By the way...I miss him today...not only today...

To ask someone to take care of my heart ...

Am I too much to ask someone to take care of my heart...
I am just asking...
I am quite an easy maintenance person...
I dun need much...
Just a little air...enough to breathe...
just a little food...keep me moving...
Just a little sleep...keep me freash everyday..
just a little music...soothe my mood...
just a little love...in any form...

I guess..that is all i need for the time being...

Anyone can give me that??

Thanks you very much.

250705

Back to normal...

Life is back to normal...
Fairy tale on pause mode...
Rents to pay...
Financial in RED...
din win the lottery...

And so..I just found out I have been eating moldy bread again...
one bite...saw the mold..and freak out...not becos i see the mold...as if i have not eaten moldy bread before...but freak out becos...i am back to moldy bread eating days...
Indeed life is BACK to normal...

As if it is not enough...
I just found out that the butter is out of date as well...
as if i have not eaten any out of date food...in fact i always buy out of date food becos they are cheaper...
Hence I realise, indulging myself in 2 apples a day is sinful now...
Food ration should be back...

and...what else...I am thinking...yah...cruel life is back...

And that is life...
and oh...my agent just call...which means...work is back as well...what a life...

I miss my fairy tale...

where is my tall dark and handsome prince...

or my dwarf?

watever...

250705

Friday Fantasy...

Tonight I shall sleep as if I have won the Jackpot...which means...I probably couldn't sleep...becos I will too excited as if I have won...you know what i mean...
66Miliion...who can sleep...you tell me...

Anyway...

Enough of money...if i win ...I win...if i dun...I dun...

So for the day...

I have talking to my electric fren JM...and Yanni...

and as my mobile credit is very low...I cannot afford to sent him sms today...
maybe one last one before i sleep tonight...

Ah...that's all...

210705

Can you imagine...?

Well...to many of us...striking rich can be a solution to all problems...
Yet becoming TOO rich suddenly can cause other problems.
I have been thinking...
If i win the rollover...

I will stop looking for a job...
go for a long holiday...
lost the sense of competition and excitement in life...
becos i can have anything i want(materially)...
dun have to work hard to buy something i like...
dun have to work very hard for my art...
becos i dun have to impress any scholarship or funding boards to fund my work anymore...
then...I will stop doing my art...
which are based on my hardship and determination to become an artist for life...
perhaps i will not stop making art totally...
just that the direction of my art might change drastically...
not a bad thing...
but cannot speculate what it will become...

of cos...I will grow fat...becos i dun have to work anymore..
and can buy all the good food...
and eat a lot...since i am too free and not working...

of cos...i will become lazy...
bad bad...

and slurge all my money on useless things...spend and spend...
and becomes nothing...
lost the direction and goals in life...
ah...scary...

BUT BUT BUT...

I know I will not allow myself to become like dat...
At least...it will be a wise thing to invest my money for the future...and gave my money also to my family and friends...if they need fundings for their dreams...
plus..do a lot of charity work...i probably would like to go to areas like rural china, cambodia and thailand...to see the children in needs...build school...hire teachers...
He and i agree to share our winnings...so he will have half of watever...
and he also agrees that he will be in charge of the african side...doing charity.

Then...we will travel around the world...half backpack...becos we do enjoy a little simple and wild travel...
half luxury...go for good food...and interesting destinations...

Regardless of whether our relationship will last...
I would still want a personal art studio...
with fully equiped facilities...


then...start to have solo exhibitions worldwide...

Open a pub...with a live stage..playing good music...

open a restauarnt...cook good food...

open a publishing house...
publish personal writings...
and interesting blogs and artists book...

make short films...
make movies...
write scripts for theatres...
start art projects...

of course...by 35 years old..i want to have at least 2 kid...
if not..more...

I wanna learn millions of things...
pick up at least a few more languages...
japanese...korean...thai...german?...french...?..italian?...greek..spanish...??
pick up a few instrument...piano?...gu-zhen(chinese zither)...??..violin??
learn how to make a persona website...hire a web technician...??
learn movie making and video editing...
learn chinese calligraphy..chinese paintings...chinese seal carving...
learn ceramics and pottery....traditional and comtemporary....
learn glass blowing....make glass work..
learn knitting....
learn various international cooking....Love to cook!
learn printmaking..
learn photography...
learn driving...ohh...better not...get a driver instead...hehe...
ohh...get my dive master cert...and go diving!!!!

