I was in tears when i had the assessment feedback today, perhaps it is the not so good results i have for this term...which is not really the reason why...part of it definitely is the spark for the flooding of tears... it started with .... the part where my tutor remarks about the not sufficient evidence of research and critical awareness of contemporary art practice. There is a difference between you dun know and you dun show. Like doing problem sums in mathematics....you dun get marks for not showing your workings. that is my problem. ...while this problem leads me to another problem....producing the research evidence...which....leads to another topic....MONEY! A good research portfolio is backed up by money...printing of stuff in the library needs moeny....developing photos need money.....even buying a folder needs money. which i wonder how i should do it...given the fact that i cannot even afford tospent £1 on 4 rolls of toilet papers....i actually already spent £6.38 last week just to develop photos for docunmentation of my work....which is like 4 weeks of my daily expenses....i cannot imagine how much a research folder will cost me....i dun want to think....everything is in pounds and penny now in my head....like NEO in the matrix....zeros and ones....you start to see the codes of things....of cos...another problem is time....i have to work to pay for my fees...or else i cannot continue...but working will give me less ime to do my school stuff...and in terms harms my art practice...but then again...if i am going to work less...how on earth will i have money to even print a piece of paper from the library...everything cost money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!than all the problems start to flodd my head.....and the fustration of things get over me...especially when i talk about my phobia in technology....it is actually the frustartion for working in school within limited time....which is not very accomodative.....to my work time...money money money...it all goes down to one thing....money.
i just kept weeping and weeping and weeping as my lecturers continue to finish reading the comments on the assessemnt feedback....while i made some sobby weepy respond which i can hardly heard myself.....and i told them i am just frustrated with the technical disability i had with computers which i lied....i actually wanted to tell them...i dun have money to print things. They will not believe me if i say this. Then when my tutors ask me if i have got any other problem other school work....i just tell them frankly...financial problem....yah...i hope they get it.
The feedback session ended with a huge tension in the end...i know they tried to console me...but i just kept weeping and weeping...eyes and nose flooding....dun look nice though....i can't help it....
then i walk out of school thinking i should stop this since i have cried enough but i just kept on weeping non-stop...whioch at one point...a classmate spot me and say hi...without knowing i am in tears....i responded with a hi...and i guess he saw me crying...and i just hurriedly walk away.....i continued to cry and sob....on my way to the school library where i am now...and start to blog this.....just a while ago....i was on MSN with my brother and he told me that he can manage to send me my money by April...and i am really touch...and then....I weep again!
I can't stop crying since i started it.....i just kept crying.
By the way...i must have also scared liwei becos i was chatting with her "happily' while i am weeping and typing this post...scary...i know.
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