Ohhh...

Utterly in love with this man.
Viggo Mortensen....aka Aragorn, son of arathorn.
How can any women not love him.
If you know what I mean.

281204

I only got to know about the Tsunami wave yesterday..

My friend told me about it....doesn't sound so serious until my mum call me just now....it was the headlines here as well...It makes me start to wonder if I am pursuing a wrong thing here....if the wrong is coming to an end....
But then....singapore is really lucky...

Too lucky.

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opps...

I didn't work and work as usual like I would...I had a 2 days holiday at home watching Lord of the ring DVD....plus Hotelier...korean drama...never been as peaceful and happy since I have arrive...

Merry christmas to everybody.

281204

So many tears I cried....

I cried and cried while I was watching a movie yesterday night....
The movie, Together with you. By Chen Kaige.
SUPER INSPIRING!

setting up... 

About honesty...

It "pays" to be honest.
This happen to me today. The school registra got mix up and send me a cheque for my scholarship and on top of it deduct my fees. Which means I am double paid....While I am delighted with their mixed up...I am guilty. So, I pop by the finance dept and told them about it. They were at a lost as to realise a discrepency of £2000 which is S$6000, and dun noe how to dealt with it immediately, they ask me to come back tomoro. I regretimmediately.I shouldn't have pop by...becos from the way they are flipping thru pages and searching for records...they clearly dun noe what is going on....and even if I eventually graduate....they might probably thought I have settle my fess and pay me extra for scholarship....and this is my lesson today. But then, It is not a too bad thing, becos I should feel proud to be honest though it "pays".

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This christmas...

I am going to work, work and work.

This friend again

A friend of mine and I have not seen him for more than a year. He always has been an enlightenment for me almost each time we talk and this is still the case when I met up with him today. He is always very positive and always remind me of something, a thought or things I wanted to and should do...but forget to do because of reality, the thing that makes people forget that they should be dreaming. I am happy simply because he wake me up from reality and bring me back to my dream. It is my dream that I wanted to live in, not reality. Today, he reminded me. 3 things that he said today wake me up. One, NEVER BE A COMPLAIN ARTIST. I never complain, but I know I am not happy with things and I JUST LEAVE THINGS AS IT IS, AND DID NOT EVEN ATTEMPT TO RESOLVE THEM, I just leave it. This is as bad as a complain artist even if I didn’t really complain. Two, JUST DO IT!....dun have to care what the others are doing or not doing, dun have to care about the environment and whatever shit is going on how bad the art has become....dun care, heck care just do what you want to do and that’s it, that simple....dun have to complicate things, and learn to be grateful to all the fundings that are still coming in. That should be the way, I used to be like that, and I absolutely forget about that. Three, a quote from Guo Bao Kun, 艺术仅次于生命. And that is it. That is the most important thing in my life which I sort of forget it along the way and he reminded me. Art comes after life. Life is the most important aspect and then my art. If I dun have a life, I won’t have art. And all this, he reminded me. Finally, my life, enough of reality, and it is time now to go back to my dreams.

131203

Go do something beautiful please...

Do something beautiful.
I like this expression...
Sleep is beautiful....eat is....love is......


101204

I lied

I lied.
I told everyone I am 25, which I am not.
I am going to be though in a few months time.
I did it unconsciously at first when people start asking me how old I am.
It was all about the “rounding-off” habit I have with time.
23, 24 or 25 all means 25.
Hopefully, strategically 26 and 27 is also 25.
But then...28, 29 and 30 would sadly means 30.
you know what I mean....
Then it was about getting use to time.
It all happens when I became 22.
My 22 was like in a trance.
Until now, I still couldn’t figure out how I spent it...but nevertheless it was spent.
Then 23...just come and go.
24.....I am actually 24 now...but I tell people I am 25 already.
Which means...my 24 is gone.
This is really an attempt to prepare myself for the fact that I am going to be 25 soon.
And...anyway, who cares if I am 24 or 25, I really see no difference.
Though I know there is.

101204

This friend

I thought I kind of like this friend of mine and I would still like to address why I like him. I like him because he is very DIFFERENT from me! A lot of things. In terms of believe, and way of seeing things....although there are things we have in common, we have a lot of conflicting thoughts. the fact that he is different show me what I am. So many things. And he is the only few guys I really felt comfortable walking side by side with. He is also the only few who will give me very harsh critic, and very frank ones becos he says he has got a very high expectation of me. He is inspiring at times and show me light occasionally. I like this friend of mine, though I wont say he is a soulmate. He is someone I can talk to frankly.

Fingered-tied

I've got millions to say a few days ago....now...i am mentally blocked and fingered-tied t type....totally forget what I want to say...horrible.

Ever since i come back from London...I realise a lot of things...

UK is the TOMB for ART...especially London.
It is about making big money.
Nothing to do with passion...or maybe passion for money.

That is the commercial side of it.

All become tasteless and boring.

I am determine to finish my course and GET OUT OF IT!

ZHE LI DE YI SHU YUAN LAI YI DIAN DOU BU XIAO SA .

and so...forget it.

Sayonara.

About London...

I HATE IT!
DUN LIKE THIS PLACE....ABSOLUTELY HATE IT!
THOUGH THE SHOPPING IS NICE....I WILL NEVER CHOOSE TO STAY HERE...
MAKES ME CLAUSTROPHOBIC!

Tired....

I am tired...

New girl...me?

You have no idea how many people I have work with in this restaurant since the day it opens....I was told by the head chef who is bonded by the boss....that 8 staff was “chase away” by the boss for the first week....and..subsequently...since I start working in this restaurant....I lost count of how many colleagues come and go...I make a lot of friends though...but they just left....I will try to name a few whom I still remember their names...while the rest...at least a dozen of them...when I say a dozen...i really mean a dozen...(at least 12 or more) they left even before I got time to ask their names...and at least 5 or 6 left after my boss ask me to pay them a horribly miserable sum of money....
The first few colleagues are Kelly who left...and she still calls me occassionaly...Amy..left to study never see her again...Jenny..went back to Malaysia.....Ken left for another restaraunt....Nicole works in Ayr now....Ah Juan...found another job...Ah mun went to London and back to Malaysia...Leo left for Manchester...Daisy left recently..Ah Zheng went to London....Ah fei found another job...Ah yan jie in London.....there are 2 Ah qing...one married the chef and stop working..anonther left....in between...they are Rina...whom I have not work with....but I know her becos Nicole tell me a lot about her...A Maggie...whom I saw only once...the girl with a pair of thick glasses becos the boss think she cannot see....Xiao mei who left last week....Ah rui...who worked for 3 days...Steven...one of my first few colleagues., one Malysian guy whom I thought is a malay but is a Chinese but I forget his name...another Malaysian , another Jenny...a shy girl...., another a girl whom I gave her a mint before she left the restaurant.., Ah shan...whom the boss suspect steal her money...another girl..quite pretty and the kitchen staff loves her but didn’t stay for long and never come back...a guy who worked for 5 hours and sent home by the boss....and numerous (more than 20..and I am not exarggerating)who came for a work trial..of 2 hours and left,,,whom I never get to see but get to hear about them from all my colleagues........about how they are being scruntinise by my boss...and as usual...my boss will tell them...to go home and wait for her to call....which she never do....
So according to my above statistic...there should be at least 40 people who had worked in this restaurant ...including the 2 hours ones....50(or more) people left...in 11 mth...makes roughly 5 a month..which means 1 every 6 days....sigh...and this figures EXCLUDE the kitchen staff...people like Ah Ming shifu...another Ah min ge..Ah qiu, Jin Mao,..Ah bin...another guy who always call me jie guo jie jie...numerous dish washing guy...I couldn’t be bother even to find out their names nowadays...who knows how long they will stay.....I lost count but I bet there are more than 20 kitchen staffs who left.....
The biggest joke of all one day...after my 3 days off....and I went back to work...a new Kitchen dish-washing girl saw me walking into the kitchen....and give me a “who is this new girl” look....she is only “3 day old” in the restaurant...and she actually already seen at least 4 new girl reporting to work and get sack....so when she saw me...she thought I was a new girl...and she told the chef... “look! Another new girl”....I was so amused...and the kitchen staff all burst out into laughter....yeah...I am new...I only work 11month for this boss...

Thru the looking glass...

Opps...if you are feeling lost and wonder why are you reading some stranger's blog...you are at the right place. It really freaks me out a bit to realise that more people is going to "see me naked"...by reading my thoughts...but then...who cares...I dun noe you and you dun noe me....enjoy!..and sorry if you find me boring..which I really am. How is the show by the way...i haven even seen the other works yet.

20/11/2004

Too much pride...

I hate to go to EMA...ABSOLUTELY HATE IT!
I WILL NEVER STEP INTO IT UNLESS I REALLY HAVE NO CHOICE..which I am always left with no choice and i hate it....I AM GOING TO STOP ALL MY DIGITAL INTENTION AND STOP DOING ANY VIDEO AND ONLINE STUFF IN IT.....I DUN WANT TO PRODUCE ANYTHING IN A PLACE I AM NOT COMFORTABLE TO STAY IN!...it all goes back to the same reason that I am NEVER comfortable among the people here...although I know..there are stuff I will eventually need to use EMA...but then EVRYTHING IS GOING TO BE REDUCE TO MINIMAL...no more website...no more video!

FINAL!
END OF STORY.

Oh yeah...that makes 2..

I am touched...that someone is reading..other than me.....that makes 2..or maybe 3...better than none...thanks...

The saddest...

I just check my online stats...to show that I only have 9 views...to my blog today...and that nine views...were done by only ONE unique vistors...who is..actually...MYSELF!...becos I have posted 9 posting...and each time I post...I view my blog...what an irony...that all this time...I am the only person reading and writing my own blog...maybe I should just go back to my pen and paper and write my good old papered..diary.....maybe...

