Peace and joy.
This is my mood for this christmas.
Peace and joy is not easy.
Not last year at least.
This year, I found my theme song for this christmas...
my all time favourite christmas song in fact...
"Last christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day yo gave it away..."
This year, my heart is calm......haven't met anyone special ...
And so, my christmas day was sort of spent alone, not lonely though.
I was enjoying my rare peaceful and quiet.
That was my kind of joy.
Solitude and calm.
I was recalling my christmas in glasgow....I have been working...
At least here, I can rest.
Last year...I was at wendy's place for a tiny party, but this year, she went travelling with her mates to korean...the land full of handsome korean actors...
Yahui, another of my best friend needs to spend her lovely christmas with God and her newly wed husband....
And so...this christmas is ending soon in half an hour's time.
Peaceful and quiet for me.
Monday, December 25, 2006
My boss...
As usual, if you sent one letter to her...
She will sent you 3 or more...
She likes to flood people with words...
This time, I was in the wrong.
I have nothing to say...and so, whatever she says...
I just have to swallow...even if she digs out all the old scores...
This time...she wins.
My fate.
She will sent you 3 or more...
She likes to flood people with words...
This time, I was in the wrong.
I have nothing to say...and so, whatever she says...
I just have to swallow...even if she digs out all the old scores...
This time...she wins.
My fate.
Letter of apology
After learning how to write a proper resignation letter just a few weeks ago...
I had to write letter of apology this time to apologise for that day being super late.
It was my fault and so I have nothing to say except for being sorry.
And so, the case is closed.
Life goes on...
I had to write letter of apology this time to apologise for that day being super late.
It was my fault and so I have nothing to say except for being sorry.
And so, the case is closed.
Life goes on...
What the !??!?
15th December 2006.
I woke up.
Look at the clock on my mobile phone...
9.05am
Hmm....
Am I dreaming...I ask myself...
9.05am...
9.05am...
WHAT!...
9.05am!!!!
I have class at 9.oo am !!!!!
And I am still in bed at 9.05am
SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!!!
I am LATE!...VERY VERY LATE!
5 students and their parents waiting for me....in the tution centre at Tiong Bahru and I live in Sembawang....
I shut my eyes for 1 second and hope that when i open my eyes again...
it was a dream...
But no.
I call my colleague immediately....call the tution centre....call my supervisor...
The biggest problem is...there will be no one in the centre to look after the kids...I have the responsible to look after them...
I will be in HUGE trouble...
Worst...I am already in SHIT terms with my boss...with this...she is going to slam me...
Rush down and try to get a cab...but the road is DEAD....no taxi...not even a vehicle...
15 minutes later...finally on a cab...beg the taxi driver to drive faster...
my supervisor is on her top...and say I should have call her earlier unless i just woke up....and i told her "I just woke up"...
she went speechless.
The taxi driver was speeding at 120km/hour and was constantly telling me to help him look out of traffice police on the road...
I was at a state of void...and I knew...I will be in big trouble.
Feeling miserable....
This is one of my worst day in 2006....
Being late, is not something new to me...
but this time...
almost stop my heartbeat.
Feeling terrible for the rest of the day....
And made my life terrible for the rest of my last working week...
I woke up.
Look at the clock on my mobile phone...
9.05am
Hmm....
Am I dreaming...I ask myself...
9.05am...
9.05am...
WHAT!...
9.05am!!!!
I have class at 9.oo am !!!!!
And I am still in bed at 9.05am
SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!!!
I am LATE!...VERY VERY LATE!
5 students and their parents waiting for me....in the tution centre at Tiong Bahru and I live in Sembawang....
I shut my eyes for 1 second and hope that when i open my eyes again...
it was a dream...
But no.
I call my colleague immediately....call the tution centre....call my supervisor...
The biggest problem is...there will be no one in the centre to look after the kids...I have the responsible to look after them...
I will be in HUGE trouble...
Worst...I am already in SHIT terms with my boss...with this...she is going to slam me...
Rush down and try to get a cab...but the road is DEAD....no taxi...not even a vehicle...
15 minutes later...finally on a cab...beg the taxi driver to drive faster...
my supervisor is on her top...and say I should have call her earlier unless i just woke up....and i told her "I just woke up"...
she went speechless.
The taxi driver was speeding at 120km/hour and was constantly telling me to help him look out of traffice police on the road...
I was at a state of void...and I knew...I will be in big trouble.
Feeling miserable....
This is one of my worst day in 2006....
Being late, is not something new to me...
but this time...
almost stop my heartbeat.
Feeling terrible for the rest of the day....
And made my life terrible for the rest of my last working week...
Phew...
Time to write again.
It has been weeks...since I write.
I was huanted by my job over the past few weeks...
particularly...
my boss.
The job itself is pretty interesting, when it comes to interacting with children...
The last week of my job is exceptionally tormentful...and I have been counting down...day by day...
I was miserable to a point that I had nightmares and couldn't sleep well...
The first thing I do after my last assignment...was to GO STRAIGHT HOME AND SLEEP.
Ahh...peace and joy...
Life...
Sunshine after rain...
It has been weeks...since I write.
I was huanted by my job over the past few weeks...
particularly...
my boss.
The job itself is pretty interesting, when it comes to interacting with children...
The last week of my job is exceptionally tormentful...and I have been counting down...day by day...
I was miserable to a point that I had nightmares and couldn't sleep well...
The first thing I do after my last assignment...was to GO STRAIGHT HOME AND SLEEP.
Ahh...peace and joy...
Life...
Sunshine after rain...
Friday, December 01, 2006
Resignation Notice
We learn something everyday.
Yesterday, I learn how to write a formal resignation letter.
Yesterday, I learn how to write a formal resignation letter.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
What's this?
I have notice a lump on my wrist recently.
It happens suddenly as far as I can rememeber.
It was a weird lump that is painful only when I press it on a certain angle.
Other than that, it was just a lump.
Initially, I thought it was a dislocation or fracture, yet it was not so painful until I need any treatment.
I ignore for about a week, until my imaginations starts to run wild.
What if it is an alien hand growing out of my wrist?
What if it is cancerous?
What if it is a broken bone, infected?
What if...what if..what if...
What in the world is this?
It feels like a bone, yet not hard enough, but definitely not a growth as it was quite hard for a growth.
I went to a doctor in the end.
It was a ganglion.
Erm...ok...and so what is ganglion?
(http://www.med.und.nodak.edu/users/jwhiting/gangdef.html)
Definition: The ganglion cyst (also known as a wrist cyst, Bible cyst, or dorsal tendon cyst) is the most common soft tissue mass of the hand. It is a fluid filled sac which can be felt below the skin. It is usually attached to a tendon sheath (lining which lubricates the tendon) in the hand or wrist or connected with an underlying joint; however, some have no obvious connection to any structures. These may also occur in the foot. It often occurs when there is a tear in the ligaments overlying the lining of tendons or joints and the lining herniates out of the ligamentous defect causing a bump under the skin. Because there is often inflammation associated, the inflamed tissue produces a jelly-like fluid which fills the protruding sac. They may be rock hard due to a high pressure of the mucous like fluid contained within the cyst, and are often mistaken for a bony prominence.
(http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/BHCV2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Cysts_ganglion_cysts?OpenDocument)
Ganglion cysts used to be treated by slamming them with a heavy book such as a Bible - which explains the term 'Bible therapy'. This isn't a good idea, as you could cause further injury. Medical treatment options include:
Close monitoring - if the ganglion cyst isn't causing pain or interfering with movement, some doctors prefer to wait and see. The cyst may simply disappear on its own. ( good news! 30% of cases disappear on it's own!!!Yeah!)
Needle aspiration - one of the tests to diagnose ganglion cysts involves drawing off the fluid with a fine needle. In many cases (around 75 per cent), this treatment empties the cyst and no further action is needed.
Surgery - the cyst or cysts are surgically removed, usually by a specialist such as an orthopaedic surgeon. Ganglion cysts of the feet will usually require surgery.
And so...my doctor says, I should go home and observe it. It will requires attention if it grows bigger and affect daily activities...
I guess if I won't die from it, I am fine. Though it was a little painful sometimes, which means it could be pressing on some nerves, I think I can still live with it for now.
Fingers cross....
It happens suddenly as far as I can rememeber.
It was a weird lump that is painful only when I press it on a certain angle.
Other than that, it was just a lump.
Initially, I thought it was a dislocation or fracture, yet it was not so painful until I need any treatment.
I ignore for about a week, until my imaginations starts to run wild.
What if it is an alien hand growing out of my wrist?
What if it is cancerous?
What if it is a broken bone, infected?
What if...what if..what if...
What in the world is this?
It feels like a bone, yet not hard enough, but definitely not a growth as it was quite hard for a growth.
I went to a doctor in the end.
It was a ganglion.
Erm...ok...and so what is ganglion?
(http://www.med.und.nodak.edu/users/jwhiting/gangdef.html)
Definition: The ganglion cyst (also known as a wrist cyst, Bible cyst, or dorsal tendon cyst) is the most common soft tissue mass of the hand. It is a fluid filled sac which can be felt below the skin. It is usually attached to a tendon sheath (lining which lubricates the tendon) in the hand or wrist or connected with an underlying joint; however, some have no obvious connection to any structures. These may also occur in the foot. It often occurs when there is a tear in the ligaments overlying the lining of tendons or joints and the lining herniates out of the ligamentous defect causing a bump under the skin. Because there is often inflammation associated, the inflamed tissue produces a jelly-like fluid which fills the protruding sac. They may be rock hard due to a high pressure of the mucous like fluid contained within the cyst, and are often mistaken for a bony prominence.
(http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/BHCV2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Cysts_ganglion_cysts?OpenDocument)
Ganglion cysts used to be treated by slamming them with a heavy book such as a Bible - which explains the term 'Bible therapy'. This isn't a good idea, as you could cause further injury. Medical treatment options include:
Close monitoring - if the ganglion cyst isn't causing pain or interfering with movement, some doctors prefer to wait and see. The cyst may simply disappear on its own. ( good news! 30% of cases disappear on it's own!!!Yeah!)
Needle aspiration - one of the tests to diagnose ganglion cysts involves drawing off the fluid with a fine needle. In many cases (around 75 per cent), this treatment empties the cyst and no further action is needed.
Surgery - the cyst or cysts are surgically removed, usually by a specialist such as an orthopaedic surgeon. Ganglion cysts of the feet will usually require surgery.
And so...my doctor says, I should go home and observe it. It will requires attention if it grows bigger and affect daily activities...
I guess if I won't die from it, I am fine. Though it was a little painful sometimes, which means it could be pressing on some nerves, I think I can still live with it for now.
Fingers cross....
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Really following up...
Yes...an update on my job. There hasn't been any update not because nothing happen but because there isn't a proper day off for me to sit down and type. So tired that I only want to sleep when I reach home.
Schedules and duties keep changing last minute, badly coordinated, and we have to travel to remote venues carrying big bulky and sometimes heavy material and the most annoying part...no travel expenses given and cannot be claimed.
Off days are like the biggest mystery for everybody...we just don't know if we are ever getting one, we either DEMAND FOR IT...or for some, just resort to getting an MC and skip work. Which worsen the matter as for those who still comes to work will end up with yet another last minute assignment.
Bad planning. Classes are schedule in venues without proper planning. End up with 3 classes running at the same time in the same studio. I have to move my student into the work office for his workshop.
Finally the worst of all, the boss. She did it all the time. 6pm our official knock off time...she will choose to arrive in office at 5.45pm and grab people to do things or discuss work matter. She can call people at 10am on Sunday morning to ask about unimportant work matters on people's off days. She didn't realise people has private life. She didn't realise she hired the wrong people to do the wrong job...she hires a childcare expert to do admin work and telemarketing. She hires an interior designer to do logistics, hires a sculptor to do coordinating and logistics...She exhausted man-power to do loads of marketing and programme developments...BUT...fails to see the importance of actually delivering a solid programme. She just wants to make money. There is nothing wrong, she is running a business...but to me...it is art...not some mass produce product. I feel sad. She is doing a business afterall, I understand, but for me, I cannot agree.
Sometimes, I wonder if I am the only one who cannot stand her working style. Maybe it is me, my fault that I cannot stand her...But after today, I am convince the problem is with her and not me... She called the office and announce that she is arriving soon at 5.45pm....four of us...heard the announcement, rushed to packed up, and head for the door...we have to resort to sneakingly use the emergency exit stairway in attempt to avoid seeing her at the lift.
Last week...one colleague officially left the company, while the other tender her resignation and works until the 22nd Dec who has been counting down already for her last day...
This week, one tender her resignation yesterday, another today...
Tomorrow, it will be me.
Schedules and duties keep changing last minute, badly coordinated, and we have to travel to remote venues carrying big bulky and sometimes heavy material and the most annoying part...no travel expenses given and cannot be claimed.
Off days are like the biggest mystery for everybody...we just don't know if we are ever getting one, we either DEMAND FOR IT...or for some, just resort to getting an MC and skip work. Which worsen the matter as for those who still comes to work will end up with yet another last minute assignment.
Bad planning. Classes are schedule in venues without proper planning. End up with 3 classes running at the same time in the same studio. I have to move my student into the work office for his workshop.
Finally the worst of all, the boss. She did it all the time. 6pm our official knock off time...she will choose to arrive in office at 5.45pm and grab people to do things or discuss work matter. She can call people at 10am on Sunday morning to ask about unimportant work matters on people's off days. She didn't realise people has private life. She didn't realise she hired the wrong people to do the wrong job...she hires a childcare expert to do admin work and telemarketing. She hires an interior designer to do logistics, hires a sculptor to do coordinating and logistics...She exhausted man-power to do loads of marketing and programme developments...BUT...fails to see the importance of actually delivering a solid programme. She just wants to make money. There is nothing wrong, she is running a business...but to me...it is art...not some mass produce product. I feel sad. She is doing a business afterall, I understand, but for me, I cannot agree.
