19th June...

Sent wendy to the bus-stop...
for her flight to go home...in the morning...

****

Reach school at around 2pm...went to his studio becos mine was not open yet...
saw him and her at the door...
and i told him i want to return him things...
Return him the key...
and the mp3 player that he lent me....which he says i can keep...
and a plug for the DVD player which he gave me before the assessment...
I have got loads of stuff...from him...

And he was amused...he din even remember that he lent me so many things...
and he said..."you witch!...how come I lent you so many things..."
he always call me the chinese witch...as a joke...

So i went away....

Went to his studio later a fter a few hours...
and i din see him...I knew he was behind the walls again in the control room...
she was not around as well....I knew she is inside too...

I pop my head into the space...
and then i left...
my mobile rang...twice...and had a text message...
it was him...
he saw me from his video camera from him control room...and ask me to come in...
I opened the liitle door....and i knew she was there too...
I just say...hi...and ask him if he had a lot of visitor today...

He told me...he is going to the branes today...if i want to use the internet connection in his studio there..
that old studio ...

I meet him and her after 5pm...and went there...

I always feel weird that the 3 of us walk together...like this..

but the door of the barnes cannot be accessed..becos it was sunday...
i was disappointed...and he said...he had connection at home...
I rejected his suggestion...becos it would be more akward...for me to go to his place...with the two of them...

Then i saw someone's car...
and recognise it was cecil...
he called her...
and she open the door for us...cecil is a MFA student..and had access on sunday.
We went in and plug in my laptop...

It was nice to go back to that old computer studio again...becos this is the place that build our friendship...
While she is checking her emails...
I return him the money he lent me weeks ago for paying my school fees....
i thought something should be resolved...the money...and my fantasy...
I wished him luck...and put the money i owe him in a red packet( we chinese give blessing by putting money in a red packet...)

Then...after a while...he and she left...while i stayed behind...and go back to my cyberspace...
I was enjoying moments of solitude and peace...and feeling rather happy.

about 15 minutes later...he called and ask me to open the door for him...
he came back with an ancient looking fire extinguisher...
and said he found in a burnt down house...along the way back..and he came back to put this in the studio...
she went home..i thing...
then we had another chat for a while...and he left...

230605


200605

Just a hug...

17th June 2005...something i alomost forget...

It happened before I saw him holding her hands...

It was almost the end of the degree show for the night and everyone is packing...to join the street party...

I ran to his space...for the last time...wanting to tell him I am going home...

She was there...

He was in his little studio...behind the walls...

I went in...and she was outside waiting...

i was there to get some of my stuff...
I left some of my stuff in his space...

Then...before i go...
I told me..." Something I forget to say...congradulations.."
And I gave him a hug...

Then I say.."see you tomolo..."
And he says"NO!...you are going to be at the party tonight..."

The street party he meant...

I promise him I am going...and said "see you later..'

I did went to the street party in the end.

As you all know...

and that was the party that broke my heart...on the 17th June 2005.

Still 18th June...

we are back from Edinburgh...
And i had to see him...

I went to his studio...
and she was there...
He was inside his studio behind the little control room...
while she is in the interactive space...
she saw me...and smile...and said...

"he was talking about you for the whole day...and say why din you come over..'

I was slightly happy...but I know she is just being polite...

I told him i went to edinburgh...and is going home soon....

****

I was outside the school after packing my laptop....and just outside the school building...I saw him and her...

walking together...holding hands...

I was walking right behind...like 10 metres away...

I search for my camera...and SHIT!...i forget to bring...

I wanted to take a picture of their backview holding hands....
Not to remember it...instead...to forget...

Becos...I am going to rememebr this scene forever becos I dun have a camera with me then...
I cannot load this image off my mind...

That scene that pinch my heart again...

I was caught in a dllemma whether to call out to him or not...

It would have beem weird to interupt becos they look like they are enjoying some little moments together...

I called out to him softly...and swallow my voice...

and just walked behind them....becos that was also my way home..

Today...he din ride a bike to school and walked home with her...that wasvery nice...

Then...

she suddenly stopped....and take pictures of a building...

while he waited...

he turn around...

AND SAW ME....

I smiled at him......and he made a hand gesture to shoot me...

I pretend to get hitted by him...

and we laugh...then his gf saw me...

we are like 10 metres apart then...

I join their walk...which i feel a bit bad...becos I interupted their moment...

and the walking position is funny...

I was talking to him....and walked on his side...while his gf was slightly between and behind us...
Then i realise that and feel bad...so...i widen the gap between us...so that she can come in between...
becos I am really shouldn't be the one standing beside him...
Then I end up talking to him..with her standing betwwen us...
I asked him....if his studio back in the barnes building is empty now..
" Did you want the key?...and he took out his key...
and he was tempting me with his key...
He gave me the key...

