Clothes drying machine...

I was telling YH about how i feel when i saw the clothes drying machine...
She gave me a very surprising answer...
"you will be surprise...there are people who really needs one..."
Which is her.
She dun have a place to dry her clothes...and if outdoor...is expose to rain...and no one is looking after the clothes...anybody can take away their clothes...
Well...I guess...it does makes a difference the kind of condition and setting you live in.
It just happen some people just need a clothes dryer.

Oh well.

I HATE WRITTING FUNDING APPLICATION

HATE HATE HATE!

Hole in a pocket.

I am suddenly very poor this month.
I will only recover at the end of the year.
But...life have to go on.
And I cannot give up!

JIAYOU! JIAYOU! JIAYOU!

???!!!???!?!?!?!??!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!???!?!

Have you seen this ads on the MRT train before?
I took this photo just yesterday.
In fact I notice this advert long ago...
Yet everytime I saw it...
I couldn't help but to wonder
WHO NEEDS A CLOTHES DRYER in SINGAPORE?
Although I am aware that in some high class condo you are not allow to air your clothes into the sun like in a HDB flat...and some might need a dryer...
But bUT BUt but....
I still dun understand HOW THIS ADVERT MAKES SENSE.
"We use lesser energy...blah blah...save you blah blah amount per year in energy cost..."
???!??
HELLO! This is SINGAPORE.
THE SUN IS FREE.
FREE! FREE! FREE!

More than beautiful.

I love to dive and one of the main reason is this.
More than beautiful,
They are simply SUBLIME.
But this picture is taken in JR's house...
In order to own beautiful things...
Human beings remove them from their nature habitat.
They are beautiful..but they will be even more beautiful if they are in the sea.
Though I am really thankful for this photo opportunity
to take a picture of the coral up close at the comfort of a tank...
I still feel sad that it is taken out of the sea.

As requested by LW.

A lovely pair of apples drawn by LW with a little help from me.
By the way, I have eaten them and they are yummy.

I feel sad.

I met an acquaintance today.
He is a good artist.
I have to admit I love his work.
I first saw his work in SAM...
A slide show of food he ate while he is studying overseas.
My work in glasgow is similar...but more general...
And should I say...with my personal touch...
I like to keep paper trash...and daily stuff...
I love his work...
But I feel sad.
Because he had done all the stuff that I wanted to do BEFORE I CAN DO MINE.
One of his works...
Unpacking London...
as he was unpacking and documenting this he send back from london...
I felt likel...being overtaken by a fast car on an expressway...
I actually wanted to do mine...which was...erm...TOO LATE.
Sometimes in art...first come first serve is important.
When u are slower ....you are copying.
But still I love his work.
Nevertheless.

Maybe we share a lot of similar sentiments.
Maybe he will like my work too.

:)

Text-based installation

I just found out on monday...
I love to use text in my art work.
I will show something mundane but change it's meaning with text.
I like to use text to maneuver and present my ideas.

And so far...I am happy with my text base work.
And began to see some repetition in terms of style.
Maybe using text together with objects is my style.

I am starting to see some light now.
And that is something I am happy about.

Oh...suddenly...I have this thinking...
Maybe my blue is due to the fact that i was too happy on monday
That I have found some distinct style in my work...
that i have used up my happy quota for the next day..
hence...I feel blue today.

That could really be the reason.
Really...really really really...

This is a happy day...

I ask my student to write a comic strip story
about anything they like.
And I got this from a little girl.

Eligible(perfect) vs Suitable

First of all,
Let me just admit that I am aware that
those cute and handsome guys from korean drama...
DO NOT EXIST IN REAL LIFE.
Or maybe as far as I know.
Maybe there are...but I have yet to meet any.

However, I would like to clarify the idea between
ELIGIBLE (PERFECT) and SUITABLE.
This guy may be perfect.
All the girls like him including me.
BUt he may not be suitable for me.
This I am fully aware.
Notice I used eligible with a bracket perfect beside it.
It is just the normal way of understanding how the normal people will see...
very eligible guy as the perfect guy.

Maybe my friend YH did not realise that her best friend has grown up.
As she always insist that I am still the me she knew 10 years ago...
When I told her how obsessed I am with korean drama and the guy in it...