Sometimes, I wonder if I am the only one who cannot stand her working style. Maybe it is me, my fault that I cannot stand her...But after today, I am convince the problem is with her and not me... She called the office and announce that she is arriving soon at 5.45pm....four of us...heard the announcement, rushed to packed up, and head for the door...we have to resort to sneakingly use the emergency exit stairway in attempt to avoid seeing her at the lift.
Last week...one colleague officially left the company, while the other tender her resignation and works until the 22nd Dec who has been counting down already for her last day...
This week, one tender her resignation yesterday, another today...
Tomorrow, it will be me.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Follow up...
My apology for not following up my job progress...
It was due to the fact that I was utterly exhausted after my work everyday.
Mentally and physically.
It was simply draining...felt like a sugarcane totally squashed....
I have been wondering if it was only me who cannot stand this boss...and the kind of work...in the end...I realise...everybody is tempted to quit...
and all are just waiting for the right time...
I better be the first, so that I can move on...but still...I need to wait for the right time...regardless how I hate this job, I need to be responsible for my job...
The very last time I was pissed off, was when my boss sent me an email and tell me, she had paid me more than the rest her staff, and she wants me to justify my worth...she also sent me an email and ask me to list down the stuff I am suppose to do, to show her...
Well...maybe she thinks she overpaid me...and I wasn't working hard enough for the money she paid...while I am totally exhausted.
If she is reading... Dear boss, I earn more waitressing in a restaurant than working for you.
Pissed off.
It was due to the fact that I was utterly exhausted after my work everyday.
Mentally and physically.
It was simply draining...felt like a sugarcane totally squashed....
I have been wondering if it was only me who cannot stand this boss...and the kind of work...in the end...I realise...everybody is tempted to quit...
and all are just waiting for the right time...
I better be the first, so that I can move on...but still...I need to wait for the right time...regardless how I hate this job, I need to be responsible for my job...
The very last time I was pissed off, was when my boss sent me an email and tell me, she had paid me more than the rest her staff, and she wants me to justify my worth...she also sent me an email and ask me to list down the stuff I am suppose to do, to show her...
Well...maybe she thinks she overpaid me...and I wasn't working hard enough for the money she paid...while I am totally exhausted.
If she is reading... Dear boss, I earn more waitressing in a restaurant than working for you.
Pissed off.
Girl's best friend
Diamond???...
Nah.....it's shoes.
Went shopping with colleagues yesterday and end up buying 3 pairs of shoes...feeling rather guilty and sinful because I am always proud of my own thriftiness....I dig my brian for excuses why it was alright to buy these 3 pairs of shoes...
My conclusion was... next time no matter what my friends say...I should only buy those I really am willing to without feeling guilty....and now I am guilty.
It is not as if I have bought something I dun like, but I have spent money on things that I shouldn't. I do like all of the 3 pairs, but I really am guilty. Because, usually I will only buy something if it qualify my stringent criteria and make sure it is worth spending my hard-earn money.
First, comfort level.
Second, preference.
Third,affordability.
Fourth, durability.
Above was my criteria for buying shoes.
This time, 2 of the pairs were bought becos my friends likes them more than me. They are really nice shoes. But I feel the pinch.
Something must be wrong somewhere...and it is the comfort level.
Those 2 pairs, were wrong becos of the comfort level.
While the pair that I really like...was detest by my friends...they simply think that the one and only pair which I think is most worthy...was the only pair I shouldn't buy...
In the end...I buy all 3 pair.
Feeling rather guilty and sinful, I have decided to make sure that all 3 pair is well worn and worth every cent. I am going to wear them until they fall apart...
Shoes...how can any women live without...
Nah.....it's shoes.
Went shopping with colleagues yesterday and end up buying 3 pairs of shoes...feeling rather guilty and sinful because I am always proud of my own thriftiness....I dig my brian for excuses why it was alright to buy these 3 pairs of shoes...
My conclusion was... next time no matter what my friends say...I should only buy those I really am willing to without feeling guilty....and now I am guilty.
It is not as if I have bought something I dun like, but I have spent money on things that I shouldn't. I do like all of the 3 pairs, but I really am guilty. Because, usually I will only buy something if it qualify my stringent criteria and make sure it is worth spending my hard-earn money.
First, comfort level.
Second, preference.
Third,affordability.
Fourth, durability.
Above was my criteria for buying shoes.
This time, 2 of the pairs were bought becos my friends likes them more than me. They are really nice shoes. But I feel the pinch.
Something must be wrong somewhere...and it is the comfort level.
Those 2 pairs, were wrong becos of the comfort level.
While the pair that I really like...was detest by my friends...they simply think that the one and only pair which I think is most worthy...was the only pair I shouldn't buy...
In the end...I buy all 3 pair.
Feeling rather guilty and sinful, I have decided to make sure that all 3 pair is well worn and worth every cent. I am going to wear them until they fall apart...
Shoes...how can any women live without...
Friday, November 03, 2006
OFF DAY
Today is my lovely off day.
But not lovely when i have loads of lessons plan to hand up by tomorrow.
Off day...I spend my whole day doing office work...
Pissed.
But not lovely when i have loads of lessons plan to hand up by tomorrow.
Off day...I spend my whole day doing office work...
Pissed.
Thursday...
Sianz...
I knew the painting lessons is going to be super boring..
And it is going to scare them off.
I told my boss this will not work.
But she insist on doing things her way.
It is not as if I never make my point clear, I show her my doubt.
I voice my doubt.
I tried my best.
I was slammed.
No one is standing on my side upfront...they just kept quiet...
Let her be.
She is the boss.
And true enough...the students are freak off by the boredness
I am not guilty..and I appreciate their feedback..
SO THAT I CAN BOMB MY BOSS WITH THEIR FEEDBACK.
Of course my teaching can be more interesting.
I hope.
I am actually angry also that I was put in a spot whereby the boss has her own ideal of how art should be teached...
and what the student wants...
I am no longer interestinged in upholding my own stand...
This is NOT MY ART...
BUT ONLY A JOB TO ME NOW...
Time to end it.
I knew the painting lessons is going to be super boring..
And it is going to scare them off.
I told my boss this will not work.
But she insist on doing things her way.
It is not as if I never make my point clear, I show her my doubt.
I voice my doubt.
I tried my best.
I was slammed.
No one is standing on my side upfront...they just kept quiet...
Let her be.
She is the boss.
And true enough...the students are freak off by the boredness
I am not guilty..and I appreciate their feedback..
SO THAT I CAN BOMB MY BOSS WITH THEIR FEEDBACK.
Of course my teaching can be more interesting.
I hope.
I am actually angry also that I was put in a spot whereby the boss has her own ideal of how art should be teached...
and what the student wants...
I am no longer interestinged in upholding my own stand...
This is NOT MY ART...
BUT ONLY A JOB TO ME NOW...
Time to end it.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Nightmare begins...
Today is a very efficient day.
BECOS THE BOSS IS NOT IN FRONT OF HER COMPUTER bombing people with emails.
And so...I was left in peace to finally do my official job. Lesson planning.
All goes well...until she step into the office at around 4pm.
Meeting starts...
Nightmare begins.
BECOS THE BOSS IS NOT IN FRONT OF HER COMPUTER bombing people with emails.
And so...I was left in peace to finally do my official job. Lesson planning.
All goes well...until she step into the office at around 4pm.
Meeting starts...
Nightmare begins.
WHY AM I HERE DOING THIS??!!!
First thing in the morning...I turn on the computer and search for a resignation template...YES...I want to quit..or at least getting ready.
Today, I spent the whole day...doing things I hate the most in my life.
I spent more than 7 hours sitting in front of the computer trying to figure out how to run EXCEL...I was told to do logistic for the saturday assignment I got.
WHY AM I SITTING HERE DOING THIS?..
I ask myself.
I know there are millions of people doing this everyday...
and they will probably laugh at me...for not knowing how to operate EXCEL program....
The reason why I choose to do art, other than passsion...is also because I do not want to spend my life doing a 9 to 5....doing admin work.
Not that it is something wrong...but it is something that will bring me to tears...and makes me feel miserable from head to toe.
And here I am...hired as an art teacher...BUT SPEND MY WHOLE DAY....doing this. Bearing in mind I still have loads of lesson plans and other stuff to complete.
WHY AM I HERE DOING THIS??!!!
I was pulling my hair...and freaking out ...
After endless fruitless communication online emailing her to and fro...
It was to my greatest embarrassment to finally find out...it was my fault that I do not understand her instruction...
YES. MY FAULT FOR NOT KNOWING HOW TO RUN EXCEL.
And so...the resignation template I found online earlier in the day...was saved and carefully hidden in my thumb drive....
TODAY IS NOT THE RIGHT DAY.
There will be.
Today, I spent the whole day...doing things I hate the most in my life.
I spent more than 7 hours sitting in front of the computer trying to figure out how to run EXCEL...I was told to do logistic for the saturday assignment I got.
WHY AM I SITTING HERE DOING THIS?..
I ask myself.
I know there are millions of people doing this everyday...
and they will probably laugh at me...for not knowing how to operate EXCEL program....
The reason why I choose to do art, other than passsion...is also because I do not want to spend my life doing a 9 to 5....doing admin work.
Not that it is something wrong...but it is something that will bring me to tears...and makes me feel miserable from head to toe.
And here I am...hired as an art teacher...BUT SPEND MY WHOLE DAY....doing this. Bearing in mind I still have loads of lesson plans and other stuff to complete.
WHY AM I HERE DOING THIS??!!!
I was pulling my hair...and freaking out ...
After endless fruitless communication online emailing her to and fro...
It was to my greatest embarrassment to finally find out...it was my fault that I do not understand her instruction...
YES. MY FAULT FOR NOT KNOWING HOW TO RUN EXCEL.
And so...the resignation template I found online earlier in the day...was saved and carefully hidden in my thumb drive....
TODAY IS NOT THE RIGHT DAY.
There will be.
Sunday...
Today was my lovely off day.
I was warned by my colleague not to check my emails in case it spoils my off day mood...
I should have listen to her advice.
Too late.
I was warned by my colleague not to check my emails in case it spoils my off day mood...
I should have listen to her advice.
Too late.
This is only the third day...
I was really pleased by the fact that I do not hold the office key.
Therefore, I was excused for the morning to work...as no one is in the office.I was told to report work at 2pm.
HAppy, I set my alarm to 9.30am the day before.
That was the time I was suppose to report work usually.
But today...I can sleep until 9.30am.
Feeling please...
I really slept well.
9.30am.
My mobile starts to make noise.
I switch it off...thinking it was my alarm...
2 seconds later, it started to make noise again...
Sensing something not right...SHIT!!!>>I jump off my bed...and realise...THAT WAS MY PHONE RINGING!!! AND NOT MY ALARM....(becos I set different tone for incoming calls and alarm.)
It was my boss.
9.30am...exactly.
She probably has been waiting for the clock to struck 9.30am to call me.
First thing in the morning...and I am pissed.
I was told to sit-in a painting class and do logistic for the class....
Blah blah....
Life...
While you think you can get away for the day and skive...
The BOSS IS THERE...WATCHING!
This is only the third day...
Therefore, I was excused for the morning to work...as no one is in the office.I was told to report work at 2pm.
HAppy, I set my alarm to 9.30am the day before.
That was the time I was suppose to report work usually.
But today...I can sleep until 9.30am.
Feeling please...
I really slept well.
9.30am.
My mobile starts to make noise.
I switch it off...thinking it was my alarm...
2 seconds later, it started to make noise again...
Sensing something not right...SHIT!!!>>I jump off my bed...and realise...THAT WAS MY PHONE RINGING!!! AND NOT MY ALARM....(becos I set different tone for incoming calls and alarm.)
It was my boss.
9.30am...exactly.
She probably has been waiting for the clock to struck 9.30am to call me.
First thing in the morning...and I am pissed.
I was told to sit-in a painting class and do logistic for the class....
Blah blah....
Life...
While you think you can get away for the day and skive...
The BOSS IS THERE...WATCHING!
This is only the third day...
I wonder how many emails my boss sent out in a day...
Ahh...I am so sure the 2nd day will be better..after a good night sleep.
But but...
I wonder how many emails my boss sent out in a day...
My mailbox is flooded with her emails....to give a rough figure...
I receive more than 25 emails at the end of the day from her...
And as far as I know...this happens to all the rest of my 7 colleagues..
So what's new today? My boss propose to start a painting class and I will start this lesson this Thursday...,, interesting??..NO...I still haven't finish my lesson plan and now I have a new class to run...
The only happy thing today was the completion of ONE lesson plan...
this is nothing to be proud of...as there is 5 more to go..plus all the unknown from my boss....who know what she will bomb me the next minute...
For the first time in my life, I do not look forward to receive emails.
2nd day ends.
I survive.
But but...
I wonder how many emails my boss sent out in a day...
My mailbox is flooded with her emails....to give a rough figure...
I receive more than 25 emails at the end of the day from her...
And as far as I know...this happens to all the rest of my 7 colleagues..
So what's new today? My boss propose to start a painting class and I will start this lesson this Thursday...,, interesting??..NO...I still haven't finish my lesson plan and now I have a new class to run...
The only happy thing today was the completion of ONE lesson plan...
this is nothing to be proud of...as there is 5 more to go..plus all the unknown from my boss....who know what she will bomb me the next minute...
