Painful Disappointment, Quiet Grief and Scare the hell out of me Fright....

There is these battle of emotion lately in me...
First, it was pain......to be exact...
it was a painful disappointment that he wasn't the one...
which makes me cry whenever I think of him...
He wants me to smile when I think of him....But i can't...so far...I can't...
There is always tears...
And i become so sad...
I just dun want to think of him any more....

Then It was Grief...
A very quiet one...
That stir a barely visible ripple in my heart...
Someone passed away...

Then, the Fright...
which scare the hell out of me....
that I naively think by SCREAMING....
the mouse in my room will go away....

All these....came together last night...
in a total shock....
I lost my ability to feel...
For a while...the next morning...
everything is in a daze...
disappointment, grief, and fright....

Life is strange...

16/11/05

My dear few friends....in Glasgow...

I dun have much friends in glasgow...
All the dearest are back in Singapore....

But right here...I do have a few...
One of them...is Heather.

One of the few friends i watch movies and go shopping with....

Then...It was taka, her room mate...whom become my friend...becos I am always at heather house cooking or eating something....

slowly...the 2 of them become great pals to me...

I guess i will miss them...when i leave....
my 2 good friends...

Heather and Taka...

Thank you.

16/11/05

Passed away...

I learn about the news when i was queuing for my burger at burger King...
My mum called me.

My mum say...he died peacefully.
She was crying...
I cried.

And after that i have been calm.
It is a strange feeling.
So far away...
Someone left this world.
Quietly.

It just feel too strange...he always had been part of my family....
he was always there...the moment i was born....like a quiet elderly....
sitting on a chair quietly most of the time...sometimes smoking...

He never really speak to me...
Or maybe becos I never really speak to him...

Strange feeling....
Strange...

A sense of lost...
Like something left the world...
Yet...the world goes on...as if nothing has change....

Quietly...

13/11/2005...5pm Glasgow time

My new flatmate...

Let me just give it a name to acknowlege the fact that I have no choice but to accept his existence.
Let's call it "furball".

"He"...I would prefer to address it as a "he"...to personify him...in attempt to show my greatest respect...
He appears out of nowhere yesterday night at around 4am, while I am watch the late night asian movie, IRON Ladies...
as i was laughing while watching the funny Thai movie...TO MY GREATEST HORROR!!!!....I saw something crawl passed my carpet.....WAIT!...no no,....it can't be...I must be tired or something....4am....I must be seeing things....but...I have a feeling it is real...and HAIRY!...WITH A TAIL!!!...

AND MY HAIR STAND....

WHAT THE HELL is that....!!

it creeps....

AND SHIT!...4am...who am I suppose to call for help....WHO CAN HELP ME!!!!

I send a text to V....my ex bf...but his mobile is switch off...as usual...i am not surprise...

NO ONE....no one can help me now...HELP!!!!!!!!...

In desperation...I CALLED MY BROTHER IN THAILAND!!!....
and told him something terrible has happen!!!! and told him I am very frightened then....
BECOS OF A STUPID MOUSE....
I ask him to call me back as my mobile is low on credit....

as the phone ring....i burst into tears ....then...the SCARIEST MOMENT....the mouse start to crawl CALMLY TOWARDS THE BED!!!....NO NO NO!!!!...GO AWAY!!!!....Dun COME NEAR ME!!!!.....I was half screaming and crying....on the phone.....and the mouse just crawl calmly....as if he did not here my scream...as if he was deaf....OR i suspect he is also blind!!!!...becos my lights are on...and he still dare to COME OUT!!!!......then....he turned left toward the bedside table and went underneath....and he disappear....i become so paranoid....I just stand on my bed....and cry over the phone...while my two brothers in thailand tries to calm me down..(half laughing....or trying very hard not to laugh)....it is funny....if i were to watch some movie and see the same scenerio...i probably would also laugh....BUT...now that the mouse is less than a metre away from me...IT IS DAMN SCARY!!!! SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME!!!!!....and what is worse...is....if the mouse is frantically running...it means it is afraid of me...and hears my scream....BUT NO!!!!....it crawls....CALMLY...and slowly...like i say, as if it is deaf and blind....freaks me out...which means...IT IS NOT AFRAID OF ME....which means....it could just crawl towards me....like SADAKO!.....slowly!!!!!!!

I couldn't sleep...and hide myself under my blanket.....until the next morning....
I had to check to see if the coast is clear before i get off my bed...and run to the toilet...
IN CASE I RUN INTO HIM....


V text me the next morning...and says i should feed him and make friends with it.......
My landlord was laughing when i told him this....he said,"shiah, there is nothing i can do..."


The ultimate was...an email from V saying..."say hello to your new flatmate".....

I guess i have no choice ....BUT BUT BUT.....I just hope my new flatmate and i will live in peace...
Just dun come out to scare me....or jump out from no where.....
The idea of seeing him again is enough to send a chill down my spine....

PLEASE PLEASE.....PEACE!
The room is all yours after i leave, Mr Furball....
Just let me sleep in peace...
OR I WILL SCREAM!"!!!!!!

16/11/05