Feeling afraid...

It is 1.57am...alone in this foreign room.
I am tired...but cannot sleep.
This will be my temporary room for the next 3 days...
and i will have to move again...
I have been staying in different places since I am back in singapore...

So far...I have spend my nights in 4 different places...
and i am only back in singapore for 5 days...

Life here seems to be scarier than I have imagine...

I have lost my ability to be fearless...
Nowadays...I always feel afraid..
Right now..
I am so sacred to be alone in this room...
Which in the past...I would have love this kind of privacy...

To be alone is what i have always enjoyed...
To eat alone...
sleep alone...
work alone..
It makes me feel calm...
and quiet...
That was in the past...

But now...to be alone just frightens me.

Makes me cry...

********

He is gone...
After forcing him to say goodbye...
He disappear from my MSN...
he was never online since...

Yet I kept his contact on my list...

I do not have the courage to delete him.

I know it is silly....
But that is the last trace of him in my memory.

How is he?
Is he happy now?
Is he eating well?

Yet again...Who am I to concern about all these...
I was never anyone to him in the first place...
I was just somebody who happens to be in his life..
to fill up his temporary void...
I can be anybody.

********************

I was watching quite a few korean drama lately...
To make myself love again...
I need to love....
I always need to love...
Love the world...
Love the air..
Love the wind...
Love the rain...
Love somebody...

To love makes me happy...To fall in love...is a beautiful thing....

But after all these sadness that is happens to me...
I lost my ability to love properly...
Don't dare to love...
Don't dare to give...
Don't dare to trust...
Don't dare to believe...
Don't even dare to dream...

And i hate myself for not being able to love anymore...
It makes me sick..
It makes me cry...
It makes me afraid of everything...

Like a fish...washed out of the sea..
Dying...

Someone out there...if you are kind enough to find me ashore somewhere...
Please let me go back to the sea....
Let me breathe...
Let me swim...
Let me be in love like i used to be...

*******************************

3.49am
250406
Singapore