For the first time in my life, I do not look forward to receive emails.
2nd day ends.
I survive.
Day 1
The first day of work is like being wash away by Tsunami.
Confused, and worse still, the person who is suppose to be "take care " of us...broke her ankle and is on medical leave for the next one week.
Me..and another girl who is as new as me....start to help around doing admin. job and at the same time trying do researches on the lesson plan we are assigned to work on.
And so, I was given task and deadlines to finish up lessons plans by next week and was hint by the boss that MORE will come.
Lunch is with the boss. Quite a generous affair...which I have a bad feeling this is not going to be an easy job...
Phone rings all the time...emails popping up everytime you refresh the page...
That was first day...even before I figure out what was going on...
It ended.
Confused, and worse still, the person who is suppose to be "take care " of us...broke her ankle and is on medical leave for the next one week.
Me..and another girl who is as new as me....start to help around doing admin. job and at the same time trying do researches on the lesson plan we are assigned to work on.
And so, I was given task and deadlines to finish up lessons plans by next week and was hint by the boss that MORE will come.
Lunch is with the boss. Quite a generous affair...which I have a bad feeling this is not going to be an easy job...
Phone rings all the time...emails popping up everytime you refresh the page...
That was first day...even before I figure out what was going on...
It ended.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Help!
I have a feeling my laptop is going to crush!
AND I AM GOING TO BACK UP!
BUT F**K!...no spare disk or back up storage...
I hope the next time I log on my laptop it is still kicking...
Meanwhile I have tried my best to upload some of my stuff online...
to reduce casualties...
GOD!!!...if there is...Please help me.
AND I AM GOING TO BACK UP!
BUT F**K!...no spare disk or back up storage...
I hope the next time I log on my laptop it is still kicking...
Meanwhile I have tried my best to upload some of my stuff online...
to reduce casualties...
GOD!!!...if there is...Please help me.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
A little news...
I am going to start my new job tomorrow...
Who knows what is ahead of me...but I do hope...it will be beautiful...
My life...
It always is.
I just have to grasp it.
Who knows what is ahead of me...but I do hope...it will be beautiful...
My life...
It always is.
I just have to grasp it.
I was walking home awhile ago...
Yes...I was walking home a while ago...thinking about the movie I have watch 4 hours ago...
A good movie...is one I will talk about even after a few hours or days after watching....
A bad one sometimes get the same definition...If it is SOooo bad that I have to keep critisizing it.....
Of course, this one today is a good one. Becos of the ruthlessness in it.
It has a brilliant double twist. MAgic and science....
Beautiful.
I like this show...
"The Prestige"
Please go watch it everybody.
Worth it.
As your movie critic today....
I wish you all...a beautiful day...
Strangecloud
A good movie...is one I will talk about even after a few hours or days after watching....
A bad one sometimes get the same definition...If it is SOooo bad that I have to keep critisizing it.....
Of course, this one today is a good one. Becos of the ruthlessness in it.
It has a brilliant double twist. MAgic and science....
Beautiful.
I like this show...
"The Prestige"
Please go watch it everybody.
Worth it.
As your movie critic today....
I wish you all...a beautiful day...
Strangecloud
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
My reply to a friend's comment.
The following is from the comments of my previous blog entry "The bestman"
"A friend. said...
Everyone is meant to die but not everyone to live. If you keep following other people's bullshit you will loose your self once more. Try to find your own best-man. Choose and not be chosen. It will start with a kiss… "
2:48 PM
strangecloud said... (This is me replying)
I guess different people sees things differently....perhaps I sound as if I am following people's bullshit...but..my dear friend...you fail to see the romantic side of the situation....I was trying to be romantic...about the whole issue...and most importantly...it is not about choosing or being chosen..., it is about...whether we have feelings for each other or not. To choose ....sounds as if whoever i choose is going to love me as much as i love him...this being naive...don't you think?...I did choose before...not as if I never. But it was the worst choice I have ever made. BEing the one to make the choice is NOT NECCESSARY ALWAYS A GOOD THING!..This is a lesson for you to learn about life, if you haven't realise. Life is beautiful and you don't always have to make choices...sometimes...it just comes to you.
5:06 AM
"A friend. said...
Everyone is meant to die but not everyone to live. If you keep following other people's bullshit you will loose your self once more. Try to find your own best-man. Choose and not be chosen. It will start with a kiss… "
2:48 PM
strangecloud said... (This is me replying)
I guess different people sees things differently....perhaps I sound as if I am following people's bullshit...but..my dear friend...you fail to see the romantic side of the situation....I was trying to be romantic...about the whole issue...and most importantly...it is not about choosing or being chosen..., it is about...whether we have feelings for each other or not. To choose ....sounds as if whoever i choose is going to love me as much as i love him...this being naive...don't you think?...I did choose before...not as if I never. But it was the worst choice I have ever made. BEing the one to make the choice is NOT NECCESSARY ALWAYS A GOOD THING!..This is a lesson for you to learn about life, if you haven't realise. Life is beautiful and you don't always have to make choices...sometimes...it just comes to you.
5:06 AM
Sunday, October 15, 2006
The bestman
Who else can be called the bestman....other than the groom's bestfriend.
Yes.
He is the bestman.
Yahui was married off yesterday in a joyous mood...while me, the bride'smaid.....notice the bestman for the day....rather interesting fact about him was...he is still single and available.
YET, this man...is a NO-GO for me.
*disappointed*
I actually knew the existent of this man 3 years ago...
And it was yahui's idea to matchmake me with the bestman so that the 4 of us...can go out together...unfortunately...we are simply not fated to meet...for a couple of times..either I was too busy...or have sudden assignments....that I couldn't join them...or the bestman...was too busy and couldn't join us...
We somehow...never meet.
Then, I was off to glasgow...for 2 and a half years....
While the bestman...was of for national service for 2 and a half years....
Finally I was back......and last week during the church rehersal...I finally met this man. The bestman of cos.
After some cheeky discussion with yahui about the prospect of me and the bestman....she conclude that the bestman is not suitable for me.
She says...he will not consider me.
BECOS...I AM NOT A CHRISTIAN.
hmmm....after so many brilliant invention created by man to enhances communication and break barriers....human beings contradict themselves by creating barriers at the same time...
And so...I resign my fate to the fact that this man is not meant for me...
unless he manage to convert me...(which is not likely)...or I convert him...(which is not likely too)...OR...we respect each other becos of love...which haven't happen YET.
Then I told yahui..."perhaps...we are just fated to meet yet not fated to be together...( just to take note...we only know each other for 3 days only...and haven't spoken more than 10 words probably...no signs showing the bestman interest for me...while I do steal glances of him ocassionally out of curiosity for 3 years..)
I told yahui..."既然是有缘无份,那就下辈子吧"...(which means..since we are fated to be meet yet not fated to be together..perhaps in our next life...)...and yahui said the most cruel words to me ...
She said..."我们christian没有下辈子" ( we christian dun have next life)
OHHHHH.....of cos....christian goes to heaven...and non-christian like me...reincarnates to our next life...
which means....我们连下辈子都没有...(we dun even have next life to meet...I have though...he dun)
And so...yahui totally cut off all hopes and possibility for me.
This bestman...is really not bad...
But TOO BAD...for us...we don't even have a chance...not even in our next life...
We will be too far away from each other by then...
How far?..
He will be in heaven, while I will still be on earth...
Heaven and earth...that far.
Hmmm.....if that's the case...
NEXT PLEASE.
Yes.
He is the bestman.
Yahui was married off yesterday in a joyous mood...while me, the bride'smaid.....notice the bestman for the day....rather interesting fact about him was...he is still single and available.
YET, this man...is a NO-GO for me.
*disappointed*
I actually knew the existent of this man 3 years ago...
And it was yahui's idea to matchmake me with the bestman so that the 4 of us...can go out together...unfortunately...we are simply not fated to meet...for a couple of times..either I was too busy...or have sudden assignments....that I couldn't join them...or the bestman...was too busy and couldn't join us...
We somehow...never meet.
Then, I was off to glasgow...for 2 and a half years....
While the bestman...was of for national service for 2 and a half years....
Finally I was back......and last week during the church rehersal...I finally met this man. The bestman of cos.
After some cheeky discussion with yahui about the prospect of me and the bestman....she conclude that the bestman is not suitable for me.
She says...he will not consider me.
BECOS...I AM NOT A CHRISTIAN.
hmmm....after so many brilliant invention created by man to enhances communication and break barriers....human beings contradict themselves by creating barriers at the same time...
And so...I resign my fate to the fact that this man is not meant for me...
unless he manage to convert me...(which is not likely)...or I convert him...(which is not likely too)...OR...we respect each other becos of love...which haven't happen YET.
Then I told yahui..."perhaps...we are just fated to meet yet not fated to be together...( just to take note...we only know each other for 3 days only...and haven't spoken more than 10 words probably...no signs showing the bestman interest for me...while I do steal glances of him ocassionally out of curiosity for 3 years..)
I told yahui..."既然是有缘无份,那就下辈子吧"...(which means..since we are fated to be meet yet not fated to be together..perhaps in our next life...)...and yahui said the most cruel words to me ...
She said..."我们christian没有下辈子" ( we christian dun have next life)
OHHHHH.....of cos....christian goes to heaven...and non-christian like me...reincarnates to our next life...
which means....我们连下辈子都没有...(we dun even have next life to meet...I have though...he dun)
And so...yahui totally cut off all hopes and possibility for me.
This bestman...is really not bad...
But TOO BAD...for us...we don't even have a chance...not even in our next life...
We will be too far away from each other by then...
How far?..
He will be in heaven, while I will still be on earth...
Heaven and earth...that far.
Hmmm.....if that's the case...
NEXT PLEASE.
Cutting hair issue
I dreamt of myself having a new haircut yesterday night...
I have lost count how many times i have dreamt of myself cutting my hair...
The last 3 times...was not so sad compared to the previous ones....
As far as I can remember...there was once...I dreamt that i have a mushroom looking hair style....and i feel strange in my dream...not sad though...probably feeling funny...
Another time...was a short haircut...yet I was actually feeling happy...
Yesterday night...I was telling ruisui...it is time to cut my hair...
and I dreamt that I cut my hair...this time...
I was feeling weird...
I think it is time to cut my hair....for a very long time...I wanted to.
NOw...it is no doubt that I will cut my hair anytime from now on...
The only problem left...
How short...or how long do I want my hair to be....how much to cut....how much not to cut....I have been thinking hard lately....
My only worries...is that...I will lost some of my secret admirers for my long hair...hahaha...they could be more disappointed than I do...if there are any.
HA.
Oh well...I will think about it.
Cut my hair...hmmmm...
It's time.
I have lost count how many times i have dreamt of myself cutting my hair...
The last 3 times...was not so sad compared to the previous ones....
As far as I can remember...there was once...I dreamt that i have a mushroom looking hair style....and i feel strange in my dream...not sad though...probably feeling funny...
Another time...was a short haircut...yet I was actually feeling happy...
Yesterday night...I was telling ruisui...it is time to cut my hair...
and I dreamt that I cut my hair...this time...
I was feeling weird...
I think it is time to cut my hair....for a very long time...I wanted to.
NOw...it is no doubt that I will cut my hair anytime from now on...
The only problem left...
How short...or how long do I want my hair to be....how much to cut....how much not to cut....I have been thinking hard lately....
My only worries...is that...I will lost some of my secret admirers for my long hair...hahaha...they could be more disappointed than I do...if there are any.
HA.
Oh well...I will think about it.
Cut my hair...hmmmm...
It's time.
Lovely day for everybody...
Finally....yahui, my best friend is happily married off to the man who brings out the best in her....
Both of them...are made for each other...
I was so happy and touched...that when she was walking down the ale with her father in the church...I was standing behind her in tears...
I was happy for her...
Wish them all the love and happiness...
Qiyun
Both of them...are made for each other...
I was so happy and touched...that when she was walking down the ale with her father in the church...I was standing behind her in tears...
I was happy for her...
Wish them all the love and happiness...
Qiyun
Monday, October 09, 2006
Congratulation!!!!!
Yesterday was Yanni and Jiun Yang's wedding day....and today is their wedding dinner....
And I am thrilled!....to see them happily married....
So so so happy for them....
I wish them all the love....and a lifelong companionship....
Congratulation...!!!
;)
yun
And I am thrilled!....to see them happily married....
So so so happy for them....
I wish them all the love....and a lifelong companionship....
Congratulation...!!!
;)
yun
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Feeling lousy....
A few years ago....I was crying alone in glasgow becos of this shitty job I did for part time...and since then....no other job is shit enough for me to ever want to quit....
Today...after so many years....
I was glad that I quit this current job that I am doing for part time...
I can't wait till my last day next monday....
This current job was actually a refered job.
This is a branch restaurant from the original restaurant I used to worked for many years...
I was being warned that the manager is eccentric....
It turned out that though the manager is eccentric is some ways...
but He is not as mean as one of my colleague...
And she is the only reason why I cannot force myself to work with in this restaurant anymore....
She do not give people basic human respect.
That is all I want to say for now.
I can't wait until monday...
Everybody....please take care...becos...
Shit happens all the time.
Love you all...
Today...after so many years....
I was glad that I quit this current job that I am doing for part time...
I can't wait till my last day next monday....
This current job was actually a refered job.
This is a branch restaurant from the original restaurant I used to worked for many years...
I was being warned that the manager is eccentric....
It turned out that though the manager is eccentric is some ways...
but He is not as mean as one of my colleague...
And she is the only reason why I cannot force myself to work with in this restaurant anymore....