Meanwhile...
Let me give an example to illustrate my point.
Well...this guy may be perfect.
He is rich and handsome.
Well dressed and well mannered.
Act like a prince charming.
But...in real life..
He will scare me off...
Erm...to be precise..
I WILL SCARE HIM OFF.
Hence this is a case of perfect but not suitable.

This guy may be sloppy and casually dressed.
Unshaven and wear dirty jeans.
But he may be my cup of tea.

I can only imagine this much as I have got no idea who is suitable for me yet.
So far...
There was once in my life that I thought
I had found someone perfect FOR me...
which i though was suitable for me...
Turns out...
It was the worst choice I have made.
Hence...I cannot gauge who is most suitable for me now...

Until I meet the next.

Meanwhile...
I am not looking for anyone perfect.
No one is anyway.
Just someone who is suitable.

Word Verification.

Did anyone of you out there notice that the word verification
is getting harder and harder to recognise??

I remember doing word verification in the past
and felt insulted when i have to verify ABC
to prove that I am human...

After getting used to this system for a while..
I get annoyed again...
this time...
by how difficult it is getting..

Why I feel blue today?

Man.
Likes to solve problem.

I was telling JM about my blues today...
I just wanted to tell someone.
Becos I believe by telling someone about my sadness...
I will release that sadness in me...and be free of it.

But I ended up doing analysis with JM about why I am feeling blue.
That was hard.
He is manage that quite well.
And the root of my sadness was MONEY indirectly.
which is a good try.

As my day proceed...
I was sharing my woes to as many people as I can get my hands on...
I begin to realise another source of my blue.

I actually had that moment in me today..
To think of just giving up art...and just settle down to find a full time job.
Actually...if i really do that...
All my financial issue will be resolved.
But the tot of giving up art...
Upset me.

I am not sure which part of art I cannot bear to part...
Sometimes I wonder if i really passionately love to produce art...
As I do not have the motivation to produce them sometimes...
As there are no incentive to.
The more i produce...
the more trash I create.
I can't sell them...and not meant to be sold.
And i wonder why i produce them
and after spending time and money to make them...
they worth nothing.
Maybe art...can be reduce to the level of apreciation...
or even teaching for me...
And I shall just live with that...
But the thought...makes me sad.
What exactly do I like about art?
What is it that i really need about art??
I do not have a concrete answer yet to that.

But I am sure...I am sad today...
More or less because...even though I am free for so many days...
I did not spend more time with my art making...
And i just wasted my time away.
I am afraid that I am just using art as an excuse not to work hard.

That is why I am feeling blue.

Chinese contemporary artist from China.

Painting by Yue Min Jun

Last week a few of our colleagues gathered for
a small party to bid farewell to a fellow colleague
who is going away to study.
As we are feeling cosy and nice
in the dimly lit office...
One of my colleague(from Lasalle) commented
that she do not like NAFA.
I just smile. I am proud to declare I am from NAFA.
There are things I don't like about my school as well.
Just like when she will also complain about her own school sometimes.
But she gave a reason that I cannot accept.
She said...there are too many CHINA student in NAFA.
Not that she is discriminating against them she claim..
she insisted that it is about nationalism.
I cannot keep my silence anymore and rebutted her.
There are nothing wrong with chinese student from china.
In fact, most of them are way better than us.
Then she admit..."yes they are better in techniques....but"
She is trying to argue that..they are just good in technique...
and cannot compare in terms of conceptualisation...
from what i can understand...as her arguement moves along..
I can only say..she did not realise what is going on in the global market.
Not to mention those work of art from china which fetches millions...
China Conceptual artist are now making bombastic,
radical, outrages and experimental art beyond our imagination.
And their skillful technique...is merely part of their asset.
To enable them to express.
Having impressive skill in art making is like having a good tool.
If the artist do not have essential concept about their art...
their work will only be worthy as craft.
However...if an artist over conceptualise their work...
but is not able to visually express themself..
it will then be worst then a piece of craft.
For me..
I conceptualise..yet...I am constantly reminding myself..
To improve my skill to express my concept vividly.
Finally, as someone who once studied overseas...
I realise the importance of accepting and learning from differences.
If techinique is what most singaporean artist is lacking,
then it is the best opportunity for us to learn from those
who are better then us in this area.
Disliking them...will not improve our ability.
Learning from them is my best advice.
As for concept...
honestly...singaporean artist are sometimes
too rootless to define ourself in art...
and we end up...
mostly producing "western-like" art which lacks identity.
Sadly, that is most of the case.
Look at a piece of painting from China..
you will probably know it is from china...
the moment you see it.
Their political references...their skills and craft...
is simply too distinct.
I do not like to admit myself that I am guilty of being inferior as compare to fellow chinese from china ...I am a chinese from Singapore.
Let's just say...
We still have a lot to learn from each other to be fair.

