About London...

I HATE IT!
DUN LIKE THIS PLACE....ABSOLUTELY HATE IT!
THOUGH THE SHOPPING IS NICE....I WILL NEVER CHOOSE TO STAY HERE...
MAKES ME CLAUSTROPHOBIC!

Tired....

I am tired...

New girl...me?

You have no idea how many people I have work with in this restaurant since the day it opens....I was told by the head chef who is bonded by the boss....that 8 staff was “chase away” by the boss for the first week....and..subsequently...since I start working in this restaurant....I lost count of how many colleagues come and go...I make a lot of friends though...but they just left....I will try to name a few whom I still remember their names...while the rest...at least a dozen of them...when I say a dozen...i really mean a dozen...(at least 12 or more) they left even before I got time to ask their names...and at least 5 or 6 left after my boss ask me to pay them a horribly miserable sum of money....
The first few colleagues are Kelly who left...and she still calls me occassionaly...Amy..left to study never see her again...Jenny..went back to Malaysia.....Ken left for another restaraunt....Nicole works in Ayr now....Ah Juan...found another job...Ah mun went to London and back to Malaysia...Leo left for Manchester...Daisy left recently..Ah Zheng went to London....Ah fei found another job...Ah yan jie in London.....there are 2 Ah qing...one married the chef and stop working..anonther left....in between...they are Rina...whom I have not work with....but I know her becos Nicole tell me a lot about her...A Maggie...whom I saw only once...the girl with a pair of thick glasses becos the boss think she cannot see....Xiao mei who left last week....Ah rui...who worked for 3 days...Steven...one of my first few colleagues., one Malysian guy whom I thought is a malay but is a Chinese but I forget his name...another Malaysian , another Jenny...a shy girl...., another a girl whom I gave her a mint before she left the restaurant.., Ah shan...whom the boss suspect steal her money...another girl..quite pretty and the kitchen staff loves her but didn’t stay for long and never come back...a guy who worked for 5 hours and sent home by the boss....and numerous (more than 20..and I am not exarggerating)who came for a work trial..of 2 hours and left,,,whom I never get to see but get to hear about them from all my colleagues........about how they are being scruntinise by my boss...and as usual...my boss will tell them...to go home and wait for her to call....which she never do....
So according to my above statistic...there should be at least 40 people who had worked in this restaurant ...including the 2 hours ones....50(or more) people left...in 11 mth...makes roughly 5 a month..which means 1 every 6 days....sigh...and this figures EXCLUDE the kitchen staff...people like Ah Ming shifu...another Ah min ge..Ah qiu, Jin Mao,..Ah bin...another guy who always call me jie guo jie jie...numerous dish washing guy...I couldn’t be bother even to find out their names nowadays...who knows how long they will stay.....I lost count but I bet there are more than 20 kitchen staffs who left.....
The biggest joke of all one day...after my 3 days off....and I went back to work...a new Kitchen dish-washing girl saw me walking into the kitchen....and give me a “who is this new girl” look....she is only “3 day old” in the restaurant...and she actually already seen at least 4 new girl reporting to work and get sack....so when she saw me...she thought I was a new girl...and she told the chef... “look! Another new girl”....I was so amused...and the kitchen staff all burst out into laughter....yeah...I am new...I only work 11month for this boss...

Thru the looking glass...

Opps...if you are feeling lost and wonder why are you reading some stranger's blog...you are at the right place. It really freaks me out a bit to realise that more people is going to "see me naked"...by reading my thoughts...but then...who cares...I dun noe you and you dun noe me....enjoy!..and sorry if you find me boring..which I really am. How is the show by the way...i haven even seen the other works yet.

20/11/2004

Too much pride...

I hate to go to EMA...ABSOLUTELY HATE IT!
I WILL NEVER STEP INTO IT UNLESS I REALLY HAVE NO CHOICE..which I am always left with no choice and i hate it....I AM GOING TO STOP ALL MY DIGITAL INTENTION AND STOP DOING ANY VIDEO AND ONLINE STUFF IN IT.....I DUN WANT TO PRODUCE ANYTHING IN A PLACE I AM NOT COMFORTABLE TO STAY IN!...it all goes back to the same reason that I am NEVER comfortable among the people here...although I know..there are stuff I will eventually need to use EMA...but then EVRYTHING IS GOING TO BE REDUCE TO MINIMAL...no more website...no more video!