She do not give people basic human respect.
That is all I want to say for now.
I can't wait until monday...
Everybody....please take care...becos...
Shit happens all the time.
Love you all...
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Mental Equilibrium > Spiritual High
I was chatting online with YQ a few days ago...
And he asked me why I was feeling high...
I told him....
Because my life is back to normal again...
and normal...
means a balanced, self-regulative mind and heart....
My mind and heart loses their power to maintain equilibrium since a year ago...when someone broke my heart...
Time heals....with my heart(and mind) gaining back its original state...
My world back to normal....returns to equilibrium...
Confusing as I sound...."what has balance got to do with feeling high"...
I explained to YQ...
BEing mentally balanced....means everything is well regulated emotionally...
resulting in me feeling spiritually light-weighted...
Hence feeling high....
Mental equilibrium ==>Spiritual High
Get it?
No?...Nevermind.
Yes. Good.
And he asked me why I was feeling high...
I told him....
Because my life is back to normal again...
and normal...
means a balanced, self-regulative mind and heart....
My mind and heart loses their power to maintain equilibrium since a year ago...when someone broke my heart...
Time heals....with my heart(and mind) gaining back its original state...
My world back to normal....returns to equilibrium...
Confusing as I sound...."what has balance got to do with feeling high"...
I explained to YQ...
BEing mentally balanced....means everything is well regulated emotionally...
resulting in me feeling spiritually light-weighted...
Hence feeling high....
Mental equilibrium ==>Spiritual High
Get it?
No?...Nevermind.
Yes. Good.
Thailand In state of EMERGENCY!
China News Asia Headline quote " Troops seize Thai PM's office"...
while Thai Prime Minister is in US attending UN meeting...
He declared Thailand in State of Emergency.
This is the first attempted coup in Thailand since 15 years....
and army chiefs being sacked.
General election initially scedule to be held in October was already postponed to November after the Hatyai(southern thai city) bombing a few days ago...
Really...I hope for world peace...
Everybody...please take care...
while Thai Prime Minister is in US attending UN meeting...
He declared Thailand in State of Emergency.
This is the first attempted coup in Thailand since 15 years....
and army chiefs being sacked.
General election initially scedule to be held in October was already postponed to November after the Hatyai(southern thai city) bombing a few days ago...
Really...I hope for world peace...
Everybody...please take care...
Monday, September 11, 2006
YES!!! YESSS!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!
Ladies and gentlemen....
I...AM....CONNECTED!!!!!!!
Finally!!!!!
After being stranded in a connectionless home for the past 5 month...
Finally figure out how to get connected by stealing my nanny's grandson network...after numerous trials....and trecherous configuration on my computer...it is not easy...especially for a techno-dumb like me...
Love the cyberworld....
Love being free again!!!!
I am FREE!!!!!
Yipeeee!!!!!
Kiss you all!!!
My cybermates....kiss you alll!
strangecloud
I...AM....CONNECTED!!!!!!!
Finally!!!!!
After being stranded in a connectionless home for the past 5 month...
Finally figure out how to get connected by stealing my nanny's grandson network...after numerous trials....and trecherous configuration on my computer...it is not easy...especially for a techno-dumb like me...
Love the cyberworld....
Love being free again!!!!
I am FREE!!!!!
Yipeeee!!!!!
Kiss you all!!!
My cybermates....kiss you alll!
strangecloud
Friday, September 01, 2006
Feeling high...
Although life is still boring...
My soul is feeling high....
I can make myself happy by a mere silly thought...
And make myself laugh at my own wistful thinking...
One of my korean pop idol is going to be in town this weekend...
He is coming to singapore for a product promotion...
And...he is going to stay in Ritz-carlton...
I beg my manager to let me work this sunday...just to make sure I am walking on the same surface area on earth as my idol...or maybe...we could have breath in the same air in the lobby...
Silly me...but happy.
By the way...i work in Ritz-carlton.
I have been seriously making decisions about my near future...at least for my next 2 and a half year...before the next JCCI scholarship is due...
Should I be working hard for money...or working passionately for art..??
That is my dillema.
Meanwhile...life ...
Boring as usual...but beautiful as always...
No longer feels lonely...
Because love...is in the air...
It's nobody...
It is from within...
Feels high...
Love life.
Strange cloud...happy.
My soul is feeling high....
I can make myself happy by a mere silly thought...
And make myself laugh at my own wistful thinking...
One of my korean pop idol is going to be in town this weekend...
He is coming to singapore for a product promotion...
And...he is going to stay in Ritz-carlton...
I beg my manager to let me work this sunday...just to make sure I am walking on the same surface area on earth as my idol...or maybe...we could have breath in the same air in the lobby...
Silly me...but happy.
By the way...i work in Ritz-carlton.
I have been seriously making decisions about my near future...at least for my next 2 and a half year...before the next JCCI scholarship is due...
Should I be working hard for money...or working passionately for art..??
That is my dillema.
Meanwhile...life ...
Boring as usual...but beautiful as always...
No longer feels lonely...
Because love...is in the air...
It's nobody...
It is from within...
Feels high...
Love life.
Strange cloud...happy.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Happy Gal...
I can feel it in my bone....
I think I am in love again...
Not that I am seeing anyone...
I am secretly in love with somebody...
This time...
This person...I shall carefully admire from far far away...
And that's all...
I dun want to get hurt again...
I will be happy enough.
And ohhh!!!... I got a lovely sun tan last weekend...
This boring life....
I love it.
All the best for those who love me...
Kiss you all... :p
strange cloud
I think I am in love again...
Not that I am seeing anyone...
I am secretly in love with somebody...
This time...
This person...I shall carefully admire from far far away...
And that's all...
I dun want to get hurt again...
I will be happy enough.
And ohhh!!!... I got a lovely sun tan last weekend...
This boring life....
I love it.
All the best for those who love me...
Kiss you all... :p
strange cloud
Monday, July 10, 2006
Dear Anonymous...
"No one will understand how you felt. You wouldn't have understood the feelings of others too. "
I agree.
In fact, I believe i have long concluded this statement long ago....
"You are not me...and I am not you..."...i said something like this in my old entries...
And mentioned that...it doesn't matter if you dun understand...
It is not a matter of understanding ...
It is a matter of RESPECTING people's feeling...
Further more...I did not ask for your understanding....
I was merely expressing my own sadness in my own blog...
Was feeling melancholy for the day...
I was not seeking for people's understanding in the first place...
i was trying to tell myself to be brave...
I do not understand why you have to sound so defensive...
Did I blame you for not understanding me?
I only said..."Thank you but you will not understand, though you meant well."...
This means...I was expressing my UNDERSTANDING THAT YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND!
Whoever you are....
Your comments boils my blood...yet makes me laugh...
"When you are hungry, and there is good food to eat, you will be glad that you can eat it. When you are tired and you have a place to sleep, you will be glad that you can sleep. When you are very much alive, healthy and have a life out there for you, why do you keep looking back, and not look in front?"
I agree tooo.
Yes...when I am hungry....I eat...
Tired i sleep...
Alive...and keep breathing...
And therefore...
when there is happiness...I smile...
SADNESS...I CRY.
I am human.
Are you not??
It is not a mattter of looking forward or backward...
But human beings have feelings...
Have memories...
I can't just delete memories like computer and trash files in bin....
It is there...memories...is part of me...
I was hurt...
I was in pain...
It took me a long time until I can lead a life without crying everyday...
I have been trying so hard to put the past behind...
You probably can do that easily...
But for me...
I cannot just love somebody today...
And suddenly dun love somebody tomolo.
It takes time for sun to set....
For sun to rise....
For earth to obit around the sun...
For a caterpillar to turn butterfly....
Takes time to fall in love...
To realise it suddenly was over...
To feel the pain...and the lost...
To hate...
To forgive...
To let go...
To get over....
To be normal again...
NOBODY wishes to be sad forever....
I am looking forward already...
But what is behind me...will always be behind me....
It is just there...
I want to happy too...
you don't have to understand this...
But at least....Can you respect me.
Respect basic human feelings...
********************************
I was looking at a pimple(acne) scar on my face yesterday....
It was a big black scar...
It reminded me of this pimple a few weeks ago...
It was a painful big pimple...
Then it heal...
very very slowy
I can alway conceal the scar by putting some make up and pretend that the scar is not there....
But the fact is....there is a scar...
The more i hid the sacr...
The more i am conscious of its existence...
So I choose to face the scar ...let it be there...and everyday...
It fades a little bit....
Day by day...
It is still there....but it is fading...
it was no longer too ugly..
And slowly....
I forget that there is a scar on my face....
It doesn't mean I never had a pimple...
I had one...left a scar...it faded...and i get over it...
Occassionally....when i look at my face closely in the mirror to wash my face...
I see a faded scar....
And remembers it....
This is me.
I do not want to pretend I am happy.
Like putting make up on my face...
It will only make myself more consious of the pain....
I do not want to seal up my broken heart and assume there is no true love in this world...
And move on hastily for the sake of moving on...
I want to face my own sadness.
When i am upset or in pain....I cry....
and cry...
and after a good cry...
I will be happy again...
Slowly....
I will cry less and less...
And one day...get over it...
This process may be slow...
But I wanted to believe...
Someone else will cherish my heart one day...
My heart....it has done nothing wrong to love somebody...
*************************************************
Life goes on....
I am glad that I have a cup of soya-milk a few days ago...
Eat some noodles yesterday and was happy...
bake some muffins at a friends house...did not taste very nice but it was a nice try...
Watch world cup finals at Liqi's place and won my bet...
Get my pay check a few weeks ago....
Saw a cute guy in my restaurant a few days ago and had a nice chat...
Yet...was upset...over your comments in my blog....
Angry, to be exact.
Angry with someone anonymous...
whom remind me of him.
You sound just like him.
I was actually happy that someone read my blog.
It feesl good when someone actually bothers to read my blog and post a comment.
I will choose to believe thatyour comments meant well...
And wanted me to be happy...
I wanted to believe people are kind in heart and never wanted to hurt anybody...
I hope I was not being naive again.
****************************************************************************
5 minutes ago....
The fate was sealed...
Italy won...
And France lost...
The cruel penalty kick...
People who fought hard and won rejoices...
People who fight so hard but lost ...cannot help...but cries...
That kind of disappointment....
Somehow...I understand.
************************************
Do have a nice day...
Whoever you are....
Please take care...
I agree.
In fact, I believe i have long concluded this statement long ago....
"You are not me...and I am not you..."...i said something like this in my old entries...
And mentioned that...it doesn't matter if you dun understand...
It is not a matter of understanding ...
It is a matter of RESPECTING people's feeling...
Further more...I did not ask for your understanding....
I was merely expressing my own sadness in my own blog...
Was feeling melancholy for the day...
I was not seeking for people's understanding in the first place...
i was trying to tell myself to be brave...
I do not understand why you have to sound so defensive...
Did I blame you for not understanding me?
I only said..."Thank you but you will not understand, though you meant well."...
This means...I was expressing my UNDERSTANDING THAT YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND!
Whoever you are....
Your comments boils my blood...yet makes me laugh...
"When you are hungry, and there is good food to eat, you will be glad that you can eat it. When you are tired and you have a place to sleep, you will be glad that you can sleep. When you are very much alive, healthy and have a life out there for you, why do you keep looking back, and not look in front?"
I agree tooo.
Yes...when I am hungry....I eat...
Tired i sleep...
Alive...and keep breathing...
And therefore...
when there is happiness...I smile...
SADNESS...I CRY.
I am human.
Are you not??
It is not a mattter of looking forward or backward...
But human beings have feelings...
Have memories...
I can't just delete memories like computer and trash files in bin....
It is there...memories...is part of me...
I was hurt...
I was in pain...
It took me a long time until I can lead a life without crying everyday...
I have been trying so hard to put the past behind...
You probably can do that easily...
But for me...
I cannot just love somebody today...
And suddenly dun love somebody tomolo.
It takes time for sun to set....
For sun to rise....
For earth to obit around the sun...
For a caterpillar to turn butterfly....
Takes time to fall in love...
To realise it suddenly was over...
To feel the pain...and the lost...
To hate...
To forgive...
To let go...
To get over....
To be normal again...
NOBODY wishes to be sad forever....
I am looking forward already...
But what is behind me...will always be behind me....
It is just there...
I want to happy too...
you don't have to understand this...
But at least....Can you respect me.
Respect basic human feelings...
********************************
I was looking at a pimple(acne) scar on my face yesterday....
It was a big black scar...
It reminded me of this pimple a few weeks ago...
It was a painful big pimple...
Then it heal...
very very slowy
I can alway conceal the scar by putting some make up and pretend that the scar is not there....
But the fact is....there is a scar...
The more i hid the sacr...
The more i am conscious of its existence...
So I choose to face the scar ...let it be there...and everyday...
It fades a little bit....
Day by day...
It is still there....but it is fading...
it was no longer too ugly..
And slowly....
I forget that there is a scar on my face....
It doesn't mean I never had a pimple...
I had one...left a scar...it faded...and i get over it...
Occassionally....when i look at my face closely in the mirror to wash my face...
I see a faded scar....
And remembers it....
This is me.
I do not want to pretend I am happy.
Like putting make up on my face...
It will only make myself more consious of the pain....
I do not want to seal up my broken heart and assume there is no true love in this world...
And move on hastily for the sake of moving on...
I want to face my own sadness.
When i am upset or in pain....I cry....
and cry...
and after a good cry...
I will be happy again...
Slowly....
I will cry less and less...
And one day...get over it...
This process may be slow...
But I wanted to believe...
