Crap school..

It is perhaps a bit too late to regret studying in this school afterall i am going to graduate soon...but i would like to warn whoever is planning to study in UK....DON'T ever believe their promise for good facilities.....I have suffer a lot becos of the bad facilities,,,plus...i have to pay 4 times as much school fees as i am an oversea student...just NOT worth it.....or maybe i am just too demanding....but i thought i have the right to be....becos i worked very hard to pay all the fees and all i get is this.....ahh watever....

100 DAYS TO DEGREE SHOW!!!!!!!!

090305

I wish i wish....

1. I wish I struck the first prize in lottery.
2. I wish the sale of my house is done with a good prize.
3. I wish I can graduate with at least a 2-1 degree.

090305

Fallen angel...

I fell from the sky 1 minute ago....when i was told that the good news is a false hope at the moment...and just have to keep waiting....until heaven opens the door again for me...

090305

A piece of heaven...

I received a piece of good news yesterday that is comparable to heaven...which makes me sleep very well and smiled all day for no apparent reason...oh...er...for this reason...and this makes me feel stronger and healthier...with better appetite....ahh....everything is just like the weather.....the long awaited SPRING....nice warm and sunny...with a little bit of drizzle...

080305

PISSED OFF!!!

Cannot find a better word to describe the feeling when i saw my two rolls of slides turning into blank rolls....when i collected then last friday. Issit my camera, or my fault...I am not interested at all actually....becos i am simply pissed off for spending £20 plus in all to produce nothing.... I know nobody believe this...but £20 is alot of money to me...i sacrifice my 3 months of daily spendings for art...and i get nothing.


070305

The mystery of the dimishing dimples...

The one thing that i am proud of about my face is my dimple...any other features on my face can be ignore actually...but recently i have gain weight...and my dimples are disappearing...TO MY HORROR!...my conclusion is...I have grown fat ...and the fats around my face muscle has cause the strain causing difficult to my face muscle to push further to create the usual dent....bottom line is...I need a diet.

070305

Things I hate about my flatmate..blah blah...

I have been following this blog of late...
www.ihatemyflatmate.blogspot.com
funny and ironic...keeps me entertained.

070305

The weather report...

"The weather is beginning to look a bit more like spring finally..." said the weatherman from BBC news yesterday...indeed...it is suppose to be spring now...and yes...finally it is behaving properly...flowers are growing happily...and leaves are sprouting...but we never know...when it will go haywire again....just have to be glad that the sun shines today.

070305

In bad shape.

I am convinced that i have become very unhealthy lately.
I knew this when my lecturer and me walk out the the school building together and ended up 50 metres behind her after walking up some steps and up the slope towards the library....the worse part was...despite the fact that I was already walking too slowly....i was panting...like I have done a 2.4KM run....something is not right...I need to do something.

070305

Shit mood...

yah...very restless today.

040305

Friday...

This has been my greatest guilt for only attend ONE friday event out of my one and a half year of study in Glasgow....I NEVER manage to wake up...and the one and only time i went...was becos i had a tutorial before that in the morning at 10am...hence after the thing i just went...which i was late...and falls asleep halfway...I believe in fate...and i think this is fate. Today is Friday....despite the fate that i set my alarm to 10am...i went back to sleep.

040305

Fate...

Fate brought me to this very beautiful music....which I downloaded from a blog...which i chanced upon while reading a comment made by this blogger on another blogsite...and so...it was fate.

Or else this melody will never be in my mind right now....

030305

Time flys...

Yah...I am in the EMA for around 2 hours and time flys...and every shop will be closed by 5pm...and school will be closed...EMA people will chase me away like the library janitor...and i had to go home...and be alone again...though I am alone here as well...i now someone is online somewhere...at home...i talk to only my self...i amuse only myself...and here...i can talk to the "world" even if no one is listening....ohh...how ironic...maybe i should just talk and amuse myself...in which the rate is 100% audience and respond.....

by the way...I hate school at the moment...hate hate hate.


030305

Just not confident enuough to do it....

So many things i wanted to do but dun noe how...very tired in fact....for pursuing...and most of the things...I just dun have the confident to do it...and I dun want to in the end....


This is again...fate.

030305

The poor flowers on the street...

There are sprouting....finally ....in the middle of the bushes...little purple and yellow flowers.....which means...spring is on the way...but alas...they must be really confused now by the fact the indecisive winter cannot make up it's mind to go away or to give a last few blast...really...I am confuse too...when i thought spring is coming....i heard the weatherman on TV said that "winter has not been more prominent than now..."...so what now?...I can't believe it is still bloody winter now..!!!!

030305

Out-dated old woman...

25 years and few days old....I feel even older and out-dated when i was browsing through the blogs...past by this even though not very visually stunning blog...but is amazed by the music background..and moving "texted" cursor...with today's date swirling around whenever i move my cursor...I noe it is nothing new...and probably something you can download for free online....but ..something that I am really not very familiar with...and on top of that...it was a 12 year old's blog...12 year old...younger than my age divided by 2....so...is it too late I am doing things like this now...should i be born later than I should....?...although I dun regret...being born as I was...as if i have a choice...

030305

Ahhh...chooo!

Yah...I just sneezed...someone just misses me.


020305

Happy?...or pissed off...?

I am late today for the website making workshop...and guess wat...I am the first to arrive...and also the last. I happen to be the only one who is present for the workshop...and the workshop is cancelled....I am a bit happy by the fact that I suddenly has two hours of free time...but pissed off because...despite my attendance which i suspect I have been the only one who has the full attendance....the workshop did not go on....I wonder how will I ever learn this....I hate this...


020305

I am feeling fine.

Recently...i have been feeling fine. Fine as in fine. I managed to come out with yet another piece of artwork lately and was surprised that critics are good....though not many people really did see it.....wanted to get away with my silly working life...and is determine to end the working trauma after the easter break.

240205

Snow like hell....

snow like hell yesterday...a dramatic sight indeed....but was so beautiful that i actually dun mind the freezing temperature at all....so beautiful...so...disturb looking..i mean the snow...while people will usually expect snowing to be peaceful and calm..the snow is "frantic" yesterday....ahh...i like lor...i just like it.

230205

When the world is so big...

When the world is too big and life too short...it is sometimes hard for us to adjust to this fact especially when we are heading towards an end...every second....but then ...just as you thought that there are still plenty of life ahead...it can end suddenly. This is not a sucidal post i would like to assure everybody...just some thoughts after i watch the show "six feet under". People will die when it is time...

150205

Where are my references?

My tutor pressed me about my references.....and her logic is I can't be making things out of vacumm...there must be something that makes me want to do something....some souce of inspiration...what makes me make a decision for making my art work in the way i make it....there must be a reference.....er...excuse me...i dun understand. I felt like crying when i wanted to tell her...the motivation behind why i want to make such works is really becos of my realisation in my life...and i want to express it....must there be a reference for my realisation...i mean...i dun realise what other is realsing...i realise things myself....becos no one shares my life except myself.... So she gave an example that it can be literature...or music...or art...I am confused...becos i dun see and link to what i read and like...to the work i do....seriously. Th reason why i choose to use text or installation...is becos I am aware that it is a recognise form of art...and how am I aware of that...since long long ago...i read a lot of magazine and know that installation is a form of art. Do I have to reference that and say why i choose to make installation...? Then does painters have to justify why they paint? Maybe I should have inform them I used to be a ballet dancer...e-hu performer, scriptwriter, actress...painter...sculptress....poet...writer....before i tell them I choose to use installation as an expression...than do i have to explain to them...i am also a very emotional person....so..it makes me see things like how i see them...then I told her about this website that i like a lot....obviously she dun noe about the website...and so...who shall i reference....from the first person that inflence me....i cannot imagine what she will thing if i tell her...i like paul klee....and then i like Mark Rothko...then i like Eva Hesse, and Nara Yoshitomo...then I will tell her...I like www.nobodyhere.com....and books written by Jimmy, a taiwan illustrator...then i like Wong Kar wai's movie...and The French Movie Amelie.....i wonder if that helps to shape things....but i suspect they know none of them...so why am I mentioning these?...and so....I dun noe if this is even logical in the first place to state them as my reference....and maybe....everything I see makes an impression...and they turn out to be what they are like today...do I have to include my diving experiences...as well as...my travelling....i really dun noe...the reasons for why i am doing what I am doing right now...is becos I thought that is the thing I want to do ...and that is it...if i am researching into things now...trying to back myself up for what i did...then that is not what influence me....but what I thought might have influence me...after my work is done and i go reserch for a reference...then in that case....that will not be my reference in the end...if you know what i mean...some of the work...which i tot is interetsting and i find similarity...are not the works that i actually refered to when i did my work...and how can i say they are my reference when i only know about them when i finish my work.....i really dun noe what to say....I just hate to address this issue...SERIOUSLY....I HATE IT!...and I am angry.

Chinese New Year...

Today is the first day of chinese new year....and everything is suppose to be happy and bright....supposed to be...

yah...and hopefully it will be.


090205

Weeping Willow...

I am in tears again....this time while chatting with my brothers.....knowing the condition of my family is getting from bad to worse only means I have to work harder. But somehow...I realise when times are too good...I am rather unproductive in my artwork...maybe the bad times is a good thing....which also means I might go home sooner than expected....becos i dun want to travel with the money any more how can I when my whole family is in such heavy debts....good and bad...Hopefully....someone will buy our house and solve everything!
But that would mean....I will have no "home" to go back to by the time I graduate....they are going to live in Thailand after selling the house...with my brother in ChiengMai...
what am I supose to wish for now....to strike the lottery?

030205

Aging...

I feel old lately...flabby arms....sagging thigh muscles...wrinkling face...droopy breast ....everything seems old in me....weakening heart...what an old lady.

No offence.

I was browsing other people's blog and felt the urge to comment.....i am not that kind of people who say nice words when i dun want to....I just say what i want to say...hence...i probably might have offence people in the process....in case any of you check me out because i say something that annoyed you in my comments about ur posting.....my apologies for being rude and incabaility to say something nice...and I promise next time...i will try to keep those comments to myself...if i can.