151104

Analytical review of the Power struggle

I can feel the POWER STRUGGLE in the restaurant....since this Monday...everybody want to be somebody...and me...still me. It’s like I can feel thr rush...like I previously mentioned...but this rush has become nasty...at first...it was just the flow of nature...then it proceed to become the evil forces of power and strength...altogether..they are 5 full time staff on the floor now. Ah Lan, Ah Qing, Ah Yan, Ah May and Xiao Mei....names according to their status... me the part-time staff who ironically is the IN-Charge when the boss is not around.

My job, is to stand at the front line to whoever comes in the restaurant and bring them or allocates sittings....take drink orders....be responsible of all money transaction at the cashier. To be the bartender occasionally, clear plates, fold napkins....Plus doing PR with customers dealing with customers complains and request...taking phone calls for reservations and make stock orders for the chef....

Ah Lan being the longest staying staff after me is made the next potential successor of being the IN-CHARGE in the restaurant...however, that will not be possible becos she dun speak English and cannot communicate well with customers...however...she is smart and willing to learn and hardworking...and the boss like her...she is now in charge of the bar and all the stock ordering for drinks....and she will look out also for the girls in charge of the buffet food...as she is previously in charge of that....if Ah Lan can speak English well....she would be the best person to be the restaurant manager...even better than me....

Ah Qing, very capable as well in terms of running the floor as servers and plate-clearing is able to run the floor without problem taking drinks order and allocate seats( which Ah Lan is also capable of)....often can clear an average of more than 10 plates per round....is as willing to learn as Ah Lan though not as smart...she is hardworking as well...unfortunately like Ah LAn...Ah Qing dun speak English....and she is not as familiar with the bar...but learning to work the tile....

Ah Yan...very sweet girl...hardworking as well and very helpful....also equally eager to learn like the rest of the girls...however she is in charge of the buffet station and sometimes the floor to help clear plate and take drink orders....so not speak English like the rest of the girls....

Ah May...the black horse. That might change the whole situation in the restaurant...becos she speak a little English , from Malaysia. Although she is a new comer and her main job are all side jobs such as polishing cutleries and fold napkins and refill salt and pepper...and also to help take drinks clear plates...becos she is new...she is suppose to know how to do everything before she cam learn other staff...but she skip the part where she have to undergo bar training and she is doing some of the tile....becos she speaks English. And that is HER ASSET!...so in the end...she might be the best candidates in the boss eye to be the NEXT successor of being the manager after Nicole and Daisy left...as for me...the part time...I AM FOREVER ONLY A PART-TIME...so whoever can be in charge is a good news to me...and I can do less things....

Xiao mei, who used to be kitchen staff...doing the dishes is PROMOTED to be incharge of the buffet.....with Ah Yan and mentor..Ah Lan and Ah Qing used to run the buffet but now get promoted to run the floor....

And so...everybody seem to be in the right place at a glance but with the empty post of “person-in-charge” still empty....all the position become sensitive and atmosphere changing......

The only thing that is still constant...is ME.

111104
( Just a few days after this blog was writen...I was told that Xiao-mei resign and left...sigh...I am not surprise.)

Over-prescribe?

A few weeks ago...i went for an eye test...my optician told me my spec was over-prescribe. And so...I have been looking with an over-prescibe lenses...which means I have been looking more clearly?...or seeing things clearer than I should?....lol...my optician say..it is forcing my eye to work harder....then it should..straining it....in actual fact, I believe there is only one point where it was the clearest...and any other points will be blur...But why is my over-prescribe lens VERY Clear to me...my optician’s reply was becos ...my eye had get used to the over-prescribe condition....which means...my eyesight has become well adapt and worse becos of my over-prescribe spec...and how would he know?.. .if my eye-sight has become worse..that would mean my spec is just right for me and would not be over-prescribe....ahh...all too confusing....but one definitely conclusion from him...is to get a new spec...whahaha.....must be one of his marketing skill to make people make new specs...but I would say...his eye test is really professional....according to him...he needs to get a degree to be a professional optician.....ok...ok...I get that....and I feel it myself...I need a new spec...which I cannot afford...so forget it...I shall live with my over-prescribe spec as long as my eye can take it.


121104

Shut up!...and go write your essay...!

10 days to deadlines...which I actually have less than 10 days...becos out of that 10 days...I had to go to school...go to work...attend a seminar in edinburgh and start to be a tour guide from the 20th onwards...which means...I have 6 or less day...or...5 days...or 4 days...or 3....or...NONE!.....WHAT THE F**K!..I am scaring myself....shut up and go back to the essay...you a**hole!

141104
(Notice that all my blogs are written on the 141104...which means I am writing so much of something...but not what I am supposed to be writing...)

XX vs XY

Suddenly...i feel puzzled...by the obsession of women making themselves pretty. The roles change totally...between a male and female....while you thought dolling ourselves up is a female instinct...that is not the case for the animal kingdom...who are suppose to be more primitive than us...in another words....dressing up...should be a male instinct rather than a female. Look at David Beckham....the perfect male species with the right instinct. And what’s wrong with women?....do we have to dress ourselves up to attract males in the first place. I thought they are suppose to be attractive to attract our attention so that we will choose them as father of our child... Or rather...they should be attractive enough for us to choose them, to be exact their sperms for our eggs.....that is how nature function isn’t it? Look at the rooster and hen....Roosters had to do a lot of work to make themselves attractive apart from the crown on their heads...they had to be the ones to wake up before everybody....Look at the peacocks.....spread their tails and seduce the ladies....and so on and on.......
In genetic term....sorry to embarrass myself if my facts are not accurates....but according to what I know....the genes of a female is XX and male is XY...in another words to a simpler understanding....a female is double female...and a male is half female and half male......and on top of this bad news to all the males out there.... genetically YY is impossible...hence there is no such things as PURE MALE....which means...a women is PURE WOMEN...and MEN are impure women with Y deficiency......sorry guys out there if this spoils your mood...BUT IT IS A FACT!...before I stray away and lost my initial point of my amusement about why women are obsess about dolling themselves up becos it is not required in nature sense for us to do so....it is perfectly normal to occasionally dress up to assure ourselves of our own beings....just to make ourselves happy....and not for the guys benefit.....and for me... I hate to dress up.....I am too lazy....although I occasionally did.


141104

Deadlines...

I have a feeling I am going to be very happy by 24th Nov....that is the day where one of my biggest agony so far comes to an end....the deadline of my essay...good or bad...i have to hand in.

141104

LoVe-HaTe...RelAtiOnSHiP

There is always this love-heat relationship between me and winter. Although our relationship only started last year. Hate it for the simple reason of making me feeling cold. Feeling cold which associate with the fact that I am not well protected?...from the cold?....makes people feel lethargic and lazy...makes people hungry ...slows down everything......Love it....for the very same reason....and on top of it...it gives me the biggest excuse to eat as much as I like...and not feeling guilty...as I will tell myself...it is ok...becos I am feeling cold and my body need me to eat more so that it can burn more fats to keep myself warm...how can I not love winter for this very reason...even if that is the only reason which is not.

141104

Eat eat eat...

I have been fueling myself with food for the whole day...but it never seems to be enough...my body must be working very hard now....becos it is burning a lot of fat to keep myself warm...no wonder I keep feeling very tired.


141104

Deep in thoughts...of thinking

As usual, in the mids of urgent rush and deadlines...I write more junks than the actual essay....junks such as this. ...at 3.24am. This is not unusual...as I like to be distracted by my own thoughts. I like the idea that thoughts take over my rational. I like the way I think suddenly when I am suppose to be in deep concentration. This is me. Confusing...

141104

A book review...

Reading Sadie Plant’s Zero+Ones...I would say...I feel proud to be a women. This posting is intented to be a book review by the way. For ladies...please go and read this book...for ladies who are technophobic....please go and read this book...for ladies who are technogeek...please go and read this book...for ladies who hate computers...please go and read this book......as for the men...which I almost forget....PLEASE also go and read this book...to realise what is really going on.....And we women are THE ONES!.... bottom line......PLEASE GO AND READ IT!

141104

Yet another weather report...

It is strange that weather can change in a matter of seconds. But it is not suppose to be strange if it happens in Glagsow.

141104

Cold Toes...

My toes are feeling cold at this very instant....3.30am...14th Nov...2004...and by the way, my fingers too.

Me...A cyborg?

I was amused by myself just now while I was testing my typing skill...i suspect I can type my words without looking at the key board...or maybe not...but I can type without looking at half of my keyboard....and imagine the position of some letters without actually seeing it. This is what I call the fusion of mechanical tools with human intelligent...or maybe not so much of intelligence but adaptability. While I am getting used to this way of expressing....I need to further fuse the position of the letters in my visual memory like I know where I keep all my vocab in my brian ....although my typing speed is nothing to be proud of compare to many...but is already something proud enuff...compare to myself one year ago. Last year, I remember I can only type with 2 fingers one at a time....now...with both hands...ten fingers...this is what Donna Haraway meant by...being a cyborg. I can feel myself cybrogizing with my new ability to hypertexting my thoughts and express them in letters.... As if I am NEO...in Matrix...I am beginning to see it....the zeros and ones...the binaries among the flesh and skin. Suddenly it all become scary....


141104

Green Tea overdose

I have never heard of Green tea-overdose...but here I am...feeding myself cups and cups of green tea to let myself stay awake. It was suppose to be one of my secret weapons to stay awake at night to do overnight work....but nowadays...I am losing my grip...and I am suffering from green tea overdose symdrome of feeling sleepy despite after drinking many cups of it...but whenever I have decided to go to sleep and wave my white flag ...I cant sleep...what is this?....is this some kind of joke....what is preventing me from working?...I know what...It got to do with the deadline...it was still one week away...not close enough to drive me crazy....but that is not the point....I dun want to do it sooo rush that I dun have time to make admendment...I want it to be done before the deadline...and make changes....! I hate this...but I just have to live with it....this is me...

