Reassessment...

She was here whenever she can.
That greek girl.
And she sits in between us...physically...and mentally.
For the whole day...her presence is felt.

It started...with he and I talking...and she came in...
start speaking in greek...and he and I stop talking...I went back to my seats...
and go back to staring at my laptop...
I was lightly disappointed that our converstion had to end in such a way...
But he sent me an emoticon on my MSN...while she is talking...
We just pretend we are chatting with "someone" online...though we are just 1.5 metres apart with her sitting in between...
we had to resort to using MSN...within such a short distance to communicate.
At that moment...I worship whoever invented internet.

She left...and came back again...left and came back...for a few times...
Then...at one point...she practically just sit there...watching him...doing his stuff on his computer...
while they speak in greek.
I am like I dun exist anymore...in the space.

I turn up my volume...and blast myself with music...and do my stuff...
TRYING...very hard to IGNORE everything.
But I can't.

And so..the results of my reassessment....
Is that..
This girl..is
classified as potentially threatening
and not as simple as ABC...

But what am I suppose to do?
I am in no position to fight.
I shall keep quiet and blend myself into the wall...
If I can...I will.

300505

Precious Childhood Memory...

Today....I showed him photo documentation of my very old works..Old paintings...old sculptures...old drawings..watercolors...

ANd he showed me his childhood pictures...from his computer.
Very cute.
And also his family pictures like his parents...pictures of his parents when they are young...and picture of his grandparents...great parents....Black and white...suddenly..I got the urge to fly back to singapore and scan all my baby photos....I miss all my photographs...

I showed him some pics I had on my organizers...which Wendy made for me...with my pictures from RV(my secondary school) to before I left singapore....

He was laughing...at ME..becos I had one really ugly , fat looking photo...when I was 14...

And i laugh at him....when I saw his pics a few years ago..with his hair is longer...and curly...
Looks comical...

We both had a good laugh...and back to work!

300505

He likes to call me by my chinese name.

Nobody now in Glasgow ...call me by my chinese name...except him.
And he likes to call my name for fun.

Yesterday...like I told you...he was vexed...
then his greek female fren came and have a chat...
he was talking to her in their language..
and i dun understand a word.

Then he went off to the room next door to install his stuff..
while that girl sat on his chair...
looking around his desk...

Then I heard him exclaimed my name, my chinese name that is...
and followed by "It OK!"

He solved his technical problem...
and he came out of that room happily exclaiming my name.

telling me he solve his problem.

While that girl is left puzzled...
guessing what "chyiyun" means...

She din know that was my name of cos.

Then after a while she just left.

So..after this incident...
I am sure she is not his girlfren.

290505

What can i do to help him?

Yesterday...he looked vexed.
There is a technical problem with his installation.
Something about the light sensor and the light coming out from the projector...
he look stuck...
like some school kid stuck in a math problem.
Can feel his frustration.
And he ask me...

"What should I do now...?"

I kept quiet for a while...as if I am thinking of a solution...
.apparently I can't provide him any solution.
Becos i noe nothing about electronics.
I failed my physics when I was in school.
But I am really thinking at that moment about how I can help him.

And...I said...

"Come come..."


he walk towards me and sit on a chair next to me...
and without me telling him what I want to do...

he rest his head on my shoulder and pretend to cry like a kid.

And i pat his back and tell him...

"Dun cry dun cry...you will be alright."

After "crying"... he went back to his seat...
and continue to solve his problem.

Suddenly...I was puzzled.
I dun say anything to him..
but he knows that i wanted him to come closer so that I can comfort him.

Did my face show that?
I din noe I am that expressive.

290505

暗恋还是双恋?

My fren YN ask me this question when I told her...
I have a new male lead in my blog.
She ask...if it was a single-sided thing or double sided.
This is hard to answer.
I am no longer sure if my feelings for him is considered a crash.
Neither am I sure if he had any feelings for me.
As far as I am concern now, I am not even interested to know if he likes me.
Becos It is not important any more.
As long as we enjoy each other's company.
it really doesn't matter to me now.
And..on top of that..it is silly to start anything now...
becos in less than 3 weeks time...
we are going to say good bye to each other.
Nothing will happen.
Nothing should happen.
And maybe it shall remain as a very beautiful story...
That I will remember.

and so....yah...neither.
Not single-sided...nor double-sided.

Nothing at all.
Suddenly..I feel sad.

290505

Shuriken.

Shuriken is a kind of ninja weapon.
And I rememeber..I used to fold a lot of this paper flying dagger...with my brothers..and we will fold a lot a lot of them and put it in our pocket...and have this flying dagger battle with my brothers...is a 4 spike looking paper dagger..that you need 2 pieces of paper to make it...anyway...anyway...check the website to see what is a shuriken.

http://www.ninja-weapons.com/rangedweapons/shaken/origami_shuriken.shtml

And yah...I give the above information in order to lay a background.

So...I was telling him about this paper shuriken my brothers and I used to play with..and he ask me how I make it...and so...I forgot...and we did a search online and find this.

Exactly like this.

I made one...and we played with it...
He was throwing it everywhere...and then...he lost it.
It fly into a pile of trash...and he couldn't find it...
I saw him digger the pile....and I told him...it's ok...I can make more.
He looks a bit disappointed.

Then I teach him how to make one...and we had one each...
and throw against each other.
We had a liitle bit of fun...and we decided...back to work.
And he ask me if he can keep them.
Of cos.

He kept the 2 shuriken.
And I suddenly remembers....the 2 paper areoplane...din manage to keep them...they fly away..remember?

Ah...

So this time...I teach him something for return.

290505

CHOKE!

I was talking to him...and drinking my green tea...
And..suddenly I got a choke...

Cough! cough cough!..cough cough cough...!cough! cough!
And I was hitting my chest....to control my choke...

And he was semi standing up...showing a gesture like he was going to come and pat my back...
I put a "stop" hand sign...and say chokingly...that I am ok...

while I ..cough cough cough....

And he says...

"chyi yun...dun die..."

I was halfway choking and going to recover when he said that...
and my choke worsen...

cough cough...couGH!COUgH!cough!
Cough cough.....

I choke on my heart this time.

290505

Mystery of the rasin scone....

Becos I din blog yesterday...today is the updates.

While my laptop os on the verge of crashing....It din in the end.
It was ok now.
And I backed up all my files.
But his computer crash on the 27th Night.
It was a scary moment...when the studio become very quiet...
And i din dare to make a sound...
becos he dun look happy.
And he restart his computer twice...in safe mode...
And he was busy configuring something.
He restart again...and walk away...very quietly.
I thought he went off to chill out or something...
Instead...he came back and put a packet of "kinder bueno"..the chocolate biscuit with hazelnuts...beside my desk area.
I was puzzled..and look at him...saw him had another packet...and he was opening up...
Ah...he went to the vending machine to get some chocolate.....

But but...is that extra packet FOR ME?

I asked him.

"Is this for me?"

"aye"

Oh...so in the mids of his confusion trying to safe his crashed computer...and I thot he angrily walk off to chilled out...he actually went to get some food...and

HE REMEMBERS ME.

Unfortunately...I dun like chocolate.
And I told him before.

Anyway...I happily eat that packet of kinder bueno...the next door when I was really hungry at some point and find it not bad.

And...I told him the story of my 21st birthday when my mum bought me a chocolate cake for birthday....which is bad...haha...becos she din realise her daughter dun like chocolate!

So...now he knows....I am allergy to alcohol...and dun like chocolate.
WHat else...ahhh...more...he will find out more soon.

Meanwhile...I am touched for his gesture of buying me something to eat...

Oh and that reminds me of something....

I have been staying around his studio for weeks...3 weeks now...

And dun remember exactly since when...but he start to buy this raisin scone from GREGGS...everyday for lunch and some other sandwiches...

I was constantly feeling hungry....and while I was working...in the studio...I will always makes noise and tell him I am hungry...and will go away to look for food. I had brought pack lunches...and bought bread...but I am still hungry.

So there was once he bought this raisin scone...and offer me one...and I like it.
After that...he bought the raisin scone every day...for himself presumably...but he will ask me if i would want one...then...gradually...he bought it everyday...like some staple snack we will eat for tea....and I love them...even though some are badly burnt sometimes....slowly...i realise he bought that everyday...and din eat them at all himself...and I would eat them for 2 days...and i realise...he bought that FOR ME...
Becos...he will buy the lunches...and put that packet of rasin scone ON MY DESK!
while he will keep his sandwich at his desk.

Though we share them...and I dun eat them solely alone...he will eat one or two sometimes...but unofficially...they are MINE!

Yah...something about him...that i realise was very sweet...since dun noe when..
and had been surviving by eating them for more than a week....