030205

Cherie Amour...

means dear love....ahh such a nice discovery for the day.

030205

My Cherie Amour

La la la la la la, la la la la la la

My cherie amour, lovely as a summer day
My cherie amour, distant as the milky way
My cherie amour, pretty little one that I adore
You’re the only girl my heart beats for
How I wish that you were mine

In a cafe or sometimes on a crowded street
I’ve been near you, but you never noticed me
My cherie amour, won’t you tell me how could you ignore
That behind that little smile I wore
How I wish that you were mine

La la la la la la, la la la la la la
La la la la la la, la la la la la la

Maybe someday, you’ll see my face among the crowd
Maybe someday, I’ll share your little distant cloud
Oh, cherie amour, pretty little one that I adore
You’re the only girl my heart beats for
How I wish that you were mine

La la la la la la, la la la la la la
La la la la la la, la la la la la la


Stevie Wonder

( I heard this song on several occassion...and like it a lot....did a fruitless search online and my friend found the song title, the artist and the lyrics in less than 30 second....thanks pal!)

030205

"Green tea keeps you going"

Says an aritcle...."Green tea could become the drug of choice for atheletes, now that green tea extract (GTE) has been shown to help boost endurance. Drinking four cups a day could help peopel to do nearly 25% more excercise before exhaustion sets in, according to a paper in an American Physiological Society journal."..

I realise this long ago...and drink up to at least 4 cups of green tea...when I am struggling with projects and had to stayed overnight....it always keeps me awake for at least 30 hours.......the power to keep awake...can you imagine...!

030205

More than coincidence...

Just last week...my landlord James ask me if I am fine with what is going on the apartment...and i say I am ok....he give me that "really?!" look....and yes...i am really ok...and he said "tough girl!"....I am puzzled...what did I have to endure I wonder for him to say that....the water heaters in the bathroom is working my room is warm...electrical appliance is working...water is suppying fine...lightbulb shines.......neighbours might be noisy but dun really hear them when the door is close....and .i couldn't be bother about what is going on wih my neighbours...and their activities...in fact I have got absolutely no idea what is going on....like i care... dun have the time....so...maybe I am really missing something that is going on out there...I wonder what is it that James is refering to that might have bothered me....the only thing...however that did bothers me...is this.

If it is once or twice...I will call it coincidence....afterall, more than five of us share this facilities...but it happens at least 3 times a day, in fact almost everytime...since Monday...and it PISSED ME OFF!...That is...someone is hogging the bathroom!!!! or maybe this person just had the same freqency as me in terms of visiting the loo...3 to 4 times a day!!?!....everytime I grab my toilet rolls and head for the loo....the door is closed...must be the same person...i suspect always the same person...and must be a guy...becos the toilet seats are up...or...windows are open (probably smoking and shitting at the same time), why dun he bring the newspaper along...., thanks a lot....and it hits me like a car on the road every time i saw the already ocuppied loo.....excuse me, it is winter now.....too much bladder control is really not somthing healthy....arrgh....of cos...he din always win...i did happen to be quicker for a few instance and manage to get the "seat" first...but...rate is only 2 out of 10, when i actually heard someone pacing outside the toilet and gone back the room.....and the other 8 times....i have to wait! ...This is really my only complain about my accommodation...the other things like...din really bother me much...

030205

It's gonna be another day in the sunshine...

Glasgow has been acting weirdly of late...i mean the weather...it is incredibly sunny....so good that the weather report lady on the news actually said this...."Glasgow is the only place in UK with lots of sunshine now...in fact..7 hours of it for the whole day"....considering that it is winter now...it only means...the sun really shines...and it has been sunny since...monday...or maybe earlier...saturday?...watever...it has been too sunny.....but temperature actually drops...becos of the lost of clouds in the sky....hence...freezingly sunny?...get it?....ahh....this kind of weather ...

020205

Smile...

Smiling isn't suppose to be difficult...but to me...it is actually tedious to even move my face muscle to create a superficial curve on my face that looks like a smile....how pathetic.

280105

Something happy...

Yesterday...I met an unexpected friend...who is actually a friend's friend whom we had dinner together in a dinner party almost a year ago....i forget his name but i remember his face...he is the dentist guy who study in glasgow and i thoght he graduted and went back to singapore last year...which is why i am surprise to see him...he came to the restarant i worked in for dinner...ahh...this restarant i worked in seems to be a place where i meet a lot of friends...anyway...yah...this dentist friend...he is now working here in glasgow...after he graduate....and i like the thought of it...not as if we are very good friends...as we really hardly know each other really...just like the idea that someone is there....though i also met a lot of singaporean people in the restaurant i worked in....the rest are horrible.
So yah...quite happy to see him, really.

270105

Difficult Task

One.

Wake up in the morning. This is really difficult..and is not easy since I was kid which explains why i am always late for school. Recently, it has become more difficult when I have to work so late.

Two.

Sleep early...working late is already problematic...and yet..i cannot sleep the moment i reach home...I somehow need time to chilled out for a few hours before i can sleep...which will be 5am by the time i am ready for bed...not helpful when i have to wake up at 8.30am in the morning.

Three.

Do my art...extremely difficult. Without money and time...everything becomes almost impossible. I dun even want to talk about it. But had to face it. How can I find art making difficult...I never did.

270105

This Time of the Year...

As i was walking home alone in the middle of the night at 12am yesterday....i suddenly stopped...becos my tears are falling...and then it started to stream...the warm tears chilled out as it slide down my face...and makes it neccessary to wipe away from my face becos it will make my face freeze when the wind blows on the wet skin....
This is the time fo the year where I will become very weak and weepy....the depression state..which is very normal in my working cycle...becos i sort of enjoy this despression occasionally....however it is not doing any good to solve my situation...and i hate this... only makes me feel useless anmd helpless which i dun like the tot of it.
Finally, I have made up my mind NOT TO STUDY MFA after my BA...as if i have a chance to get the offer...i cannot even be sure if my results are good enuff to do MFA in the first place...the studying part is really killing my passion for art practice...the more i spend my money on school fees...the more i hate myself for choosing this path. What am I doing.
270105

The Truth About Being An Artist

This is all an illusion. The truth about being an artist is really not what people think. Especially when freedom is concern, a poor artist do not have any priviledge to the so called freedom everybody thought we have. Of course, we need to have the same definition of what freedom is...in this case freedom is not to worry about having a roof over the head, have no problems paying bills and do watever they like. I hope that is simple enough. But even this basic requirement is almost too hard to achieve... My only regret now is to study overseas....not that the experience is not beneficial....but the amount of time spend on earning school fees is ridiculous...and i wonder if i am really studying here....so what is the point...i really do not know. And after this...is probably a life of writing proposal...for fundings....making art is not a cheap hobby....maybe being an artist is really not what i want....i guess...if i dun want anything...life will be easy...easier i mean. But since i have started it...I got to finish it.

270105

Spilt personality....

yah...the two fo me is working hand in hand again...as the pissed off version of me is typing my frustration in my blog....the happy-natured version of me is chatting happily with liwei at the same time...it might sound freaky but...it just happen....i weep and type "haha"online..when neccessary....somehow...i manage to do it.

I am not usually that weepy.

I was in tears when i had the assessment feedback today, perhaps it is the not so good results i have for this term...which is not really the reason why...part of it definitely is the spark for the flooding of tears... it started with .... the part where my tutor remarks about the not sufficient evidence of research and critical awareness of contemporary art practice. There is a difference between you dun know and you dun show. Like doing problem sums in mathematics....you dun get marks for not showing your workings. that is my problem. ...while this problem leads me to another problem....producing the research evidence...which....leads to another topic....MONEY! A good research portfolio is backed up by money...printing of stuff in the library needs moeny....developing photos need money.....even buying a folder needs money. which i wonder how i should do it...given the fact that i cannot even afford tospent £1 on 4 rolls of toilet papers....i actually already spent £6.38 last week just to develop photos for docunmentation of my work....which is like 4 weeks of my daily expenses....i cannot imagine how much a research folder will cost me....i dun want to think....everything is in pounds and penny now in my head....like NEO in the matrix....zeros and ones....you start to see the codes of things....of cos...another problem is time....i have to work to pay for my fees...or else i cannot continue...but working will give me less ime to do my school stuff...and in terms harms my art practice...but then again...if i am going to work less...how on earth will i have money to even print a piece of paper from the library...everything cost money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!than all the problems start to flodd my head.....and the fustration of things get over me...especially when i talk about my phobia in technology....it is actually the frustartion for working in school within limited time....which is not very accomodative.....to my work time...money money money...it all goes down to one thing....money.
i just kept weeping and weeping and weeping as my lecturers continue to finish reading the comments on the assessemnt feedback....while i made some sobby weepy respond which i can hardly heard myself.....and i told them i am just frustrated with the technical disability i had with computers which i lied....i actually wanted to tell them...i dun have money to print things. They will not believe me if i say this. Then when my tutors ask me if i have got any other problem other school work....i just tell them frankly...financial problem....yah...i hope they get it.

The feedback session ended with a huge tension in the end...i know they tried to console me...but i just kept weeping and weeping...eyes and nose flooding....dun look nice though....i can't help it....

then i walk out of school thinking i should stop this since i have cried enough but i just kept on weeping non-stop...whioch at one point...a classmate spot me and say hi...without knowing i am in tears....i responded with a hi...and i guess he saw me crying...and i just hurriedly walk away.....i continued to cry and sob....on my way to the school library where i am now...and start to blog this.....just a while ago....i was on MSN with my brother and he told me that he can manage to send me my money by April...and i am really touch...and then....I weep again!

I can't stop crying since i started it.....i just kept crying.

By the way...i must have also scared liwei becos i was chatting with her "happily' while i am weeping and typing this post...scary...i know.

This guy.