Someone else will cherish my heart one day...
My heart....it has done nothing wrong to love somebody...
*************************************************
Life goes on....
I am glad that I have a cup of soya-milk a few days ago...
Eat some noodles yesterday and was happy...
bake some muffins at a friends house...did not taste very nice but it was a nice try...
Watch world cup finals at Liqi's place and won my bet...
Get my pay check a few weeks ago....
Saw a cute guy in my restaurant a few days ago and had a nice chat...
Yet...was upset...over your comments in my blog....
Angry, to be exact.
Angry with someone anonymous...
whom remind me of him.
You sound just like him.
I was actually happy that someone read my blog.
It feesl good when someone actually bothers to read my blog and post a comment.
I will choose to believe thatyour comments meant well...
And wanted me to be happy...
I wanted to believe people are kind in heart and never wanted to hurt anybody...
I hope I was not being naive again.
****************************************************************************
5 minutes ago....
The fate was sealed...
Italy won...
And France lost...
The cruel penalty kick...
People who fought hard and won rejoices...
People who fight so hard but lost ...cannot help...but cries...
That kind of disappointment....
Somehow...I understand.
************************************
Do have a nice day...
Whoever you are....
Please take care...
Friday, July 07, 2006
Who is this??
I wonder who the anonymous commentor was?...
If you are some friend or passerby. Thank you but you will not understand, though you meant well.
If you are him. There is nothing I want to think about in this "incident"(you call this "incident" and not even a relationship...how sad)...because it will only make me cry...the happier it was when everything is so pure and simple about this love I have in the beginning...the more I am upset...when I realise you take my love for granted. If I were to take this as a lesson in life...then I would have to admit this is a mistake...before I can take this as a lesson to learn...
How ironic...
How sad...
I wished nothing has happen...so that I can still smile at you and say "hi" to you one fine day...
It would be nice.
Maybe I have over-reacted... sorry...it's just that you remind me of him...Thank you for your comment. I really hope you are just a friend or passerby who meant well. Thank you for reading my blog.
Whoever...
Eat well.
Sleep well.
Drink well.
If you smoke...don't smoke too much...it's bad for health and you know this...
Please take care..
All the best.
With love...
chyiyun
If you are some friend or passerby. Thank you but you will not understand, though you meant well.
If you are him. There is nothing I want to think about in this "incident"(you call this "incident" and not even a relationship...how sad)...because it will only make me cry...the happier it was when everything is so pure and simple about this love I have in the beginning...the more I am upset...when I realise you take my love for granted. If I were to take this as a lesson in life...then I would have to admit this is a mistake...before I can take this as a lesson to learn...
How ironic...
How sad...
I wished nothing has happen...so that I can still smile at you and say "hi" to you one fine day...
It would be nice.
Maybe I have over-reacted... sorry...it's just that you remind me of him...Thank you for your comment. I really hope you are just a friend or passerby who meant well. Thank you for reading my blog.
Whoever...
Eat well.
Sleep well.
Drink well.
If you smoke...don't smoke too much...it's bad for health and you know this...
Please take care..
All the best.
With love...
chyiyun
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Angry
I am actually angry with myself that I am still crying over this man...until now...
Not because i still love him...
But because...I am still very hurt everytime i think of him...
so hurt that I will start to cry...
I hate myself for letting this man know my feelings...
i hate myself for giving this man this chance to hurt me this much...
a few days ago....was the day...I fell in love with him a year ago....
I asked myself...why am I so silly.
I shouldn't have believe him...when he said he love me...
How silly...
Will you please stop crying.....
FOR FUCK SAKE!
-------------------------------------------------
Be Brave chyiyun....love life...and life will love you.
Not because i still love him...
But because...I am still very hurt everytime i think of him...
so hurt that I will start to cry...
I hate myself for letting this man know my feelings...
i hate myself for giving this man this chance to hurt me this much...
a few days ago....was the day...I fell in love with him a year ago....
I asked myself...why am I so silly.
I shouldn't have believe him...when he said he love me...
How silly...
Will you please stop crying.....
FOR FUCK SAKE!
-------------------------------------------------
Be Brave chyiyun....love life...and life will love you.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Itchy fingers...needs to blog
It has been a month since my last blog...
Feelings just kept erupting...but with no access to internet these days..
It is driving me mad....
I just need to share my life....anyone....anybody....
I just need to express how I feel...
First of all....about myself recently....
These days...I have been buying things like never before....
To compensate for not buying anything for the past 3 years...
I told myself....
If I dun love myself...no one will anyway...
At least be nice to myself as I have been so hard on myself for the past few years...
And so....my shopping spree...this month while...THE GREAT SINGAPORE SALE....is ON!
I bought a black tube dress 2 weeks ago to attend a wedding dinner...
Bought a red tube top...last week
Realise I look good with tube becos I have lost some weight..and lost those flabby arms...
Bought a yellow halter neck top...bought it becos it is a happy yellow colour...feels happy...
Bought a black v-necked spaghatti strap top...becos it makes me look skinner...
Bought a pink silky halter top a few days ago...intended to wear it on my friend's wedding which I will be her bridesmaid...
Then...bought a nude colour strapless bra yesterday...so that it can go with my pink halter neck top...
Bought a seamless nude colour knickers....so that i dun have those ugly seam line when i wear fitting white pants....
By the way..I am happy to annouce I have lost weight!!!
And things I have yet to buy..but wants to buy....
A silky pink top from ZARA...which is quite expensive...still hesitating...beoos I have already bought a pink top a few days go....but this one seems to be more appropriate...
A white 3/4 cut pants to match the silky top( I was thinking this could be a better combi choice to wear for being the bridesmaid...I dun like to wear dress...plus...no one will look at me anyway...I am not suppose to too beauitful on that day to tseal any limelight...plus...I will be running around for the bride for that whole day i reckon)
A matching white open toe high heel shoes....
Some matching pink or white earrings....
So much for the bridesmaid thingy...
--------------------------------------------
Another news...is my recent interview....
for teaching job....
If I got that job...
I probably will have to start another shopping spree....
for some formal wear...
Probably some basic tailored pants...or skirts...
collared shirts and blouses...some jackets....air-cons in staff rooms are famous for being cold...
Covered toes shoes....
I just hope the dress code is not as strict as I was informed by some of my teaching friends....
As an art teacher....I hope my student can sense my "freedom to express"...
Hopefully...I can be in my slack attire when I am in the art studios....
I really hope...
Anyway....if i got that job...
I probably will move nearer to my work place...
I look forward...
To enjoy solitude again...
Having my own space is something I really need since i left glasgow
------------------------------------------------------
I was in tears again...for a while on the bus just now..
I was thinking....
Maybe i should have hug him tightly instead of hitting him with tears the day he left me...
At least...he will rememeber my love...and not how hurt i was....
Regardless....it would not change anything....
And I will always rememeber the last word he says before he left...
"For fuck sake!"...he says...
I really wish he had said something else...
Watever...it has been so long ago...
I am ok now...
Just ocassionally....I will think of him...
like just now when i was alone on the bus...
It has been a year....since the degree show...
A year has past....
Last year this time...I was so in love...
It was not a choice for me to fall in love...I just fell in love...
Maybe it was not a choice for him to hurt me...yet he hurt me.
Maybe things just happen...FOR NO REASON.
They just happen.
------------------------
For you. Take care.
One day...when you can love someone so dearly that you want to spend the rest of your life with this person...and be responsible for the first time in your life for someone....until then...
...let me know.
I will be happy for you.
Meanwhile. Have a nice life.
If you ever read this.
-----------------------------------------
Oh....I have been following the world cup lately...
Love the swedes...although they are not among the favourites...
I will place my bet on the argentinas....and Spainish....
Brazil seems a bit out of form lately....rather disappointing...
Of course...The german had great avantage on homegrounds...
South korean...how can I not support them...the only asian teams...
and those korean guys....ahh....makes me heart flutter...
Oh oh...and portugal....hmmm...
So much for the commentries...I am no expert...just someone who enjoys the fighting spirit behind a tough match...and admires teams who fight till the very last...of course not to forget to enjoy the games with 22 men running around in sweaty muscle revealing shirts....opps...pardon me for being naughty.
-------------------------------------
My latest obsession apart from drooling at football playing men on TV...and going out for crazy shopping spree..
is baking.
Bought a couple of books on baking ...tried baking cookie at yahui's place last week with her brother, Ah guan
Made choc chip cookie...
and pistachio cookies...
was fun...
this week...I intend to try baking muffins...and cookie with icing and rasins...
Have to discuss with my pastry chef, Ah guan and need to go shopping again for equipment.
Made some investment so far and ...
bought a mixing bowl,
a metal sifter..
baking sheets...
plastic spatulas....
some jelly moulds...
Is planning to buy ....
a muffin try and
a flat cookie tray...
plus some cookie mould....
some metal deorating tip for soft cookie...
and disposible decorating bag...
Looking forward to the next baking session...
------------------------------------------------------
The England and sweden match is starting in 15 minute time...
Need to run to the loo and get my Nachos ready for the game...
Cannot decide who to support....but my heart is with the swedes...
But England team is strong and I like Owen and Rooney....
Whoever....I will cheer as long as it a a game well played...
----------------------------------------
Good night everybody.
Have a nice day.
Thank you for listening.
With love.
:)
Feelings just kept erupting...but with no access to internet these days..
It is driving me mad....
I just need to share my life....anyone....anybody....
I just need to express how I feel...
First of all....about myself recently....
These days...I have been buying things like never before....
To compensate for not buying anything for the past 3 years...
I told myself....
If I dun love myself...no one will anyway...
At least be nice to myself as I have been so hard on myself for the past few years...
And so....my shopping spree...this month while...THE GREAT SINGAPORE SALE....is ON!
I bought a black tube dress 2 weeks ago to attend a wedding dinner...
Bought a red tube top...last week
Realise I look good with tube becos I have lost some weight..and lost those flabby arms...
Bought a yellow halter neck top...bought it becos it is a happy yellow colour...feels happy...
Bought a black v-necked spaghatti strap top...becos it makes me look skinner...
Bought a pink silky halter top a few days ago...intended to wear it on my friend's wedding which I will be her bridesmaid...
Then...bought a nude colour strapless bra yesterday...so that it can go with my pink halter neck top...
Bought a seamless nude colour knickers....so that i dun have those ugly seam line when i wear fitting white pants....
By the way..I am happy to annouce I have lost weight!!!
And things I have yet to buy..but wants to buy....
A silky pink top from ZARA...which is quite expensive...still hesitating...beoos I have already bought a pink top a few days go....but this one seems to be more appropriate...
A white 3/4 cut pants to match the silky top( I was thinking this could be a better combi choice to wear for being the bridesmaid...I dun like to wear dress...plus...no one will look at me anyway...I am not suppose to too beauitful on that day to tseal any limelight...plus...I will be running around for the bride for that whole day i reckon)
A matching white open toe high heel shoes....
Some matching pink or white earrings....
So much for the bridesmaid thingy...
--------------------------------------------
Another news...is my recent interview....
for teaching job....
If I got that job...
I probably will have to start another shopping spree....
for some formal wear...
Probably some basic tailored pants...or skirts...
collared shirts and blouses...some jackets....air-cons in staff rooms are famous for being cold...
Covered toes shoes....
I just hope the dress code is not as strict as I was informed by some of my teaching friends....
As an art teacher....I hope my student can sense my "freedom to express"...
Hopefully...I can be in my slack attire when I am in the art studios....
I really hope...
Anyway....if i got that job...
I probably will move nearer to my work place...
I look forward...
To enjoy solitude again...
Having my own space is something I really need since i left glasgow
------------------------------------------------------
I was in tears again...for a while on the bus just now..
I was thinking....
Maybe i should have hug him tightly instead of hitting him with tears the day he left me...
At least...he will rememeber my love...and not how hurt i was....
Regardless....it would not change anything....
And I will always rememeber the last word he says before he left...
"For fuck sake!"...he says...
I really wish he had said something else...
Watever...it has been so long ago...
I am ok now...
Just ocassionally....I will think of him...
like just now when i was alone on the bus...
It has been a year....since the degree show...
A year has past....
Last year this time...I was so in love...
It was not a choice for me to fall in love...I just fell in love...
Maybe it was not a choice for him to hurt me...yet he hurt me.
Maybe things just happen...FOR NO REASON.
They just happen.
------------------------
For you. Take care.
One day...when you can love someone so dearly that you want to spend the rest of your life with this person...and be responsible for the first time in your life for someone....until then...
...let me know.
I will be happy for you.
Meanwhile. Have a nice life.
If you ever read this.
-----------------------------------------
Oh....I have been following the world cup lately...
Love the swedes...although they are not among the favourites...
I will place my bet on the argentinas....and Spainish....
Brazil seems a bit out of form lately....rather disappointing...
Of course...The german had great avantage on homegrounds...
South korean...how can I not support them...the only asian teams...
and those korean guys....ahh....makes me heart flutter...
Oh oh...and portugal....hmmm...
So much for the commentries...I am no expert...just someone who enjoys the fighting spirit behind a tough match...and admires teams who fight till the very last...of course not to forget to enjoy the games with 22 men running around in sweaty muscle revealing shirts....opps...pardon me for being naughty.
-------------------------------------
My latest obsession apart from drooling at football playing men on TV...and going out for crazy shopping spree..
is baking.
Bought a couple of books on baking ...tried baking cookie at yahui's place last week with her brother, Ah guan
Made choc chip cookie...
and pistachio cookies...
was fun...
this week...I intend to try baking muffins...and cookie with icing and rasins...
