Tuesday...
my lightbulb fused again...
it is about time anyway...
But It is summer now...and it is still bright outside ...i dun have any spare lightbulb...
and i am lazy to buy one....
I thought..maybe i will change it tomolo..since he is coming and he can change it for me...
He did...
At first...I ask him to change it for me...and he said...why can't i change it myself...
and i was angry...
So I climb up the chairs and do it myself...
he saw me struggling...and shoo me away....
and change it for me in the end....
That was it...
I think I found the person who change my lightbulb...
080705
Friday, July 08, 2005
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
His story vs my story...
I am not sue if I have ever told you people when was the first time we met.
We met in the dissertation conference for our department where we present our essay research to our follow classmates...that was the first time we know the exitence of each other...becos...I asked him a question that he could not answer...during Q&A.
The second time....was in london....and he told me...he thought i was not polite to leave him alone with the rest of the other people and went away alone to china town...at that time...he was hoping to go away with me...becos the group that we are tagging along are not very friendly people.....for me...i intended to drag him along...but i guess there is a misunderstanding somehwere....and i tot he said...he wanted to stay with them....ah...misunderstanding...we could have been better friends then if we were to shop china town in london....maybe things will be different...
Anyway...he said...he thought he should give me a second chance...though he thought I was impolite.. :p
third time...we happened to be in the gallery....only the two of us...that was becos...he was invigilating a friends work...while i am in school hoping to join an extra critique session...but couldn't find the group of them...so i just stay in the gallery and wait...so the two of us...start to chat again....he told me...it was a pleasant conversation...
Fourth time...I was helping a frined to ship back stuff to singapore...and need help to carry the boxes down to the lobby...no one was around except him...in his studio....i ask him to help...he hesitated for like 1 second and agrees to help....
He remembers everything....as we are discussing about how we met....he remembers...
and i asked him....when was the frist time you really ever notice me...if you know what i mean...he said...
there was once when i was wearing my checked blue shirt(which i always do)...but i let down my plaited hair....he was shocked to realised that my hair was that long...becos for days...sitting beside him in his studio...I always bun up my hair...and he has got no idea how long it was.....so he said...yah....that was the first time...and he asked me if i remember him telling me...my hair was amazing....(something like dat..i couldn't remember the exact word he said...but i roughly do remember he did comment something about my long hair...which everybody does when they see it...)
I told him about the times....when we left the school together each day...and at the door...i will always ask him when he will be in school tomolo...and he will tell me the same time...and we will say"see you tommorrow"....before we part...everyday....and each time...I will walk quietly with my head down...for a while...and finally decide to look back...and see him riding away....everyday...i would do that...and everytime...we will hang around the door and say the same thing....and slowly...the time spend at the door drags...and at times...there will be silence...while we stand at the door...and then we will say..." see you tomolo.."....i will always walk...for a while before i turn back and look at him ride away( i never tell him this until he told me...).....then he told me ....actually...he would always turn and look at me for a few times...before he rides away....and he will see me walking home...with my head down.....so...he was also looking at me...but but....we never did see each other turning back and look at each other...we just missed that every time.....
anyway....that was it for the day....enuff to feel real sad when he leaves on friday.
060705
We met in the dissertation conference for our department where we present our essay research to our follow classmates...that was the first time we know the exitence of each other...becos...I asked him a question that he could not answer...during Q&A.
The second time....was in london....and he told me...he thought i was not polite to leave him alone with the rest of the other people and went away alone to china town...at that time...he was hoping to go away with me...becos the group that we are tagging along are not very friendly people.....for me...i intended to drag him along...but i guess there is a misunderstanding somehwere....and i tot he said...he wanted to stay with them....ah...misunderstanding...we could have been better friends then if we were to shop china town in london....maybe things will be different...
Anyway...he said...he thought he should give me a second chance...though he thought I was impolite.. :p
third time...we happened to be in the gallery....only the two of us...that was becos...he was invigilating a friends work...while i am in school hoping to join an extra critique session...but couldn't find the group of them...so i just stay in the gallery and wait...so the two of us...start to chat again....he told me...it was a pleasant conversation...
Fourth time...I was helping a frined to ship back stuff to singapore...and need help to carry the boxes down to the lobby...no one was around except him...in his studio....i ask him to help...he hesitated for like 1 second and agrees to help....
He remembers everything....as we are discussing about how we met....he remembers...
and i asked him....when was the frist time you really ever notice me...if you know what i mean...he said...
there was once when i was wearing my checked blue shirt(which i always do)...but i let down my plaited hair....he was shocked to realised that my hair was that long...becos for days...sitting beside him in his studio...I always bun up my hair...and he has got no idea how long it was.....so he said...yah....that was the first time...and he asked me if i remember him telling me...my hair was amazing....(something like dat..i couldn't remember the exact word he said...but i roughly do remember he did comment something about my long hair...which everybody does when they see it...)
I told him about the times....when we left the school together each day...and at the door...i will always ask him when he will be in school tomolo...and he will tell me the same time...and we will say"see you tommorrow"....before we part...everyday....and each time...I will walk quietly with my head down...for a while...and finally decide to look back...and see him riding away....everyday...i would do that...and everytime...we will hang around the door and say the same thing....and slowly...the time spend at the door drags...and at times...there will be silence...while we stand at the door...and then we will say..." see you tomolo.."....i will always walk...for a while before i turn back and look at him ride away( i never tell him this until he told me...).....then he told me ....actually...he would always turn and look at me for a few times...before he rides away....and he will see me walking home...with my head down.....so...he was also looking at me...but but....we never did see each other turning back and look at each other...we just missed that every time.....
anyway....that was it for the day....enuff to feel real sad when he leaves on friday.
060705
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
28th june 2005
Was a lazy lazy Tuesday with the finest weather Glasgow can ever have....
And i lie on the bed forever...until I had to get up...
It was yet another bizzare day...
280605
And i lie on the bed forever...until I had to get up...
It was yet another bizzare day...
280605
Monday, June 27, 2005
DON"T EVER READ THIS!
I am so afraid that he will read this blog sooner or later....and came first thing in the morning wanting to remove the entire site...but i couldn't do it....part of me wanted him to know this.
This most bizzare and strangest thing happened in my life since last Friday....till now...
And i am not sure how this mess is going to end...
If you are the person i am talking about in my blog right now....
Dun read on...unless you know what you are doing...
270605
This most bizzare and strangest thing happened in my life since last Friday....till now...
And i am not sure how this mess is going to end...
If you are the person i am talking about in my blog right now....
Dun read on...unless you know what you are doing...
270605
Thursday, June 23, 2005
22nd june 2005
It was yesterday..
It was a boring day...things seems to be back to normal...
Normal in the sense...
Left with he and i again.
I am beginning to suspect Bill is correct.
Maybe it will take a longer time to get over him...
But it will take forever to forget this person.
It was a boring day as usual...
and i went to his studio...
he was there...as usual...and we just did nothing...hanging around together...
He asked me to come in his studio...
and he showed me a chocolate muffin...
like always...most peole will forget that i dun like chocolate...and he forgets despite the fact that i have told him more than twice...
but we share it...becos i am really hungry...
while we are looking at the picture he took yesterday...
it was disasterous...becos most of the pictures are blur...
his hands were shaking...becos he was drunk yesterday...
But there was a picture of me...looking at him...
That was a picture I knew he was taking a picture of me...
We went to the library together later in the day...and sit around his studio when the lubrary closes...
we are sitting in the space...I was busy playing my rubiks cube...while he pick up my hair....(my hair is very long and they are in plaits yesterday)..he was looking...one of the plaits were lose and he start to plait them for me...while i am solving my rubiks cube...
then i look at him...at the corner of my eye...he seems to be enjoying what he is doing...
The day past...and time to go home...
He went to my space and I showed him the poster of my korean idol...
then...we walked past the glasgow film theatre where there is another poster of my korean idol again...
i told him...that is the kind of guy i like...
we parted...and he cycle off to meet his parents for dinner...
I went home...
I did not miss him after that when i reach home
...becos i have enough of him for the day already.
230605
It was a boring day...things seems to be back to normal...
Normal in the sense...
Left with he and i again.
I am beginning to suspect Bill is correct.
Maybe it will take a longer time to get over him...
But it will take forever to forget this person.
It was a boring day as usual...
and i went to his studio...
he was there...as usual...and we just did nothing...hanging around together...
He asked me to come in his studio...
and he showed me a chocolate muffin...
like always...most peole will forget that i dun like chocolate...and he forgets despite the fact that i have told him more than twice...
but we share it...becos i am really hungry...
while we are looking at the picture he took yesterday...
it was disasterous...becos most of the pictures are blur...
his hands were shaking...becos he was drunk yesterday...
But there was a picture of me...looking at him...
That was a picture I knew he was taking a picture of me...
We went to the library together later in the day...and sit around his studio when the lubrary closes...
we are sitting in the space...I was busy playing my rubiks cube...while he pick up my hair....(my hair is very long and they are in plaits yesterday)..he was looking...one of the plaits were lose and he start to plait them for me...while i am solving my rubiks cube...
then i look at him...at the corner of my eye...he seems to be enjoying what he is doing...
The day past...and time to go home...
He went to my space and I showed him the poster of my korean idol...
then...we walked past the glasgow film theatre where there is another poster of my korean idol again...
i told him...that is the kind of guy i like...
we parted...and he cycle off to meet his parents for dinner...
I went home...
I did not miss him after that when i reach home
...becos i have enough of him for the day already.
230605
21st june 2005
The SEA departmental party in Partick hill bowling club...
I went to the party with Danny, David and Alec...we went to buy prawn crackers...
and sausages...
He was not around for the whole day becos he went to edinburgh with his parents...
His gf went back to london this afternoon...
I was in school walking around...
I made a few new friends yesterday..mathew from photography...who is quite a cute guy..and we kept seeing each other at the basement becos his studio is just next to me...
tris another guy fom photography...whose studio is across my studio...and i always when to his studio to steal teacakes which is suppose to be for his audience...he caught me a few times...
And another guy...who is a gradute lats year and i dun noe his name...he is a part time janitor for the degree show...and he spent quite some time in my space that afternoon...and he ask me if i really hate glasgow so much...haha...then we had a nice chat at the staircase for a while...and later outside my studo...and we talk about our work...
So...i am beginning to notice other people in my world...
and..the world is still beautiful...
meanwhile...back to the story about the party...it was a nice and friendly party..becos for me...at least this is a party where i know everybody....and i am still enjoying myself chatting with a classmate...
he was not around for the whole day...but it was fine..
then after like 2 hours later...i had a missed call...
it was him...he was back from edinburgh...
and i told him the location of the party and he found his way here...
i was still happy to see him...
definitely...
but not becos i have got anymore fantasy about him...
but we have become such good friends...
he gave me a wink...from another crowd where he is "socialising'
while i chat with lindsey...
then at some point...
he ask me to go over to his side...and we talk a bit...
he took some pictures of me making funny faces...and we took some picture together...
making funny faces...
then he took pictures of me with other friends...
I tried a sip of white wine from his glass...and we share a sausage...
I am not sure if that is too intimate for friends to do that...
but i think...we are just so "friend" that we dun really mind this kind of things...
not a boy-girl relationship...but a buddy one.
I realise...I no longer feel akward...
becos I am not hoping anything to happen anymore...
I just want to enjoy a pure reliance for each other...
Just that kind of friendship between he and me.
He was quite drunk at the end of the day...
and Danny my classmate was acting funny after a few pints...
Then something really amusing and flattered...
(Danny, a classmate of mine...who came to me a few times and told me I look lovely in my dress during the degree show..)
We were sitting inside the bowling club...
He was sitting beside me...and we are talking...
Danny was sitting right opposite him...
suddenly...danny was looking at him...with a stern look...
and told him...this is between the two of them....
the two man shake hands...among his slurring...i heard my name...
something like...it is about me...
then i felt a bit embarass...and told the rest of the people sitting around the table
"I dun noe these two guys'
Then...i gave him a pat on his back...and he gave Danny a cigarette...
so...it was resolved...but i still dun noe what they had just resolved..
something regarding me...
soon...it was 12am..
The party stopped...
and everybody pack up...
"Shall we go" he said...
and we are the first to go...
Two of us...we walked out...and head for his bicycle...
i asked him if he is sober enough to ride his bicycle...
he said...he will walk with me for a while...
so we walked together...
It was chilly...
it drizzled suddenly...
We both curse the glasgow weather at the same time...
but i enjoy this moment.
we walked past kelvingrove museum...and he took a couple of picture of it with the red sky...
he took a picture of me...holding his bicycle...
We walked past a slug...and i told him about the story of me killing a snail accidentalyy when i was a kid...and i told him... i suspect will become a snail in my next life...
he said...he will remember that and the next time he sees a snail...he will noe it is me...
we are at a Y junction...but both way will reach my home...
he said...we shall walked past the most beautiful road of glasgow...becos we dun have anymore time together in the future (becos he is going back to greece soon...)
It was a nice walk...
all the walk with him is always nice...
Then..i was near my flat...it was actually also somewhere he used to lived in last year...but we never met in the past...although we almost stay in the same street...mine was at a corner...his was on the main street...he told me about the story where he was being fine by the police for throwing his trash on the wrong day...i told him...i always put my trash in the lane...we had a good luagh...
and i told him to ride carefully home...becos i know he is drunk...
I ask if he is still sober...
he said he knows what he is doing...
Then he ride away...
230605
I went to the party with Danny, David and Alec...we went to buy prawn crackers...
and sausages...
He was not around for the whole day becos he went to edinburgh with his parents...
His gf went back to london this afternoon...
I was in school walking around...
I made a few new friends yesterday..mathew from photography...who is quite a cute guy..and we kept seeing each other at the basement becos his studio is just next to me...
tris another guy fom photography...whose studio is across my studio...and i always when to his studio to steal teacakes which is suppose to be for his audience...he caught me a few times...
And another guy...who is a gradute lats year and i dun noe his name...he is a part time janitor for the degree show...and he spent quite some time in my space that afternoon...and he ask me if i really hate glasgow so much...haha...then we had a nice chat at the staircase for a while...and later outside my studo...and we talk about our work...
So...i am beginning to notice other people in my world...
and..the world is still beautiful...
meanwhile...back to the story about the party...it was a nice and friendly party..becos for me...at least this is a party where i know everybody....and i am still enjoying myself chatting with a classmate...
he was not around for the whole day...but it was fine..
then after like 2 hours later...i had a missed call...
it was him...he was back from edinburgh...
and i told him the location of the party and he found his way here...
i was still happy to see him...
definitely...
but not becos i have got anymore fantasy about him...
but we have become such good friends...
he gave me a wink...from another crowd where he is "socialising'
while i chat with lindsey...
then at some point...
he ask me to go over to his side...and we talk a bit...
he took some pictures of me making funny faces...and we took some picture together...
making funny faces...
then he took pictures of me with other friends...
I tried a sip of white wine from his glass...and we share a sausage...
I am not sure if that is too intimate for friends to do that...
but i think...we are just so "friend" that we dun really mind this kind of things...
not a boy-girl relationship...but a buddy one.
I realise...I no longer feel akward...
becos I am not hoping anything to happen anymore...
I just want to enjoy a pure reliance for each other...
Just that kind of friendship between he and me.
He was quite drunk at the end of the day...
and Danny my classmate was acting funny after a few pints...
Then something really amusing and flattered...
(Danny, a classmate of mine...who came to me a few times and told me I look lovely in my dress during the degree show..)
We were sitting inside the bowling club...
He was sitting beside me...and we are talking...
Danny was sitting right opposite him...
suddenly...danny was looking at him...with a stern look...
and told him...this is between the two of them....
the two man shake hands...among his slurring...i heard my name...
something like...it is about me...
then i felt a bit embarass...and told the rest of the people sitting around the table
"I dun noe these two guys'
Then...i gave him a pat on his back...and he gave Danny a cigarette...
so...it was resolved...but i still dun noe what they had just resolved..
something regarding me...
soon...it was 12am..
The party stopped...
and everybody pack up...
"Shall we go" he said...
and we are the first to go...
Two of us...we walked out...and head for his bicycle...
i asked him if he is sober enough to ride his bicycle...
he said...he will walk with me for a while...
so we walked together...
It was chilly...
it drizzled suddenly...
We both curse the glasgow weather at the same time...
but i enjoy this moment.
we walked past kelvingrove museum...and he took a couple of picture of it with the red sky...
he took a picture of me...holding his bicycle...
We walked past a slug...and i told him about the story of me killing a snail accidentalyy when i was a kid...and i told him... i suspect will become a snail in my next life...
he said...he will remember that and the next time he sees a snail...he will noe it is me...
we are at a Y junction...but both way will reach my home...
he said...we shall walked past the most beautiful road of glasgow...becos we dun have anymore time together in the future (becos he is going back to greece soon...)
It was a nice walk...
all the walk with him is always nice...