Well folk!...this is probably what most of my friends out there are waiting for....some romantic happenings in my life...which is almost rare in my days here in Glasgow. The reason for it's inadequacy is unknown...athough i have sort of blame it on my unattractiveness...but then again....maybe it is just fate.

This guy I am going to talk about today...and like most of the other guy that i have talk about in my blog...which is...i have met him at least 3 times. Yeah....the trilogy thing....it seems to always happen in trilogies....just that...the sick thing is...it only has 3 part to it...and no more....like the Daniel guy i talk about with the flower sniffing incident if you have follow my posting...as well as the lightbulb guy who gave me a lightbulb....they just disappear somehow after i make a note about them...opps!...precisely what i am doing now....i just wonder how it is going ruin my fate by blogging it....like i care.


This guy, we met in EMA. EMA is the electronic media suite in my school. I was doing a video editing one afternoon and this guy....though he had been sitting right across me facing me....i din manage to notice him until...this...
The lab technician was telling some stupid joke while he was helping me save a file and ask for this guy's opinion and this guy just smile in repond probably out of politeness..while we exchange just a feel polite casual glances,,,and then,,,came a banch of people from the back door passing him a big hand-made paper hat saying "happy birthday"...and oh yah....it was his birthday, 21st january. The only think i notice about him for the whole event in the EMA was his checkered-shirt and olive green sweater....

Then i went to work....totally forget about the existence of this person.
While working in y restaurant....we have a telephone booking for 8 person tonight...and i wonder what crowd is coming....
then we met again....
i din recognise him....he says hi....
and i rememebr his green sweater.
It was the guy in EMA.
We had a pleasant smile at each other...and i told him not to tell anyone in school that i worked there....
he ask me what department i am in...
i serve him chinese tea.
before he left for the day....i ask him which department he is from....and end of part 2

This morning...wednesday...26th jan
we met again.
It was a website design workshop...and he was late.
I recognise him...and i heard the technician calling his name...oliver is his name.
he sat behind me.

we din talk...and left after the lecture....i was too shy to even say hi
End of story.

At this point....i regret not turning my head and say hi.

3 times we met and that is it....i promise if i met him again in school....i will say hi and smile at him!

Very Tired!

SnoW!

Yes!...Snow...! Record breaking 10 cm thick of snow in Glasgow....very rare occasion even for the locals....enjoy that night partcularly when i made a lot of footprints on the snow-covered ground...and made snow balls out of snow from eveywhere....remind me of ice kacang....nice weather...

180105

Canton-Style

Just imagine that kind of hong Kong style restaurant...selling roast pork and roast duck...yah...i worked in that kind of restaurant...cannot imagine.
I know I am not a very good waitress in many ways...but working in this restaurant shows all my flaws. The first problem is cantonese. I understand but i dun speak...only makes me a mute when I work with colleagues. Then I dun smile....I always smile...wherever i worked...but i din manage to smile here becos i can't talk much and dun blend in therefore...i dun felt like smiling....which is deadly in terms of my professional practice as a waitress....then...is my backgroud....i worked in too many kinds of restaurant before...too many styles in my head....japanese...western...hong kong style...???....while the westerners think that stacking up plate in front of them when you clear plates is rude...they do it here in chinese style...where they pour all the soups and sauce in front of you in the bigeest bowl....before they remove it from your sight....then....i dun usually talk to customers....unless very occassional chat....but they are very traditional hong kong style...they expect a bit of chatting...i can't...especially in cantonese....if you know what i mean. And then they want you to be fast....i can be fast if i know what i am going to do...but then...fast is not my style.

Very hard...a job that I feel I am not good enuff.

190105

Am I happy?

To tell the truth, I am not unhappy.
But that doesn't mean I am happy.

Scottish TV

Browsing thru the TV schedule for today is an absolute disappointment...
I remember a friend told me before...nobody stays at home to watch TV on friday...i think...there are reasons for this...anyway...if that is the case...i better find something to do tonight.

140105

Inspiring....

The lectures that i am having for this 2 days is bloody inspiring i would say...too inspiring that i am changing plans about my future again....of cos as usual...i always change my mind....or to be exact...i never make up my mind in the first place....

Whichever....i am happy.

130105

Stiff neck

i have this weird stiff neck for the whole day....since this morning...i guess is the pillow....or the posistion i sleep in....irritating....felt like having some good massage....ahhh....but in this case...i can only afford to have a few medicated plaster (yahui send me) plastered on my shoulders and neck.....good enuff.

130105

Weather reports two day after the storm....

Clear beautiful sky with the most graceful moon...sharp, curve and fine.
Totally mersmerising....
But...absolutely freezing.

131005

Weather reports...

Horrible strong winds...at the speed of 124mph swept across scotland just 2 days ago....
which i had to cling onto road railings to prevent myself from being blown away....
trash flying about at great speed..get hit a million times by tiny cubes of frozen raindrops....blown on my face..as i brave through the stormy weather to walk home...hands numb....and face numb after the million hits...
all this just becos i want to save 85 pence not to take a bus.
Of cos...if i know this is going to be so bad...i would have take a bus...

i wonder what is next at this rate...i was told, this is not the worst of the winter yet...

what can be worst...i dun want to imagine.

130105

Listen to my advice

Never ever do anything to help people if you are unwilling.
If you are unwilling....dun do it!

Too miserable a weather....

Too miserable to do anything.
How can anyone live in this kind of weather.....
Kill me.


100105

Realise...

Always reject people when you are not willing.
Don't do something out of kindness as people will never appreciate that in the end.

080104

lost connection....

I have been offline lately until today....it was...actually a relief though I lost connect with almost everybody....maybe I just need that kind of isolation occassionally.

Something not so nice...

I have been having a thought about something I thought is not very nice....
And this in turns cause me mishap....such as...being splash water by bus driving past and losing my purse....(which I found later)...and etc....but...I have decide to take action of what I have been thinking. Not something evil...just that I suspect I have been taken advantage of by a friend and I want her to pay back!...I dun see anything wrong to that though....just suspect I might lost a friend...if I want her to pay back the money....a friend whom has been taking advantage of my kindness and it is not worth it.

Ohhh...

Utterly in love with this man.
Viggo Mortensen....aka Aragorn, son of arathorn.
How can any women not love him.
If you know what I mean.

281204

I only got to know about the Tsunami wave yesterday..

My friend told me about it....doesn't sound so serious until my mum call me just now....it was the headlines here as well...It makes me start to wonder if I am pursuing a wrong thing here....if the wrong is coming to an end....
But then....singapore is really lucky...

Too lucky.

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opps...

I didn't work and work as usual like I would...I had a 2 days holiday at home watching Lord of the ring DVD....plus Hotelier...korean drama...never been as peaceful and happy since I have arrive...

Merry christmas to everybody.

281204

So many tears I cried....

I cried and cried while I was watching a movie yesterday night....
The movie, Together with you. By Chen Kaige.
SUPER INSPIRING!

setting up... 

About honesty...

It "pays" to be honest.
This happen to me today. The school registra got mix up and send me a cheque for my scholarship and on top of it deduct my fees. Which means I am double paid....While I am delighted with their mixed up...I am guilty. So, I pop by the finance dept and told them about it. They were at a lost as to realise a discrepency of £2000 which is S$6000, and dun noe how to dealt with it immediately, they ask me to come back tomoro. I regretimmediately.I shouldn't have pop by...becos from the way they are flipping thru pages and searching for records...they clearly dun noe what is going on....and even if I eventually graduate....they might probably thought I have settle my fess and pay me extra for scholarship....and this is my lesson today. But then, It is not a too bad thing, becos I should feel proud to be honest though it "pays".

141204

This christmas...

I am going to work, work and work.

This friend again

A friend of mine and I have not seen him for more than a year. He always has been an enlightenment for me almost each time we talk and this is still the case when I met up with him today. He is always very positive and always remind me of something, a thought or things I wanted to and should do...but forget to do because of reality, the thing that makes people forget that they should be dreaming. I am happy simply because he wake me up from reality and bring me back to my dream. It is my dream that I wanted to live in, not reality. Today, he reminded me. 3 things that he said today wake me up. One, NEVER BE A COMPLAIN ARTIST. I never complain, but I know I am not happy with things and I JUST LEAVE THINGS AS IT IS, AND DID NOT EVEN ATTEMPT TO RESOLVE THEM, I just leave it. This is as bad as a complain artist even if I didn’t really complain. Two, JUST DO IT!....dun have to care what the others are doing or not doing, dun have to care about the environment and whatever shit is going on how bad the art has become....dun care, heck care just do what you want to do and that’s it, that simple....dun have to complicate things, and learn to be grateful to all the fundings that are still coming in. That should be the way, I used to be like that, and I absolutely forget about that. Three, a quote from Guo Bao Kun, 艺术仅次于生命. And that is it. That is the most important thing in my life which I sort of forget it along the way and he reminded me. Art comes after life. Life is the most important aspect and then my art. If I dun have a life, I won’t have art. And all this, he reminded me. Finally, my life, enough of reality, and it is time now to go back to my dreams.

131203

Go do something beautiful please...

Do something beautiful.
I like this expression...
Sleep is beautiful....eat is....love is......


101204

I lied

I lied.
I told everyone I am 25, which I am not.
I am going to be though in a few months time.
I did it unconsciously at first when people start asking me how old I am.
It was all about the “rounding-off” habit I have with time.
23, 24 or 25 all means 25.
Hopefully, strategically 26 and 27 is also 25.
But then...28, 29 and 30 would sadly means 30.
you know what I mean....
Then it was about getting use to time.
It all happens when I became 22.
My 22 was like in a trance.
Until now, I still couldn’t figure out how I spent it...but nevertheless it was spent.
Then 23...just come and go.
24.....I am actually 24 now...but I tell people I am 25 already.
Which means...my 24 is gone.
This is really an attempt to prepare myself for the fact that I am going to be 25 soon.
And...anyway, who cares if I am 24 or 25, I really see no difference.
Though I know there is.

