Mixed feelings...

Can't wait to be back home...every day...every second...yet..a little sad that I am leaving so soon...counting days...for the day that I will be back...counting days for the day I am still here....it is a mixed feeling...although there is really no reason for me to stay anymore....but somehow...there seems to be something not finished here...something to be done...

Happy and sad...at the same time...
hate this place to a point....yet suspect I will miss this place...

Glasgow...take care...


Love,
chyiyun
271105

Painful Disappointment, Quiet Grief and Scare the hell out of me Fright....

There is these battle of emotion lately in me...
First, it was pain......to be exact...
it was a painful disappointment that he wasn't the one...
which makes me cry whenever I think of him...
He wants me to smile when I think of him....But i can't...so far...I can't...
There is always tears...
And i become so sad...
I just dun want to think of him any more....

Then It was Grief...
A very quiet one...
That stir a barely visible ripple in my heart...
Someone passed away...

Then, the Fright...
which scare the hell out of me....
that I naively think by SCREAMING....
the mouse in my room will go away....

All these....came together last night...
in a total shock....
I lost my ability to feel...
For a while...the next morning...
everything is in a daze...
disappointment, grief, and fright....

Life is strange...

16/11/05

My dear few friends....in Glasgow...

I dun have much friends in glasgow...
All the dearest are back in Singapore....

But right here...I do have a few...
One of them...is Heather.

One of the few friends i watch movies and go shopping with....

Then...It was taka, her room mate...whom become my friend...becos I am always at heather house cooking or eating something....

slowly...the 2 of them become great pals to me...

I guess i will miss them...when i leave....
my 2 good friends...

Heather and Taka...

Thank you.

16/11/05

Passed away...

I learn about the news when i was queuing for my burger at burger King...
My mum called me.

My mum say...he died peacefully.
She was crying...
I cried.

And after that i have been calm.
It is a strange feeling.
So far away...
Someone left this world.
Quietly.

It just feel too strange...he always had been part of my family....
he was always there...the moment i was born....like a quiet elderly....
sitting on a chair quietly most of the time...sometimes smoking...

He never really speak to me...
Or maybe becos I never really speak to him...

Strange feeling....
Strange...

A sense of lost...
Like something left the world...
Yet...the world goes on...as if nothing has change....

Quietly...

13/11/2005...5pm Glasgow time

My new flatmate...

Let me just give it a name to acknowlege the fact that I have no choice but to accept his existence.
Let's call it "furball".

"He"...I would prefer to address it as a "he"...to personify him...in attempt to show my greatest respect...
He appears out of nowhere yesterday night at around 4am, while I am watch the late night asian movie, IRON Ladies...
as i was laughing while watching the funny Thai movie...TO MY GREATEST HORROR!!!!....I saw something crawl passed my carpet.....WAIT!...no no,....it can't be...I must be tired or something....4am....I must be seeing things....but...I have a feeling it is real...and HAIRY!...WITH A TAIL!!!...

AND MY HAIR STAND....

WHAT THE HELL is that....!!

it creeps....

AND SHIT!...4am...who am I suppose to call for help....WHO CAN HELP ME!!!!

I send a text to V....my ex bf...but his mobile is switch off...as usual...i am not surprise...

NO ONE....no one can help me now...HELP!!!!!!!!...

In desperation...I CALLED MY BROTHER IN THAILAND!!!....
and told him something terrible has happen!!!! and told him I am very frightened then....
BECOS OF A STUPID MOUSE....
I ask him to call me back as my mobile is low on credit....

as the phone ring....i burst into tears ....then...the SCARIEST MOMENT....the mouse start to crawl CALMLY TOWARDS THE BED!!!....NO NO NO!!!!...GO AWAY!!!!....Dun COME NEAR ME!!!!.....I was half screaming and crying....on the phone.....and the mouse just crawl calmly....as if he did not here my scream...as if he was deaf....OR i suspect he is also blind!!!!...becos my lights are on...and he still dare to COME OUT!!!!......then....he turned left toward the bedside table and went underneath....and he disappear....i become so paranoid....I just stand on my bed....and cry over the phone...while my two brothers in thailand tries to calm me down..(half laughing....or trying very hard not to laugh)....it is funny....if i were to watch some movie and see the same scenerio...i probably would also laugh....BUT...now that the mouse is less than a metre away from me...IT IS DAMN SCARY!!!! SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME!!!!!....and what is worse...is....if the mouse is frantically running...it means it is afraid of me...and hears my scream....BUT NO!!!!....it crawls....CALMLY...and slowly...like i say, as if it is deaf and blind....freaks me out...which means...IT IS NOT AFRAID OF ME....which means....it could just crawl towards me....like SADAKO!.....slowly!!!!!!!