Then..i was near my flat...it was actually also somewhere he used to lived in last year...but we never met in the past...although we almost stay in the same street...mine was at a corner...his was on the main street...he told me about the story where he was being fine by the police for throwing his trash on the wrong day...i told him...i always put my trash in the lane...we had a good luagh...
and i told him to ride carefully home...becos i know he is drunk...
I ask if he is still sober...
he said he knows what he is doing...
Then he ride away...
230605
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
20th June 2005
Today is the day...I totally get over a him.
Totally.
I was actually feeling quite calm and peaceful.
Not much stir or movements...in my heart...
Slowly...I get used to the fact that I dun have to be around or with him all the time...
after these two days where i tried my best to avoid him...and realise i am ok without him.
Then ...
I got this moment where I got to share some moments alone with HER.
His gf.
She is really a nice girl.
very sweet and frenly.
We did have a few chance to chat...
So there was this instance where i went to hie studio again in the afternoon...
I knew she will be there...
I am just bored...and he is my only few friends here...
But when i reach there...he is not around...but she is.
she invited me to his control room...and i hesitated...
she was smiling and ask if i am afraid to go in...
of cos not...i said in my heart...i have been inside for too many times...
we went in and kept very quiet when visitors come and go...to his interactive space...
we giggle at times when we see people acting funny in the space...
and she is really a very friendly girl...
Then a couple came in....speaking in greek...
and then he came back...expalining his work...
then another couple came in...they are his parents from greece.
As the both of us girls laugh at what his parents were doing...hoping and making hand gesture to play with the real time interatctive media....she told me that his parents dun seem to like her a lot...and always show a very stern face...while her parents like him a lot...
I told her to be patient and things will be better hopefully in the future...
they are together for 7 years...
it was like listening to a close friend telling me about her little secret...
she is really a very sweet girl...a very pretty one too.
then...after so much giggling we had in the control room...
He left with his parents and his parents' friends...
I sneak out of the room without them seeing me while she wait for him to go back...
I walked home smiling...
and have made up my mind to get over him...
in fact i did.
And futhermore both are my friends now...
I give them my blessing.
I hope they will be happy.
Then i will be happy.
230605
Totally.
I was actually feeling quite calm and peaceful.
Not much stir or movements...in my heart...
Slowly...I get used to the fact that I dun have to be around or with him all the time...
after these two days where i tried my best to avoid him...and realise i am ok without him.
Then ...
I got this moment where I got to share some moments alone with HER.
His gf.
She is really a nice girl.
very sweet and frenly.
We did have a few chance to chat...
So there was this instance where i went to hie studio again in the afternoon...
I knew she will be there...
I am just bored...and he is my only few friends here...
But when i reach there...he is not around...but she is.
she invited me to his control room...and i hesitated...
she was smiling and ask if i am afraid to go in...
of cos not...i said in my heart...i have been inside for too many times...
we went in and kept very quiet when visitors come and go...to his interactive space...
we giggle at times when we see people acting funny in the space...
and she is really a very friendly girl...
Then a couple came in....speaking in greek...
and then he came back...expalining his work...
then another couple came in...they are his parents from greece.
As the both of us girls laugh at what his parents were doing...hoping and making hand gesture to play with the real time interatctive media....she told me that his parents dun seem to like her a lot...and always show a very stern face...while her parents like him a lot...
I told her to be patient and things will be better hopefully in the future...
they are together for 7 years...
it was like listening to a close friend telling me about her little secret...
she is really a very sweet girl...a very pretty one too.
then...after so much giggling we had in the control room...
He left with his parents and his parents' friends...
I sneak out of the room without them seeing me while she wait for him to go back...
I walked home smiling...
and have made up my mind to get over him...
in fact i did.
And futhermore both are my friends now...
I give them my blessing.
I hope they will be happy.
Then i will be happy.
230605
Monday, June 20, 2005
19th June...
Sent wendy to the bus-stop...
for her flight to go home...in the morning...
****
Reach school at around 2pm...went to his studio becos mine was not open yet...
saw him and her at the door...
and i told him i want to return him things...
Return him the key...
and the mp3 player that he lent me....which he says i can keep...
and a plug for the DVD player which he gave me before the assessment...
I have got loads of stuff...from him...
And he was amused...he din even remember that he lent me so many things...
and he said..."you witch!...how come I lent you so many things..."
he always call me the chinese witch...as a joke...
So i went away....
Went to his studio later a fter a few hours...
and i din see him...I knew he was behind the walls again in the control room...
she was not around as well....I knew she is inside too...
I pop my head into the space...
and then i left...
my mobile rang...twice...and had a text message...
it was him...
he saw me from his video camera from him control room...and ask me to come in...
I opened the liitle door....and i knew she was there too...
I just say...hi...and ask him if he had a lot of visitor today...
He told me...he is going to the branes today...if i want to use the internet connection in his studio there..
that old studio ...
I meet him and her after 5pm...and went there...
I always feel weird that the 3 of us walk together...like this..
but the door of the barnes cannot be accessed..becos it was sunday...
i was disappointed...and he said...he had connection at home...
I rejected his suggestion...becos it would be more akward...for me to go to his place...with the two of them...
Then i saw someone's car...
and recognise it was cecil...
he called her...
and she open the door for us...cecil is a MFA student..and had access on sunday.
We went in and plug in my laptop...
It was nice to go back to that old computer studio again...becos this is the place that build our friendship...
While she is checking her emails...
I return him the money he lent me weeks ago for paying my school fees....
i thought something should be resolved...the money...and my fantasy...
I wished him luck...and put the money i owe him in a red packet( we chinese give blessing by putting money in a red packet...)
Then...after a while...he and she left...while i stayed behind...and go back to my cyberspace...
I was enjoying moments of solitude and peace...and feeling rather happy.
about 15 minutes later...he called and ask me to open the door for him...
he came back with an ancient looking fire extinguisher...
and said he found in a burnt down house...along the way back..and he came back to put this in the studio...
she went home..i thing...
then we had another chat for a while...and he left...
230605
200605
for her flight to go home...in the morning...
****
Reach school at around 2pm...went to his studio becos mine was not open yet...
saw him and her at the door...
and i told him i want to return him things...
Return him the key...
and the mp3 player that he lent me....which he says i can keep...
and a plug for the DVD player which he gave me before the assessment...
I have got loads of stuff...from him...
And he was amused...he din even remember that he lent me so many things...
and he said..."you witch!...how come I lent you so many things..."
he always call me the chinese witch...as a joke...
So i went away....
Went to his studio later a fter a few hours...
and i din see him...I knew he was behind the walls again in the control room...
she was not around as well....I knew she is inside too...
I pop my head into the space...
and then i left...
my mobile rang...twice...and had a text message...
it was him...
he saw me from his video camera from him control room...and ask me to come in...
I opened the liitle door....and i knew she was there too...
I just say...hi...and ask him if he had a lot of visitor today...
He told me...he is going to the branes today...if i want to use the internet connection in his studio there..
that old studio ...
I meet him and her after 5pm...and went there...
I always feel weird that the 3 of us walk together...like this..
but the door of the barnes cannot be accessed..becos it was sunday...
i was disappointed...and he said...he had connection at home...
I rejected his suggestion...becos it would be more akward...for me to go to his place...with the two of them...
Then i saw someone's car...
and recognise it was cecil...
he called her...
and she open the door for us...cecil is a MFA student..and had access on sunday.
We went in and plug in my laptop...
It was nice to go back to that old computer studio again...becos this is the place that build our friendship...
While she is checking her emails...
I return him the money he lent me weeks ago for paying my school fees....
i thought something should be resolved...the money...and my fantasy...
I wished him luck...and put the money i owe him in a red packet( we chinese give blessing by putting money in a red packet...)
Then...after a while...he and she left...while i stayed behind...and go back to my cyberspace...
I was enjoying moments of solitude and peace...and feeling rather happy.
about 15 minutes later...he called and ask me to open the door for him...
he came back with an ancient looking fire extinguisher...
and said he found in a burnt down house...along the way back..and he came back to put this in the studio...
she went home..i thing...
then we had another chat for a while...and he left...
230605
200605
Just a hug...
17th June 2005...something i alomost forget...
It happened before I saw him holding her hands...
It was almost the end of the degree show for the night and everyone is packing...to join the street party...
I ran to his space...for the last time...wanting to tell him I am going home...
She was there...
He was in his little studio...behind the walls...
I went in...and she was outside waiting...
i was there to get some of my stuff...
I left some of my stuff in his space...
Then...before i go...
I told me..." Something I forget to say...congradulations.."
And I gave him a hug...
Then I say.."see you tomolo..."
And he says"NO!...you are going to be at the party tonight..."
The street party he meant...
I promise him I am going...and said "see you later..'
I did went to the street party in the end.
As you all know...
and that was the party that broke my heart...on the 17th June 2005.
It happened before I saw him holding her hands...
It was almost the end of the degree show for the night and everyone is packing...to join the street party...
I ran to his space...for the last time...wanting to tell him I am going home...
She was there...
He was in his little studio...behind the walls...
I went in...and she was outside waiting...
i was there to get some of my stuff...
I left some of my stuff in his space...
Then...before i go...
I told me..." Something I forget to say...congradulations.."
And I gave him a hug...
Then I say.."see you tomolo..."
And he says"NO!...you are going to be at the party tonight..."
The street party he meant...
I promise him I am going...and said "see you later..'
I did went to the street party in the end.
As you all know...
and that was the party that broke my heart...on the 17th June 2005.
Still 18th June...
we are back from Edinburgh...
And i had to see him...
I went to his studio...
and she was there...
He was inside his studio behind the little control room...
while she is in the interactive space...
she saw me...and smile...and said...
"he was talking about you for the whole day...and say why din you come over..'
I was slightly happy...but I know she is just being polite...
I told him i went to edinburgh...and is going home soon....
****
I was outside the school after packing my laptop....and just outside the school building...I saw him and her...
walking together...holding hands...
I was walking right behind...like 10 metres away...
I search for my camera...and SHIT!...i forget to bring...
I wanted to take a picture of their backview holding hands....
Not to remember it...instead...to forget...
Becos...I am going to rememebr this scene forever becos I dun have a camera with me then...
I cannot load this image off my mind...
That scene that pinch my heart again...
I was caught in a dllemma whether to call out to him or not...
It would have beem weird to interupt becos they look like they are enjoying some little moments together...
I called out to him softly...and swallow my voice...
and just walked behind them....becos that was also my way home..
Today...he din ride a bike to school and walked home with her...that wasvery nice...
Then...
she suddenly stopped....and take pictures of a building...
while he waited...
he turn around...
AND SAW ME....
I smiled at him......and he made a hand gesture to shoot me...
I pretend to get hitted by him...
and we laugh...then his gf saw me...
we are like 10 metres apart then...
I join their walk...which i feel a bit bad...becos I interupted their moment...
and the walking position is funny...
I was talking to him....and walked on his side...while his gf was slightly between and behind us...
Then i realise that and feel bad...so...i widen the gap between us...so that she can come in between...
becos I am really shouldn't be the one standing beside him...
Then I end up talking to him..with her standing betwwen us...
I asked him....if his studio back in the barnes building is empty now..
" Did you want the key?...and he took out his key...
and he was tempting me with his key...
He gave me the key...
Then she stopped and took pictures again...and I walked with him further down...and he told me we dun have to be inschool early...becos studio is open at 2pm tomolo...we are smiling...and his girfren came over...and asked why are we laughing so happily...we told her about my retarded discovery...
We parted at the junction...and said good bye...smiling at him...and his gf.
*****
Backed at home....
I spent the whole night watching korean movie...
I was slightly feeling better becos my attention was slighty diverted to be in love with the drama...
Until the next morning...I have realise something...
All the while...it was a misunderstanding of gesture...
I mistook his gesture of friendship for love.
He is still very nice to me...in front of his girlfren...and he never did look akward...
I was more like a buddy to him...
200605
And i had to see him...
I went to his studio...
and she was there...
He was inside his studio behind the little control room...
while she is in the interactive space...
she saw me...and smile...and said...
"he was talking about you for the whole day...and say why din you come over..'
I was slightly happy...but I know she is just being polite...
I told him i went to edinburgh...and is going home soon....
****
I was outside the school after packing my laptop....and just outside the school building...I saw him and her...
walking together...holding hands...
I was walking right behind...like 10 metres away...
I search for my camera...and SHIT!...i forget to bring...
I wanted to take a picture of their backview holding hands....
Not to remember it...instead...to forget...
Becos...I am going to rememebr this scene forever becos I dun have a camera with me then...
I cannot load this image off my mind...
That scene that pinch my heart again...
I was caught in a dllemma whether to call out to him or not...
It would have beem weird to interupt becos they look like they are enjoying some little moments together...
I called out to him softly...and swallow my voice...
and just walked behind them....becos that was also my way home..
Today...he din ride a bike to school and walked home with her...that wasvery nice...
Then...
she suddenly stopped....and take pictures of a building...
while he waited...
he turn around...
AND SAW ME....
I smiled at him......and he made a hand gesture to shoot me...
I pretend to get hitted by him...
and we laugh...then his gf saw me...
we are like 10 metres apart then...
I join their walk...which i feel a bit bad...becos I interupted their moment...
and the walking position is funny...
I was talking to him....and walked on his side...while his gf was slightly between and behind us...
Then i realise that and feel bad...so...i widen the gap between us...so that she can come in between...
becos I am really shouldn't be the one standing beside him...
Then I end up talking to him..with her standing betwwen us...
I asked him....if his studio back in the barnes building is empty now..
" Did you want the key?...and he took out his key...
and he was tempting me with his key...
He gave me the key...
Then she stopped and took pictures again...and I walked with him further down...and he told me we dun have to be inschool early...becos studio is open at 2pm tomolo...we are smiling...and his girfren came over...and asked why are we laughing so happily...we told her about my retarded discovery...
We parted at the junction...and said good bye...smiling at him...and his gf.
*****
Backed at home....
I spent the whole night watching korean movie...
I was slightly feeling better becos my attention was slighty diverted to be in love with the drama...
Until the next morning...I have realise something...
All the while...it was a misunderstanding of gesture...
I mistook his gesture of friendship for love.
He is still very nice to me...in front of his girlfren...and he never did look akward...
I was more like a buddy to him...
200605
18th June 2005...
I survive...
I went to Edinburgh with Wendy today...
I was walking with her to the train station....while we walk past all the shops...
walking pass Greggs bakery...and I told her...
"This is the Greggs that he always buy the scones..."
Then walking pass another Greggs...I told her...
"This was the Greggs...he bought the chicken Mayo sandwich..."
At the train station....wendy went to WHS to buy some drinks...
I told her I just want water...
And she says it is cheaper to buy the fizzy drinks...
and she bought FANTA Orange...
She ask if it was ok...
I actually do like it...
Then I told her on the train...
"FANTA orange is his favourite drink..."
We went to Edinburgh...and head for the old town...and I told her...
" He mentioned that he is planning to stay in the old town next year..."
We went to a quilt making factory...and wendy made a copper lucky penny...with a machine...and i told her...
"He had a similar one which says.."my lucky penny"...he showed me before..."
Walked pass a street market...selling jewellery...saw some toe ring...and told her...
"he likes to play with my toe rings..."
Aye...everything today is about him.
It was not wendy's fault...thay just happen...and they happen so cruelly.
I always believe things happen for a reason...
They happened...because my heart is broken...
That was on 18th June 2005
200605
I went to Edinburgh with Wendy today...
I was walking with her to the train station....while we walk past all the shops...
walking pass Greggs bakery...and I told her...
"This is the Greggs that he always buy the scones..."
Then walking pass another Greggs...I told her...
"This was the Greggs...he bought the chicken Mayo sandwich..."
At the train station....wendy went to WHS to buy some drinks...
I told her I just want water...
And she says it is cheaper to buy the fizzy drinks...
and she bought FANTA Orange...
She ask if it was ok...
I actually do like it...
Then I told her on the train...
"FANTA orange is his favourite drink..."
We went to Edinburgh...and head for the old town...and I told her...
" He mentioned that he is planning to stay in the old town next year..."
We went to a quilt making factory...and wendy made a copper lucky penny...with a machine...and i told her...
"He had a similar one which says.."my lucky penny"...he showed me before..."
Walked pass a street market...selling jewellery...saw some toe ring...and told her...
"he likes to play with my toe rings..."
Aye...everything today is about him.
It was not wendy's fault...thay just happen...and they happen so cruelly.
I always believe things happen for a reason...
They happened...because my heart is broken...
That was on 18th June 2005
200605
Again...17th June 2005...
Heartbroken...
I went home with wendy...
I am not sure if it is something good to have a best friend around while I am feeling sad...
Becos...i will usually pretend that I am fine...
so as not to worry them...
We went home..and i called JM...my friend in Manchester...who is a secondary classmate of wendy...
I was sobbing to him that i was heartbroken...
Both wendy and Jm concluded that...I AM NOT...becos I was NOT EVEN A THIRD PARTY...
Then...Jm did the most funny thing he had ever did...
He said..." Chyiyun...there is something very cruel I want to tell you..."
I said.." Yah...say.."