Ahh....so many things to learn....

And things i realy wanna buy...

Have a personal library....
and buy a lot oof books...so that i can be reading a lot....
lots of artbooks...philo...travel...magazines...novels...japanese comics...

Have a collection of music...CDs..
vinyl tracks...
Good audio system....

Buy a lot of nice shoes...which I have been eyeing...
Buy a few good proper jeans...some nice dresses...blouses and t-shirts...
have an equiped wardrobe...I am not particular about dressing up though...
just a few nice ones which i will always wear...
and keep wearing...not too many clothes becos I dun like to think too much in terms of what to wear for the day...
so the lesser the choice...the lesser the fuss...so just a good collection of clothes that i will always wear...
not one that has too many clothes that i never wear...

ah...then a full set of diving gears...

good art equipments and materials in my studio....
all sort of oil paints full artist range....
acrylics...watercolours....pastel...crayons...
brushes...all sorts of canvases and papers...cutters...
colour pencils, markers...
wood carving tools...drills....saws....
pottery tools....kiln....
print-making tools....
good computers to support my protfolio and websites....
and video works...
printers....?...
sound room?...?

a superb kitchen....
with stove and ovens...
facilities from baking cakes and cookies to making timsum...
beautiful kitchen wares...different style...
chinese...japanese...western...watever.....greek?...
nice bowls...plates..cups...and different tea pots....
maybe some made by myself...

ah...buy nice towels and bed sheets....I like fabrics...
i like textile things...curtains..??...watever

hmm...enough buying...dun have much to buy actually....
i dun like cars...OHH...but a mini copper...the old original one...
I love that car....

and...yah...that's all...i guess...

I wonder is i have any money left after all these...or did i ask for too much...
and lastly just to do all the above things...with the fact that I am with someone i love and love me...
I hope that is not too much to ask for...

hmm....suddenly i realise...I can achieve all these...even if i din win a lottery...probably have to wait for 20 more years...when i have enough savings....and establish practices....I would be 45 by then....probably will have a house...which is also my studiopay by installaments)...with good collection of material over the years....well travelled by 45(get travel fundings and art residencies)....have a superb kitchen by then....have at least 2 kids( not a difficult thing if i get married by 35)...a good wardrobe of enough clothings i need( i actually got enough...just a few more for vanity)....good collections of books which i will never finish reading(library)...good collection of music....(download online)....learn a couple of languages as I travel....learn ceramics and pottery along the way....have a good personal website.....and publish a few books....make a few short films...wrote a few theatre and movie scripts....opena small pubs with friends...or with my brothers....or a restaurant....and pop by to eat good food....

Hmm....maybe if i dun win...i just have to wait for another 20 years....I can wait really....
but....what if...I am still as poor and struggling like i am today....
being a poor and struggling artist...is not easy...no matter how determine...
it is not easy...

IF I WIN....and if i win.....THINGS WILL BE A LOT EASIER....dun you think..?

Look forward....
can you imagine...?


210705

Restless...

It is ok to be sad or misrable...
as I do occasionally enjoy them...but NOT RESTLESS.
Restless is the one most horrible thing that can happen to me.
Restless...

Just feels like a piece of shit...
smelly...stinky...and sticky...
that squash into a splut on the floor when someone step on it accidentally...
simply annoying...

As days goes by...
I have become lazy...

I do enjoy laziness...
But then...when laziness makes me feels useless...
That is bad...

However...I do have plans...just that...my current financial condition does not allows me to laze around too long...
as usual...

Ah....where are all my electric friends today...
ohh...body aches...
becos of carrying my laptop around and do groceries yesterday...and walked all the way home to save bus fare...

LiFe SuCKs!!!

200705

The EuroMillion Rollover AGAIN!...