I couldn't sleep...and hide myself under my blanket.....until the next morning....
I had to check to see if the coast is clear before i get off my bed...and run to the toilet...
IN CASE I RUN INTO HIM....


V text me the next morning...and says i should feed him and make friends with it.......
My landlord was laughing when i told him this....he said,"shiah, there is nothing i can do..."


The ultimate was...an email from V saying..."say hello to your new flatmate".....

I guess i have no choice ....BUT BUT BUT.....I just hope my new flatmate and i will live in peace...
Just dun come out to scare me....or jump out from no where.....
The idea of seeing him again is enough to send a chill down my spine....

PLEASE PLEASE.....PEACE!
The room is all yours after i leave, Mr Furball....
Just let me sleep in peace...
OR I WILL SCREAM!"!!!!!!

16/11/05

An email...

Received an email from him yesterday...
was actally quite touched...as apparently...no one misses me...as I haven receive any emails from anyone for a long time..
At least he misses me...I mean...as a friend...
Took me i day...to hesitate...
and the next day...to have the courage to reply his email...
At least...I was telling myself...how difficult could it be...
As I am quite convince that I am..sort of quite get over him already...
So what could be so hard...
And I start to write a reply...
At first...it was the usual nice and polite way to write an email...
then...at the end...
I wanted to be trueful...
so I wrote...
"You dun have to see me before i leave...if you are busy...I am fine...
maybe it will more beautiful just to think of you....even if we might never see each other again...it doesn't matter anymore...nothing matters..."


And i started to cry...

So I am not over him yet.

I am trying though...and I seriously think I am doing a good job...

Then...in order not to agonise him...(I think it is enough to have one person to suffer the misery...then to have both of us feel the pain)...I change my last line..
and make it sound more cheerful...

"Oh well....nothing is important now...
no school no exam...no home...no residency no scholarship no boyfriend....
watever...whenever...wherever...
No hurry....free and easy...
have a nice day to you..."

Sound spiteful...hmmm...I dun know...
I really dun know what will happen if i see him again...

If it is going to be like the last time we met...
I think it will be more beautiful to just think of him...
really...

Have a nice day...

Love,
chyiyun

Check-in...

This would be one of my proudest trip so far...becos My bag is really tiny for a week travel...
It was just a tiny black bag...around 8kg.
In fact...it might be smaller than a usual secondary school student school bag...which i also manage to squeeze in my sleeping bag...
Is about one third of my usual Karrimor heavy duty backpack...

What's more...I can actually just hand carry this bag and dun have to check-in...

Just as I am so proud of this tiny bag...and decided to just NOT check in anything...the check in ldy ask me if i have any sharp objects in my bag...
SHIT!...my scissor...I was givena choice to...throw it away or check in my small bag...which is stupid...

In the end...I choose to check in...

To be continue....

Too tired...need to sleep now...

This trip...

It was full of surpirse actually...
Now that i am brighten up by previous posting..I couldn't stop writing...

My flight was 9.55am on that day...
And i was told to be 2 hours early...

I start to pack my bags at around 3am...
and stay up until 6.30am...ate breakfast...
left home at 7.15am..walk to the bus stop and board the bus at 8.15...
And saw olive boy...
OLIVE BOY??!!?...
wait a minute...am I dreaming?..
I guess the two of us...are simply too fated to meet time and again...
In case u forget who olive boy is...please check my previous blog...dated from late January till May...anyway...yah...he was on the same bus...
which goes to the airport...

AND there was a girl sitting next to him...
a rather sweet looking girl...
His girlfren.

And guess what...they are also heading for amsterdam...where I am going for my connectig flights to budapest...
coincidence??...
Things happen for a reason...
But...at this point...I guess we are just fated to meet again and again...
life is strange...
fated to meet just means fated to meet..and doesn't really means anything...
at least this is how i feel now...

