This lonely world has been lonely all the while...

I do not know how long these crying fits is ever going to end...
I hope it will not be too long.
Too many crying makes me tired all the time...

I told JM i wish to be normal again....
And he asked me what is normal for me...

Think about it....
Normal is enjoying the quietness in my room alone...and write.
Normal is enjoying the sadness and cries...
Normal is enjoying the loneliness and smile at this beautiful life...

Quietness...sadness....and loneliness...
It was there all the time...
The only difference was...
I used to enjoy it....
And now so afraid...

The world did not change a bit...
I did.

I never felt lonely....
until someone show me how lonely a person can be...
when you are afraid of it....

You are lonely because you are afraid...
Not because this world is lonely....
This world has been lonely all the while...
The only difference is whether you enjoy it or afraid of it...

10 minutes ago...
I was so afraid...
So lonely I cried...

This minute.....
I can feel this tiny normality inside...

This minute...
The world is still lonely...
But not me.

A little girl and the kite

A litttle girl is trying to fly a kite...
It was not easy to start....
She runs like a fool in the field trying to make it fly....
Suddenly with a strange gust of wind...
It started to fly...
Higher and higher...
So much happiness for her inside...

Slowly...
Smaller and smaller becomes the kite...
and almost disappear...
and she panicks...

with the tension of the string still pulling the little girl's hand...
she stuggle to pull the kite back...
But it only hurts her little fingers...
Those little hands she had...

It becomes too painful to hang on to the string...
No matter how hard she pulls....
while seeing the kite disappearing into the sky..

She was in tears....
But she has no choice...

"Have a nice life!!!"...she shouted with all her might hanging on to the string one last time...

"Good bye!!!!"....she waved madly as she let go of the kite....


Painful it is....her little fingers...
She is glad...she fly the kite and let it fly so high....
Fly away in the end...the kite...
But the happiness of making it fly....
shall always remain...

Feeling afraid...

It is 1.57am...alone in this foreign room.
I am tired...but cannot sleep.
This will be my temporary room for the next 3 days...
and i will have to move again...
I have been staying in different places since I am back in singapore...

So far...I have spend my nights in 4 different places...
and i am only back in singapore for 5 days...

Life here seems to be scarier than I have imagine...

I have lost my ability to be fearless...
Nowadays...I always feel afraid..
Right now..
I am so sacred to be alone in this room...
Which in the past...I would have love this kind of privacy...

To be alone is what i have always enjoyed...
To eat alone...
sleep alone...
work alone..
It makes me feel calm...
and quiet...
That was in the past...

But now...to be alone just frightens me.

Makes me cry...

********

He is gone...
After forcing him to say goodbye...
He disappear from my MSN...
he was never online since...

Yet I kept his contact on my list...

I do not have the courage to delete him.

I know it is silly....
But that is the last trace of him in my memory.

How is he?
Is he happy now?
Is he eating well?

Yet again...Who am I to concern about all these...
I was never anyone to him in the first place...
I was just somebody who happens to be in his life..
to fill up his temporary void...
I can be anybody.

********************

I was watching quite a few korean drama lately...
To make myself love again...
I need to love....
I always need to love...
Love the world...
Love the air..
Love the wind...
Love the rain...
Love somebody...

To love makes me happy...To fall in love...is a beautiful thing....

But after all these sadness that is happens to me...
I lost my ability to love properly...
Don't dare to love...
Don't dare to give...
Don't dare to trust...
Don't dare to believe...
Don't even dare to dream...

And i hate myself for not being able to love anymore...
It makes me sick..
It makes me cry...
It makes me afraid of everything...

Like a fish...washed out of the sea..
Dying...

Someone out there...if you are kind enough to find me ashore somewhere...
Please let me go back to the sea....
Let me breathe...
Let me swim...
Let me be in love like i used to be...

*******************************

3.49am
250406
Singapore