I am going to miss the rasin scone when I had to go home one day.

290505

I had a dream.

Yesterday...

It was a bad dream.
Or maybe I should say...a sad one.
Someone very dear...came to us...and kiss us good bye.

And I cry and cry and cry...
so sad...so sad so sad...
And woke up still crying..

It was the start for a tired day.
which was the reason why I din blog...

290505

Everyday...

I learn somethings about him.

His age.
The month of his birthday.
His father occupation.
His bad habits.
His chinese zodiac.

Little by little.
Bit by bit.
Like a puzzle.
That i piece together everyday.

And I wonder if I am ever going to complete this puzzle...
before I leave this place.

270505

So silly...yet so sweet...

We went up to EMA to collect our stuff together...
And we are at the entrance of the lift...waiting.
Suddenly...something occurs in my mind...
something stupid.
I propose a challenge.
"I will take the lift and you take the stairs...and we see who wins!"
Obviously...he will.
But for the fun of it.
He stand by the stair case... getting ready...

"wait wait!!!...you must wait for me to enter first...dun cheat!"

Fair enuff I believe.

"Wait!!!...must wait for the door to close...to be fair!"

Ok...I know I am unreasonable...I dun care.

Then the door opens and i went in.
Door closes...

After like a million years later...I reach the 2nd floor.
This lift is the second slowest in our school.
The slowest is in the MAcintosh building which the lift is famous for being the slowest.
And everyone knows that it will be faster to go up the stairs than take the lift.
Anyway...

yah...I reach second floor...suspect that he will be at the door waiting for me...
But NO.
Walk out...turn left...
No sight of him...look back...saw the door open...

It is Olive boy.
Ah... olive boy..I almost forgot he exist...
He was carrying something with both hands...

"I din noe you got so much hair..." olive boy said.

Yah..I plaited my hair today...and it stretches to reach my knees...

"Not much...just very long..." I replied.

If I am still infatuated with him like a month ago...
I probably won't give such a reply...or..I probably will be too tongue-tied to speak.

Anyway...we walk towards the EMA together...

Reach the door...

ANd silly me....I forget he cannot open the door...
with both hands fulls...

"Can you open the door for me...?"

Of cos...I am just retarded....
I seem to be thinking of something or trying to rememeber...
yah...I seem to have forgotten something.

But I quickly responded upon request...and open the door...
and let Olive boy to enter the EMA...

"Chyi Yun!"

Someone called my chinese name when the door opened.
But..the first person to hear this was not me...
Caught Olive boy by surprise.
And me...I was standing behind Olive boy...peeping in.....

Ah..I remember.
I was looking for him before I meet olive boy outside the lift.
And he was in the EMA ambushing to "surprise" me.
But..unfortunately...he surprise the wrong person instead.


Anyway...saw a puzzled look in olive boy face...
And him with the "opps"-got-the-wrong-person look without tongue sticking out.
And me...giggling.

Although he wins the challenge we had set earlier on.
But I am the one who had the last laugh.

Silly...

Yet very sweet.

270505

Some days.

Some days...I feel normal.
When I think I am not obsessed with him anymore.
Some days...I dun.
He becomes special.
Some days...I think about him..
Miss him even when he sits just 1.5 metres away from me.
Some days...I feel nothing.
Not even when he is just standing beside me.
Some days...I couldn't be bothered.
Whatever he does is none of my business.
Some days..I am too bothered.
Even if he did nothing I just want to know.
Some days...I dun like him.
For so many reasons.
Some days...I like him.
For no reason at all.

(A poem written when he is not around)

4.53pm.
270505

By the way...

12 more days...

270505

HACKERS in THE WORLD...

United we stand!
Together we hack!

By saying this.
I am assuming I am a hacker.
Which I am not.
But love to be.
If I am intelligent enough to grasp the whole technological concept.
Unfortunately.
I am dumb.

However, hackers are my saviour.
I love them.
They help me save money.

I wonder if this is even safe for me to say this online but yah...not to disclose too much...
Just want to thank all the hackers for making my life easier and infact so much better.

To all hackers..
Just want to say...THANK YOU.

270505

PLEASE CONFIRM THAT YOU ARE A HUMAN BELOW.

WTF?!!..(sorry I have been vulgar lately becos of the increasing stress *excuse*)

PLEASE CONFIRM THAT YOU ARE A HUMAN BELOW.

I see this line on the page where I try to post a comment on LW's blog.
did something stupid and try to post a comment unsucessfully.Then this error message appear...
with an image below wanting me to CONFIRM that I am a human by identifying the distorted image of a letters and numbers.

Ok ok...i know this is the security system preventing sabotager...but but..
It feels really weird to see such a statement.
Which means...by their definition...
WE CONFIRM OUR HUMAN STATUS BY BEING ABLE TO IDENTIFY THE DISTORTED IMAGE???....


Not becos we suck air?
Not becos we eat food?
Not becos we sleep and dream?
Not becos we cry and die?
Not becos we think and ponder?
Not becos we love and hate?

Of so many possibility...

Can they choose a better statement?

Like...

Please prove that you are not a computer generated sabotager.
Please show that you are not a computer.
Please assure us that you are sincere to post a comment.
Please identify the below code to assure us that you are not anything but human???(this is funny but sound kinda weird...bad example...ignore this.)
Please just identify the code for god sake.
Please try again later.


Watever...

270505

Recent Playlist...

Recent TOP-10 Palylist on my window media player.

In random order.

* Fly away by FIR
* As Time Goes By (Casablanca soundtrack version)
* Dancing in the Moonlight by Toploader
* Ni de wei xiao by FIR
* California Dreaming By mamas and papas
* Beautiful world by Cold play
* Can't get you off my head by Kylie Minogue
* Let's stay together by Al Green
* Don't you see by ZARD
* Lonely by Akon

Ah...just realise that when the titles of the songs are all put together...
It makes some sense in a way...to how I feel lately...
And the music...some of them...
HEAVY, LOUD, some metalic...

as I drown myself with music...to create a total internal space to concentrate.

The louder my music...
The better I concentrate.

Yah..that's all so far.

270505

Tentatively...

I have decided to name my installation... NOT AT HOME.

Which I dun see the need to explain why if you have been reading..or even..just seen this blog for the first time.

I am not at home.

ANd all this happen when I am not at home...

And yah...

MAybe a little detail to be added...


NOT AT HOME
Since 18th September 2003.


260505

NO!!!!!!....DUN!!!...

My computer is going to crash...SOON!...I can feel it in my skin....very VERY tramuatising....BACK UP!>>>BACK UP!>>>BACK UP!!!

Yah..that is the only thing you can do when ur system is going to crash...and the ability to sense it is better than to see it crash suddenly.
SO....things to do today...BACK UP!...ALL FILES.

ANd wait for it to die.


COmputers is not that scary when you know they are stupid.

260505

13 days...

Working full gear now...I am DIVING VERY DEEP into concentration and at the stage of getting things DONE!
Not as if I have never been more hardworking and in full concentration...I am in fact always in this stage when the proper time arrive.
Timing...IS IMPORTANT.
To a person who works last minute.
Every second...COUNTS.
With NO EXCEPTION this time.
13 day which includes the actual installation of my art work and if necessary...
It will be a 24 hours a day thing for me.
As far as I can remember...my record was 3 days.
24 hours a day for 3 days until the deadline. Day and night...
Bring my sleeping bag...burn my midnight oil...drink up all my green tea..
eat all the food in the fridge....

so..it is 13 days now...which is unusually early for me to start...but judging from what I have completed so far...I am left with 13 days to do what I am suppose to do for one year..if this description is good enough to illustrate how desperately last minute I am.

Just to give a very brief description of what I am supose to do today and what I have mangage to complete...

I am suppose to compile all my research and present them in proper accessible documentation.
Do a proper documentation of my previous art work.
Read thru my notes and file them up for reference.

and wat is completed so far?..

I am half way thru each of everything.
which means I have completed nothing.

And what is next for the rest of the 6 days before the installation?

I need to go to the library and source for more refernce.
Print out all my refernce...
Arrange my online reference.
Do a few powerpoint presenation piece of my photo documentation.
MAke a short audio piece BUT THE DAMN SOUND ROOM IS FULLY BOOKED!
The booking sheet is OUT just this morning at 9.30am..
I reach school at 10am...and it is FULLY BOOKED!

And also...I need to decide the actual installation for my final piece, PLUS
I am still very tempted to make 2 more video which requires video editing AGAIN!
and an ARTIST BOOK PROJECT...a small one...with all my rough paper.

All that in 6 days.
I AM NOT GOD.

then...comes the biggest challenge to put everything together...and GRADUATED!