FINAL!
END OF STORY.

Oh yeah...that makes 2..

I am touched...that someone is reading..other than me.....that makes 2..or maybe 3...better than none...thanks...

The saddest...

I just check my online stats...to show that I only have 9 views...to my blog today...and that nine views...were done by only ONE unique vistors...who is..actually...MYSELF!...becos I have posted 9 posting...and each time I post...I view my blog...what an irony...that all this time...I am the only person reading and writing my own blog...maybe I should just go back to my pen and paper and write my good old papered..diary.....maybe...

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Analytical review of the Power struggle

I can feel the POWER STRUGGLE in the restaurant....since this Monday...everybody want to be somebody...and me...still me. It’s like I can feel thr rush...like I previously mentioned...but this rush has become nasty...at first...it was just the flow of nature...then it proceed to become the evil forces of power and strength...altogether..they are 5 full time staff on the floor now. Ah Lan, Ah Qing, Ah Yan, Ah May and Xiao Mei....names according to their status... me the part-time staff who ironically is the IN-Charge when the boss is not around.

My job, is to stand at the front line to whoever comes in the restaurant and bring them or allocates sittings....take drink orders....be responsible of all money transaction at the cashier. To be the bartender occasionally, clear plates, fold napkins....Plus doing PR with customers dealing with customers complains and request...taking phone calls for reservations and make stock orders for the chef....

Ah Lan being the longest staying staff after me is made the next potential successor of being the IN-CHARGE in the restaurant...however, that will not be possible becos she dun speak English and cannot communicate well with customers...however...she is smart and willing to learn and hardworking...and the boss like her...she is now in charge of the bar and all the stock ordering for drinks....and she will look out also for the girls in charge of the buffet food...as she is previously in charge of that....if Ah Lan can speak English well....she would be the best person to be the restaurant manager...even better than me....

Ah Qing, very capable as well in terms of running the floor as servers and plate-clearing is able to run the floor without problem taking drinks order and allocate seats( which Ah Lan is also capable of)....often can clear an average of more than 10 plates per round....is as willing to learn as Ah Lan though not as smart...she is hardworking as well...unfortunately like Ah LAn...Ah Qing dun speak English....and she is not as familiar with the bar...but learning to work the tile....

Ah Yan...very sweet girl...hardworking as well and very helpful....also equally eager to learn like the rest of the girls...however she is in charge of the buffet station and sometimes the floor to help clear plate and take drink orders....so not speak English like the rest of the girls....

Ah May...the black horse. That might change the whole situation in the restaurant...becos she speak a little English , from Malaysia. Although she is a new comer and her main job are all side jobs such as polishing cutleries and fold napkins and refill salt and pepper...and also to help take drinks clear plates...becos she is new...she is suppose to know how to do everything before she cam learn other staff...but she skip the part where she have to undergo bar training and she is doing some of the tile....becos she speaks English. And that is HER ASSET!...so in the end...she might be the best candidates in the boss eye to be the NEXT successor of being the manager after Nicole and Daisy left...as for me...the part time...I AM FOREVER ONLY A PART-TIME...so whoever can be in charge is a good news to me...and I can do less things....

Xiao mei, who used to be kitchen staff...doing the dishes is PROMOTED to be incharge of the buffet.....with Ah Yan and mentor..Ah Lan and Ah Qing used to run the buffet but now get promoted to run the floor....

And so...everybody seem to be in the right place at a glance but with the empty post of “person-in-charge” still empty....all the position become sensitive and atmosphere changing......

The only thing that is still constant...is ME.

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( Just a few days after this blog was writen...I was told that Xiao-mei resign and left...sigh...I am not surprise.)

Over-prescribe?

A few weeks ago...i went for an eye test...my optician told me my spec was over-prescribe. And so...I have been looking with an over-prescibe lenses...which means I have been looking more clearly?...or seeing things clearer than I should?....lol...my optician say..it is forcing my eye to work harder....then it should..straining it....in actual fact, I believe there is only one point where it was the clearest...and any other points will be blur...But why is my over-prescribe lens VERY Clear to me...my optician’s reply was becos ...my eye had get used to the over-prescribe condition....which means...my eyesight has become well adapt and worse becos of my over-prescribe spec...and how would he know?.. .if my eye-sight has become worse..that would mean my spec is just right for me and would not be over-prescribe....ahh...all too confusing....but one definitely conclusion from him...is to get a new spec...whahaha.....must be one of his marketing skill to make people make new specs...but I would say...his eye test is really professional....according to him...he needs to get a degree to be a professional optician.....ok...ok...I get that....and I feel it myself...I need a new spec...which I cannot afford...so forget it...I shall live with my over-prescribe spec as long as my eye can take it.