141104

BAd situation...

Today, I was depressed for half an hour at work. Becos I did not handle a situation well enuff. 2 groups of people, a group of 6 and a group of 12....the 6s came in first and I gave them the big seats....but turn out that the 12 who came in din have the big seats.....the BAD situation occurs when first, was a miss communication. AH lan my colleague who doesn’t understand English do not understand what the 12s want unknowingly allows them to alter the restaurant sitting formation to join the tables....when realise something was not right, she runs to me and tell me....I step in and stop them....and look rather unhappy with them...that was when my colleague say she dun noe why they are moving the tables. And it was impolite to anyhow move restaurant formation without informing person in charge....but...the 12 says that they told my colleague and she say ok....I know it was all a miscommunication and nobody is at fault, becos she dun understand what they are saying. They apologise becos they say how cross I looked when I see they reshuffle all the tables and as we know it was a miscommunication....I told them I will try to find them somewhere to fit 12 of them in a line....meanwhile the big group of 6....I decided to request them to shift and “give way”....but then...it will be impolite to move people in the middle of their meal....which I am stuck.....I ask them politely...and they jokingly ask if they can get a discount....I told them I am not the boss and cannot decide on such things...but seriously I would give them a round of drinks if I am the boss. I told them the round of drinks is pay a day....and I cant do that....I apologise even though I know they are joking....and says forget it....and let they continue to stay on the big seats....while I was thinking of any possibilities of joining tables to make up a 12 seaters.....suddenly....the 6 guys pick up their plates and beer glasses....and started to change over to the other seats....I am touched.....I went to thank them but I apologise again saying I wont be able to give them any discount.....along the way...the guys ordered a few rounds of drinks and ask me the if they get rounds of free drinks and I rejected them politely. Especially when my boss is back...then....at the very end...their last round of drinks...I hold the order and put it in my pocket....I gave them a round of last drinks....which is about a 10% discount....WITHOUT MY BOSS KNOWING IT!..They paid without knowing that I gave them a free round and only left me a 40 pence tip.......I went to their table back facing my boss and whisper to the guys that the last round of drinks is on the house and sorry about moving them around.....they look confuse and ask me again as they thought I am buying them drinks....and I told them is ON THE HOUSE and NOT ON ME....which means I treat them free drink without my boss knowing....we gave one another smiles and nods....and they thank me........2 minutes later...a guy from the 6 come to me and gave me a £5 tip. They left and I smile and thank them and full of apology....

I am depress with this incident becos I feel bad when customers are not happy. Feel bad towards the 12 people...becos of the miscommunication....and I should have find out more before I look a bit angry with them and stop them.....I really feel bad and hope I did not spoil their celebration....and with that 6 guys...I hope I have more authorities in the future to gave customers rounds of drinks or discount when unpleasant situation occurs.....becos it is too silly to do things behind my boss back which is CORRECT!....and I hope I dun make their day feel weird, which they initially thought I am buying drinks for them with my own pay !.....and they probably feel bad....lol....

I like being a waitress....it makes me happy when people are happy....that is why I am depress when I din manage to handle the situation smooth enough in time...though rectify in the end...but CAN BE BETTER...definitely.

However, about this job....I am beginning to feel the pressure. That everybody is pinning on me to do things. And pinning on me to cover up for them when they made a mistake. This is the case nowadays in the restaurant. And everybody wants to learn everything but I can only teach one at a time. It is of course easier for me to do it alone but someone has to learn it...and do my job when I am not around....and this is the part I am in a dilemma...if I teach one and dun teach another...I will be unfair...but teaching all will be confusing and confuse the running of the restaurant. People should have specific duty.....so that things are not done repeatedly...or nobody do something,.....it is like a vacuum, becos 3 staff quit their job last week and create a vacuum for people to to rush in and fill up the space....and the impact is ON ME....becos I am like the tunnel for the rushing in...becos whoever rush in...have to first pass thru me.....I get angry with them occasionally nowadays which I never do in the past....and I dun like this.

081104-091105

The AuRa...

Today is the day which my aura for romance is slightly higher than usual..... It begins from the bus stop where I waited for my bus....this uncle...was waiting for bus 9 and had been waiting for ages...and we began to talk casually...oh...then I realise he is the same uncle I saw a few days ago....and at the same time in the same bus stop....waiting for the same bus....this is what I will call fate. And so to both our amusement we started to chat. He is a Pakistan Tandoori chef and work in an Indian restaurant just across the street....and I jokingly ask if the restaurant is hiring....anyway...i told him I am studying and working...and blah blah....and he ask for my name and numbers....which of cos....I did not gave him. He offer to gave me his number...but I rejected him...becos I told him I will not call. I am just being frank.....but he was friendly.....he asked if I could take a walk with him along the street to the next bus stop which is just very near but I rejected again...partly becos it is not safe obviously walking off with a strange man I met only twice though he dun look like a baddie, but mainly because it was drizzling and my shoes are torn and absorbs rain. And so....to my relieve my bus eventually came and I wave goodbye with a smile....On my way back....from the bus stop to my house....I pass by the usual few mama shops along the street....went into the one where I had been yesterday where I try to collect my lottery winning...yesterday’s winning ticket was rejected becos I went in too late so I try again today...that same guy who was in the shop yesterday with the uncle at the mama shop and know about my winning was smiling at me....and I told him I brought my ticket today....he tried to process but my claim was rejected by the machine which all of us are puzzled about...I tried 3 times and failed to collect my winning.....but then...maybe this guy find me silly becos I look too happy just becos I win a £10...and he ask for my name...and where I am from.....we smile to each other and he told me to come in the morning to try again while I wave goodbye....and say I WILL BE BACK to collect my winning!...and so on the same day...2 pakistani at 2 different places ask for my name. I am beginning to wonder why I attract people from this region....isst becos of my hair....I really dun know....maybe I will ask the guy in the mama shop next time....or maybe...they are just being friendly...and I too sensitive. By the way, did I ever tell you guys I have a Pakistan ICQ friend who always say I am his Chinese princess....LOL...

Fallen...

The guy ask me what song it was....I though he was referring to George Michael’s Careless whisper....but it turn out to be something else. I am not surprised that people like this song, because this is one of my favourite. Whenever I introduce this song to people, it becomes someone’s favourite. Wendy loves this...and Yahui too. I remember hearing this song once in a Taxi...I was lost in a dream listening to it....I remember hearing this song somewhere some place, it always put a smile on me. I am so glad, that they love it. That guy and his group of friends. They say, they are musicians and they perform in Glasgow for one night only. They say this is a wonderful song and lovely music. I fully agree. This song, ladies and gentlemen....Fallen, Lauren Wood. From Pretty Women soundtrack..... ‘you are the one whose led me to the sun....how could I know, I would lost without you....I can’t believe it...you’re the dream coming true, I can’t believe how I have fallen for you....’

Gambler's word

Occassionally, I am tempted. To become a professional gambler. I though gambling is fun, if money is not involve....er....or maybe, it will not be fun anymore if money is not involved ....ah whatever....for me and the rest of the gamblers in the world....it will be it’s best when money is involve and winning....in whatever case, people will lose. This is the biggest irony. The saddest. The pain. However, things like lottery is a little different. It involves a little more. That is, ANTICIPATION. To hope for something or to be wishful is a very enjoyable emotion. At least, it makes people happy. To buy lottery is not only to buy a luck, but also to buy a moment of happiness. The moment which started from the point when you buy the lottery ticket to the point when you know the results. Even if you did not win in the end, you earn that moment of happiness. It is like spending a pound buying a bar of chocolate will rise your euphoria content in your body to make you happy, spending a pound buying a chance should give you the same bliss or more. So, to conclude, I would rather spend a pound buying lottery then to buy a bar of chocolate because first thing first, I hate chocolate which is besides the point, but most importantly judging from the after effect, a lottery ticket could give you a chance to buy as many bar of chocolates as you can ever eat and even if you dun win in the end would only mean a wee bit of disappointment that is nothing compare to a bar of chocolate which can make you FAT!

I am tempted. And so I bought the lottery last Saturday. Wishing and hoping to win the 10Million Birthday draw. I could see a 10 in my mind...and I can feel it sooo strongly. Indeed, in the end, I win....£10. Better than nothing. And you know what, I am with all smiles when I know I win, £10 is not only better than nothing, it is a happy thing. Even the India uncle in the mama shop can feel my joy, he is smiling too when he saw how happy I was when he told me 3 number out of 6 means I win £10.

Glasgow fireworks

To watch the fireworks alone is weird. Not the part about watching fireworks but the part about watching it alone is weird. Despite the fact that I am in the middle of 92 000 people in Glasgow Green, I felt more alone among the crowds than I am at home. At least one out of one people in my own room knows me which is myself. But among 92 000 people....it is the loneliest thing I have choosen to do since I arrive in Glasgow. However, watching fireworks is another issue. It was at the very moment when the fireworks started, that I throw the world behind me. It was then that the world is left with me, the sky, the sound and the fireworks. It was then that I am not alone. But right after the very last sparkle disappear....I am alone again, naturally.
051104

Numb sensation...