Feeling blue...

I am feeling rather blue today.
Strangely.
I am not happy at all that I have 10 days of NO-Work.
I should be doing my art.
I have been complaining about not having enough time to do my work.
Yet, when I have time I don't know how to start.
I feel lost.
Out of these 10 days...
I used one day...to finish my proposal for esplanade.
I used one whole day to sleep.
I used another day to surf net watch online videos...
and one day to feel lost.
Today is my 5th day.
I suddenly feel BLUE.
I felt horrible.
I dig out my canvas and start to prime my old canvas.
And still feel blue.

How?

Annoying things...

1. Board the MRT with a pregnant lady. Means the chances of me getting the next available seat on the MRT is ZERO.

2. Waking and saw a whole table of food prepared for lunch...with a WHOLE DUCK, a pot of soup, a pot of toufu dish and a pot of preserved vege...EACH POT...is usually enough for my usual family of 5 to eat for 2 meals. Yet..all these...is only for 2 people to eat...and my nanny claim all these food will last us for 3 days..which I dun believe her. Because I know she will end up throwing all the food away if not finished by tomolo as she always do. I HATE WASTAGE. AND I HATE FORCE FEEDING. I am that kind who will eat and eat and try to finish up food...so that food are not wasted. But living with someone like that...It just makes me VERY ANGRY. I do understand that people will say...I am..."shen zai fu zhong bu zhi fu"...but...honestly...eating is NO LONGER A JOY to me sometimes because of her. If I ever get aneroxic...that is because of my nanny. Ok ok...I am spoiled. I should be glad that someone cook for me. But i really cannot stand it.

3. I am annoyed by myself and feels guilty than I cannot appreciate my nanny's love.

4. I dun seem to have the concentration to do my proposal.

1..2...smile...

More smile...

Smile...

Some father.

I had an annoying student this morning.

She asked me "Teacher, are you from china?"

I reply by asking her "why? So what if I am...so what if I am not?"

She answered.."My father say you are a china woman."

His father saw me for less than a minute at the school gate when he sent his girl to my class and he made such a comment.

I am pissed.

Not because they think I am from China.

I dun mind if peope mistaken me as a china chinese.
Afterall, I am a chinese. I am used to being mixed up when I am in UK.
But when I get mixed up in Singapore...
Most of those who think that I am from China...
will carry tone of despise when they have such assumption.
I ask my student,

"so is you great grandfather not from china? Isn't your great grandfather a CHINA MAN.
It doesn't matter if I come from china or I am born here. It doesn't even matter if I am not a chinese. As long as we are all sitting around this same table, we are equal."

Her father is teaching her to discriminate her own race.

Halfway through my class...when i am teaching my lesson...
This student said,

" My father said art is NOT important."

I wonder why her dad sent her to my class if he thinks it is not important.

She refuses to do her worksheet properly...and emphasize that her dad says...art is not important and there is no need to put in any effort to it.

"My father give me a lot of worksheets to do...and he says no need to spend too much time in art"

I tried to tell her..ART is equally important to all her other subjects...though it is hard to convince her...becos art is sometimes NON-EXISTENCE in some primary school.
Even teacher is school sometimes ignore art lessons.

"Well...you can hate art, but you cannot say art is not important. If not, I can say Math is not important to me as well. " I told her.

She won't understand my arguement, she is only primary 3. I was just being childish and want to make silly arguements with children. She is a bright child I have to admit, but unfortunately very annoying. What I want to say is...I don't blame her...because a child will become what their parents teach.

At the end of the day, I can only conclude...
Though I only saw her father for less than 1 minute
and cannot even remember how he looks like.
BUT HE IS DEFINITELY A VERY ANNOYING PERSON.

Fathers' Day

Today I saw some text in front of a shop...
apparently to promote fathers' day...

