Over cried.

I woke up just now...feeling thirsty..
and..with swollen eyes.

Due to...excessive crying.

I was sobbing to a MSN screen in the middle of the night while telling JM how sad I was because of JCCI.

Nevertheless, it is not finalised yet.

I shall keep my fingers crossed until the very last.

When it comes to such times in my life...

I kind of miss RS.
She would have understood my pain.

It is time.

If this decision by JCCI is confirmed.

Something flashes across my mind that it is time that I need to do something.

And it will be done.

It is time.

Fate to be NOT FATED TO BE.

There are only 3 occassions when I vividly remember that I need to call someone and cry.

1. One, when I was in glasgow. On the verge of breakdown because I was too poor to pay school fees and work like mad yet almost cannot pay rent, nothing left in the fridge to eat, and no time to go studio to do my art.

2. I was broken-heart and thought I will never love anyone again. ( And still cannot love anyone now.)

3. When I heard news from JCCI that they intend to stop the scholarship to Tokyo this afternoon when I called. This decision will change my life.

I was crying over the phone when I was talking to YH. Or should I say...I was only capable of crying and not talking at all then...after a few hours, I called her again, because I could call no one else. Maybe YH was trying to console me and suggest that...I did not really want the scholarship as much as I appear to be. I just want the money and go travel. But she underestimate the importance of this scholarship to me. It is not only the money. This scholarship is something that makes me work very hard for the past 7 or 8 years...I couldn't remember exactly. I wanted to apply for this scholarship when I was in NAFA. Back then, it offers BA. After I graduated, it changes it's policy and only offer MA. I had no choice but apply for my BA in UK. I finish my BA...but did not to rush back for the interview 3 years ago...because i was in love with someone whom I thought is more important than my dream. I was wrong. I missed my chance. Then, I came back with a broken heart. I thought I shall wait. For another 3 years. And now, It is time again to continue this dream, yet...I was told...they intend to cancel it.
Though it was not finalise yet, but the potential of it...is making me cry already.

I feel so angry that I was not even given the chance to try.

I am crying even now...while I am typing because I am angry.

Now...my mind is a blank...

I don't know how to continue my plan now.

Uk again or Holland?...SG?

NAFA or Lasalle? Sotheby?

Stay in SG or Thailand or Holland or UK?

Which scholarship?...Scotland? NAC?? LOTTERY?

What kind of art?

What kind of job can feed me???

I am thinking...as if I can think...

My mind is incapable of logistics anymore.

I can only weep. Crying over something I cannot control.

Maybe this scholarship is not meant for me.

Maybe it is my fate to be NOT FATED to be.

Let's hope they change their mind.

I would accept my fate if I applied and they did not choose me.

But...not when they did not even give me a chance to try.