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Shut up!...and go write your essay...!

10 days to deadlines...which I actually have less than 10 days...becos out of that 10 days...I had to go to school...go to work...attend a seminar in edinburgh and start to be a tour guide from the 20th onwards...which means...I have 6 or less day...or...5 days...or 4 days...or 3....or...NONE!.....WHAT THE F**K!..I am scaring myself....shut up and go back to the essay...you a**hole!

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(Notice that all my blogs are written on the 141104...which means I am writing so much of something...but not what I am supposed to be writing...)

XX vs XY

Suddenly...i feel puzzled...by the obsession of women making themselves pretty. The roles change totally...between a male and female....while you thought dolling ourselves up is a female instinct...that is not the case for the animal kingdom...who are suppose to be more primitive than us...in another words....dressing up...should be a male instinct rather than a female. Look at David Beckham....the perfect male species with the right instinct. And what’s wrong with women?....do we have to dress ourselves up to attract males in the first place. I thought they are suppose to be attractive to attract our attention so that we will choose them as father of our child... Or rather...they should be attractive enough for us to choose them, to be exact their sperms for our eggs.....that is how nature function isn’t it? Look at the rooster and hen....Roosters had to do a lot of work to make themselves attractive apart from the crown on their heads...they had to be the ones to wake up before everybody....Look at the peacocks.....spread their tails and seduce the ladies....and so on and on.......
In genetic term....sorry to embarrass myself if my facts are not accurates....but according to what I know....the genes of a female is XX and male is XY...in another words to a simpler understanding....a female is double female...and a male is half female and half male......and on top of this bad news to all the males out there.... genetically YY is impossible...hence there is no such things as PURE MALE....which means...a women is PURE WOMEN...and MEN are impure women with Y deficiency......sorry guys out there if this spoils your mood...BUT IT IS A FACT!...before I stray away and lost my initial point of my amusement about why women are obsess about dolling themselves up becos it is not required in nature sense for us to do so....it is perfectly normal to occasionally dress up to assure ourselves of our own beings....just to make ourselves happy....and not for the guys benefit.....and for me... I hate to dress up.....I am too lazy....although I occasionally did.


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Deadlines...

I have a feeling I am going to be very happy by 24th Nov....that is the day where one of my biggest agony so far comes to an end....the deadline of my essay...good or bad...i have to hand in.

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LoVe-HaTe...RelAtiOnSHiP

There is always this love-heat relationship between me and winter. Although our relationship only started last year. Hate it for the simple reason of making me feeling cold. Feeling cold which associate with the fact that I am not well protected?...from the cold?....makes people feel lethargic and lazy...makes people hungry ...slows down everything......Love it....for the very same reason....and on top of it...it gives me the biggest excuse to eat as much as I like...and not feeling guilty...as I will tell myself...it is ok...becos I am feeling cold and my body need me to eat more so that it can burn more fats to keep myself warm...how can I not love winter for this very reason...even if that is the only reason which is not.

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Eat eat eat...

I have been fueling myself with food for the whole day...but it never seems to be enough...my body must be working very hard now....becos it is burning a lot of fat to keep myself warm...no wonder I keep feeling very tired.


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Deep in thoughts...of thinking

As usual, in the mids of urgent rush and deadlines...I write more junks than the actual essay....junks such as this. ...at 3.24am. This is not unusual...as I like to be distracted by my own thoughts. I like the idea that thoughts take over my rational. I like the way I think suddenly when I am suppose to be in deep concentration. This is me. Confusing...

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A book review...

Reading Sadie Plant’s Zero+Ones...I would say...I feel proud to be a women. This posting is intented to be a book review by the way. For ladies...please go and read this book...for ladies who are technophobic....please go and read this book...for ladies who are technogeek...please go and read this book...for ladies who hate computers...please go and read this book......as for the men...which I almost forget....PLEASE also go and read this book...to realise what is really going on.....And we women are THE ONES!.... bottom line......PLEASE GO AND READ IT!

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Yet another weather report...

It is strange that weather can change in a matter of seconds. But it is not suppose to be strange if it happens in Glagsow.

