My dear Chiangmai...

I am leaving Chiangmai on Thursday...
Leaving home yet going home...

And I will be NOT AT HOME...once again...yet be at home

It is really not Chiangmai...
but my family...

Going back to Singapore...
Is a weird feeling nowdays...

Home and yet not home..
Going back yet going away...

Everything is mixed up and all confused...

At home...yet not at home...

This is my world now...

Good and bad..
happy and sad..

6.21am
190406

Tonight's playlist...

Listening to my window media player while it rains outside...
As the sun is raising every second...i hear the birds singing...
all the sound....it is 6am now.

While I got no idea what the birds are singing...
I know what my window media player is playing...

1. Last christmas- George Michael
2. Can't take my eyes off you-lauren Hill
3. Fallen- Lauren Hill
4. Every breathe you take- The police
5. Now you're not here- Swing out sisters
6. Right here waiting- Richard Marx
7. Heaven knows- Rick Price
8. It might be you- Stephen Bishop
9. It ain't over till it's over
10. Fixing a broken heart-Indecent proposal
11. Alone again(naturally)- Gilbert o' sullivian

Ha...suddenly find it amsuing as I read through the song list...
seems to make sense...and yet...not.


The last song is true though...


Alone again...naturally.


6.10am

Good news...

Judging from how happy I am typing today....
I guess I am feeling better each day...

The moment of sadness...was there everyday ....
but it goes off...and comes back...
on and off everyday...
Like the mosquitoes that bites me...here and there...
sometimes...you feel the itch...sometimes you forget...

I am totally numb...when I was the saddest though...
lost all my senses to hear...to feel...or even to cry...
I was like a zombie...for a couple of days...
and started to cry...and tell all my friends about it...becos I cannot stop myself from crying...
It becomes scary....I feel afraid..
But not sure what I am frightened of...
I just keep crying....


Now...I think I really am recovering...

I hope I could love again.
To love...to fall IN LOVE....
is never a bad thing...

Those who never fall IN love...never loved.
I believe.
Yet...I respect those who thinks that you should never fall in love...
if they don't need to love anybody...

This world...
Too many war has occur becos people do not respect other people's believes...
Liberation or dictatorship...christian or muslim...
When someone insist that their belief is the only truth...
they are no better than anybody they do not agree with...

If you are a man...you see this world as a man...
A woman...you see this world as a woman...
A chinese...as a chinese...
A greek as a greek...

I can tell a blind person the sky is blue...
But blue will not be the blue we know...to a blind person...
Blue could be water...the sea...the sky...someone's eye...the colour of certain flowers...but makes no sense...he need to see it...

I can let a deaf person know that the sound of the rain is beautiful...
but it will not the the sound we know...to a deaf person...
The sound of the rain...could be something that sooth my heart...makes me smile...and put me to sleep....but makes no sense...he needs to hear it..

Then...I wanted to tell someone...
You need to use your heart to love...but to someone...
it makes no sense...he needs to love to understand it...

Of cos...no one is absolutely right...or wrong...
My world may be distorted too...i am no different from a blind...a deaf and anyone...

I feel this world...whatever my senses tells me...
Just like how you feel this world...whatever your senses tells you...

Whatever...as if you care...as if you will read it....

Right now...
I just love the rain outside...
Can you hear it?...can you feel it...?
I doubt ...
but it's alright...
I don't need someone elses to love the rain for me...

I love the rain myself...

Tonight...I think...I am happy.
Good news isn't it.

It's raining....

It's raining recently...
And I love this feeling...
As if heaven is crying for me...

So that I don't have to cry alone...

I am feeling so much better now...

The rain...
I love da rain...

Always love it...

I must be a cloud my previous life...

********

Talking about previous life...
I am not sure if I have ever told you this...
I wanted to be a fish my next life...
I always wanted to be...
Somehow in my subconscious...
That is why..I love to dive...
I love water...I love the rain...
I want to be a fish...
swim in it...
breathe in it...
love in it...

And him...he said he wanted to be a fisherman...
I don't remember if I have ever told him I wanted to be a fish...
If i did...I must be crazy...
I wouldn't want to be caught in his net in my next life...
One life time ...is enough for me...

Let me be a happy fish...
Let him be a happy fisherman who will never catch me.

Once again...before i end...

It's still raining...
I Love da rain....

190406
1.48am

This world...is relative...

There is no such things as one kind of reality...
Not becos there is no truth in this world...
but becos we are different individuals...

I live in my own world...fantasy or lie...watever you want to call it...
Becos this is the world I see...
From my eye...my mind...my heart...my soul...

In another words...this world is relative.

Someone wanted me to understand this world is not what I thought it is...
But this person did not realise...
This world is what whoever thought it is in whoever's eye and how they wanted to see it...

Greek philosophy??....NO...I understand it from my chinese ancester philosopher...

Once upon a time...

A man saw a fish swimming in the pond...and said to his friend...
"Look at that fish...it is swimming very happily in the water.."

His friend reply.."you are not the fish...how would you know it is happy?"

This man reply" you are not me...how would you know if I know this fish is happy?"


I would say...

Only that fish will know...