"My father teach me about life not by his words..
but by how he live his(life)."
Something like that.
I suddenly feel so proud of my father.
Because my father teach me about life by how he live his as well.
He may not be perfect, but I am proud of him.

The Lee foundation...

I am suppose to finish this up last week...and I couldn't bring myself to do it until now.
I just feel too lethargic.

Happy Duan wu!

I happen to look at the calender...and realise today is Duan wu.
Dragon boat festival.

I had eaten my rice dumpling last week.

And I wonder if my parents made and eat some dumplings..

Weird thoughts...

I woke up in the morning thinking and counting to myself how many compound (2 characters chinese) surname are there altogether I can think of. It kept me awake for at least 10 minutes...until I fell asleep again.

I came up with...7 examples.

1. 歐陽
2.上官
3.司徒
4.司馬
5.公孫
6.西門
7.皇甫

I was pleased with myself then.

A few hours later...I woke up and couldn't help but to google for more examples.
I am sure there are more which I cannot remember.
And so I was right...
These chinese compound surnames are called 复姓. (Fu-xing)

Here are more which I guess you might find familiar too..(if you read as many chinese sword-play novel as me...or watch as many...)

1. 淳于
2. 東方
3. 獨孤
4. 呼延
5. 令狐
6. 慕容
7. 南宮
8. 完顏
9. 夏侯
10. 長孫
11. 諸葛

How about that!
I am done with this weird thoughts for the day.

Thank you for reading.

Boys and girls from the Holiday Drawing workshop =)

Thinking about my future.

I guess I am done with my grief.
And after griefing I need to move on.
I have been planning for my year ahead.

Should I go back to UK to work first?
Should I stay until September next year?
I wonder if JCCI would suddenly decide to open the application?
It is not a bad idea to be back in Thailand for a longer holiday.

To have a lot of choice..means I am still in bliss.

Afterall, the choice is still mine.

Then, recently...I have been asking myself...

"Is it ok if I don't do MA..can??ok??"

I need to address this.

Afterall, I want my MA experience to benefit my art practice.
If I am independent on my own...to practice, I probably...can do without my MA.

I am just thinking.
How confident I can be.

Oh well...just for now..

I need to think.

Second Choice.

My life...very interestingly is a result of second choices.

When I was a little girl in Primary 6...
RGS was my 1st choice for secondary school..
I ended up in RV, my second choice.
Turn out to be...not bad.
I enjoyed my days in RV and made valuable friends...for life.

When I was in RV,
Hwa Chong was my 1st choice for Junior college...
I ended up in NJC, my second choice.
Turn out to be..GREAT.
I enjoy my days in NJ and made more friends...
Found my dreams and made up my mind to pursue alternative.

When I was in NJC,
I thought I will choose Lasalle to study my art...
The fees then was too high...
I ended up in NAFA, my second choice.
Turn out to be...full of surprises.
I enjoy my days in NAFA, and as usual made more friends...
And carve a new path for my life.

When I was NAFA,
I wanted to study pottery...
I made a silly mistake because of a
misunderstanding of choices of coursework...
I ended up in the sculpture department, my second choice.
Turn out to be...FUN!
I enjoy my days hiding in the workshop to make things I like
Made sculpture my major and change my life.

When I graduated from NAFA,
I wanted to study in Edinburgh College of Art.
I ended up in Glasgow school of Art, my second choice.
Just because I happen to walk past GSA's booth
at an educational fair...
Turn out to be...days I never will forget.
I feel proud of myself remembering how hard I work to complete my studies there.

After I graduated from GSA,
I wanted to pursue my MA in Tokyo.
That long awaited MA scholarship which I am finally eligible to apply for.
I was inform on Monday...
They intend to cancel the offer of this scholarship.
What's new?
My life...
I suspect this time,
I will end up in Rotterdam, Piet Zwart for my MA.

My life...not too bad...even though not made up of first choices.
All of them turn out to be...of no regrets.

That's life.

My Life.

Thank you, LW.

There is this chinese saying...

塞翁失马 焉知非福

(Blessing in disguise)

To me, I want to see this JCCI incident as such...

Yet, at this moment, no matter what, I am in pain.

I will sometimes went into a daze to enjoy my own depresssion.

I am depressed.

The wait is too long.

Yet in the end...for nothing.

I am angry to be exact. With myself mostly.