13 days...Let's see how much I can accomplish.

meanwhile, Blogging might become less frequent...unless neccessary...
to chilled out or something...
something like what I am doing now.

260505

14

THE NUMBER OF DAYS TO HEAVEN.

He likes me...
He likes me not...
He likes me...
He likes me not...
He likes me...
He likes me not...

Actually..I am not interested anymore.

Not that I dun like him anymore.
But it has come to that point of saturation
where the the sensation has make me too numb...
So numb that I am no longer excited.
So numb that I can jump out of myself and see the whole situation as a third party.
That is the advantage of someone who has schizophrenia tendency...
Or..my friends would probably be mumbling
"Not that serious lah..maybe just split personality"

And...it is back to normal for me actually.
I know I am normal when I start to think.
And when I think...I will make my point clear.

Yesterday, we had our first disagreement.
We are arguing for the first time about something.
Couldn't even remember what it was...but i remember the actual conversation.

It goes...

"Could be."he said.

"It is."I said insistingly.

"Could be"he said again.

"It is."...I said firmly.

And he said finally..."yah..it is. "
"Good."...I rest my case.

It was a silly disagreement I know.
But it only shows that i am not agreeing with watever he says now.
At least now...some of the things he did might be wrong.
LAst week...everything he did was right.
Can you people out there see my point.

I am no longer obsess with him.
Affirmative.

I am myself again.

Nice feeling.

250505

Time and Money cycle....

Time is money. I treasure this knowledge.
Because for the past one and a half year...or to be more exact...since I graduate from JC when I was 18...time to me...most of the time is equivalent to money.
Working in the as a waitress, my wage range from $6/hr when I first started to $10/hr when I leave singapore...and my wage here as a waitress here range from £3.50/hr to £5.50/hr and occassionally I get tips. Time is indeed money. There are days when I am so so poor that when I am not working, I will lie on my bed to feel guilty becos every single minute doinng nothing means no earning means NO MONEY TO PAY SCHOOL FEES and RENT.

Here comes the supposed logic of things....

Time is sacrifice for making money...and now...money is spent to buy back time.

Too little time to do so many things...to speed up...you spend money.
The cheapest loaf of bread in town is sold in Sainsbury. £0.19...EVEN CHEAPER THAN THE LOTI(means bread) SOLD IN SINGAPORE!!!...but becos the bigger Sainsbury is not near...I decided to spend £0.50 instead in Farmfood this morning on my way to school to buy a loaf. But the irony of things is...TIME...is MORE PRECIOUS than money. I absolutely understand this but unfortunately is in no position to stand up for it...BUT I KNOW IT...Especially when I am 14 days to my degree show...I have decided it is time to use the money earn by selling away my time...to buy back the time I have lost. EVERY minute COUNTS...including the time I spent typing this blog...which I shouldn't be doing...hence to justifymy action. I have decided...MY BLOG SHALL ALSO BE PART OF MY DEGREE SHOW....to show that the time spent on writing all these is WORTH!

Like what I always tell my friends...I am NOT AN ARTIST.
I am a CON-artist.
CONceptual-artist...that is.

250505

Just finish writing my programme of study this morning

Writing the programme of study for my work is as inspiring as making my artwork. While visions of how my graduation piece is going to be...floods my mind. I want to do this..and that...this and this...and that...everything...so many things I want to do....so little time...as usual.

Always like that.

230505

My Horoscope for the day...

It says...

Listen to the advice of your nearest and dearest.
They have all the answers and no, I'm not going to say they only think they do.
On this occassion they really do.


So my nearest to heart and dearest to me people out there somewhere in the world
do you have anything to tell me today?

240505

I wonder if he feels it.

I have facial expression which can be read like a book..and gesture like words. which I presume, anyone smart enough should know that I like him. Including people who walked past the corridor everyday.. and saw us together day and night...I suspect some of them actually knew. As for him, I really wonder if he feels anything at all. Everyday, we see each other. Everyday, we hang around together in this mutual space. It is either I have been a better actress than I expect myself to be and he really din have a clue or that he is a great actor...and I din have a clue...OR......maybe he is treating me as just another fren.

It can be that simple or is it too complicated?

I should just ask him if he had any feelings for me.

yah..I should.

230505

Tesco my love...

I regret buying that pack of ham from Sainbury....is the most horrible tasting ham I have eaten...since I arrive here...

In terms of taste...too saltish.
Feel...Too oily.
Price...too steep.

Tesco ham...on the other ham...nice and chewy...
not too saltish...
and is CHAEP!

Conclusion....
I swear I will never buy Sainsbury ham again...
and Tesco...

My love.

230505

When I was 17...

I was naived.

and now...I still am.

Been to my blogpal's site to check out his latest music...
It was called.."Naive".

Brought me back to that instant..
Slow-mo...colours fading....and you see two figures...walking under the rain...trying to share a pathetic brolly...that is the beauty of rain.
Or you see one girl writing something ...sitting on a bench..smiling...
Saw a boy...sitting next to her...

I dun have any feelings for him now. But I will always smile when I remember those days...
Naive...very naive...

Thanks pal...you reminded me of my beautiful 17...with your music.

www.ghostnotes.blogspot.com

sha
230505

Ah...you know what...

I miss out an important lead as to why he is different today...

I send him an sms yesterday...and he replied...and I replied...and he replied.

And it was quite sweet actually.

230505

But...I am smiling...

I am confused...but I am happy...despite the fact that I am scared and probably trying to run away...I am happy..I know...becos I can feel the smile on my face...

However...I came to realise another point...the people here like to call people "darling, honey and sweetheart"...like they will call "Miss or Madam..."

Maybe I am imagining things...

Whatever...

220505

"Hello..dar.."

WAT!??!..

Again..wat did you just call me?...or are you calling me?

I didn't ask...but I am screaming in my mind....becos I heard him call me "dar.."
Is that a language misinterpretation?...is that greek?
OR that is english...and he meant "Hello Darling."

I was tongue-tied...but i ran away...walking towards the office door without stopping...and turn my head and reply approximately 3 seconds later when I am already roughly 6 metres away from him...I ask a stupid question to start for the day..."are you here very early today?"
actually I am not interested at all if he is there or not in the morning...I just need to fill up the empty space in our conversation...in case he realise I am "stuck" with words.

"half-nine..." he replied.

Anyway...the atmosphere is weird today.

Suddenly I am scared.

I remember my conversation with Yahui...
I asked her..."what if he also likes me..."
she said..."you know...I think I heard you said the same thing to me many years ago..."
Indeed...when i was 18....I ask her the same qeustion which i just did. And the scenerio was...I was in love with this guy...but realise that he might also like me...become very scare...and ran away...in the end...that guy and me..are still good friends...but nothing really did happen between us...

I have this history of running away when people like me.

EVen when the person who likes me is someone I like.

What is wrong with me?

He better be a good runner...

220505

In PAin..

Ah...a woman can become THAT jealous...
like stabbing me in the heart....
and yah...
I really cannot bear to stay here any longer...
makes me feel like a THIRD PARTY!
And so...this shall be the last of my posting for the day.
Go home and recuperate.

Need strength to love again tomolo.

220505

Smell & Touch

Sense of smell

I notice he smell of washing powder yesterday...
and he wore a different jumper ...
that must be a newly washed jumper...
the smell of washing powder never smell better...


Sense of touch

I notice he shaved today...
very clean...too clean...
I told him I prefer him yesterday...
And he commented that he dun shave very often actually
(then why did he shave!)
and he ask me if he looks younger now...
(I like him yesterday...I repeat)
but he said...it is nice to touch after he shave...
(ah...yah...I wonder how it feels)

220505

The higher I float...the harder I fall...

Just a while after the greatest bliss...
I had the greatest grief for the day..

That girl whom I saw just now...came back...
I can feel that she is here for a reason today.
Just sitting between me and him is obvious enuff...
although it might mean nothing.

I am more hurt than dead now.

She wins the game today...
becos I dun understand a single word they are speaking.
They are fellow greek.

I shall die in pain.

How dramatic...all in a day.

220505.

Paper aeroplane...

I was folding a lame looking tiny paper aeroplane...with some rough paper on the table...
and he said," you dun noe how to make a paper aeroplane..?"
yah...I dun noe...I never noe how to make a proper-can-fly paper aeroplane...
It is a very boy thing....or maybe i did noe how to...but I forget.
And he showed me.
We had a piece of paper each...and we fold one each.

"like dat...like this...and you fold like dat...turn...and fold like this...."

And I did it....he said the trick is...to have a balance paper plane..so that it will fly very far away...

Fly it in the corridor against each other..
...and thought it was fun...

Then he said," Come...let's go to the top floor...!"

"Huh?"

we ran to the lift...

3rd floor...