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Cold Toes...

My toes are feeling cold at this very instant....3.30am...14th Nov...2004...and by the way, my fingers too.

Me...A cyborg?

I was amused by myself just now while I was testing my typing skill...i suspect I can type my words without looking at the key board...or maybe not...but I can type without looking at half of my keyboard....and imagine the position of some letters without actually seeing it. This is what I call the fusion of mechanical tools with human intelligent...or maybe not so much of intelligence but adaptability. While I am getting used to this way of expressing....I need to further fuse the position of the letters in my visual memory like I know where I keep all my vocab in my brian ....although my typing speed is nothing to be proud of compare to many...but is already something proud enuff...compare to myself one year ago. Last year, I remember I can only type with 2 fingers one at a time....now...with both hands...ten fingers...this is what Donna Haraway meant by...being a cyborg. I can feel myself cybrogizing with my new ability to hypertexting my thoughts and express them in letters.... As if I am NEO...in Matrix...I am beginning to see it....the zeros and ones...the binaries among the flesh and skin. Suddenly it all become scary....


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Green Tea overdose

I have never heard of Green tea-overdose...but here I am...feeding myself cups and cups of green tea to let myself stay awake. It was suppose to be one of my secret weapons to stay awake at night to do overnight work....but nowadays...I am losing my grip...and I am suffering from green tea overdose symdrome of feeling sleepy despite after drinking many cups of it...but whenever I have decided to go to sleep and wave my white flag ...I cant sleep...what is this?....is this some kind of joke....what is preventing me from working?...I know what...It got to do with the deadline...it was still one week away...not close enough to drive me crazy....but that is not the point....I dun want to do it sooo rush that I dun have time to make admendment...I want it to be done before the deadline...and make changes....! I hate this...but I just have to live with it....this is me...

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BAd situation...

Today, I was depressed for half an hour at work. Becos I did not handle a situation well enuff. 2 groups of people, a group of 6 and a group of 12....the 6s came in first and I gave them the big seats....but turn out that the 12 who came in din have the big seats.....the BAD situation occurs when first, was a miss communication. AH lan my colleague who doesn’t understand English do not understand what the 12s want unknowingly allows them to alter the restaurant sitting formation to join the tables....when realise something was not right, she runs to me and tell me....I step in and stop them....and look rather unhappy with them...that was when my colleague say she dun noe why they are moving the tables. And it was impolite to anyhow move restaurant formation without informing person in charge....but...the 12 says that they told my colleague and she say ok....I know it was all a miscommunication and nobody is at fault, becos she dun understand what they are saying. They apologise becos they say how cross I looked when I see they reshuffle all the tables and as we know it was a miscommunication....I told them I will try to find them somewhere to fit 12 of them in a line....meanwhile the big group of 6....I decided to request them to shift and “give way”....but then...it will be impolite to move people in the middle of their meal....which I am stuck.....I ask them politely...and they jokingly ask if they can get a discount....I told them I am not the boss and cannot decide on such things...but seriously I would give them a round of drinks if I am the boss. I told them the round of drinks is pay a day....and I cant do that....I apologise even though I know they are joking....and says forget it....and let they continue to stay on the big seats....while I was thinking of any possibilities of joining tables to make up a 12 seaters.....suddenly....the 6 guys pick up their plates and beer glasses....and started to change over to the other seats....I am touched.....I went to thank them but I apologise again saying I wont be able to give them any discount.....along the way...the guys ordered a few rounds of drinks and ask me the if they get rounds of free drinks and I rejected them politely. Especially when my boss is back...then....at the very end...their last round of drinks...I hold the order and put it in my pocket....I gave them a round of last drinks....which is about a 10% discount....WITHOUT MY BOSS KNOWING IT!..They paid without knowing that I gave them a free round and only left me a 40 pence tip.......I went to their table back facing my boss and whisper to the guys that the last round of drinks is on the house and sorry about moving them around.....they look confuse and ask me again as they thought I am buying them drinks....and I told them is ON THE HOUSE and NOT ON ME....which means I treat them free drink without my boss knowing....we gave one another smiles and nods....and they thank me........2 minutes later...a guy from the 6 come to me and gave me a £5 tip. They left and I smile and thank them and full of apology....