He said..." I am heartbroken as well...becos....my mobile phone bill is £4.80 now...talking to you like this..."
He is a cheapskate just like me...
I burst into laughter becos I know he is not joking....
And wendy was laughing too....
*****
Late at night...Wendy fell asleep...
I sat on my bed...and think of a lot of things...
I sent text message to yahui my another best fren in singapore and told her I am heartbroken...
and appeal for her to sent me some love...
I am heartbroken...i really am.
that night...it was 3am...18th June already...
I manage to survive till the next day...with my bleeding heart...
200605
I went home with wendy...
I am not sure if it is something good to have a best friend around while I am feeling sad...
Becos...i will usually pretend that I am fine...
so as not to worry them...
We went home..and i called JM...my friend in Manchester...who is a secondary classmate of wendy...
I was sobbing to him that i was heartbroken...
Both wendy and Jm concluded that...I AM NOT...becos I was NOT EVEN A THIRD PARTY...
Then...Jm did the most funny thing he had ever did...
He said..." Chyiyun...there is something very cruel I want to tell you..."
I said.." Yah...say.."
He said..." I am heartbroken as well...becos....my mobile phone bill is £4.80 now...talking to you like this..."
He is a cheapskate just like me...
I burst into laughter becos I know he is not joking....
And wendy was laughing too....
*****
Late at night...Wendy fell asleep...
I sat on my bed...and think of a lot of things...
I sent text message to yahui my another best fren in singapore and told her I am heartbroken...
and appeal for her to sent me some love...
I am heartbroken...i really am.
that night...it was 3am...18th June already...
I manage to survive till the next day...with my bleeding heart...
200605
Still 17th of June 2005
While he was holding her hand and i walked behind...we met Heather my best fren in school...
She asked him to introduce her...
And i was standing beside looking at them...
he look so affectionate when he introduce her...
I walked away...
I went back to wendy...
She was waiting for me in the crowd...
I was so sad by then...but i wanted to see him for the last time.
I know i am not sensible anymore...
I called him and ask where is he...
And he told me he was near the Vic bar...i went there and he was at a corner...with her...
I SHOULDN'T HAVE COME OVER...
I walked towards them...
and he said the most hurting words i have heard from him...
"I shall be a gentleman today and let you sit on my jacket..."
And he lay his jacket on the floor and let me sit on it...at one side of the corner...
I was touched...but hurt too..and said jokingly..."yah...and the rest of the days...you are a bastard.."
while he sat with his gf...at the other side...
It was the next hurtful moments...after the hand holding episode...
Becos...I felt like an intruder...
someone extra....
someone...who shouldn't be there at all...
I asked him if he is still angry with that drunk woman...
and he said..." Chyi Yun...why din you help me...We can beat them up together..."(something like that...)
I smile....
We sat there for a while...while he took pictures of the crowd in front with his gf's camera....
while i was holding on to his camera and took pictures of him..and his gf...
he showed the pics to his gf on his right...
and turn to his left to show me...
I was surprise...but slightly feeling confused...
Then...I stood up..and said i am leaving...becos my friend, wendy who fly over from singapore to see me is waiting for me...
They also stood up and plan to leave...
He wanted to take his jacket...and I pick that up instead...and say this to him...
"I will be a gentle lady today...to put this on for you..."
he replied..."and the rest of the days you are a bastard.."
I replied .."yah.." ..and pretend to strangle him......
Then...while we walked out of the corner...
someone on the way stopped us...
our classmate alison..and ask him to introduce her...
he did..and my classmates asked...."Is she your girlfren?"
And SHE NODDED HER HEAD...
I couldn't remember what was his replied...
becos I was already walking away...when I heard alison ask this..and by the time i turn my head and wanted to look at his expression...HER NOD caught me...but i think i heard him admitting it...but i forget what he says...
One more thing to add to the confirmation...which convince me...I have been fantasizing all the while...
It was all my colorful imagination of this world....
Things really did happened...but not the way I thought they meant to be...
All was just a silly girl's fantasy...
My silly single-minded, one-sided...love story.
It was shattered into a million,billion...trillion pieces...
My heart...that is.
This happened on the 17th June 2005
200605
She asked him to introduce her...
And i was standing beside looking at them...
he look so affectionate when he introduce her...
I walked away...
I went back to wendy...
She was waiting for me in the crowd...
I was so sad by then...but i wanted to see him for the last time.
I know i am not sensible anymore...
I called him and ask where is he...
And he told me he was near the Vic bar...i went there and he was at a corner...with her...
I SHOULDN'T HAVE COME OVER...
I walked towards them...
and he said the most hurting words i have heard from him...
"I shall be a gentleman today and let you sit on my jacket..."
And he lay his jacket on the floor and let me sit on it...at one side of the corner...
I was touched...but hurt too..and said jokingly..."yah...and the rest of the days...you are a bastard.."
while he sat with his gf...at the other side...
It was the next hurtful moments...after the hand holding episode...
Becos...I felt like an intruder...
someone extra....
someone...who shouldn't be there at all...
I asked him if he is still angry with that drunk woman...
and he said..." Chyi Yun...why din you help me...We can beat them up together..."(something like that...)
I smile....
We sat there for a while...while he took pictures of the crowd in front with his gf's camera....
while i was holding on to his camera and took pictures of him..and his gf...
he showed the pics to his gf on his right...
and turn to his left to show me...
I was surprise...but slightly feeling confused...
Then...I stood up..and said i am leaving...becos my friend, wendy who fly over from singapore to see me is waiting for me...
They also stood up and plan to leave...
He wanted to take his jacket...and I pick that up instead...and say this to him...
"I will be a gentle lady today...to put this on for you..."
he replied..."and the rest of the days you are a bastard.."
I replied .."yah.." ..and pretend to strangle him......
Then...while we walked out of the corner...
someone on the way stopped us...
our classmate alison..and ask him to introduce her...
he did..and my classmates asked...."Is she your girlfren?"
And SHE NODDED HER HEAD...
I couldn't remember what was his replied...
becos I was already walking away...when I heard alison ask this..and by the time i turn my head and wanted to look at his expression...HER NOD caught me...but i think i heard him admitting it...but i forget what he says...
One more thing to add to the confirmation...which convince me...I have been fantasizing all the while...
It was all my colorful imagination of this world....
Things really did happened...but not the way I thought they meant to be...
All was just a silly girl's fantasy...
My silly single-minded, one-sided...love story.
It was shattered into a million,billion...trillion pieces...
My heart...that is.
This happened on the 17th June 2005
200605
The Ultimate Heartbreaker...17th June 2005
Friday...
There was a street party for the degree show...I was standing near him...
as well as his girlfriend...
then someone spill beer on him...and his beloved newly bought camera...
his girlfriend quickly found a piece of cloth and help him to wipe his camera...
while me...I dun have anything accept for my dress...haha
I stood there and watch becos i am in no position to show my concern...
if you know what i mean...who am I to be so anxious about him...
he look angry...becos the beer was spilled over him by a drunk girl...who did it on purpose and is still laughing...
and did not apologise...
he was almost going to start a fight while his girlfriend was helping him to dry his camera...and calming him down...
yet...he looked angry...and he gave me a glance...I look back...with a look that says..."dun do it"...
Then...after a while...a man came over and apologise on behalf of the girl...
Then the three of us...his gf, him amd me...left that spot for some other place...I knew she was his gf...but I need a confirm gesture to utterly convince me...
And that was it...we left the spot with him holding her hands...
and me...walking right behind them...
I am utterly convince.
That was 17th June 2005
There was a street party for the degree show...I was standing near him...
as well as his girlfriend...
then someone spill beer on him...and his beloved newly bought camera...
his girlfriend quickly found a piece of cloth and help him to wipe his camera...
while me...I dun have anything accept for my dress...haha
I stood there and watch becos i am in no position to show my concern...
if you know what i mean...who am I to be so anxious about him...
he look angry...becos the beer was spilled over him by a drunk girl...who did it on purpose and is still laughing...
and did not apologise...
he was almost going to start a fight while his girlfriend was helping him to dry his camera...and calming him down...
yet...he looked angry...and he gave me a glance...I look back...with a look that says..."dun do it"...
Then...after a while...a man came over and apologise on behalf of the girl...
Then the three of us...his gf, him amd me...left that spot for some other place...I knew she was his gf...but I need a confirm gesture to utterly convince me...
And that was it...we left the spot with him holding her hands...
and me...walking right behind them...
I am utterly convince.
That was 17th June 2005
The introduction...
He introduce a very sweet girl to me on Thursday...
I have the gut feeling that she is the person I mosted wanted to see.
His girlfriend.
He did not mention that she is...but I can feel it.
That was on 16th June 2005.
200605
I have the gut feeling that she is the person I mosted wanted to see.
His girlfriend.
He did not mention that she is...but I can feel it.
That was on 16th June 2005.
200605
15th june 2005
Met him in the afternoon...becos of the camera deal...
He was absolutely delighted.
Two days ago...I asked him if i can get a commsion out of this transaction...
and he said What do you want?"
I told him..."Chiken mayo sandwich..."
He replied.." Just that?"
And I continued.." for a life time.."
He said..." we will discuss about that..."
I know it is a ridiculous request...which he will not grant me.
We said "see you later" to each other to go to the opening for the MFA show...but I din go...
becos Wendy my best fren is here...and i stayed home to cooked her dinner.
I am too lazy to go as well...just too lazy...
That was wednesday...
200605
He was absolutely delighted.
Two days ago...I asked him if i can get a commsion out of this transaction...
and he said What do you want?"
I told him..."Chiken mayo sandwich..."
He replied.." Just that?"
And I continued.." for a life time.."
He said..." we will discuss about that..."
I know it is a ridiculous request...which he will not grant me.
We said "see you later" to each other to go to the opening for the MFA show...but I din go...
becos Wendy my best fren is here...and i stayed home to cooked her dinner.
I am too lazy to go as well...just too lazy...
That was wednesday...
200605
14th June 2005
That was the happiest day I had In Glasgow.
Happiest...
That was the day i did almost absolutely nothing but is with him for the whole day.
As if I am not with him everyday for the past 5 weeks...
Still in Ailsa's caravan most of the time...
My toes ring...
The steps on the main hall...
The steps outside Aiilsa's caravan...
The bluff game...
Sorry...I dun feel like elaborating what happened...too sad to.
But I will rememeber them.
200605
Happiest...
That was the day i did almost absolutely nothing but is with him for the whole day.
As if I am not with him everyday for the past 5 weeks...
Still in Ailsa's caravan most of the time...
My toes ring...
The steps on the main hall...
The steps outside Aiilsa's caravan...
The bluff game...
Sorry...I dun feel like elaborating what happened...too sad to.
But I will rememeber them.
200605
13th June 2005
We went back to school after coming back from the camera shop...
and head for the library to go online...then Bax called...
and I logged off...before i go...I told "him" I had to run...
Just outside the mac building...I met Bax...and we went off together for tea...
On the way walking past the library...he walked past us across the street...and i waved at him...
He gave me a weird smile...
But after having tea with Bax,...I went back to school and called him...asking him where is he...
but is too lazy to go over and find him..I stayed at Ailsa's caravan...and had a nice cup of tea...
and text him telling him..I am too lazy.
He come over later...and we spent some nice lazy afternoon in her caravan...
That was 13th june 2005
and head for the library to go online...then Bax called...
and I logged off...before i go...I told "him" I had to run...
Just outside the mac building...I met Bax...and we went off together for tea...
On the way walking past the library...he walked past us across the street...and i waved at him...
He gave me a weird smile...
But after having tea with Bax,...I went back to school and called him...asking him where is he...
but is too lazy to go over and find him..I stayed at Ailsa's caravan...and had a nice cup of tea...
and text him telling him..I am too lazy.
He come over later...and we spent some nice lazy afternoon in her caravan...
That was 13th june 2005
Canon 300D
He wanted a camera so badly...
While a friend of mine had one.
I went to second handed camera shop with him on monday...
He was riding his bicyle and i walked...as usual.
He bought me a chicken mayo sandwich on the way...
We finally reached there but he was disappointed that the shop did not have the model he wanted.
I asked him how disappointed is he...and estimated the disappointed level by making a distance between my hands...
he said..."a bit more.."
And i told him...not to be ...
He was so desperate...and he ask me to call Gerard to ask him if he is willing to sell his.
I showed him Gerards camera the week before..and he is so excited about it...
And surprise surprise....Gerard is willing to sell his.
But..we need to wait for him to come back from Edinburgh...
So we went back to school...while I am meeting Bax at 1pm.
This happened on 13th June 2005.
While a friend of mine had one.
I went to second handed camera shop with him on monday...
He was riding his bicyle and i walked...as usual.
He bought me a chicken mayo sandwich on the way...
We finally reached there but he was disappointed that the shop did not have the model he wanted.
I asked him how disappointed is he...and estimated the disappointed level by making a distance between my hands...
he said..."a bit more.."
And i told him...not to be ...
He was so desperate...and he ask me to call Gerard to ask him if he is willing to sell his.
I showed him Gerards camera the week before..and he is so excited about it...
And surprise surprise....Gerard is willing to sell his.
But..we need to wait for him to come back from Edinburgh...
So we went back to school...while I am meeting Bax at 1pm.
This happened on 13th June 2005.
Herald says...
A review on Glasgow School of Art degree show 2005...
http://www.theherald.co.uk/features/41355.html
Which mentioned my work with a paragraph...
But they spelled my name wrongly...as usual...
The people here never spell my name correctly.
190605
http://www.theherald.co.uk/features/41355.html
Which mentioned my work with a paragraph...
But they spelled my name wrongly...as usual...
The people here never spell my name correctly.
190605
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Ah...
A little disapointed...but I got a 2-2.
Which is good enuff...
but I am hoping for a 2-1.
Anyway....2-2 is good enuff.
really.
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Which is good enuff...
but I am hoping for a 2-1.
Anyway....2-2 is good enuff.
really.
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And the result is...
5 minutes to results...there is already a queue outside the office...i better go queue up!...
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Tuesday, June 14, 2005
The most beautiful road in glasgow
We are walking along the most beauitful road in glasgow last thursday...at around 12 midnight...just the two of us...quietly....and i will never forget...SHIT!!!...as i was typing this line...he came over and see this...
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Monday, June 13, 2005
Bicycle story...
This happens weeks ago...
But I think...I have the responsibility to fill up the gap...
There are a couple of occassions when we travel a little distance on the same route before we part on our way home....he was on his bicycle...I was on foot.
He will always ride slowly...so that as he ride and i walked...we will chat...
i couldn't rememeber when was the first time...but I remember asking him weeks ago...
"Can your bicycle take two?"
I remember his reply was a quick one.."Nope."
i didn't probe.
Then on and off...whenever we are in this similiar situation when he is on his bike and I walking beside him...
I will ask the same question...
For the second time...
His answer is "nope."
For the third...
I asked...
"can your bicycle take two?..."
"Nope"..he says...
And i probe..."can you try..?"
"nope"..he says...with a smile.
Then he said...he is going to fix a basket in front of his bicycle...so that he can put his bag in it....
I told him...he should fix a "tray" at the back of the bicycle instead...
and he said..."can..but why at the back?"
I told him...so that i can sit behind...
He smile.
But he never said anything.
I know I have never been more straight forward in my life...
I thought I am obvious enough...
anyway...
as time goes by...
This question...that i always ask...is really just a silly attempt...
so one night....as we are on our way home...again...along renfew street...
I told him...
" I know this is a stupid question...becos I already know the answer...but I am always tempted to ask...can your bicycle take two?"
This time...
He smile...giving the same answer..."nope...."
but he didn't stop there....
he continues..."but keep trying..."
Sometimes...I dun noe if i should laugh or cry to his answer...
Is he stupid...or he is stupid?
Or maybe the person who really is dumb...is me.
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But I think...I have the responsibility to fill up the gap...
There are a couple of occassions when we travel a little distance on the same route before we part on our way home....he was on his bicycle...I was on foot.
He will always ride slowly...so that as he ride and i walked...we will chat...
i couldn't rememeber when was the first time...but I remember asking him weeks ago...
"Can your bicycle take two?"
I remember his reply was a quick one.."Nope."
i didn't probe.
Then on and off...whenever we are in this similiar situation when he is on his bike and I walking beside him...
I will ask the same question...
For the second time...
His answer is "nope."
For the third...
I asked...
"can your bicycle take two?..."
"Nope"..he says...
And i probe..."can you try..?"
"nope"..he says...with a smile.
Then he said...he is going to fix a basket in front of his bicycle...so that he can put his bag in it....
I told him...he should fix a "tray" at the back of the bicycle instead...
and he said..."can..but why at the back?"
I told him...so that i can sit behind...
He smile.
But he never said anything.
I know I have never been more straight forward in my life...
I thought I am obvious enough...
anyway...
as time goes by...
This question...that i always ask...is really just a silly attempt...
so one night....as we are on our way home...again...along renfew street...
I told him...
" I know this is a stupid question...becos I already know the answer...but I am always tempted to ask...can your bicycle take two?"