He forgot to lock his studio...And said..."I hope no one will steal our computer..."
we smile naughtily...as we wait for the door of the lift to open...

3rd floor...

we turn left..MFA studio...and no one is inside...

but...from there...the paper plane will only fly within the building...

and i told him..."let's go to the other side...so that the plane will fly past the road...
we did.

we open a studio window...and at my count to 3...

"One..."

"two...."

"three..."

Two paper aeroplane...

fly....

and landed...

on the road...

we had a little giggle...and went back to our studio..

And that is the happiest thing today.

220505

I was finally back to school at 4pm...

Went in by the back door becos it is sunday and the main door is shut early...
First person I see is him...becos his studio is near the back door..him..and someone else...

I just died.

But 5 minutes later...I went back to his studio...sit down and plug in....
he suddenly say my name...

not Sha...my chinese name...

he ask me how am I today...

and I was alive again.

220505

"You BETRAYED TESCO for him...!!!"

I shall die without any regrets as I have realise how many soulmates I've actually got...LW..actually had a very close to my heart response when I told her I went to Sainsbury yesterday with him....she exclaimed in MSN..." YOu betrayed Tesco for him!!"...I was like...I have never tell anyone how faithful I am to Tesco...and she can actually feel that and say that aloud for me....

Ah...yes....sorry my beloved TESCO. I should never have gone to Sainsbury yesterday...please forgive me...but but....becos you are too far away...

The story begins with my almost empty frigde.
It is going to be empty and hence the need to fill it up.
His as well.
The both of us has been working really hard these days that we are both totally exhausted by the time we reach home and eat up all our supplies...and hence...his fridge and my fridge are empty at the same time. His fridge is not my fridge in case some of you raise an eyebrow.
Anyway...and so...yesterday...a nice Friday...
while we are still in the studio...he suddenly said this to me

"Sha, I am going to leave in a while...is that ok for you?"

Of cos...this is his space.

But I can't help but to ask why?....expecting an answer like..."oh I am going for a drink with friends??...or..i am meeting some friends...or blah blah..."

But no.

He said, " I need to go Sainsbury.."

I replied,"Huh..I need to go do grocery as well...my fridge is absolutely (or almost) empty..."..I am not lying....I really intend to go Tesco this evening even if he is not leaving...i will.

"me too..my fridge is empty too!"...he said.

But his destination is Sainsbury.

For the benefit of my Singaporean friends...
Tesco is like NTUC and Sainsbury is like Cold Storage.

And so...without saying "OK let's do shopping together"...we automatically assume we are going to do that together...but the question is NTUC or Cold Storage...er...I mean Tesco or Sainsbury.

So when it comes to the part when we are both walking towards the city...I ask him...which Sainsbury...?

Becos there are 2...One is a express small one with a steeper price...and the other is a larger one witha friendier price plus with some good discount occassionally...the xpress Sainsbury is 5 minutes walk from school....the larger Sainsbury is 15 minutes walk....and...TESCO...is 25 minute away....

He said...this one...meaning the 5 minute one...
ah...should have known...guys are like dat..they are not particular about price...they just want convenient...I guess..

I plead...."Can we go to Tesco?....

"Nope."....he said.

"Why?"...I asked.

"becos it is too far away....and I am going to take a cab home...it will cost more...", he replied.

Ah..this is the most logical answer becos even me will feel the pinch...taking a cab.

So I forgive him...we go Sainsbury...

But but...

So I ask him again..."Can we go to the big Sainsbury instead of the small one"

"Which big one?"..

"The one Soren and Sandy went to...."

"Ah..that one...mmm..."
Thinking for more than 2 seconds...he replied..."OK."

And so....I betrayed my beloved TESCO...and went to Sainsbury yesterday...
not too bad actually...got a bargin discounted Golden delicious apple for only £0.20!!!
and some usual stuff I would buy usually in Sainsbury...I mean..i do have stuff that I would only buy in Sainsbury...but most of my favorite stuff are from Tesco...but I did grab some essentials from Sainsbury...and observe what is in his shopping basket...and felt rather please.

His shopping list:

Tomatoes
Rice
paisley
canned plum tomatoes
rice
onions
one small bottle of Fanta orange
Lamb mince
chicken
toilet rolls
mushrooms
cheese

blah blah...couldn't remember all...as I am shopping myself as well...

I only bought

Golden delicious apple
Ham
Chinese leaf
rice
sweet potatoes


And yah...end of shopping...we took a cab...
he drop me off somewhere near the school so that I walk home myself...while his cab goes to a different direction.

That's all.


210505

If i win the £29 Million Lottery...

I will...


1. Go buy that pair of shoes.
2. Buy an air ticket home for 3 days...and bring back some stuff for my degree show.
3. Go do laundry in that laundry shop.
4. Go have a nice dinner in a nice restaurant.
5. Take a cab to Tesco.

Wait wait Wait a minute...!!!!! £29 Million...not £290 ...

One more time...

I will...

1. Go to that shoe shop and get that shoe in all colors of my size...and a couple of few more I rather fancy...
2. Buy air tix for my family to see my degree show...ask them to bring me my stuff.
3. Buy a washing machine.
4. Go to a posh restaurant and have nice dinner.
5. Get my housekeeper to buy the Grocery.


wait..!...still not right ...£29 Million...

Again..

1. Go shopping and buy anything...NOT ONLY THE SHOES.
2. Just anyhow graduate and buy air tixs to GO FOR A LONG HOLIDAY.
3. Throw all my laundry...and buy things whenever I want.
4. WHo cares about posh dinner...I will ask my chef to cook.
5. Grocery???!!...not something that should bother me...someone will take care of it.

Is that how a millionaire should behave I wonder...if that is so...i dun think i like the whole of it.
Maybe for a while...it is nice...but...if i am really DAMN rich suddenly.
I just want to relax and do nothing....barefooted...lying somewhere warm and nice...read a book or a magazine.....ah...nice....maybe have a personal art studio...and a study room for me to write some nice books...I love writing as much as making art....and and....now i am really enjoying...

of cos....only if...i win the £29 Million lottery....

Hohoho....I am dreaming again.
Nice dreaming.

210505

One last article...for the day ..I promise...

LAst last!!!...I promise...

The typical cycle of a person suffering from OCD.

Obsessions cause anxiety, causing the sufferer to engage in compulsions in an attempt to aleviate the distress caused by the obsessions. In order to gain relief. Carrying out these compulsions, or rituals, does not result in any permanent change, and in fact, the OC symptoms worsen.

Relief ---->Obsession ----> Anxiety ----> Compulsions -----> Relief----->


200505

An OCD Story

A man can't bear to throw anything away. Junk mail, old newspapers, empty milk cartons all "could contain something valuable that might be useful someday." If he throws things away, "something terrible will happen."
He hoards so much clutter that he can no longer walk thru his house. Insisting that nothing be thrown away, he moves to another house where he continues to hoard.

Sounds like me...move to another country...and continues to hoard...

OK!!!...this is the last OCD news of the DAY!

LAST!

200505

Ahh...sorry folks...

To bore you all with my another OCD...
Obessive compulsive disorder to find out if I am really an OCD....and bombard everyone with rubbish info I find online....about OCD...
Forgive me.
I just need to assure myself...OH NO!!!...another type of OCD..."need to repeatedly assure myself of something"...
If this goes on...I will be crazy...as if I am not now.

watever...couldn't be bother anymore...yawn...

200505...

Similiar definition

Hoarding symtoms-

Reluctance to throw things away, regardless of the value or usefulness.
Rummaging through garbage to ensure nothing valuable was thrown away. Collecting useless items.

200505

More about OCD...

Facts: blue is the fact...red is my comment.

OCD is a medical illness recognized by experts throughout the world.
OCD is the fourth most common mental illness and affects approximately 5 million people in the United States.
People with OCD are not "crazy", although they may sometimes feel that way because they are troubled by thoughts and actions that they know are inappropriate. (I dun think I am crazy..)
People with OCD are often anxious and depressed. (It is a known fact that I have cyclical depression which I enjoy...strangely)
People with OCD often believe they are the only ones who have irrational, obsessive thoughts, and are therefore often ashamed and afraid to tell anyone or to seek help. (I am not ashame of it..in fact I quite like the idea that I am not too normal...and I tell everyone..!!)
Diagnosis is delayed until these symptoms are "unmasked". (this is true...I din realise that...before)
Having OCD is not a sign of weakness or a lack of willpower in stopping the thoughts and behaviors. (Agree)
Although the exact cause is not known, experts believe that OCD may be caused by low levels of a chemical in the brain called serotonin. (If that is the case...I might not be suffering from OCD...I have got good amount of serotonin....and eat healthily...of cos...the exact cause is not known)
OCD is a treatable disease, and effective medications and therapy techniques are available.
Sufferers can get better if they seek help and get the appropriate treatment.

http://www.diagnose-me.com/cond/C167910.html#G744

200505

So many type of OCD....what a crazy world...we are living in...