To feel numb is actually not to feel anything. Hence, numbness is a realisation not a sensation. It is concluded and not felt. This is exactly what has been happening to me lately. I have concluded that I had been numb lately. I feel nothing. I hate this kind of feeling or rather I hate the feeling that I cannot feel a thing. It is as if I am no longer living. But then to a certain extend I am grateful to this numbness as it takes away any kind of sensation which includes pain. Pain in the mind not my skin. Maybe I am suffering at this very moment which I do not know because I am too numb now to realise that, and I am thankful to that. It is as if I can control my mental nerves to stop working and make them stop sending signals to my brain telling me that I may be mentally in pain. But then, sorry to repeat, I hate this feeling that I cannot feel a thing. Without the pain would also mean without joy. Simply because, I am numb, remember? To not feel a thing would include not feel the joy as well. However, no joy does not necessary mean sadness. No joy only means no joy. Numbness is just nothing. I am beginning to wonder if this is the so-called enlightenment one can achieve. If that is the case, I hope I am not that enlightened yet. As for numbness, I shall blame the miserable weather for it, while I know it will go away. Finally, I would rather cry and suffer because I know love and happiness comes with it.

Too numb to feel the heart beats....

I have been heartless lately....or maybe it is simply too cold and numb for me to feel that my heart is still beating. Sometimes...i suspect i am heartless...especially when i keep telling people i dun really miss home.One thing for sure, I dun call home. I never have the habit to...but occassional upon request...I will make a short phone call phone to tell everybody i am fine. Today, i call home. As usual, we talk about the same thing.....the same people, same problem. But today, something is different. My mum told me she sprain her waist and had problem walking properly. Suddenly her voice sound different. Not as if her pitch chamge or she speak in a different language....but it was me. Her voice sound different, becos i suddenly realise my mum is getting old....just one year away from home...and she is old suddenly...well maybe not suddenly but I only realise it now...and this realisation almost make me cry....perhaps i have been too heartless to notice anything nowadays... perhaps...I am just being too self-centred to notice anything...perhaps...I am just numb...numb becos of the cold and miserable weather here....too numb to even feel my own heart beats...

The guy like sunshine...

Yah...that guy like sunshine. Yesterday i did a stupid thing...he ask me to join him and his friends for dinner....I agree...then...change my mind last minute...because i felt too akward to be around....reason being...the group only consist of his girlfriend and 2 other of his personal friend....and not the school mates i know....akward...so I kindly find a stupid reason to change my mind...and say that that place is too far away....and i dun want to go....stupid reason...I know...and i also noe...i should avoid falling in love with him at all cost.

I can feel it...

I can feel it...that kind of feeling....that you lost contact with everybody....and some of them....just disapppear in your life...maybe this is life...people will not be forever by ur side....people come and go....or maybe it is just a balance....some people come....some people go....and yes...i can feel that some friends in life is gone.....just gone....while for some...i am the one who left them.

Autumn is missing!

I know it is getting cold...especially when my hands still feels cold even after I stuff them into my pockets....and I know it feels cold...when I need to wear more than a T-shirt at home...I know it is cold...when I see more leaves on the walk way than on the trees...where have autumn gone...it should be autumn now...but it feels like winter already...autumn only lasted a week....

I smile...

I smile when I hear nice song....I love it...

It makes me think...

Someone said this....

Reading a book means thinking through others mind instead of our own.

To me, I think this statement also applys to watching a TV drama or movie....or maybe reading a blog...
That kind of detachment of oneself to become somebody else is relieving...not as if my life is in agony...just that it can be boring to always only be ourself...yah something like this...

This is one of those days....

The wind howls and brollies struggle ...all I can see is ground covered with fallen autumn leaves...and then...the rain...
The rain is not the most irritating thing but irritates when it comes with the wind...
The wind is not irritating as well but becomes nasty when it is cold...
The cold is not so bad but gets miserable when it rains....
The 3 of them in Glasgow...likes to come hand in hand..which sometimes makes Glasgow...
An irritating, nasty and misreable place to be in.
Other than that....each on it's own....the rain, the wind and the cold are quite a nice thing.

This is one of those days....
where I am wet and cold....and my brollies tries to fly away....
This is one of those days...which gives me a weird feeling of tranquility.

In the mood for words....

Suddenly...when I was reading one of my conversation with Yahui.....I was reminded that I was actually a bit attracted to this guy half a year ago....a guy from some other department... I dun want to mention his name because I suspect the chances of him reading my blog is very high....becos I am announcing my blog to the public soon....the idea of him existing somewhere in my mind is very “slippery”....it’s not like I am crazily infatuated with him.....or secrectly in love with him.. he will be occupying my mind for an instance whenever I see a smile from him...and after that....that’s it...he will not be always on my mind and I will not miss him. I will not look out for him when I am in school or stare at him unconsciously if he is around.....anyway...just nothing...BUT....there is one thing....I feel comfortable whenever I talk to him....he is a nice guy. And I can feel that he is listening when I am talking....like in one presentation...I can sense him listening....I can see from the look in his eye that he is attentive .....and most importantly...I feel comfortable when he is around.
I felt quite alien even until now when I attend school function like openings and lectures....it’s like....even though I already know some of the people, I felt awkward to talk to them....I felt awakward...simply walking around...is like...very alien and unwelcome....but at least when he is around sometimes...I will feel slightly just slightly...at ease....seriously....I dun have any special feelings for this guy....but I like him. You know...like....as in....just like...saying....I like the rainbow....suddenly out of the blue...you see it...and you feel happy...but then it’s either you have to go....or the rainbow....or maybe rainbow is not appropriate enough....becos rainbow actually excites me....perhaps....is like.....the sun in glasgow.....YAH!...that’s it....the sun....becos I never really particularly like the sun usually especially when I was in Singapore....but then....when the sun comes out occasionally in Glasgow...it’s makes you feel warm and comfortable.....might not be there all the time...and I will not miss it....but once it comes out....I can feel it.....and have to like it...becos it’s warm and friendly....that kind kind of feeling.

15/10/2004
2am

I am a DAMN LUCKY girl....today is my final tutorial.....and I am supposed to meet my tutor for a FINAL “SHOWDOWN” for my essay....but I decide to fall asleep yesterday night and not continue what I have not finish....I have my reasons though....because I have just got hold of a new book which is quite crucial to my essay and I intend to make some serious reconstruction...while I am a bit worried on my way to school about how I am going to explain to my tutor about my situation....she throw a ball to me instead...by telling me....she haven read my essay becos I am the last on her list and she din have time to even start reading it....WHAT?.....what kind of ghost luck am I having....I was smiling to myself when she told me this.........heaven is always sooo good to me....so we arrange for a make up tutorial....which gave me another week....meanwhile I told her about my NEW PLAN...and she agree to assess the possibility of an extension for my essay...LIFE is beautiful.....and things happen nicely to you...when you are sincerely cherishing every bit of it!....meanwhile....thanks to my tutor...she has been very encouraging about my research....and patient with my work attitude...because I am a very last minute person...she had been very accommodating.....thanks...
15/10/2004
3am


Today...I spend about less than a minute to decide to end my job in the Chinese buffet restaurant which I have been working for 10 months. This is actually already countless of times I attempt to quit....the last time...was when my boss unscrupulously try to cut my pay by changing her pay scheme from paying me £4/hour to paying me £35 a day. This is scheming because a full day job lasted 10.5 hours....x4 should be £42....but she only offer £35....come on....even a primary school kid can work this simple mathematical sum out....who is she trying to kid!...I am already considered seriously underpaid even when she pay me £4/hour....moreover....NO TIPS IS BEING SHARED AT ALL!!!!!! She keeps all the tips to herself...I really dun noe why I am still working for her until now....but I wont say there is no incentive at all working in her restaurant......becos working in a buffet restaurant entitle you to EAT ALL YOU CAN! Like the customers...that is one thing,..this job feeds me...and makes me fat....another thing is....this job is considered simple....for me now after working for so long...everything becomes mundane, easy, and boring....it was really torturing at first.....but I survive the torture yet ironically can’t stand the fact that I am being exploited....I would say apart from the pay and the boss....the job itself is nice and easy.....During that time when she suggested that stupid new pay scheme....i spend the whole night to figure the pros and cons and told her the next day that my minimum pay rate is £4/hour and NOT ANY LOWER!....she understand what I imply and she just reply that...she will call me when she need me....from then....she never call. About one or two months later....she call me out of the blue and ask me back to work. I just went back. I knew why she call....I know why becos my colleagues told me she is leaving even before my boss call....and my boss is shorthanded...I never say anything...I just went back to work....I thought my boss will be more appreciative in the future becos I din even ask for a pay rise....I went back as £4/hour. Now I am convinced she is hopeless. I told her I can’t work for her on Saturday. I told her frankly that I have other jobs and I am not willing give up my jobs to work for her ONLY. She actually tells me to cancelled my other jobs for her....EXCUSE ME!...on what ground?....my agent pays me £5/hour and that is excluding tips...which I sometimes can get as many as £30 a day of TIPS....and what can she offer?....SHE NEVER SAY A THING!...she actually tells me that I can only give my time to her!.....what her logic was....if I work for her WHOLE HEARTEDLY!....she will give me more hours to work....that will accumulate more pays....IF NOT....she is going to hire a full time...which I will have less hours to work in the future...I got her hint!...and I got her threat....and like I am scared.......WHAT AN ASSHOLE!....I can work less and get the same pay from my agents.....why should I work for her!....AS if she is going to pay me more....I got jobs offer from everywhere in Glasgow....I wont die even if she dun offer me jobs.....That is my limit.......That is why...I have decided...tomolo...I will be working my last shift for her....tomolo evening....I will tell her straight!....that...unless she is going to pay me £5/hour in the future.....or else she can hire whoever full time she wants to hire....none of my business. I am still available to work for her sure....I will never really quit a job...afterall I am just a part time......I will just wait and see when she is going to ask me back as £5/hour....which I doubt she ever will becos we all know her too well that she is a very stingy person...like me...so that is very unlikely that she will ever spend £5/hour on me....she would rather spend £2.50/hour to hire 2 waitress from china....than to spend £5/hour to hire me.....but the situation will be bad.....everytime when good staff are around.....4 is good enough to run the whole restaurant if everybody know what they are doing....but she rather hire 8 people to run around not knowing what to do.......for the whole day....and be paranoid becos everybody dun noe what is going on. Maybe her math is more powerful....you know...like spending the same amount to get more quantity.....but...no quality.....that is her logic. And so.....expressing my fullest sympathy...I hope those who are still working there to be happy. As for me....I don’t see any more reasons for me to stay on....afterall...to be frank...I work...becos I need money...not doing charity.