This time...
He smile...giving the same answer..."nope...."
but he didn't stop there....
he continues..."but keep trying..."
Sometimes...I dun noe if i should laugh or cry to his answer...
Is he stupid...or he is stupid?
Or maybe the person who really is dumb...is me.
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Friday, June 10, 2005
I just don't know what to do with myself...
I think I am confused.
First of all...I am not so sure now if he really has a gf...
or maybe he did have one...
But...he never mention to me about the existence of a "her" at all...
all the while.
I presume...or maybe I hope...
I have made a mistake.
But...I have been thinking...
regardless...
he is leaving...
I am leaving...
nothing can happen...
how sad.
Just cherish the moment....
and remember...
That is all I can do...really.
Really.
I just don't know what to do with myself now...
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First of all...I am not so sure now if he really has a gf...
or maybe he did have one...
But...he never mention to me about the existence of a "her" at all...
all the while.
I presume...or maybe I hope...
I have made a mistake.
But...I have been thinking...
regardless...
he is leaving...
I am leaving...
nothing can happen...
how sad.
Just cherish the moment....
and remember...
That is all I can do...really.
Really.
I just don't know what to do with myself now...
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The sun...
Makes you feels lazy...and want to do nothing...
indeed...but the rain has the same effect...
In fact...everything...and anything makes me feel lazy nowadays...
Lazy...
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indeed...but the rain has the same effect...
In fact...everything...and anything makes me feel lazy nowadays...
Lazy...
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It doesn't matter anymore...
Yesterday...
we went to the westend accidentally together....
and he brought me to a tea house...
and we had tea...
and we chat...
and we stayed until the place closes...
and we went to have supper...
in the restaurant i used to worked in...
stayed until 2am...
woke up this morning...go to school...
realise that he din wake up again...and called hm...
meet him in school...
go to have tea in another teahouse...
and had lunch...
stay around the school all day doing nothing...
sitting under the sun...
I thought...
even if he do have a girlfriend...
I really dun care now...
if we are friends...
we are friends...
it doesn't matter if he has a girlfriend.
it doesn't matter anymore.
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we went to the westend accidentally together....
and he brought me to a tea house...
and we had tea...
and we chat...
and we stayed until the place closes...
and we went to have supper...
in the restaurant i used to worked in...
stayed until 2am...
woke up this morning...go to school...
realise that he din wake up again...and called hm...
meet him in school...
go to have tea in another teahouse...
and had lunch...
stay around the school all day doing nothing...
sitting under the sun...
I thought...
even if he do have a girlfriend...
I really dun care now...
if we are friends...
we are friends...
it doesn't matter if he has a girlfriend.
it doesn't matter anymore.
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he has got a girlfriend...
I am totally heartbroken to realise that...he might have a girlfriend...
That was a few days ago...
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That was a few days ago...
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Thursday, June 09, 2005
Confused.
So the one great news is that I have done something I have always wanted to do...and did a great job out of it...and is very happy.
Completely satisfied.
The bad news is...
whenever there is a good news...there is a bad.
and the bad news is...
i'll leave the bad news next time....it's a long story.
Really bad.
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Completely satisfied.
The bad news is...
whenever there is a good news...there is a bad.
and the bad news is...
i'll leave the bad news next time....it's a long story.
Really bad.
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This is heaven.
I finish...at half nine today. IN TIME!
the researches and documentationa are really crappy...
But my major submission....is what i would describe as...
MY BEST WORK EVER!!!
so far.
COMPLETELY SATISFIED!
Something I always wanted to do...and I am glad i did it.
Had to thank a lot of people for giving me support.
Just a minor statistic...
I have spent more than £20 pounds on bluetacks for my show....
which is $60 singdollars...how much i wonder i can buy bluetack in singapore with that money...
This is insane!
anyway....
Everybody's work is EXCELLENCE!
I would say...this year...our batch of sculpture and environmental art has been the best batch!
The happy thing is also....a few lecturer came over and said to me I did a great job...
maybe they said this to everyone...
Alright...I know this posting is very unfocus...bits and pieces of news...without a main topic...
becos there is so much to say so smuch so much!!!!
This is heaven...
on earth now...
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the researches and documentationa are really crappy...
But my major submission....is what i would describe as...
MY BEST WORK EVER!!!
so far.
COMPLETELY SATISFIED!
Something I always wanted to do...and I am glad i did it.
Had to thank a lot of people for giving me support.
Just a minor statistic...
I have spent more than £20 pounds on bluetacks for my show....
which is $60 singdollars...how much i wonder i can buy bluetack in singapore with that money...
This is insane!
anyway....
Everybody's work is EXCELLENCE!
I would say...this year...our batch of sculpture and environmental art has been the best batch!
The happy thing is also....a few lecturer came over and said to me I did a great job...
maybe they said this to everyone...
Alright...I know this posting is very unfocus...bits and pieces of news...without a main topic...
becos there is so much to say so smuch so much!!!!
This is heaven...
on earth now...
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Aimi...the best helper.
First of all...I would like to thank my helper Aimi. She is the best!....she helps me to finish my work in time.
She also made a lot of interesting comments along the way...such as...
" If you had thrown all these away...we dun have to do so many things..."
"What are you going to do with all these stuff when the show is over?"
"What!!...you are going to send them home??!!!"
"you know what?!...if you are sending them home...i will not help you anymore!!!"
Hahaha...she is so cute...I know she is traumatise especially when she found a chunk of my hair in a bag...
anyway...i feel bad that I made she climb up and down to help me...
She is the best!
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She also made a lot of interesting comments along the way...such as...
" If you had thrown all these away...we dun have to do so many things..."
"What are you going to do with all these stuff when the show is over?"
"What!!...you are going to send them home??!!!"
"you know what?!...if you are sending them home...i will not help you anymore!!!"
Hahaha...she is so cute...I know she is traumatise especially when she found a chunk of my hair in a bag...
anyway...i feel bad that I made she climb up and down to help me...
She is the best!
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Saturday, June 04, 2005
Dead Tired.
I am.
Woke up in the morning...send my stuff to the studio....
Ask the Taxi driver to be my sponsor...as in not paying but send him an invite for my degree show...invite him as sponsor...and put his cab number or contact number on my wall...so that if people wants a cab...they will call him.
But he rejected.
Anyway...i tired...
then after stuggling to transport my stuff to the space...
I had to carry them to the space.
Then...load them...
went to the wood workshop and carry my woood...
Then went to hardware store to buy brackets...
then go back to studio to paint walls...
then go and get rollers for paints...
run around looking for fillers to patch walls full of holes...
tired...
run around for the whole day...
and when I am force to leave the space...
I am back to the studio...to type this posting...
Plus I am hungry and tired...
but i not too bad...because he is around.
I am just tired...
Too tired to be worry or panic.
Just too tired.
Good night...
Everybody.
By the way...How come nowadays I dun see comments on my blog...
everybody getting bored?
or me...getting boring?
anyway...good night..
ZZzzzZZzZzzz...
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Woke up in the morning...send my stuff to the studio....
Ask the Taxi driver to be my sponsor...as in not paying but send him an invite for my degree show...invite him as sponsor...and put his cab number or contact number on my wall...so that if people wants a cab...they will call him.
But he rejected.
Anyway...i tired...
then after stuggling to transport my stuff to the space...
I had to carry them to the space.
Then...load them...
went to the wood workshop and carry my woood...
Then went to hardware store to buy brackets...
then go back to studio to paint walls...
then go and get rollers for paints...
run around looking for fillers to patch walls full of holes...
tired...
run around for the whole day...
and when I am force to leave the space...
I am back to the studio...to type this posting...
Plus I am hungry and tired...
but i not too bad...because he is around.
I am just tired...
Too tired to be worry or panic.
Just too tired.
Good night...
Everybody.
By the way...How come nowadays I dun see comments on my blog...
everybody getting bored?
or me...getting boring?
anyway...good night..
ZZzzzZZzZzzz...
030605
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Title blogging...
Ah...too busy...millions to write...but trillions to do...
so I shall speed blogging by putting up the titles to remind myself and fill up the content when i have time.
1. "No...but keep trying."
2. Kungfu fighting.
3. She is not threatening anymore I wonder why.
4. "Good for you...good for the kids"
5. Bitch vs Bastard reconcilation.
6. Throw away my paintings.
7. we are going to have dinner in asian style but we are too tired.
8. 6 days to heaven.
9. How to you turn down the volume...?...why dun you ask me?
10. "you need an administartor for ur laptop"
11. "you are hired...but how much?....student discount?...99%!...nah...98 maybe..."
12. ebay spoof...
13. His birthday.
14. His father and my father.
15. More kungfu fighting.
Ok...so much to write....
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so I shall speed blogging by putting up the titles to remind myself and fill up the content when i have time.
1. "No...but keep trying."
2. Kungfu fighting.
3. She is not threatening anymore I wonder why.
4. "Good for you...good for the kids"
5. Bitch vs Bastard reconcilation.
6. Throw away my paintings.
7. we are going to have dinner in asian style but we are too tired.
8. 6 days to heaven.
9. How to you turn down the volume...?...why dun you ask me?
10. "you need an administartor for ur laptop"
11. "you are hired...but how much?....student discount?...99%!...nah...98 maybe..."
12. ebay spoof...
13. His birthday.
14. His father and my father.
15. More kungfu fighting.
Ok...so much to write....
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Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Tanya
This blog is dedicated to her.
I used to think that this lecturer of mine dun like me.
Maybe becos I thought she feels that i am a lazy student who is never in school.
Or somehow...I felt weird when I see her...or maybe guilty.
Becos I am really not in school most of the time for the past one and a half year...
Recently, since i have semi-moved into this "new" studio space...she sees me everyday.
Becos the corridor is out side her office.
And whenever she walked past recently, she will make comments like..."you two are going to have square eyes...."
Or..."dun stay too late"...
Suddenly I felt that she is a compassionate lecturer in a way.
Maybe i have wronged her...
Or even if she dun like me....
she is still a concern lecturer...
Yesterday...she walked past the corridor again...
and she come to me and hold my face with her hands and say...
"let me look at you sha...and see if you are still alive..."
ah...I almost burst into laughter...
and feels touched...she cares.
And she left telling us not to stay too late again...and
she said the ultimate statement which makes us all burst into laughter...
she says...
"We know you guys have been surviving on cakes for weeks..dun think we can't see that."
We laugh...
she knows.
This morning...there was a new packet of scones on the table...and she walked past again saying...
"new cakes?"
Ah...isn't she sacarstic...in a concern way
Thanks.
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I used to think that this lecturer of mine dun like me.
Maybe becos I thought she feels that i am a lazy student who is never in school.
Or somehow...I felt weird when I see her...or maybe guilty.
Becos I am really not in school most of the time for the past one and a half year...
Recently, since i have semi-moved into this "new" studio space...she sees me everyday.
Becos the corridor is out side her office.
And whenever she walked past recently, she will make comments like..."you two are going to have square eyes...."
Or..."dun stay too late"...
Suddenly I felt that she is a compassionate lecturer in a way.
Maybe i have wronged her...
Or even if she dun like me....
she is still a concern lecturer...
Yesterday...she walked past the corridor again...
and she come to me and hold my face with her hands and say...
"let me look at you sha...and see if you are still alive..."
ah...I almost burst into laughter...
and feels touched...she cares.
And she left telling us not to stay too late again...and
she said the ultimate statement which makes us all burst into laughter...
she says...
"We know you guys have been surviving on cakes for weeks..dun think we can't see that."
We laugh...
she knows.
This morning...there was a new packet of scones on the table...and she walked past again saying...
"new cakes?"
Ah...isn't she sacarstic...in a concern way
Thanks.
010605
"what are we gonna do?"
I was here early...to rush a last minute editing for my postcard design...
Sit down and start my laptop....in his studio...which is now...also mine.
Then he asked me this question suddenly.
"what are we gonna do?"
I thought he meant the degree show.
I was puzzled.
I thought he is quite ready for that...as far as I can remember.
"I thought you already know what to do..."...I replied.
"No...what are we gonna do..?...we."he said.
"we?....do wat?"I asked back...
Then there was a silence...we went back to our work...on our own computers.
But...I cannot concentrate at all...
I dun noe what he is trying to say...
I felt like bashing him up.
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Sit down and start my laptop....in his studio...which is now...also mine.
Then he asked me this question suddenly.
"what are we gonna do?"
I thought he meant the degree show.
I was puzzled.
I thought he is quite ready for that...as far as I can remember.
"I thought you already know what to do..."...I replied.
"No...what are we gonna do..?...we."he said.
"we?....do wat?"I asked back...
Then there was a silence...we went back to our work...on our own computers.
But...I cannot concentrate at all...
I dun noe what he is trying to say...
I felt like bashing him up.
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Round 1...FIGHT!
Round 1.
She stayed.
On and on.
Just sit there and chat...look at him work...
I just had to keep quiet and do my work.
She wins.
Round 2.
Still there.
I send him MSN...
Tell him I am tired and hungry and is going home.
He was laughing...
She got no idea who is he MSNing initially...
but she is staring at his monitor while he type.
Then she turn and look at my laptop.
I hope she did made a connection and realise it was me.
Even if she din...
I win.
Round 3.(final round for the day)
I MSN him..becos I have decided to go home.
Becos it is painful to stay on with her around.
Not the first time...if you have read my previous post.
I packed my bags...and left.
She wins...
Becos I let her.
Hence...I went home broken hearted.
Not really feeling too sad...but a little...
weak.
Weak at heart.
Like I have used up all my energy to love somebody.
And...al these...can be wasted.
BEcos she might be his girlfren.
I never asked him.
It is silly.
He never said anything.
Maybe...I had been imaging again.
No one taught me how to fold a paper aeroplane...
No one was by the EMA door..calling out my name...
No one was throwing Shuriken at me...
No one buy me rasin scone...
No one buys me kinder bueno wafer...
No one was in the studio with me...
No one went shopping with me in Sainsbury...
I am just imaging.
I went home with a confused mind.
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She stayed.
On and on.
Just sit there and chat...look at him work...
I just had to keep quiet and do my work.
She wins.
Round 2.
Still there.
I send him MSN...
Tell him I am tired and hungry and is going home.
He was laughing...
She got no idea who is he MSNing initially...
but she is staring at his monitor while he type.
Then she turn and look at my laptop.
I hope she did made a connection and realise it was me.
Even if she din...
I win.
Round 3.(final round for the day)
I MSN him..becos I have decided to go home.
Becos it is painful to stay on with her around.
Not the first time...if you have read my previous post.
I packed my bags...and left.
She wins...
Becos I let her.
Hence...I went home broken hearted.
Not really feeling too sad...but a little...
weak.
Weak at heart.
Like I have used up all my energy to love somebody.
And...al these...can be wasted.
BEcos she might be his girlfren.
I never asked him.
It is silly.
He never said anything.
Maybe...I had been imaging again.
No one taught me how to fold a paper aeroplane...
No one was by the EMA door..calling out my name...
No one was throwing Shuriken at me...
No one buy me rasin scone...
No one buys me kinder bueno wafer...
No one was in the studio with me...
No one went shopping with me in Sainsbury...
I am just imaging.
I went home with a confused mind.
310505
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Reassessment...
She was here whenever she can.
That greek girl.
And she sits in between us...physically...and mentally.
For the whole day...her presence is felt.
It started...with he and I talking...and she came in...
start speaking in greek...and he and I stop talking...I went back to my seats...
and go back to staring at my laptop...
I was lightly disappointed that our converstion had to end in such a way...
But he sent me an emoticon on my MSN...while she is talking...
We just pretend we are chatting with "someone" online...though we are just 1.5 metres apart with her sitting in between...
we had to resort to using MSN...within such a short distance to communicate.
At that moment...I worship whoever invented internet.
She left...and came back again...left and came back...for a few times...
Then...at one point...she practically just sit there...watching him...doing his stuff on his computer...
while they speak in greek.
I am like I dun exist anymore...in the space.
I turn up my volume...and blast myself with music...and do my stuff...
TRYING...very hard to IGNORE everything.
But I can't.
And so..the results of my reassessment....
Is that..
This girl..is
classified as potentially threatening
and not as simple as ABC...
But what am I suppose to do?
I am in no position to fight.
I shall keep quiet and blend myself into the wall...
If I can...I will.
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That greek girl.
And she sits in between us...physically...and mentally.
For the whole day...her presence is felt.
It started...with he and I talking...and she came in...
start speaking in greek...and he and I stop talking...I went back to my seats...
and go back to staring at my laptop...
I was lightly disappointed that our converstion had to end in such a way...
But he sent me an emoticon on my MSN...while she is talking...
We just pretend we are chatting with "someone" online...though we are just 1.5 metres apart with her sitting in between...
we had to resort to using MSN...within such a short distance to communicate.
At that moment...I worship whoever invented internet.
She left...and came back again...left and came back...for a few times...
Then...at one point...she practically just sit there...watching him...doing his stuff on his computer...
while they speak in greek.
I am like I dun exist anymore...in the space.
