I AM BACK IN SINGAPORE!
But...my heart is so calm....
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Mixed feelings...
Can't wait to be back home...every day...every second...yet..a little sad that I am leaving so soon...counting days...for the day that I will be back...counting days for the day I am still here....it is a mixed feeling...although there is really no reason for me to stay anymore....but somehow...there seems to be something not finished here...something to be done...
Happy and sad...at the same time...
hate this place to a point....yet suspect I will miss this place...
Glasgow...take care...
Love,
chyiyun
271105
Happy and sad...at the same time...
hate this place to a point....yet suspect I will miss this place...
Glasgow...take care...
Love,
chyiyun
271105
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Painful Disappointment, Quiet Grief and Scare the hell out of me Fright....
There is these battle of emotion lately in me...
First, it was pain......to be exact...
it was a painful disappointment that he wasn't the one...
which makes me cry whenever I think of him...
He wants me to smile when I think of him....But i can't...so far...I can't...
There is always tears...
And i become so sad...
I just dun want to think of him any more....
Then It was Grief...
A very quiet one...
That stir a barely visible ripple in my heart...
Someone passed away...
Then, the Fright...
which scare the hell out of me....
that I naively think by SCREAMING....
the mouse in my room will go away....
All these....came together last night...
in a total shock....
I lost my ability to feel...
For a while...the next morning...
everything is in a daze...
disappointment, grief, and fright....
Life is strange...
16/11/05
First, it was pain......to be exact...
it was a painful disappointment that he wasn't the one...
which makes me cry whenever I think of him...
He wants me to smile when I think of him....But i can't...so far...I can't...
There is always tears...
And i become so sad...
I just dun want to think of him any more....
Then It was Grief...
A very quiet one...
That stir a barely visible ripple in my heart...
Someone passed away...
Then, the Fright...
which scare the hell out of me....
that I naively think by SCREAMING....
the mouse in my room will go away....
All these....came together last night...
in a total shock....
I lost my ability to feel...
For a while...the next morning...
everything is in a daze...
disappointment, grief, and fright....
Life is strange...
16/11/05
My dear few friends....in Glasgow...
I dun have much friends in glasgow...
All the dearest are back in Singapore....
But right here...I do have a few...
One of them...is Heather.
One of the few friends i watch movies and go shopping with....
Then...It was taka, her room mate...whom become my friend...becos I am always at heather house cooking or eating something....
slowly...the 2 of them become great pals to me...
I guess i will miss them...when i leave....
my 2 good friends...
Heather and Taka...
Thank you.
16/11/05
All the dearest are back in Singapore....
But right here...I do have a few...
One of them...is Heather.
One of the few friends i watch movies and go shopping with....
Then...It was taka, her room mate...whom become my friend...becos I am always at heather house cooking or eating something....
slowly...the 2 of them become great pals to me...
I guess i will miss them...when i leave....
my 2 good friends...
Heather and Taka...
Thank you.
16/11/05
Passed away...
I learn about the news when i was queuing for my burger at burger King...
My mum called me.
My mum say...he died peacefully.
She was crying...
I cried.
And after that i have been calm.
It is a strange feeling.
So far away...
Someone left this world.
Quietly.
It just feel too strange...he always had been part of my family....
he was always there...the moment i was born....like a quiet elderly....
sitting on a chair quietly most of the time...sometimes smoking...
He never really speak to me...
Or maybe becos I never really speak to him...
Strange feeling....
Strange...
A sense of lost...
Like something left the world...
Yet...the world goes on...as if nothing has change....
Quietly...
13/11/2005...5pm Glasgow time
My mum called me.
My mum say...he died peacefully.
She was crying...
I cried.
And after that i have been calm.
It is a strange feeling.
So far away...
Someone left this world.
Quietly.
It just feel too strange...he always had been part of my family....
he was always there...the moment i was born....like a quiet elderly....
sitting on a chair quietly most of the time...sometimes smoking...
He never really speak to me...
Or maybe becos I never really speak to him...
Strange feeling....
Strange...
A sense of lost...
Like something left the world...
Yet...the world goes on...as if nothing has change....
Quietly...
13/11/2005...5pm Glasgow time
My new flatmate...
Let me just give it a name to acknowlege the fact that I have no choice but to accept his existence.
Let's call it "furball".
"He"...I would prefer to address it as a "he"...to personify him...in attempt to show my greatest respect...
He appears out of nowhere yesterday night at around 4am, while I am watch the late night asian movie, IRON Ladies...
as i was laughing while watching the funny Thai movie...TO MY GREATEST HORROR!!!!....I saw something crawl passed my carpet.....WAIT!...no no,....it can't be...I must be tired or something....4am....I must be seeing things....but...I have a feeling it is real...and HAIRY!...WITH A TAIL!!!...
AND MY HAIR STAND....
WHAT THE HELL is that....!!
it creeps....
AND SHIT!...4am...who am I suppose to call for help....WHO CAN HELP ME!!!!
I send a text to V....my ex bf...but his mobile is switch off...as usual...i am not surprise...
NO ONE....no one can help me now...HELP!!!!!!!!...
In desperation...I CALLED MY BROTHER IN THAILAND!!!....
and told him something terrible has happen!!!! and told him I am very frightened then....
BECOS OF A STUPID MOUSE....
I ask him to call me back as my mobile is low on credit....
as the phone ring....i burst into tears ....then...the SCARIEST MOMENT....the mouse start to crawl CALMLY TOWARDS THE BED!!!....NO NO NO!!!!...GO AWAY!!!!....Dun COME NEAR ME!!!!.....I was half screaming and crying....on the phone.....and the mouse just crawl calmly....as if he did not here my scream...as if he was deaf....OR i suspect he is also blind!!!!...becos my lights are on...and he still dare to COME OUT!!!!......then....he turned left toward the bedside table and went underneath....and he disappear....i become so paranoid....I just stand on my bed....and cry over the phone...while my two brothers in thailand tries to calm me down..(half laughing....or trying very hard not to laugh)....it is funny....if i were to watch some movie and see the same scenerio...i probably would also laugh....BUT...now that the mouse is less than a metre away from me...IT IS DAMN SCARY!!!! SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME!!!!!....and what is worse...is....if the mouse is frantically running...it means it is afraid of me...and hears my scream....BUT NO!!!!....it crawls....CALMLY...and slowly...like i say, as if it is deaf and blind....freaks me out...which means...IT IS NOT AFRAID OF ME....which means....it could just crawl towards me....like SADAKO!.....slowly!!!!!!!
I couldn't sleep...and hide myself under my blanket.....until the next morning....
I had to check to see if the coast is clear before i get off my bed...and run to the toilet...
IN CASE I RUN INTO HIM....
V text me the next morning...and says i should feed him and make friends with it.......
My landlord was laughing when i told him this....he said,"shiah, there is nothing i can do..."
The ultimate was...an email from V saying..."say hello to your new flatmate".....
I guess i have no choice ....BUT BUT BUT.....I just hope my new flatmate and i will live in peace...
Just dun come out to scare me....or jump out from no where.....
The idea of seeing him again is enough to send a chill down my spine....
PLEASE PLEASE.....PEACE!
The room is all yours after i leave, Mr Furball....
Just let me sleep in peace...
OR I WILL SCREAM!"!!!!!!
16/11/05
Let's call it "furball".
"He"...I would prefer to address it as a "he"...to personify him...in attempt to show my greatest respect...
He appears out of nowhere yesterday night at around 4am, while I am watch the late night asian movie, IRON Ladies...
as i was laughing while watching the funny Thai movie...TO MY GREATEST HORROR!!!!....I saw something crawl passed my carpet.....WAIT!...no no,....it can't be...I must be tired or something....4am....I must be seeing things....but...I have a feeling it is real...and HAIRY!...WITH A TAIL!!!...
AND MY HAIR STAND....
WHAT THE HELL is that....!!
it creeps....
AND SHIT!...4am...who am I suppose to call for help....WHO CAN HELP ME!!!!
I send a text to V....my ex bf...but his mobile is switch off...as usual...i am not surprise...
NO ONE....no one can help me now...HELP!!!!!!!!...
In desperation...I CALLED MY BROTHER IN THAILAND!!!....
and told him something terrible has happen!!!! and told him I am very frightened then....
BECOS OF A STUPID MOUSE....
I ask him to call me back as my mobile is low on credit....
as the phone ring....i burst into tears ....then...the SCARIEST MOMENT....the mouse start to crawl CALMLY TOWARDS THE BED!!!....NO NO NO!!!!...GO AWAY!!!!....Dun COME NEAR ME!!!!.....I was half screaming and crying....on the phone.....and the mouse just crawl calmly....as if he did not here my scream...as if he was deaf....OR i suspect he is also blind!!!!...becos my lights are on...and he still dare to COME OUT!!!!......then....he turned left toward the bedside table and went underneath....and he disappear....i become so paranoid....I just stand on my bed....and cry over the phone...while my two brothers in thailand tries to calm me down..(half laughing....or trying very hard not to laugh)....it is funny....if i were to watch some movie and see the same scenerio...i probably would also laugh....BUT...now that the mouse is less than a metre away from me...IT IS DAMN SCARY!!!! SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME!!!!!....and what is worse...is....if the mouse is frantically running...it means it is afraid of me...and hears my scream....BUT NO!!!!....it crawls....CALMLY...and slowly...like i say, as if it is deaf and blind....freaks me out...which means...IT IS NOT AFRAID OF ME....which means....it could just crawl towards me....like SADAKO!.....slowly!!!!!!!
I couldn't sleep...and hide myself under my blanket.....until the next morning....
I had to check to see if the coast is clear before i get off my bed...and run to the toilet...
IN CASE I RUN INTO HIM....
V text me the next morning...and says i should feed him and make friends with it.......
My landlord was laughing when i told him this....he said,"shiah, there is nothing i can do..."
The ultimate was...an email from V saying..."say hello to your new flatmate".....
I guess i have no choice ....BUT BUT BUT.....I just hope my new flatmate and i will live in peace...
Just dun come out to scare me....or jump out from no where.....
The idea of seeing him again is enough to send a chill down my spine....
PLEASE PLEASE.....PEACE!
The room is all yours after i leave, Mr Furball....
Just let me sleep in peace...
OR I WILL SCREAM!"!!!!!!
16/11/05
Friday, November 04, 2005
An email...
Received an email from him yesterday...
was actally quite touched...as apparently...no one misses me...as I haven receive any emails from anyone for a long time..
At least he misses me...I mean...as a friend...
Took me i day...to hesitate...
and the next day...to have the courage to reply his email...
At least...I was telling myself...how difficult could it be...
As I am quite convince that I am..sort of quite get over him already...
So what could be so hard...
And I start to write a reply...
At first...it was the usual nice and polite way to write an email...
then...at the end...
I wanted to be trueful...
so I wrote...
"You dun have to see me before i leave...if you are busy...I am fine...
maybe it will more beautiful just to think of you....even if we might never see each other again...it doesn't matter anymore...nothing matters..."
And i started to cry...
So I am not over him yet.
I am trying though...and I seriously think I am doing a good job...
Then...in order not to agonise him...(I think it is enough to have one person to suffer the misery...then to have both of us feel the pain)...I change my last line..
and make it sound more cheerful...
"Oh well....nothing is important now...
no school no exam...no home...no residency no scholarship no boyfriend....
watever...whenever...wherever...
No hurry....free and easy...
have a nice day to you..."
Sound spiteful...hmmm...I dun know...
I really dun know what will happen if i see him again...
If it is going to be like the last time we met...
I think it will be more beautiful to just think of him...
really...
Have a nice day...
Love,
chyiyun
was actally quite touched...as apparently...no one misses me...as I haven receive any emails from anyone for a long time..
At least he misses me...I mean...as a friend...
Took me i day...to hesitate...
and the next day...to have the courage to reply his email...
At least...I was telling myself...how difficult could it be...
As I am quite convince that I am..sort of quite get over him already...
So what could be so hard...
And I start to write a reply...
At first...it was the usual nice and polite way to write an email...
then...at the end...
I wanted to be trueful...
so I wrote...
"You dun have to see me before i leave...if you are busy...I am fine...
maybe it will more beautiful just to think of you....even if we might never see each other again...it doesn't matter anymore...nothing matters..."
And i started to cry...
So I am not over him yet.
I am trying though...and I seriously think I am doing a good job...
Then...in order not to agonise him...(I think it is enough to have one person to suffer the misery...then to have both of us feel the pain)...I change my last line..
and make it sound more cheerful...
"Oh well....nothing is important now...
no school no exam...no home...no residency no scholarship no boyfriend....
watever...whenever...wherever...
No hurry....free and easy...
have a nice day to you..."
Sound spiteful...hmmm...I dun know...
I really dun know what will happen if i see him again...
If it is going to be like the last time we met...
I think it will be more beautiful to just think of him...
really...
Have a nice day...
Love,
chyiyun
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Check-in...
This would be one of my proudest trip so far...becos My bag is really tiny for a week travel...
It was just a tiny black bag...around 8kg.
In fact...it might be smaller than a usual secondary school student school bag...which i also manage to squeeze in my sleeping bag...
Is about one third of my usual Karrimor heavy duty backpack...
What's more...I can actually just hand carry this bag and dun have to check-in...
Just as I am so proud of this tiny bag...and decided to just NOT check in anything...the check in ldy ask me if i have any sharp objects in my bag...
SHIT!...my scissor...I was givena choice to...throw it away or check in my small bag...which is stupid...
In the end...I choose to check in...
To be continue....
Too tired...need to sleep now...
It was just a tiny black bag...around 8kg.
In fact...it might be smaller than a usual secondary school student school bag...which i also manage to squeeze in my sleeping bag...
Is about one third of my usual Karrimor heavy duty backpack...
What's more...I can actually just hand carry this bag and dun have to check-in...
Just as I am so proud of this tiny bag...and decided to just NOT check in anything...the check in ldy ask me if i have any sharp objects in my bag...
SHIT!...my scissor...I was givena choice to...throw it away or check in my small bag...which is stupid...
In the end...I choose to check in...
To be continue....
Too tired...need to sleep now...
This trip...
It was full of surpirse actually...
Now that i am brighten up by previous posting..I couldn't stop writing...
My flight was 9.55am on that day...
And i was told to be 2 hours early...
I start to pack my bags at around 3am...
and stay up until 6.30am...ate breakfast...
left home at 7.15am..walk to the bus stop and board the bus at 8.15...
And saw olive boy...
OLIVE BOY??!!?...
wait a minute...am I dreaming?..
I guess the two of us...are simply too fated to meet time and again...
In case u forget who olive boy is...please check my previous blog...dated from late January till May...anyway...yah...he was on the same bus...
which goes to the airport...
AND there was a girl sitting next to him...
a rather sweet looking girl...
His girlfren.
And guess what...they are also heading for amsterdam...where I am going for my connectig flights to budapest...
coincidence??...
Things happen for a reason...
But...at this point...I guess we are just fated to meet again and again...
life is strange...
fated to meet just means fated to meet..and doesn't really means anything...
at least this is how i feel now...
Anyway...we have a nice chat on the bus...and say good bye when we reach the airport and they rush to check in....
and this is how my journey started.291005
011105
Now that i am brighten up by previous posting..I couldn't stop writing...
My flight was 9.55am on that day...
And i was told to be 2 hours early...
I start to pack my bags at around 3am...
and stay up until 6.30am...ate breakfast...
left home at 7.15am..walk to the bus stop and board the bus at 8.15...
And saw olive boy...
OLIVE BOY??!!?...
wait a minute...am I dreaming?..
I guess the two of us...are simply too fated to meet time and again...
In case u forget who olive boy is...please check my previous blog...dated from late January till May...anyway...yah...he was on the same bus...
which goes to the airport...
AND there was a girl sitting next to him...
a rather sweet looking girl...
His girlfren.
And guess what...they are also heading for amsterdam...where I am going for my connectig flights to budapest...
coincidence??...
Things happen for a reason...
But...at this point...I guess we are just fated to meet again and again...
life is strange...
fated to meet just means fated to meet..and doesn't really means anything...
at least this is how i feel now...
Anyway...we have a nice chat on the bus...and say good bye when we reach the airport and they rush to check in....
and this is how my journey started.291005
011105
Oh!!! Halloween...and Abbey National...
Last Friday was my last day in Abbey Bank. And that happen to be the halloween celebration day for the bank. And I was tod to dress up under the department theme or else I canot enter the building. And the theme was pirate.
How exciting...
I really wonder to want extend will people put in effort to this...
and to my surprise....EVERYBODY!
My supervisor bought a pirate hat...with a toy sword...and wear crop pants...my colleague sitting next to me...bought a ballon parrot which has a built in weight which can actually balance and sit nicely on ur shoulder....and the alpha team Margaret...got a mask...and wig...and wears..big fat gold chain around her neck...my manager Ann...puts on a weird looking pumkin suit...with the leave as her hat...the underwirter team (Risk department) dress up as the fireman....and the Opening team..dress up as cowboys....and the telephone service team...are in pyjamas....
SpeCtacular!...
Just imagine..those people whom i have mention has been wearing suits and tie...since I first came to work in this office...and seeing them in costume...
is enough to brighten up my day...A ZILLION TIMES!...
Whats more...
Chris...he is in this handsome yet cute looking pirate image...white shirt black vest...(SAME AS ME!)...crop pants...and a SCAR drawn on his face....and me...I was ALSO happen to be wearing a white shrt black vest(which was actually my retaurant uniform)...with strippy crop pants...(modified from my usual pants)..plus big dangling earrings...with a scaf over my head...
I was going to take a picture of him with the scar on his face at the en of the day when i realise he had wash the scar off half an hour before office hours...