There are actually all kinds of OCD in this weird weird world...and i am beginning to suspect everybody has their own little obsession....

mine is this...

Hoarding, Saving, and Collecting Obsessions
(Examples)
*Urge to know or remember certain things-slogans, license plate numbers, names, words, events of the past (70%)
*Picking up items from the ground (60%)
*Filling empty space (60%)..er..more like cannot stand a place which is too empty...dun feel comfortable...
*Difficulty throwing things away, even seemingly useless items (90%)
*Collecting useless things (90%)
*Saving or collecting seemingly useless items (75%)

I am suppose to think hard about how strong these aspect affect me...according to this category of obsession...I put a bracket to each example in terms of how intense I feel is relevent to me...but I would like to explain the part about collecting seemingly useless item...my problem is...I find all items useful....nothing is too useless...that is why i collect them...but...for most people...the things i collect does seems useless.

Then...I found some other Obsession which reminds me of some friends...like

Repeating, Counting, Ordering Compulsions
(Examples)
Reading and rereading things, sometimes for hours
Excessive worrying that one didn't understand something one read
Excessive writing and rewriting things
Repeating routine activities-going in and out of doorways, repeated crossing of thresholds, getting up and down from a chair, combing hair, tying shoes, dressing and undressing over and over
Doing certain activities a particular number of times
Counting items-books on a shelf, ceiling tiles, cars going by
Counting during compulsive activities, such as checking and washing
Arranging items in a certain order - books, pencils, cupboards (80%)

I remember my fren LW...always make sure her pencils and pen are arrange in a particular direction in her pencil case...ohh..but only that example....the rest does not apply anyway...so..she is not a OCD I reckon...not like me...who has all the ticks in the tick boxes for my category...

and and this one...which I suspect many people are in a way...

Superstitious Obsessions
(Examples)
Fear of saying certain words because of obsessional beliefs
Fear of using certain colors for superstitious reasons
Fears about deviating from certain patterns of counting, walking around ladders, walking between oil spots on the pavement, etc.
Concern with lucky and unlucky numbers

Or

Ordering and Organizing Obsessions
(Examples)
Preoccupation with exactness, or perfect order
Having handwriting be perfect or "just so"
Compiling information, files, papers, or other items a certain "perfect" way


ah...so many category and examples....
Can we just assume everybody is crazy in some way....
Hence the conclusion is...since everybody is crazy...
That makes me NORMAL.
This is what Yahui told me.

200505

Test...

I took a test to identify OCD tendency....and the results are below...

You scored 6 out of 20 in Part A.(0 indicates no OCD tendencies, while 20 indicates maximum OCD tendencies.)
You scored 5 out of 20 in Part B.(0 indicates no OCD tendencies, while 20 indicates maximum OCD tendencies.)
Based on the above results, it appears you may have OCD or a related disorder. However, only a qualified mental health provider can make a more accurate diagnosis. OCD can be treated effectively and the OCF encourages anyone who may have OCD to seek treatment as soon as possible.

Judging from the above...I think I should be fine...probably a minor case...becos..the bottom line for the test is...as long as my life is not affected by it...I am ok.

Feel so much better now.

200505

Come and go...

Ahh...I finally see my landlord today...and i ask him about the inspection...went on fine...oh..and he told me..Jodi , the room 4 lady (not julie...I mix up her name with a fren)...left for london...and the couple in room 1...they have moved as well..this morning I saw the room opened...and there are newly bought duvet and sheets......everybody is leaving this place except me...

Oh...and I remind my landlord that the bathroom light is still not change...
and he KNOWS!!!!...he said he noticed that for 2 days already..ONLY TWO DAYS...it has been like that since last friday and he only notice it for 2 days...
anyway...he thank me for reminding him...and promise to change today..HE BETTER...Or else....nothing...I will still bath in the dark when neccessary...watever...I am not interested in any thing now...other than my degree show.

Sigh...people come and go...in this place...I am going soon as well...

200505

Where in the world...

is he?

Not online...means not in his studio...OR..maybe he din sign in?...
But where is he...?
I miss him...just a little bit.

Ok...folks...if you want to puke...go ahead.

ha.

200505

Number 1 song in my window media player playlist.

Artist: Connick, Harry Jr.
Lyrics Song: This Guy's in Love With You

You see this guy,
This guy's in love with you
Yes I'm in love,
I love you the way I do
When you smile
I can tell
We know each other very well,
How can I show you?
I'm glad, I got to know you
'cause I heard some talk,
They say you think I'm fine
Yes, I'm in love,
And what I'd do to make you mine
Tell me now, is it so,
Don't let me be the last to know
My hands are shaking,
Don't let my heart keep breaking
'cause I need your love,
I want your love
Say you're in love,
in love, with this guy
If not I'll just die
Tell me now, is it so,
Don't let me be the last to know,
My hands are shaking,
Don't let my heart keep breaking
'cause I need your love,
I want your love
Say you're in love,
in love, with this guy
If not I'll just die

190505

Who, what, how and where...or when?..watever...

Name : Strangecloud

Location : UK

More precise location : Scotland

Even more precise location : Glasgow

To be exact location : EMA of Glasgow School of Art at the moment.

Time : UK - 1855 of 19th MAy

Time again : SG - 0155 of 20th May

Activity at the moment : Online. Listening to the playlist from my window media player. Blogging.

Current Agenda :
Graduation show coming in less than 21 days.
Family moving in less than 23 days.
Had a crush for a guy in school for dun noe since when.

Minor issues :
Fridge is empty, need to buy grocery soon.
The Euromillion is having another rollover again of £29 million.
Had a stupid quarrel online with my brother yesterday.

Current physical condition :
Slight back pain from fatigue.
Hungry becos I only ate an apple and a scone for lunch.
Hair messy from multitasking in EMA for the whole afternoon.
Cold fingers becos windows are open.

Mental condition :
(Of one of strangecloud) Panicking.
(Of another) Wonderfully enjoy the luxury of being online.
(Of yet another ) Thinking of someone downstairs.
Split mental condition

Reasons for this posting : Just wondering.

190505

What I have become...

I have become stupid, retarded, cowardly, irresponsible, insensible, uncontrollable, silly, idiotic, timid, insane, and crazy...lately.

190505

Ahh..glad

I am glad that I have confessed...regardless of whether he sees that or not...probably not...I am now free to blog without worry...it is good to get something off the chest...especially something like this....

anyway...yah...am happy today...

becos I brought an apple for him today.

bring it to his studio...and saw someone there...and put it back into my pocket...

I am even afraid that someone sees me give him an apple...

but i did gave him the apple in the end....

hmm....so nothing actually did happen today except giving him an apple...becos I am in EMA all day doing somethings else...

Ohh...something did happen....

I am not in his studio all day....but I manage to be online in the EMA...and the strange thing is...we talk to each other properly finally...ONLINE.

That is the power of cybercommunication....there are things we dun say to each other when we are face to face...

nothing in particular though...just chat...casually...really.

190505

Latest release...

Ok Folks...enough suspense...I have decided to release my drafted post...becos I think is stupid...becos...he is not going to read my blog anyway...and they are not really that explicit...just some silly girl story....I am just being paranoid...BUT BUT!...if he really does...

Are you listening to me...

Pretend that you dun noe this ...to spare me the agony.

And thanks.

190505

The walk....alone.

Walked pass that door again...as usual every monring...around the same time....and saw the same 2 kids...lighting up their cigarettes...not a deja vu....unless it is a glitch in the matrix....or else...it means they smoke there every other day....at around 10.14am....I caught them again...this time...they din see me....wat a depressing sight to start with for the morning...seeing 2 kids ruining themselves before they grew up...and next...i walked pass a wine glass with left over red wine in it stand upright....on the walking pavement beside the road???!!...how bizzare....must be something a drunkard left yesterday night....becos it was not there when i walk home yesterday....another depressing sight....and then...was the rain...at least...that was the most comforting thing that happens today...becos it soothes my thought and make the air crisp enuff to let me think better...every little drizzle...though they fall on my umbrella and not on me....I can feel the tiniest vibration...that is pass thru the handle of the brolly...that sensitive...I am...in this gloomy morning.