I turn up my volume...and blast myself with music...and do my stuff...
TRYING...very hard to IGNORE everything.
But I can't.
And so..the results of my reassessment....
Is that..
This girl..is
classified as potentially threatening
and not as simple as ABC...
But what am I suppose to do?
I am in no position to fight.
I shall keep quiet and blend myself into the wall...
If I can...I will.
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Precious Childhood Memory...
Today....I showed him photo documentation of my very old works..Old paintings...old sculptures...old drawings..watercolors...
ANd he showed me his childhood pictures...from his computer.
Very cute.
And also his family pictures like his parents...pictures of his parents when they are young...and picture of his grandparents...great parents....Black and white...suddenly..I got the urge to fly back to singapore and scan all my baby photos....I miss all my photographs...
I showed him some pics I had on my organizers...which Wendy made for me...with my pictures from RV(my secondary school) to before I left singapore....
He was laughing...at ME..becos I had one really ugly , fat looking photo...when I was 14...
And i laugh at him....when I saw his pics a few years ago..with his hair is longer...and curly...
Looks comical...
We both had a good laugh...and back to work!
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ANd he showed me his childhood pictures...from his computer.
Very cute.
And also his family pictures like his parents...pictures of his parents when they are young...and picture of his grandparents...great parents....Black and white...suddenly..I got the urge to fly back to singapore and scan all my baby photos....I miss all my photographs...
I showed him some pics I had on my organizers...which Wendy made for me...with my pictures from RV(my secondary school) to before I left singapore....
He was laughing...at ME..becos I had one really ugly , fat looking photo...when I was 14...
And i laugh at him....when I saw his pics a few years ago..with his hair is longer...and curly...
Looks comical...
We both had a good laugh...and back to work!
300505
Monday, May 30, 2005
He likes to call me by my chinese name.
Nobody now in Glasgow ...call me by my chinese name...except him.
And he likes to call my name for fun.
Yesterday...like I told you...he was vexed...
then his greek female fren came and have a chat...
he was talking to her in their language..
and i dun understand a word.
Then he went off to the room next door to install his stuff..
while that girl sat on his chair...
looking around his desk...
Then I heard him exclaimed my name, my chinese name that is...
and followed by "It OK!"
He solved his technical problem...
and he came out of that room happily exclaiming my name.
telling me he solve his problem.
While that girl is left puzzled...
guessing what "chyiyun" means...
She din know that was my name of cos.
Then after a while she just left.
So..after this incident...
I am sure she is not his girlfren.
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And he likes to call my name for fun.
Yesterday...like I told you...he was vexed...
then his greek female fren came and have a chat...
he was talking to her in their language..
and i dun understand a word.
Then he went off to the room next door to install his stuff..
while that girl sat on his chair...
looking around his desk...
Then I heard him exclaimed my name, my chinese name that is...
and followed by "It OK!"
He solved his technical problem...
and he came out of that room happily exclaiming my name.
telling me he solve his problem.
While that girl is left puzzled...
guessing what "chyiyun" means...
She din know that was my name of cos.
Then after a while she just left.
So..after this incident...
I am sure she is not his girlfren.
290505
What can i do to help him?
Yesterday...he looked vexed.
There is a technical problem with his installation.
Something about the light sensor and the light coming out from the projector...
he look stuck...
like some school kid stuck in a math problem.
Can feel his frustration.
And he ask me...
"What should I do now...?"
I kept quiet for a while...as if I am thinking of a solution...
.apparently I can't provide him any solution.
Becos i noe nothing about electronics.
I failed my physics when I was in school.
But I am really thinking at that moment about how I can help him.
And...I said...
"Come come..."
he walk towards me and sit on a chair next to me...
and without me telling him what I want to do...
he rest his head on my shoulder and pretend to cry like a kid.
And i pat his back and tell him...
"Dun cry dun cry...you will be alright."
After "crying"... he went back to his seat...
and continue to solve his problem.
Suddenly...I was puzzled.
I dun say anything to him..
but he knows that i wanted him to come closer so that I can comfort him.
Did my face show that?
I din noe I am that expressive.
290505
There is a technical problem with his installation.
Something about the light sensor and the light coming out from the projector...
he look stuck...
like some school kid stuck in a math problem.
Can feel his frustration.
And he ask me...
"What should I do now...?"
I kept quiet for a while...as if I am thinking of a solution...
.apparently I can't provide him any solution.
Becos i noe nothing about electronics.
I failed my physics when I was in school.
But I am really thinking at that moment about how I can help him.
And...I said...
"Come come..."
he walk towards me and sit on a chair next to me...
and without me telling him what I want to do...
he rest his head on my shoulder and pretend to cry like a kid.
And i pat his back and tell him...
"Dun cry dun cry...you will be alright."
After "crying"... he went back to his seat...
and continue to solve his problem.
Suddenly...I was puzzled.
I dun say anything to him..
but he knows that i wanted him to come closer so that I can comfort him.
Did my face show that?
I din noe I am that expressive.
290505
暗恋还是双恋?
My fren YN ask me this question when I told her...
I have a new male lead in my blog.
She ask...if it was a single-sided thing or double sided.
This is hard to answer.
I am no longer sure if my feelings for him is considered a crash.
Neither am I sure if he had any feelings for me.
As far as I am concern now, I am not even interested to know if he likes me.
Becos It is not important any more.
As long as we enjoy each other's company.
it really doesn't matter to me now.
And..on top of that..it is silly to start anything now...
becos in less than 3 weeks time...
we are going to say good bye to each other.
Nothing will happen.
Nothing should happen.
And maybe it shall remain as a very beautiful story...
That I will remember.
and so....yah...neither.
Not single-sided...nor double-sided.
Nothing at all.
Suddenly..I feel sad.
290505
I have a new male lead in my blog.
She ask...if it was a single-sided thing or double sided.
This is hard to answer.
I am no longer sure if my feelings for him is considered a crash.
Neither am I sure if he had any feelings for me.
As far as I am concern now, I am not even interested to know if he likes me.
Becos It is not important any more.
As long as we enjoy each other's company.
it really doesn't matter to me now.
And..on top of that..it is silly to start anything now...
becos in less than 3 weeks time...
we are going to say good bye to each other.
Nothing will happen.
Nothing should happen.
And maybe it shall remain as a very beautiful story...
That I will remember.
and so....yah...neither.
Not single-sided...nor double-sided.
Nothing at all.
Suddenly..I feel sad.
290505
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Shuriken.
Shuriken is a kind of ninja weapon.
And I rememeber..I used to fold a lot of this paper flying dagger...with my brothers..and we will fold a lot a lot of them and put it in our pocket...and have this flying dagger battle with my brothers...is a 4 spike looking paper dagger..that you need 2 pieces of paper to make it...anyway...anyway...check the website to see what is a shuriken.
http://www.ninja-weapons.com/rangedweapons/shaken/origami_shuriken.shtml
And yah...I give the above information in order to lay a background.
So...I was telling him about this paper shuriken my brothers and I used to play with..and he ask me how I make it...and so...I forgot...and we did a search online and find this.
Exactly like this.
I made one...and we played with it...
He was throwing it everywhere...and then...he lost it.
It fly into a pile of trash...and he couldn't find it...
I saw him digger the pile....and I told him...it's ok...I can make more.
He looks a bit disappointed.
Then I teach him how to make one...and we had one each...
and throw against each other.
We had a liitle bit of fun...and we decided...back to work.
And he ask me if he can keep them.
Of cos.
He kept the 2 shuriken.
And I suddenly remembers....the 2 paper areoplane...din manage to keep them...they fly away..remember?
Ah...
So this time...I teach him something for return.
290505
And I rememeber..I used to fold a lot of this paper flying dagger...with my brothers..and we will fold a lot a lot of them and put it in our pocket...and have this flying dagger battle with my brothers...is a 4 spike looking paper dagger..that you need 2 pieces of paper to make it...anyway...anyway...check the website to see what is a shuriken.
http://www.ninja-weapons.com/rangedweapons/shaken/origami_shuriken.shtml
And yah...I give the above information in order to lay a background.
So...I was telling him about this paper shuriken my brothers and I used to play with..and he ask me how I make it...and so...I forgot...and we did a search online and find this.
Exactly like this.
I made one...and we played with it...
He was throwing it everywhere...and then...he lost it.
It fly into a pile of trash...and he couldn't find it...
I saw him digger the pile....and I told him...it's ok...I can make more.
He looks a bit disappointed.
Then I teach him how to make one...and we had one each...
and throw against each other.
We had a liitle bit of fun...and we decided...back to work.
And he ask me if he can keep them.
Of cos.
He kept the 2 shuriken.
And I suddenly remembers....the 2 paper areoplane...din manage to keep them...they fly away..remember?
Ah...
So this time...I teach him something for return.
290505
CHOKE!
I was talking to him...and drinking my green tea...
And..suddenly I got a choke...
Cough! cough cough!..cough cough cough...!cough! cough!
And I was hitting my chest....to control my choke...
And he was semi standing up...showing a gesture like he was going to come and pat my back...
I put a "stop" hand sign...and say chokingly...that I am ok...
while I ..cough cough cough....
And he says...
"chyi yun...dun die..."
I was halfway choking and going to recover when he said that...
and my choke worsen...
cough cough...couGH!COUgH!cough!
Cough cough.....
I choke on my heart this time.
290505
And..suddenly I got a choke...
Cough! cough cough!..cough cough cough...!cough! cough!
And I was hitting my chest....to control my choke...
And he was semi standing up...showing a gesture like he was going to come and pat my back...
I put a "stop" hand sign...and say chokingly...that I am ok...
while I ..cough cough cough....
And he says...
"chyi yun...dun die..."
I was halfway choking and going to recover when he said that...
and my choke worsen...
cough cough...couGH!COUgH!cough!
Cough cough.....
I choke on my heart this time.
290505
Mystery of the rasin scone....
Becos I din blog yesterday...today is the updates.
While my laptop os on the verge of crashing....It din in the end.
It was ok now.
And I backed up all my files.
But his computer crash on the 27th Night.
It was a scary moment...when the studio become very quiet...
And i din dare to make a sound...
becos he dun look happy.
And he restart his computer twice...in safe mode...
And he was busy configuring something.
He restart again...and walk away...very quietly.
I thought he went off to chill out or something...
Instead...he came back and put a packet of "kinder bueno"..the chocolate biscuit with hazelnuts...beside my desk area.
I was puzzled..and look at him...saw him had another packet...and he was opening up...
Ah...he went to the vending machine to get some chocolate.....
But but...is that extra packet FOR ME?
I asked him.
"Is this for me?"
"aye"
Oh...so in the mids of his confusion trying to safe his crashed computer...and I thot he angrily walk off to chilled out...he actually went to get some food...and
HE REMEMBERS ME.
Unfortunately...I dun like chocolate.
And I told him before.
Anyway...I happily eat that packet of kinder bueno...the next door when I was really hungry at some point and find it not bad.
And...I told him the story of my 21st birthday when my mum bought me a chocolate cake for birthday....which is bad...haha...becos she din realise her daughter dun like chocolate!
So...now he knows....I am allergy to alcohol...and dun like chocolate.
WHat else...ahhh...more...he will find out more soon.
Meanwhile...I am touched for his gesture of buying me something to eat...
Oh and that reminds me of something....
I have been staying around his studio for weeks...3 weeks now...
And dun remember exactly since when...but he start to buy this raisin scone from GREGGS...everyday for lunch and some other sandwiches...
I was constantly feeling hungry....and while I was working...in the studio...I will always makes noise and tell him I am hungry...and will go away to look for food. I had brought pack lunches...and bought bread...but I am still hungry.
So there was once he bought this raisin scone...and offer me one...and I like it.
After that...he bought the raisin scone every day...for himself presumably...but he will ask me if i would want one...then...gradually...he bought it everyday...like some staple snack we will eat for tea....and I love them...even though some are badly burnt sometimes....slowly...i realise he bought that everyday...and din eat them at all himself...and I would eat them for 2 days...and i realise...he bought that FOR ME...
Becos...he will buy the lunches...and put that packet of rasin scone ON MY DESK!
while he will keep his sandwich at his desk.
Though we share them...and I dun eat them solely alone...he will eat one or two sometimes...but unofficially...they are MINE!
Yah...something about him...that i realise was very sweet...since dun noe when..
and had been surviving by eating them for more than a week....
I am going to miss the rasin scone when I had to go home one day.
290505
While my laptop os on the verge of crashing....It din in the end.
It was ok now.
And I backed up all my files.
But his computer crash on the 27th Night.
It was a scary moment...when the studio become very quiet...
And i din dare to make a sound...
becos he dun look happy.
And he restart his computer twice...in safe mode...
And he was busy configuring something.
He restart again...and walk away...very quietly.
I thought he went off to chill out or something...
Instead...he came back and put a packet of "kinder bueno"..the chocolate biscuit with hazelnuts...beside my desk area.
I was puzzled..and look at him...saw him had another packet...and he was opening up...
Ah...he went to the vending machine to get some chocolate.....
But but...is that extra packet FOR ME?
I asked him.
"Is this for me?"
"aye"
Oh...so in the mids of his confusion trying to safe his crashed computer...and I thot he angrily walk off to chilled out...he actually went to get some food...and
HE REMEMBERS ME.
Unfortunately...I dun like chocolate.
And I told him before.
Anyway...I happily eat that packet of kinder bueno...the next door when I was really hungry at some point and find it not bad.
And...I told him the story of my 21st birthday when my mum bought me a chocolate cake for birthday....which is bad...haha...becos she din realise her daughter dun like chocolate!
So...now he knows....I am allergy to alcohol...and dun like chocolate.
WHat else...ahhh...more...he will find out more soon.
Meanwhile...I am touched for his gesture of buying me something to eat...
Oh and that reminds me of something....
I have been staying around his studio for weeks...3 weeks now...
And dun remember exactly since when...but he start to buy this raisin scone from GREGGS...everyday for lunch and some other sandwiches...
I was constantly feeling hungry....and while I was working...in the studio...I will always makes noise and tell him I am hungry...and will go away to look for food. I had brought pack lunches...and bought bread...but I am still hungry.
So there was once he bought this raisin scone...and offer me one...and I like it.
After that...he bought the raisin scone every day...for himself presumably...but he will ask me if i would want one...then...gradually...he bought it everyday...like some staple snack we will eat for tea....and I love them...even though some are badly burnt sometimes....slowly...i realise he bought that everyday...and din eat them at all himself...and I would eat them for 2 days...and i realise...he bought that FOR ME...
Becos...he will buy the lunches...and put that packet of rasin scone ON MY DESK!
while he will keep his sandwich at his desk.
Though we share them...and I dun eat them solely alone...he will eat one or two sometimes...but unofficially...they are MINE!
Yah...something about him...that i realise was very sweet...since dun noe when..
and had been surviving by eating them for more than a week....
I am going to miss the rasin scone when I had to go home one day.
290505
I had a dream.
Yesterday...
It was a bad dream.
Or maybe I should say...a sad one.
Someone very dear...came to us...and kiss us good bye.
And I cry and cry and cry...
so sad...so sad so sad...
And woke up still crying..
It was the start for a tired day.
which was the reason why I din blog...
290505
It was a bad dream.
Or maybe I should say...a sad one.
Someone very dear...came to us...and kiss us good bye.
And I cry and cry and cry...
so sad...so sad so sad...
And woke up still crying..
It was the start for a tired day.
which was the reason why I din blog...
290505
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Everyday...
I learn somethings about him.
His age.
The month of his birthday.
His father occupation.
His bad habits.
His chinese zodiac.
Little by little.
Bit by bit.
Like a puzzle.
That i piece together everyday.
And I wonder if I am ever going to complete this puzzle...
before I leave this place.
270505
His age.
The month of his birthday.
His father occupation.
His bad habits.
His chinese zodiac.
Little by little.
Bit by bit.
Like a puzzle.
That i piece together everyday.
And I wonder if I am ever going to complete this puzzle...
before I leave this place.
270505
Friday, May 27, 2005
So silly...yet so sweet...
We went up to EMA to collect our stuff together...
And we are at the entrance of the lift...waiting.
Suddenly...something occurs in my mind...
something stupid.
I propose a challenge.
"I will take the lift and you take the stairs...and we see who wins!"
Obviously...he will.
But for the fun of it.
He stand by the stair case... getting ready...
"wait wait!!!...you must wait for me to enter first...dun cheat!"
Fair enuff I believe.
"Wait!!!...must wait for the door to close...to be fair!"
Ok...I know I am unreasonable...I dun care.
Then the door opens and i went in.
Door closes...
After like a million years later...I reach the 2nd floor.
This lift is the second slowest in our school.
The slowest is in the MAcintosh building which the lift is famous for being the slowest.
And everyone knows that it will be faster to go up the stairs than take the lift.
Anyway...
yah...I reach second floor...suspect that he will be at the door waiting for me...
But NO.
Walk out...turn left...
No sight of him...look back...saw the door open...
It is Olive boy.
Ah... olive boy..I almost forgot he exist...