And i was disappointed and say to him..."oh...I wanted to take a picture of ur scar face..."...and he says..."give me a minte..."...as i wonder what he was doing...he draw a scar on a post-it...and stick it on his face a pose for me...
Cute?
SOOO CUTE...
And after work...I went to meet my colleagues for a drink...talk to him for a while...and he is really cute...AND SOTTISH!...ahhh...i like him...
hmmm...watever...too late...that is my last day of work...
OH BUT BUT!!!...i ask for his email addresss so thati can sent hm the photo...
HOW SMART OF ME....
What a day...28th October 2005
Life is beautiful isn't it....
How exciting...
I really wonder to want extend will people put in effort to this...
and to my surprise....EVERYBODY!
My supervisor bought a pirate hat...with a toy sword...and wear crop pants...my colleague sitting next to me...bought a ballon parrot which has a built in weight which can actually balance and sit nicely on ur shoulder....and the alpha team Margaret...got a mask...and wig...and wears..big fat gold chain around her neck...my manager Ann...puts on a weird looking pumkin suit...with the leave as her hat...the underwirter team (Risk department) dress up as the fireman....and the Opening team..dress up as cowboys....and the telephone service team...are in pyjamas....
SpeCtacular!...
Just imagine..those people whom i have mention has been wearing suits and tie...since I first came to work in this office...and seeing them in costume...
is enough to brighten up my day...A ZILLION TIMES!...
Whats more...
Chris...he is in this handsome yet cute looking pirate image...white shirt black vest...(SAME AS ME!)...crop pants...and a SCAR drawn on his face....and me...I was ALSO happen to be wearing a white shrt black vest(which was actually my retaurant uniform)...with strippy crop pants...(modified from my usual pants)..plus big dangling earrings...with a scaf over my head...
I was going to take a picture of him with the scar on his face at the en of the day when i realise he had wash the scar off half an hour before office hours...
And i was disappointed and say to him..."oh...I wanted to take a picture of ur scar face..."...and he says..."give me a minte..."...as i wonder what he was doing...he draw a scar on a post-it...and stick it on his face a pose for me...
Cute?
SOOO CUTE...
And after work...I went to meet my colleagues for a drink...talk to him for a while...and he is really cute...AND SOTTISH!...ahhh...i like him...
hmmm...watever...too late...that is my last day of work...
OH BUT BUT!!!...i ask for his email addresss so thati can sent hm the photo...
HOW SMART OF ME....
What a day...28th October 2005
Life is beautiful isn't it....
BuDaPeSt!!!! AgAIn!
Ahh...to say that budapest is nice is not being fair...
But somehow.."nice" seems to be the best word to describe it...
Perhaps a wee bit of melancholy got over me...
which makes me fail to appreciate more things around me...
But...I have to say..this is a...erm...nice place...
Nice is just the right word...really...
I will not use "nice" to decribe Glasgow in the first place...
Glasgow...hmm....dun noe how to describe.
The thing that amuse me is that...this place reminds me of malaysia...
Is a mix up of old and new...old shops old vintage cars..with high-tec laptop and mobile...yet...people use ancient looking toilets and tram...live in old buildings...
I am especially amused by my friends ancient looking washing machine...ah...love old old stuff...yet yet...so many new things going on at the same time...the clashes of old and new is just so intriguing...and makes me wonder how in the world they can actually co-exist.
Suddenly...another word comes into my mind..."interesting"...
Yes...budaest IS interesting...hmm....
I think I am beggining to see it now...
before that...I was blind by my melancholy...
Ahh...
Nice and interesting...that is...
budapest...
maybe...also...
amusing?..
hmmmm...watever...
time for bed...
But somehow.."nice" seems to be the best word to describe it...
Perhaps a wee bit of melancholy got over me...
which makes me fail to appreciate more things around me...
But...I have to say..this is a...erm...nice place...
Nice is just the right word...really...
I will not use "nice" to decribe Glasgow in the first place...
Glasgow...hmm....dun noe how to describe.
The thing that amuse me is that...this place reminds me of malaysia...
Is a mix up of old and new...old shops old vintage cars..with high-tec laptop and mobile...yet...people use ancient looking toilets and tram...live in old buildings...
I am especially amused by my friends ancient looking washing machine...ah...love old old stuff...yet yet...so many new things going on at the same time...the clashes of old and new is just so intriguing...and makes me wonder how in the world they can actually co-exist.
Suddenly...another word comes into my mind..."interesting"...
Yes...budaest IS interesting...hmm....
I think I am beggining to see it now...
before that...I was blind by my melancholy...
Ahh...
Nice and interesting...that is...
budapest...
maybe...also...
amusing?..
hmmmm...watever...
time for bed...
Ok or Not...
Well...budapest is nice...
but somehow...it keeps reminding me of him...
Like the way my friend finish her meal with a piece of bread wiping away the sauce off her plate...very greek...and it reminds me of him...the couples i saw everywhere ...remind me of him...cheese i ate...remind me of him...the colour of her eyes...reminds me of him...
I am so sure I have gotten over him...so sure...
but somehow...he is still there in my mind somewhere...everywhere...
my life...now full of reference about him...
is already a fact now...and I can do nothing about it...
I really dun hate him anymore...
in fact i never did..
And i couldn't even make up my mind whether I actually was angry with him...
or was disapponted with him...
or maybe i was just sad becos something has ended...
or..I really don't know...
Hmm...BUT BUT...
Budapest is nice...nice...
Nice...
I am just being emotional suddenly...
but somehow...it keeps reminding me of him...
Like the way my friend finish her meal with a piece of bread wiping away the sauce off her plate...very greek...and it reminds me of him...the couples i saw everywhere ...remind me of him...cheese i ate...remind me of him...the colour of her eyes...reminds me of him...
I am so sure I have gotten over him...so sure...
but somehow...he is still there in my mind somewhere...everywhere...
my life...now full of reference about him...
is already a fact now...and I can do nothing about it...
I really dun hate him anymore...
in fact i never did..
And i couldn't even make up my mind whether I actually was angry with him...
or was disapponted with him...
or maybe i was just sad becos something has ended...
or..I really don't know...
Hmm...BUT BUT...
Budapest is nice...nice...
Nice...
I am just being emotional suddenly...
Monday, October 31, 2005
BuDaPeSt!!!!
LoVelY...This place is sooo lovely...
I am SOOO glad that I have decided to come...
So different...
Simply beautiful...
That is what I like about traveling....
301005
I am SOOO glad that I have decided to come...
So different...
Simply beautiful...
That is what I like about traveling....
301005
Thursday, October 27, 2005
This guy...
I can't believe myself...
I am suppose to be moaning...over my lost love....
Yet...there is this cute guy in my department who occassionally sits opposite my desk...and whenever i look up to check the time on the clock...i will catch a glimpse of him....and sometimes...he will caught me looking...and...I have been wondering...maybe he caught me looking...becos he was also...looking at me...
Ahhh...love that feeling...makes me feel alive again...
Oh...and he is really cute...that cute smile on his face...I like it...
I got to know him...becos i was offering people around me biscuit I brought to office
..he happens to love it...and I like it too...that biscuit...is called "tuc in"
Suddenly...I found one major advantage of being single again...
I can love again...I mean...I can enjoy the feeling of falling in love again...
Or..simply just enjoy the fact that I can fancy some guy in the office without feeling guilty...hmmm...not bad not bad...
I think...I have been coping very well with my life now...
hahahaha...
Oh...and...some updates to my friends...I am going to Budapest to visit friend this saturday....
SO look forward!!!!
For those who dun noe...Budapest is in Hungary.
And and...hmm...oh
Tomolo is my last day working in the bank...and also the halloween celebration..so we are suppose to dress up..under the theme " Pirates"....I am planning to wear BIG DANGLING earrings and wrap skirts...with a scarf over my head..and do multiple plaits to me hair....I wonder what Chris will dress up as...opps...aye...his name...that office guy...his name is chris. But...yah...last day....bye bye Chris....
I guess memory is more beautiful when nothing actually happens...
So much more beautiful...
Having said this...
I wonder when will I ever love anyone again...
So beautiful...I wish nothing ever happens....
How sad...
Contradicting...
really...
271005
strangecloud
I am suppose to be moaning...over my lost love....
Yet...there is this cute guy in my department who occassionally sits opposite my desk...and whenever i look up to check the time on the clock...i will catch a glimpse of him....and sometimes...he will caught me looking...and...I have been wondering...maybe he caught me looking...becos he was also...looking at me...
Ahhh...love that feeling...makes me feel alive again...
Oh...and he is really cute...that cute smile on his face...I like it...
I got to know him...becos i was offering people around me biscuit I brought to office
..he happens to love it...and I like it too...that biscuit...is called "tuc in"
Suddenly...I found one major advantage of being single again...
I can love again...I mean...I can enjoy the feeling of falling in love again...
Or..simply just enjoy the fact that I can fancy some guy in the office without feeling guilty...hmmm...not bad not bad...
I think...I have been coping very well with my life now...
hahahaha...
Oh...and...some updates to my friends...I am going to Budapest to visit friend this saturday....
SO look forward!!!!
For those who dun noe...Budapest is in Hungary.
And and...hmm...oh
Tomolo is my last day working in the bank...and also the halloween celebration..so we are suppose to dress up..under the theme " Pirates"....I am planning to wear BIG DANGLING earrings and wrap skirts...with a scarf over my head..and do multiple plaits to me hair....I wonder what Chris will dress up as...opps...aye...his name...that office guy...his name is chris. But...yah...last day....bye bye Chris....
I guess memory is more beautiful when nothing actually happens...
So much more beautiful...
Having said this...
I wonder when will I ever love anyone again...
So beautiful...I wish nothing ever happens....
How sad...
Contradicting...
really...
271005
strangecloud
Thursday, October 13, 2005
I am ok...
I think I am ok now...
I dun have anymore tears for me to cry...
I am done.
Maybe...just a bit more...
I dun have anymore tears for me to cry...
I am done.
Maybe...just a bit more...
Friday, September 23, 2005
To die a broken heart...
Yes...I am broken hearted.
And the worst thing is...I cannt bring myself blame him or hate him...because I can understand why...
There are too many obstacle...too many questions all along as to how this can continue...
maybe i should thank him.....that it is over now...and I am set free again....into the open water...as a fish....
However...i cannot see him again...
i suspect I will just cry and cry...even by starting to think about how i should even reply his email...
Hence i cannot see him anymore...
Though he did say that he hope to see me again...and we can still be friends....
I guess it is no harm still having a friend....but i just cannot see him anymore...
Not that I am angry or cannot forgive him.
Just that It is too painful....
We can still be friends...but things will never be the same again...
will never be like what our friendship had started to be...
and at this moment at least...
I think I just need to run away from him...and never speak to him again...
until I can get over him...
which will probably take a long long long time.....
Now...i am just broken hearted.
Now...I just want to cry and cry...until I am too tired...and fall asleep.
Hopefully the next morning...the sun will shine again...but ohh...I love the rain...
what a mix feeling...
230905
And the worst thing is...I cannt bring myself blame him or hate him...because I can understand why...
There are too many obstacle...too many questions all along as to how this can continue...
maybe i should thank him.....that it is over now...and I am set free again....into the open water...as a fish....
However...i cannot see him again...
i suspect I will just cry and cry...even by starting to think about how i should even reply his email...
Hence i cannot see him anymore...
Though he did say that he hope to see me again...and we can still be friends....
I guess it is no harm still having a friend....but i just cannot see him anymore...
Not that I am angry or cannot forgive him.
Just that It is too painful....
We can still be friends...but things will never be the same again...
will never be like what our friendship had started to be...
and at this moment at least...
I think I just need to run away from him...and never speak to him again...
until I can get over him...
which will probably take a long long long time.....
Now...i am just broken hearted.
Now...I just want to cry and cry...until I am too tired...and fall asleep.
Hopefully the next morning...the sun will shine again...but ohh...I love the rain...
what a mix feeling...
230905
Friday, September 09, 2005
The most painful of all...
is a PAPERCUT suddenly while opening a brand new envelope...the pain...is soooo minor, NO BLOOD......yet send chill down your spine...that is what happen to me just now in the office......how annoying.
090905
090905
Dying to blog...
Yes...dying to blog....not being able to blog is like being banned from expressing..and basically I will die.
Yet...the one hour lunch break is not even enough for me to check and reply all my mails....today...i have decided to risk being late to blog this few lines...better than nothing i suppose.
I am happy at the moment.
And is very fine.
That's all folks.
See you soon!
090905
Yet...the one hour lunch break is not even enough for me to check and reply all my mails....today...i have decided to risk being late to blog this few lines...better than nothing i suppose.
I am happy at the moment.
And is very fine.
That's all folks.
See you soon!
090905
Friday, August 26, 2005
THE SHOES.
Remember this posting a few months ago....the pair of strippy shoes i like....
I bought them finally...
I walk past that shop again today and notice a new display....and look at that...the one in the middle...ahhh...I LOVEEE that colour...
It was a long long story in fact.
A few days ago...I was walking past the shop which is closed....but I noticed that the shop is actually marking down prices for shoes from the previous season....3 month after I have given up hope to buy that pair of shoes...I thought i should
go back and find out....saw both the brown and orange strippy shoes on sale with a £10 discount...which means...it only cost £24.99!!!!....I love the orange one yet i know the brown one will be more pratical to match my clothes...in the end..i ask the shop assisitant to get me size 5 for both colours becos i cannot decided.....she came back and told me the orange dun have any size 5 and the brown one is the last pair left and i bought it....
Reach home....and felt guilty that I have speed a day's pay to buy a pair of shoes....hesitate for 2 days...wear the shoes a couple of time around my room and realise size 5 is size 38....and it is a bit too big...becos i amused to size 37 which is size 4.5.....so i have decided...if am speeing my money...i should spend it on the correct and comoftable pair...and moreover...it is not the orange pair i want...i decided toget it refund....
I went back....thinking i would just change the size....i ask the shop assisitant to check if it has size 4.5 ......then...she came back and say....that there isn't any 4.5 for the brown shoes....BUT!...there is one last pair for the ORANGE PAIR!!!!!!...I am delighted....at first i thought if they dun have size 4.5....i would just refund and be happy ....then i change my mind....and grab the orange pair to the cashier to do the exchange.....
To my surprise...I got another bonus...the last orange pair was further mark down to £19.99....cash cannot be refund...but i was given a £5 cash voucher......
I am now happy with my new orange strippy shoes....will put them on and take a picture to post online next time...
Till then,,,,
260805
I bought them finally...
I walk past that shop again today and notice a new display....and look at that...the one in the middle...ahhh...I LOVEEE that colour...
It was a long long story in fact.
A few days ago...I was walking past the shop which is closed....but I noticed that the shop is actually marking down prices for shoes from the previous season....3 month after I have given up hope to buy that pair of shoes...I thought i should
go back and find out....saw both the brown and orange strippy shoes on sale with a £10 discount...which means...it only cost £24.99!!!!....I love the orange one yet i know the brown one will be more pratical to match my clothes...in the end..i ask the shop assisitant to get me size 5 for both colours becos i cannot decided.....she came back and told me the orange dun have any size 5 and the brown one is the last pair left and i bought it....
Reach home....and felt guilty that I have speed a day's pay to buy a pair of shoes....hesitate for 2 days...wear the shoes a couple of time around my room and realise size 5 is size 38....and it is a bit too big...becos i amused to size 37 which is size 4.5.....so i have decided...if am speeing my money...i should spend it on the correct and comoftable pair...and moreover...it is not the orange pair i want...i decided toget it refund....
I went back....thinking i would just change the size....i ask the shop assisitant to check if it has size 4.5 ......then...she came back and say....that there isn't any 4.5 for the brown shoes....BUT!...there is one last pair for the ORANGE PAIR!!!!!!...I am delighted....at first i thought if they dun have size 4.5....i would just refund and be happy ....then i change my mind....and grab the orange pair to the cashier to do the exchange.....
To my surprise...I got another bonus...the last orange pair was further mark down to £19.99....cash cannot be refund...but i was given a £5 cash voucher......
I am now happy with my new orange strippy shoes....will put them on and take a picture to post online next time...
Till then,,,,
260805
Monday, August 15, 2005
I worked in a bank.
I have been working in a bank for 3 weeks.
It is indeed a boring job.
But i wouldn't say i learn nothing.
Afterall you learn something everyday...
But shit...library is closing soon...
i shall tell you guys about it tomolo!
Take care everyone...including that person who leave the crap comment.
See you!
150805
It is indeed a boring job.
But i wouldn't say i learn nothing.
Afterall you learn something everyday...
But shit...library is closing soon...
i shall tell you guys about it tomolo!
Take care everyone...including that person who leave the crap comment.
See you!
150805
Crap!
I crave comments...I like to know what people think....BUT...i never did know that JUNK COMMENTS exist...until today!...
just scroll down and see my previous post...i mean the comments...CRAP!
Thanks for the comments...yah...thanks...whoever post it...
Meanwhile...all other comments are still welcome!
Yeah...i am happy today actually.
Happy.
150805
just scroll down and see my previous post...i mean the comments...CRAP!
Thanks for the comments...yah...thanks...whoever post it...
Meanwhile...all other comments are still welcome!
Yeah...i am happy today actually.
Happy.
150805
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Rootless cloud...
There are more than one reason why i am holding onto this fragile realtionship...
One of them is because i feel rootless.
I used to have this nightmare of myself floating away uncontrollably...and struggling to get my foot to the ground....
which is DAMN SCARY!...
And i always noe i am a floaty person...
like my chinese name....
the word "yun" means cloud...but my "yun" had a "grass" character attached to it...
signifying adding roots to clouds...so that it is more stable...i guess....
and yes...i need something to hold onto...before i get blown away and lost myself...