101204

This friend

I thought I kind of like this friend of mine and I would still like to address why I like him. I like him because he is very DIFFERENT from me! A lot of things. In terms of believe, and way of seeing things....although there are things we have in common, we have a lot of conflicting thoughts. the fact that he is different show me what I am. So many things. And he is the only few guys I really felt comfortable walking side by side with. He is also the only few who will give me very harsh critic, and very frank ones becos he says he has got a very high expectation of me. He is inspiring at times and show me light occasionally. I like this friend of mine, though I wont say he is a soulmate. He is someone I can talk to frankly.

Fingered-tied

I've got millions to say a few days ago....now...i am mentally blocked and fingered-tied t type....totally forget what I want to say...horrible.

Ever since i come back from London...I realise a lot of things...

UK is the TOMB for ART...especially London.
It is about making big money.
Nothing to do with passion...or maybe passion for money.

That is the commercial side of it.

All become tasteless and boring.

I am determine to finish my course and GET OUT OF IT!

ZHE LI DE YI SHU YUAN LAI YI DIAN DOU BU XIAO SA .

and so...forget it.

Sayonara.

About London...

I HATE IT!
DUN LIKE THIS PLACE....ABSOLUTELY HATE IT!
THOUGH THE SHOPPING IS NICE....I WILL NEVER CHOOSE TO STAY HERE...
MAKES ME CLAUSTROPHOBIC!

Tired....

I am tired...

New girl...me?

You have no idea how many people I have work with in this restaurant since the day it opens....I was told by the head chef who is bonded by the boss....that 8 staff was “chase away” by the boss for the first week....and..subsequently...since I start working in this restaurant....I lost count of how many colleagues come and go...I make a lot of friends though...but they just left....I will try to name a few whom I still remember their names...while the rest...at least a dozen of them...when I say a dozen...i really mean a dozen...(at least 12 or more) they left even before I got time to ask their names...and at least 5 or 6 left after my boss ask me to pay them a horribly miserable sum of money....
The first few colleagues are Kelly who left...and she still calls me occassionaly...Amy..left to study never see her again...Jenny..went back to Malaysia.....Ken left for another restaraunt....Nicole works in Ayr now....Ah Juan...found another job...Ah mun went to London and back to Malaysia...Leo left for Manchester...Daisy left recently..Ah Zheng went to London....Ah fei found another job...Ah yan jie in London.....there are 2 Ah qing...one married the chef and stop working..anonther left....in between...they are Rina...whom I have not work with....but I know her becos Nicole tell me a lot about her...A Maggie...whom I saw only once...the girl with a pair of thick glasses becos the boss think she cannot see....Xiao mei who left last week....Ah rui...who worked for 3 days...Steven...one of my first few colleagues., one Malysian guy whom I thought is a malay but is a Chinese but I forget his name...another Malaysian , another Jenny...a shy girl...., another a girl whom I gave her a mint before she left the restaurant.., Ah shan...whom the boss suspect steal her money...another girl..quite pretty and the kitchen staff loves her but didn’t stay for long and never come back...a guy who worked for 5 hours and sent home by the boss....and numerous (more than 20..and I am not exarggerating)who came for a work trial..of 2 hours and left,,,whom I never get to see but get to hear about them from all my colleagues........about how they are being scruntinise by my boss...and as usual...my boss will tell them...to go home and wait for her to call....which she never do....
So according to my above statistic...there should be at least 40 people who had worked in this restaurant ...including the 2 hours ones....50(or more) people left...in 11 mth...makes roughly 5 a month..which means 1 every 6 days....sigh...and this figures EXCLUDE the kitchen staff...people like Ah Ming shifu...another Ah min ge..Ah qiu, Jin Mao,..Ah bin...another guy who always call me jie guo jie jie...numerous dish washing guy...I couldn’t be bother even to find out their names nowadays...who knows how long they will stay.....I lost count but I bet there are more than 20 kitchen staffs who left.....
The biggest joke of all one day...after my 3 days off....and I went back to work...a new Kitchen dish-washing girl saw me walking into the kitchen....and give me a “who is this new girl” look....she is only “3 day old” in the restaurant...and she actually already seen at least 4 new girl reporting to work and get sack....so when she saw me...she thought I was a new girl...and she told the chef... “look! Another new girl”....I was so amused...and the kitchen staff all burst out into laughter....yeah...I am new...I only work 11month for this boss...

Thru the looking glass...

Opps...if you are feeling lost and wonder why are you reading some stranger's blog...you are at the right place. It really freaks me out a bit to realise that more people is going to "see me naked"...by reading my thoughts...but then...who cares...I dun noe you and you dun noe me....enjoy!..and sorry if you find me boring..which I really am. How is the show by the way...i haven even seen the other works yet.

20/11/2004

Too much pride...

I hate to go to EMA...ABSOLUTELY HATE IT!
I WILL NEVER STEP INTO IT UNLESS I REALLY HAVE NO CHOICE..which I am always left with no choice and i hate it....I AM GOING TO STOP ALL MY DIGITAL INTENTION AND STOP DOING ANY VIDEO AND ONLINE STUFF IN IT.....I DUN WANT TO PRODUCE ANYTHING IN A PLACE I AM NOT COMFORTABLE TO STAY IN!...it all goes back to the same reason that I am NEVER comfortable among the people here...although I know..there are stuff I will eventually need to use EMA...but then EVRYTHING IS GOING TO BE REDUCE TO MINIMAL...no more website...no more video!

FINAL!
END OF STORY.

Oh yeah...that makes 2..

I am touched...that someone is reading..other than me.....that makes 2..or maybe 3...better than none...thanks...

The saddest...

I just check my online stats...to show that I only have 9 views...to my blog today...and that nine views...were done by only ONE unique vistors...who is..actually...MYSELF!...becos I have posted 9 posting...and each time I post...I view my blog...what an irony...that all this time...I am the only person reading and writing my own blog...maybe I should just go back to my pen and paper and write my good old papered..diary.....maybe...

151104

Analytical review of the Power struggle

I can feel the POWER STRUGGLE in the restaurant....since this Monday...everybody want to be somebody...and me...still me. It’s like I can feel thr rush...like I previously mentioned...but this rush has become nasty...at first...it was just the flow of nature...then it proceed to become the evil forces of power and strength...altogether..they are 5 full time staff on the floor now. Ah Lan, Ah Qing, Ah Yan, Ah May and Xiao Mei....names according to their status... me the part-time staff who ironically is the IN-Charge when the boss is not around.

My job, is to stand at the front line to whoever comes in the restaurant and bring them or allocates sittings....take drink orders....be responsible of all money transaction at the cashier. To be the bartender occasionally, clear plates, fold napkins....Plus doing PR with customers dealing with customers complains and request...taking phone calls for reservations and make stock orders for the chef....

Ah Lan being the longest staying staff after me is made the next potential successor of being the IN-CHARGE in the restaurant...however, that will not be possible becos she dun speak English and cannot communicate well with customers...however...she is smart and willing to learn and hardworking...and the boss like her...she is now in charge of the bar and all the stock ordering for drinks....and she will look out also for the girls in charge of the buffet food...as she is previously in charge of that....if Ah Lan can speak English well....she would be the best person to be the restaurant manager...even better than me....

Ah Qing, very capable as well in terms of running the floor as servers and plate-clearing is able to run the floor without problem taking drinks order and allocate seats( which Ah Lan is also capable of)....often can clear an average of more than 10 plates per round....is as willing to learn as Ah Lan though not as smart...she is hardworking as well...unfortunately like Ah LAn...Ah Qing dun speak English....and she is not as familiar with the bar...but learning to work the tile....

Ah Yan...very sweet girl...hardworking as well and very helpful....also equally eager to learn like the rest of the girls...however she is in charge of the buffet station and sometimes the floor to help clear plate and take drink orders....so not speak English like the rest of the girls....

Ah May...the black horse. That might change the whole situation in the restaurant...becos she speak a little English , from Malaysia. Although she is a new comer and her main job are all side jobs such as polishing cutleries and fold napkins and refill salt and pepper...and also to help take drinks clear plates...becos she is new...she is suppose to know how to do everything before she cam learn other staff...but she skip the part where she have to undergo bar training and she is doing some of the tile....becos she speaks English. And that is HER ASSET!...so in the end...she might be the best candidates in the boss eye to be the NEXT successor of being the manager after Nicole and Daisy left...as for me...the part time...I AM FOREVER ONLY A PART-TIME...so whoever can be in charge is a good news to me...and I can do less things....

Xiao mei, who used to be kitchen staff...doing the dishes is PROMOTED to be incharge of the buffet.....with Ah Yan and mentor..Ah Lan and Ah Qing used to run the buffet but now get promoted to run the floor....

And so...everybody seem to be in the right place at a glance but with the empty post of “person-in-charge” still empty....all the position become sensitive and atmosphere changing......

The only thing that is still constant...is ME.

111104
( Just a few days after this blog was writen...I was told that Xiao-mei resign and left...sigh...I am not surprise.)

Over-prescribe?

A few weeks ago...i went for an eye test...my optician told me my spec was over-prescribe. And so...I have been looking with an over-prescibe lenses...which means I have been looking more clearly?...or seeing things clearer than I should?....lol...my optician say..it is forcing my eye to work harder....then it should..straining it....in actual fact, I believe there is only one point where it was the clearest...and any other points will be blur...But why is my over-prescribe lens VERY Clear to me...my optician’s reply was becos ...my eye had get used to the over-prescribe condition....which means...my eyesight has become well adapt and worse becos of my over-prescribe spec...and how would he know?.. .if my eye-sight has become worse..that would mean my spec is just right for me and would not be over-prescribe....ahh...all too confusing....but one definitely conclusion from him...is to get a new spec...whahaha.....must be one of his marketing skill to make people make new specs...but I would say...his eye test is really professional....according to him...he needs to get a degree to be a professional optician.....ok...ok...I get that....and I feel it myself...I need a new spec...which I cannot afford...so forget it...I shall live with my over-prescribe spec as long as my eye can take it.