He was carrying something with both hands...
"I din noe you got so much hair..." olive boy said.
Yah..I plaited my hair today...and it stretches to reach my knees...
"Not much...just very long..." I replied.
If I am still infatuated with him like a month ago...
I probably won't give such a reply...or..I probably will be too tongue-tied to speak.
Anyway...we walk towards the EMA together...
Reach the door...
ANd silly me....I forget he cannot open the door...
with both hands fulls...
"Can you open the door for me...?"
Of cos...I am just retarded....
I seem to be thinking of something or trying to rememeber...
yah...I seem to have forgotten something.
But I quickly responded upon request...and open the door...
and let Olive boy to enter the EMA...
"Chyi Yun!"
Someone called my chinese name when the door opened.
But..the first person to hear this was not me...
Caught Olive boy by surprise.
And me...I was standing behind Olive boy...peeping in.....
Ah..I remember.
I was looking for him before I meet olive boy outside the lift.
And he was in the EMA ambushing to "surprise" me.
But..unfortunately...he surprise the wrong person instead.
Anyway...saw a puzzled look in olive boy face...
And him with the "opps"-got-the-wrong-person look without tongue sticking out.
And me...giggling.
Although he wins the challenge we had set earlier on.
But I am the one who had the last laugh.
Silly...
Yet very sweet.
270505
And we are at the entrance of the lift...waiting.
Suddenly...something occurs in my mind...
something stupid.
I propose a challenge.
"I will take the lift and you take the stairs...and we see who wins!"
Obviously...he will.
But for the fun of it.
He stand by the stair case... getting ready...
"wait wait!!!...you must wait for me to enter first...dun cheat!"
Fair enuff I believe.
"Wait!!!...must wait for the door to close...to be fair!"
Ok...I know I am unreasonable...I dun care.
Then the door opens and i went in.
Door closes...
After like a million years later...I reach the 2nd floor.
This lift is the second slowest in our school.
The slowest is in the MAcintosh building which the lift is famous for being the slowest.
And everyone knows that it will be faster to go up the stairs than take the lift.
Anyway...
yah...I reach second floor...suspect that he will be at the door waiting for me...
But NO.
Walk out...turn left...
No sight of him...look back...saw the door open...
It is Olive boy.
Ah... olive boy..I almost forgot he exist...
He was carrying something with both hands...
"I din noe you got so much hair..." olive boy said.
Yah..I plaited my hair today...and it stretches to reach my knees...
"Not much...just very long..." I replied.
If I am still infatuated with him like a month ago...
I probably won't give such a reply...or..I probably will be too tongue-tied to speak.
Anyway...we walk towards the EMA together...
Reach the door...
ANd silly me....I forget he cannot open the door...
with both hands fulls...
"Can you open the door for me...?"
Of cos...I am just retarded....
I seem to be thinking of something or trying to rememeber...
yah...I seem to have forgotten something.
But I quickly responded upon request...and open the door...
and let Olive boy to enter the EMA...
"Chyi Yun!"
Someone called my chinese name when the door opened.
But..the first person to hear this was not me...
Caught Olive boy by surprise.
And me...I was standing behind Olive boy...peeping in.....
Ah..I remember.
I was looking for him before I meet olive boy outside the lift.
And he was in the EMA ambushing to "surprise" me.
But..unfortunately...he surprise the wrong person instead.
Anyway...saw a puzzled look in olive boy face...
And him with the "opps"-got-the-wrong-person look without tongue sticking out.
And me...giggling.
Although he wins the challenge we had set earlier on.
But I am the one who had the last laugh.
Silly...
Yet very sweet.
270505
Some days.
Some days...I feel normal.
When I think I am not obsessed with him anymore.
Some days...I dun.
He becomes special.
Some days...I think about him..
Miss him even when he sits just 1.5 metres away from me.
Some days...I feel nothing.
Not even when he is just standing beside me.
Some days...I couldn't be bothered.
Whatever he does is none of my business.
Some days..I am too bothered.
Even if he did nothing I just want to know.
Some days...I dun like him.
For so many reasons.
Some days...I like him.
For no reason at all.
(A poem written when he is not around)
4.53pm.
270505
When I think I am not obsessed with him anymore.
Some days...I dun.
He becomes special.
Some days...I think about him..
Miss him even when he sits just 1.5 metres away from me.
Some days...I feel nothing.
Not even when he is just standing beside me.
Some days...I couldn't be bothered.
Whatever he does is none of my business.
Some days..I am too bothered.
Even if he did nothing I just want to know.
Some days...I dun like him.
For so many reasons.
Some days...I like him.
For no reason at all.
(A poem written when he is not around)
4.53pm.
270505
HACKERS in THE WORLD...
United we stand!
Together we hack!
By saying this.
I am assuming I am a hacker.
Which I am not.
But love to be.
If I am intelligent enough to grasp the whole technological concept.
Unfortunately.
I am dumb.
However, hackers are my saviour.
I love them.
They help me save money.
I wonder if this is even safe for me to say this online but yah...not to disclose too much...
Just want to thank all the hackers for making my life easier and infact so much better.
To all hackers..
Just want to say...THANK YOU.
270505
Together we hack!
By saying this.
I am assuming I am a hacker.
Which I am not.
But love to be.
If I am intelligent enough to grasp the whole technological concept.
Unfortunately.
I am dumb.
However, hackers are my saviour.
I love them.
They help me save money.
I wonder if this is even safe for me to say this online but yah...not to disclose too much...
Just want to thank all the hackers for making my life easier and infact so much better.
To all hackers..
Just want to say...THANK YOU.
270505
PLEASE CONFIRM THAT YOU ARE A HUMAN BELOW.
WTF?!!..(sorry I have been vulgar lately becos of the increasing stress *excuse*)
PLEASE CONFIRM THAT YOU ARE A HUMAN BELOW.
I see this line on the page where I try to post a comment on LW's blog.
did something stupid and try to post a comment unsucessfully.Then this error message appear...
with an image below wanting me to CONFIRM that I am a human by identifying the distorted image of a letters and numbers.
Ok ok...i know this is the security system preventing sabotager...but but..
It feels really weird to see such a statement.
Which means...by their definition...
WE CONFIRM OUR HUMAN STATUS BY BEING ABLE TO IDENTIFY THE DISTORTED IMAGE???....
Not becos we suck air?
Not becos we eat food?
Not becos we sleep and dream?
Not becos we cry and die?
Not becos we think and ponder?
Not becos we love and hate?
Of so many possibility...
Can they choose a better statement?
Like...
Please prove that you are not a computer generated sabotager.
Please show that you are not a computer.
Please assure us that you are sincere to post a comment.
Please identify the below code to assure us that you are not anything but human???(this is funny but sound kinda weird...bad example...ignore this.)
Please just identify the code for god sake.
Please try again later.
Watever...
270505
PLEASE CONFIRM THAT YOU ARE A HUMAN BELOW.
I see this line on the page where I try to post a comment on LW's blog.
did something stupid and try to post a comment unsucessfully.Then this error message appear...
with an image below wanting me to CONFIRM that I am a human by identifying the distorted image of a letters and numbers.
Ok ok...i know this is the security system preventing sabotager...but but..
It feels really weird to see such a statement.
Which means...by their definition...
WE CONFIRM OUR HUMAN STATUS BY BEING ABLE TO IDENTIFY THE DISTORTED IMAGE???....
Not becos we suck air?
Not becos we eat food?
Not becos we sleep and dream?
Not becos we cry and die?
Not becos we think and ponder?
Not becos we love and hate?
Of so many possibility...
Can they choose a better statement?
Like...
Please prove that you are not a computer generated sabotager.
Please show that you are not a computer.
Please assure us that you are sincere to post a comment.
Please identify the below code to assure us that you are not anything but human???(this is funny but sound kinda weird...bad example...ignore this.)
Please just identify the code for god sake.
Please try again later.
Watever...
270505
Recent Playlist...
Recent TOP-10 Palylist on my window media player.
In random order.
* Fly away by FIR
* As Time Goes By (Casablanca soundtrack version)
* Dancing in the Moonlight by Toploader
* Ni de wei xiao by FIR
* California Dreaming By mamas and papas
* Beautiful world by Cold play
* Can't get you off my head by Kylie Minogue
* Let's stay together by Al Green
* Don't you see by ZARD
* Lonely by Akon
Ah...just realise that when the titles of the songs are all put together...
It makes some sense in a way...to how I feel lately...
And the music...some of them...
HEAVY, LOUD, some metalic...
as I drown myself with music...to create a total internal space to concentrate.
The louder my music...
The better I concentrate.
Yah..that's all so far.
270505
In random order.
* Fly away by FIR
* As Time Goes By (Casablanca soundtrack version)
* Dancing in the Moonlight by Toploader
* Ni de wei xiao by FIR
* California Dreaming By mamas and papas
* Beautiful world by Cold play
* Can't get you off my head by Kylie Minogue
* Let's stay together by Al Green
* Don't you see by ZARD
* Lonely by Akon
Ah...just realise that when the titles of the songs are all put together...
It makes some sense in a way...to how I feel lately...
And the music...some of them...
HEAVY, LOUD, some metalic...
as I drown myself with music...to create a total internal space to concentrate.
The louder my music...
The better I concentrate.
Yah..that's all so far.
270505
Tentatively...
I have decided to name my installation... NOT AT HOME.
Which I dun see the need to explain why if you have been reading..or even..just seen this blog for the first time.
I am not at home.
ANd all this happen when I am not at home...
And yah...
MAybe a little detail to be added...
NOT AT HOME
Since 18th September 2003.
260505
Which I dun see the need to explain why if you have been reading..or even..just seen this blog for the first time.
I am not at home.
ANd all this happen when I am not at home...
And yah...
MAybe a little detail to be added...
NOT AT HOME
Since 18th September 2003.
260505
Thursday, May 26, 2005
NO!!!!!!....DUN!!!...
My computer is going to crash...SOON!...I can feel it in my skin....very VERY tramuatising....BACK UP!>>>BACK UP!>>>BACK UP!!!
Yah..that is the only thing you can do when ur system is going to crash...and the ability to sense it is better than to see it crash suddenly.
SO....things to do today...BACK UP!...ALL FILES.
ANd wait for it to die.
COmputers is not that scary when you know they are stupid.
260505
Yah..that is the only thing you can do when ur system is going to crash...and the ability to sense it is better than to see it crash suddenly.
SO....things to do today...BACK UP!...ALL FILES.
ANd wait for it to die.
COmputers is not that scary when you know they are stupid.
260505
13 days...
Working full gear now...I am DIVING VERY DEEP into concentration and at the stage of getting things DONE!
Not as if I have never been more hardworking and in full concentration...I am in fact always in this stage when the proper time arrive.
Timing...IS IMPORTANT.
To a person who works last minute.
Every second...COUNTS.
With NO EXCEPTION this time.
13 day which includes the actual installation of my art work and if necessary...
It will be a 24 hours a day thing for me.
As far as I can remember...my record was 3 days.
24 hours a day for 3 days until the deadline. Day and night...
Bring my sleeping bag...burn my midnight oil...drink up all my green tea..
eat all the food in the fridge....
so..it is 13 days now...which is unusually early for me to start...but judging from what I have completed so far...I am left with 13 days to do what I am suppose to do for one year..if this description is good enough to illustrate how desperately last minute I am.
Just to give a very brief description of what I am supose to do today and what I have mangage to complete...
I am suppose to compile all my research and present them in proper accessible documentation.
Do a proper documentation of my previous art work.
Read thru my notes and file them up for reference.
and wat is completed so far?..
I am half way thru each of everything.
which means I have completed nothing.
And what is next for the rest of the 6 days before the installation?
I need to go to the library and source for more refernce.
Print out all my refernce...
Arrange my online reference.
Do a few powerpoint presenation piece of my photo documentation.
MAke a short audio piece BUT THE DAMN SOUND ROOM IS FULLY BOOKED!
The booking sheet is OUT just this morning at 9.30am..
I reach school at 10am...and it is FULLY BOOKED!
And also...I need to decide the actual installation for my final piece, PLUS
I am still very tempted to make 2 more video which requires video editing AGAIN!
and an ARTIST BOOK PROJECT...a small one...with all my rough paper.
All that in 6 days.
I AM NOT GOD.
then...comes the biggest challenge to put everything together...and GRADUATED!
13 days...Let's see how much I can accomplish.
meanwhile, Blogging might become less frequent...unless neccessary...
to chilled out or something...
something like what I am doing now.
260505
Not as if I have never been more hardworking and in full concentration...I am in fact always in this stage when the proper time arrive.
Timing...IS IMPORTANT.
To a person who works last minute.
Every second...COUNTS.
With NO EXCEPTION this time.
13 day which includes the actual installation of my art work and if necessary...
It will be a 24 hours a day thing for me.
As far as I can remember...my record was 3 days.
24 hours a day for 3 days until the deadline. Day and night...
Bring my sleeping bag...burn my midnight oil...drink up all my green tea..
eat all the food in the fridge....
so..it is 13 days now...which is unusually early for me to start...but judging from what I have completed so far...I am left with 13 days to do what I am suppose to do for one year..if this description is good enough to illustrate how desperately last minute I am.
Just to give a very brief description of what I am supose to do today and what I have mangage to complete...
I am suppose to compile all my research and present them in proper accessible documentation.
Do a proper documentation of my previous art work.
Read thru my notes and file them up for reference.
and wat is completed so far?..
I am half way thru each of everything.
which means I have completed nothing.
And what is next for the rest of the 6 days before the installation?
I need to go to the library and source for more refernce.
Print out all my refernce...
Arrange my online reference.
Do a few powerpoint presenation piece of my photo documentation.
MAke a short audio piece BUT THE DAMN SOUND ROOM IS FULLY BOOKED!
The booking sheet is OUT just this morning at 9.30am..
I reach school at 10am...and it is FULLY BOOKED!
And also...I need to decide the actual installation for my final piece, PLUS
I am still very tempted to make 2 more video which requires video editing AGAIN!
and an ARTIST BOOK PROJECT...a small one...with all my rough paper.
All that in 6 days.
I AM NOT GOD.
then...comes the biggest challenge to put everything together...and GRADUATED!
13 days...Let's see how much I can accomplish.
meanwhile, Blogging might become less frequent...unless neccessary...
to chilled out or something...
something like what I am doing now.
260505
He likes me...
He likes me not...
He likes me...
He likes me not...
He likes me...
He likes me not...
Actually..I am not interested anymore.
Not that I dun like him anymore.
But it has come to that point of saturation
where the the sensation has make me too numb...
So numb that I am no longer excited.
So numb that I can jump out of myself and see the whole situation as a third party.
That is the advantage of someone who has schizophrenia tendency...
Or..my friends would probably be mumbling
"Not that serious lah..maybe just split personality"
And...it is back to normal for me actually.
I know I am normal when I start to think.
And when I think...I will make my point clear.
Yesterday, we had our first disagreement.
We are arguing for the first time about something.
Couldn't even remember what it was...but i remember the actual conversation.
It goes...
"Could be."he said.
"It is."I said insistingly.
"Could be"he said again.
"It is."...I said firmly.
And he said finally..."yah..it is. "
"Good."...I rest my case.
It was a silly disagreement I know.
But it only shows that i am not agreeing with watever he says now.
At least now...some of the things he did might be wrong.
LAst week...everything he did was right.
Can you people out there see my point.
I am no longer obsess with him.
Affirmative.
I am myself again.
Nice feeling.
250505
He likes me not...
He likes me...
He likes me not...
He likes me...
He likes me not...
Actually..I am not interested anymore.
Not that I dun like him anymore.
But it has come to that point of saturation
where the the sensation has make me too numb...
So numb that I am no longer excited.
So numb that I can jump out of myself and see the whole situation as a third party.
That is the advantage of someone who has schizophrenia tendency...
Or..my friends would probably be mumbling
"Not that serious lah..maybe just split personality"
And...it is back to normal for me actually.
I know I am normal when I start to think.
And when I think...I will make my point clear.
Yesterday, we had our first disagreement.
We are arguing for the first time about something.
Couldn't even remember what it was...but i remember the actual conversation.
It goes...
"Could be."he said.
"It is."I said insistingly.
"Could be"he said again.
"It is."...I said firmly.
And he said finally..."yah..it is. "
"Good."...I rest my case.
It was a silly disagreement I know.
But it only shows that i am not agreeing with watever he says now.
At least now...some of the things he did might be wrong.
LAst week...everything he did was right.
Can you people out there see my point.
I am no longer obsess with him.
Affirmative.
I am myself again.
Nice feeling.
250505
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Time and Money cycle....
Time is money. I treasure this knowledge.
Because for the past one and a half year...or to be more exact...since I graduate from JC when I was 18...time to me...most of the time is equivalent to money.
Working in the as a waitress, my wage range from $6/hr when I first started to $10/hr when I leave singapore...and my wage here as a waitress here range from £3.50/hr to £5.50/hr and occassionally I get tips. Time is indeed money. There are days when I am so so poor that when I am not working, I will lie on my bed to feel guilty becos every single minute doinng nothing means no earning means NO MONEY TO PAY SCHOOL FEES and RENT.