I need a base....
I need somewhere to go home to...
I need someone whom i can rest my heart with...
so that whenever...and wherever i go...they is a home for my heart and soul...
I like to wander around the world...but that is provided...my heart is settled...so that my body can wonder in peace..if this make sense to all of you...
it make sense to me at least...
By the way...today is Singapore's national Day...
Count on me singapore!
090805
One of them is because i feel rootless.
I used to have this nightmare of myself floating away uncontrollably...and struggling to get my foot to the ground....
which is DAMN SCARY!...
And i always noe i am a floaty person...
like my chinese name....
the word "yun" means cloud...but my "yun" had a "grass" character attached to it...
signifying adding roots to clouds...so that it is more stable...i guess....
and yes...i need something to hold onto...before i get blown away and lost myself...
I need a base....
I need somewhere to go home to...
I need someone whom i can rest my heart with...
so that whenever...and wherever i go...they is a home for my heart and soul...
I like to wander around the world...but that is provided...my heart is settled...so that my body can wonder in peace..if this make sense to all of you...
it make sense to me at least...
By the way...today is Singapore's national Day...
Count on me singapore!
090805
Friday, August 05, 2005
Who is the ONE?
What happens when you meet the right guy...at the wrong time...?
Yahui's analysis is....he is then...the WRONG ONE.
Or the wrong guy at the right time?...
Still WRONG.
So...it must be the right guy at the right time...
which can be really hard...
that is why...we have to cherish affinity...
er..last queistion...
what happens if he is the wrong guy at the wrong time?..
Ok stupid question....
Just so difficult to find the ONE...where is my NEO...
bless me...
050805
Yahui's analysis is....he is then...the WRONG ONE.
Or the wrong guy at the right time?...
Still WRONG.
So...it must be the right guy at the right time...
which can be really hard...
that is why...we have to cherish affinity...
er..last queistion...
what happens if he is the wrong guy at the wrong time?..
Ok stupid question....
Just so difficult to find the ONE...where is my NEO...
bless me...
050805
The thing about long hair and man...and me..
Ok...there are 2 issues about long hair and man...
One is their obssession with woman who has long hair(me?)
the other is growing long hair themselves...
The first one...is commonly known.
It seems to me that man like women with long hair...
i din keep my hair becos of that though...
there are statistic to actually shows this...
people me around are solid examples ...
my brother goes crazy when he sees a long hair girl...
but he never did appreciate his own baby sister long hair(me)...
he complains that they are everywhere in the house...
but he likes one whenever he sees one...
Then it is about man having long hair...
Once heard a friend say...that a man will have long hair at least once in their life time...
It's like...they want to know what it's like...sort of experimenting with their potential of having a long hair look..
and effects...or want to feel wild at some point of their life...usually when they are young...
and when they had enough of it...is satisfy with the experiment or had drawn enough conclusion from their attempt...they will just cut it off....and keep short..becos they are too lazy to really take care of it...
My brothers...both of them had long hair when they are much younger...
now...they just couldn't be bother...
my love...he used to have long curly hair....which i find it look rather amusing...not bad though...
now..he just like to shave it whenever he finds it annoying...
the conclusion is...once they have grown out of it...
the actual word is...mature enough...
they will just cut it.
Was talking about this in the office today with a colleague...
saw an application with the applicants sending in IDs for verifications...one had a "before" and the other the "after look" long hair and short haired....he looks really good with long hair...like those hunk in romance stories...short hair...he looks good too...but definitely more down to earth and real...
both nevertheless...my colleague and i both agree he is gorgeous...
haha...anyway...so much for the hair issue...
for girl...i am not sure if I am ever enough of my long hair...
somehow it is more like a cycle...
i will had enough one day and decide to cut it really short or even shave it...
and grow it all over again...for years...and cut again.....
dun noe...maybe when i am older...
i will just keep it short like my mum...
hmm...so..maybe it is not only a guy's mentality...
maybe...when i had enough....that is it...
i just dun noe when that is...
we shall see...
050805
One is their obssession with woman who has long hair(me?)
the other is growing long hair themselves...
The first one...is commonly known.
It seems to me that man like women with long hair...
i din keep my hair becos of that though...
there are statistic to actually shows this...
people me around are solid examples ...
my brother goes crazy when he sees a long hair girl...
but he never did appreciate his own baby sister long hair(me)...
he complains that they are everywhere in the house...
but he likes one whenever he sees one...
Then it is about man having long hair...
Once heard a friend say...that a man will have long hair at least once in their life time...
It's like...they want to know what it's like...sort of experimenting with their potential of having a long hair look..
and effects...or want to feel wild at some point of their life...usually when they are young...
and when they had enough of it...is satisfy with the experiment or had drawn enough conclusion from their attempt...they will just cut it off....and keep short..becos they are too lazy to really take care of it...
My brothers...both of them had long hair when they are much younger...
now...they just couldn't be bother...
my love...he used to have long curly hair....which i find it look rather amusing...not bad though...
now..he just like to shave it whenever he finds it annoying...
the conclusion is...once they have grown out of it...
the actual word is...mature enough...
they will just cut it.
Was talking about this in the office today with a colleague...
saw an application with the applicants sending in IDs for verifications...one had a "before" and the other the "after look" long hair and short haired....he looks really good with long hair...like those hunk in romance stories...short hair...he looks good too...but definitely more down to earth and real...
both nevertheless...my colleague and i both agree he is gorgeous...
haha...anyway...so much for the hair issue...
for girl...i am not sure if I am ever enough of my long hair...
somehow it is more like a cycle...
i will had enough one day and decide to cut it really short or even shave it...
and grow it all over again...for years...and cut again.....
dun noe...maybe when i am older...
i will just keep it short like my mum...
hmm...so..maybe it is not only a guy's mentality...
maybe...when i had enough....that is it...
i just dun noe when that is...
we shall see...
050805
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Artist Residencies...
Is hoping to survive as a practicing artist thru artist residencies...
and is on top of all my agendas including my love...
Travel and practice art is a dream...love is something that will come by if it does....
practice is practrice...art is art...
and so...my next stop...regardless of watever...is MANCHESTER CHINESE ART CENTRE..I hope.
040805
and is on top of all my agendas including my love...
Travel and practice art is a dream...love is something that will come by if it does....
practice is practrice...art is art...
and so...my next stop...regardless of watever...is MANCHESTER CHINESE ART CENTRE..I hope.
040805
My horoscope for the day tells me this...
"THERE IS NO point in wondering when all you have to do is ask? Instead of staring wistfully out the window why don't you knock on someone's door and see if they answer it or not? Venus is guiding you, is that a big enough hint?"
Maybe I should just ask...yah...
040805
"THERE IS NO point in wondering when all you have to do is ask? Instead of staring wistfully out the window why don't you knock on someone's door and see if they answer it or not? Venus is guiding you, is that a big enough hint?"
Maybe I should just ask...yah...
040805
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Enough.
Spend the whole time thinking...and thinking....
I have decided to believe in him.
Woman are stupid not because we are, but we choose to be.
For me, I choose to believe.
It is just too easy to have doubts...
and you need to be very very brave to believe...
To doubt just makes you more miserable...
To believe is to have hope...
The most is just to be very hurt...at least then i know i really had loved...
I believe him.
This is enough.
030805
I have decided to believe in him.
Woman are stupid not because we are, but we choose to be.
For me, I choose to believe.
It is just too easy to have doubts...
and you need to be very very brave to believe...
To doubt just makes you more miserable...
To believe is to have hope...
The most is just to be very hurt...at least then i know i really had loved...
I believe him.
This is enough.
030805
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Again and again...
I have been telling you people that things is coming to an end...blah blah...
so many times....i guess everyone is yawning already....
apparently...I don't want things to really end....
I guess I need more time then i think I would need...
not to forget...but to put him somewhere in my heart so remote that it won't be able to trigger any senses in my heart...
I am not sure if i can face him when he comes back...
maybe i think too much...
maybe he did love me.
Ok..there i go again...
I shut up.
020805
so many times....i guess everyone is yawning already....
apparently...I don't want things to really end....
I guess I need more time then i think I would need...
not to forget...but to put him somewhere in my heart so remote that it won't be able to trigger any senses in my heart...
I am not sure if i can face him when he comes back...
maybe i think too much...
maybe he did love me.
Ok..there i go again...
I shut up.
020805
The mysterious girlfriend...
The mystery of whether that lovely girl is his girlfriend or not, is never solved.
I am sure she was...but I don't know if she still is...not even sure if she is when she came for the degree show..and after....
It was never answered...that is because i never did ask him.
Now...It is not important anymore....
yet...i am still very bothered by it.
Is she or is she not?
Can you tell me, please?
020805
I am sure she was...but I don't know if she still is...not even sure if she is when she came for the degree show..and after....
It was never answered...that is because i never did ask him.
Now...It is not important anymore....
yet...i am still very bothered by it.
Is she or is she not?
Can you tell me, please?
020805
Writing to happiness....
I was checking out JM' blog...and I realise he wasn't blogging that much lately....he said...he is out of depression that is why...
which means the more depress he is...the more he writes...
For me, It is the opposite...though i already knew we are opposite in many ways...this is yet another thing...
I write when I am happy...
I am happy when i write...
the cycle goes on...the happier i am the more i write...
the more i write...the happier i am...
That is why you see me flood the columns when I am falling in love....
and see the lines disappearing when my heart is broken....
When I am happy...i want the whole world to know...
when i am sad...I just want to disappear in thin air...
the sadder i am...the quieter i become...both mentally and physically....
i will shut down and stop talking...I will keep so quiet that people will not realise that i even exist...
And so...i am not that sad to keep too quiet...
but have got nothing to say really becos i am not too happy as well...
at this point...
I am just waiting...
for something to come to an end...
If this is ever going to end...
It is so painful now...i wish he can just say he dun love me anymore....
So that i can just put a fullstop to this.
Uncertainty is beautiful....yet so painful...
Then JM reminded me...there is nothing to wait for actually...
nothing has happen in the first place.
Nothing...
I got his point eventually...
Totally.
I guess i shall be very quiet for a while...
020805
which means the more depress he is...the more he writes...
For me, It is the opposite...though i already knew we are opposite in many ways...this is yet another thing...
I write when I am happy...
I am happy when i write...
the cycle goes on...the happier i am the more i write...
the more i write...the happier i am...
That is why you see me flood the columns when I am falling in love....
and see the lines disappearing when my heart is broken....
When I am happy...i want the whole world to know...
when i am sad...I just want to disappear in thin air...
the sadder i am...the quieter i become...both mentally and physically....
i will shut down and stop talking...I will keep so quiet that people will not realise that i even exist...
And so...i am not that sad to keep too quiet...
but have got nothing to say really becos i am not too happy as well...
at this point...
I am just waiting...
for something to come to an end...
If this is ever going to end...
It is so painful now...i wish he can just say he dun love me anymore....
So that i can just put a fullstop to this.
Uncertainty is beautiful....yet so painful...
Then JM reminded me...there is nothing to wait for actually...
nothing has happen in the first place.
Nothing...
I got his point eventually...
Totally.
I guess i shall be very quiet for a while...
020805
Being a woman is not easy...
Indeed...ladies out there...nodding your heads aready???..
We have too much to think about....not as if the man dun...but you see...it is easy for a man...to pursue whatever...and assume the woman they love will always be by their side wherever they go...but for woman....is it logical if i say...i hope my man will be by my side wherever i go?..i mean..give up his dreams and follow me...it would be ridiculous...and i won't want that to happen either...and so...how will it work...?
I dun believe in long distance relationship...too painful and impractical....
So...if i want to do what i want to do...
What do i really want?
ok...I am not speaking logically already...am I?
020805
We have too much to think about....not as if the man dun...but you see...it is easy for a man...to pursue whatever...and assume the woman they love will always be by their side wherever they go...but for woman....is it logical if i say...i hope my man will be by my side wherever i go?..i mean..give up his dreams and follow me...it would be ridiculous...and i won't want that to happen either...and so...how will it work...?
I dun believe in long distance relationship...too painful and impractical....
So...if i want to do what i want to do...
What do i really want?
ok...I am not speaking logically already...am I?
020805
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
To ask someone to take care of my heart ...
Am I too much to ask someone to take care of my heart...
I am just asking...
I am quite an easy maintenance person...
I dun need much...
Just a little air...enough to breathe...
just a little food...keep me moving...
Just a little sleep...keep me freash everyday..
just a little music...soothe my mood...
just a little love...in any form...
I guess..that is all i need for the time being...
Anyone can give me that??
Thanks you very much.
250705
I am just asking...
I am quite an easy maintenance person...
I dun need much...
Just a little air...enough to breathe...
just a little food...keep me moving...
Just a little sleep...keep me freash everyday..
just a little music...soothe my mood...
just a little love...in any form...
I guess..that is all i need for the time being...
Anyone can give me that??
Thanks you very much.
250705
Back to normal...
Life is back to normal...
Fairy tale on pause mode...
Rents to pay...
Financial in RED...
din win the lottery...
And so..I just found out I have been eating moldy bread again...
one bite...saw the mold..and freak out...not becos i see the mold...as if i have not eaten moldy bread before...but freak out becos...i am back to moldy bread eating days...
Indeed life is BACK to normal...
As if it is not enough...
I just found out that the butter is out of date as well...
as if i have not eaten any out of date food...in fact i always buy out of date food becos they are cheaper...
Hence I realise, indulging myself in 2 apples a day is sinful now...
Food ration should be back...
and...what else...I am thinking...yah...cruel life is back...
And that is life...
and oh...my agent just call...which means...work is back as well...what a life...
I miss my fairy tale...
where is my tall dark and handsome prince...
or my dwarf?
watever...
250705
Fairy tale on pause mode...
Rents to pay...
Financial in RED...
din win the lottery...
And so..I just found out I have been eating moldy bread again...
one bite...saw the mold..and freak out...not becos i see the mold...as if i have not eaten moldy bread before...but freak out becos...i am back to moldy bread eating days...
Indeed life is BACK to normal...
As if it is not enough...
I just found out that the butter is out of date as well...
as if i have not eaten any out of date food...in fact i always buy out of date food becos they are cheaper...
Hence I realise, indulging myself in 2 apples a day is sinful now...
Food ration should be back...
and...what else...I am thinking...yah...cruel life is back...
And that is life...
and oh...my agent just call...which means...work is back as well...what a life...
I miss my fairy tale...
where is my tall dark and handsome prince...
or my dwarf?
watever...
250705
Friday, July 22, 2005
Friday Fantasy...
Tonight I shall sleep as if I have won the Jackpot...which means...I probably couldn't sleep...becos I will too excited as if I have won...you know what i mean...
66Miliion...who can sleep...you tell me...
Anyway...
Enough of money...if i win ...I win...if i dun...I dun...
So for the day...
I have talking to my electric fren JM...and Yanni...
and as my mobile credit is very low...I cannot afford to sent him sms today...
maybe one last one before i sleep tonight...
Ah...that's all...
210705
66Miliion...who can sleep...you tell me...
Anyway...
Enough of money...if i win ...I win...if i dun...I dun...
So for the day...
I have talking to my electric fren JM...and Yanni...
and as my mobile credit is very low...I cannot afford to sent him sms today...
maybe one last one before i sleep tonight...
Ah...that's all...
210705
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Can you imagine...?
Well...to many of us...striking rich can be a solution to all problems...
Yet becoming TOO rich suddenly can cause other problems.
I have been thinking...
If i win the rollover...
I will stop looking for a job...
go for a long holiday...
lost the sense of competition and excitement in life...
becos i can have anything i want(materially)...
dun have to work hard to buy something i like...
dun have to work very hard for my art...
becos i dun have to impress any scholarship or funding boards to fund my work anymore...
then...I will stop doing my art...
which are based on my hardship and determination to become an artist for life...
perhaps i will not stop making art totally...
just that the direction of my art might change drastically...
not a bad thing...
but cannot speculate what it will become...
of cos...I will grow fat...becos i dun have to work anymore..
and can buy all the good food...
and eat a lot...since i am too free and not working...
of cos...i will become lazy...
bad bad...
and slurge all my money on useless things...spend and spend...
and becomes nothing...
lost the direction and goals in life...
ah...scary...
BUT BUT BUT...
I know I will not allow myself to become like dat...
At least...it will be a wise thing to invest my money for the future...and gave my money also to my family and friends...if they need fundings for their dreams...
plus..do a lot of charity work...i probably would like to go to areas like rural china, cambodia and thailand...to see the children in needs...build school...hire teachers...
He and i agree to share our winnings...so he will have half of watever...
and he also agrees that he will be in charge of the african side...doing charity.
Then...we will travel around the world...half backpack...becos we do enjoy a little simple and wild travel...
half luxury...go for good food...and interesting destinations...
Regardless of whether our relationship will last...
I would still want a personal art studio...
with fully equiped facilities...
then...start to have solo exhibitions worldwide...
Open a pub...with a live stage..playing good music...
open a restauarnt...cook good food...
open a publishing house...
publish personal writings...
and interesting blogs and artists book...
make short films...
make movies...
write scripts for theatres...
start art projects...
of course...by 35 years old..i want to have at least 2 kid...
if not..more...
I wanna learn millions of things...
pick up at least a few more languages...
japanese...korean...thai...german?...french...?..italian?...greek..spanish...??
pick up a few instrument...piano?...gu-zhen(chinese zither)...??..violin??
learn how to make a persona website...hire a web technician...??
learn movie making and video editing...
learn chinese calligraphy..chinese paintings...chinese seal carving...
learn ceramics and pottery....traditional and comtemporary....
learn glass blowing....make glass work..
learn knitting....
learn various international cooking....Love to cook!
learn printmaking..
learn photography...
learn driving...ohh...better not...get a driver instead...hehe...
ohh...get my dive master cert...and go diving!!!!