121104

Shut up!...and go write your essay...!

10 days to deadlines...which I actually have less than 10 days...becos out of that 10 days...I had to go to school...go to work...attend a seminar in edinburgh and start to be a tour guide from the 20th onwards...which means...I have 6 or less day...or...5 days...or 4 days...or 3....or...NONE!.....WHAT THE F**K!..I am scaring myself....shut up and go back to the essay...you a**hole!

141104
(Notice that all my blogs are written on the 141104...which means I am writing so much of something...but not what I am supposed to be writing...)

XX vs XY

Suddenly...i feel puzzled...by the obsession of women making themselves pretty. The roles change totally...between a male and female....while you thought dolling ourselves up is a female instinct...that is not the case for the animal kingdom...who are suppose to be more primitive than us...in another words....dressing up...should be a male instinct rather than a female. Look at David Beckham....the perfect male species with the right instinct. And what’s wrong with women?....do we have to dress ourselves up to attract males in the first place. I thought they are suppose to be attractive to attract our attention so that we will choose them as father of our child... Or rather...they should be attractive enough for us to choose them, to be exact their sperms for our eggs.....that is how nature function isn’t it? Look at the rooster and hen....Roosters had to do a lot of work to make themselves attractive apart from the crown on their heads...they had to be the ones to wake up before everybody....Look at the peacocks.....spread their tails and seduce the ladies....and so on and on.......
In genetic term....sorry to embarrass myself if my facts are not accurates....but according to what I know....the genes of a female is XX and male is XY...in another words to a simpler understanding....a female is double female...and a male is half female and half male......and on top of this bad news to all the males out there.... genetically YY is impossible...hence there is no such things as PURE MALE....which means...a women is PURE WOMEN...and MEN are impure women with Y deficiency......sorry guys out there if this spoils your mood...BUT IT IS A FACT!...before I stray away and lost my initial point of my amusement about why women are obsess about dolling themselves up becos it is not required in nature sense for us to do so....it is perfectly normal to occasionally dress up to assure ourselves of our own beings....just to make ourselves happy....and not for the guys benefit.....and for me... I hate to dress up.....I am too lazy....although I occasionally did.


141104

Deadlines...

I have a feeling I am going to be very happy by 24th Nov....that is the day where one of my biggest agony so far comes to an end....the deadline of my essay...good or bad...i have to hand in.

141104

LoVe-HaTe...RelAtiOnSHiP

There is always this love-heat relationship between me and winter. Although our relationship only started last year. Hate it for the simple reason of making me feeling cold. Feeling cold which associate with the fact that I am not well protected?...from the cold?....makes people feel lethargic and lazy...makes people hungry ...slows down everything......Love it....for the very same reason....and on top of it...it gives me the biggest excuse to eat as much as I like...and not feeling guilty...as I will tell myself...it is ok...becos I am feeling cold and my body need me to eat more so that it can burn more fats to keep myself warm...how can I not love winter for this very reason...even if that is the only reason which is not.

141104

Eat eat eat...

I have been fueling myself with food for the whole day...but it never seems to be enough...my body must be working very hard now....becos it is burning a lot of fat to keep myself warm...no wonder I keep feeling very tired.


141104

Deep in thoughts...of thinking

As usual, in the mids of urgent rush and deadlines...I write more junks than the actual essay....junks such as this. ...at 3.24am. This is not unusual...as I like to be distracted by my own thoughts. I like the idea that thoughts take over my rational. I like the way I think suddenly when I am suppose to be in deep concentration. This is me. Confusing...

141104

A book review...

Reading Sadie Plant’s Zero+Ones...I would say...I feel proud to be a women. This posting is intented to be a book review by the way. For ladies...please go and read this book...for ladies who are technophobic....please go and read this book...for ladies who are technogeek...please go and read this book...for ladies who hate computers...please go and read this book......as for the men...which I almost forget....PLEASE also go and read this book...to realise what is really going on.....And we women are THE ONES!.... bottom line......PLEASE GO AND READ IT!

141104

Yet another weather report...

It is strange that weather can change in a matter of seconds. But it is not suppose to be strange if it happens in Glagsow.

141104

Cold Toes...

My toes are feeling cold at this very instant....3.30am...14th Nov...2004...and by the way, my fingers too.

Me...A cyborg?

I was amused by myself just now while I was testing my typing skill...i suspect I can type my words without looking at the key board...or maybe not...but I can type without looking at half of my keyboard....and imagine the position of some letters without actually seeing it. This is what I call the fusion of mechanical tools with human intelligent...or maybe not so much of intelligence but adaptability. While I am getting used to this way of expressing....I need to further fuse the position of the letters in my visual memory like I know where I keep all my vocab in my brian ....although my typing speed is nothing to be proud of compare to many...but is already something proud enuff...compare to myself one year ago. Last year, I remember I can only type with 2 fingers one at a time....now...with both hands...ten fingers...this is what Donna Haraway meant by...being a cyborg. I can feel myself cybrogizing with my new ability to hypertexting my thoughts and express them in letters.... As if I am NEO...in Matrix...I am beginning to see it....the zeros and ones...the binaries among the flesh and skin. Suddenly it all become scary....


141104

Green Tea overdose

I have never heard of Green tea-overdose...but here I am...feeding myself cups and cups of green tea to let myself stay awake. It was suppose to be one of my secret weapons to stay awake at night to do overnight work....but nowadays...I am losing my grip...and I am suffering from green tea overdose symdrome of feeling sleepy despite after drinking many cups of it...but whenever I have decided to go to sleep and wave my white flag ...I cant sleep...what is this?....is this some kind of joke....what is preventing me from working?...I know what...It got to do with the deadline...it was still one week away...not close enough to drive me crazy....but that is not the point....I dun want to do it sooo rush that I dun have time to make admendment...I want it to be done before the deadline...and make changes....! I hate this...but I just have to live with it....this is me...

141104

BAd situation...

Today, I was depressed for half an hour at work. Becos I did not handle a situation well enuff. 2 groups of people, a group of 6 and a group of 12....the 6s came in first and I gave them the big seats....but turn out that the 12 who came in din have the big seats.....the BAD situation occurs when first, was a miss communication. AH lan my colleague who doesn’t understand English do not understand what the 12s want unknowingly allows them to alter the restaurant sitting formation to join the tables....when realise something was not right, she runs to me and tell me....I step in and stop them....and look rather unhappy with them...that was when my colleague say she dun noe why they are moving the tables. And it was impolite to anyhow move restaurant formation without informing person in charge....but...the 12 says that they told my colleague and she say ok....I know it was all a miscommunication and nobody is at fault, becos she dun understand what they are saying. They apologise becos they say how cross I looked when I see they reshuffle all the tables and as we know it was a miscommunication....I told them I will try to find them somewhere to fit 12 of them in a line....meanwhile the big group of 6....I decided to request them to shift and “give way”....but then...it will be impolite to move people in the middle of their meal....which I am stuck.....I ask them politely...and they jokingly ask if they can get a discount....I told them I am not the boss and cannot decide on such things...but seriously I would give them a round of drinks if I am the boss. I told them the round of drinks is pay a day....and I cant do that....I apologise even though I know they are joking....and says forget it....and let they continue to stay on the big seats....while I was thinking of any possibilities of joining tables to make up a 12 seaters.....suddenly....the 6 guys pick up their plates and beer glasses....and started to change over to the other seats....I am touched.....I went to thank them but I apologise again saying I wont be able to give them any discount.....along the way...the guys ordered a few rounds of drinks and ask me the if they get rounds of free drinks and I rejected them politely. Especially when my boss is back...then....at the very end...their last round of drinks...I hold the order and put it in my pocket....I gave them a round of last drinks....which is about a 10% discount....WITHOUT MY BOSS KNOWING IT!..They paid without knowing that I gave them a free round and only left me a 40 pence tip.......I went to their table back facing my boss and whisper to the guys that the last round of drinks is on the house and sorry about moving them around.....they look confuse and ask me again as they thought I am buying them drinks....and I told them is ON THE HOUSE and NOT ON ME....which means I treat them free drink without my boss knowing....we gave one another smiles and nods....and they thank me........2 minutes later...a guy from the 6 come to me and gave me a £5 tip. They left and I smile and thank them and full of apology....

I am depress with this incident becos I feel bad when customers are not happy. Feel bad towards the 12 people...becos of the miscommunication....and I should have find out more before I look a bit angry with them and stop them.....I really feel bad and hope I did not spoil their celebration....and with that 6 guys...I hope I have more authorities in the future to gave customers rounds of drinks or discount when unpleasant situation occurs.....becos it is too silly to do things behind my boss back which is CORRECT!....and I hope I dun make their day feel weird, which they initially thought I am buying drinks for them with my own pay !.....and they probably feel bad....lol....

I like being a waitress....it makes me happy when people are happy....that is why I am depress when I din manage to handle the situation smooth enough in time...though rectify in the end...but CAN BE BETTER...definitely.

However, about this job....I am beginning to feel the pressure. That everybody is pinning on me to do things. And pinning on me to cover up for them when they made a mistake. This is the case nowadays in the restaurant. And everybody wants to learn everything but I can only teach one at a time. It is of course easier for me to do it alone but someone has to learn it...and do my job when I am not around....and this is the part I am in a dilemma...if I teach one and dun teach another...I will be unfair...but teaching all will be confusing and confuse the running of the restaurant. People should have specific duty.....so that things are not done repeatedly...or nobody do something,.....it is like a vacuum, becos 3 staff quit their job last week and create a vacuum for people to to rush in and fill up the space....and the impact is ON ME....becos I am like the tunnel for the rushing in...becos whoever rush in...have to first pass thru me.....I get angry with them occasionally nowadays which I never do in the past....and I dun like this.

081104-091105

The AuRa...

