In the mood for words....

Suddenly...when I was reading one of my conversation with Yahui.....I was reminded that I was actually a bit attracted to this guy half a year ago....a guy from some other department... I dun want to mention his name because I suspect the chances of him reading my blog is very high....becos I am announcing my blog to the public soon....the idea of him existing somewhere in my mind is very “slippery”....it’s not like I am crazily infatuated with him.....or secrectly in love with him.. he will be occupying my mind for an instance whenever I see a smile from him...and after that....that’s it...he will not be always on my mind and I will not miss him. I will not look out for him when I am in school or stare at him unconsciously if he is around.....anyway...just nothing...BUT....there is one thing....I feel comfortable whenever I talk to him....he is a nice guy. And I can feel that he is listening when I am talking....like in one presentation...I can sense him listening....I can see from the look in his eye that he is attentive .....and most importantly...I feel comfortable when he is around.
I felt quite alien even until now when I attend school function like openings and lectures....it’s like....even though I already know some of the people, I felt awkward to talk to them....I felt awakward...simply walking around...is like...very alien and unwelcome....but at least when he is around sometimes...I will feel slightly just slightly...at ease....seriously....I dun have any special feelings for this guy....but I like him. You know...like....as in....just like...saying....I like the rainbow....suddenly out of the blue...you see it...and you feel happy...but then it’s either you have to go....or the rainbow....or maybe rainbow is not appropriate enough....becos rainbow actually excites me....perhaps....is like.....the sun in glasgow.....YAH!...that’s it....the sun....becos I never really particularly like the sun usually especially when I was in Singapore....but then....when the sun comes out occasionally in Glasgow...it’s makes you feel warm and comfortable.....might not be there all the time...and I will not miss it....but once it comes out....I can feel it.....and have to like it...becos it’s warm and friendly....that kind kind of feeling.

15/10/2004
2am

I am a DAMN LUCKY girl....today is my final tutorial.....and I am supposed to meet my tutor for a FINAL “SHOWDOWN” for my essay....but I decide to fall asleep yesterday night and not continue what I have not finish....I have my reasons though....because I have just got hold of a new book which is quite crucial to my essay and I intend to make some serious reconstruction...while I am a bit worried on my way to school about how I am going to explain to my tutor about my situation....she throw a ball to me instead...by telling me....she haven read my essay becos I am the last on her list and she din have time to even start reading it....WHAT?.....what kind of ghost luck am I having....I was smiling to myself when she told me this.........heaven is always sooo good to me....so we arrange for a make up tutorial....which gave me another week....meanwhile I told her about my NEW PLAN...and she agree to assess the possibility of an extension for my essay...LIFE is beautiful.....and things happen nicely to you...when you are sincerely cherishing every bit of it!....meanwhile....thanks to my tutor...she has been very encouraging about my research....and patient with my work attitude...because I am a very last minute person...she had been very accommodating.....thanks...
15/10/2004
3am