Ahh....so many things to learn....
And things i realy wanna buy...
Have a personal library....
and buy a lot oof books...so that i can be reading a lot....
lots of artbooks...philo...travel...magazines...novels...japanese comics...
Have a collection of music...CDs..
vinyl tracks...
Good audio system....
Buy a lot of nice shoes...which I have been eyeing...
Buy a few good proper jeans...some nice dresses...blouses and t-shirts...
have an equiped wardrobe...I am not particular about dressing up though...
just a few nice ones which i will always wear...
and keep wearing...not too many clothes becos I dun like to think too much in terms of what to wear for the day...
so the lesser the choice...the lesser the fuss...so just a good collection of clothes that i will always wear...
not one that has too many clothes that i never wear...
ah...then a full set of diving gears...
good art equipments and materials in my studio....
all sort of oil paints full artist range....
acrylics...watercolours....pastel...crayons...
brushes...all sorts of canvases and papers...cutters...
colour pencils, markers...
wood carving tools...drills....saws....
pottery tools....kiln....
print-making tools....
good computers to support my protfolio and websites....
and video works...
printers....?...
sound room?...?
a superb kitchen....
with stove and ovens...
facilities from baking cakes and cookies to making timsum...
beautiful kitchen wares...different style...
chinese...japanese...western...watever.....greek?...
nice bowls...plates..cups...and different tea pots....
maybe some made by myself...
ah...buy nice towels and bed sheets....I like fabrics...
i like textile things...curtains..??...watever
hmm...enough buying...dun have much to buy actually....
i dun like cars...OHH...but a mini copper...the old original one...
I love that car....
and...yah...that's all...i guess...
I wonder is i have any money left after all these...or did i ask for too much...
and lastly just to do all the above things...with the fact that I am with someone i love and love me...
I hope that is not too much to ask for...
hmm....suddenly i realise...I can achieve all these...even if i din win a lottery...probably have to wait for 20 more years...when i have enough savings....and establish practices....I would be 45 by then....probably will have a house...which is also my studiopay by installaments)...with good collection of material over the years....well travelled by 45(get travel fundings and art residencies)....have a superb kitchen by then....have at least 2 kids( not a difficult thing if i get married by 35)...a good wardrobe of enough clothings i need( i actually got enough...just a few more for vanity)....good collections of books which i will never finish reading(library)...good collection of music....(download online)....learn a couple of languages as I travel....learn ceramics and pottery along the way....have a good personal website.....and publish a few books....make a few short films...wrote a few theatre and movie scripts....opena small pubs with friends...or with my brothers....or a restaurant....and pop by to eat good food....
Hmm....maybe if i dun win...i just have to wait for another 20 years....I can wait really....
but....what if...I am still as poor and struggling like i am today....
being a poor and struggling artist...is not easy...no matter how determine...
it is not easy...
IF I WIN....and if i win.....THINGS WILL BE A LOT EASIER....dun you think..?
Look forward....
can you imagine...?
210705
Yet becoming TOO rich suddenly can cause other problems.
I have been thinking...
If i win the rollover...
I will stop looking for a job...
go for a long holiday...
lost the sense of competition and excitement in life...
becos i can have anything i want(materially)...
dun have to work hard to buy something i like...
dun have to work very hard for my art...
becos i dun have to impress any scholarship or funding boards to fund my work anymore...
then...I will stop doing my art...
which are based on my hardship and determination to become an artist for life...
perhaps i will not stop making art totally...
just that the direction of my art might change drastically...
not a bad thing...
but cannot speculate what it will become...
of cos...I will grow fat...becos i dun have to work anymore..
and can buy all the good food...
and eat a lot...since i am too free and not working...
of cos...i will become lazy...
bad bad...
and slurge all my money on useless things...spend and spend...
and becomes nothing...
lost the direction and goals in life...
ah...scary...
BUT BUT BUT...
I know I will not allow myself to become like dat...
At least...it will be a wise thing to invest my money for the future...and gave my money also to my family and friends...if they need fundings for their dreams...
plus..do a lot of charity work...i probably would like to go to areas like rural china, cambodia and thailand...to see the children in needs...build school...hire teachers...
He and i agree to share our winnings...so he will have half of watever...
and he also agrees that he will be in charge of the african side...doing charity.
Then...we will travel around the world...half backpack...becos we do enjoy a little simple and wild travel...
half luxury...go for good food...and interesting destinations...
Regardless of whether our relationship will last...
I would still want a personal art studio...
with fully equiped facilities...
then...start to have solo exhibitions worldwide...
Open a pub...with a live stage..playing good music...
open a restauarnt...cook good food...
open a publishing house...
publish personal writings...
and interesting blogs and artists book...
make short films...
make movies...
write scripts for theatres...
start art projects...
of course...by 35 years old..i want to have at least 2 kid...
if not..more...
I wanna learn millions of things...
pick up at least a few more languages...
japanese...korean...thai...german?...french...?..italian?...greek..spanish...??
pick up a few instrument...piano?...gu-zhen(chinese zither)...??..violin??
learn how to make a persona website...hire a web technician...??
learn movie making and video editing...
learn chinese calligraphy..chinese paintings...chinese seal carving...
learn ceramics and pottery....traditional and comtemporary....
learn glass blowing....make glass work..
learn knitting....
learn various international cooking....Love to cook!
learn printmaking..
learn photography...
learn driving...ohh...better not...get a driver instead...hehe...
ohh...get my dive master cert...and go diving!!!!
Ahh....so many things to learn....
And things i realy wanna buy...
Have a personal library....
and buy a lot oof books...so that i can be reading a lot....
lots of artbooks...philo...travel...magazines...novels...japanese comics...
Have a collection of music...CDs..
vinyl tracks...
Good audio system....
Buy a lot of nice shoes...which I have been eyeing...
Buy a few good proper jeans...some nice dresses...blouses and t-shirts...
have an equiped wardrobe...I am not particular about dressing up though...
just a few nice ones which i will always wear...
and keep wearing...not too many clothes becos I dun like to think too much in terms of what to wear for the day...
so the lesser the choice...the lesser the fuss...so just a good collection of clothes that i will always wear...
not one that has too many clothes that i never wear...
ah...then a full set of diving gears...
good art equipments and materials in my studio....
all sort of oil paints full artist range....
acrylics...watercolours....pastel...crayons...
brushes...all sorts of canvases and papers...cutters...
colour pencils, markers...
wood carving tools...drills....saws....
pottery tools....kiln....
print-making tools....
good computers to support my protfolio and websites....
and video works...
printers....?...
sound room?...?
a superb kitchen....
with stove and ovens...
facilities from baking cakes and cookies to making timsum...
beautiful kitchen wares...different style...
chinese...japanese...western...watever.....greek?...
nice bowls...plates..cups...and different tea pots....
maybe some made by myself...
ah...buy nice towels and bed sheets....I like fabrics...
i like textile things...curtains..??...watever
hmm...enough buying...dun have much to buy actually....
i dun like cars...OHH...but a mini copper...the old original one...
I love that car....
and...yah...that's all...i guess...
I wonder is i have any money left after all these...or did i ask for too much...
and lastly just to do all the above things...with the fact that I am with someone i love and love me...
I hope that is not too much to ask for...
hmm....suddenly i realise...I can achieve all these...even if i din win a lottery...probably have to wait for 20 more years...when i have enough savings....and establish practices....I would be 45 by then....probably will have a house...which is also my studiopay by installaments)...with good collection of material over the years....well travelled by 45(get travel fundings and art residencies)....have a superb kitchen by then....have at least 2 kids( not a difficult thing if i get married by 35)...a good wardrobe of enough clothings i need( i actually got enough...just a few more for vanity)....good collections of books which i will never finish reading(library)...good collection of music....(download online)....learn a couple of languages as I travel....learn ceramics and pottery along the way....have a good personal website.....and publish a few books....make a few short films...wrote a few theatre and movie scripts....opena small pubs with friends...or with my brothers....or a restaurant....and pop by to eat good food....
Hmm....maybe if i dun win...i just have to wait for another 20 years....I can wait really....
but....what if...I am still as poor and struggling like i am today....
being a poor and struggling artist...is not easy...no matter how determine...
it is not easy...
IF I WIN....and if i win.....THINGS WILL BE A LOT EASIER....dun you think..?
Look forward....
can you imagine...?
210705
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Restless...
It is ok to be sad or misrable...
as I do occasionally enjoy them...but NOT RESTLESS.
Restless is the one most horrible thing that can happen to me.
Restless...
Just feels like a piece of shit...
smelly...stinky...and sticky...
that squash into a splut on the floor when someone step on it accidentally...
simply annoying...
As days goes by...
I have become lazy...
I do enjoy laziness...
But then...when laziness makes me feels useless...
That is bad...
However...I do have plans...just that...my current financial condition does not allows me to laze around too long...
as usual...
Ah....where are all my electric friends today...
ohh...body aches...
becos of carrying my laptop around and do groceries yesterday...and walked all the way home to save bus fare...
LiFe SuCKs!!!
200705
as I do occasionally enjoy them...but NOT RESTLESS.
Restless is the one most horrible thing that can happen to me.
Restless...
Just feels like a piece of shit...
smelly...stinky...and sticky...
that squash into a splut on the floor when someone step on it accidentally...
simply annoying...
As days goes by...
I have become lazy...
I do enjoy laziness...
But then...when laziness makes me feels useless...
That is bad...
However...I do have plans...just that...my current financial condition does not allows me to laze around too long...
as usual...
Ah....where are all my electric friends today...
ohh...body aches...
becos of carrying my laptop around and do groceries yesterday...and walked all the way home to save bus fare...
LiFe SuCKs!!!
200705
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
The EuroMillion Rollover AGAIN!...
YES YES YES!...I am that obsessed with the idea.
And I love it...always imagine myself to be a millionaire whenever there is a rollover...
And be happy for the week...
Even if I DIN WIN!
as long as the result is not out...
EVERYBODY IS THE WINNER!
The euphoric experience is so intense that it is more effective than eating a mountain of chocolate...
especially for my case...I HATE chocolate.
And so...I shall daydream...and..let's see what i wanna do if I win...
1. Pack a small bag and fly to meet him...
2. Or...pack my bags...go chiangmai...and meet my parents...
3. To singapore to meet my friend...
4. hmm...nothig else to do...
It only shows that I am actually quite contented in my life now...
I actually dun have anything urgent I wanna do...except for meeting people...
becos I am just too lonely here...
perhaps go for a shopping spree...
but there is nothing in particular i really need...probably a couple of pairs of shoes...
dresses...that won't cost much...but have got no occassion to wear becos i dun have much frens here...
and maybe go for a nice dinner....but dun noe who to go with...
eating alone is not a too interesting thing to do...
so if i win the rollover...
I want to see all my frens...
i miss them...
So that's all...
Hope I win...
190705
And I love it...always imagine myself to be a millionaire whenever there is a rollover...
And be happy for the week...
Even if I DIN WIN!
as long as the result is not out...
EVERYBODY IS THE WINNER!
The euphoric experience is so intense that it is more effective than eating a mountain of chocolate...
especially for my case...I HATE chocolate.
And so...I shall daydream...and..let's see what i wanna do if I win...
1. Pack a small bag and fly to meet him...
2. Or...pack my bags...go chiangmai...and meet my parents...
3. To singapore to meet my friend...
4. hmm...nothig else to do...
It only shows that I am actually quite contented in my life now...
I actually dun have anything urgent I wanna do...except for meeting people...
becos I am just too lonely here...
perhaps go for a shopping spree...
but there is nothing in particular i really need...probably a couple of pairs of shoes...
dresses...that won't cost much...but have got no occassion to wear becos i dun have much frens here...
and maybe go for a nice dinner....but dun noe who to go with...
eating alone is not a too interesting thing to do...
so if i win the rollover...
I want to see all my frens...
i miss them...
So that's all...
Hope I win...
190705
How deep is your love...or mine...?
Love da feeling that i am writing again..technically...typing to be precise.
The intense feeling of love fades away as time goes by...but that doesn't mean i dun love him anymore...
it only means I can see this relationship with a clearer mind...and calmer heart...
Too tired to ask how deep is his love for me...
Maybe for a girl...we always like to noe this...
But now...What i am trying to access is how deep is my love..for him...
First of all...most certainly... I know...I love him.
Then...the question is how much.
Love means a million things to me.
I love the view from my window...
i love the walkway along the end of Sauchiehall street...
I love the rain...when I am sleeping in my bed...
I love the sun occassionally...
I love eating pipping hot food...
I love muching cold salad...
I love to cook...
I love to voice my feelings...
So many love...no particular reasons most of the time...
So how deep is my love for him...
I cannot guage.
There is no way I can...
becos most of the time...I dun know why I love certain things...
perhaps there are reasons for why I love something...
but that reason does not apply to everything that i love...
which means...that is not the reason why i love something...
For instance...I love his smile...
I just like it...he always smile like a boy...
like something amuse him so much...he smile...
Especially the one that he had on his face when he first solve the rubiks cube...
But then...if he dun have such smile...
I still love him...
So it is not his smile...
Becos he change my lightbulb?...i love him before he did so...
Becos he rides a bicycle?...dun think so...
And...thinking so hard...
I actually cannot think of anything concrete why i love him...perhaps too many reasons in the past...
but nothing comes to my mind exactly...
sometimes he reminds me of my father...who like to fix machines...
but if he doesn't...
I still love him...
Sometimes he makes me happy...
but if he doesn't...
I still love him...
sometimes he makes me sad...
but if he does...
I still love him...
sometimes he amuses me...
but if he doesn't...
i still love him...
sometimes he annoys me...
but if he does..
i still love him...
sometimes he makes me laugh...
but if he doesn't...
i still love him...
sometimes he makes me cry...
but if he does...
I still love him...
So...how deep is my love for him...
I cannot guage.
There is no way.
Only time will tell.
But right now...I just love him.
That is how deep.
This deep.
190705
The intense feeling of love fades away as time goes by...but that doesn't mean i dun love him anymore...
it only means I can see this relationship with a clearer mind...and calmer heart...
Too tired to ask how deep is his love for me...
Maybe for a girl...we always like to noe this...
But now...What i am trying to access is how deep is my love..for him...
First of all...most certainly... I know...I love him.
Then...the question is how much.
Love means a million things to me.
I love the view from my window...
i love the walkway along the end of Sauchiehall street...
I love the rain...when I am sleeping in my bed...
I love the sun occassionally...
I love eating pipping hot food...
I love muching cold salad...
I love to cook...
I love to voice my feelings...
So many love...no particular reasons most of the time...
So how deep is my love for him...
I cannot guage.
There is no way I can...
becos most of the time...I dun know why I love certain things...
perhaps there are reasons for why I love something...
but that reason does not apply to everything that i love...
which means...that is not the reason why i love something...
For instance...I love his smile...
I just like it...he always smile like a boy...
like something amuse him so much...he smile...
Especially the one that he had on his face when he first solve the rubiks cube...
But then...if he dun have such smile...
I still love him...
So it is not his smile...
Becos he change my lightbulb?...i love him before he did so...
Becos he rides a bicycle?...dun think so...
And...thinking so hard...
I actually cannot think of anything concrete why i love him...perhaps too many reasons in the past...
but nothing comes to my mind exactly...
sometimes he reminds me of my father...who like to fix machines...
but if he doesn't...
I still love him...
Sometimes he makes me happy...
but if he doesn't...
I still love him...
sometimes he makes me sad...
but if he does...
I still love him...
sometimes he amuses me...
but if he doesn't...
i still love him...
sometimes he annoys me...
but if he does..
i still love him...
sometimes he makes me laugh...
but if he doesn't...
i still love him...
sometimes he makes me cry...
but if he does...
I still love him...
So...how deep is my love for him...
I cannot guage.
There is no way.
Only time will tell.
But right now...I just love him.
That is how deep.
This deep.
190705
The EuroMillion Rollover!!!!
66 Million Pounds!!!!!...COUNT THE ZEROS BEHIND IT!!!!...what more can I say!
190705
190705
Love and hate....Happy and sad....
He said...Life needs a big smile...He hate the word sad...
but but...I love it...
It's like...life will not be happy if there is no sadness...
If you know what I mean...in fact...I do enjoy being sad for a while...it is the time...when you become very delicate...and sensitive...laugh and cry at almost everything....feel the slightest of the wind blowing in the air...if life is without any sadness....than happy will not be happy.
190705
but but...I love it...
It's like...life will not be happy if there is no sadness...
If you know what I mean...in fact...I do enjoy being sad for a while...it is the time...when you become very delicate...and sensitive...laugh and cry at almost everything....feel the slightest of the wind blowing in the air...if life is without any sadness....than happy will not be happy.
190705
Friday, July 15, 2005
OH MY GOD!
What...you mean I can change the title of my blog...gee...now I know...
haha...anyway...will think about it!...haha...
LOVE TO ALL!
haha...anyway...will think about it!...haha...
LOVE TO ALL!
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
I guess things have to come to an end...
He left...
I wasn't too sad actually...and surprisingly...
maybe becos i feel more peaceful and at ease now that I know he feels the same for me...
perhaps...we are not fated to be together afterall...but fated to meet is good enough...
We still keep in contact.
I guess things have to come to an end...and...
I am thinking of ending this blog...
First of all...I am planning to go home soon...for a special reason...i might need to go back to singapore for a scholarship ineterview...chances are...i might just stay there and not come back...
second...my family is no longer in singapore now...so..strictly speaking I dun have a home now in singapore...and i am now in glasgow...which is my home now...strangely...
So NOT AT HOME...is not valid anymore...