Then she stopped and took pictures again...and I walked with him further down...and he told me we dun have to be inschool early...becos studio is open at 2pm tomolo...we are smiling...and his girfren came over...and asked why are we laughing so happily...we told her about my retarded discovery...

We parted at the junction...and said good bye...smiling at him...and his gf.




*****

Backed at home....

I spent the whole night watching korean movie...

I was slightly feeling better becos my attention was slighty diverted to be in love with the drama...

Until the next morning...I have realise something...

All the while...it was a misunderstanding of gesture...

I mistook his gesture of friendship for love.

He is still very nice to me...in front of his girlfren...and he never did look akward...

I was more like a buddy to him...

200605

18th June 2005...

I survive...
I went to Edinburgh with Wendy today...

I was walking with her to the train station....while we walk past all the shops...
walking pass Greggs bakery...and I told her...

"This is the Greggs that he always buy the scones..."

Then walking pass another Greggs...I told her...

"This was the Greggs...he bought the chicken Mayo sandwich..."

At the train station....wendy went to WHS to buy some drinks...
I told her I just want water...
And she says it is cheaper to buy the fizzy drinks...
and she bought FANTA Orange...
She ask if it was ok...
I actually do like it...
Then I told her on the train...

"FANTA orange is his favourite drink..."

We went to Edinburgh...and head for the old town...and I told her...

" He mentioned that he is planning to stay in the old town next year..."

We went to a quilt making factory...and wendy made a copper lucky penny...with a machine...and i told her...

"He had a similar one which says.."my lucky penny"...he showed me before..."

Walked pass a street market...selling jewellery...saw some toe ring...and told her...

"he likes to play with my toe rings..."

Aye...everything today is about him.

It was not wendy's fault...thay just happen...and they happen so cruelly.

I always believe things happen for a reason...

They happened...because my heart is broken...

That was on 18th June 2005

200605

Again...17th June 2005...

Heartbroken...

I went home with wendy...
I am not sure if it is something good to have a best friend around while I am feeling sad...
Becos...i will usually pretend that I am fine...
so as not to worry them...

We went home..and i called JM...my friend in Manchester...who is a secondary classmate of wendy...

I was sobbing to him that i was heartbroken...

Both wendy and Jm concluded that...I AM NOT...becos I was NOT EVEN A THIRD PARTY...

Then...Jm did the most funny thing he had ever did...

He said..." Chyiyun...there is something very cruel I want to tell you..."

I said.." Yah...say.."

He said..." I am heartbroken as well...becos....my mobile phone bill is £4.80 now...talking to you like this..."

He is a cheapskate just like me...

I burst into laughter becos I know he is not joking....

And wendy was laughing too....

*****

Late at night...Wendy fell asleep...
I sat on my bed...and think of a lot of things...
I sent text message to yahui my another best fren in singapore and told her I am heartbroken...
and appeal for her to sent me some love...

I am heartbroken...i really am.

that night...it was 3am...18th June already...
I manage to survive till the next day...with my bleeding heart...

200605

Still 17th of June 2005

While he was holding her hand and i walked behind...we met Heather my best fren in school...
She asked him to introduce her...
And i was standing beside looking at them...
he look so affectionate when he introduce her...
I walked away...

I went back to wendy...

She was waiting for me in the crowd...

I was so sad by then...but i wanted to see him for the last time.

I know i am not sensible anymore...

I called him and ask where is he...

And he told me he was near the Vic bar...i went there and he was at a corner...with her...
I SHOULDN'T HAVE COME OVER...
I walked towards them...
and he said the most hurting words i have heard from him...
"I shall be a gentleman today and let you sit on my jacket..."
And he lay his jacket on the floor and let me sit on it...at one side of the corner...
I was touched...but hurt too..and said jokingly..."yah...and the rest of the days...you are a bastard.."
while he sat with his gf...at the other side...

It was the next hurtful moments...after the hand holding episode...
Becos...I felt like an intruder...
someone extra....
someone...who shouldn't be there at all...

I asked him if he is still angry with that drunk woman...
and he said..." Chyi Yun...why din you help me...We can beat them up together..."(something like that...)
I smile....

We sat there for a while...while he took pictures of the crowd in front with his gf's camera....
while i was holding on to his camera and took pictures of him..and his gf...
he showed the pics to his gf on his right...
and turn to his left to show me...
I was surprise...but slightly feeling confused...

Then...I stood up..and said i am leaving...becos my friend, wendy who fly over from singapore to see me is waiting for me...
They also stood up and plan to leave...
He wanted to take his jacket...and I pick that up instead...and say this to him...
"I will be a gentle lady today...to put this on for you..."
he replied..."and the rest of the days you are a bastard.."
I replied .."yah.." ..and pretend to strangle him......