Have to discuss with my pastry chef, Ah guan and need to go shopping again for equipment.
Made some investment so far and ...
bought a mixing bowl,
a metal sifter..
baking sheets...
plastic spatulas....
some jelly moulds...
Is planning to buy ....
a muffin try and
a flat cookie tray...
plus some cookie mould....
some metal deorating tip for soft cookie...
and disposible decorating bag...
Looking forward to the next baking session...
------------------------------------------------------
The England and sweden match is starting in 15 minute time...
Need to run to the loo and get my Nachos ready for the game...
Cannot decide who to support....but my heart is with the swedes...
But England team is strong and I like Owen and Rooney....
Whoever....I will cheer as long as it a a game well played...
----------------------------------------
Good night everybody.
Have a nice day.
Thank you for listening.
With love.
:)
Sunday, May 21, 2006
A little low...
Nowdays....life is beginning to get busy...part time jobs...interviews...plans...occssionally...while lying on the bed at night when I couldn't sleep...I will cry a little bit...just a little bit...when i am feeling low...so low...but then...these kind of days are getting lesser...
Which is a good thing...
***************
In the past, Greece to me is as far as the Moon...somewhere i had no idea where it is on the map...yet...nowdays... keep seeing things that remind me of it....or even him...
Browsing the library....among the table of new books display....the one and only travel guide available...says "Greek Islands"...
Met my firend, XZ, last week, went out for dinner...and I asked him if he had been any where for holidays lately....he said, he just came back from Greece...
When out to watch movie with LW one day...and had tea after that...
she ordered Camomile tea with honey...
I was quietly startled....
Camomile...is not only camomile tea to me....
The smell and taste of the camomile tea....will always...
reminds me of the person...who teach me how to drink it...
Maybe one day...I will want to drink camomile again...
When camomile is ONLY tea....a nice refreshing tea...with honey.
Not somebody...
**********************
Sometimes...out of the blue...while walking on the street...the thought of him will flash across my mind...and take my smile away for the day...
**********************
I just want to tell myself...
BE BRAVE!!!
Be VERY Brave....
and be happy.
***********************
Life...seems to go back in time....I am back to my life 3 years ago...doing the same part time job...
having the same dream again...
Nothing seemed to change....yet...everything has change....
**************************
How are you today?
Which is a good thing...
***************
In the past, Greece to me is as far as the Moon...somewhere i had no idea where it is on the map...yet...nowdays... keep seeing things that remind me of it....or even him...
Browsing the library....among the table of new books display....the one and only travel guide available...says "Greek Islands"...
Met my firend, XZ, last week, went out for dinner...and I asked him if he had been any where for holidays lately....he said, he just came back from Greece...
When out to watch movie with LW one day...and had tea after that...
she ordered Camomile tea with honey...
I was quietly startled....
Camomile...is not only camomile tea to me....
The smell and taste of the camomile tea....will always...
reminds me of the person...who teach me how to drink it...
Maybe one day...I will want to drink camomile again...
When camomile is ONLY tea....a nice refreshing tea...with honey.
Not somebody...
**********************
Sometimes...out of the blue...while walking on the street...the thought of him will flash across my mind...and take my smile away for the day...
**********************
I just want to tell myself...
BE BRAVE!!!
Be VERY Brave....
and be happy.
***********************
Life...seems to go back in time....I am back to my life 3 years ago...doing the same part time job...
having the same dream again...
Nothing seemed to change....yet...everything has change....
**************************
How are you today?
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Those korean dramas are driving me crazy!!!!
Yes!!!!....
They are driving me crazy....
And I realise...they are the best healing medicine for my healing heart.
My vital source of energy to feel the world again....
My heart...no longer broken is healing...
Although I am still crying ...but my heart...it tells me...
"Chyiyun...it is over...you are a brave girl...and you will be able to love again very soon...hang on there...hang on and love will come again..."
And those korean drama...
Makes me want to love again...
Love....as in love only...
Love the rain...
Love the sky...
Love the air....
It doesn't have to be anybody in mind...
But a heart that can love again....
I like this feeling...
They are driving me crazy....
And I realise...they are the best healing medicine for my healing heart.
My vital source of energy to feel the world again....
My heart...no longer broken is healing...
Although I am still crying ...but my heart...it tells me...
"Chyiyun...it is over...you are a brave girl...and you will be able to love again very soon...hang on there...hang on and love will come again..."
And those korean drama...
Makes me want to love again...
Love....as in love only...
Love the rain...
Love the sky...
Love the air....
It doesn't have to be anybody in mind...
But a heart that can love again....
I like this feeling...
Friday, May 05, 2006
Got my powers back!
I lost my ability to do a lot of things...
Even my most precious ability to self-heal...
Like Woverine in x-men.
I used to be a very contented and happy little fish...
Can heal myself easily whenever I am sad...even enjoy the sadness a lot of time....
Until..I accidentally met a big bad fish from the sea...
I lost the ability to heal myself...and also...my ability to love the sadness in me...for a long time....
A few days ago...
Over the phone talking to my best friend yahui....
I was telling her....I am not seeing a problem with my life now...what i see is the stuation I need to cope with until I can find the kind of life I really want to live.
Having said this....my counsellor friend, yahui declare that my self-heal power is BACK!
I am glad.
Even my most precious ability to self-heal...
Like Woverine in x-men.
I used to be a very contented and happy little fish...
Can heal myself easily whenever I am sad...even enjoy the sadness a lot of time....
Until..I accidentally met a big bad fish from the sea...
I lost the ability to heal myself...and also...my ability to love the sadness in me...for a long time....
A few days ago...
Over the phone talking to my best friend yahui....
I was telling her....I am not seeing a problem with my life now...what i see is the stuation I need to cope with until I can find the kind of life I really want to live.
Having said this....my counsellor friend, yahui declare that my self-heal power is BACK!
I am glad.
A dream...
Last week, I dreamt of him.
I was happy in my dream. Evening though I somehow knew I was dreaming...
I am still happy.
Woke up.
Knew I was dreaming.
Yet I knew I was happy in my dream even though I knew I was dreaming.
But it was only a dream.
It meant nothing.
I was happy in my dream. Evening though I somehow knew I was dreaming...
I am still happy.
Woke up.
Knew I was dreaming.
Yet I knew I was happy in my dream even though I knew I was dreaming.
But it was only a dream.
It meant nothing.
Nomad cloud....
Being a nomad is my biggest challenge in life now...
I move around...like a homeless...
I have my stuff everywhere....
In chiangmai...in singapore...
Within singapore...
My stuff are everywhere is different people's house.
Nowadays I carry around a toothbrush eveyday...
And I already have my own toothbrush in some friends house...permanantly there.
Because I might just end up anywhere in a friends house for the night...
I even bring along a set of pyjamas...
This kind of life is tiring.
I have to backpack even in my own homeland.
Nowadays...the only necessity is money and toothbrush and me.
What kind of life is this...
Life of a cloud maybe.
I move around...like a homeless...
I have my stuff everywhere....
In chiangmai...in singapore...
Within singapore...
My stuff are everywhere is different people's house.
Nowadays I carry around a toothbrush eveyday...
And I already have my own toothbrush in some friends house...permanantly there.
Because I might just end up anywhere in a friends house for the night...
I even bring along a set of pyjamas...
This kind of life is tiring.
I have to backpack even in my own homeland.
Nowadays...the only necessity is money and toothbrush and me.
What kind of life is this...
Life of a cloud maybe.
Little fish speaking...
"By the way I dont think he ever said something about beeing a fisherman...he is a fish too.. dont forget."..someone said.
He is a fish too....of course...
Yet one fine day....I asked him..."what do you want to be in your next life?"
He paused and think for a while...and told me..."hmm...fisherman"
And i ask him..."Does greece have a lot of fisherman?
He said" what do you think?...it is surrounded by islands and water..."
It's alright if he don't remember...
I am used to the fact that he always forget what i have said to him...
And is not surprise he always forgets what he said to me himself....
"If I were you, I would preffer to live and be caught at the open sea..." someone said.
But You are not Me...
It just reminds me of Bush...trying to tell Saddam..."Hey, if I were you...I would prefer to liberate the Iraqis....."
And see how the Iraqis die.
Bullshit isn't it.
Try putting a little fish from the fishbowl into the sea...
And see how she dies...
Don't forget...no matter how hard she cries...
The fishbowl will never be saltier than the sea...
With all those heartless fishes in the sea....
I would rather live in the fishbowl with my tiny seaweed...
Once again...I am not you...and you are not me.
Hope you Enjoy your sea...so big...yet always so lonely...
And Let me enjoy my fishbowl...so small....yet so cosy....
Nothing is really good or bad...only whether it suits you or me.
Can you see it?
No??...
Not with your eyes my friend..
...with your heart please.
Anyway...glad to hear from you.
He is a fish too....of course...
Yet one fine day....I asked him..."what do you want to be in your next life?"
He paused and think for a while...and told me..."hmm...fisherman"
And i ask him..."Does greece have a lot of fisherman?
He said" what do you think?...it is surrounded by islands and water..."
It's alright if he don't remember...
I am used to the fact that he always forget what i have said to him...
And is not surprise he always forgets what he said to me himself....
"If I were you, I would preffer to live and be caught at the open sea..." someone said.
But You are not Me...
It just reminds me of Bush...trying to tell Saddam..."Hey, if I were you...I would prefer to liberate the Iraqis....."
And see how the Iraqis die.
Bullshit isn't it.
Try putting a little fish from the fishbowl into the sea...
And see how she dies...
Don't forget...no matter how hard she cries...
The fishbowl will never be saltier than the sea...
With all those heartless fishes in the sea....
I would rather live in the fishbowl with my tiny seaweed...
Once again...I am not you...and you are not me.
Hope you Enjoy your sea...so big...yet always so lonely...
And Let me enjoy my fishbowl...so small....yet so cosy....
Nothing is really good or bad...only whether it suits you or me.
Can you see it?
No??...
Not with your eyes my friend..
...with your heart please.
Anyway...glad to hear from you.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Nothing to write...
I couldn't sleep.
And so...I switch on the lights and logged on.
I happily signed in...assuming I will write something...
But I have nothing to write.
Today...is just another day.
Of course..everyday is unique. You will never have another exactly the same day again....
But then...without today...It seems like...it doesn't make any difference to my life...
Or maybe not.
I was at RS house a few hours ago...had a nice chat...
Made a few calls today for job interviews..
Suddenly cried for 5 seconds...
Read the newspapers and found out about Panasonic new laptop...which can withstand rough handling...such as stuffing it in a crowded backpack...withstand 100kg of weight shock....and only weights 1.29kg....
Wow...I want this laptop....it suits my rough lifestye now..
Rs was telling me...she had a room to rent...
maybe i shold consider..
Oh..there is a job opening for assistant gallery manager....tough work though...
I wish it is also good pay...
Was talking to RS about having a nice house party someday...it would be nice...
Nights are hard to survive...
It was too quiet to sleep....
To quiet that I kept hearing my own voice...
My mind...when it was too quiet...I keep thinking...
Tonight....
I have nothing to write.
And so...I switch on the lights and logged on.
I happily signed in...assuming I will write something...
But I have nothing to write.
Today...is just another day.
Of course..everyday is unique. You will never have another exactly the same day again....
But then...without today...It seems like...it doesn't make any difference to my life...
Or maybe not.
I was at RS house a few hours ago...had a nice chat...
Made a few calls today for job interviews..
Suddenly cried for 5 seconds...
Read the newspapers and found out about Panasonic new laptop...which can withstand rough handling...such as stuffing it in a crowded backpack...withstand 100kg of weight shock....and only weights 1.29kg....
Wow...I want this laptop....it suits my rough lifestye now..
Rs was telling me...she had a room to rent...
maybe i shold consider..
Oh..there is a job opening for assistant gallery manager....tough work though...
I wish it is also good pay...
Was talking to RS about having a nice house party someday...it would be nice...
Nights are hard to survive...
It was too quiet to sleep....
To quiet that I kept hearing my own voice...
My mind...when it was too quiet...I keep thinking...
Tonight....
I have nothing to write.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
This lonely world has been lonely all the while...
I do not know how long these crying fits is ever going to end...
I hope it will not be too long.
Too many crying makes me tired all the time...
I told JM i wish to be normal again....
And he asked me what is normal for me...
Think about it....
Normal is enjoying the quietness in my room alone...and write.
Normal is enjoying the sadness and cries...
Normal is enjoying the loneliness and smile at this beautiful life...
Quietness...sadness....and loneliness...
It was there all the time...
The only difference was...
I used to enjoy it....
And now so afraid...
The world did not change a bit...
I did.
I never felt lonely....
until someone show me how lonely a person can be...
when you are afraid of it....
You are lonely because you are afraid...
Not because this world is lonely....
This world has been lonely all the while...
The only difference is whether you enjoy it or afraid of it...
10 minutes ago...
I was so afraid...
So lonely I cried...
This minute.....
I can feel this tiny normality inside...
This minute...
The world is still lonely...
But not me.
I hope it will not be too long.
Too many crying makes me tired all the time...
I told JM i wish to be normal again....
And he asked me what is normal for me...
Think about it....
Normal is enjoying the quietness in my room alone...and write.
Normal is enjoying the sadness and cries...
Normal is enjoying the loneliness and smile at this beautiful life...
Quietness...sadness....and loneliness...
It was there all the time...
The only difference was...
I used to enjoy it....
And now so afraid...
The world did not change a bit...
I did.
I never felt lonely....
until someone show me how lonely a person can be...
when you are afraid of it....
You are lonely because you are afraid...
Not because this world is lonely....
This world has been lonely all the while...