YES YES YES!...I am that obsessed with the idea.
And I love it...always imagine myself to be a millionaire whenever there is a rollover...
And be happy for the week...
Even if I DIN WIN!
as long as the result is not out...
EVERYBODY IS THE WINNER!
The euphoric experience is so intense that it is more effective than eating a mountain of chocolate...
especially for my case...I HATE chocolate.

And so...I shall daydream...and..let's see what i wanna do if I win...

1. Pack a small bag and fly to meet him...
2. Or...pack my bags...go chiangmai...and meet my parents...
3. To singapore to meet my friend...
4. hmm...nothig else to do...

It only shows that I am actually quite contented in my life now...
I actually dun have anything urgent I wanna do...except for meeting people...
becos I am just too lonely here...

perhaps go for a shopping spree...
but there is nothing in particular i really need...probably a couple of pairs of shoes...
dresses...that won't cost much...but have got no occassion to wear becos i dun have much frens here...
and maybe go for a nice dinner....but dun noe who to go with...
eating alone is not a too interesting thing to do...
so if i win the rollover...
I want to see all my frens...
i miss them...

So that's all...

Hope I win...

190705

How deep is your love...or mine...?

Love da feeling that i am writing again..technically...typing to be precise.
The intense feeling of love fades away as time goes by...but that doesn't mean i dun love him anymore...
it only means I can see this relationship with a clearer mind...and calmer heart...

Too tired to ask how deep is his love for me...
Maybe for a girl...we always like to noe this...
But now...What i am trying to access is how deep is my love..for him...

First of all...most certainly... I know...I love him.
Then...the question is how much.
Love means a million things to me.
I love the view from my window...
i love the walkway along the end of Sauchiehall street...
I love the rain...when I am sleeping in my bed...
I love the sun occassionally...
I love eating pipping hot food...
I love muching cold salad...
I love to cook...
I love to voice my feelings...

So many love...no particular reasons most of the time...
So how deep is my love for him...
I cannot guage.

There is no way I can...
becos most of the time...I dun know why I love certain things...
perhaps there are reasons for why I love something...
but that reason does not apply to everything that i love...
which means...that is not the reason why i love something...

For instance...I love his smile...
I just like it...he always smile like a boy...
like something amuse him so much...he smile...
Especially the one that he had on his face when he first solve the rubiks cube...
But then...if he dun have such smile...
I still love him...
So it is not his smile...

Becos he change my lightbulb?...i love him before he did so...
Becos he rides a bicycle?...dun think so...

And...thinking so hard...
I actually cannot think of anything concrete why i love him...perhaps too many reasons in the past...
but nothing comes to my mind exactly...
sometimes he reminds me of my father...who like to fix machines...
but if he doesn't...
I still love him...

Sometimes he makes me happy...
but if he doesn't...
I still love him...

sometimes he makes me sad...
but if he does...
I still love him...

sometimes he amuses me...
but if he doesn't...
i still love him...

sometimes he annoys me...
but if he does..
i still love him...

sometimes he makes me laugh...
but if he doesn't...
i still love him...

sometimes he makes me cry...
but if he does...
I still love him...

So...how deep is my love for him...
I cannot guage.
There is no way.

Only time will tell.

But right now...I just love him.
That is how deep.
This deep.

190705

The EuroMillion Rollover!!!!

66 Million Pounds!!!!!...COUNT THE ZEROS BEHIND IT!!!!...what more can I say!

190705

Love and hate....Happy and sad....

He said...Life needs a big smile...He hate the word sad...
but but...I love it...
It's like...life will not be happy if there is no sadness...
If you know what I mean...in fact...I do enjoy being sad for a while...it is the time...when you become very delicate...and sensitive...laugh and cry at almost everything....feel the slightest of the wind blowing in the air...if life is without any sadness....than happy will not be happy.

190705

OH MY GOD!

What...you mean I can change the title of my blog...gee...now I know...
haha...anyway...will think about it!...haha...

LOVE TO ALL!

I guess things have to come to an end...

He left...
I wasn't too sad actually...and surprisingly...
maybe becos i feel more peaceful and at ease now that I know he feels the same for me...
perhaps...we are not fated to be together afterall...but fated to meet is good enough...

We still keep in contact.

I guess things have to come to an end...and...
I am thinking of ending this blog...

