Plan B

Is to go Holland to do my MFA.
But...honestly..
I am also tempted to go Taiwan or Thailand to practice.

Give up stability to practice.

I am still thinking.

Seriously.

Plan A

Is gone.
My plan A was set 8 years ago.
Or even earlier...probably 10 years ago.
My plan is to get the scholarship from JCCI to go tokyo for my MFA.
Be a part time lecturer in some tertiary school...
Practice full time as an artist.

But eversince 2 month ago...Plan A is gone.
I am quite lost actually.
I need to rethink my future.
I activated my Plan B.
Plan B...

I am 28 now.

Time is running out.
For my art practice.
I need to establish myself before I reach 35.
Before I can start my stable life as an artist.
If I settle for stability now, it could mean compromising my art.
I have to give up my stable now...
So that art can be with me for the rest of my life...
with a stable life.

If i practice now...with my BA...
my part time will be low paid..
And my work will not be well funded.
And I have to struggle...and
cannot make both ends meet.

If i finish my MFA,
my part time will be better paid...
and my work will have a higher chances of getting funded.
Until I am independent and
finally practice full time eventually.

What I want is really simple.
Find someone I love who also love me...
to live the rest of my life with...
have a place I call home to live and work in...
have many kids...
share my life in the form of art...
Do what I love and make a living out of it...until I die.

Maybe...not so simple afterall.

Let go ...and grab it...

I am aware that I am feeling very uncertain about my future.
And I am also aware that there is something really HUGE that has been stopping me to express.
I am too careful.
I am afraid.
I am afraid that I will end up with nothing.
While I am trying very hard to stretch out my hand for my artistic expression....
Yet, holding on to stability with the other hand...
In the end...I always only can see but cannot reach art...
When I couldn't let go of stability.

I have to let go...
And grab it.

Every now and then...

I redefine my past all the time.
Because I grow and learn new things.
Because I begin to understand things that I do not understand in the past.

I redefine my love history as something I cannot avoid.
Although it is my greatest mistake for making such choices,
I cannot say I regret it.

You love because you love.
Even if you know there is no future.
At that moment, there is no need for future.

What is right before your eyes is the truth at that moment of time...
And afterwhich, it will become a past...
to be remembered if worth remembering...
And will make you what you are in the future.
If you only see the future...
Then your future will be a result of your meaningless past...
which will be meaningless as a future.
Nothing for you to look back on..
Always overlooking what is right before you.

Have you overlook your present.
Have you missed out what is right before your eyes now?

Look around around you now.