I always like the 30 minutes walk to and fro school....along whichever way i took to school...but this route...is especially nice...I will rewind...and follow up wat happen yesterday when i go to school....and unwind...and throw away wat happen before i reach home...for example yesterday...when i walk home...I was recapping the conversation or should i say the quarrel had wif my bro online...mumbling like a lunatic...wat happen in the studio...my entire day...run thru...wat i have say for the day...and think about what should have done and not done today....updating what kind of things that i might have done ...in my mind...think about a joke i had for the day if i had...and sing the song that i had been playing on my window media playlist for the day that most affect me...while walking home alone yesterday.......and so..i am singing this song from the soundtrack of the movie...ONe Fine day...din have the title...but noes ...is track 11....and sum up the feeling for the day...then throw away everything...and reach home empty. I need to do this...I like this. I love this kind of walk alone...very meditative.

190505

Bitch vs Bastard

My apology for the strong language used...and parental guidance is adviced for the below conversation....

BLUE is my brother
Red is ME.

everything will be move to thailand

I SAY NO!
NO MEANS NO!

least it cheaper when you need to move back
well
it is already settle
you are not in singapore
i will go back if i must
movbe all your stuff here

I have already say that

you slove from THAILAND
so

and everybody agree
so my stuff is my stuff

i need to do what is BEST for the family now
NOT what you think you want

like wat

easy for you to say when you so far away

just move stuff to a room
that is all

and only use mouth to say

yah
you also use mouth wat

move mean need MONEY
need man power
need people to move your stuff
need CAR
need transport
yout hink what

Blah blah blah.....

moving your stuff to thailand is PAID for
your stuff will be in THAILAND

NO

too bad
we BOOKED a mover
it is not for you to decide
is one price

I WANT IT TO BE IN SINGAPORE!¬

then you be back in singapore by june 10th
if not
it will be move to thailand

NO

you creating more problem then is it now
now we got a MOVER to handle all

you are the only one who say it is a problem
ONLY YOU
that means
you are the problem

mother also agree with me

yah
since when
since when?:

i talk to her

when?
tell me?
now?

yesterday

yesterday?
I was talking to her less than an hour
online
she say ok(that I move my stuff to wendy's place)

i will move yout stuff here

no
soprry

i will not change my mind

mee too

unless with better reason
too bad

too bad for you as well

you not in singapore

yah
so
-
meaning

I SAY NO MEAN NO
NO
i move you also LAN LAN
so
hahaha
you can say
i still move
try
i will
-
we will move as one
you are part of the family
final
not a stand alone unit
when you back
means final
you choose what you want
it is decided
i don't care
so
you can sya what you want
and i want it in sg
but you only say and you think about yourself only
i will burn all your stuff if i need too
i don't care about your stuff really
trust me
i don't give a damn about it at all
- you creating trouble for QC and the family
- you think QC happy to move for you
- he just trying to be your brother
so stop creating trouble
we MOVE AS ONE
you ask your friends to come help
you ask your GOOD friend your kinda friendship to come MOVE
not QC
NOT FATHER
NOT MOTHER
you spoil brad
- you are the last i care about NOW
can't you see the family is having enough trouble already
can't you GROW up
you happy when father and mother become more sick
you happy creating move trouble
then we have now
you better wake up your idea
is not about what YOU WANT NOW
is wwhat is BEST For the FAMILY
we MOVing to THAILAND
THAT IS FINAL !!!!
not what you say
good bye
you not happy about thailand you joly well LEAVE
since you say i got nothing tro say
i don't care really
i will not say
buty
but
i will still do what i want
bye
you don't say all this shit when you far away
yep
you do what you want
yah..like you always do
but i say liao
you stuff will be move to THAILAND no mater how much NOISE and shit you want to MAKE
then you come THAILAND slove your problem
-
not say all kinda thing when you not helping abit
GROW UP !!!
all this education only make you a fucking bitch !!!
bastard.. you scold me
yes i am
i am saying so as your brother
yah...i can see that
you can choose to ignore it
no point agreeing
or aguing
i tired to talk to you liao
me too
no point

you know life is not about yourself
is about your family and your history


blah blah blah.....

and you shut up ok

i will do what is BEST for the family
WHEN NEEDED
you win lor
i lose
but my stuff stay
that is
nobody win
i am selffish
we trying to slove problem
i am bad
not create more
i am idoit
i am stupid
but my stuff stay
you are being childish now
stay stay stay
yah
- your choise for yout tsuff to stay is
i am childish
i am
yeah
you arrange someone to move yourself
ok
-
but
when the time come
if we think is not BEST for the family
it will still be MOVE to thailand

watever
watever
watever

you want to break off from the family (look at this bastard!!!!he is putting words in my mouth...it is just about leaving my stuff in singapore...and he said I am breaking off with the family!!!!! SICK!)

you are not the p[erson to have the final say
you are not the perosn
or chosoe what ever way youw ant to lIVE
i don't care
yah
you dun care
i dun care too
yep i don't care
too bad for me
too bad for you
if you don't care
so
that is it
end of conversion
i am sure you don't care what i do with your stuff also (SEE!!! he is threatening me!!!!)
you can save ur typing
tell QC and mum
anyway your powerful speech have no effect on me
watever
yah
- well i am just telling you
as if yours have to me
your speech has no power on me too
tell me lor
i dun care
i dun care
i am tired of your childish act
yah
me too
so good bye

go be what ever you want and if possible create less truoble
stop wasting each others time
ohh...
i never create trouble
do visit mother when you got time
as far as i can remember
she do miss you
I din say I won see anybody
we will see who is a better Child
dun have to say anything lah
you are lor
i am a bad child mah
you sya that yourself
i am not interested to compete with you
you are good
and responsible for the family lor
i am bad and wilful
you become so childish from your education
i am sorry for you
yah
bye now
bye

blah blah blah....and he continue to say the most ridiculous assumption and accusation which is groundless and full of imagination....even after saying bye....

MUM!!!...HeLP ME!!!....SLAP THAT BASTARD FOR ME!!!...I admit I am childish...but look at him.......he is no better...and such a BIG BULLY...authoritative and no room for discussion....he is assuming things like if i dun move my stuff to thailand means i am dissowning my family????!!!...as if if i dun move my stuff to thailand...I am disowning my mum????!!! and even assume that I will never see my family again???!!!...with that statement that BOILS MY BLOOD...he said...."Do visit mother when you got time...she do miss you"......I am on absolute good terms with my mum...and he sound as if I am a horrible disowning family spoil brat who runs away from home and never going to see my mum again....??!!!??...wat is his problem??

And lastly...I would like to apologise to my mum for calling his son a bastard...becos it is actually scolding my mum...but i cannot find a better word to spit him with than this...unfortunately...it implicates my mum....and well...he is lucky enuff that he scolds me a bitch ...and that would only mean he is insulting my kids....(son of the bitch)...watever...my mum must be having a headache now...becos her 2 kids are having a silly dispute...and the silliest thing is....neither both of us in sinagpore now...he is in thailand...and I am in scotland....and...the above conversation is an abstract from our MSN.....

I would just like to highlight...the strongest word I choose to use today is not BAstard which is like asshole or idoit...just about calling names...well if he dun scold me first...I wont scold him.........but.."YOu shut up!"...that is the rudest...to me...hence the rudest...for me today to use this actually.

Sorry mum...hope it doesn't worry you too much...you should be too used to the fact that the two of us quarrel isn't it...not the first...and not the last....as usual.

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This is the black and white 1970 Brazil vs Italy super 8 film I watch yesterday...I took a pic.. 

Wow...

Blog suring is fun....and I am sooo impressed with some of the websites made by many people...hope to have one myself soon...Damn determine to do it...but after i graduate of cos......


and Oh oh!!!....vangelis was telling me about how fun greece is...and i should go there to backpack...i have a fren Deppy...she is from greece as well and she also tells me it is fun...ahhh...I have decided to include Greece in my bacpacking plan...and i am going to schedule 3 months there....I just found out you can take the DIVE master course in greece for free if you work for them for 2 months...as dive master of cos...and...so...look sooo forward to dive for free...so happy.

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An interesting film screening...

i was rather anti social for a long while since i arrive in glasgow and never really did intereact with my classmates at all....but recently...I am enjoying the life of a student fully..like stay in studio to idle...chat with friends...go for openings...go home an cook nice dinner....spend money on my art...do the usual student thingy to eat junk food...and yesterday...I was at a classmate house to watch 16mm film and super 8 on an ancient looking projector...a very refreshing experience...and we had a good laugh watching shows like Squirm...The Omen...Nightmare castle...and a comedy...er..i forget the name...but is about king Arthor...and the title is er...something holy Grail...ah..watever...and we even watch the black and white of 1970 world cup final brazil vs italy!!!!..and saw Pele in action....very amusing...very fun...and very unusual...also becos of the people I watch it with...i was with my studio neighbour Alec...and his roommate Simpo...another classmate of mine..and with vangelis...four of us spend the night watching old old movies...and black and white silence show...fun...and a little stupid...like wat an art student should do...isn't it.