Anyway...we have a nice chat on the bus...and say good bye when we reach the airport and they rush to check in....

and this is how my journey started.291005

011105

Oh!!! Halloween...and Abbey National...

Last Friday was my last day in Abbey Bank. And that happen to be the halloween celebration day for the bank. And I was tod to dress up under the department theme or else I canot enter the building. And the theme was pirate.

How exciting...

I really wonder to want extend will people put in effort to this...
and to my surprise....EVERYBODY!
My supervisor bought a pirate hat...with a toy sword...and wear crop pants...my colleague sitting next to me...bought a ballon parrot which has a built in weight which can actually balance and sit nicely on ur shoulder....and the alpha team Margaret...got a mask...and wig...and wears..big fat gold chain around her neck...my manager Ann...puts on a weird looking pumkin suit...with the leave as her hat...the underwirter team (Risk department) dress up as the fireman....and the Opening team..dress up as cowboys....and the telephone service team...are in pyjamas....

SpeCtacular!...

Just imagine..those people whom i have mention has been wearing suits and tie...since I first came to work in this office...and seeing them in costume...
is enough to brighten up my day...A ZILLION TIMES!...

Whats more...
Chris...he is in this handsome yet cute looking pirate image...white shirt black vest...(SAME AS ME!)...crop pants...and a SCAR drawn on his face....and me...I was ALSO happen to be wearing a white shrt black vest(which was actually my retaurant uniform)...with strippy crop pants...(modified from my usual pants)..plus big dangling earrings...with a scaf over my head...

I was going to take a picture of him with the scar on his face at the en of the day when i realise he had wash the scar off half an hour before office hours...
And i was disappointed and say to him..."oh...I wanted to take a picture of ur scar face..."...and he says..."give me a minte..."...as i wonder what he was doing...he draw a scar on a post-it...and stick it on his face a pose for me...

Cute?

SOOO CUTE...

And after work...I went to meet my colleagues for a drink...talk to him for a while...and he is really cute...AND SOTTISH!...ahhh...i like him...

hmmm...watever...too late...that is my last day of work...

OH BUT BUT!!!...i ask for his email addresss so thati can sent hm the photo...

HOW SMART OF ME....

What a day...28th October 2005

Life is beautiful isn't it....

BuDaPeSt!!!! AgAIn!

Ahh...to say that budapest is nice is not being fair...
But somehow.."nice" seems to be the best word to describe it...
Perhaps a wee bit of melancholy got over me...
which makes me fail to appreciate more things around me...
But...I have to say..this is a...erm...nice place...
Nice is just the right word...really...

I will not use "nice" to decribe Glasgow in the first place...
Glasgow...hmm....dun noe how to describe.

The thing that amuse me is that...this place reminds me of malaysia...
Is a mix up of old and new...old shops old vintage cars..with high-tec laptop and mobile...yet...people use ancient looking toilets and tram...live in old buildings...
I am especially amused by my friends ancient looking washing machine...ah...love old old stuff...yet yet...so many new things going on at the same time...the clashes of old and new is just so intriguing...and makes me wonder how in the world they can actually co-exist.

Suddenly...another word comes into my mind..."interesting"...
Yes...budaest IS interesting...hmm....
I think I am beggining to see it now...
before that...I was blind by my melancholy...
Ahh...

Nice and interesting...that is...
budapest...
maybe...also...
amusing?..

hmmmm...watever...

time for bed...

Ok or Not...

Well...budapest is nice...
but somehow...it keeps reminding me of him...
Like the way my friend finish her meal with a piece of bread wiping away the sauce off her plate...very greek...and it reminds me of him...the couples i saw everywhere ...remind me of him...cheese i ate...remind me of him...the colour of her eyes...reminds me of him...
I am so sure I have gotten over him...so sure...
but somehow...he is still there in my mind somewhere...everywhere...
my life...now full of reference about him...
is already a fact now...and I can do nothing about it...

I really dun hate him anymore...
in fact i never did..
And i couldn't even make up my mind whether I actually was angry with him...
or was disapponted with him...
or maybe i was just sad becos something has ended...
or..I really don't know...

Hmm...BUT BUT...
Budapest is nice...nice...
Nice...
I am just being emotional suddenly...