First of all...I am planning to go home soon...for a special reason...i might need to go back to singapore for a scholarship ineterview...chances are...i might just stay there and not come back...

second...my family is no longer in singapore now...so..strictly speaking I dun have a home now in singapore...and i am now in glasgow...which is my home now...strangely...

So NOT AT HOME...is not valid anymore...

I thought i have expose tooo much of myself for this entire blogging experience...not that i dun like dat...but is feeling uncomfortable as i tell more and more...

And so..yah...this is probably the end...maybe i will pop by and post some silly notes on and off...but...I dun think it will be frequent anymore...

I suspect no one will feel sad anyway...becos not much people really read my blog...

Thanks to those who always visit and comment and update...especialy my blg pal bill and Jm...and LW...the rest you know who you are..i know you all care...

And lastly...maybe i shall start a new blog soon...called SEARCHING FOR HOME...

watever...keep you guys update!...

and as you all know I am fickled minded...
I might start to post stuff again tomolo...who knows...

LOTS OF LOVE!
strangecloud

The man who change my lightbulb....

Tuesday...
my lightbulb fused again...
it is about time anyway...
But It is summer now...and it is still bright outside ...i dun have any spare lightbulb...
and i am lazy to buy one....

I thought..maybe i will change it tomolo..since he is coming and he can change it for me...

He did...

At first...I ask him to change it for me...and he said...why can't i change it myself...
and i was angry...

So I climb up the chairs and do it myself...

he saw me struggling...and shoo me away....

and change it for me in the end....

That was it...


I think I found the person who change my lightbulb...

080705

His story vs my story...

I am not sue if I have ever told you people when was the first time we met.
We met in the dissertation conference for our department where we present our essay research to our follow classmates...that was the first time we know the exitence of each other...becos...I asked him a question that he could not answer...during Q&A.

The second time....was in london....and he told me...he thought i was not polite to leave him alone with the rest of the other people and went away alone to china town...at that time...he was hoping to go away with me...becos the group that we are tagging along are not very friendly people.....for me...i intended to drag him along...but i guess there is a misunderstanding somehwere....and i tot he said...he wanted to stay with them....ah...misunderstanding...we could have been better friends then if we were to shop china town in london....maybe things will be different...

Anyway...he said...he thought he should give me a second chance...though he thought I was impolite.. :p

third time...we happened to be in the gallery....only the two of us...that was becos...he was invigilating a friends work...while i am in school hoping to join an extra critique session...but couldn't find the group of them...so i just stay in the gallery and wait...so the two of us...start to chat again....he told me...it was a pleasant conversation...

Fourth time...I was helping a frined to ship back stuff to singapore...and need help to carry the boxes down to the lobby...no one was around except him...in his studio....i ask him to help...he hesitated for like 1 second and agrees to help....

He remembers everything....as we are discussing about how we met....he remembers...

and i asked him....when was the frist time you really ever notice me...if you know what i mean...he said...
there was once when i was wearing my checked blue shirt(which i always do)...but i let down my plaited hair....he was shocked to realised that my hair was that long...becos for days...sitting beside him in his studio...I always bun up my hair...and he has got no idea how long it was.....so he said...yah....that was the first time...and he asked me if i remember him telling me...my hair was amazing....(something like dat..i couldn't remember the exact word he said...but i roughly do remember he did comment something about my long hair...which everybody does when they see it...)

I told him about the times....when we left the school together each day...and at the door...i will always ask him when he will be in school tomolo...and he will tell me the same time...and we will say"see you tommorrow"....before we part...everyday....and each time...I will walk quietly with my head down...for a while...and finally decide to look back...and see him riding away....everyday...i would do that...and everytime...we will hang around the door and say the same thing....and slowly...the time spend at the door drags...and at times...there will be silence...while we stand at the door...and then we will say..." see you tomolo.."....i will always walk...for a while before i turn back and look at him ride away( i never tell him this until he told me...).....then he told me ....actually...he would always turn and look at me for a few times...before he rides away....and he will see me walking home...with my head down.....so...he was also looking at me...but but....we never did see each other turning back and look at each other...we just missed that every time.....

anyway....that was it for the day....enuff to feel real sad when he leaves on friday.

060705