I am depress with this incident becos I feel bad when customers are not happy. Feel bad towards the 12 people...becos of the miscommunication....and I should have find out more before I look a bit angry with them and stop them.....I really feel bad and hope I did not spoil their celebration....and with that 6 guys...I hope I have more authorities in the future to gave customers rounds of drinks or discount when unpleasant situation occurs.....becos it is too silly to do things behind my boss back which is CORRECT!....and I hope I dun make their day feel weird, which they initially thought I am buying drinks for them with my own pay !.....and they probably feel bad....lol....

I like being a waitress....it makes me happy when people are happy....that is why I am depress when I din manage to handle the situation smooth enough in time...though rectify in the end...but CAN BE BETTER...definitely.

However, about this job....I am beginning to feel the pressure. That everybody is pinning on me to do things. And pinning on me to cover up for them when they made a mistake. This is the case nowadays in the restaurant. And everybody wants to learn everything but I can only teach one at a time. It is of course easier for me to do it alone but someone has to learn it...and do my job when I am not around....and this is the part I am in a dilemma...if I teach one and dun teach another...I will be unfair...but teaching all will be confusing and confuse the running of the restaurant. People should have specific duty.....so that things are not done repeatedly...or nobody do something,.....it is like a vacuum, becos 3 staff quit their job last week and create a vacuum for people to to rush in and fill up the space....and the impact is ON ME....becos I am like the tunnel for the rushing in...becos whoever rush in...have to first pass thru me.....I get angry with them occasionally nowadays which I never do in the past....and I dun like this.

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The AuRa...

Today is the day which my aura for romance is slightly higher than usual..... It begins from the bus stop where I waited for my bus....this uncle...was waiting for bus 9 and had been waiting for ages...and we began to talk casually...oh...then I realise he is the same uncle I saw a few days ago....and at the same time in the same bus stop....waiting for the same bus....this is what I will call fate. And so to both our amusement we started to chat. He is a Pakistan Tandoori chef and work in an Indian restaurant just across the street....and I jokingly ask if the restaurant is hiring....anyway...i told him I am studying and working...and blah blah....and he ask for my name and numbers....which of cos....I did not gave him. He offer to gave me his number...but I rejected him...becos I told him I will not call. I am just being frank.....but he was friendly.....he asked if I could take a walk with him along the street to the next bus stop which is just very near but I rejected again...partly becos it is not safe obviously walking off with a strange man I met only twice though he dun look like a baddie, but mainly because it was drizzling and my shoes are torn and absorbs rain. And so....to my relieve my bus eventually came and I wave goodbye with a smile....On my way back....from the bus stop to my house....I pass by the usual few mama shops along the street....went into the one where I had been yesterday where I try to collect my lottery winning...yesterday’s winning ticket was rejected becos I went in too late so I try again today...that same guy who was in the shop yesterday with the uncle at the mama shop and know about my winning was smiling at me....and I told him I brought my ticket today....he tried to process but my claim was rejected by the machine which all of us are puzzled about...I tried 3 times and failed to collect my winning.....but then...maybe this guy find me silly becos I look too happy just becos I win a £10...and he ask for my name...and where I am from.....we smile to each other and he told me to come in the morning to try again while I wave goodbye....and say I WILL BE BACK to collect my winning!...and so on the same day...2 pakistani at 2 different places ask for my name. I am beginning to wonder why I attract people from this region....isst becos of my hair....I really dun know....maybe I will ask the guy in the mama shop next time....or maybe...they are just being friendly...and I too sensitive. By the way, did I ever tell you guys I have a Pakistan ICQ friend who always say I am his Chinese princess....LOL...

Fallen...

The guy ask me what song it was....I though he was referring to George Michael’s Careless whisper....but it turn out to be something else. I am not surprised that people like this song, because this is one of my favourite. Whenever I introduce this song to people, it becomes someone’s favourite. Wendy loves this...and Yahui too. I remember hearing this song once in a Taxi...I was lost in a dream listening to it....I remember hearing this song somewhere some place, it always put a smile on me. I am so glad, that they love it. That guy and his group of friends. They say, they are musicians and they perform in Glasgow for one night only. They say this is a wonderful song and lovely music. I fully agree. This song, ladies and gentlemen....Fallen, Lauren Wood. From Pretty Women soundtrack..... ‘you are the one whose led me to the sun....how could I know, I would lost without you....I can’t believe it...you’re the dream coming true, I can’t believe how I have fallen for you....’