15/10/2004
4am


Today, I was at the CCA for a book launch. I like particularly a book call...er...i forget the title...something spaghetti...noodles or pasta...anyway...it was just a collections of scribbling on waste paper...about ah-ha! LAsagna...I think the tile is something like a pot of lasagne.....that thing Garfield likes to eat....yah...i like that book...becos...I also keep scribblings...especially notes left by people to tell me something....but I felt a bit sad...becos...the idea of someone is already doing it ...makes me feel like I am copying them which is ridiculous becos I have seen a lot of such things before...so I wont say it it very original...which is not impt...becos it is not about originality...but sincerity and genunity......I have already had this idea in mind to make a book long ago...but dun noe how to start and dun have the budget to do it.....SOB!...and someone else is already doing it....I am especially angry with myself for not doing something I want to do....I AM ANGRY WITH MYSELF actually....I dun noe what is stopping me....afterall I have already done a lot of things that are considered impossible to many people .....why am I hesitating...why am I still complaining...which I really should be doing something...DO SOMETHING!!!!DO SOMETHING!...YOU IDIOT!....STOP DREAMING....JUST DO IT!.GO DO IT!

15/10/2004
4.12am

By the way, at the CCA book launch...yah...that is one of those occasion which I feel very weird to be around....very weird....becos although everybody around me are familiar faces....I really dun noe them well.....I end up just saying bye to one of the artist which I know slightly better....but it still feels weird........weird weird weird....and uncomfortable.

15/10/2004
4.15am



Suddenly...something comes to my mind....another project....you know....the problem....I think I need a crew of people to help me realise my work....while I keep churning my ideas....to keep up the pace....or else my idea keeps accumulate and but not realising....it becomes mentally very unbalance and can be very psychotic....bad for health....oh yah...back to what my idea was....it was the feeling of familiar faces....in BARNES building.....familiar.....but dun noe who is who....very scary.......yet...I felt like telling them how I feel about them....I dun noe how......I have this idea to “stalk” everybody in Barnes building.....especially in EMA....and in the studio....and write something about them.......OHHH.....I like this idea....I LOVE IT!.....like a testimonial for everybody I know here.....YAH....so exciting!

15/10/2004
4.32am

well....time to sleep....shouldn’t be staying up late....but then...so happy that I am writing.....I like the idea that I am writing....I like it.

15/10/2004
4.33am

It is 5am now....and I dun noe why I am still wide awake....I am actually in my TIP TOP FORM and CONDITION to write and think.....usually...this will be the most productive time for me to do my essay but I choose to write diary entry....becos essay is for my degree but diary is for my life...simple logic.

Good night...and go to sleep...tomolo is going to be another hard day....

15/10/2004
5am

Unwilling...

This is a lesson for everybody.
Never help someone unwillingly...
for my case....I am extremely unwilling when I help my friends here.
They are from Malaysia...a couple and they need to rent a flat....so I let them use my name to rent that flat...and they pay for the rent themself....I regret TREMEMDOUSLY not becos they will run away or watever so....becos even if they do...their deposit is paid by themself and got nothing to do with me....but then...I dun like the idea that someone is using my name to do something....and I had to sign the rent agreement....I just dun like it....and I WILL NEVER DO THIs KIND OF THING AGAIN!...NEVER!...unless of cos..if there are other reasons for doing so...or else..NEVER!

Just wanted to tell everybody about this.

That's all.

Bad day...

I am feeling so and so and so miserable right NOW...this very moment and I suspect for the rest of my night....that I will feel VERY SICK!...because of the dinner I ate 4 hours ago....that stupid beef and cheese...I COOKED!....yes...it was my own fault...but it has got nothing to do with my culinary skill....it was the beef....it was in the fridge for weeks...and I have no time to cook them.....until today....I suspect it was bad already...but I just thought maybe if I cook them properly.....it should be ok....but...it turn out to be NOT OK at all....halfway thru my eating....I decided not to eat the beef anymore and throw all away.....they taste really funny....and 4 hours later....I felt like vomiting and my tummy felt horrible.....I tried to make myself vomit....stay at the sink and wait for myself to puke....drink a lot of water...hoping that it will help...but my tummy just bloated...and makes things worse....now I felt so miserable I felt like crying.....worse...I am having a headache induced by my food-poisoning.....SOMEBODY.....HELP ME!
But SHIT!....I am all alone and I am not connected...this blog will only be publish next Monday when I have access...hopefully by then I will be pink and healthy again...and will not be eating any beef probably for a long time until I get over it....
This reminds me of fishballs.....I remember when I was very young....I became very sick after eating some fishballs...and yah...I vomited....after that...I did not eat fishballs for a long long time....until one day....out of the blue...I start to eat them again....I actually crave for fishcakes nowadays....the Angmohs here will not understand what is fishcake....anyway...singaporean should noe .......

OUCH!....just 10 seconds ago...while I was typing in pain groaning about my food poisoning....and fishball phobia....I lost balance and slip off my bed.....luckily my laptop is still on the table....but my thigh hit the bench and my back hit the bedside.....and the pain on my thigh and back was sooo intense that.....I....no longer feel the tummy aching....I guess that is what people call.. “distraction”.....but just as I recover from that silly fall.....with very very minor fat injury(I got fatty thighs)...my tummy ache and vomitty sensation came back.....

What a day.....just not right for me.....
09/10/2004
1.37am

Somewhere over the rainbow..... 

Confession of a confused stalker...

Nothing happened since that night after I return him the bulb....
Absolutely nothing.

Oh...but I made another astonishing discovery!!!
There are 2 Johns in this apartment!!!!
I know becos I saw a new mail addressing to John C. Morrison a few days ago.
Whichever he is....I am too confuse to conclude...and whatever, he is still john.
However...it is not important now as nothing is going to happen until my next lightbulb blows off....
Which I suspect will take another 5 mth....till then....
Who knows who is going to live downstairs...or even best..next door!

Yah...perhaps I shall call an end to this beautiful love story which is still beautiful because it never happens.
Meanwhile...I look forward to someone knocking on my door the next time....anyone....EXCEPT my landlord!


04/10/04

Operation “Destroy”!

I have decided to be merciless this time.
As I have realise the true meaning of... “being kind to others is being cruel to myself”
This is applicable...when I am referring to my pest friends...xiao hei
the beetle cockroach family that populate my room like Chinese populate china!!!!
The only difference which makes it scarier...is that they have more than one child in a family!
Which I am not even sure how many family I am actually housing....

I have decided to treat this “problem” seriously when I was casually sweeping off
2 or 3 visible ones with my broom off into my bin....and when I took a closer look.....
there are actually more than 2...but 5 or 6 smaller ones wriggling....EEEEEEE!!!!
I FREAK OUT!
That means I might be stepping on one anytime I walk around my room!
Though they are tiny.....BUT with my almost perfect eye-sight...
I CAN SEE THEM!!!!!
I decided that this is it.
It has reach my limit!
My policy is always as long as I dun see them...I am fine...
But since I can see them CLEARLY now...TOO LATE!

I have began to sweep very frequently everyday...
Whenever I reach home....first thing...I will sweep the floor...
The irritating thing is really the carpet...which I find it extremely unhygienic...
But the angmoh like it...becos it will be warm in the winter....but crap....
The carpet is the dirtiest thing you can put in ur room...I rather wear feel cold than to walk on dirty carpet.
And I swear I will never carpet my floor in my future home...maybe those small decorative ones...
But never the whole floor...stupid siah.....like if you spill something on the carpet...that’s it....
And you dun noe how many dust mites are growing...and for my case...beetle cockroach...
But I can be sure that it is not the fault that they breed here....but they are simply everywhere in this building.
They just exist.
Though I might not be able to eliminate them totally...
I am determine to sweep them up....as many as I could....
and throw them in bin bags and trash them out 100 metres away from my apartment across the road.
So far..I lost count how many I have actually sweep away...probably more than 20(larve form-wriggling and not crawling)
It is the most traumatising thing that is happening...
but everyday....the number is getting less...
but it still creeps a bit to think of it.

One more reason nowadays for me to move....
But not yet.......not yet.
04/10/04

Shhh...!

I seriously dun like guys who talks a lot.
Though I have interesting “talk-a lot” guy friends....
And I do enjoy arguing with them....
But I really do prefer guys to talk when necessary.

This conclusion was made when I work in a hotel function yesterday.
This guy that I had to work in pair with talk NON-STOP!
That worse thing is....he is extremely unprofessionally because we are actually working...
Though we are just standing around to wait for the people to finish their food before we clear and serve the next course....
We are suppose to be standing at the side and keep an eye on their needs...but this guy....he just keep talking....
And talking and talking......I din reply him and thought he might get the hint and SHUT UP!....instead he ask me why I am so quiet...
DUR!...I told him we are working.....and I dun like to talk when I am working......
Then he ask me what I am thinking when I am not talking...
I told him....I am not thinking of anything.
And he keep asking me question.....
Like where I live and who do I live with....
When I say I dun live with anyone he look as if I am bluffing him!!!!
I am sooo annoyed!
I ask myself if he happens to some cute guy trying to chat me up....will I be equally annoyed?
My answer should be still the same....simply becos
he choose the wrong time, wrong place and ask the wrong question!