The only difference is whether you enjoy it or afraid of it...
10 minutes ago...
I was so afraid...
So lonely I cried...
This minute.....
I can feel this tiny normality inside...
This minute...
The world is still lonely...
But not me.
A little girl and the kite
A litttle girl is trying to fly a kite...
It was not easy to start....
She runs like a fool in the field trying to make it fly....
Suddenly with a strange gust of wind...
It started to fly...
Higher and higher...
So much happiness for her inside...
Slowly...
Smaller and smaller becomes the kite...
and almost disappear...
and she panicks...
with the tension of the string still pulling the little girl's hand...
she stuggle to pull the kite back...
But it only hurts her little fingers...
Those little hands she had...
It becomes too painful to hang on to the string...
No matter how hard she pulls....
while seeing the kite disappearing into the sky..
She was in tears....
But she has no choice...
"Have a nice life!!!"...she shouted with all her might hanging on to the string one last time...
"Good bye!!!!"....she waved madly as she let go of the kite....
Painful it is....her little fingers...
She is glad...she fly the kite and let it fly so high....
Fly away in the end...the kite...
But the happiness of making it fly....
shall always remain...
It was not easy to start....
She runs like a fool in the field trying to make it fly....
Suddenly with a strange gust of wind...
It started to fly...
Higher and higher...
So much happiness for her inside...
Slowly...
Smaller and smaller becomes the kite...
and almost disappear...
and she panicks...
with the tension of the string still pulling the little girl's hand...
she stuggle to pull the kite back...
But it only hurts her little fingers...
Those little hands she had...
It becomes too painful to hang on to the string...
No matter how hard she pulls....
while seeing the kite disappearing into the sky..
She was in tears....
But she has no choice...
"Have a nice life!!!"...she shouted with all her might hanging on to the string one last time...
"Good bye!!!!"....she waved madly as she let go of the kite....
Painful it is....her little fingers...
She is glad...she fly the kite and let it fly so high....
Fly away in the end...the kite...
But the happiness of making it fly....
shall always remain...
Feeling afraid...
It is 1.57am...alone in this foreign room.
I am tired...but cannot sleep.
This will be my temporary room for the next 3 days...
and i will have to move again...
I have been staying in different places since I am back in singapore...
So far...I have spend my nights in 4 different places...
and i am only back in singapore for 5 days...
Life here seems to be scarier than I have imagine...
I have lost my ability to be fearless...
Nowadays...I always feel afraid..
Right now..
I am so sacred to be alone in this room...
Which in the past...I would have love this kind of privacy...
To be alone is what i have always enjoyed...
To eat alone...
sleep alone...
work alone..
It makes me feel calm...
and quiet...
That was in the past...
But now...to be alone just frightens me.
Makes me cry...
********
He is gone...
After forcing him to say goodbye...
He disappear from my MSN...
he was never online since...
Yet I kept his contact on my list...
I do not have the courage to delete him.
I know it is silly....
But that is the last trace of him in my memory.
How is he?
Is he happy now?
Is he eating well?
Yet again...Who am I to concern about all these...
I was never anyone to him in the first place...
I was just somebody who happens to be in his life..
to fill up his temporary void...
I can be anybody.
********************
I was watching quite a few korean drama lately...
To make myself love again...
I need to love....
I always need to love...
Love the world...
Love the air..
Love the wind...
Love the rain...
Love somebody...
To love makes me happy...To fall in love...is a beautiful thing....
But after all these sadness that is happens to me...
I lost my ability to love properly...
Don't dare to love...
Don't dare to give...
Don't dare to trust...
Don't dare to believe...
Don't even dare to dream...
And i hate myself for not being able to love anymore...
It makes me sick..
It makes me cry...
It makes me afraid of everything...
Like a fish...washed out of the sea..
Dying...
Someone out there...if you are kind enough to find me ashore somewhere...
Please let me go back to the sea....
Let me breathe...
Let me swim...
Let me be in love like i used to be...
*******************************
3.49am
250406
Singapore
I am tired...but cannot sleep.
This will be my temporary room for the next 3 days...
and i will have to move again...
I have been staying in different places since I am back in singapore...
So far...I have spend my nights in 4 different places...
and i am only back in singapore for 5 days...
Life here seems to be scarier than I have imagine...
I have lost my ability to be fearless...
Nowadays...I always feel afraid..
Right now..
I am so sacred to be alone in this room...
Which in the past...I would have love this kind of privacy...
To be alone is what i have always enjoyed...
To eat alone...
sleep alone...
work alone..
It makes me feel calm...
and quiet...
That was in the past...
But now...to be alone just frightens me.
Makes me cry...
********
He is gone...
After forcing him to say goodbye...
He disappear from my MSN...
he was never online since...
Yet I kept his contact on my list...
I do not have the courage to delete him.
I know it is silly....
But that is the last trace of him in my memory.
How is he?
Is he happy now?
Is he eating well?
Yet again...Who am I to concern about all these...
I was never anyone to him in the first place...
I was just somebody who happens to be in his life..
to fill up his temporary void...
I can be anybody.
********************
I was watching quite a few korean drama lately...
To make myself love again...
I need to love....
I always need to love...
Love the world...
Love the air..
Love the wind...
Love the rain...
Love somebody...
To love makes me happy...To fall in love...is a beautiful thing....
But after all these sadness that is happens to me...
I lost my ability to love properly...
Don't dare to love...
Don't dare to give...
Don't dare to trust...
Don't dare to believe...
Don't even dare to dream...
And i hate myself for not being able to love anymore...
It makes me sick..
It makes me cry...
It makes me afraid of everything...
Like a fish...washed out of the sea..
Dying...
Someone out there...if you are kind enough to find me ashore somewhere...
Please let me go back to the sea....
Let me breathe...
Let me swim...
Let me be in love like i used to be...
*******************************
3.49am
250406
Singapore
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
My dear Chiangmai...
I am leaving Chiangmai on Thursday...
Leaving home yet going home...
And I will be NOT AT HOME...once again...yet be at home
It is really not Chiangmai...
but my family...
Going back to Singapore...
Is a weird feeling nowdays...
Home and yet not home..
Going back yet going away...
Everything is mixed up and all confused...
At home...yet not at home...
This is my world now...
Good and bad..
happy and sad..
6.21am
190406
Leaving home yet going home...
And I will be NOT AT HOME...once again...yet be at home
It is really not Chiangmai...
but my family...
Going back to Singapore...
Is a weird feeling nowdays...
Home and yet not home..
Going back yet going away...
Everything is mixed up and all confused...
At home...yet not at home...
This is my world now...
Good and bad..
happy and sad..
6.21am
190406
Tonight's playlist...
Listening to my window media player while it rains outside...
As the sun is raising every second...i hear the birds singing...
all the sound....it is 6am now.
While I got no idea what the birds are singing...
I know what my window media player is playing...
1. Last christmas- George Michael
2. Can't take my eyes off you-lauren Hill
3. Fallen- Lauren Hill
4. Every breathe you take- The police
5. Now you're not here- Swing out sisters
6. Right here waiting- Richard Marx
7. Heaven knows- Rick Price
8. It might be you- Stephen Bishop
9. It ain't over till it's over
10. Fixing a broken heart-Indecent proposal
11. Alone again(naturally)- Gilbert o' sullivian
Ha...suddenly find it amsuing as I read through the song list...
seems to make sense...and yet...not.
The last song is true though...
Alone again...naturally.
6.10am
As the sun is raising every second...i hear the birds singing...
all the sound....it is 6am now.
While I got no idea what the birds are singing...
I know what my window media player is playing...
1. Last christmas- George Michael
2. Can't take my eyes off you-lauren Hill
3. Fallen- Lauren Hill
4. Every breathe you take- The police
5. Now you're not here- Swing out sisters
6. Right here waiting- Richard Marx
7. Heaven knows- Rick Price
8. It might be you- Stephen Bishop
9. It ain't over till it's over
10. Fixing a broken heart-Indecent proposal
11. Alone again(naturally)- Gilbert o' sullivian
Ha...suddenly find it amsuing as I read through the song list...
seems to make sense...and yet...not.
The last song is true though...
Alone again...naturally.
6.10am
Good news...
Judging from how happy I am typing today....
I guess I am feeling better each day...
The moment of sadness...was there everyday ....
but it goes off...and comes back...
on and off everyday...
Like the mosquitoes that bites me...here and there...
sometimes...you feel the itch...sometimes you forget...
I am totally numb...when I was the saddest though...
lost all my senses to hear...to feel...or even to cry...
I was like a zombie...for a couple of days...
and started to cry...and tell all my friends about it...becos I cannot stop myself from crying...
It becomes scary....I feel afraid..
But not sure what I am frightened of...
I just keep crying....
Now...I think I really am recovering...
I hope I could love again.
To love...to fall IN LOVE....
is never a bad thing...
Those who never fall IN love...never loved.
I believe.
Yet...I respect those who thinks that you should never fall in love...
if they don't need to love anybody...
This world...
Too many war has occur becos people do not respect other people's believes...
Liberation or dictatorship...christian or muslim...
When someone insist that their belief is the only truth...
they are no better than anybody they do not agree with...
If you are a man...you see this world as a man...
A woman...you see this world as a woman...
A chinese...as a chinese...
A greek as a greek...
I can tell a blind person the sky is blue...
But blue will not be the blue we know...to a blind person...
Blue could be water...the sea...the sky...someone's eye...the colour of certain flowers...but makes no sense...he need to see it...
I can let a deaf person know that the sound of the rain is beautiful...
but it will not the the sound we know...to a deaf person...
The sound of the rain...could be something that sooth my heart...makes me smile...and put me to sleep....but makes no sense...he needs to hear it..
Then...I wanted to tell someone...
You need to use your heart to love...but to someone...
it makes no sense...he needs to love to understand it...
Of cos...no one is absolutely right...or wrong...
My world may be distorted too...i am no different from a blind...a deaf and anyone...
I feel this world...whatever my senses tells me...
Just like how you feel this world...whatever your senses tells you...
Whatever...as if you care...as if you will read it....
Right now...
I just love the rain outside...
Can you hear it?...can you feel it...?
I doubt ...
but it's alright...
I don't need someone elses to love the rain for me...
I love the rain myself...
Tonight...I think...I am happy.
Good news isn't it.
I guess I am feeling better each day...
The moment of sadness...was there everyday ....
but it goes off...and comes back...
on and off everyday...
Like the mosquitoes that bites me...here and there...
sometimes...you feel the itch...sometimes you forget...
I am totally numb...when I was the saddest though...
lost all my senses to hear...to feel...or even to cry...
I was like a zombie...for a couple of days...
and started to cry...and tell all my friends about it...becos I cannot stop myself from crying...
It becomes scary....I feel afraid..
But not sure what I am frightened of...
I just keep crying....
Now...I think I really am recovering...
I hope I could love again.
To love...to fall IN LOVE....
is never a bad thing...
Those who never fall IN love...never loved.
I believe.
Yet...I respect those who thinks that you should never fall in love...
if they don't need to love anybody...
This world...
Too many war has occur becos people do not respect other people's believes...
Liberation or dictatorship...christian or muslim...
When someone insist that their belief is the only truth...
they are no better than anybody they do not agree with...
If you are a man...you see this world as a man...
A woman...you see this world as a woman...
A chinese...as a chinese...
A greek as a greek...
I can tell a blind person the sky is blue...
But blue will not be the blue we know...to a blind person...
Blue could be water...the sea...the sky...someone's eye...the colour of certain flowers...but makes no sense...he need to see it...
I can let a deaf person know that the sound of the rain is beautiful...
but it will not the the sound we know...to a deaf person...
The sound of the rain...could be something that sooth my heart...makes me smile...and put me to sleep....but makes no sense...he needs to hear it..
Then...I wanted to tell someone...
You need to use your heart to love...but to someone...
it makes no sense...he needs to love to understand it...
Of cos...no one is absolutely right...or wrong...
My world may be distorted too...i am no different from a blind...a deaf and anyone...
I feel this world...whatever my senses tells me...
Just like how you feel this world...whatever your senses tells you...
Whatever...as if you care...as if you will read it....
Right now...
I just love the rain outside...
Can you hear it?...can you feel it...?
I doubt ...
but it's alright...
I don't need someone elses to love the rain for me...
I love the rain myself...
Tonight...I think...I am happy.
Good news isn't it.
It's raining....
It's raining recently...
And I love this feeling...
As if heaven is crying for me...
So that I don't have to cry alone...
I am feeling so much better now...
The rain...
I love da rain...
Always love it...
I must be a cloud my previous life...
********
Talking about previous life...
I am not sure if I have ever told you this...
I wanted to be a fish my next life...
I always wanted to be...
Somehow in my subconscious...
That is why..I love to dive...
I love water...I love the rain...
I want to be a fish...
swim in it...
breathe in it...
love in it...
And him...he said he wanted to be a fisherman...
I don't remember if I have ever told him I wanted to be a fish...
If i did...I must be crazy...
I wouldn't want to be caught in his net in my next life...
One life time ...is enough for me...
Let me be a happy fish...
Let him be a happy fisherman who will never catch me.
Once again...before i end...
It's still raining...
I Love da rain....
190406
1.48am
And I love this feeling...
As if heaven is crying for me...
So that I don't have to cry alone...
I am feeling so much better now...
The rain...
I love da rain...
Always love it...
I must be a cloud my previous life...
********
Talking about previous life...
I am not sure if I have ever told you this...
I wanted to be a fish my next life...
I always wanted to be...
Somehow in my subconscious...
That is why..I love to dive...
I love water...I love the rain...