Even YH and SY , my two best friends, did not see the important of this scholarship to me.
Not being able to fufil this scholarship dream will affect my life for the next 10 years.
My art practice, my home, my space, my savings, my family, my location, my way of life, the language I will hear around me, the weather around me, my skin condition, my diet, the air I breathe in, the food I eat....who I will meet.

I am sad because I am at lost.
I cannot visualize myself anywhere doing what and for what.
I am LOST.
Even though I actually did prepare myself a Plan B to go Netherland to study my MA if my tokyo scholarship fails...I did not prepare myself to jump into plan B before I even try Plan A.

And at this moment of grief...
Someone manage to divert a ray of hope into my depression...
And shed me new lights...for my future...
LW.
I would like to thank her with this post.
She manage to cheer me up in the mids of my angst with one sentence.
A brilliant twist of the great wisdom of 塞翁失马 焉知非福 from our chinese forefathers...

She said,

"Maybe you are fated to marry a Dutch."

Hmm...yah.

Why not.

Over cried.

I woke up just now...feeling thirsty..
and..with swollen eyes.

Due to...excessive crying.

I was sobbing to a MSN screen in the middle of the night while telling JM how sad I was because of JCCI.

Nevertheless, it is not finalised yet.

I shall keep my fingers crossed until the very last.

When it comes to such times in my life...

I kind of miss RS.
She would have understood my pain.

It is time.

If this decision by JCCI is confirmed.

Something flashes across my mind that it is time that I need to do something.

And it will be done.

It is time.

Fate to be NOT FATED TO BE.

There are only 3 occassions when I vividly remember that I need to call someone and cry.

1. One, when I was in glasgow. On the verge of breakdown because I was too poor to pay school fees and work like mad yet almost cannot pay rent, nothing left in the fridge to eat, and no time to go studio to do my art.

2. I was broken-heart and thought I will never love anyone again. ( And still cannot love anyone now.)

3. When I heard news from JCCI that they intend to stop the scholarship to Tokyo this afternoon when I called. This decision will change my life.

I was crying over the phone when I was talking to YH. Or should I say...I was only capable of crying and not talking at all then...after a few hours, I called her again, because I could call no one else. Maybe YH was trying to console me and suggest that...I did not really want the scholarship as much as I appear to be. I just want the money and go travel. But she underestimate the importance of this scholarship to me. It is not only the money. This scholarship is something that makes me work very hard for the past 7 or 8 years...I couldn't remember exactly. I wanted to apply for this scholarship when I was in NAFA. Back then, it offers BA. After I graduated, it changes it's policy and only offer MA. I had no choice but apply for my BA in UK. I finish my BA...but did not to rush back for the interview 3 years ago...because i was in love with someone whom I thought is more important than my dream. I was wrong. I missed my chance. Then, I came back with a broken heart. I thought I shall wait. For another 3 years. And now, It is time again to continue this dream, yet...I was told...they intend to cancel it.
Though it was not finalise yet, but the potential of it...is making me cry already.

I feel so angry that I was not even given the chance to try.

I am crying even now...while I am typing because I am angry.

Now...my mind is a blank...

I don't know how to continue my plan now.

Uk again or Holland?...SG?

NAFA or Lasalle? Sotheby?

Stay in SG or Thailand or Holland or UK?

Which scholarship?...Scotland? NAC?? LOTTERY?

What kind of art?

What kind of job can feed me???

I am thinking...as if I can think...

My mind is incapable of logistics anymore.

I can only weep. Crying over something I cannot control.

Maybe this scholarship is not meant for me.

Maybe it is my fate to be NOT FATED to be.

Let's hope they change their mind.

I would accept my fate if I applied and they did not choose me.

But...not when they did not even give me a chance to try.

Cloud boy.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce my new creation.
Cloud boy.
I am never good with illustration...but I want to try.
This is a character that in many sense resemble myself.
Cloud boy loves to put on jumper
and wears a head-dress that is in the shape of a cloud like my curly hair.

My heart stopped.

I called the JCCI today as I am getting impatient for the long awaited application of the scholarship to be opened.

The man over the phone with the usual japanese-accented english told me...they are still deciding whether they want to open the scholarship this year and they might stop the scholarship.

My heart stopped.
For a second.

Deep breathe...in.

Deep breathe...out.

This decision will change my life.