23rd...watever days...

I have lose my patient finally...
I can't stand myself not doing anything....
I do enjoy holiday...

But...I have been doing nothing for more than 2 months...
not as if I literally sleep for 2 month...
I am busy on and off..meeting people...shopping....new year...

But NOTHING IS DONE!
NO INCOME!
NO PRODUCTION!

NOOOOOO!!!!!...

Have to start working...cannot stand seeing myself wasting my life like that...


Really felt like studying again...
If not...at least start working...

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Suddenly felt very useless these few days....
live with my family like a retiree....
felt like I am living my parents retirement life....
like I am retiring with them....
SHIT!.....this is horrible....
If this goes on....
I will go crazy...


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Yesterday.....I lay on the sofa and think really hard....
about him....
very very hard....
and I no longer felt sad...
no longer felt painful...

Maybe it was not painful anymore...
maybe it was too painful...until I am too numb to feel...
maybe I am just used to it...

watever the reason...

No more tears...

But I do miss him...sometimes....
Not all the time now....


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Suddenly it is scary...
I am beginning to doubt my own ability....
I dun noe what I want to do...
Dun noe what I want...
Dun noe my future...
Dun noe where to go...
Dun noe who to love...

BUT there is one thing I know...

I MUST LEAVE THIS PLACE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE !!!!...

before I rot and die here....

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Today....woke up at 2pm...

sleep at 4am yesterday night....

Took 15 minutes to eat lunch....
hop onto my father's car...and head for the market
Did grocery for the week....

And came home...

watch TV....
eat dinner....

watch TV....

Online....

Going to sleep soon...