Here comes the supposed logic of things....
Time is sacrifice for making money...and now...money is spent to buy back time.
Too little time to do so many things...to speed up...you spend money.
The cheapest loaf of bread in town is sold in Sainsbury. £0.19...EVEN CHEAPER THAN THE LOTI(means bread) SOLD IN SINGAPORE!!!...but becos the bigger Sainsbury is not near...I decided to spend £0.50 instead in Farmfood this morning on my way to school to buy a loaf. But the irony of things is...TIME...is MORE PRECIOUS than money. I absolutely understand this but unfortunately is in no position to stand up for it...BUT I KNOW IT...Especially when I am 14 days to my degree show...I have decided it is time to use the money earn by selling away my time...to buy back the time I have lost. EVERY minute COUNTS...including the time I spent typing this blog...which I shouldn't be doing...hence to justifymy action. I have decided...MY BLOG SHALL ALSO BE PART OF MY DEGREE SHOW....to show that the time spent on writing all these is WORTH!
Like what I always tell my friends...I am NOT AN ARTIST.
I am a CON-artist.
CONceptual-artist...that is.
250505
Because for the past one and a half year...or to be more exact...since I graduate from JC when I was 18...time to me...most of the time is equivalent to money.
Working in the as a waitress, my wage range from $6/hr when I first started to $10/hr when I leave singapore...and my wage here as a waitress here range from £3.50/hr to £5.50/hr and occassionally I get tips. Time is indeed money. There are days when I am so so poor that when I am not working, I will lie on my bed to feel guilty becos every single minute doinng nothing means no earning means NO MONEY TO PAY SCHOOL FEES and RENT.
Here comes the supposed logic of things....
Time is sacrifice for making money...and now...money is spent to buy back time.
Too little time to do so many things...to speed up...you spend money.
The cheapest loaf of bread in town is sold in Sainsbury. £0.19...EVEN CHEAPER THAN THE LOTI(means bread) SOLD IN SINGAPORE!!!...but becos the bigger Sainsbury is not near...I decided to spend £0.50 instead in Farmfood this morning on my way to school to buy a loaf. But the irony of things is...TIME...is MORE PRECIOUS than money. I absolutely understand this but unfortunately is in no position to stand up for it...BUT I KNOW IT...Especially when I am 14 days to my degree show...I have decided it is time to use the money earn by selling away my time...to buy back the time I have lost. EVERY minute COUNTS...including the time I spent typing this blog...which I shouldn't be doing...hence to justifymy action. I have decided...MY BLOG SHALL ALSO BE PART OF MY DEGREE SHOW....to show that the time spent on writing all these is WORTH!
Like what I always tell my friends...I am NOT AN ARTIST.
I am a CON-artist.
CONceptual-artist...that is.
250505
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Just finish writing my programme of study this morning
Writing the programme of study for my work is as inspiring as making my artwork. While visions of how my graduation piece is going to be...floods my mind. I want to do this..and that...this and this...and that...everything...so many things I want to do....so little time...as usual.
Always like that.
230505
Always like that.
230505
My Horoscope for the day...
It says...
Listen to the advice of your nearest and dearest.
They have all the answers and no, I'm not going to say they only think they do.
On this occassion they really do.
So my nearest to heart and dearest to me people out there somewhere in the world
do you have anything to tell me today?
240505
Listen to the advice of your nearest and dearest.
They have all the answers and no, I'm not going to say they only think they do.
On this occassion they really do.
So my nearest to heart and dearest to me people out there somewhere in the world
do you have anything to tell me today?
240505
I wonder if he feels it.
I have facial expression which can be read like a book..and gesture like words. which I presume, anyone smart enough should know that I like him. Including people who walked past the corridor everyday.. and saw us together day and night...I suspect some of them actually knew. As for him, I really wonder if he feels anything at all. Everyday, we see each other. Everyday, we hang around together in this mutual space. It is either I have been a better actress than I expect myself to be and he really din have a clue or that he is a great actor...and I din have a clue...OR......maybe he is treating me as just another fren.
It can be that simple or is it too complicated?
I should just ask him if he had any feelings for me.
yah..I should.
230505
It can be that simple or is it too complicated?
I should just ask him if he had any feelings for me.
yah..I should.
230505
Tesco my love...
I regret buying that pack of ham from Sainbury....is the most horrible tasting ham I have eaten...since I arrive here...
In terms of taste...too saltish.
Feel...Too oily.
Price...too steep.
Tesco ham...on the other ham...nice and chewy...
not too saltish...
and is CHAEP!
Conclusion....
I swear I will never buy Sainsbury ham again...
and Tesco...
My love.
230505
In terms of taste...too saltish.
Feel...Too oily.
Price...too steep.
Tesco ham...on the other ham...nice and chewy...
not too saltish...
and is CHAEP!
Conclusion....
I swear I will never buy Sainsbury ham again...
and Tesco...
My love.
230505
Monday, May 23, 2005
When I was 17...
I was naived.
and now...I still am.
Been to my blogpal's site to check out his latest music...
It was called.."Naive".
Brought me back to that instant..
Slow-mo...colours fading....and you see two figures...walking under the rain...trying to share a pathetic brolly...that is the beauty of rain.
Or you see one girl writing something ...sitting on a bench..smiling...
Saw a boy...sitting next to her...
I dun have any feelings for him now. But I will always smile when I remember those days...
Naive...very naive...
Thanks pal...you reminded me of my beautiful 17...with your music.
www.ghostnotes.blogspot.com
sha
230505
and now...I still am.
Been to my blogpal's site to check out his latest music...
It was called.."Naive".
Brought me back to that instant..
Slow-mo...colours fading....and you see two figures...walking under the rain...trying to share a pathetic brolly...that is the beauty of rain.
Or you see one girl writing something ...sitting on a bench..smiling...
Saw a boy...sitting next to her...
I dun have any feelings for him now. But I will always smile when I remember those days...
Naive...very naive...
Thanks pal...you reminded me of my beautiful 17...with your music.
www.ghostnotes.blogspot.com
sha
230505
Ah...you know what...
I miss out an important lead as to why he is different today...
I send him an sms yesterday...and he replied...and I replied...and he replied.
And it was quite sweet actually.
230505
I send him an sms yesterday...and he replied...and I replied...and he replied.
And it was quite sweet actually.
230505
But...I am smiling...
I am confused...but I am happy...despite the fact that I am scared and probably trying to run away...I am happy..I know...becos I can feel the smile on my face...
However...I came to realise another point...the people here like to call people "darling, honey and sweetheart"...like they will call "Miss or Madam..."
Maybe I am imagining things...
Whatever...
220505
However...I came to realise another point...the people here like to call people "darling, honey and sweetheart"...like they will call "Miss or Madam..."
Maybe I am imagining things...
Whatever...
220505
"Hello..dar.."
WAT!??!..
Again..wat did you just call me?...or are you calling me?
I didn't ask...but I am screaming in my mind....becos I heard him call me "dar.."
Is that a language misinterpretation?...is that greek?
OR that is english...and he meant "Hello Darling."
I was tongue-tied...but i ran away...walking towards the office door without stopping...and turn my head and reply approximately 3 seconds later when I am already roughly 6 metres away from him...I ask a stupid question to start for the day..."are you here very early today?"
actually I am not interested at all if he is there or not in the morning...I just need to fill up the empty space in our conversation...in case he realise I am "stuck" with words.
"half-nine..." he replied.
Anyway...the atmosphere is weird today.
Suddenly I am scared.
I remember my conversation with Yahui...
I asked her..."what if he also likes me..."
she said..."you know...I think I heard you said the same thing to me many years ago..."
Indeed...when i was 18....I ask her the same qeustion which i just did. And the scenerio was...I was in love with this guy...but realise that he might also like me...become very scare...and ran away...in the end...that guy and me..are still good friends...but nothing really did happen between us...
I have this history of running away when people like me.
EVen when the person who likes me is someone I like.
What is wrong with me?
He better be a good runner...
220505
Again..wat did you just call me?...or are you calling me?
I didn't ask...but I am screaming in my mind....becos I heard him call me "dar.."
Is that a language misinterpretation?...is that greek?
OR that is english...and he meant "Hello Darling."
I was tongue-tied...but i ran away...walking towards the office door without stopping...and turn my head and reply approximately 3 seconds later when I am already roughly 6 metres away from him...I ask a stupid question to start for the day..."are you here very early today?"
actually I am not interested at all if he is there or not in the morning...I just need to fill up the empty space in our conversation...in case he realise I am "stuck" with words.
"half-nine..." he replied.
Anyway...the atmosphere is weird today.
Suddenly I am scared.
I remember my conversation with Yahui...
I asked her..."what if he also likes me..."
she said..."you know...I think I heard you said the same thing to me many years ago..."
Indeed...when i was 18....I ask her the same qeustion which i just did. And the scenerio was...I was in love with this guy...but realise that he might also like me...become very scare...and ran away...in the end...that guy and me..are still good friends...but nothing really did happen between us...
I have this history of running away when people like me.
EVen when the person who likes me is someone I like.
What is wrong with me?
He better be a good runner...
220505
In PAin..
Ah...a woman can become THAT jealous...
like stabbing me in the heart....
and yah...
I really cannot bear to stay here any longer...
makes me feel like a THIRD PARTY!
And so...this shall be the last of my posting for the day.
Go home and recuperate.
Need strength to love again tomolo.
220505
like stabbing me in the heart....
and yah...
I really cannot bear to stay here any longer...
makes me feel like a THIRD PARTY!
And so...this shall be the last of my posting for the day.
Go home and recuperate.
Need strength to love again tomolo.
220505
Smell & Touch
Sense of smell
I notice he smell of washing powder yesterday...
and he wore a different jumper ...
that must be a newly washed jumper...
the smell of washing powder never smell better...
Sense of touch
I notice he shaved today...
very clean...too clean...
I told him I prefer him yesterday...
And he commented that he dun shave very often actually
(then why did he shave!)
and he ask me if he looks younger now...
(I like him yesterday...I repeat)
but he said...it is nice to touch after he shave...
(ah...yah...I wonder how it feels)
220505
I notice he smell of washing powder yesterday...
and he wore a different jumper ...
that must be a newly washed jumper...
the smell of washing powder never smell better...
Sense of touch
I notice he shaved today...
very clean...too clean...
I told him I prefer him yesterday...
And he commented that he dun shave very often actually
(then why did he shave!)
and he ask me if he looks younger now...
(I like him yesterday...I repeat)
but he said...it is nice to touch after he shave...
(ah...yah...I wonder how it feels)
220505
The higher I float...the harder I fall...
Just a while after the greatest bliss...
I had the greatest grief for the day..
That girl whom I saw just now...came back...
I can feel that she is here for a reason today.
Just sitting between me and him is obvious enuff...
although it might mean nothing.
I am more hurt than dead now.
She wins the game today...
becos I dun understand a single word they are speaking.
They are fellow greek.
I shall die in pain.
How dramatic...all in a day.
220505.
I had the greatest grief for the day..
That girl whom I saw just now...came back...
I can feel that she is here for a reason today.
Just sitting between me and him is obvious enuff...
although it might mean nothing.
I am more hurt than dead now.
She wins the game today...
becos I dun understand a single word they are speaking.
They are fellow greek.
I shall die in pain.
How dramatic...all in a day.
220505.
Paper aeroplane...
I was folding a lame looking tiny paper aeroplane...with some rough paper on the table...
and he said," you dun noe how to make a paper aeroplane..?"
yah...I dun noe...I never noe how to make a proper-can-fly paper aeroplane...
It is a very boy thing....or maybe i did noe how to...but I forget.
And he showed me.
We had a piece of paper each...and we fold one each.
"like dat...like this...and you fold like dat...turn...and fold like this...."
And I did it....he said the trick is...to have a balance paper plane..so that it will fly very far away...
Fly it in the corridor against each other..
...and thought it was fun...
Then he said," Come...let's go to the top floor...!"
"Huh?"
we ran to the lift...
3rd floor...
He forgot to lock his studio...And said..."I hope no one will steal our computer..."
we smile naughtily...as we wait for the door of the lift to open...
3rd floor...
we turn left..MFA studio...and no one is inside...
but...from there...the paper plane will only fly within the building...
and i told him..."let's go to the other side...so that the plane will fly past the road...
we did.
we open a studio window...and at my count to 3...
"One..."
"two...."
"three..."
Two paper aeroplane...
fly....
and landed...
on the road...
we had a little giggle...and went back to our studio..
And that is the happiest thing today.
220505
and he said," you dun noe how to make a paper aeroplane..?"
yah...I dun noe...I never noe how to make a proper-can-fly paper aeroplane...
It is a very boy thing....or maybe i did noe how to...but I forget.
And he showed me.
We had a piece of paper each...and we fold one each.
"like dat...like this...and you fold like dat...turn...and fold like this...."
And I did it....he said the trick is...to have a balance paper plane..so that it will fly very far away...
Fly it in the corridor against each other..
...and thought it was fun...
Then he said," Come...let's go to the top floor...!"
"Huh?"
we ran to the lift...
3rd floor...
He forgot to lock his studio...And said..."I hope no one will steal our computer..."
we smile naughtily...as we wait for the door of the lift to open...
3rd floor...
we turn left..MFA studio...and no one is inside...
but...from there...the paper plane will only fly within the building...
and i told him..."let's go to the other side...so that the plane will fly past the road...
we did.
we open a studio window...and at my count to 3...
"One..."
"two...."
"three..."
Two paper aeroplane...
fly....
and landed...
on the road...
we had a little giggle...and went back to our studio..
And that is the happiest thing today.
220505
Sunday, May 22, 2005
I was finally back to school at 4pm...
Went in by the back door becos it is sunday and the main door is shut early...
First person I see is him...becos his studio is near the back door..him..and someone else...
I just died.
But 5 minutes later...I went back to his studio...sit down and plug in....
he suddenly say my name...
not Sha...my chinese name...
he ask me how am I today...
and I was alive again.
220505
First person I see is him...becos his studio is near the back door..him..and someone else...
I just died.
But 5 minutes later...I went back to his studio...sit down and plug in....
he suddenly say my name...
not Sha...my chinese name...
he ask me how am I today...
and I was alive again.
220505
"You BETRAYED TESCO for him...!!!"
I shall die without any regrets as I have realise how many soulmates I've actually got...LW..actually had a very close to my heart response when I told her I went to Sainsbury yesterday with him....she exclaimed in MSN..." YOu betrayed Tesco for him!!"...I was like...I have never tell anyone how faithful I am to Tesco...and she can actually feel that and say that aloud for me....
Ah...yes....sorry my beloved TESCO. I should never have gone to Sainsbury yesterday...please forgive me...but but....becos you are too far away...
The story begins with my almost empty frigde.
It is going to be empty and hence the need to fill it up.
His as well.
The both of us has been working really hard these days that we are both totally exhausted by the time we reach home and eat up all our supplies...and hence...his fridge and my fridge are empty at the same time. His fridge is not my fridge in case some of you raise an eyebrow.
Anyway...and so...yesterday...a nice Friday...
while we are still in the studio...he suddenly said this to me
"Sha, I am going to leave in a while...is that ok for you?"
Of cos...this is his space.
But I can't help but to ask why?....expecting an answer like..."oh I am going for a drink with friends??...or..i am meeting some friends...or blah blah..."
But no.
He said, " I need to go Sainsbury.."
I replied,"Huh..I need to go do grocery as well...my fridge is absolutely (or almost) empty..."..I am not lying....I really intend to go Tesco this evening even if he is not leaving...i will.
"me too..my fridge is empty too!"...he said.
But his destination is Sainsbury.
For the benefit of my Singaporean friends...
Tesco is like NTUC and Sainsbury is like Cold Storage.
And so...without saying "OK let's do shopping together"...we automatically assume we are going to do that together...but the question is NTUC or Cold Storage...er...I mean Tesco or Sainsbury.
So when it comes to the part when we are both walking towards the city...I ask him...which Sainsbury...?
Becos there are 2...One is a express small one with a steeper price...and the other is a larger one witha friendier price plus with some good discount occassionally...the xpress Sainsbury is 5 minutes walk from school....the larger Sainsbury is 15 minutes walk....and...TESCO...is 25 minute away....
He said...this one...meaning the 5 minute one...
ah...should have known...guys are like dat..they are not particular about price...they just want convenient...I guess..
I plead...."Can we go to Tesco?....
"Nope."....he said.
"Why?"...I asked.
"becos it is too far away....and I am going to take a cab home...it will cost more...", he replied.
Ah..this is the most logical answer becos even me will feel the pinch...taking a cab.
So I forgive him...we go Sainsbury...
But but...
So I ask him again..."Can we go to the big Sainsbury instead of the small one"
"Which big one?"..
"The one Soren and Sandy went to...."
"Ah..that one...mmm..."
Thinking for more than 2 seconds...he replied..."OK."