I thought i have expose tooo much of myself for this entire blogging experience...not that i dun like dat...but is feeling uncomfortable as i tell more and more...
And so..yah...this is probably the end...maybe i will pop by and post some silly notes on and off...but...I dun think it will be frequent anymore...
I suspect no one will feel sad anyway...becos not much people really read my blog...
Thanks to those who always visit and comment and update...especialy my blg pal bill and Jm...and LW...the rest you know who you are..i know you all care...
And lastly...maybe i shall start a new blog soon...called SEARCHING FOR HOME...
watever...keep you guys update!...
and as you all know I am fickled minded...
I might start to post stuff again tomolo...who knows...
LOTS OF LOVE!
strangecloud
I wasn't too sad actually...and surprisingly...
maybe becos i feel more peaceful and at ease now that I know he feels the same for me...
perhaps...we are not fated to be together afterall...but fated to meet is good enough...
We still keep in contact.
I guess things have to come to an end...and...
I am thinking of ending this blog...
First of all...I am planning to go home soon...for a special reason...i might need to go back to singapore for a scholarship ineterview...chances are...i might just stay there and not come back...
second...my family is no longer in singapore now...so..strictly speaking I dun have a home now in singapore...and i am now in glasgow...which is my home now...strangely...
So NOT AT HOME...is not valid anymore...
I thought i have expose tooo much of myself for this entire blogging experience...not that i dun like dat...but is feeling uncomfortable as i tell more and more...
And so..yah...this is probably the end...maybe i will pop by and post some silly notes on and off...but...I dun think it will be frequent anymore...
I suspect no one will feel sad anyway...becos not much people really read my blog...
Thanks to those who always visit and comment and update...especialy my blg pal bill and Jm...and LW...the rest you know who you are..i know you all care...
And lastly...maybe i shall start a new blog soon...called SEARCHING FOR HOME...
watever...keep you guys update!...
and as you all know I am fickled minded...
I might start to post stuff again tomolo...who knows...
LOTS OF LOVE!
strangecloud
Friday, July 08, 2005
The man who change my lightbulb....
Tuesday...
my lightbulb fused again...
it is about time anyway...
But It is summer now...and it is still bright outside ...i dun have any spare lightbulb...
and i am lazy to buy one....
I thought..maybe i will change it tomolo..since he is coming and he can change it for me...
He did...
At first...I ask him to change it for me...and he said...why can't i change it myself...
and i was angry...
So I climb up the chairs and do it myself...
he saw me struggling...and shoo me away....
and change it for me in the end....
That was it...
I think I found the person who change my lightbulb...
080705
my lightbulb fused again...
it is about time anyway...
But It is summer now...and it is still bright outside ...i dun have any spare lightbulb...
and i am lazy to buy one....
I thought..maybe i will change it tomolo..since he is coming and he can change it for me...
He did...
At first...I ask him to change it for me...and he said...why can't i change it myself...
and i was angry...
So I climb up the chairs and do it myself...
he saw me struggling...and shoo me away....
and change it for me in the end....
That was it...
I think I found the person who change my lightbulb...
080705
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
His story vs my story...
I am not sue if I have ever told you people when was the first time we met.
We met in the dissertation conference for our department where we present our essay research to our follow classmates...that was the first time we know the exitence of each other...becos...I asked him a question that he could not answer...during Q&A.
The second time....was in london....and he told me...he thought i was not polite to leave him alone with the rest of the other people and went away alone to china town...at that time...he was hoping to go away with me...becos the group that we are tagging along are not very friendly people.....for me...i intended to drag him along...but i guess there is a misunderstanding somehwere....and i tot he said...he wanted to stay with them....ah...misunderstanding...we could have been better friends then if we were to shop china town in london....maybe things will be different...
Anyway...he said...he thought he should give me a second chance...though he thought I was impolite.. :p
third time...we happened to be in the gallery....only the two of us...that was becos...he was invigilating a friends work...while i am in school hoping to join an extra critique session...but couldn't find the group of them...so i just stay in the gallery and wait...so the two of us...start to chat again....he told me...it was a pleasant conversation...
Fourth time...I was helping a frined to ship back stuff to singapore...and need help to carry the boxes down to the lobby...no one was around except him...in his studio....i ask him to help...he hesitated for like 1 second and agrees to help....
He remembers everything....as we are discussing about how we met....he remembers...
and i asked him....when was the frist time you really ever notice me...if you know what i mean...he said...
there was once when i was wearing my checked blue shirt(which i always do)...but i let down my plaited hair....he was shocked to realised that my hair was that long...becos for days...sitting beside him in his studio...I always bun up my hair...and he has got no idea how long it was.....so he said...yah....that was the first time...and he asked me if i remember him telling me...my hair was amazing....(something like dat..i couldn't remember the exact word he said...but i roughly do remember he did comment something about my long hair...which everybody does when they see it...)
I told him about the times....when we left the school together each day...and at the door...i will always ask him when he will be in school tomolo...and he will tell me the same time...and we will say"see you tommorrow"....before we part...everyday....and each time...I will walk quietly with my head down...for a while...and finally decide to look back...and see him riding away....everyday...i would do that...and everytime...we will hang around the door and say the same thing....and slowly...the time spend at the door drags...and at times...there will be silence...while we stand at the door...and then we will say..." see you tomolo.."....i will always walk...for a while before i turn back and look at him ride away( i never tell him this until he told me...).....then he told me ....actually...he would always turn and look at me for a few times...before he rides away....and he will see me walking home...with my head down.....so...he was also looking at me...but but....we never did see each other turning back and look at each other...we just missed that every time.....
anyway....that was it for the day....enuff to feel real sad when he leaves on friday.
060705
We met in the dissertation conference for our department where we present our essay research to our follow classmates...that was the first time we know the exitence of each other...becos...I asked him a question that he could not answer...during Q&A.
The second time....was in london....and he told me...he thought i was not polite to leave him alone with the rest of the other people and went away alone to china town...at that time...he was hoping to go away with me...becos the group that we are tagging along are not very friendly people.....for me...i intended to drag him along...but i guess there is a misunderstanding somehwere....and i tot he said...he wanted to stay with them....ah...misunderstanding...we could have been better friends then if we were to shop china town in london....maybe things will be different...
Anyway...he said...he thought he should give me a second chance...though he thought I was impolite.. :p
third time...we happened to be in the gallery....only the two of us...that was becos...he was invigilating a friends work...while i am in school hoping to join an extra critique session...but couldn't find the group of them...so i just stay in the gallery and wait...so the two of us...start to chat again....he told me...it was a pleasant conversation...
Fourth time...I was helping a frined to ship back stuff to singapore...and need help to carry the boxes down to the lobby...no one was around except him...in his studio....i ask him to help...he hesitated for like 1 second and agrees to help....
He remembers everything....as we are discussing about how we met....he remembers...
and i asked him....when was the frist time you really ever notice me...if you know what i mean...he said...
there was once when i was wearing my checked blue shirt(which i always do)...but i let down my plaited hair....he was shocked to realised that my hair was that long...becos for days...sitting beside him in his studio...I always bun up my hair...and he has got no idea how long it was.....so he said...yah....that was the first time...and he asked me if i remember him telling me...my hair was amazing....(something like dat..i couldn't remember the exact word he said...but i roughly do remember he did comment something about my long hair...which everybody does when they see it...)
I told him about the times....when we left the school together each day...and at the door...i will always ask him when he will be in school tomolo...and he will tell me the same time...and we will say"see you tommorrow"....before we part...everyday....and each time...I will walk quietly with my head down...for a while...and finally decide to look back...and see him riding away....everyday...i would do that...and everytime...we will hang around the door and say the same thing....and slowly...the time spend at the door drags...and at times...there will be silence...while we stand at the door...and then we will say..." see you tomolo.."....i will always walk...for a while before i turn back and look at him ride away( i never tell him this until he told me...).....then he told me ....actually...he would always turn and look at me for a few times...before he rides away....and he will see me walking home...with my head down.....so...he was also looking at me...but but....we never did see each other turning back and look at each other...we just missed that every time.....
anyway....that was it for the day....enuff to feel real sad when he leaves on friday.
060705
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
28th june 2005
Was a lazy lazy Tuesday with the finest weather Glasgow can ever have....
And i lie on the bed forever...until I had to get up...
It was yet another bizzare day...
280605
And i lie on the bed forever...until I had to get up...
It was yet another bizzare day...
280605
Monday, June 27, 2005
DON"T EVER READ THIS!
I am so afraid that he will read this blog sooner or later....and came first thing in the morning wanting to remove the entire site...but i couldn't do it....part of me wanted him to know this.
This most bizzare and strangest thing happened in my life since last Friday....till now...
And i am not sure how this mess is going to end...
If you are the person i am talking about in my blog right now....
Dun read on...unless you know what you are doing...
270605
This most bizzare and strangest thing happened in my life since last Friday....till now...
And i am not sure how this mess is going to end...
If you are the person i am talking about in my blog right now....
Dun read on...unless you know what you are doing...
270605
Thursday, June 23, 2005
22nd june 2005
It was yesterday..
It was a boring day...things seems to be back to normal...
Normal in the sense...
Left with he and i again.
I am beginning to suspect Bill is correct.
Maybe it will take a longer time to get over him...
But it will take forever to forget this person.
It was a boring day as usual...
and i went to his studio...
he was there...as usual...and we just did nothing...hanging around together...
He asked me to come in his studio...
and he showed me a chocolate muffin...
like always...most peole will forget that i dun like chocolate...and he forgets despite the fact that i have told him more than twice...
but we share it...becos i am really hungry...
while we are looking at the picture he took yesterday...
it was disasterous...becos most of the pictures are blur...
his hands were shaking...becos he was drunk yesterday...
But there was a picture of me...looking at him...
That was a picture I knew he was taking a picture of me...
We went to the library together later in the day...and sit around his studio when the lubrary closes...
we are sitting in the space...I was busy playing my rubiks cube...while he pick up my hair....(my hair is very long and they are in plaits yesterday)..he was looking...one of the plaits were lose and he start to plait them for me...while i am solving my rubiks cube...
then i look at him...at the corner of my eye...he seems to be enjoying what he is doing...
The day past...and time to go home...
He went to my space and I showed him the poster of my korean idol...
then...we walked past the glasgow film theatre where there is another poster of my korean idol again...
i told him...that is the kind of guy i like...
we parted...and he cycle off to meet his parents for dinner...
I went home...
I did not miss him after that when i reach home
...becos i have enough of him for the day already.
230605
It was a boring day...things seems to be back to normal...
Normal in the sense...
Left with he and i again.
I am beginning to suspect Bill is correct.
Maybe it will take a longer time to get over him...
But it will take forever to forget this person.
It was a boring day as usual...
and i went to his studio...
he was there...as usual...and we just did nothing...hanging around together...
He asked me to come in his studio...
and he showed me a chocolate muffin...
like always...most peole will forget that i dun like chocolate...and he forgets despite the fact that i have told him more than twice...
but we share it...becos i am really hungry...
while we are looking at the picture he took yesterday...
it was disasterous...becos most of the pictures are blur...
his hands were shaking...becos he was drunk yesterday...
But there was a picture of me...looking at him...
That was a picture I knew he was taking a picture of me...
We went to the library together later in the day...and sit around his studio when the lubrary closes...
we are sitting in the space...I was busy playing my rubiks cube...while he pick up my hair....(my hair is very long and they are in plaits yesterday)..he was looking...one of the plaits were lose and he start to plait them for me...while i am solving my rubiks cube...
then i look at him...at the corner of my eye...he seems to be enjoying what he is doing...
The day past...and time to go home...
He went to my space and I showed him the poster of my korean idol...
then...we walked past the glasgow film theatre where there is another poster of my korean idol again...
i told him...that is the kind of guy i like...
we parted...and he cycle off to meet his parents for dinner...
I went home...
I did not miss him after that when i reach home
...becos i have enough of him for the day already.
230605
21st june 2005
The SEA departmental party in Partick hill bowling club...
I went to the party with Danny, David and Alec...we went to buy prawn crackers...
and sausages...
He was not around for the whole day becos he went to edinburgh with his parents...
His gf went back to london this afternoon...
I was in school walking around...
I made a few new friends yesterday..mathew from photography...who is quite a cute guy..and we kept seeing each other at the basement becos his studio is just next to me...
tris another guy fom photography...whose studio is across my studio...and i always when to his studio to steal teacakes which is suppose to be for his audience...he caught me a few times...
And another guy...who is a gradute lats year and i dun noe his name...he is a part time janitor for the degree show...and he spent quite some time in my space that afternoon...and he ask me if i really hate glasgow so much...haha...then we had a nice chat at the staircase for a while...and later outside my studo...and we talk about our work...
So...i am beginning to notice other people in my world...
and..the world is still beautiful...
meanwhile...back to the story about the party...it was a nice and friendly party..becos for me...at least this is a party where i know everybody....and i am still enjoying myself chatting with a classmate...
he was not around for the whole day...but it was fine..
then after like 2 hours later...i had a missed call...
it was him...he was back from edinburgh...
and i told him the location of the party and he found his way here...
i was still happy to see him...
definitely...
but not becos i have got anymore fantasy about him...
but we have become such good friends...
he gave me a wink...from another crowd where he is "socialising'
while i chat with lindsey...
then at some point...
he ask me to go over to his side...and we talk a bit...
he took some pictures of me making funny faces...and we took some picture together...
making funny faces...
then he took pictures of me with other friends...
I tried a sip of white wine from his glass...and we share a sausage...
I am not sure if that is too intimate for friends to do that...
but i think...we are just so "friend" that we dun really mind this kind of things...
not a boy-girl relationship...but a buddy one.
I realise...I no longer feel akward...
becos I am not hoping anything to happen anymore...
I just want to enjoy a pure reliance for each other...
Just that kind of friendship between he and me.
He was quite drunk at the end of the day...
and Danny my classmate was acting funny after a few pints...
Then something really amusing and flattered...
(Danny, a classmate of mine...who came to me a few times and told me I look lovely in my dress during the degree show..)
We were sitting inside the bowling club...
He was sitting beside me...and we are talking...
Danny was sitting right opposite him...
suddenly...danny was looking at him...with a stern look...
and told him...this is between the two of them....
the two man shake hands...among his slurring...i heard my name...
something like...it is about me...
then i felt a bit embarass...and told the rest of the people sitting around the table
"I dun noe these two guys'
Then...i gave him a pat on his back...and he gave Danny a cigarette...
so...it was resolved...but i still dun noe what they had just resolved..
something regarding me...
soon...it was 12am..
The party stopped...
and everybody pack up...
"Shall we go" he said...
and we are the first to go...
Two of us...we walked out...and head for his bicycle...
i asked him if he is sober enough to ride his bicycle...
he said...he will walk with me for a while...
so we walked together...
It was chilly...
it drizzled suddenly...
We both curse the glasgow weather at the same time...
but i enjoy this moment.
we walked past kelvingrove museum...and he took a couple of picture of it with the red sky...
he took a picture of me...holding his bicycle...
We walked past a slug...and i told him about the story of me killing a snail accidentalyy when i was a kid...and i told him... i suspect will become a snail in my next life...
he said...he will remember that and the next time he sees a snail...he will noe it is me...
we are at a Y junction...but both way will reach my home...
he said...we shall walked past the most beautiful road of glasgow...becos we dun have anymore time together in the future (becos he is going back to greece soon...)
It was a nice walk...
all the walk with him is always nice...
Then..i was near my flat...it was actually also somewhere he used to lived in last year...but we never met in the past...although we almost stay in the same street...mine was at a corner...his was on the main street...he told me about the story where he was being fine by the police for throwing his trash on the wrong day...i told him...i always put my trash in the lane...we had a good luagh...
and i told him to ride carefully home...becos i know he is drunk...
I ask if he is still sober...
he said he knows what he is doing...
Then he ride away...
230605
I went to the party with Danny, David and Alec...we went to buy prawn crackers...
and sausages...
He was not around for the whole day becos he went to edinburgh with his parents...
His gf went back to london this afternoon...
I was in school walking around...
I made a few new friends yesterday..mathew from photography...who is quite a cute guy..and we kept seeing each other at the basement becos his studio is just next to me...
tris another guy fom photography...whose studio is across my studio...and i always when to his studio to steal teacakes which is suppose to be for his audience...he caught me a few times...
And another guy...who is a gradute lats year and i dun noe his name...he is a part time janitor for the degree show...and he spent quite some time in my space that afternoon...and he ask me if i really hate glasgow so much...haha...then we had a nice chat at the staircase for a while...and later outside my studo...and we talk about our work...
So...i am beginning to notice other people in my world...
and..the world is still beautiful...
meanwhile...back to the story about the party...it was a nice and friendly party..becos for me...at least this is a party where i know everybody....and i am still enjoying myself chatting with a classmate...
he was not around for the whole day...but it was fine..
then after like 2 hours later...i had a missed call...
it was him...he was back from edinburgh...
and i told him the location of the party and he found his way here...
i was still happy to see him...
definitely...
but not becos i have got anymore fantasy about him...
but we have become such good friends...
he gave me a wink...from another crowd where he is "socialising'
while i chat with lindsey...
then at some point...
he ask me to go over to his side...and we talk a bit...
he took some pictures of me making funny faces...and we took some picture together...
making funny faces...
then he took pictures of me with other friends...
I tried a sip of white wine from his glass...and we share a sausage...
I am not sure if that is too intimate for friends to do that...
but i think...we are just so "friend" that we dun really mind this kind of things...
not a boy-girl relationship...but a buddy one.
I realise...I no longer feel akward...
becos I am not hoping anything to happen anymore...
I just want to enjoy a pure reliance for each other...
Just that kind of friendship between he and me.
He was quite drunk at the end of the day...
and Danny my classmate was acting funny after a few pints...