Today is the day which my aura for romance is slightly higher than usual..... It begins from the bus stop where I waited for my bus....this uncle...was waiting for bus 9 and had been waiting for ages...and we began to talk casually...oh...then I realise he is the same uncle I saw a few days ago....and at the same time in the same bus stop....waiting for the same bus....this is what I will call fate. And so to both our amusement we started to chat. He is a Pakistan Tandoori chef and work in an Indian restaurant just across the street....and I jokingly ask if the restaurant is hiring....anyway...i told him I am studying and working...and blah blah....and he ask for my name and numbers....which of cos....I did not gave him. He offer to gave me his number...but I rejected him...becos I told him I will not call. I am just being frank.....but he was friendly.....he asked if I could take a walk with him along the street to the next bus stop which is just very near but I rejected again...partly becos it is not safe obviously walking off with a strange man I met only twice though he dun look like a baddie, but mainly because it was drizzling and my shoes are torn and absorbs rain. And so....to my relieve my bus eventually came and I wave goodbye with a smile....On my way back....from the bus stop to my house....I pass by the usual few mama shops along the street....went into the one where I had been yesterday where I try to collect my lottery winning...yesterday’s winning ticket was rejected becos I went in too late so I try again today...that same guy who was in the shop yesterday with the uncle at the mama shop and know about my winning was smiling at me....and I told him I brought my ticket today....he tried to process but my claim was rejected by the machine which all of us are puzzled about...I tried 3 times and failed to collect my winning.....but then...maybe this guy find me silly becos I look too happy just becos I win a £10...and he ask for my name...and where I am from.....we smile to each other and he told me to come in the morning to try again while I wave goodbye....and say I WILL BE BACK to collect my winning!...and so on the same day...2 pakistani at 2 different places ask for my name. I am beginning to wonder why I attract people from this region....isst becos of my hair....I really dun know....maybe I will ask the guy in the mama shop next time....or maybe...they are just being friendly...and I too sensitive. By the way, did I ever tell you guys I have a Pakistan ICQ friend who always say I am his Chinese princess....LOL...

Fallen...

The guy ask me what song it was....I though he was referring to George Michael’s Careless whisper....but it turn out to be something else. I am not surprised that people like this song, because this is one of my favourite. Whenever I introduce this song to people, it becomes someone’s favourite. Wendy loves this...and Yahui too. I remember hearing this song once in a Taxi...I was lost in a dream listening to it....I remember hearing this song somewhere some place, it always put a smile on me. I am so glad, that they love it. That guy and his group of friends. They say, they are musicians and they perform in Glasgow for one night only. They say this is a wonderful song and lovely music. I fully agree. This song, ladies and gentlemen....Fallen, Lauren Wood. From Pretty Women soundtrack..... ‘you are the one whose led me to the sun....how could I know, I would lost without you....I can’t believe it...you’re the dream coming true, I can’t believe how I have fallen for you....’

Gambler's word

Occassionally, I am tempted. To become a professional gambler. I though gambling is fun, if money is not involve....er....or maybe, it will not be fun anymore if money is not involved ....ah whatever....for me and the rest of the gamblers in the world....it will be it’s best when money is involve and winning....in whatever case, people will lose. This is the biggest irony. The saddest. The pain. However, things like lottery is a little different. It involves a little more. That is, ANTICIPATION. To hope for something or to be wishful is a very enjoyable emotion. At least, it makes people happy. To buy lottery is not only to buy a luck, but also to buy a moment of happiness. The moment which started from the point when you buy the lottery ticket to the point when you know the results. Even if you did not win in the end, you earn that moment of happiness. It is like spending a pound buying a bar of chocolate will rise your euphoria content in your body to make you happy, spending a pound buying a chance should give you the same bliss or more. So, to conclude, I would rather spend a pound buying lottery then to buy a bar of chocolate because first thing first, I hate chocolate which is besides the point, but most importantly judging from the after effect, a lottery ticket could give you a chance to buy as many bar of chocolates as you can ever eat and even if you dun win in the end would only mean a wee bit of disappointment that is nothing compare to a bar of chocolate which can make you FAT!

I am tempted. And so I bought the lottery last Saturday. Wishing and hoping to win the 10Million Birthday draw. I could see a 10 in my mind...and I can feel it sooo strongly. Indeed, in the end, I win....£10. Better than nothing. And you know what, I am with all smiles when I know I win, £10 is not only better than nothing, it is a happy thing. Even the India uncle in the mama shop can feel my joy, he is smiling too when he saw how happy I was when he told me 3 number out of 6 means I win £10.

Glasgow fireworks

To watch the fireworks alone is weird. Not the part about watching fireworks but the part about watching it alone is weird. Despite the fact that I am in the middle of 92 000 people in Glasgow Green, I felt more alone among the crowds than I am at home. At least one out of one people in my own room knows me which is myself. But among 92 000 people....it is the loneliest thing I have choosen to do since I arrive in Glasgow. However, watching fireworks is another issue. It was at the very moment when the fireworks started, that I throw the world behind me. It was then that the world is left with me, the sky, the sound and the fireworks. It was then that I am not alone. But right after the very last sparkle disappear....I am alone again, naturally.
051104

Numb sensation...

To feel numb is actually not to feel anything. Hence, numbness is a realisation not a sensation. It is concluded and not felt. This is exactly what has been happening to me lately. I have concluded that I had been numb lately. I feel nothing. I hate this kind of feeling or rather I hate the feeling that I cannot feel a thing. It is as if I am no longer living. But then to a certain extend I am grateful to this numbness as it takes away any kind of sensation which includes pain. Pain in the mind not my skin. Maybe I am suffering at this very moment which I do not know because I am too numb now to realise that, and I am thankful to that. It is as if I can control my mental nerves to stop working and make them stop sending signals to my brain telling me that I may be mentally in pain. But then, sorry to repeat, I hate this feeling that I cannot feel a thing. Without the pain would also mean without joy. Simply because, I am numb, remember? To not feel a thing would include not feel the joy as well. However, no joy does not necessary mean sadness. No joy only means no joy. Numbness is just nothing. I am beginning to wonder if this is the so-called enlightenment one can achieve. If that is the case, I hope I am not that enlightened yet. As for numbness, I shall blame the miserable weather for it, while I know it will go away. Finally, I would rather cry and suffer because I know love and happiness comes with it.

Too numb to feel the heart beats....

I have been heartless lately....or maybe it is simply too cold and numb for me to feel that my heart is still beating. Sometimes...i suspect i am heartless...especially when i keep telling people i dun really miss home.One thing for sure, I dun call home. I never have the habit to...but occassional upon request...I will make a short phone call phone to tell everybody i am fine. Today, i call home. As usual, we talk about the same thing.....the same people, same problem. But today, something is different. My mum told me she sprain her waist and had problem walking properly. Suddenly her voice sound different. Not as if her pitch chamge or she speak in a different language....but it was me. Her voice sound different, becos i suddenly realise my mum is getting old....just one year away from home...and she is old suddenly...well maybe not suddenly but I only realise it now...and this realisation almost make me cry....perhaps i have been too heartless to notice anything nowadays... perhaps...I am just being too self-centred to notice anything...perhaps...I am just numb...numb becos of the cold and miserable weather here....too numb to even feel my own heart beats...

The guy like sunshine...

Yah...that guy like sunshine. Yesterday i did a stupid thing...he ask me to join him and his friends for dinner....I agree...then...change my mind last minute...because i felt too akward to be around....reason being...the group only consist of his girlfriend and 2 other of his personal friend....and not the school mates i know....akward...so I kindly find a stupid reason to change my mind...and say that that place is too far away....and i dun want to go....stupid reason...I know...and i also noe...i should avoid falling in love with him at all cost.

I can feel it...

I can feel it...that kind of feeling....that you lost contact with everybody....and some of them....just disapppear in your life...maybe this is life...people will not be forever by ur side....people come and go....or maybe it is just a balance....some people come....some people go....and yes...i can feel that some friends in life is gone.....just gone....while for some...i am the one who left them.

Autumn is missing!

I know it is getting cold...especially when my hands still feels cold even after I stuff them into my pockets....and I know it feels cold...when I need to wear more than a T-shirt at home...I know it is cold...when I see more leaves on the walk way than on the trees...where have autumn gone...it should be autumn now...but it feels like winter already...autumn only lasted a week....

I smile...

I smile when I hear nice song....I love it...

It makes me think...

Someone said this....

Reading a book means thinking through others mind instead of our own.

To me, I think this statement also applys to watching a TV drama or movie....or maybe reading a blog...
That kind of detachment of oneself to become somebody else is relieving...not as if my life is in agony...just that it can be boring to always only be ourself...yah something like this...

This is one of those days....

The wind howls and brollies struggle ...all I can see is ground covered with fallen autumn leaves...and then...the rain...
The rain is not the most irritating thing but irritates when it comes with the wind...
The wind is not irritating as well but becomes nasty when it is cold...
The cold is not so bad but gets miserable when it rains....
The 3 of them in Glasgow...likes to come hand in hand..which sometimes makes Glasgow...
An irritating, nasty and misreable place to be in.
Other than that....each on it's own....the rain, the wind and the cold are quite a nice thing.

This is one of those days....
where I am wet and cold....and my brollies tries to fly away....
This is one of those days...which gives me a weird feeling of tranquility.

In the mood for words....