I want to be a fish...
swim in it...
breathe in it...
love in it...
And him...he said he wanted to be a fisherman...
I don't remember if I have ever told him I wanted to be a fish...
If i did...I must be crazy...
I wouldn't want to be caught in his net in my next life...
One life time ...is enough for me...
Let me be a happy fish...
Let him be a happy fisherman who will never catch me.
Once again...before i end...
It's still raining...
I Love da rain....
190406
1.48am
This world...is relative...
There is no such things as one kind of reality...
Not becos there is no truth in this world...
but becos we are different individuals...
I live in my own world...fantasy or lie...watever you want to call it...
Becos this is the world I see...
From my eye...my mind...my heart...my soul...
In another words...this world is relative.
Someone wanted me to understand this world is not what I thought it is...
But this person did not realise...
This world is what whoever thought it is in whoever's eye and how they wanted to see it...
Greek philosophy??....NO...I understand it from my chinese ancester philosopher...
Once upon a time...
A man saw a fish swimming in the pond...and said to his friend...
"Look at that fish...it is swimming very happily in the water.."
His friend reply.."you are not the fish...how would you know it is happy?"
This man reply" you are not me...how would you know if I know this fish is happy?"
I would say...
Only that fish will know...
Not becos there is no truth in this world...
but becos we are different individuals...
I live in my own world...fantasy or lie...watever you want to call it...
Becos this is the world I see...
From my eye...my mind...my heart...my soul...
In another words...this world is relative.
Someone wanted me to understand this world is not what I thought it is...
But this person did not realise...
This world is what whoever thought it is in whoever's eye and how they wanted to see it...
Greek philosophy??....NO...I understand it from my chinese ancester philosopher...
Once upon a time...
A man saw a fish swimming in the pond...and said to his friend...
"Look at that fish...it is swimming very happily in the water.."
His friend reply.."you are not the fish...how would you know it is happy?"
This man reply" you are not me...how would you know if I know this fish is happy?"
I would say...
Only that fish will know...
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
I lost yet another pair of my earrings...
I always lost my earrings...
I love them...but because I love them...I wear them...and I will misplace them.
Sometimes...I will be in a dilema...to wear them...somehow would mean to lose them ...no matter how careful I am...
And not to wear...why should i even buy them...
I used to like this tiny pair of peridot stud earrings ...and I lost it twice..and bought it twice...
Now...I don't know where they are...
One of my most painful ones...
I bought them in Quebec...
Dangling silver dream catcher earrings...
I lost half of it...one side...
In glasgow...
It was never found...
But I still keep the other half...
It was a special day to me when I lost it...
Special...as much happiness as it was, sad to me now...
The other..I only wore it once..
A pair of small white crochet flowers earrings...
I bought them in Glasgow...
I never found them...
This time...
A pair of silver semi circle
Hill tribe style dangling earrings...
I first saw this pair of earrings a few month ago in thapae, Chiangmai..
went to the same tiny earring stall every sunday since...
Just to look at that pair of earring...
I hesitated for 4 weeks...becos it was beyond my budget for a pair of earrings..
And finally bought it on my birthday...becos I was so sad on that day...
And that was the only thing that did cheer me up a bit...
I was still wearing it last saturday...
and now...gone..
I was actually quite upset...
But i was touched becos I notice not only my mum trying to search for it...
but my father...also quietly looking everywhere for it for me...
I have stopped trying to look for it...becos my last resort was to NOT LOOK FOR IT...in the hope that it will appear itself...
Lost properties like to play this kind of trick...
the more you want to find something...the more you cannot find it...
Finally..
It was just a pair of earrings...
Lost it...
I can buy another pair...
Like someone had said...
"have a good buy"..
But then...there are just things in this world...
you will never come across again...the second time...
What HM said is slightly more logically though...
you can always find another favourite pair...next time..
Find another favourite pair... and not "have a good buy"...
You can always buy another pair easily as many as you want...
but it will not be your next favourite pair...
if you don't use your heart to find it.
180406
I love them...but because I love them...I wear them...and I will misplace them.
Sometimes...I will be in a dilema...to wear them...somehow would mean to lose them ...no matter how careful I am...
And not to wear...why should i even buy them...
I used to like this tiny pair of peridot stud earrings ...and I lost it twice..and bought it twice...
Now...I don't know where they are...
One of my most painful ones...
I bought them in Quebec...
Dangling silver dream catcher earrings...
I lost half of it...one side...
In glasgow...
It was never found...
But I still keep the other half...
It was a special day to me when I lost it...
Special...as much happiness as it was, sad to me now...
The other..I only wore it once..
A pair of small white crochet flowers earrings...
I bought them in Glasgow...
I never found them...
This time...
A pair of silver semi circle
Hill tribe style dangling earrings...
I first saw this pair of earrings a few month ago in thapae, Chiangmai..
went to the same tiny earring stall every sunday since...
Just to look at that pair of earring...
I hesitated for 4 weeks...becos it was beyond my budget for a pair of earrings..
And finally bought it on my birthday...becos I was so sad on that day...
And that was the only thing that did cheer me up a bit...
I was still wearing it last saturday...
and now...gone..
I was actually quite upset...
But i was touched becos I notice not only my mum trying to search for it...
but my father...also quietly looking everywhere for it for me...
I have stopped trying to look for it...becos my last resort was to NOT LOOK FOR IT...in the hope that it will appear itself...
Lost properties like to play this kind of trick...
the more you want to find something...the more you cannot find it...
Finally..
It was just a pair of earrings...
Lost it...
I can buy another pair...
Like someone had said...
"have a good buy"..
But then...there are just things in this world...
you will never come across again...the second time...
What HM said is slightly more logically though...
you can always find another favourite pair...next time..
Find another favourite pair... and not "have a good buy"...
You can always buy another pair easily as many as you want...
but it will not be your next favourite pair...
if you don't use your heart to find it.
180406
Friday, April 14, 2006
Last few photos for songkran's first day...
Look at his well train posture...
Get your weapons ready!!...
More weapons....the traditional way...
Songkran 13th April...
Boys...they look happy...
This lady looks happy too...good business...
Love and peace...
Smiley thai ladies...happy...
It was a lovely day...
The hottest season of the year...
but thnaks to all the water splashing...
the city is flooded with cool blessing...
It was a lovely day for me...
More Songkran eve...
So lovely... 
Happy to see them smile...
And all that fun....washes my sadness away...
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Songkran
Songkran, the thai's new year is also know as the water festival...
It is also a spring cleaning day traditionally and religious belief that anything old and useless must be thrown away or it will bring bad luck to the owner...
Of cos...the most popular activity...is the water splashing part...which is why it is called the water festival...where they believe that splashing water on you wash away your bad luck...
And Chiangmai happens to be the most popular city for songkran celebration....
Yesterday is the eve of songkran...and I thought i should go out for some preview...
I was warned by my brother to water-proof myself...and i thought...how scary can it be to be wet...
i protect my camera with my diving marine case...and the rest of me ready for the water to splash my bad luck and sadness away...
Something that makes me laugh...
Which i s something i haven't been doing for a long time...
And songkran did cheer me up a bit..
I am quite surprise that people really go all the way out to celebrate this...
Children and teenagers...crowd themselves in a rented pick-up...
with a giant tub of water....equiped with water guns and pills...
and people along the streets...prepare pills of water to splash at anyone who drive by....
people along the river...
Their ammunition is unlimited...
The people from the shops...drag their garden hose to join in the fight...
And the worst type...are those...who splash icy cold water on you...send you the chill...which is why i really prefer river water...which is warm...
NO ONE IS SPARED.
Once you enter chiangmai city....
Today I shall brave myself into the city again...
In the hope that they wash my sadness away for me...
Meanwhile...to show my graditute for their kindness...
I am buying a water gun today hoping to help other people wash their bad luck away....
It is also a spring cleaning day traditionally and religious belief that anything old and useless must be thrown away or it will bring bad luck to the owner...
Of cos...the most popular activity...is the water splashing part...which is why it is called the water festival...where they believe that splashing water on you wash away your bad luck...
And Chiangmai happens to be the most popular city for songkran celebration....
Yesterday is the eve of songkran...and I thought i should go out for some preview...
I was warned by my brother to water-proof myself...and i thought...how scary can it be to be wet...
i protect my camera with my diving marine case...and the rest of me ready for the water to splash my bad luck and sadness away...
Something that makes me laugh...
Which i s something i haven't been doing for a long time...
And songkran did cheer me up a bit..
I am quite surprise that people really go all the way out to celebrate this...
Children and teenagers...crowd themselves in a rented pick-up...
with a giant tub of water....equiped with water guns and pills...
and people along the streets...prepare pills of water to splash at anyone who drive by....
people along the river...
Their ammunition is unlimited...
The people from the shops...drag their garden hose to join in the fight...
And the worst type...are those...who splash icy cold water on you...send you the chill...which is why i really prefer river water...which is warm...
NO ONE IS SPARED.
Once you enter chiangmai city....
Today I shall brave myself into the city again...
In the hope that they wash my sadness away for me...
Meanwhile...to show my graditute for their kindness...
I am buying a water gun today hoping to help other people wash their bad luck away....
Monday, April 10, 2006
The story of a bird and a fish...
This story is for you.
This is a story...of a bird and a fish...
A simple one...
About a fish falling in love with a bird..
One day...they met.
the bird flys by..
while the fish swims in the sea...
For several days...
as if it was fate...
the bird...flys above...
while the fish beneath...
Things happen for a reason they believe...
Slowly...
the fish fell in love...
while the bird...took pity of the little fish who seems lonely...
and enjoy making her happy...
They spend some happy days together...
she surfaces...
He touches the water...
And they kiss...
she was happy...she really was..never in her life..
While the bird find it amusing...
The sun rises..
and moon shines...
with all the smiles...
and her all heart with it...
He flys...and she swims...
One day...
a current came..
the weather change....
she started to drift but she swims and swims.....she trys to jump...then realise she can never get out of the water...becos she will die...
while he knew it was unless to struggle...and impossbile to live in the water for him...and knew it was stupid to even try...
The fish she weeps...she tried to swim hard but cannot fight the current she is in...
The bird however knew it was time to leave...
he knew he will not stay for long in the first place....
Finally...the bird...flys away...becos it has become too cold for him...
while the fish....is sweep away by the current...she cannot help it...
The fish needs the water...just like how someone needs to dream...
It is not a lie that she lives in...but her dreams...she is in it..she cannot help it...
which the bird can never understand...or even imagine....
he hopes that he can make her understand...life is about seeking warmth...
and not dreaming...
The bird is afraid of the cold...just like someone who is afraid of being lonely...
he has to leave becos he needs to be in the warmth constantly....
Just like constantly being in love...which the fish understands...and wishes she also have wings...
But she is a fish...and hope to make him understand...
Life in the water is already warm...to dream...is constantly being in love already...
And so...they parted.
Nothing too surprisely...
This story is fated to end before it even started.
Becos it is about a bird and a fish.
The bird knows...the fish knows too...
How silly can it be...and who could have thought of this...
Indeed...
Turn out...
The story of a bird and a fish...
Is a dream.
A dream by a fish.
A fish dreaming.
A beautiful dream of the story of a bird and a fish...by a fish.
The end.
1.11am
chiangmai
11th april 2006
This is a story...of a bird and a fish...
A simple one...
About a fish falling in love with a bird..
One day...they met.
the bird flys by..
while the fish swims in the sea...
For several days...
as if it was fate...
the bird...flys above...
while the fish beneath...
Things happen for a reason they believe...
Slowly...
the fish fell in love...
while the bird...took pity of the little fish who seems lonely...
and enjoy making her happy...
They spend some happy days together...
she surfaces...
He touches the water...
And they kiss...
she was happy...she really was..never in her life..
While the bird find it amusing...
The sun rises..
and moon shines...
with all the smiles...
and her all heart with it...
He flys...and she swims...
One day...
a current came..
the weather change....
she started to drift but she swims and swims.....she trys to jump...then realise she can never get out of the water...becos she will die...
while he knew it was unless to struggle...and impossbile to live in the water for him...and knew it was stupid to even try...
The fish she weeps...she tried to swim hard but cannot fight the current she is in...
The bird however knew it was time to leave...
he knew he will not stay for long in the first place....
Finally...the bird...flys away...becos it has become too cold for him...
while the fish....is sweep away by the current...she cannot help it...
The fish needs the water...just like how someone needs to dream...
It is not a lie that she lives in...but her dreams...she is in it..she cannot help it...
which the bird can never understand...or even imagine....
he hopes that he can make her understand...life is about seeking warmth...
and not dreaming...
The bird is afraid of the cold...just like someone who is afraid of being lonely...
he has to leave becos he needs to be in the warmth constantly....
Just like constantly being in love...which the fish understands...and wishes she also have wings...
But she is a fish...and hope to make him understand...
Life in the water is already warm...to dream...is constantly being in love already...
And so...they parted.
Nothing too surprisely...
This story is fated to end before it even started.
Becos it is about a bird and a fish.
The bird knows...the fish knows too...
How silly can it be...and who could have thought of this...
Indeed...
Turn out...
The story of a bird and a fish...
Is a dream.
A dream by a fish.
A fish dreaming.
A beautiful dream of the story of a bird and a fish...by a fish.
The end.
1.11am
chiangmai
11th april 2006
Saturday, April 08, 2006
and we shall meet again...
Good bye...not good buy...my friend...
Thank you.
and we shall meet again...
Thank you.
and we shall meet again...
Friday, April 07, 2006
Say good bye...
good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye 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good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye 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good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye 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good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye 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good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye good bye...
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