Then something really amusing and flattered...
(Danny, a classmate of mine...who came to me a few times and told me I look lovely in my dress during the degree show..)
We were sitting inside the bowling club...
He was sitting beside me...and we are talking...
Danny was sitting right opposite him...
suddenly...danny was looking at him...with a stern look...
and told him...this is between the two of them....
the two man shake hands...among his slurring...i heard my name...
something like...it is about me...
then i felt a bit embarass...and told the rest of the people sitting around the table
"I dun noe these two guys'
Then...i gave him a pat on his back...and he gave Danny a cigarette...
so...it was resolved...but i still dun noe what they had just resolved..
something regarding me...
soon...it was 12am..
The party stopped...
and everybody pack up...
"Shall we go" he said...
and we are the first to go...
Two of us...we walked out...and head for his bicycle...
i asked him if he is sober enough to ride his bicycle...
he said...he will walk with me for a while...
so we walked together...
It was chilly...
it drizzled suddenly...
We both curse the glasgow weather at the same time...
but i enjoy this moment.
we walked past kelvingrove museum...and he took a couple of picture of it with the red sky...
he took a picture of me...holding his bicycle...
We walked past a slug...and i told him about the story of me killing a snail accidentalyy when i was a kid...and i told him... i suspect will become a snail in my next life...
he said...he will remember that and the next time he sees a snail...he will noe it is me...
we are at a Y junction...but both way will reach my home...
he said...we shall walked past the most beautiful road of glasgow...becos we dun have anymore time together in the future (becos he is going back to greece soon...)
It was a nice walk...
all the walk with him is always nice...
Then..i was near my flat...it was actually also somewhere he used to lived in last year...but we never met in the past...although we almost stay in the same street...mine was at a corner...his was on the main street...he told me about the story where he was being fine by the police for throwing his trash on the wrong day...i told him...i always put my trash in the lane...we had a good luagh...
and i told him to ride carefully home...becos i know he is drunk...
I ask if he is still sober...
he said he knows what he is doing...
Then he ride away...
230605
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
20th June 2005
Today is the day...I totally get over a him.
Totally.
I was actually feeling quite calm and peaceful.
Not much stir or movements...in my heart...
Slowly...I get used to the fact that I dun have to be around or with him all the time...
after these two days where i tried my best to avoid him...and realise i am ok without him.
Then ...
I got this moment where I got to share some moments alone with HER.
His gf.
She is really a nice girl.
very sweet and frenly.
We did have a few chance to chat...
So there was this instance where i went to hie studio again in the afternoon...
I knew she will be there...
I am just bored...and he is my only few friends here...
But when i reach there...he is not around...but she is.
she invited me to his control room...and i hesitated...
she was smiling and ask if i am afraid to go in...
of cos not...i said in my heart...i have been inside for too many times...
we went in and kept very quiet when visitors come and go...to his interactive space...
we giggle at times when we see people acting funny in the space...
and she is really a very friendly girl...
Then a couple came in....speaking in greek...
and then he came back...expalining his work...
then another couple came in...they are his parents from greece.
As the both of us girls laugh at what his parents were doing...hoping and making hand gesture to play with the real time interatctive media....she told me that his parents dun seem to like her a lot...and always show a very stern face...while her parents like him a lot...
I told her to be patient and things will be better hopefully in the future...
they are together for 7 years...
it was like listening to a close friend telling me about her little secret...
she is really a very sweet girl...a very pretty one too.
then...after so much giggling we had in the control room...
He left with his parents and his parents' friends...
I sneak out of the room without them seeing me while she wait for him to go back...
I walked home smiling...
and have made up my mind to get over him...
in fact i did.
And futhermore both are my friends now...
I give them my blessing.
I hope they will be happy.
Then i will be happy.
230605
Totally.
I was actually feeling quite calm and peaceful.
Not much stir or movements...in my heart...
Slowly...I get used to the fact that I dun have to be around or with him all the time...
after these two days where i tried my best to avoid him...and realise i am ok without him.
Then ...
I got this moment where I got to share some moments alone with HER.
His gf.
She is really a nice girl.
very sweet and frenly.
We did have a few chance to chat...
So there was this instance where i went to hie studio again in the afternoon...
I knew she will be there...
I am just bored...and he is my only few friends here...
But when i reach there...he is not around...but she is.
she invited me to his control room...and i hesitated...
she was smiling and ask if i am afraid to go in...
of cos not...i said in my heart...i have been inside for too many times...
we went in and kept very quiet when visitors come and go...to his interactive space...
we giggle at times when we see people acting funny in the space...
and she is really a very friendly girl...
Then a couple came in....speaking in greek...
and then he came back...expalining his work...
then another couple came in...they are his parents from greece.
As the both of us girls laugh at what his parents were doing...hoping and making hand gesture to play with the real time interatctive media....she told me that his parents dun seem to like her a lot...and always show a very stern face...while her parents like him a lot...
I told her to be patient and things will be better hopefully in the future...
they are together for 7 years...
it was like listening to a close friend telling me about her little secret...
she is really a very sweet girl...a very pretty one too.
then...after so much giggling we had in the control room...
He left with his parents and his parents' friends...
I sneak out of the room without them seeing me while she wait for him to go back...
I walked home smiling...
and have made up my mind to get over him...
in fact i did.
And futhermore both are my friends now...
I give them my blessing.
I hope they will be happy.
Then i will be happy.
230605
Monday, June 20, 2005
19th June...
Sent wendy to the bus-stop...
for her flight to go home...in the morning...
****
Reach school at around 2pm...went to his studio becos mine was not open yet...
saw him and her at the door...
and i told him i want to return him things...
Return him the key...
and the mp3 player that he lent me....which he says i can keep...
and a plug for the DVD player which he gave me before the assessment...
I have got loads of stuff...from him...
And he was amused...he din even remember that he lent me so many things...
and he said..."you witch!...how come I lent you so many things..."
he always call me the chinese witch...as a joke...
So i went away....
Went to his studio later a fter a few hours...
and i din see him...I knew he was behind the walls again in the control room...
she was not around as well....I knew she is inside too...
I pop my head into the space...
and then i left...
my mobile rang...twice...and had a text message...
it was him...
he saw me from his video camera from him control room...and ask me to come in...
I opened the liitle door....and i knew she was there too...
I just say...hi...and ask him if he had a lot of visitor today...
He told me...he is going to the branes today...if i want to use the internet connection in his studio there..
that old studio ...
I meet him and her after 5pm...and went there...
I always feel weird that the 3 of us walk together...like this..
but the door of the barnes cannot be accessed..becos it was sunday...
i was disappointed...and he said...he had connection at home...
I rejected his suggestion...becos it would be more akward...for me to go to his place...with the two of them...
Then i saw someone's car...
and recognise it was cecil...
he called her...
and she open the door for us...cecil is a MFA student..and had access on sunday.
We went in and plug in my laptop...
It was nice to go back to that old computer studio again...becos this is the place that build our friendship...
While she is checking her emails...
I return him the money he lent me weeks ago for paying my school fees....
i thought something should be resolved...the money...and my fantasy...
I wished him luck...and put the money i owe him in a red packet( we chinese give blessing by putting money in a red packet...)
Then...after a while...he and she left...while i stayed behind...and go back to my cyberspace...
I was enjoying moments of solitude and peace...and feeling rather happy.
about 15 minutes later...he called and ask me to open the door for him...
he came back with an ancient looking fire extinguisher...
and said he found in a burnt down house...along the way back..and he came back to put this in the studio...
she went home..i thing...
then we had another chat for a while...and he left...
230605
200605
for her flight to go home...in the morning...
****
Reach school at around 2pm...went to his studio becos mine was not open yet...
saw him and her at the door...
and i told him i want to return him things...
Return him the key...
and the mp3 player that he lent me....which he says i can keep...
and a plug for the DVD player which he gave me before the assessment...
I have got loads of stuff...from him...
And he was amused...he din even remember that he lent me so many things...
and he said..."you witch!...how come I lent you so many things..."
he always call me the chinese witch...as a joke...
So i went away....
Went to his studio later a fter a few hours...
and i din see him...I knew he was behind the walls again in the control room...
she was not around as well....I knew she is inside too...
I pop my head into the space...
and then i left...
my mobile rang...twice...and had a text message...
it was him...
he saw me from his video camera from him control room...and ask me to come in...
I opened the liitle door....and i knew she was there too...
I just say...hi...and ask him if he had a lot of visitor today...
He told me...he is going to the branes today...if i want to use the internet connection in his studio there..
that old studio ...
I meet him and her after 5pm...and went there...
I always feel weird that the 3 of us walk together...like this..
but the door of the barnes cannot be accessed..becos it was sunday...
i was disappointed...and he said...he had connection at home...
I rejected his suggestion...becos it would be more akward...for me to go to his place...with the two of them...
Then i saw someone's car...
and recognise it was cecil...
he called her...
and she open the door for us...cecil is a MFA student..and had access on sunday.
We went in and plug in my laptop...
It was nice to go back to that old computer studio again...becos this is the place that build our friendship...
While she is checking her emails...
I return him the money he lent me weeks ago for paying my school fees....
i thought something should be resolved...the money...and my fantasy...
I wished him luck...and put the money i owe him in a red packet( we chinese give blessing by putting money in a red packet...)
Then...after a while...he and she left...while i stayed behind...and go back to my cyberspace...
I was enjoying moments of solitude and peace...and feeling rather happy.
about 15 minutes later...he called and ask me to open the door for him...
he came back with an ancient looking fire extinguisher...
and said he found in a burnt down house...along the way back..and he came back to put this in the studio...
she went home..i thing...
then we had another chat for a while...and he left...
230605
200605
Just a hug...
17th June 2005...something i alomost forget...
It happened before I saw him holding her hands...
It was almost the end of the degree show for the night and everyone is packing...to join the street party...
I ran to his space...for the last time...wanting to tell him I am going home...
She was there...
He was in his little studio...behind the walls...
I went in...and she was outside waiting...
i was there to get some of my stuff...
I left some of my stuff in his space...
Then...before i go...
I told me..." Something I forget to say...congradulations.."
And I gave him a hug...
Then I say.."see you tomolo..."
And he says"NO!...you are going to be at the party tonight..."
The street party he meant...
I promise him I am going...and said "see you later..'
I did went to the street party in the end.
As you all know...
and that was the party that broke my heart...on the 17th June 2005.
It happened before I saw him holding her hands...
It was almost the end of the degree show for the night and everyone is packing...to join the street party...
I ran to his space...for the last time...wanting to tell him I am going home...
She was there...
He was in his little studio...behind the walls...
I went in...and she was outside waiting...
i was there to get some of my stuff...
I left some of my stuff in his space...
Then...before i go...
I told me..." Something I forget to say...congradulations.."
And I gave him a hug...
Then I say.."see you tomolo..."
And he says"NO!...you are going to be at the party tonight..."
The street party he meant...
I promise him I am going...and said "see you later..'
I did went to the street party in the end.
As you all know...
and that was the party that broke my heart...on the 17th June 2005.
Still 18th June...
we are back from Edinburgh...
And i had to see him...
I went to his studio...
and she was there...
He was inside his studio behind the little control room...
while she is in the interactive space...
she saw me...and smile...and said...
"he was talking about you for the whole day...and say why din you come over..'
I was slightly happy...but I know she is just being polite...
I told him i went to edinburgh...and is going home soon....
****
I was outside the school after packing my laptop....and just outside the school building...I saw him and her...
walking together...holding hands...
I was walking right behind...like 10 metres away...
I search for my camera...and SHIT!...i forget to bring...
I wanted to take a picture of their backview holding hands....
Not to remember it...instead...to forget...
Becos...I am going to rememebr this scene forever becos I dun have a camera with me then...
I cannot load this image off my mind...
That scene that pinch my heart again...
I was caught in a dllemma whether to call out to him or not...
It would have beem weird to interupt becos they look like they are enjoying some little moments together...
I called out to him softly...and swallow my voice...
and just walked behind them....becos that was also my way home..
Today...he din ride a bike to school and walked home with her...that wasvery nice...
Then...
she suddenly stopped....and take pictures of a building...
while he waited...
he turn around...
AND SAW ME....
I smiled at him......and he made a hand gesture to shoot me...
I pretend to get hitted by him...
and we laugh...then his gf saw me...
we are like 10 metres apart then...
I join their walk...which i feel a bit bad...becos I interupted their moment...
and the walking position is funny...
I was talking to him....and walked on his side...while his gf was slightly between and behind us...
Then i realise that and feel bad...so...i widen the gap between us...so that she can come in between...
becos I am really shouldn't be the one standing beside him...
Then I end up talking to him..with her standing betwwen us...
I asked him....if his studio back in the barnes building is empty now..
" Did you want the key?...and he took out his key...
and he was tempting me with his key...
He gave me the key...
Then she stopped and took pictures again...and I walked with him further down...and he told me we dun have to be inschool early...becos studio is open at 2pm tomolo...we are smiling...and his girfren came over...and asked why are we laughing so happily...we told her about my retarded discovery...
We parted at the junction...and said good bye...smiling at him...and his gf.
*****
Backed at home....
I spent the whole night watching korean movie...
I was slightly feeling better becos my attention was slighty diverted to be in love with the drama...
Until the next morning...I have realise something...
All the while...it was a misunderstanding of gesture...
I mistook his gesture of friendship for love.
He is still very nice to me...in front of his girlfren...and he never did look akward...
I was more like a buddy to him...
200605
And i had to see him...
I went to his studio...
and she was there...
He was inside his studio behind the little control room...
while she is in the interactive space...
she saw me...and smile...and said...
"he was talking about you for the whole day...and say why din you come over..'
I was slightly happy...but I know she is just being polite...
I told him i went to edinburgh...and is going home soon....
****
I was outside the school after packing my laptop....and just outside the school building...I saw him and her...
walking together...holding hands...
I was walking right behind...like 10 metres away...
I search for my camera...and SHIT!...i forget to bring...
I wanted to take a picture of their backview holding hands....
Not to remember it...instead...to forget...
Becos...I am going to rememebr this scene forever becos I dun have a camera with me then...
I cannot load this image off my mind...
That scene that pinch my heart again...
I was caught in a dllemma whether to call out to him or not...
It would have beem weird to interupt becos they look like they are enjoying some little moments together...
I called out to him softly...and swallow my voice...
and just walked behind them....becos that was also my way home..
Today...he din ride a bike to school and walked home with her...that wasvery nice...
Then...
she suddenly stopped....and take pictures of a building...
while he waited...
he turn around...
AND SAW ME....
I smiled at him......and he made a hand gesture to shoot me...
I pretend to get hitted by him...
and we laugh...then his gf saw me...
we are like 10 metres apart then...
I join their walk...which i feel a bit bad...becos I interupted their moment...
and the walking position is funny...
I was talking to him....and walked on his side...while his gf was slightly between and behind us...
Then i realise that and feel bad...so...i widen the gap between us...so that she can come in between...
becos I am really shouldn't be the one standing beside him...
Then I end up talking to him..with her standing betwwen us...
I asked him....if his studio back in the barnes building is empty now..
" Did you want the key?...and he took out his key...
and he was tempting me with his key...
He gave me the key...
Then she stopped and took pictures again...and I walked with him further down...and he told me we dun have to be inschool early...becos studio is open at 2pm tomolo...we are smiling...and his girfren came over...and asked why are we laughing so happily...we told her about my retarded discovery...
We parted at the junction...and said good bye...smiling at him...and his gf.
*****
Backed at home....
I spent the whole night watching korean movie...
I was slightly feeling better becos my attention was slighty diverted to be in love with the drama...
Until the next morning...I have realise something...
All the while...it was a misunderstanding of gesture...
I mistook his gesture of friendship for love.
He is still very nice to me...in front of his girlfren...and he never did look akward...
I was more like a buddy to him...
200605
18th June 2005...
I survive...
I went to Edinburgh with Wendy today...
I was walking with her to the train station....while we walk past all the shops...
walking pass Greggs bakery...and I told her...
"This is the Greggs that he always buy the scones..."
Then walking pass another Greggs...I told her...
"This was the Greggs...he bought the chicken Mayo sandwich..."
At the train station....wendy went to WHS to buy some drinks...
I told her I just want water...
And she says it is cheaper to buy the fizzy drinks...
and she bought FANTA Orange...
She ask if it was ok...
I actually do like it...
Then I told her on the train...
"FANTA orange is his favourite drink..."
We went to Edinburgh...and head for the old town...and I told her...
" He mentioned that he is planning to stay in the old town next year..."
We went to a quilt making factory...and wendy made a copper lucky penny...with a machine...and i told her...
"He had a similar one which says.."my lucky penny"...he showed me before..."
Walked pass a street market...selling jewellery...saw some toe ring...and told her...
"he likes to play with my toe rings..."
Aye...everything today is about him.
It was not wendy's fault...thay just happen...and they happen so cruelly.
I always believe things happen for a reason...
They happened...because my heart is broken...
That was on 18th June 2005
200605
I went to Edinburgh with Wendy today...
I was walking with her to the train station....while we walk past all the shops...
walking pass Greggs bakery...and I told her...
"This is the Greggs that he always buy the scones..."
Then walking pass another Greggs...I told her...
"This was the Greggs...he bought the chicken Mayo sandwich..."
At the train station....wendy went to WHS to buy some drinks...
I told her I just want water...
And she says it is cheaper to buy the fizzy drinks...
and she bought FANTA Orange...
She ask if it was ok...
I actually do like it...
Then I told her on the train...
"FANTA orange is his favourite drink..."
We went to Edinburgh...and head for the old town...and I told her...
" He mentioned that he is planning to stay in the old town next year..."