Suddenly...when I was reading one of my conversation with Yahui.....I was reminded that I was actually a bit attracted to this guy half a year ago....a guy from some other department... I dun want to mention his name because I suspect the chances of him reading my blog is very high....becos I am announcing my blog to the public soon....the idea of him existing somewhere in my mind is very “slippery”....it’s not like I am crazily infatuated with him.....or secrectly in love with him.. he will be occupying my mind for an instance whenever I see a smile from him...and after that....that’s it...he will not be always on my mind and I will not miss him. I will not look out for him when I am in school or stare at him unconsciously if he is around.....anyway...just nothing...BUT....there is one thing....I feel comfortable whenever I talk to him....he is a nice guy. And I can feel that he is listening when I am talking....like in one presentation...I can sense him listening....I can see from the look in his eye that he is attentive .....and most importantly...I feel comfortable when he is around.
I felt quite alien even until now when I attend school function like openings and lectures....it’s like....even though I already know some of the people, I felt awkward to talk to them....I felt awakward...simply walking around...is like...very alien and unwelcome....but at least when he is around sometimes...I will feel slightly just slightly...at ease....seriously....I dun have any special feelings for this guy....but I like him. You know...like....as in....just like...saying....I like the rainbow....suddenly out of the blue...you see it...and you feel happy...but then it’s either you have to go....or the rainbow....or maybe rainbow is not appropriate enough....becos rainbow actually excites me....perhaps....is like.....the sun in glasgow.....YAH!...that’s it....the sun....becos I never really particularly like the sun usually especially when I was in Singapore....but then....when the sun comes out occasionally in Glasgow...it’s makes you feel warm and comfortable.....might not be there all the time...and I will not miss it....but once it comes out....I can feel it.....and have to like it...becos it’s warm and friendly....that kind kind of feeling.

15/10/2004
2am

I am a DAMN LUCKY girl....today is my final tutorial.....and I am supposed to meet my tutor for a FINAL “SHOWDOWN” for my essay....but I decide to fall asleep yesterday night and not continue what I have not finish....I have my reasons though....because I have just got hold of a new book which is quite crucial to my essay and I intend to make some serious reconstruction...while I am a bit worried on my way to school about how I am going to explain to my tutor about my situation....she throw a ball to me instead...by telling me....she haven read my essay becos I am the last on her list and she din have time to even start reading it....WHAT?.....what kind of ghost luck am I having....I was smiling to myself when she told me this.........heaven is always sooo good to me....so we arrange for a make up tutorial....which gave me another week....meanwhile I told her about my NEW PLAN...and she agree to assess the possibility of an extension for my essay...LIFE is beautiful.....and things happen nicely to you...when you are sincerely cherishing every bit of it!....meanwhile....thanks to my tutor...she has been very encouraging about my research....and patient with my work attitude...because I am a very last minute person...she had been very accommodating.....thanks...
15/10/2004
3am


Today...I spend about less than a minute to decide to end my job in the Chinese buffet restaurant which I have been working for 10 months. This is actually already countless of times I attempt to quit....the last time...was when my boss unscrupulously try to cut my pay by changing her pay scheme from paying me £4/hour to paying me £35 a day. This is scheming because a full day job lasted 10.5 hours....x4 should be £42....but she only offer £35....come on....even a primary school kid can work this simple mathematical sum out....who is she trying to kid!...I am already considered seriously underpaid even when she pay me £4/hour....moreover....NO TIPS IS BEING SHARED AT ALL!!!!!! She keeps all the tips to herself...I really dun noe why I am still working for her until now....but I wont say there is no incentive at all working in her restaurant......becos working in a buffet restaurant entitle you to EAT ALL YOU CAN! Like the customers...that is one thing,..this job feeds me...and makes me fat....another thing is....this job is considered simple....for me now after working for so long...everything becomes mundane, easy, and boring....it was really torturing at first.....but I survive the torture yet ironically can’t stand the fact that I am being exploited....I would say apart from the pay and the boss....the job itself is nice and easy.....During that time when she suggested that stupid new pay scheme....i spend the whole night to figure the pros and cons and told her the next day that my minimum pay rate is £4/hour and NOT ANY LOWER!....she understand what I imply and she just reply that...she will call me when she need me....from then....she never call. About one or two months later....she call me out of the blue and ask me back to work. I just went back. I knew why she call....I know why becos my colleagues told me she is leaving even before my boss call....and my boss is shorthanded...I never say anything...I just went back to work....I thought my boss will be more appreciative in the future becos I din even ask for a pay rise....I went back as £4/hour. Now I am convinced she is hopeless. I told her I can’t work for her on Saturday. I told her frankly that I have other jobs and I am not willing give up my jobs to work for her ONLY. She actually tells me to cancelled my other jobs for her....EXCUSE ME!...on what ground?....my agent pays me £5/hour and that is excluding tips...which I sometimes can get as many as £30 a day of TIPS....and what can she offer?....SHE NEVER SAY A THING!...she actually tells me that I can only give my time to her!.....what her logic was....if I work for her WHOLE HEARTEDLY!....she will give me more hours to work....that will accumulate more pays....IF NOT....she is going to hire a full time...which I will have less hours to work in the future...I got her hint!...and I got her threat....and like I am scared.......WHAT AN ASSHOLE!....I can work less and get the same pay from my agents.....why should I work for her!....AS if she is going to pay me more....I got jobs offer from everywhere in Glasgow....I wont die even if she dun offer me jobs.....That is my limit.......That is why...I have decided...tomolo...I will be working my last shift for her....tomolo evening....I will tell her straight!....that...unless she is going to pay me £5/hour in the future.....or else she can hire whoever full time she wants to hire....none of my business. I am still available to work for her sure....I will never really quit a job...afterall I am just a part time......I will just wait and see when she is going to ask me back as £5/hour....which I doubt she ever will becos we all know her too well that she is a very stingy person...like me...so that is very unlikely that she will ever spend £5/hour on me....she would rather spend £2.50/hour to hire 2 waitress from china....than to spend £5/hour to hire me.....but the situation will be bad.....everytime when good staff are around.....4 is good enough to run the whole restaurant if everybody know what they are doing....but she rather hire 8 people to run around not knowing what to do.......for the whole day....and be paranoid becos everybody dun noe what is going on. Maybe her math is more powerful....you know...like spending the same amount to get more quantity.....but...no quality.....that is her logic. And so.....expressing my fullest sympathy...I hope those who are still working there to be happy. As for me....I don’t see any more reasons for me to stay on....afterall...to be frank...I work...becos I need money...not doing charity.

15/10/2004
4am


Today, I was at the CCA for a book launch. I like particularly a book call...er...i forget the title...something spaghetti...noodles or pasta...anyway...it was just a collections of scribbling on waste paper...about ah-ha! LAsagna...I think the tile is something like a pot of lasagne.....that thing Garfield likes to eat....yah...i like that book...becos...I also keep scribblings...especially notes left by people to tell me something....but I felt a bit sad...becos...the idea of someone is already doing it ...makes me feel like I am copying them which is ridiculous becos I have seen a lot of such things before...so I wont say it it very original...which is not impt...becos it is not about originality...but sincerity and genunity......I have already had this idea in mind to make a book long ago...but dun noe how to start and dun have the budget to do it.....SOB!...and someone else is already doing it....I am especially angry with myself for not doing something I want to do....I AM ANGRY WITH MYSELF actually....I dun noe what is stopping me....afterall I have already done a lot of things that are considered impossible to many people .....why am I hesitating...why am I still complaining...which I really should be doing something...DO SOMETHING!!!!DO SOMETHING!...YOU IDIOT!....STOP DREAMING....JUST DO IT!.GO DO IT!

15/10/2004
4.12am

By the way, at the CCA book launch...yah...that is one of those occasion which I feel very weird to be around....very weird....becos although everybody around me are familiar faces....I really dun noe them well.....I end up just saying bye to one of the artist which I know slightly better....but it still feels weird........weird weird weird....and uncomfortable.

15/10/2004
4.15am



Suddenly...something comes to my mind....another project....you know....the problem....I think I need a crew of people to help me realise my work....while I keep churning my ideas....to keep up the pace....or else my idea keeps accumulate and but not realising....it becomes mentally very unbalance and can be very psychotic....bad for health....oh yah...back to what my idea was....it was the feeling of familiar faces....in BARNES building.....familiar.....but dun noe who is who....very scary.......yet...I felt like telling them how I feel about them....I dun noe how......I have this idea to “stalk” everybody in Barnes building.....especially in EMA....and in the studio....and write something about them.......OHHH.....I like this idea....I LOVE IT!.....like a testimonial for everybody I know here.....YAH....so exciting!

15/10/2004
4.32am

well....time to sleep....shouldn’t be staying up late....but then...so happy that I am writing.....I like the idea that I am writing....I like it.

15/10/2004
4.33am

It is 5am now....and I dun noe why I am still wide awake....I am actually in my TIP TOP FORM and CONDITION to write and think.....usually...this will be the most productive time for me to do my essay but I choose to write diary entry....becos essay is for my degree but diary is for my life...simple logic.

Good night...and go to sleep...tomolo is going to be another hard day....

15/10/2004
5am

Unwilling...

This is a lesson for everybody.
Never help someone unwillingly...
for my case....I am extremely unwilling when I help my friends here.
They are from Malaysia...a couple and they need to rent a flat....so I let them use my name to rent that flat...and they pay for the rent themself....I regret TREMEMDOUSLY not becos they will run away or watever so....becos even if they do...their deposit is paid by themself and got nothing to do with me....but then...I dun like the idea that someone is using my name to do something....and I had to sign the rent agreement....I just dun like it....and I WILL NEVER DO THIs KIND OF THING AGAIN!...NEVER!...unless of cos..if there are other reasons for doing so...or else..NEVER!

Just wanted to tell everybody about this.

That's all.

Bad day...

I am feeling so and so and so miserable right NOW...this very moment and I suspect for the rest of my night....that I will feel VERY SICK!...because of the dinner I ate 4 hours ago....that stupid beef and cheese...I COOKED!....yes...it was my own fault...but it has got nothing to do with my culinary skill....it was the beef....it was in the fridge for weeks...and I have no time to cook them.....until today....I suspect it was bad already...but I just thought maybe if I cook them properly.....it should be ok....but...it turn out to be NOT OK at all....halfway thru my eating....I decided not to eat the beef anymore and throw all away.....they taste really funny....and 4 hours later....I felt like vomiting and my tummy felt horrible.....I tried to make myself vomit....stay at the sink and wait for myself to puke....drink a lot of water...hoping that it will help...but my tummy just bloated...and makes things worse....now I felt so miserable I felt like crying.....worse...I am having a headache induced by my food-poisoning.....SOMEBODY.....HELP ME!
But SHIT!....I am all alone and I am not connected...this blog will only be publish next Monday when I have access...hopefully by then I will be pink and healthy again...and will not be eating any beef probably for a long time until I get over it....
This reminds me of fishballs.....I remember when I was very young....I became very sick after eating some fishballs...and yah...I vomited....after that...I did not eat fishballs for a long long time....until one day....out of the blue...I start to eat them again....I actually crave for fishcakes nowadays....the Angmohs here will not understand what is fishcake....anyway...singaporean should noe .......