Today...I spend about less than a minute to decide to end my job in the Chinese buffet restaurant which I have been working for 10 months. This is actually already countless of times I attempt to quit....the last time...was when my boss unscrupulously try to cut my pay by changing her pay scheme from paying me £4/hour to paying me £35 a day. This is scheming because a full day job lasted 10.5 hours....x4 should be £42....but she only offer £35....come on....even a primary school kid can work this simple mathematical sum out....who is she trying to kid!...I am already considered seriously underpaid even when she pay me £4/hour....moreover....NO TIPS IS BEING SHARED AT ALL!!!!!! She keeps all the tips to herself...I really dun noe why I am still working for her until now....but I wont say there is no incentive at all working in her restaurant......becos working in a buffet restaurant entitle you to EAT ALL YOU CAN! Like the customers...that is one thing,..this job feeds me...and makes me fat....another thing is....this job is considered simple....for me now after working for so long...everything becomes mundane, easy, and boring....it was really torturing at first.....but I survive the torture yet ironically can’t stand the fact that I am being exploited....I would say apart from the pay and the boss....the job itself is nice and easy.....During that time when she suggested that stupid new pay scheme....i spend the whole night to figure the pros and cons and told her the next day that my minimum pay rate is £4/hour and NOT ANY LOWER!....she understand what I imply and she just reply that...she will call me when she need me....from then....she never call. About one or two months later....she call me out of the blue and ask me back to work. I just went back. I knew why she call....I know why becos my colleagues told me she is leaving even before my boss call....and my boss is shorthanded...I never say anything...I just went back to work....I thought my boss will be more appreciative in the future becos I din even ask for a pay rise....I went back as £4/hour. Now I am convinced she is hopeless. I told her I can’t work for her on Saturday. I told her frankly that I have other jobs and I am not willing give up my jobs to work for her ONLY. She actually tells me to cancelled my other jobs for her....EXCUSE ME!...on what ground?....my agent pays me £5/hour and that is excluding tips...which I sometimes can get as many as £30 a day of TIPS....and what can she offer?....SHE NEVER SAY A THING!...she actually tells me that I can only give my time to her!.....what her logic was....if I work for her WHOLE HEARTEDLY!....she will give me more hours to work....that will accumulate more pays....IF NOT....she is going to hire a full time...which I will have less hours to work in the future...I got her hint!...and I got her threat....and like I am scared.......WHAT AN ASSHOLE!....I can work less and get the same pay from my agents.....why should I work for her!....AS if she is going to pay me more....I got jobs offer from everywhere in Glasgow....I wont die even if she dun offer me jobs.....That is my limit.......That is why...I have decided...tomolo...I will be working my last shift for her....tomolo evening....I will tell her straight!....that...unless she is going to pay me £5/hour in the future.....or else she can hire whoever full time she wants to hire....none of my business. I am still available to work for her sure....I will never really quit a job...afterall I am just a part time......I will just wait and see when she is going to ask me back as £5/hour....which I doubt she ever will becos we all know her too well that she is a very stingy person...like me...so that is very unlikely that she will ever spend £5/hour on me....she would rather spend £2.50/hour to hire 2 waitress from china....than to spend £5/hour to hire me.....but the situation will be bad.....everytime when good staff are around.....4 is good enough to run the whole restaurant if everybody know what they are doing....but she rather hire 8 people to run around not knowing what to do.......for the whole day....and be paranoid becos everybody dun noe what is going on. Maybe her math is more powerful....you know...like spending the same amount to get more quantity.....but...no quality.....that is her logic. And so.....expressing my fullest sympathy...I hope those who are still working there to be happy. As for me....I don’t see any more reasons for me to stay on....afterall...to be frank...I work...becos I need money...not doing charity.

15/10/2004
4am


Today, I was at the CCA for a book launch. I like particularly a book call...er...i forget the title...something spaghetti...noodles or pasta...anyway...it was just a collections of scribbling on waste paper...about ah-ha! LAsagna...I think the tile is something like a pot of lasagne.....that thing Garfield likes to eat....yah...i like that book...becos...I also keep scribblings...especially notes left by people to tell me something....but I felt a bit sad...becos...the idea of someone is already doing it ...makes me feel like I am copying them which is ridiculous becos I have seen a lot of such things before...so I wont say it it very original...which is not impt...becos it is not about originality...but sincerity and genunity......I have already had this idea in mind to make a book long ago...but dun noe how to start and dun have the budget to do it.....SOB!...and someone else is already doing it....I am especially angry with myself for not doing something I want to do....I AM ANGRY WITH MYSELF actually....I dun noe what is stopping me....afterall I have already done a lot of things that are considered impossible to many people .....why am I hesitating...why am I still complaining...which I really should be doing something...DO SOMETHING!!!!DO SOMETHING!...YOU IDIOT!....STOP DREAMING....JUST DO IT!.GO DO IT!

15/10/2004
4.12am

By the way, at the CCA book launch...yah...that is one of those occasion which I feel very weird to be around....very weird....becos although everybody around me are familiar faces....I really dun noe them well.....I end up just saying bye to one of the artist which I know slightly better....but it still feels weird........weird weird weird....and uncomfortable.

15/10/2004
4.15am



Suddenly...something comes to my mind....another project....you know....the problem....I think I need a crew of people to help me realise my work....while I keep churning my ideas....to keep up the pace....or else my idea keeps accumulate and but not realising....it becomes mentally very unbalance and can be very psychotic....bad for health....oh yah...back to what my idea was....it was the feeling of familiar faces....in BARNES building.....familiar.....but dun noe who is who....very scary.......yet...I felt like telling them how I feel about them....I dun noe how......I have this idea to “stalk” everybody in Barnes building.....especially in EMA....and in the studio....and write something about them.......OHHH.....I like this idea....I LOVE IT!.....like a testimonial for everybody I know here.....YAH....so exciting!

15/10/2004
4.32am

well....time to sleep....shouldn’t be staying up late....but then...so happy that I am writing.....I like the idea that I am writing....I like it.

15/10/2004
4.33am

It is 5am now....and I dun noe why I am still wide awake....I am actually in my TIP TOP FORM and CONDITION to write and think.....usually...this will be the most productive time for me to do my essay but I choose to write diary entry....becos essay is for my degree but diary is for my life...simple logic.

Good night...and go to sleep...tomolo is going to be another hard day....

15/10/2004
5am