Oh well....that is it....
At least I should be thankful to him that he did help me a lot when we are serving...after all we work in pairs...
we have to be professional...and he burn his hands while carrying some hot plates which I felt sorry for him...
oh oh...and he made great contribution to making me realise I dun like guys who are talkative!
For his case...talk without thinking!
Meanwhile...quiet guys always works for me....!


04/10/04

Recently...I dun see xiao fei flying around my room anymore...maybe he has found a new home....probably a place with more trash than my room...anyway...this was the picture last taken when he fell alsleep on top of my laptop...hope he is happy now...somewhere out there... 

That is my limit...

£"@ON+_"?:<{}*!%^!£OVW!$&.....I am swearing.
Because I HATE DOING ESSAY WITHOUT INTERNET ACCESS!!!!!
SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL ME!!!!
and the worst thing is...I have to keep this feeling for 4 days until today to get online and POST IT!
Ridiculous me!
I CAN'T STAND IT!
That guy living downstair better be worth me staying or else I AM MOVING!!!!!

28/09/04

Liberation of men and women in the new millennium.

Wah...bombastic title siah...like essay topic...whahahaha..well sorry I cant help it...

While doing all the research on cyberfeminism....I have come to realise that feminism in the first place not only liberalise women but also men. Simply because with the transformation we women are going thru...the men have to change as well. Afterall, we live in a society like an equation. We gain a little here we have to minus a bit from the other side to balance. Hence there is no way men can escape from this revolution. At this point, I feel sorry for the men because they are somehow more anonymous throughout the whole movement or rather I would categorise them as being victimise throughout the whole process with the fact that they are almost voiceless in most cases. Regardless, the fact is, men are being liberated. For example, men nowadays learn the importance of being emotional, they learn to cry and learn realise it is ok to be weak as well as learning to make themselves “pretty”. While the women go out to work and become stronger physically and mentally. However, I am not suggesting a change of role but rather a better balance in overall to be more human in the sense both strong and weak for both men and women. Afterall, I still expect to see man open doors and pay for dinner...while I am willing to act silly and pretend I am still weak...With this...let’s cheer for this progress and hope that the new situation makes this world a better place for both men and women to live in.


26/09/2004

UnLeaSH!

I had a realisation tonight....as I stare into the mirror looking at my long curly hair....
I realise I have been doing injustice to my hair for many years.
To be exact...more than 20 years...
To be more precise....since the day I was born.
In fact, they are given to me by my mother through her genes.
It may sound as if my hair is my disability as I describe them....they are actually a gift.
They are lovely...they are long and...
They are curly.
Despite that they can be quite tangled and messy at times I never despise them.
I never cut them because of reason such as I dun like them, or try to straighten them because people think I should. I usually cut them because I am sick of my old image and want a change or simply when I feel like it but never because they are curly.
However, I realise I have been doing the greatest injustice to me hair since I was born simply because I never let it be what it is, and worse still , I try to tame it.
As I remember when I was in primary school, if you were to ask any of my old classmates...they will tell you how neat and tidy my hair is...I suspect some of them might not even know my hair is curly.
In secondary school was worse, where I will wear a hair-net to school to tame my hair...because I gave up combing it.
Or when I finally decided to cut it, I will put a lot of oil or hair gel or mouse just to comb down and stop it from frizzing.
In my JC days which was perhaps slightly better.....as I slacken my control over my hair to let it “be messy” a bit....simply maybe becos I get used to it...but still I never let it down and let it flow freely.
Until I was in NAFA, when things starts to get even better.....yet, no matter how messy, I will still bun it up or whatever to keep it up where it is...never dare to show it publicly...maybe only among friends and family...as they get used to it....but still...I seldom let them down to curl on their own while walking on the street....only very ocassionally...when I am at home...only.
There are of course many reasons to why I did all I can to tame it....simply because people expect me to do so....like it is something unruly for them to accept.....and improper to let my curly hair down...they think it is scary....
In fact, most of my Chinese friends will advice me to cut or go rebonding....which none of them so far has actually say they love my natural curly hair...NONE OF THEM.....sadly...But things are different with the ang moh though....I always get very flattered when they like my hair....even before I came to Glasgow....I have friends from Australia and Germany who like my hair a lot....and classmates now in Glasgow who simply envy and feel jealous of my hair.....even my Greek friend and Nigeria friend loves them....only except all the my Chinese friends....regardless whether they are from Malaysia, Hong Kong or China....none of them like it.
It is sad, because I have been doing injustice to my hair simply because others dun like it....though I never despise it....It is bad enough to simply try to tame it.
My hair is just like me.
I should like it be what it is....since I am already courageous enough to let myself be what I want to be...why can’t I let my hair be so as well.... what an irony.
Perhaps I should free my hair from my own oppression and let it find it’s own freedom and identity like I did to my soul. I dun see why I shouldn’t let my hair be what it really is. Perhaps that is the key to why I always feel there is still something not right about myself....something not completely unleash.....

With this, I have made a whole new decision. I have decided to keep it.
Long and curly as it is.
Lovely.

Frillyobject.
23/09/04
2.28am

Confession of a stalker...

John Wilson AKA the lightbulb guy.

I hope he will never come across this blog...

NEVER EVER!

That is his name...which I just find out from all the mails on the mail-table in the hallway this morning....it just happen that I am checking for my own mails while i unintentionly (who am I kidding)chance across a big A4 size mail with the above name on it. This is new...becos I never see this name in other mails previously...so it must be him....and yes his name is John.

And the next thing I did was something I should never do....I put his mail againt the frosted door where the sunshine is bleaming thru to try to read what was on it...only for a few second that I feel guilty about what I had just done that I quickly put back the mail....on the table...

The only thing that makes me feel better is that I din really see what is on the letter....not becos it was not visible enough but becos I was too nervous and gulity that I din manage to see what the letter was trying to say...before i put it back..though I did see a chunk of words...I am just too distracted to really read it....distract becos i am afraid anyone might just open the door or come up from downstair and caught me....

And so...that is my horrible deed.

I reckon nothing will ever happen again becos I am simply too nervous to face him now...just like this morning when I was about to go to the toilet...I open the door and see someone coming and quickly close up...becos I am just too nervous to meet him.

If that was really him...I dun noe what he will think...

And the most horrible thing is.....I got a mail today...
Which address me as "MRS C. S***H"
Where we know the ang moh always have problem with chines name....but this is more problematic becos they call me "Mrs"...which I have spot the mistake long ago and din bother to change. However...I am worry that he might see that and tot I am married....OH NO!...what should I do now????

And why the hell should i worry when I dun even dare to face him...

Crazy....this is so crazy!

24/09/04

Let there be light...Part 3

Room 9.
And his name is John or Johnny...watever.

Today, I make a second attempt to return the bulb.
Just as I open my door ...someone came home....before I even say anything...that guy say...it was not him.....oh...so it was that wrong person yesterday again...and he know I am looking for someone to return a bulb.
He must have thought I am crazy.
Anyway....he told me that the lightbulb guy’s name is Johnny....
And that Johnny will only be back after 9pm....

While yesterday....I sound out my landlord when he gave me the bulbs and gather that this guy lives in the room directly underneath the landlord’s room...which my landlord call him John....

As my investigation proceeds,...the only way to find out the truth....is to knock the door and find out if that lightbulb guy is called is really who he is....john or Johnny....watever.

Then...I waited.

Probably after an hour or two....I heard the door ....someone is back.
My third attempt coming.
I “dressed up”...and pick a bulb and went downstairs...it was a bit dark...
I remember seeing a lady staying in room 6...so was not him...and James mentioned that he is directly underneath....and I saw a corner room in a dark corner. 2 doors actually...but I only see one with light...I hesitate for 2 seconds and knock softly......

And the following is the silliest conversation I have ever engage in....


“ Who?”


“Erm......me.”


What the hell!....I mean...when he ask “who????”...how am I suppose to answer him...in the first place if I say I am who I am...I dun think he even knows my name....and instinctly...I choose to see.... “...me”....which is so funny....

Then I heard some walking and opening of door....and...

There he is....it was him.

Still cute....and I am glad my memory did not fail me...
Which this time...I try to take a closer look ......he is wearing a blue shirt today..it was white previously....


“Er...I come to return the bulb....thanks....”


“AhH....Oh...That’s great!”

As he took the bulb from me....and tossed it skillfully into mid air...before he catch it...a very friendly gesture as if getting something from a friend....very casually.......

And he end our conversation by saying

“Thanks a lot”...

“yah...thanks”...I said.

Which I am puzzled....Why did he thank me?

Anyway....I walk away as he close the door simultaneously...


That is all....nothing happen.

The feeling is...I really find him cute and attractive....but the strange thing is...I always can only remember my reponse to his looks....”cute and attractive”...but even after the second time....I still cannot remember how he actually look like...it’s like...twice we met and both happens in less than 20 seconds each time......under bad lighting condition...first time...my room is in darkness when he was on my door....and I cannot see him clearly....and second time...the corridor is dimly lit...and I still cannot see him clearly....but I can see him....I am sure....just that not brightly lit enough to see clearly...only vaguely....but twice...he is charming.

And so....yah....so far because it will make no sense for anything to happen after I return him the bulb.....unless something happen again....where he will come upstairs or I go down....or else...that’s it.

Right now....I just wonder what he is doing....

23/09/04
I tried to read this whole story again...and thought it looks like some very potential romance story....if nothing really happen in reality...I am highly tempted to write it like a romantic fantasy....first of all....I wonder how should we proceed...wait....let me think....