Then...while we walked out of the corner...
someone on the way stopped us...
our classmate alison..and ask him to introduce her...
he did..and my classmates asked...."Is she your girlfren?"
And SHE NODDED HER HEAD...
I couldn't remember what was his replied...
becos I was already walking away...when I heard alison ask this..and by the time i turn my head and wanted to look at his expression...HER NOD caught me...but i think i heard him admitting it...but i forget what he says...

One more thing to add to the confirmation...which convince me...I have been fantasizing all the while...
It was all my colorful imagination of this world....
Things really did happened...but not the way I thought they meant to be...
All was just a silly girl's fantasy...
My silly single-minded, one-sided...love story.

It was shattered into a million,billion...trillion pieces...
My heart...that is.
This happened on the 17th June 2005



200605

The Ultimate Heartbreaker...17th June 2005

Friday...
There was a street party for the degree show...I was standing near him...
as well as his girlfriend...
then someone spill beer on him...and his beloved newly bought camera...
his girlfriend quickly found a piece of cloth and help him to wipe his camera...
while me...I dun have anything accept for my dress...haha
I stood there and watch becos i am in no position to show my concern...
if you know what i mean...who am I to be so anxious about him...
he look angry...becos the beer was spilled over him by a drunk girl...who did it on purpose and is still laughing...
and did not apologise...
he was almost going to start a fight while his girlfriend was helping him to dry his camera...and calming him down...
yet...he looked angry...and he gave me a glance...I look back...with a look that says..."dun do it"...
Then...after a while...a man came over and apologise on behalf of the girl...
Then the three of us...his gf, him amd me...left that spot for some other place...I knew she was his gf...but I need a confirm gesture to utterly convince me...
And that was it...we left the spot with him holding her hands...
and me...walking right behind them...

I am utterly convince.
That was 17th June 2005

The introduction...

He introduce a very sweet girl to me on Thursday...
I have the gut feeling that she is the person I mosted wanted to see.
His girlfriend.
He did not mention that she is...but I can feel it.

That was on 16th June 2005.

200605

15th june 2005

Met him in the afternoon...becos of the camera deal...
He was absolutely delighted.

Two days ago...I asked him if i can get a commsion out of this transaction...

and he said What do you want?"

I told him..."Chiken mayo sandwich..."

He replied.." Just that?"

And I continued.." for a life time.."

He said..." we will discuss about that..."

I know it is a ridiculous request...which he will not grant me.

We said "see you later" to each other to go to the opening for the MFA show...but I din go...
becos Wendy my best fren is here...and i stayed home to cooked her dinner.
I am too lazy to go as well...just too lazy...

That was wednesday...


200605

14th June 2005

That was the happiest day I had In Glasgow.
Happiest...
That was the day i did almost absolutely nothing but is with him for the whole day.
As if I am not with him everyday for the past 5 weeks...
Still in Ailsa's caravan most of the time...

My toes ring...
The steps on the main hall...
The steps outside Aiilsa's caravan...
The bluff game...

Sorry...I dun feel like elaborating what happened...too sad to.
But I will rememeber them.

200605

13th June 2005

We went back to school after coming back from the camera shop...
and head for the library to go online...then Bax called...
and I logged off...before i go...I told "him" I had to run...

Just outside the mac building...I met Bax...and we went off together for tea...
On the way walking past the library...he walked past us across the street...and i waved at him...
He gave me a weird smile...

But after having tea with Bax,...I went back to school and called him...asking him where is he...
but is too lazy to go over and find him..I stayed at Ailsa's caravan...and had a nice cup of tea...
and text him telling him..I am too lazy.

He come over later...and we spent some nice lazy afternoon in her caravan...

That was 13th june 2005

Canon 300D

He wanted a camera so badly...
While a friend of mine had one.
I went to second handed camera shop with him on monday...
He was riding his bicyle and i walked...as usual.
He bought me a chicken mayo sandwich on the way...
We finally reached there but he was disappointed that the shop did not have the model he wanted.
I asked him how disappointed is he...and estimated the disappointed level by making a distance between my hands...
he said..."a bit more.."
And i told him...not to be ...
He was so desperate...and he ask me to call Gerard to ask him if he is willing to sell his.
I showed him Gerards camera the week before..and he is so excited about it...
And surprise surprise....Gerard is willing to sell his.

But..we need to wait for him to come back from Edinburgh...

So we went back to school...while I am meeting Bax at 1pm.

This happened on 13th June 2005.

Herald says...

A review on Glasgow School of Art degree show 2005...

http://www.theherald.co.uk/features/41355.html

Which mentioned my work with a paragraph...
But they spelled my name wrongly...as usual...
The people here never spell my name correctly.

190605

"Not At Home"...Degree show 2005 Glasgow School of Art.