We went to a quilt making factory...and wendy made a copper lucky penny...with a machine...and i told her...
"He had a similar one which says.."my lucky penny"...he showed me before..."
Walked pass a street market...selling jewellery...saw some toe ring...and told her...
"he likes to play with my toe rings..."
Aye...everything today is about him.
It was not wendy's fault...thay just happen...and they happen so cruelly.
I always believe things happen for a reason...
They happened...because my heart is broken...
That was on 18th June 2005
200605
Again...17th June 2005...
Heartbroken...
I went home with wendy...
I am not sure if it is something good to have a best friend around while I am feeling sad...
Becos...i will usually pretend that I am fine...
so as not to worry them...
We went home..and i called JM...my friend in Manchester...who is a secondary classmate of wendy...
I was sobbing to him that i was heartbroken...
Both wendy and Jm concluded that...I AM NOT...becos I was NOT EVEN A THIRD PARTY...
Then...Jm did the most funny thing he had ever did...
He said..." Chyiyun...there is something very cruel I want to tell you..."
I said.." Yah...say.."
He said..." I am heartbroken as well...becos....my mobile phone bill is £4.80 now...talking to you like this..."
He is a cheapskate just like me...
I burst into laughter becos I know he is not joking....
And wendy was laughing too....
*****
Late at night...Wendy fell asleep...
I sat on my bed...and think of a lot of things...
I sent text message to yahui my another best fren in singapore and told her I am heartbroken...
and appeal for her to sent me some love...
I am heartbroken...i really am.
that night...it was 3am...18th June already...
I manage to survive till the next day...with my bleeding heart...
200605
I went home with wendy...
I am not sure if it is something good to have a best friend around while I am feeling sad...
Becos...i will usually pretend that I am fine...
so as not to worry them...
We went home..and i called JM...my friend in Manchester...who is a secondary classmate of wendy...
I was sobbing to him that i was heartbroken...
Both wendy and Jm concluded that...I AM NOT...becos I was NOT EVEN A THIRD PARTY...
Then...Jm did the most funny thing he had ever did...
He said..." Chyiyun...there is something very cruel I want to tell you..."
I said.." Yah...say.."
He said..." I am heartbroken as well...becos....my mobile phone bill is £4.80 now...talking to you like this..."
He is a cheapskate just like me...
I burst into laughter becos I know he is not joking....
And wendy was laughing too....
*****
Late at night...Wendy fell asleep...
I sat on my bed...and think of a lot of things...
I sent text message to yahui my another best fren in singapore and told her I am heartbroken...
and appeal for her to sent me some love...
I am heartbroken...i really am.
that night...it was 3am...18th June already...
I manage to survive till the next day...with my bleeding heart...
200605
Still 17th of June 2005
While he was holding her hand and i walked behind...we met Heather my best fren in school...
She asked him to introduce her...
And i was standing beside looking at them...
he look so affectionate when he introduce her...
I walked away...
I went back to wendy...
She was waiting for me in the crowd...
I was so sad by then...but i wanted to see him for the last time.
I know i am not sensible anymore...
I called him and ask where is he...
And he told me he was near the Vic bar...i went there and he was at a corner...with her...
I SHOULDN'T HAVE COME OVER...
I walked towards them...
and he said the most hurting words i have heard from him...
"I shall be a gentleman today and let you sit on my jacket..."
And he lay his jacket on the floor and let me sit on it...at one side of the corner...
I was touched...but hurt too..and said jokingly..."yah...and the rest of the days...you are a bastard.."
while he sat with his gf...at the other side...
It was the next hurtful moments...after the hand holding episode...
Becos...I felt like an intruder...
someone extra....
someone...who shouldn't be there at all...
I asked him if he is still angry with that drunk woman...
and he said..." Chyi Yun...why din you help me...We can beat them up together..."(something like that...)
I smile....
We sat there for a while...while he took pictures of the crowd in front with his gf's camera....
while i was holding on to his camera and took pictures of him..and his gf...
he showed the pics to his gf on his right...
and turn to his left to show me...
I was surprise...but slightly feeling confused...
Then...I stood up..and said i am leaving...becos my friend, wendy who fly over from singapore to see me is waiting for me...
They also stood up and plan to leave...
He wanted to take his jacket...and I pick that up instead...and say this to him...
"I will be a gentle lady today...to put this on for you..."
he replied..."and the rest of the days you are a bastard.."
I replied .."yah.." ..and pretend to strangle him......
Then...while we walked out of the corner...
someone on the way stopped us...
our classmate alison..and ask him to introduce her...
he did..and my classmates asked...."Is she your girlfren?"
And SHE NODDED HER HEAD...
I couldn't remember what was his replied...
becos I was already walking away...when I heard alison ask this..and by the time i turn my head and wanted to look at his expression...HER NOD caught me...but i think i heard him admitting it...but i forget what he says...
One more thing to add to the confirmation...which convince me...I have been fantasizing all the while...
It was all my colorful imagination of this world....
Things really did happened...but not the way I thought they meant to be...
All was just a silly girl's fantasy...
My silly single-minded, one-sided...love story.
It was shattered into a million,billion...trillion pieces...
My heart...that is.
This happened on the 17th June 2005
200605
She asked him to introduce her...
And i was standing beside looking at them...
he look so affectionate when he introduce her...
I walked away...
I went back to wendy...
She was waiting for me in the crowd...
I was so sad by then...but i wanted to see him for the last time.
I know i am not sensible anymore...
I called him and ask where is he...
And he told me he was near the Vic bar...i went there and he was at a corner...with her...
I SHOULDN'T HAVE COME OVER...
I walked towards them...
and he said the most hurting words i have heard from him...
"I shall be a gentleman today and let you sit on my jacket..."
And he lay his jacket on the floor and let me sit on it...at one side of the corner...
I was touched...but hurt too..and said jokingly..."yah...and the rest of the days...you are a bastard.."
while he sat with his gf...at the other side...
It was the next hurtful moments...after the hand holding episode...
Becos...I felt like an intruder...
someone extra....
someone...who shouldn't be there at all...
I asked him if he is still angry with that drunk woman...
and he said..." Chyi Yun...why din you help me...We can beat them up together..."(something like that...)
I smile....
We sat there for a while...while he took pictures of the crowd in front with his gf's camera....
while i was holding on to his camera and took pictures of him..and his gf...
he showed the pics to his gf on his right...
and turn to his left to show me...
I was surprise...but slightly feeling confused...
Then...I stood up..and said i am leaving...becos my friend, wendy who fly over from singapore to see me is waiting for me...
They also stood up and plan to leave...
He wanted to take his jacket...and I pick that up instead...and say this to him...
"I will be a gentle lady today...to put this on for you..."
he replied..."and the rest of the days you are a bastard.."
I replied .."yah.." ..and pretend to strangle him......
Then...while we walked out of the corner...
someone on the way stopped us...
our classmate alison..and ask him to introduce her...
he did..and my classmates asked...."Is she your girlfren?"
And SHE NODDED HER HEAD...
I couldn't remember what was his replied...
becos I was already walking away...when I heard alison ask this..and by the time i turn my head and wanted to look at his expression...HER NOD caught me...but i think i heard him admitting it...but i forget what he says...
One more thing to add to the confirmation...which convince me...I have been fantasizing all the while...
It was all my colorful imagination of this world....
Things really did happened...but not the way I thought they meant to be...
All was just a silly girl's fantasy...
My silly single-minded, one-sided...love story.
It was shattered into a million,billion...trillion pieces...
My heart...that is.
This happened on the 17th June 2005
200605
The Ultimate Heartbreaker...17th June 2005
Friday...
There was a street party for the degree show...I was standing near him...
as well as his girlfriend...
then someone spill beer on him...and his beloved newly bought camera...
his girlfriend quickly found a piece of cloth and help him to wipe his camera...
while me...I dun have anything accept for my dress...haha
I stood there and watch becos i am in no position to show my concern...
if you know what i mean...who am I to be so anxious about him...
he look angry...becos the beer was spilled over him by a drunk girl...who did it on purpose and is still laughing...
and did not apologise...
he was almost going to start a fight while his girlfriend was helping him to dry his camera...and calming him down...
yet...he looked angry...and he gave me a glance...I look back...with a look that says..."dun do it"...
Then...after a while...a man came over and apologise on behalf of the girl...
Then the three of us...his gf, him amd me...left that spot for some other place...I knew she was his gf...but I need a confirm gesture to utterly convince me...
And that was it...we left the spot with him holding her hands...
and me...walking right behind them...
I am utterly convince.
That was 17th June 2005
There was a street party for the degree show...I was standing near him...
as well as his girlfriend...
then someone spill beer on him...and his beloved newly bought camera...
his girlfriend quickly found a piece of cloth and help him to wipe his camera...
while me...I dun have anything accept for my dress...haha
I stood there and watch becos i am in no position to show my concern...
if you know what i mean...who am I to be so anxious about him...
he look angry...becos the beer was spilled over him by a drunk girl...who did it on purpose and is still laughing...
and did not apologise...
he was almost going to start a fight while his girlfriend was helping him to dry his camera...and calming him down...
yet...he looked angry...and he gave me a glance...I look back...with a look that says..."dun do it"...
Then...after a while...a man came over and apologise on behalf of the girl...
Then the three of us...his gf, him amd me...left that spot for some other place...I knew she was his gf...but I need a confirm gesture to utterly convince me...
And that was it...we left the spot with him holding her hands...
and me...walking right behind them...
I am utterly convince.
That was 17th June 2005
The introduction...
He introduce a very sweet girl to me on Thursday...
I have the gut feeling that she is the person I mosted wanted to see.
His girlfriend.
He did not mention that she is...but I can feel it.
That was on 16th June 2005.
200605
I have the gut feeling that she is the person I mosted wanted to see.
His girlfriend.
He did not mention that she is...but I can feel it.
That was on 16th June 2005.
200605
15th june 2005
Met him in the afternoon...becos of the camera deal...
He was absolutely delighted.
Two days ago...I asked him if i can get a commsion out of this transaction...
and he said What do you want?"
I told him..."Chiken mayo sandwich..."
He replied.." Just that?"
And I continued.." for a life time.."
He said..." we will discuss about that..."
I know it is a ridiculous request...which he will not grant me.
We said "see you later" to each other to go to the opening for the MFA show...but I din go...
becos Wendy my best fren is here...and i stayed home to cooked her dinner.
I am too lazy to go as well...just too lazy...
That was wednesday...
200605
He was absolutely delighted.
Two days ago...I asked him if i can get a commsion out of this transaction...
and he said What do you want?"
I told him..."Chiken mayo sandwich..."
He replied.." Just that?"
And I continued.." for a life time.."
He said..." we will discuss about that..."
I know it is a ridiculous request...which he will not grant me.
We said "see you later" to each other to go to the opening for the MFA show...but I din go...
becos Wendy my best fren is here...and i stayed home to cooked her dinner.
I am too lazy to go as well...just too lazy...
That was wednesday...
200605
14th June 2005
That was the happiest day I had In Glasgow.
Happiest...
That was the day i did almost absolutely nothing but is with him for the whole day.
As if I am not with him everyday for the past 5 weeks...
Still in Ailsa's caravan most of the time...
My toes ring...
The steps on the main hall...
The steps outside Aiilsa's caravan...
The bluff game...
Sorry...I dun feel like elaborating what happened...too sad to.
But I will rememeber them.
200605
Happiest...
That was the day i did almost absolutely nothing but is with him for the whole day.
As if I am not with him everyday for the past 5 weeks...
Still in Ailsa's caravan most of the time...
My toes ring...
The steps on the main hall...
The steps outside Aiilsa's caravan...
The bluff game...
Sorry...I dun feel like elaborating what happened...too sad to.
But I will rememeber them.
200605
13th June 2005
We went back to school after coming back from the camera shop...
and head for the library to go online...then Bax called...
and I logged off...before i go...I told "him" I had to run...
Just outside the mac building...I met Bax...and we went off together for tea...
On the way walking past the library...he walked past us across the street...and i waved at him...
He gave me a weird smile...
But after having tea with Bax,...I went back to school and called him...asking him where is he...
but is too lazy to go over and find him..I stayed at Ailsa's caravan...and had a nice cup of tea...
and text him telling him..I am too lazy.
He come over later...and we spent some nice lazy afternoon in her caravan...
That was 13th june 2005
and head for the library to go online...then Bax called...
and I logged off...before i go...I told "him" I had to run...
Just outside the mac building...I met Bax...and we went off together for tea...
On the way walking past the library...he walked past us across the street...and i waved at him...
He gave me a weird smile...
But after having tea with Bax,...I went back to school and called him...asking him where is he...
but is too lazy to go over and find him..I stayed at Ailsa's caravan...and had a nice cup of tea...
and text him telling him..I am too lazy.
He come over later...and we spent some nice lazy afternoon in her caravan...
That was 13th june 2005
Canon 300D
He wanted a camera so badly...
While a friend of mine had one.
I went to second handed camera shop with him on monday...
He was riding his bicyle and i walked...as usual.
He bought me a chicken mayo sandwich on the way...
We finally reached there but he was disappointed that the shop did not have the model he wanted.
I asked him how disappointed is he...and estimated the disappointed level by making a distance between my hands...
he said..."a bit more.."
And i told him...not to be ...
He was so desperate...and he ask me to call Gerard to ask him if he is willing to sell his.
I showed him Gerards camera the week before..and he is so excited about it...
And surprise surprise....Gerard is willing to sell his.
But..we need to wait for him to come back from Edinburgh...
So we went back to school...while I am meeting Bax at 1pm.
This happened on 13th June 2005.
While a friend of mine had one.
I went to second handed camera shop with him on monday...
He was riding his bicyle and i walked...as usual.
He bought me a chicken mayo sandwich on the way...
We finally reached there but he was disappointed that the shop did not have the model he wanted.
I asked him how disappointed is he...and estimated the disappointed level by making a distance between my hands...
he said..."a bit more.."
And i told him...not to be ...
He was so desperate...and he ask me to call Gerard to ask him if he is willing to sell his.
I showed him Gerards camera the week before..and he is so excited about it...
And surprise surprise....Gerard is willing to sell his.
But..we need to wait for him to come back from Edinburgh...
So we went back to school...while I am meeting Bax at 1pm.
This happened on 13th June 2005.
Herald says...
A review on Glasgow School of Art degree show 2005...
http://www.theherald.co.uk/features/41355.html
Which mentioned my work with a paragraph...
But they spelled my name wrongly...as usual...
The people here never spell my name correctly.
190605
http://www.theherald.co.uk/features/41355.html
Which mentioned my work with a paragraph...
But they spelled my name wrongly...as usual...
The people here never spell my name correctly.
190605
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Ah...
A little disapointed...but I got a 2-2.
Which is good enuff...
but I am hoping for a 2-1.
Anyway....2-2 is good enuff.
really.
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Which is good enuff...
but I am hoping for a 2-1.
Anyway....2-2 is good enuff.
really.
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And the result is...
5 minutes to results...there is already a queue outside the office...i better go queue up!...
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Tuesday, June 14, 2005
The most beautiful road in glasgow
We are walking along the most beauitful road in glasgow last thursday...at around 12 midnight...just the two of us...quietly....and i will never forget...SHIT!!!...as i was typing this line...he came over and see this...
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Monday, June 13, 2005
Bicycle story...
This happens weeks ago...
But I think...I have the responsibility to fill up the gap...
There are a couple of occassions when we travel a little distance on the same route before we part on our way home....he was on his bicycle...I was on foot.
He will always ride slowly...so that as he ride and i walked...we will chat...
i couldn't rememeber when was the first time...but I remember asking him weeks ago...
"Can your bicycle take two?"
I remember his reply was a quick one.."Nope."
i didn't probe.
Then on and off...whenever we are in this similiar situation when he is on his bike and I walking beside him...
I will ask the same question...
For the second time...
His answer is "nope."
For the third...
I asked...
"can your bicycle take two?..."
"Nope"..he says...
And i probe..."can you try..?"
"nope"..he says...with a smile.
Then he said...he is going to fix a basket in front of his bicycle...so that he can put his bag in it....
I told him...he should fix a "tray" at the back of the bicycle instead...
and he said..."can..but why at the back?"
I told him...so that i can sit behind...
He smile.
But he never said anything.
I know I have never been more straight forward in my life...
I thought I am obvious enough...
anyway...
as time goes by...
This question...that i always ask...is really just a silly attempt...
so one night....as we are on our way home...again...along renfew street...
I told him...
" I know this is a stupid question...becos I already know the answer...but I am always tempted to ask...can your bicycle take two?"
This time...
He smile...giving the same answer..."nope...."
but he didn't stop there....
he continues..."but keep trying..."
Sometimes...I dun noe if i should laugh or cry to his answer...
Is he stupid...or he is stupid?
Or maybe the person who really is dumb...is me.
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But I think...I have the responsibility to fill up the gap...
There are a couple of occassions when we travel a little distance on the same route before we part on our way home....he was on his bicycle...I was on foot.
He will always ride slowly...so that as he ride and i walked...we will chat...
i couldn't rememeber when was the first time...but I remember asking him weeks ago...
"Can your bicycle take two?"
I remember his reply was a quick one.."Nope."
i didn't probe.
Then on and off...whenever we are in this similiar situation when he is on his bike and I walking beside him...
I will ask the same question...
For the second time...
His answer is "nope."
For the third...
I asked...
"can your bicycle take two?..."
"Nope"..he says...
And i probe..."can you try..?"
"nope"..he says...with a smile.
Then he said...he is going to fix a basket in front of his bicycle...so that he can put his bag in it....
I told him...he should fix a "tray" at the back of the bicycle instead...
and he said..."can..but why at the back?"
I told him...so that i can sit behind...
He smile.