Let there be light...Part 2

I finally get to see my landlord today and ask for 2 spare bulbs....I took one happily and nervously downstair...in search of the lightbulb guy...I saw another guy instead....actually I wasn’t sure if he is the one...but he probably isn’t becos if he is....he should know why I am downstairs....but he ask me “can I help you” instead....so I reckon he must be the wrong person....so I just went upstairs feeling a bit embarrass....a while later....this wrong guy knock on my door and ask me did I have problem with my lights and I told him I am fine now becos I got it replace already.....with a smile...I close my door.

I am amused by the fact that the guys living downstairs are so far very friendly about lightbulbs.....or maybe all guys are...when it comes to electrical appliances...if it was a girl...she would probably ignore me....just as I made such an assumption.....my neighbour Miss Tan knock on my door and say she found her spare light bulb.....duh......now I have 3 spares on top of the one shining up there right now....

Nevertheless, I am grateful....even to my landlord becos he offers to help me put on the new one....which I rejected becos I have already done so.....and find it ironic to have so many lightbulbs now.....

What I hope now is to find that guy soon and return him the bulb....of cos that is not my true intention...if you know what I mean.

22/09/04

Let there be light...

SHIT!....My bulb blows off this afternoon before I left home....
din replaced it...until I reach home to realise it is getting dark and my landlord is not back yet.....and my nextdoor neighbour just used up their last spare bulb....

Meanwhile...back in my room I did everything I can to light up my room such as to switch on the TV...and open my fridge(lights up when I open it.)..silly things....reading newspaper beside the TV and eating a semi rotten banana beside my fridge in case I ate the rotten part.....quite fun for a while when I realise this can’t go on...I decide to stick a note in front of my landlord’s room to tell him I need a new bulb.....

So I did....and went back to darkness and wait.

Some minutes past as I hear someone coming home....hoping that it is my landlord....i open the door and is disappointed to see a backview of a downstair neighbour walking down the stair.....oh well....continue to wait.

Then, a few minutes later....I hear a soft unsure knock on my door.
My landlord?.....I hope...but I put a question mark because I din hear anyone coming home other then the anonymous downstair neighbour....and most importantly, my landlord, James, dun knock this way....I can tell ....he usually will knock VERY LOUDLY as if I am deaf....

Nevertheless I rush to open the door, becos it might be my next door neighbour who have found a new bulb or whatever...so I open the door.


A guy that I have never seen before.


Cute looking guy....I can see that becos he has light up the whole hallway before he knock on my door(the hallway is usually lightless unless you purposely switch on the lights..)....and wait a minute.....since when is there a cute guy living in this apartment...I have seen a few and dun remember seeing any cute guy....I know a few polish uncles lives downstairs but they dun speak english!!!!...while this one speaks!...must be a new guy.....!


And he gave me a lightbulb....


THAT IS STILL HOT!

And say....he saw my note to James on the door......

I really can feel the heat on the lightbulb...and ask him if he has spare for himself....he obviously has...i am just asking stupid question....I thank him and close the door....I can tell that I am nervous when I spoke to him...becos I am!

Then...I open my door again in less than 2 seconds again...calling out at him who is at the stairway which I can’t see him anymore.....and ask him which room he lives in...so that I can return him the lightbulb when James comes back...and that silly guy...told me “I live downstair”.....and his voice disappear........of cos I know he is from downstair....but which room?

Everything just happen.

While I am still in shock.....

I close the door again....this time wondering how am I going to change the lightbulb...I thought I should have ask him before he go...but anyway...I tried...and struggle for a while ...unscrewing and twisting and pulling...and could not get the stupid fused light bulb off the wire.......finally...I use my last bit of common sense to give it a push..and twist to get it off the hook....ahhh.....

DONE!....put the pipping hot new bulb on....and TA DA!.....

LIGHT!

It was when lights came that I start to thing about this guy....
2 things about this whole incident that I try to make sense of....

First of all, why did he know it is me who needs the bulb?

I only wrote my name on the note....and not my room number?....I never met him and I dun noe him and he dun noe me...how did he know it is me? Or know is room 3?

I reckon after he read the note on the hall way and hear me open my door to assume is my room.

Second, why did he have to unscrew his current lightbulb?...if he has a spare....he can just give me the spare....and I can give him a new one later....but he actually unscrew the one that he is using to give me...and use his new bulb?......ok...maybe he is smart to give me an old one and use a new one....or else I dun see any sense...

Finally....my room is filled with de-lights again.....
While I look at my lightfilled room....I can’t help but to rememeber my childhood fetish.....I used to have secret fantasy for guys who changes lightbulb....even though this guy din help me change one (I did it myself)....but he manage to spare me one...which is almost equivalent.....

Ahhh....watever....I am touched....becos how many people will make an effort to help strangers in the first place, some more he din even noe me or even noe who is living in room 3.....yet is willing to come to my resuce.....

Thanks.....

To the guy who brighten up my life tonight, tomolo night and every other nights...

That cute looking guy.

And...I sure look forward to return him the bulb....

Wait till I find out which room he lives in.....

Meanwhile....I change my mind about moving out...... ;)

21/09/04

My new friend..

I was watching FRIENDS ...this particular episode where Phoebe has this habit to name her house pest like Bob the rat and Susie the mouse....
Well, I name my house pest as well...
I used to name my house cockroach 小强...and lizard小明.....and 小强 is not小强only but小强 and family.....that was in my home in Sembawang in Singapore.
Meanwhile in Glasgow, I basically only have one major house pest(pet) which I call him or them..小黑...they are a kind of buggy looking bug......and liwei say is called German cockroach. And they are one happy family settling in my room ....you can’t imagine how at home they are when they like to come out and stroll along my carpet....the baby maggots are those that really freaks me out though....
The thing is, I just couldn’t bear to kill them...The only most cruel thing that I always do is ..if it is only one...I will scope it up with a piece of paper and throw it out of the window....and if it is more than one...like family outing and I happen to spot them....I will bring in the vacuum cleaner to SUCK THEM UP!

Tonight, I have a new pest friend.....I call him 小飞.( a name I always use to name flying insect)....It is actually a fly. Yes, I repeat, a fly.
Just one fly.
But manage to drive me crazy.
he has been hovering in my room for the whole day since this morning....I sort of ignore it at first but he becomes pesty...especially when he likes to fly past my laptop and parade its flying skill while I am concentrating....he also likes to fly past my ear to let me hear it’s humbling sound.....as if I am not annoyed enough.....there are a few times when I actually caught him resting on my book...once on my knee(no respect!)...looking at me as I look at him .....and sometimes right on top of the LCD screen of my laptop.....sleeping!!!!.....I know he fall asleep becos I tried to tap my laptop to drive him away...and it just stay there like none of his business.....



My friend Xiao fei...trying to read my book... 



I shall let him stay in my room for the night since it is cold outside right now and he probably have no where to go if I drive him away.....but that is it....only for tonight...

Anyway, he seem to have found a nice place to settle for the night at the moment , becos I have lost sight of him since I started writing....he must have been tired flying around the room for the whole night....probably felt miserable for not being able to find an exit.....poor thing...I shall forgive him....

19/09/04

One more miracle...please.

I wear spectacles.
This is a weird statement to start with for those who know me.
Most of them will not remember me with specs.
Because, in actual fact, I dun really need them.
But whenever I see my spec looking shabby and scratched, I will make an effort to upgrade or replace them.

To tell the truth, my spec is actually a very crucial prop to me when I am doing last minute work or when I need full concentration.
Though I always assume to be an almost perfect eyesight person...I will wear my spec when I need to mentally prepare myself to sit down and commit.

Like superman needs his tights and spiderman and batman who need their masks....I need my specs....maybe it is a mental thing....that whenever I put on my specs...I will be able to perform some sort of miracles.....always...

However, the specs trick can only be used in case of emergency....or else it will not work anymore...hence I would usually dump my spec somewhere until I need it....

Finally,....just recently...I found out the reason why the spec trick works...simply becos my eyesights are failing....and I need the specs to see clearly especially when I am working on my laptop.....with greater visual ability gives better concentration......and one most annoying thing to date is...my scratchy specs...I need a new pair please!!!!!!

Meanwhile...I am hoping my existing specs can do it’s usual trick one last time.....one more miracle before I graduate in peace.

19/09/04

Chaotic order...

I usually will need more than one pen when I am working on my essays in the middle of the night or whenever, as long as I am in the middle of deep concentration processing my work. I cannot afford to lose time looking for misplaced pen.

One(pen) will usually be among my hair(in most cases) where I will poke through to hold my bun of hair while another is probably lost in my pile of notes and in today’s case was camouflage among the columns of my keyboard.
So here I am writing with my 3rd pen which I suspect I might just left it somewhere later when I go and get a drink, but no worry.....becos I akways know where to get the 4th!


Ps/ most of my blogs are written on papers before I type them on computers mainly becos things dun always happen when I am using my laptop and I need to write things down immediately or else I might just forget...it is always difficult to just sit down in front of my laptop and start to recall things....I mean...there are sensations which only last a second....so pen and paper is still my best friend....
19/09/04

Red among the yellowish apple green...

I am biting my apple looking at my laptop screen, listening to the news on TV and at the same time writing this diary entry,....I am simply impressed by my ability to multitask, although I know I am better off doing one thing at a time.

Well, that is besides the point becos I am actually going to write something about my teeth. It bleeds.... While I bite my golden delicious apple and left a tint of blood stain on the apple....very nicely fused into the flesh of the apple and produce a tiny fizzy blot of red in the mids of light apple yellowish green flesh.
Very nice.
I like it.

18/09/04
23:30

I am in this terrible happy mood that I shouldn’t be becos I really should be all stressed up doing my essay and yet was too happy and relax to produce anything...
So terribly happy...
It was the songs that I am listening to. The love songs that made me so in love, yet no one to love, and still so happy...
Something must be wrong with me...
I hope I am not going to cry on the 23rd Sep...that is the day before my official deadline...