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Arrggghhh...

felt so miserable becos i am hiding the truth from my own blog...my blog...is like my inner self...if i cannot be true to it...what can be worse...yet i choose to block my feelings just becos i am afraid to be found out...such an idoit!!!...can't stand it anymore....argghhhh..!!! stupid girl!!!

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Opps....Gomenasai..(means ..my apology in japanese)

Aye folks....my apology for behaving ridiculously... can't help it...I sort of knew what most of my frens will react to the previous blog...for those who knows chinese....good for you...for those who dun...er...what should i do...should i open a new blog!!!

Help!!!

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The most idoitic thing I have done...forgive me folks...I realy dun want to see myself do this a s well..

I drafted up some of my post just 5 minutes ago which means they disappear from my blog visually...but is still in the server...I did post them 3 hours ago and was in fact onlined....but I sort of remove them...becos...I am so afraid that I could be caught in the act......of of...ah...I shouldn't be disclosing too much....maybe I shall write the rest in chinese now...因为我怕被发现我在暗恋他....明白了吧....最笨的是, 我不小心让他看到这个网址....然后他问我...是不是我的blog....ah....太危险了..他可能随时上网看到的...and I know I am a coward...I REALLY AM!!!!...but I really dun dare!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry to all my friend who cannot read chinese....and those who missed out the precious blog...I promise I will post them back when the tide is over....PROMISED!

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THE LEGENDARY ROOM 2

Did I ever told you about room 2?....This is a picture of ROOM 2...I am in Room 3...the story about this man is...he ran away without paying rents for 2 months....I remember there used to be this stench whenever he opens the door....and went out....those pizza boxes...is like his one years supply i guess...I would say he is a serious obsessive compulsive collector....If you know what I mean....this picture only shows 25% of the whole room...I was so excited to know that someone's room looks more horrible than me...and I inherit some of his stuff after he ran away......my landlord say I can help myself...and I took some CDs...and books...yah...and there was news about him recently....my landlord says...he was now in a mental hospital...apparently...he really is a serious case....but I shouldn't be pot calling kettle black...I am no better.....I know this....

And this is my room in Glasgow...see MY STYLE??!! 

I love to show this pic of my room to my friends....is my room in Singapore...and...this is the picture my lecture saw and said that he would hanged himself if he had a daughter who has a room like me...yah...this is the pic... 

For those who knows what is 13 wonders...and realise there is a missing tile...it is here!!!! ...LOOK!...yi wan!!!

Being alone here can be miserable...but not so when you can have a game of mahjong...which I missed a lot since I left home....I install the game on my laptop now and play it whenever I am bored...and look people....THE 13 WONDERS(shi san yao!!!)...how lucky....

Let there be light please...

It is again about the DAMN lightbulb.
This time...the bathroom's lightbulb is dead...for 3 days...the bathroom's lightbulb is not working and the stupid thing is the landlord did not change it.
Of course there may be a few reasons behind this...

Maybe he din realise it was blown...becos he dun come out at night to use the bathroom...
maybe it is summer and at 10 o'clock it is still bright....
maybe he thinks the electrical bills are too heavy for him...
maybe it is too high and he can't reach it..
Maybe he can't change a light bulb...
Maybe maybe...


And for me...becos I reach home quite late everyday...
I decided not to bath becos it was too dark...
It reminds me of that time when I was too afraid to bathe when I was a kid and the bathroom light is off...
though I can change my own bulb now...
I am just waiting....becos the bathroom is NOT my territory...

and so...for 3 smelly days...I forgo my luxury to bath...thinking...it is ok...since i dun sweat that much...But yesterday night...I thought I had enuff and decided watever...I will bathe...so I went into the pitch dark bathroom....twisted the blinds to let the street lights flood in and bath...

Just for those who might think..."WAT!...you twist ur blinds...does that mean everyone can see you bathing!!!...."....NO...I am at the higher ground floor...although the people from the higher floor from the building 100 metres across might see me...BUT come on....the bathroom is pitch dark....with the miserable street lamp shining thru the strappy blinds...and in the middle of the night at 1am....WHO who??? can see me...???!?
Anyway...yah...I bathe...and get used to the darkness...not too bad actually...just dark.

Manage to have a decent shower...and that is it...

Although I am still not very happy about the fact that the light is off...but am please with myself that I manage to survive the darkness and have my shower finally....

But but...I still hope....

Let there be light please...

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His way...My way...

It was like the movie turn left...turn right...only that...we have already met.
I realise we always go to the same destination using a different route.

For instance, one evening...we went to a fren's studio...which is at the ground floor corner...there are two entrance....and I went in from the front...while he came in from the back entrance...both ways takes almost the same time...and is both convenient...so...we walk there to the same spot...from a different route...stay around the studio and have a chat with that fren....and the funny thing is...we...took the seperate path again to walk back to his studio...


One morning...I saw him...and he walk up the stairs...I was waiting for the lift...and then...I saw him outside EMA which was on the second floor.....looking at the booking sheets...which I am also there to book equipments....and I was amused that we are actually going to the same place....taking a different route...again

Yesterday...we are working on our computers and halfway...we realise it is time to go for an opening for the MFA Interim show....and we put on our coats and prepare to leave....there are two exist form the school...and I walked towards the main door....and he turn and walked the other way...I saw him walking the other way...was amused..and he told me it is faster that way....and I followed him....took the back exist instead of the usual front I would have taken....once we are outside the building....I walked left and he walks right....and and...wait!!!....we turn around...and I told him....did you realise we always walk to the same place using a different route?....he din realise that....but realise that when I mention the last two incident and then this....he was amused ....but this time...he turn left...and say..."we go your way"...


And so...yah...just find it amusing.

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Before sunsets...

Yesterday....was the most romantic day of my life since I arrive...
He was riding his bicycle very slowly beside me...
and I walked beside him...
towards the sun...setting...
it was a nice and lovely view....
nice and lovely mood...
nice and lovely feeling...
nice and lovely atmosphere
and yah...we are sometimes quiet and just walking...
but we do talk occassionally...

It was a nice and lovely day in the end for me....and my fantasy

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His joke of the day...

"Something happen to me today that is never going to happen to you..." he said with his eyes wide open....

I was thinking very hard...WAT!?....wat could have....

He said..."I was drunk"..

ah...indeed...that will never happen to me becos I am allergy to alcohol ...and I would probably die first before I get drunk....so he was right...and I was laughing....

But i reply...I can be drunk too...

"wat?!...with water?..." he said.

Yes...with water.....i can drunk when I want to...even if I am drinking only water...


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MY joke of the day...

I was telling him..."watever I am going to show my tutor today...they are going to like it...!" and he was puzzled..."why?"..

I said.." Becos it is too late to say NO! for my degree show..."

He was laughing...I din realise it was funny...not funny...I was just being sarcastic...but he was laughing...

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EXCUSE ME!!!!

I was standing under a traffic light waiting for the green man to shine...and i heard this familiar voice behind me...

"Excuse me, Miss..."

I turn my head and saw these 2 familair looking boys...I am sure I have seen them somewhere...
but they are not calling me...they are talking to the lady beside me waiting to cross the road...

One is about 11 and the other probably 8 or 9 years old...

"Can you help us buy cigarettes...."

The lady just took the money and buy a pack of cigarettes for them WITH NO QUESTION ASK!

It may be interpret as the act of kindness....or being helpful.....BULLSHIT!...what is this lady doing!!!!!

Now I REMEMBER!

These 2 boys stopped me on my way home along this same street and ask me to do the same thing...BUT...I rememeber...I rejected theor request and told them..." you shouldn't be smoking at this age...(infact shouldn't smoke watever age you are in)...."...and they say..."It was for our mum....!!"......RUBBISH!...ASK YOUR MUM TO BUY HERSELF!!!...wat kind of mother.


Yah...that was how I met them....and today...it happened again...and I am determine to get the bottom of this...I stayed around and watch wat happen despite the fact that I am already late for school....Saw the lady came out with the cigarette...cross the road finally....while I am standing at the other end of the road...WATCHING....


the 2 boys....put the cigerattes in the pocket...and cross the road...took out the cigarettes....and a lighter.....unwrapping the plastic pack of the cigarette.....as they walk into a corner facing door of an apartmentone... one of them give the other one cigarette and he took one himself.......I PRETEND TO WALK PAST THEM AND GIVE THEM A HARD LOOK....and they saw me....while they lighted their cigarettes....they wave and say"hello chinese girl"...looking NOT GUILTY AT ALL though they are caught yet not afraid...


I knew it.
And I shake my head...

I have plans...to actually put notice around that area to warn people not to buy cigarettes for these two boys....I hope they quit smoking...there are better things to doin life.