OUCH!....just 10 seconds ago...while I was typing in pain groaning about my food poisoning....and fishball phobia....I lost balance and slip off my bed.....luckily my laptop is still on the table....but my thigh hit the bench and my back hit the bedside.....and the pain on my thigh and back was sooo intense that.....I....no longer feel the tummy aching....I guess that is what people call.. “distraction”.....but just as I recover from that silly fall.....with very very minor fat injury(I got fatty thighs)...my tummy ache and vomitty sensation came back.....

What a day.....just not right for me.....
09/10/2004
1.37am

Somewhere over the rainbow..... 

Confession of a confused stalker...

Nothing happened since that night after I return him the bulb....
Absolutely nothing.

Oh...but I made another astonishing discovery!!!
There are 2 Johns in this apartment!!!!
I know becos I saw a new mail addressing to John C. Morrison a few days ago.
Whichever he is....I am too confuse to conclude...and whatever, he is still john.
However...it is not important now as nothing is going to happen until my next lightbulb blows off....
Which I suspect will take another 5 mth....till then....
Who knows who is going to live downstairs...or even best..next door!

Yah...perhaps I shall call an end to this beautiful love story which is still beautiful because it never happens.
Meanwhile...I look forward to someone knocking on my door the next time....anyone....EXCEPT my landlord!


04/10/04

Operation “Destroy”!

I have decided to be merciless this time.
As I have realise the true meaning of... “being kind to others is being cruel to myself”
This is applicable...when I am referring to my pest friends...xiao hei
the beetle cockroach family that populate my room like Chinese populate china!!!!
The only difference which makes it scarier...is that they have more than one child in a family!
Which I am not even sure how many family I am actually housing....

I have decided to treat this “problem” seriously when I was casually sweeping off
2 or 3 visible ones with my broom off into my bin....and when I took a closer look.....
there are actually more than 2...but 5 or 6 smaller ones wriggling....EEEEEEE!!!!
I FREAK OUT!
That means I might be stepping on one anytime I walk around my room!
Though they are tiny.....BUT with my almost perfect eye-sight...
I CAN SEE THEM!!!!!
I decided that this is it.
It has reach my limit!
My policy is always as long as I dun see them...I am fine...
But since I can see them CLEARLY now...TOO LATE!

I have began to sweep very frequently everyday...
Whenever I reach home....first thing...I will sweep the floor...
The irritating thing is really the carpet...which I find it extremely unhygienic...
But the angmoh like it...becos it will be warm in the winter....but crap....
The carpet is the dirtiest thing you can put in ur room...I rather wear feel cold than to walk on dirty carpet.
And I swear I will never carpet my floor in my future home...maybe those small decorative ones...
But never the whole floor...stupid siah.....like if you spill something on the carpet...that’s it....
And you dun noe how many dust mites are growing...and for my case...beetle cockroach...
But I can be sure that it is not the fault that they breed here....but they are simply everywhere in this building.
They just exist.
Though I might not be able to eliminate them totally...
I am determine to sweep them up....as many as I could....
and throw them in bin bags and trash them out 100 metres away from my apartment across the road.
So far..I lost count how many I have actually sweep away...probably more than 20(larve form-wriggling and not crawling)
It is the most traumatising thing that is happening...
but everyday....the number is getting less...
but it still creeps a bit to think of it.

One more reason nowadays for me to move....
But not yet.......not yet.
04/10/04

Shhh...!

I seriously dun like guys who talks a lot.
Though I have interesting “talk-a lot” guy friends....
And I do enjoy arguing with them....
But I really do prefer guys to talk when necessary.

This conclusion was made when I work in a hotel function yesterday.
This guy that I had to work in pair with talk NON-STOP!
That worse thing is....he is extremely unprofessionally because we are actually working...
Though we are just standing around to wait for the people to finish their food before we clear and serve the next course....
We are suppose to be standing at the side and keep an eye on their needs...but this guy....he just keep talking....
And talking and talking......I din reply him and thought he might get the hint and SHUT UP!....instead he ask me why I am so quiet...
DUR!...I told him we are working.....and I dun like to talk when I am working......
Then he ask me what I am thinking when I am not talking...
I told him....I am not thinking of anything.
And he keep asking me question.....
Like where I live and who do I live with....
When I say I dun live with anyone he look as if I am bluffing him!!!!
I am sooo annoyed!
I ask myself if he happens to some cute guy trying to chat me up....will I be equally annoyed?
My answer should be still the same....simply becos
he choose the wrong time, wrong place and ask the wrong question!

Oh well....that is it....
At least I should be thankful to him that he did help me a lot when we are serving...after all we work in pairs...
we have to be professional...and he burn his hands while carrying some hot plates which I felt sorry for him...
oh oh...and he made great contribution to making me realise I dun like guys who are talkative!
For his case...talk without thinking!
Meanwhile...quiet guys always works for me....!


04/10/04

Recently...I dun see xiao fei flying around my room anymore...maybe he has found a new home....probably a place with more trash than my room...anyway...this was the picture last taken when he fell alsleep on top of my laptop...hope he is happy now...somewhere out there... 

That is my limit...

£"@ON+_"?:<{}*!%^!£OVW!$&.....I am swearing.
Because I HATE DOING ESSAY WITHOUT INTERNET ACCESS!!!!!
SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL ME!!!!
and the worst thing is...I have to keep this feeling for 4 days until today to get online and POST IT!
Ridiculous me!
I CAN'T STAND IT!
That guy living downstair better be worth me staying or else I AM MOVING!!!!!

28/09/04

Liberation of men and women in the new millennium.

Wah...bombastic title siah...like essay topic...whahahaha..well sorry I cant help it...

While doing all the research on cyberfeminism....I have come to realise that feminism in the first place not only liberalise women but also men. Simply because with the transformation we women are going thru...the men have to change as well. Afterall, we live in a society like an equation. We gain a little here we have to minus a bit from the other side to balance. Hence there is no way men can escape from this revolution. At this point, I feel sorry for the men because they are somehow more anonymous throughout the whole movement or rather I would categorise them as being victimise throughout the whole process with the fact that they are almost voiceless in most cases. Regardless, the fact is, men are being liberated. For example, men nowadays learn the importance of being emotional, they learn to cry and learn realise it is ok to be weak as well as learning to make themselves “pretty”. While the women go out to work and become stronger physically and mentally. However, I am not suggesting a change of role but rather a better balance in overall to be more human in the sense both strong and weak for both men and women. Afterall, I still expect to see man open doors and pay for dinner...while I am willing to act silly and pretend I am still weak...With this...let’s cheer for this progress and hope that the new situation makes this world a better place for both men and women to live in.


26/09/2004

UnLeaSH!

I had a realisation tonight....as I stare into the mirror looking at my long curly hair....
I realise I have been doing injustice to my hair for many years.
To be exact...more than 20 years...
To be more precise....since the day I was born.
In fact, they are given to me by my mother through her genes.
It may sound as if my hair is my disability as I describe them....they are actually a gift.
They are lovely...they are long and...
They are curly.
Despite that they can be quite tangled and messy at times I never despise them.
I never cut them because of reason such as I dun like them, or try to straighten them because people think I should. I usually cut them because I am sick of my old image and want a change or simply when I feel like it but never because they are curly.
However, I realise I have been doing the greatest injustice to me hair since I was born simply because I never let it be what it is, and worse still , I try to tame it.
As I remember when I was in primary school, if you were to ask any of my old classmates...they will tell you how neat and tidy my hair is...I suspect some of them might not even know my hair is curly.
In secondary school was worse, where I will wear a hair-net to school to tame my hair...because I gave up combing it.
Or when I finally decided to cut it, I will put a lot of oil or hair gel or mouse just to comb down and stop it from frizzing.
In my JC days which was perhaps slightly better.....as I slacken my control over my hair to let it “be messy” a bit....simply maybe becos I get used to it...but still I never let it down and let it flow freely.
Until I was in NAFA, when things starts to get even better.....yet, no matter how messy, I will still bun it up or whatever to keep it up where it is...never dare to show it publicly...maybe only among friends and family...as they get used to it....but still...I seldom let them down to curl on their own while walking on the street....only very ocassionally...when I am at home...only.
There are of course many reasons to why I did all I can to tame it....simply because people expect me to do so....like it is something unruly for them to accept.....and improper to let my curly hair down...they think it is scary....
In fact, most of my Chinese friends will advice me to cut or go rebonding....which none of them so far has actually say they love my natural curly hair...NONE OF THEM.....sadly...But things are different with the ang moh though....I always get very flattered when they like my hair....even before I came to Glasgow....I have friends from Australia and Germany who like my hair a lot....and classmates now in Glasgow who simply envy and feel jealous of my hair.....even my Greek friend and Nigeria friend loves them....only except all the my Chinese friends....regardless whether they are from Malaysia, Hong Kong or China....none of them like it.
It is sad, because I have been doing injustice to my hair simply because others dun like it....though I never despise it....It is bad enough to simply try to tame it.
My hair is just like me.
I should like it be what it is....since I am already courageous enough to let myself be what I want to be...why can’t I let my hair be so as well.... what an irony.
Perhaps I should free my hair from my own oppression and let it find it’s own freedom and identity like I did to my soul. I dun see why I shouldn’t let my hair be what it really is. Perhaps that is the key to why I always feel there is still something not right about myself....something not completely unleash.....

With this, I have made a whole new decision. I have decided to keep it.
Long and curly as it is.
Lovely.

Frillyobject.
23/09/04
2.28am