18/09/04

Jobs...

There are shity jobs that you hate and never what to do as well as nice cosy ones that i am doing right now!!! to guard an empty computer room with all the internet access I want....what a luxury...and they pay me £5.25 an hour for it....boi....I am lucky!...

A request...

Please please....anybody...
If you have read any of my blog or just visit the site to find out about my updates...please let me know your presence by dropping some comments...because I need to know if anybody is actually reading them.....
Or else, I feel like I am taking to nobody...

Sob...


Ok...I know I am pathetic...

I am.

21/09/04

Words from the wicked unbeliever....

CAUTION!
The following are not suitable for people who call themselves christian.
If you are and still wants to continue to read the following, please that note that I am not trying to be offensive, and forgive me for being truthful but I just can;t help it...

Bottom Line is....





READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!





At this point, I have made yet another realisation.
Yes, I am beginning to suspect that God may have exist.
However, this suspicion makes no difference to the fact that I

DO NOT believe in him/her or it.

I find it ridiculous when people wants to convince me into converting by trying to prove the existence of God....especially when I was always told “The fact that you dun see a moon does not mean that it dun exist.”..yeah right.....so.?...We dun prove the existence of something by proving the existence of something that we can’t see exist. Because eventually, we will see the moon shining happily in the sky looking differently almost every night.
Moreover, so what if (assuming God is a male) he does/do/did exist...
We dun believe in something with it existence.
We believe in something we believe.

There is one thing that have always bother me a bit.
That is the reading of bible.
Since I am a non-believer, I choose not to read it, in case I “get tempted”, judging from the responses from all the believer I have seen so far, I have to admit the bible might be in some way “attractive”.
However, I have change me mind recently.
I have decided to read it.
Simply becos, you have to know what something is before deciding to oppose it.
Or else I will be in no position to reject it if I dun even know what it preach.

So first thing first, I read a bible.
This can happen becos of a coincidence, my neighbour is leaving and she happen to leave me a book which titled “Holy Bible New Testament”. And so even if I dun believe in God, I believe in fate, so I decide to read it.

And I am so glad with my decision becos the first thing I flip upon in the book is...
“Do not be yoked with Unbeliever”
I shall copy the whole paragragh I read in order to illustrate my point later for those who are not familiar with the bible...

“ Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?...blah blah blah...”

Clearly, the person who wrote the bible is not sensitive enough to realise that the world do not exist only in black and white. There are apart from various tones of grey other colours like red, blue, yellow, green, pink...and so many so many others which I can’t even name. What rights did he have to dismiss unbeliever to be wicked?
I love peace. I dun like to differentiate people by their believe, afterall we are all sharing the same air on earth. why must there be such a differentiation and alienation in which to separate people into believer and non-believer...I think it is sad....If God really exist,..he should do something about his bible and his believer as to how they preach....this is so wrong...at least to me.

And yes, I can see that this person who wrote the bible(apparently under the influnce of God)is clearly unfamiliar with Albert Einstein’s theory of relativity, which is such a shame that I shall do him a favour of enlightening him with the following understanding

Light do not exist without Darkeness.

This is a simple way of life and you have to live it to know it. Apparently, this person havent learn enough in life to make such realisation...


I can feel my blood pressure heighten a bit as I was writing it...while I tell myself...I shall forgive all this...because I love peace...whahahaha....Meanwhile...yah...

WORLD PEACE.......

With this, I shall end my blog for the time being and continue my quest to read the bible. Though I can anticipate a few blood boiling moments that might be unpleasant, I look forward to the potential entertainment I can get from this book while criticising it....


20/09/04

The UltimATe TraSh!

Yes. The ultimate trash. I am refering to myself for the past two days. I sleep and eat and sleep and oh...watch TV and sleep and yah listen to music and sleep and eat and sleep....the only point where I am slightly humane is where I start to feel guilty about not writing my essay...for 10 seconds...and that's it....and so...my beautiful weekend is spent on breathing in oxygen in the air to produce carbon dioxide.....and whatever....I am guilty of cos...but I'm LOVING IT!

The fear...

I guess the most scary thing that could happen to a blogger...is not that someone is peeping into her secret or exposing her true identity...but the fact that no one reads it...*shiver*...

Life is beautiful....

Ah...life is beautiful when you can sleep without having to set your alarm for the next morning....and it happen to me yesterday...breath in...and breath out...I like the air today as well...keeps me alive...as if it din yesterday...
Ah...can't help feeling happy...lalala..lalala

090904

Toothache...

I got this toothache on the top left row of my inner teeth so bad that I need a dentist...but that was one week ago...it miraculously recover on it's own 2 days ago...so ...end of story.

The thing about beauty...or being beautiful...whatever

I won’t say it is unfair....after all I am not the one who is being at a disadvantage. This doesn’t mean I am beautiful, instead the following scenario clearly illustrate that I am being discriminated against becos I am not as 'beautiful'...what an irony...however this discrimination only means I get to SKIVE at work...and work less compared to my fellow colleagues...where both of them happen to be very pretty....double irony?.. The story starts 2 weeks ago where I register to a new agency for a special event job where typing skill is required...I work for the agency in a very large conference held in the SECC(something like SunTec or EXPO in Singapore)...as a registration lady..where my main job is to register new participant for the events that is available for the whole 5 days conference.....and make them pay...blah blah blah...so it happens...I was registration lady number 12...sandwiched between lady 11 and 13...where lady 11 is a very pretty Indian girl...with bushy eye lashes and very exotic make up...very pretty...and lady 13..was a Scottish Chinese...VERY PRETTY as well...BIG EYED...sweet smile , good complexion ,simple make up and all...then me...small eyed NO make up..frizzy hair...pimpled face.......the 3 of us doing On-site registration for doctors and researchers from all over the world......

At first, everything is under control and I felt very bored...then I was still very bored...and again very bored... slowly I realise desk 11 and desk 13 is always occupied....by enquiries...and registration...becos it is an open area...people just walk up to the desk themselves...so they have a choice who they want to be served...while I serve only 6 participant in 3 hours....my next door neighbour...lady 13 served 10......plus a lot of lost participant seeking help from her...while my desk is “patronless”....and she had to refer them to me...whom I happily take over.....nothing really struck my mind until when both my desk...(desk 12) and desk 13 is free...and a handsome Spainish doctor...walk towards the desk....lady 13 was not paying attention to him...while I smile at him...and was about to offer some help... he just walk pass me and register with lady 13....at this point...I understand the whole situation and what is actually going on for the whole day....people just walk towards these 2 ladies out of instinct and I am sadly...(in terms of personal pride) being ignored in a sense becos I DUN ATTRACT THEM...however is secretly happy and have nothing to complain about (in terms of personal advantage) becos in this way...I work less, get the same pay...and make less mistakes.....and frankly speaking I wont blame that spainish doctor...becos I will also choose to register with Karen (lady 13) instead of myself if I were him becos..she really is so pretty that even I will steal glance at her occasionally...and on top of that..very sweet and friendly...the prefect image of a customer service rep...

So...life is fair and square...like what my friend ah guan have said before...for my case today...even though my pride was a little hurt for the fact that the handsome doctor did not register with me eventually...I shouldn’t mind at all becos if this kind of scenario keep happening for the rest of the days....I am more than glad.. as long as I get paid!

030904

I am so impressed and yet so not.

I am so impressed by the fact that I can churn out 500 words in less than 5 minutes to write a blog entry...but couldn't get myself to write a 4000 words essay in 3 weeks...of cos I have a lot of excuses and I think they are very valid but still I am so not impressed by this fact. By the way....I WANT INTERNET ACCESS!!!!!!

I am such a fake!

This is something I can't stand myself lately...I am such a fake!..to my landlord...while usually I am a VERY SINCERE person to everybody.This is what happened...2 weeks ago I call up the broadband company to install broadband in my room...I told my landlord about it and he say "NO PROBLEM!"...but then in the end...he chase the technicians away and scold them for drailing holes in his flat...I won't blame him..becos is his property and he is right to protect it...few days later....he told my neighbours that he feels bad about it and ask them to tell me to go ahead and call up the company to do the installation again....but now the problem is...the NTL company has already CANCELLED my name and BLACKLISTED me for broadband installation...and....I am soooo busy now I dun have time slots to wait for installation....and the MOST FUSTRATING thing is...my essay is due this sunday..I NEED THE INTERNET FOR MY RESEARCH AND WRITE UP...but couldn't continue in the middle of my writing becos my offline links is cut off without internet accesss....I really BLOW UP!...Thanks to my landlord who chase the technicians away that morning....I am now stuck with an unfinish essay and a VERY TIGHT WORK SCHEDULE!.....and ON TOP OF THIS....he comes to knock on my door and ask me if I am OK....welll...I really wanted to tell him I am NOT!....thanks to him...i have to carry my 3kg laptop and walks to school....resulting in SEVERE backaches shoulder aches as well as thigh muscle cramp from walking with heavy object...especially when the laptop bag is actually not very carrier friendly when you have to sling it across your shoulders....that is when I finally have an off day from work and I had to go to school for the internet access...with the rest of days...trying to work offline at home...and get stuck in all the links I tried to bookmark but can't access becos I dun have connections at home!!!!...I am sooo FED UP!...and then....comes the FAKE part....I smile at my landlord and say I am ok, I just dun want people to feel bad about things...besides WHAt else can I say...ask him to F**K OFF?.....i really hates it when he knocks on my door on my precious off days...just to ask me if I am "happy"and won't go off and keep talking...I tried to be polite but sometimes i am soo sick of entertaining him..I told him I am busy...I am happier if he gives me a break and leave me alone!.....and finally...I am determined to MOVE as soon as I can find a cheaper flat or somewhere as cheap....I SWEAR!