Numb sensation...

To feel numb is actually not to feel anything. Hence, numbness is a realisation not a sensation. It is concluded and not felt. This is exactly what has been happening to me lately. I have concluded that I had been numb lately. I feel nothing. I hate this kind of feeling or rather I hate the feeling that I cannot feel a thing. It is as if I am no longer living. But then to a certain extend I am grateful to this numbness as it takes away any kind of sensation which includes pain. Pain in the mind not my skin. Maybe I am suffering at this very moment which I do not know because I am too numb now to realise that, and I am thankful to that. It is as if I can control my mental nerves to stop working and make them stop sending signals to my brain telling me that I may be mentally in pain. But then, sorry to repeat, I hate this feeling that I cannot feel a thing. Without the pain would also mean without joy. Simply because, I am numb, remember? To not feel a thing would include not feel the joy as well. However, no joy does not necessary mean sadness. No joy only means no joy. Numbness is just nothing. I am beginning to wonder if this is the so-called enlightenment one can achieve. If that is the case, I hope I am not that enlightened yet. As for numbness, I shall blame the miserable weather for it, while I know it will go away. Finally, I would rather cry and suffer because I know love and happiness comes with it.