Gambler's word

Occassionally, I am tempted. To become a professional gambler. I though gambling is fun, if money is not involve....er....or maybe, it will not be fun anymore if money is not involved ....ah whatever....for me and the rest of the gamblers in the world....it will be it’s best when money is involve and winning....in whatever case, people will lose. This is the biggest irony. The saddest. The pain. However, things like lottery is a little different. It involves a little more. That is, ANTICIPATION. To hope for something or to be wishful is a very enjoyable emotion. At least, it makes people happy. To buy lottery is not only to buy a luck, but also to buy a moment of happiness. The moment which started from the point when you buy the lottery ticket to the point when you know the results. Even if you did not win in the end, you earn that moment of happiness. It is like spending a pound buying a bar of chocolate will rise your euphoria content in your body to make you happy, spending a pound buying a chance should give you the same bliss or more. So, to conclude, I would rather spend a pound buying lottery then to buy a bar of chocolate because first thing first, I hate chocolate which is besides the point, but most importantly judging from the after effect, a lottery ticket could give you a chance to buy as many bar of chocolates as you can ever eat and even if you dun win in the end would only mean a wee bit of disappointment that is nothing compare to a bar of chocolate which can make you FAT!

I am tempted. And so I bought the lottery last Saturday. Wishing and hoping to win the 10Million Birthday draw. I could see a 10 in my mind...and I can feel it sooo strongly. Indeed, in the end, I win....£10. Better than nothing. And you know what, I am with all smiles when I know I win, £10 is not only better than nothing, it is a happy thing. Even the India uncle in the mama shop can feel my joy, he is smiling too when he saw how happy I was when he told me 3 number out of 6 means I win £10.

Glasgow fireworks

To watch the fireworks alone is weird. Not the part about watching fireworks but the part about watching it alone is weird. Despite the fact that I am in the middle of 92 000 people in Glasgow Green, I felt more alone among the crowds than I am at home. At least one out of one people in my own room knows me which is myself. But among 92 000 people....it is the loneliest thing I have choosen to do since I arrive in Glasgow. However, watching fireworks is another issue. It was at the very moment when the fireworks started, that I throw the world behind me. It was then that the world is left with me, the sky, the sound and the fireworks. It was then that I am not alone. But right after the very last sparkle disappear....I am alone again, naturally.
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Numb sensation...

To feel numb is actually not to feel anything. Hence, numbness is a realisation not a sensation. It is concluded and not felt. This is exactly what has been happening to me lately. I have concluded that I had been numb lately. I feel nothing. I hate this kind of feeling or rather I hate the feeling that I cannot feel a thing. It is as if I am no longer living. But then to a certain extend I am grateful to this numbness as it takes away any kind of sensation which includes pain. Pain in the mind not my skin. Maybe I am suffering at this very moment which I do not know because I am too numb now to realise that, and I am thankful to that. It is as if I can control my mental nerves to stop working and make them stop sending signals to my brain telling me that I may be mentally in pain. But then, sorry to repeat, I hate this feeling that I cannot feel a thing. Without the pain would also mean without joy. Simply because, I am numb, remember? To not feel a thing would include not feel the joy as well. However, no joy does not necessary mean sadness. No joy only means no joy. Numbness is just nothing. I am beginning to wonder if this is the so-called enlightenment one can achieve. If that is the case, I hope I am not that enlightened yet. As for numbness, I shall blame the miserable weather for it, while I know it will go away. Finally, I would rather cry and suffer because I know love and happiness comes with it.

Too numb to feel the heart beats....

I have been heartless lately....or maybe it is simply too cold and numb for me to feel that my heart is still beating. Sometimes...i suspect i am heartless...especially when i keep telling people i dun really miss home.One thing for sure, I dun call home. I never have the habit to...but occassional upon request...I will make a short phone call phone to tell everybody i am fine. Today, i call home. As usual, we talk about the same thing.....the same people, same problem. But today, something is different. My mum told me she sprain her waist and had problem walking properly. Suddenly her voice sound different. Not as if her pitch chamge or she speak in a different language....but it was me. Her voice sound different, becos i suddenly realise my mum is getting old....just one year away from home...and she is old suddenly...well maybe not suddenly but I only realise it now...and this realisation almost make me cry....perhaps i have been too heartless to notice anything nowadays... perhaps...I am just being too self-centred to notice anything...perhaps...I am just numb...numb becos of the cold and miserable weather here....too numb to even feel my own heart beats...