And so....I betrayed my beloved TESCO...and went to Sainsbury yesterday...
not too bad actually...got a bargin discounted Golden delicious apple for only £0.20!!!
and some usual stuff I would buy usually in Sainsbury...I mean..i do have stuff that I would only buy in Sainsbury...but most of my favorite stuff are from Tesco...but I did grab some essentials from Sainsbury...and observe what is in his shopping basket...and felt rather please.
His shopping list:
Tomatoes
Rice
paisley
canned plum tomatoes
rice
onions
one small bottle of Fanta orange
Lamb mince
chicken
toilet rolls
mushrooms
cheese
blah blah...couldn't remember all...as I am shopping myself as well...
I only bought
Golden delicious apple
Ham
Chinese leaf
rice
sweet potatoes
And yah...end of shopping...we took a cab...
he drop me off somewhere near the school so that I walk home myself...while his cab goes to a different direction.
That's all.
210505
Ah...yes....sorry my beloved TESCO. I should never have gone to Sainsbury yesterday...please forgive me...but but....becos you are too far away...
The story begins with my almost empty frigde.
It is going to be empty and hence the need to fill it up.
His as well.
The both of us has been working really hard these days that we are both totally exhausted by the time we reach home and eat up all our supplies...and hence...his fridge and my fridge are empty at the same time. His fridge is not my fridge in case some of you raise an eyebrow.
Anyway...and so...yesterday...a nice Friday...
while we are still in the studio...he suddenly said this to me
"Sha, I am going to leave in a while...is that ok for you?"
Of cos...this is his space.
But I can't help but to ask why?....expecting an answer like..."oh I am going for a drink with friends??...or..i am meeting some friends...or blah blah..."
But no.
He said, " I need to go Sainsbury.."
I replied,"Huh..I need to go do grocery as well...my fridge is absolutely (or almost) empty..."..I am not lying....I really intend to go Tesco this evening even if he is not leaving...i will.
"me too..my fridge is empty too!"...he said.
But his destination is Sainsbury.
For the benefit of my Singaporean friends...
Tesco is like NTUC and Sainsbury is like Cold Storage.
And so...without saying "OK let's do shopping together"...we automatically assume we are going to do that together...but the question is NTUC or Cold Storage...er...I mean Tesco or Sainsbury.
So when it comes to the part when we are both walking towards the city...I ask him...which Sainsbury...?
Becos there are 2...One is a express small one with a steeper price...and the other is a larger one witha friendier price plus with some good discount occassionally...the xpress Sainsbury is 5 minutes walk from school....the larger Sainsbury is 15 minutes walk....and...TESCO...is 25 minute away....
He said...this one...meaning the 5 minute one...
ah...should have known...guys are like dat..they are not particular about price...they just want convenient...I guess..
I plead...."Can we go to Tesco?....
"Nope."....he said.
"Why?"...I asked.
"becos it is too far away....and I am going to take a cab home...it will cost more...", he replied.
Ah..this is the most logical answer becos even me will feel the pinch...taking a cab.
So I forgive him...we go Sainsbury...
But but...
So I ask him again..."Can we go to the big Sainsbury instead of the small one"
"Which big one?"..
"The one Soren and Sandy went to...."
"Ah..that one...mmm..."
Thinking for more than 2 seconds...he replied..."OK."
And so....I betrayed my beloved TESCO...and went to Sainsbury yesterday...
not too bad actually...got a bargin discounted Golden delicious apple for only £0.20!!!
and some usual stuff I would buy usually in Sainsbury...I mean..i do have stuff that I would only buy in Sainsbury...but most of my favorite stuff are from Tesco...but I did grab some essentials from Sainsbury...and observe what is in his shopping basket...and felt rather please.
His shopping list:
Tomatoes
Rice
paisley
canned plum tomatoes
rice
onions
one small bottle of Fanta orange
Lamb mince
chicken
toilet rolls
mushrooms
cheese
blah blah...couldn't remember all...as I am shopping myself as well...
I only bought
Golden delicious apple
Ham
Chinese leaf
rice
sweet potatoes
And yah...end of shopping...we took a cab...
he drop me off somewhere near the school so that I walk home myself...while his cab goes to a different direction.
That's all.
210505
If i win the £29 Million Lottery...
I will...
1. Go buy that pair of shoes.
2. Buy an air ticket home for 3 days...and bring back some stuff for my degree show.
3. Go do laundry in that laundry shop.
4. Go have a nice dinner in a nice restaurant.
5. Take a cab to Tesco.
Wait wait Wait a minute...!!!!! £29 Million...not £290 ...
One more time...
I will...
1. Go to that shoe shop and get that shoe in all colors of my size...and a couple of few more I rather fancy...
2. Buy air tix for my family to see my degree show...ask them to bring me my stuff.
3. Buy a washing machine.
4. Go to a posh restaurant and have nice dinner.
5. Get my housekeeper to buy the Grocery.
wait..!...still not right ...£29 Million...
Again..
1. Go shopping and buy anything...NOT ONLY THE SHOES.
2. Just anyhow graduate and buy air tixs to GO FOR A LONG HOLIDAY.
3. Throw all my laundry...and buy things whenever I want.
4. WHo cares about posh dinner...I will ask my chef to cook.
5. Grocery???!!...not something that should bother me...someone will take care of it.
Is that how a millionaire should behave I wonder...if that is so...i dun think i like the whole of it.
Maybe for a while...it is nice...but...if i am really DAMN rich suddenly.
I just want to relax and do nothing....barefooted...lying somewhere warm and nice...read a book or a magazine.....ah...nice....maybe have a personal art studio...and a study room for me to write some nice books...I love writing as much as making art....and and....now i am really enjoying...
of cos....only if...i win the £29 Million lottery....
Hohoho....I am dreaming again.
Nice dreaming.
210505
1. Go buy that pair of shoes.
2. Buy an air ticket home for 3 days...and bring back some stuff for my degree show.
3. Go do laundry in that laundry shop.
4. Go have a nice dinner in a nice restaurant.
5. Take a cab to Tesco.
Wait wait Wait a minute...!!!!! £29 Million...not £290 ...
One more time...
I will...
1. Go to that shoe shop and get that shoe in all colors of my size...and a couple of few more I rather fancy...
2. Buy air tix for my family to see my degree show...ask them to bring me my stuff.
3. Buy a washing machine.
4. Go to a posh restaurant and have nice dinner.
5. Get my housekeeper to buy the Grocery.
wait..!...still not right ...£29 Million...
Again..
1. Go shopping and buy anything...NOT ONLY THE SHOES.
2. Just anyhow graduate and buy air tixs to GO FOR A LONG HOLIDAY.
3. Throw all my laundry...and buy things whenever I want.
4. WHo cares about posh dinner...I will ask my chef to cook.
5. Grocery???!!...not something that should bother me...someone will take care of it.
Is that how a millionaire should behave I wonder...if that is so...i dun think i like the whole of it.
Maybe for a while...it is nice...but...if i am really DAMN rich suddenly.
I just want to relax and do nothing....barefooted...lying somewhere warm and nice...read a book or a magazine.....ah...nice....maybe have a personal art studio...and a study room for me to write some nice books...I love writing as much as making art....and and....now i am really enjoying...
of cos....only if...i win the £29 Million lottery....
Hohoho....I am dreaming again.
Nice dreaming.
210505
Saturday, May 21, 2005
One last article...for the day ..I promise...
LAst last!!!...I promise...
The typical cycle of a person suffering from OCD.
Obsessions cause anxiety, causing the sufferer to engage in compulsions in an attempt to aleviate the distress caused by the obsessions. In order to gain relief. Carrying out these compulsions, or rituals, does not result in any permanent change, and in fact, the OC symptoms worsen.
Relief ---->Obsession ----> Anxiety ----> Compulsions -----> Relief----->
200505
The typical cycle of a person suffering from OCD.
Obsessions cause anxiety, causing the sufferer to engage in compulsions in an attempt to aleviate the distress caused by the obsessions. In order to gain relief. Carrying out these compulsions, or rituals, does not result in any permanent change, and in fact, the OC symptoms worsen.
Relief ---->Obsession ----> Anxiety ----> Compulsions -----> Relief----->
200505
An OCD Story
A man can't bear to throw anything away. Junk mail, old newspapers, empty milk cartons all "could contain something valuable that might be useful someday." If he throws things away, "something terrible will happen."
He hoards so much clutter that he can no longer walk thru his house. Insisting that nothing be thrown away, he moves to another house where he continues to hoard.
Sounds like me...move to another country...and continues to hoard...
OK!!!...this is the last OCD news of the DAY!
LAST!
200505
He hoards so much clutter that he can no longer walk thru his house. Insisting that nothing be thrown away, he moves to another house where he continues to hoard.
Sounds like me...move to another country...and continues to hoard...
OK!!!...this is the last OCD news of the DAY!
LAST!
200505
Ahh...sorry folks...
To bore you all with my another OCD...
Obessive compulsive disorder to find out if I am really an OCD....and bombard everyone with rubbish info I find online....about OCD...
Forgive me.
I just need to assure myself...OH NO!!!...another type of OCD..."need to repeatedly assure myself of something"...
If this goes on...I will be crazy...as if I am not now.
watever...couldn't be bother anymore...yawn...
200505...
Obessive compulsive disorder to find out if I am really an OCD....and bombard everyone with rubbish info I find online....about OCD...
Forgive me.
I just need to assure myself...OH NO!!!...another type of OCD..."need to repeatedly assure myself of something"...
If this goes on...I will be crazy...as if I am not now.
watever...couldn't be bother anymore...yawn...
200505...
Similiar definition
Hoarding symtoms-
Reluctance to throw things away, regardless of the value or usefulness.
Rummaging through garbage to ensure nothing valuable was thrown away. Collecting useless items.
200505
Reluctance to throw things away, regardless of the value or usefulness.
Rummaging through garbage to ensure nothing valuable was thrown away. Collecting useless items.
200505
More about OCD...
Facts: blue is the fact...red is my comment.
OCD is a medical illness recognized by experts throughout the world.
OCD is the fourth most common mental illness and affects approximately 5 million people in the United States.
People with OCD are not "crazy", although they may sometimes feel that way because they are troubled by thoughts and actions that they know are inappropriate. (I dun think I am crazy..)
People with OCD are often anxious and depressed. (It is a known fact that I have cyclical depression which I enjoy...strangely)
People with OCD often believe they are the only ones who have irrational, obsessive thoughts, and are therefore often ashamed and afraid to tell anyone or to seek help. (I am not ashame of it..in fact I quite like the idea that I am not too normal...and I tell everyone..!!)
Diagnosis is delayed until these symptoms are "unmasked". (this is true...I din realise that...before)
Having OCD is not a sign of weakness or a lack of willpower in stopping the thoughts and behaviors. (Agree)
Although the exact cause is not known, experts believe that OCD may be caused by low levels of a chemical in the brain called serotonin. (If that is the case...I might not be suffering from OCD...I have got good amount of serotonin....and eat healthily...of cos...the exact cause is not known)
OCD is a treatable disease, and effective medications and therapy techniques are available.
Sufferers can get better if they seek help and get the appropriate treatment.
http://www.diagnose-me.com/cond/C167910.html#G744
200505
OCD is a medical illness recognized by experts throughout the world.
OCD is the fourth most common mental illness and affects approximately 5 million people in the United States.
People with OCD are not "crazy", although they may sometimes feel that way because they are troubled by thoughts and actions that they know are inappropriate. (I dun think I am crazy..)
People with OCD are often anxious and depressed. (It is a known fact that I have cyclical depression which I enjoy...strangely)
People with OCD often believe they are the only ones who have irrational, obsessive thoughts, and are therefore often ashamed and afraid to tell anyone or to seek help. (I am not ashame of it..in fact I quite like the idea that I am not too normal...and I tell everyone..!!)
Diagnosis is delayed until these symptoms are "unmasked". (this is true...I din realise that...before)
Having OCD is not a sign of weakness or a lack of willpower in stopping the thoughts and behaviors. (Agree)
Although the exact cause is not known, experts believe that OCD may be caused by low levels of a chemical in the brain called serotonin. (If that is the case...I might not be suffering from OCD...I have got good amount of serotonin....and eat healthily...of cos...the exact cause is not known)
OCD is a treatable disease, and effective medications and therapy techniques are available.
Sufferers can get better if they seek help and get the appropriate treatment.
http://www.diagnose-me.com/cond/C167910.html#G744
200505
So many type of OCD....what a crazy world...we are living in...
There are actually all kinds of OCD in this weird weird world...and i am beginning to suspect everybody has their own little obsession....
mine is this...
Hoarding, Saving, and Collecting Obsessions
(Examples)
*Urge to know or remember certain things-slogans, license plate numbers, names, words, events of the past (70%)
*Picking up items from the ground (60%)
*Filling empty space (60%)..er..more like cannot stand a place which is too empty...dun feel comfortable...
*Difficulty throwing things away, even seemingly useless items (90%)
*Collecting useless things (90%)
*Saving or collecting seemingly useless items (75%)
I am suppose to think hard about how strong these aspect affect me...according to this category of obsession...I put a bracket to each example in terms of how intense I feel is relevent to me...but I would like to explain the part about collecting seemingly useless item...my problem is...I find all items useful....nothing is too useless...that is why i collect them...but...for most people...the things i collect does seems useless.
Then...I found some other Obsession which reminds me of some friends...like
Repeating, Counting, Ordering Compulsions
(Examples)
Reading and rereading things, sometimes for hours
Excessive worrying that one didn't understand something one read
Excessive writing and rewriting things
Repeating routine activities-going in and out of doorways, repeated crossing of thresholds, getting up and down from a chair, combing hair, tying shoes, dressing and undressing over and over
Doing certain activities a particular number of times
Counting items-books on a shelf, ceiling tiles, cars going by
Counting during compulsive activities, such as checking and washing
Arranging items in a certain order - books, pencils, cupboards (80%)
I remember my fren LW...always make sure her pencils and pen are arrange in a particular direction in her pencil case...ohh..but only that example....the rest does not apply anyway...so..she is not a OCD I reckon...not like me...who has all the ticks in the tick boxes for my category...
and and this one...which I suspect many people are in a way...
Superstitious Obsessions
(Examples)
Fear of saying certain words because of obsessional beliefs
Fear of using certain colors for superstitious reasons
Fears about deviating from certain patterns of counting, walking around ladders, walking between oil spots on the pavement, etc.
Concern with lucky and unlucky numbers
Or
Ordering and Organizing Obsessions
(Examples)
Preoccupation with exactness, or perfect order
Having handwriting be perfect or "just so"
Compiling information, files, papers, or other items a certain "perfect" way
ah...so many category and examples....
Can we just assume everybody is crazy in some way....
Hence the conclusion is...since everybody is crazy...
That makes me NORMAL.
This is what Yahui told me.
200505
mine is this...
Hoarding, Saving, and Collecting Obsessions
(Examples)
*Urge to know or remember certain things-slogans, license plate numbers, names, words, events of the past (70%)
*Picking up items from the ground (60%)
*Filling empty space (60%)..er..more like cannot stand a place which is too empty...dun feel comfortable...
*Difficulty throwing things away, even seemingly useless items (90%)
*Collecting useless things (90%)
*Saving or collecting seemingly useless items (75%)
I am suppose to think hard about how strong these aspect affect me...according to this category of obsession...I put a bracket to each example in terms of how intense I feel is relevent to me...but I would like to explain the part about collecting seemingly useless item...my problem is...I find all items useful....nothing is too useless...that is why i collect them...but...for most people...the things i collect does seems useless.
Then...I found some other Obsession which reminds me of some friends...like
Repeating, Counting, Ordering Compulsions
(Examples)
Reading and rereading things, sometimes for hours
Excessive worrying that one didn't understand something one read
Excessive writing and rewriting things
Repeating routine activities-going in and out of doorways, repeated crossing of thresholds, getting up and down from a chair, combing hair, tying shoes, dressing and undressing over and over
Doing certain activities a particular number of times
Counting items-books on a shelf, ceiling tiles, cars going by
Counting during compulsive activities, such as checking and washing
Arranging items in a certain order - books, pencils, cupboards (80%)
I remember my fren LW...always make sure her pencils and pen are arrange in a particular direction in her pencil case...ohh..but only that example....the rest does not apply anyway...so..she is not a OCD I reckon...not like me...who has all the ticks in the tick boxes for my category...
and and this one...which I suspect many people are in a way...
Superstitious Obsessions
(Examples)
Fear of saying certain words because of obsessional beliefs
Fear of using certain colors for superstitious reasons
Fears about deviating from certain patterns of counting, walking around ladders, walking between oil spots on the pavement, etc.
Concern with lucky and unlucky numbers
Or
Ordering and Organizing Obsessions
(Examples)
Preoccupation with exactness, or perfect order
Having handwriting be perfect or "just so"
Compiling information, files, papers, or other items a certain "perfect" way
ah...so many category and examples....
Can we just assume everybody is crazy in some way....
Hence the conclusion is...since everybody is crazy...
That makes me NORMAL.
This is what Yahui told me.
200505
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