But he never said anything.
I know I have never been more straight forward in my life...
I thought I am obvious enough...
anyway...
as time goes by...
This question...that i always ask...is really just a silly attempt...
so one night....as we are on our way home...again...along renfew street...
I told him...
" I know this is a stupid question...becos I already know the answer...but I am always tempted to ask...can your bicycle take two?"
This time...
He smile...giving the same answer..."nope...."
but he didn't stop there....
he continues..."but keep trying..."
Sometimes...I dun noe if i should laugh or cry to his answer...
Is he stupid...or he is stupid?
Or maybe the person who really is dumb...is me.
130605
Friday, June 10, 2005
I just don't know what to do with myself...
I think I am confused.
First of all...I am not so sure now if he really has a gf...
or maybe he did have one...
But...he never mention to me about the existence of a "her" at all...
all the while.
I presume...or maybe I hope...
I have made a mistake.
But...I have been thinking...
regardless...
he is leaving...
I am leaving...
nothing can happen...
how sad.
Just cherish the moment....
and remember...
That is all I can do...really.
Really.
I just don't know what to do with myself now...
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First of all...I am not so sure now if he really has a gf...
or maybe he did have one...
But...he never mention to me about the existence of a "her" at all...
all the while.
I presume...or maybe I hope...
I have made a mistake.
But...I have been thinking...
regardless...
he is leaving...
I am leaving...
nothing can happen...
how sad.
Just cherish the moment....
and remember...
That is all I can do...really.
Really.
I just don't know what to do with myself now...
100605
The sun...
Makes you feels lazy...and want to do nothing...
indeed...but the rain has the same effect...
In fact...everything...and anything makes me feel lazy nowadays...
Lazy...
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indeed...but the rain has the same effect...
In fact...everything...and anything makes me feel lazy nowadays...
Lazy...
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It doesn't matter anymore...
Yesterday...
we went to the westend accidentally together....
and he brought me to a tea house...
and we had tea...
and we chat...
and we stayed until the place closes...
and we went to have supper...
in the restaurant i used to worked in...
stayed until 2am...
woke up this morning...go to school...
realise that he din wake up again...and called hm...
meet him in school...
go to have tea in another teahouse...
and had lunch...
stay around the school all day doing nothing...
sitting under the sun...
I thought...
even if he do have a girlfriend...
I really dun care now...
if we are friends...
we are friends...
it doesn't matter if he has a girlfriend.
it doesn't matter anymore.
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we went to the westend accidentally together....
and he brought me to a tea house...
and we had tea...
and we chat...
and we stayed until the place closes...
and we went to have supper...
in the restaurant i used to worked in...
stayed until 2am...
woke up this morning...go to school...
realise that he din wake up again...and called hm...
meet him in school...
go to have tea in another teahouse...
and had lunch...
stay around the school all day doing nothing...
sitting under the sun...
I thought...
even if he do have a girlfriend...
I really dun care now...
if we are friends...
we are friends...
it doesn't matter if he has a girlfriend.
it doesn't matter anymore.
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he has got a girlfriend...
I am totally heartbroken to realise that...he might have a girlfriend...
That was a few days ago...
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That was a few days ago...
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Thursday, June 09, 2005
Confused.
So the one great news is that I have done something I have always wanted to do...and did a great job out of it...and is very happy.
Completely satisfied.
The bad news is...
whenever there is a good news...there is a bad.
and the bad news is...
i'll leave the bad news next time....it's a long story.
Really bad.
080605
Completely satisfied.
The bad news is...
whenever there is a good news...there is a bad.
and the bad news is...
i'll leave the bad news next time....it's a long story.
Really bad.
080605
This is heaven.
I finish...at half nine today. IN TIME!
the researches and documentationa are really crappy...
But my major submission....is what i would describe as...
MY BEST WORK EVER!!!
so far.
COMPLETELY SATISFIED!
Something I always wanted to do...and I am glad i did it.
Had to thank a lot of people for giving me support.
Just a minor statistic...
I have spent more than £20 pounds on bluetacks for my show....
which is $60 singdollars...how much i wonder i can buy bluetack in singapore with that money...
This is insane!
anyway....
Everybody's work is EXCELLENCE!
I would say...this year...our batch of sculpture and environmental art has been the best batch!
The happy thing is also....a few lecturer came over and said to me I did a great job...
maybe they said this to everyone...
Alright...I know this posting is very unfocus...bits and pieces of news...without a main topic...
becos there is so much to say so smuch so much!!!!
This is heaven...
on earth now...
080605
the researches and documentationa are really crappy...
But my major submission....is what i would describe as...
MY BEST WORK EVER!!!
so far.
COMPLETELY SATISFIED!
Something I always wanted to do...and I am glad i did it.
Had to thank a lot of people for giving me support.
Just a minor statistic...
I have spent more than £20 pounds on bluetacks for my show....
which is $60 singdollars...how much i wonder i can buy bluetack in singapore with that money...
This is insane!
anyway....
Everybody's work is EXCELLENCE!
I would say...this year...our batch of sculpture and environmental art has been the best batch!
The happy thing is also....a few lecturer came over and said to me I did a great job...
maybe they said this to everyone...
Alright...I know this posting is very unfocus...bits and pieces of news...without a main topic...
becos there is so much to say so smuch so much!!!!
This is heaven...
on earth now...
080605
Aimi...the best helper.
First of all...I would like to thank my helper Aimi. She is the best!....she helps me to finish my work in time.
She also made a lot of interesting comments along the way...such as...
" If you had thrown all these away...we dun have to do so many things..."
"What are you going to do with all these stuff when the show is over?"
"What!!...you are going to send them home??!!!"
"you know what?!...if you are sending them home...i will not help you anymore!!!"
Hahaha...she is so cute...I know she is traumatise especially when she found a chunk of my hair in a bag...
anyway...i feel bad that I made she climb up and down to help me...
She is the best!
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She also made a lot of interesting comments along the way...such as...
" If you had thrown all these away...we dun have to do so many things..."
"What are you going to do with all these stuff when the show is over?"
"What!!...you are going to send them home??!!!"
"you know what?!...if you are sending them home...i will not help you anymore!!!"
Hahaha...she is so cute...I know she is traumatise especially when she found a chunk of my hair in a bag...
anyway...i feel bad that I made she climb up and down to help me...
She is the best!
080605
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Dead Tired.
I am.
Woke up in the morning...send my stuff to the studio....
Ask the Taxi driver to be my sponsor...as in not paying but send him an invite for my degree show...invite him as sponsor...and put his cab number or contact number on my wall...so that if people wants a cab...they will call him.
But he rejected.
Anyway...i tired...
then after stuggling to transport my stuff to the space...
I had to carry them to the space.
Then...load them...
went to the wood workshop and carry my woood...
Then went to hardware store to buy brackets...
then go back to studio to paint walls...
then go and get rollers for paints...
run around looking for fillers to patch walls full of holes...
tired...
run around for the whole day...
and when I am force to leave the space...
I am back to the studio...to type this posting...
Plus I am hungry and tired...
but i not too bad...because he is around.
I am just tired...
Too tired to be worry or panic.
Just too tired.
Good night...
Everybody.
By the way...How come nowadays I dun see comments on my blog...
everybody getting bored?
or me...getting boring?
anyway...good night..
ZZzzzZZzZzzz...
030605
Woke up in the morning...send my stuff to the studio....
Ask the Taxi driver to be my sponsor...as in not paying but send him an invite for my degree show...invite him as sponsor...and put his cab number or contact number on my wall...so that if people wants a cab...they will call him.
But he rejected.
Anyway...i tired...
then after stuggling to transport my stuff to the space...
I had to carry them to the space.
Then...load them...
went to the wood workshop and carry my woood...
Then went to hardware store to buy brackets...
then go back to studio to paint walls...
then go and get rollers for paints...
run around looking for fillers to patch walls full of holes...
tired...
run around for the whole day...
and when I am force to leave the space...
I am back to the studio...to type this posting...
Plus I am hungry and tired...
but i not too bad...because he is around.
I am just tired...
Too tired to be worry or panic.
Just too tired.
Good night...
Everybody.
By the way...How come nowadays I dun see comments on my blog...
everybody getting bored?
or me...getting boring?
anyway...good night..
ZZzzzZZzZzzz...
030605
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Title blogging...
Ah...too busy...millions to write...but trillions to do...
so I shall speed blogging by putting up the titles to remind myself and fill up the content when i have time.
1. "No...but keep trying."
2. Kungfu fighting.
3. She is not threatening anymore I wonder why.
4. "Good for you...good for the kids"
5. Bitch vs Bastard reconcilation.
6. Throw away my paintings.
7. we are going to have dinner in asian style but we are too tired.
8. 6 days to heaven.
9. How to you turn down the volume...?...why dun you ask me?
10. "you need an administartor for ur laptop"
11. "you are hired...but how much?....student discount?...99%!...nah...98 maybe..."
12. ebay spoof...
13. His birthday.
14. His father and my father.
15. More kungfu fighting.
Ok...so much to write....
020605
so I shall speed blogging by putting up the titles to remind myself and fill up the content when i have time.
1. "No...but keep trying."
2. Kungfu fighting.
3. She is not threatening anymore I wonder why.
4. "Good for you...good for the kids"
5. Bitch vs Bastard reconcilation.
6. Throw away my paintings.
7. we are going to have dinner in asian style but we are too tired.
8. 6 days to heaven.
9. How to you turn down the volume...?...why dun you ask me?
10. "you need an administartor for ur laptop"
11. "you are hired...but how much?....student discount?...99%!...nah...98 maybe..."
12. ebay spoof...
13. His birthday.
14. His father and my father.
15. More kungfu fighting.
Ok...so much to write....
020605
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Tanya
This blog is dedicated to her.
I used to think that this lecturer of mine dun like me.
Maybe becos I thought she feels that i am a lazy student who is never in school.
Or somehow...I felt weird when I see her...or maybe guilty.
Becos I am really not in school most of the time for the past one and a half year...
Recently, since i have semi-moved into this "new" studio space...she sees me everyday.
Becos the corridor is out side her office.
And whenever she walked past recently, she will make comments like..."you two are going to have square eyes...."
Or..."dun stay too late"...
Suddenly I felt that she is a compassionate lecturer in a way.
Maybe i have wronged her...
Or even if she dun like me....
she is still a concern lecturer...
Yesterday...she walked past the corridor again...
and she come to me and hold my face with her hands and say...
"let me look at you sha...and see if you are still alive..."
ah...I almost burst into laughter...
and feels touched...she cares.
And she left telling us not to stay too late again...and
she said the ultimate statement which makes us all burst into laughter...
she says...
"We know you guys have been surviving on cakes for weeks..dun think we can't see that."
We laugh...
she knows.
This morning...there was a new packet of scones on the table...and she walked past again saying...
"new cakes?"
Ah...isn't she sacarstic...in a concern way
Thanks.
010605
I used to think that this lecturer of mine dun like me.
Maybe becos I thought she feels that i am a lazy student who is never in school.
Or somehow...I felt weird when I see her...or maybe guilty.
Becos I am really not in school most of the time for the past one and a half year...
Recently, since i have semi-moved into this "new" studio space...she sees me everyday.
Becos the corridor is out side her office.
And whenever she walked past recently, she will make comments like..."you two are going to have square eyes...."
Or..."dun stay too late"...
Suddenly I felt that she is a compassionate lecturer in a way.
Maybe i have wronged her...
Or even if she dun like me....
she is still a concern lecturer...
Yesterday...she walked past the corridor again...
and she come to me and hold my face with her hands and say...
"let me look at you sha...and see if you are still alive..."
ah...I almost burst into laughter...
and feels touched...she cares.
And she left telling us not to stay too late again...and
she said the ultimate statement which makes us all burst into laughter...
she says...
"We know you guys have been surviving on cakes for weeks..dun think we can't see that."
We laugh...
she knows.
This morning...there was a new packet of scones on the table...and she walked past again saying...
"new cakes?"
Ah...isn't she sacarstic...in a concern way
Thanks.
010605
"what are we gonna do?"
I was here early...to rush a last minute editing for my postcard design...
Sit down and start my laptop....in his studio...which is now...also mine.
Then he asked me this question suddenly.
"what are we gonna do?"
I thought he meant the degree show.
I was puzzled.
I thought he is quite ready for that...as far as I can remember.
"I thought you already know what to do..."...I replied.
"No...what are we gonna do..?...we."he said.
"we?....do wat?"I asked back...
Then there was a silence...we went back to our work...on our own computers.
But...I cannot concentrate at all...
I dun noe what he is trying to say...
I felt like bashing him up.
310505
Sit down and start my laptop....in his studio...which is now...also mine.
Then he asked me this question suddenly.
"what are we gonna do?"
I thought he meant the degree show.
I was puzzled.
I thought he is quite ready for that...as far as I can remember.
"I thought you already know what to do..."...I replied.
"No...what are we gonna do..?...we."he said.
"we?....do wat?"I asked back...
Then there was a silence...we went back to our work...on our own computers.
But...I cannot concentrate at all...
I dun noe what he is trying to say...
I felt like bashing him up.
310505
Round 1...FIGHT!
Round 1.
She stayed.
On and on.
Just sit there and chat...look at him work...
I just had to keep quiet and do my work.
She wins.
Round 2.
Still there.
I send him MSN...
Tell him I am tired and hungry and is going home.
He was laughing...
She got no idea who is he MSNing initially...
but she is staring at his monitor while he type.
Then she turn and look at my laptop.
I hope she did made a connection and realise it was me.
Even if she din...
I win.
Round 3.(final round for the day)
I MSN him..becos I have decided to go home.
Becos it is painful to stay on with her around.
Not the first time...if you have read my previous post.
I packed my bags...and left.
She wins...
Becos I let her.
Hence...I went home broken hearted.
Not really feeling too sad...but a little...
weak.
Weak at heart.
Like I have used up all my energy to love somebody.
And...al these...can be wasted.
BEcos she might be his girlfren.
I never asked him.
It is silly.
He never said anything.
Maybe...I had been imaging again.
No one taught me how to fold a paper aeroplane...
No one was by the EMA door..calling out my name...
No one was throwing Shuriken at me...
No one buy me rasin scone...
No one buys me kinder bueno wafer...
No one was in the studio with me...
No one went shopping with me in Sainsbury...
I am just imaging.
I went home with a confused mind.
310505
She stayed.
On and on.
Just sit there and chat...look at him work...
I just had to keep quiet and do my work.
She wins.
Round 2.
Still there.
I send him MSN...
Tell him I am tired and hungry and is going home.
He was laughing...
She got no idea who is he MSNing initially...
but she is staring at his monitor while he type.
Then she turn and look at my laptop.
I hope she did made a connection and realise it was me.
Even if she din...
I win.
Round 3.(final round for the day)
I MSN him..becos I have decided to go home.
Becos it is painful to stay on with her around.
Not the first time...if you have read my previous post.
I packed my bags...and left.
She wins...
Becos I let her.
Hence...I went home broken hearted.
Not really feeling too sad...but a little...
weak.
Weak at heart.
Like I have used up all my energy to love somebody.
And...al these...can be wasted.
BEcos she might be his girlfren.
I never asked him.
It is silly.
He never said anything.
Maybe...I had been imaging again.
No one taught me how to fold a paper aeroplane...
No one was by the EMA door..calling out my name...
No one was throwing Shuriken at me...
No one buy me rasin scone...
No one buys me kinder bueno wafer...
No one was in the studio with me...
No one went shopping with me in Sainsbury...
I am just imaging.
I went home with a confused mind.
310505
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Reassessment...
She was here whenever she can.
That greek girl.
And she sits in between us...physically...and mentally.
For the whole day...her presence is felt.
It started...with he and I talking...and she came in...
start speaking in greek...and he and I stop talking...I went back to my seats...
and go back to staring at my laptop...
I was lightly disappointed that our converstion had to end in such a way...
But he sent me an emoticon on my MSN...while she is talking...
We just pretend we are chatting with "someone" online...though we are just 1.5 metres apart with her sitting in between...
we had to resort to using MSN...within such a short distance to communicate.
At that moment...I worship whoever invented internet.
She left...and came back again...left and came back...for a few times...
Then...at one point...she practically just sit there...watching him...doing his stuff on his computer...
while they speak in greek.
I am like I dun exist anymore...in the space.
I turn up my volume...and blast myself with music...and do my stuff...
TRYING...very hard to IGNORE everything.
But I can't.
And so..the results of my reassessment....
Is that..
This girl..is
classified as potentially threatening
and not as simple as ABC...
But what am I suppose to do?
I am in no position to fight.
I shall keep quiet and blend myself into the wall...
If I can...I will.
300505
That greek girl.
And she sits in between us...physically...and mentally.
For the whole day...her presence is felt.
It started...with he and I talking...and she came in...
start speaking in greek...and he and I stop talking...I went back to my seats...
and go back to staring at my laptop...
I was lightly disappointed that our converstion had to end in such a way...
But he sent me an emoticon on my MSN...while she is talking...
We just pretend we are chatting with "someone" online...though we are just 1.5 metres apart with her sitting in between...
we had to resort to using MSN...within such a short distance to communicate.
At that moment...I worship whoever invented internet.
She left...and came back again...left and came back...for a few times...
Then...at one point...she practically just sit there...watching him...doing his stuff on his computer...
while they speak in greek.
I am like I dun exist anymore...in the space.
I turn up my volume...and blast myself with music...and do my stuff...
TRYING...very hard to IGNORE everything.
But I can't.
And so..the results of my reassessment....
Is that..
This girl..is
classified as potentially threatening
and not as simple as ABC...
But what am I suppose to do?
I am in no position to fight.
I shall keep quiet and blend myself into the wall...
If I can...I will.
300505
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