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I wonder ...

I am just wondering why do I feel particularly restless today...and then i knew why...
I am up at the EMA for the whole afternoon trying to duplicate my video..and whenever the DVD burner is doing it's job...I will take a little walk downstairs...and will end up in that comfy space i have been residing in for the pass one week or more...and will be a little disappointed each time to find that the owner of that studio not around...4 pieces of DVD that i burn....4 times I went downstairs to check his presence...is it becos of the internet connection that his space offer...or is it just him ?...I wonder...

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However...

Something did cheer me up a little...this guy whom has been sawing and drailing holes...in the studio...brightens up my day basically...just like how coffee can perk people up in the morning...he perks me up.


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Pissed off...

Not that people are out to piss me off today...but is my mood...and everything seem to be WRONG! today...so WRONG!...that i felt like kicking people in the ass....THAT PISSED OFF!!!...but...as usual...I will keep very calm and quiet...and suffer internal injuries whom only I will noe how serious it is.

And...today...despite the fact that I have complete a major task...which has been bugging me...i dun have that sense of relieve....becos what is going to come ahead..is going to be BIGGER!

Thus...the bottom line for today's mood...PISSED OFF!

Beautiful Sunday...

And beautiful sun...nice weather...but in this studio...freezing...and I am having a headache now...hence I wanna go home....but before i do...I had to go buy some grocery....so that's all for today...nothing much.


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Weird Feelings...

I have been residing in this space for a while...in someone's studio...nice and comfy...of cos...the main attraction is the internet connection...but slowly...I like his company...although we dun speak to each other all the time...and I am typing on my laptop mostly...and he is doing something with his computer....the atmosphere is lovely. The only sound...is my fingers taping the keyboard...and his processor humming...while he is picking on some techno gadget.
Recently...this is how I spend my time.....with him....even though we dun speak to each other..sometimes...he will show me some of his stuff...and i will show him some of my pic....at the end of the day.... we will say " See you tomorrow..."

This has been the case for a week...since i booked the space to do an installation and his studio happened to be beside it....

and...just few days ago...we are connected...as I add him to my MSN list...we chat online......even when he is sitting just next to me...I will send him a message in our MSN...and he will reply...all that...without a sound...even when we are just sitting to each other...ONLY OUR FINGERS TAPING.....

Weird feelings...really.

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FAQ.

"SO...when ARe You CoMing BaCk?"

This is the Number One Question That I have been asked since I arrive.....
And the answer is....

"I dun noe..."

That's all folk.


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Look...this is Alec...my studio neighbour...I was sitting behind him when i thought...this view is great...plus plus...that is me...see my shoes... 

Ohh...something he said..

I forget to add a part of our conversation ...during that lovely lunch I had with Olive boy....
I told him I am planning to move my stuff from home to the studio....and what i wasn't expecting is when he suddenly said this...

Oh..do you need help?

WAT?(I said this at the back of my mind...but I said...)

It's alright...I am moving them bit by bit...


Like real....of course I need help...and if that is you...I will faint.(and again I said this in my mind)

Actually....I am so puzzled that he is so helpful...or are people helpful by nature?...or he just happen to be a helpful person...I dun noe...but but....I just wonder if he meant what he said...or he is just being polite....and yet then....I wont want him to see my horrible mess....well well...the mix feeling was....even if i suspect he might be a gay....i dun want to scare away a gay fren.


But but...of cos....at the bottom of my heart...I secretly wish my GAY-dar(radar detacting gays)...is not working accurately.

But so wat....?....even if he is not gay...that doesn't mean he will like me.

Nowadays....being a woman is not easy. Not only do we have to search constantly for the man of our life....and before we confess our love for them...or even try to hint them that we like them......we have to first determine if they are gays or straights ....how tragic. What have we done wrong to deserve this.

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So blind.

I am.
I have failed to notice that i have got very interesting clasamate...and felt that it a a pity that i only got to noe them better in these last few days of my studies....

People like Heather...my new good fren in school...whom I wnet shooping with one day....Laura..a very nice albino girl...I always think she is beautiful...becos she is so white.we are talking about some simliar things we do for our art...and i like her work...very poetic.....and she told me about this old fashion book shop which i like a lot....and Sandy...my techno freak classmate who collected as many computer monitors,keyboard, mouse and cables as I have collected my junk...he has got a whole room of computers...in the school storeroom....and I like his new spec...and Vangelis...his digital stuff...that sound piece which I have mentioned...very interesting...I have been residing in his studio space like a parasite feeding on his internet connection...and I am very grateful of him to let me....Alec...my studio neighbour...whom I share the same studio space with...we have coincidently placed ourself in the same space for 2 consecutive year( we got to choose our space every fresh year...putting a number...and we just happen to be together)....but we never tok much to each other...except for leaving notes on each other tables...saying things like " Heres the pen i have borrowed from you..."...and one that he wrote i rememeber " Sorry for the splatter on the wall...I will paint it up later"...and my reply...' It's ok...leave it...I like it"...and ocassionally....when we are both in the space....we are very quiet....one evening however...to my surprise....i saw him hugging a guitar having a drink in Sandy's studio which is just outside our studio....and he plays nice music....surprise surprise....did I also mention Soren...a Danish classmate of mine...he is the joker and graffiti boy.....was my studio neighbour last year .....he is funny and frenly.

And so...yah... I had been blind.
So blind.

But is glad that it is never too late to make new friends.

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OCD

I told Jm that I suspect That i might be suffering from OCD....and I kind of felt very assured that it is fine by his repy.

He said, for OCD as long as my life is not affected by it...it is ok.

Yah...i suppose I am ok.

I hope.

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OliVeR TwISt

I was making the last few bite on my lunch..and i heard someone came into the kitchen(studio kitchen)


He : Oh hi..

Me : (turn around to see who is it)Hi....

He : Is that Miso..?

Me : Close...is green tea...both Japanese....

He : Oh...are you still having your lunch ...can I join you?

Me : Sure.


I lied.
I have already eaten 5 pieces of bread with pate...
and thought I should save the rest of the loaf for tomorrow.
I am finished but i lied.

Anyway, 10 seconds later...he came in again.


He : I saw you very busy in the EMA recently...working on some videos?..

Me : Yah...not my major work though...but i thought it is a pity not to do something about those footage that I have been accumulating...

Blah blah....

He took out his baguette...and cheese...and ham....watever....starts to rip his bread into half and stuff the meat and cheese in it....while talking to me....

I took out another piece of bread and start to spread my pate...the 6th piece of the day...to extend my lunch hour...for him...

so he ask me about what I am going to do for my degree show...or what i had been doing....I told him...the bottles outside the kitchen open space is my recent work...and he is a bit surpirse.....he said it was a nice piece of work...and he thought it was quite poetic...

Ah....he is the second person to say that my work is poetic....which I am really pleased. ...and i hope he really mean it.

And...he also notice the colour arrangement....i have made...of cos...it is an obvious way to display.

oh...and so...we came back to the question about what i intend to do for my degree show...I told him...I intend to exhibit the whole lot of junks in my room....becos I have been collecting junks for a long time and accumulate a lot of things in my room.....I even told him I suspect I might be sufferring from OCD...he thought...i am too calm to be one....becos I can still talk about my condition like a third person....which seems to him...I am still very normal...fair enuff...maybe I am not as serious as I think....

I understand that I am not doing my image any good by telling a guy whom i used to like, that i have messy room and I might be mentally not normal...but i thought...since my crush for him is over....it is ok to tell a fren ...who I am..and not worry about spoiling my image...so...it is a good thing...i am not having extra heartbeats when i talk to him yesterday.

Anyway....we had a nice lunch chat....he finished his sandwich...bite on a pear....
and he run for his lecture....

I am thinking....if i am still having that stupid crush i had for him like last week...I probably would have been dumbfolded when he start to talk to me....but becos I have already gotten over him...it becomes more natural for me to chat with him...like he is a classmate. And...on top of that...I am beginning to suspect that he is a gay...so...I become less touchy and felt very comfortable talking to him now. ...just suspecting...becos there are too many gay element he is emitting....it is a pity...but i made a new friend.


Oh...and before he runs for his lecture...


He : Oh...I forgot your name...your name is?

Me : Sha... and you?

He : Oli....


Ah...
Actually I already knew his name long ago....not that he told me...
I found out accidentally (who am I kidding...ok,I found out intentionally, happy?)
Oh...and did I mention it before?...
Oli is the short for his name Oliver.
And Oliver is Olive boy.
I named him olive boy becos he wore an olive green sweater when i first met him...
and i swear i dun noe his name then.

What a twist of fate.......
And my title for the day...never been as appropriate...

Dedicated to this new friend.

Oliver twist.


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