Kid's writing...

My handwriting has become "naive" lately...
As in...messy and childish looking...
Because I have been writing less and less...
Instead...
my writing ability is being replaced by the tapping speed of my fingers on the keyboard...
You gain something...u lose some...

And so...I thought maybe I should stop typing...
and post pictures of my handwriting journals...
to preserve my ability to WRITE.

Or...i will only be able to tap fingers in the future to express I LOVE YOU...
and not even able to write that properly with my fingers...

It is quite a freaky though...but if u have seen my handwriting lately...
You will know I am not joking...

Even worse...
because of infotechnology technology...
my chinese deteoriate...because typing chinese is so troublesome...and SLOW...
my mind is already jetting off with thoughts that my fingers cannot catch up...
Typing did speed up expressing sometimes...
BUT If i were to type chinese...i will go crazy...
Can you imagine a few chinese words for my previous posting is taking a lifetime for me...
I could have just write them on a piece of paper in a few minutes...

It does make a different in the choice of medium of expressing...
In this case...typing...EASE AND HINDRANCE expression at the same time...

you gain some you lose some...


This is life....

用手写字的心情．．．

用手写字的心情．．．

因为用了电脑的关系
近来连字都不用写了
从脑子里出来的思绪
被手指打在键盘上
化成文字
变成了

手打在键盘上的动作

发出的噪音…

每一个字
就只是文字而已

少了… …

时而蜿蜒曲折

时而整齐有序

少了… …

零乱心情

不奈烦的情绪…

少了… …

用手写字的心情．．．

Utterly blank...

Today is the deadline for Golden point award.

More than enough time for me to write something...
Or even compile something and submit.

I actually gave up.

Because I am not in the mood to struggle.

I feel so weak lately.

All the competitions I participated goes down to drain.

The more i want to achieve something lately...I simply fail.

So I was thinking...maybe I should just do things to please myself...
Instead of pleasing judges who are going to judge my work...
I should go ahead and do my own work...
Write my own stiff...
Do my own art...

Forget about those competitions...
Write something I love...
Compile a nice little journal...

Go make some art...
To heal myself...
Do a mini solo show..

For myself...
For myself...

A few more hours...

I got to feel guilty for another few more hours before I can tell myself it is over.

I hate the feeling I am giving up though...

The recurring question...

"What makes you think that your work is worth people buyin, if you only do that work for yourself...?"

Because of this question, it makes me want to make my art even more...

An artist only need to be true to himself.

I Only need to be TRUE TO MYSELF.

Practicing artist...

Yes, practice.

Like anything and everything in life.
If you want to be good at it...
YOu need to practice.

Including art.

Helplessly patriotic...

I am.

Despite the fact that I have been contemplating to leave Singapore ALL THE TIME.

I really am.

How patriotic?

I cry each time i sing those national day songs...

Singapore is my home...

But...a home I had to leave.

I love Singapore...

I really do.

Count on me, Singapore...

This is one of my favourite National day song...
Love it...
And I mean every word I sang...everytime...

I wish Singapore will be proud of me as an artist...
But I am sad..

I wonder if i can survive here as an artist.

I love Singapore...

I really do...

But staying here is so hard to make the kind of art I love...

"There is something down the road that we can strive for...
We are told no dream's too bold that we can't try for..."

"Just believe...just believe..."


I really wish.

As an artist...

As an artist...

You should always be ready to learn that...
not even the people closest to you
can understand what your artwork is all about...

You should always be ready to accept that...
you might be the only person in the world
to understand your own work...

You should always be ready to realise that...
doing art is a very lonely activity...

Only to you...that you know...what your art really mean.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am prepared and I am ready for all these.

But still feels sad when I learn that my best friend
cannot understand the value behind my art making...

I am prepared and I am ready.

Or maybe...I am not.

But I have to be.

I have to be.

As an artist...

Strange cloud

In the beginning...

Simple and happy

Light and fluffy...

Slowly...

Acumulating existency...

Drifted and pushed helplessly...

Gaining weight and physicality...

Saturate at peak density...

Burst and let go unwillingly...

Bit by bit...

Losing...

Reducing...

Parting...

Slowly...

Light and fluffy...again...

Strangely....

Simple and happy...

Like how it was in the beginning.

Michael Landy...

His Break down...is a major art project that inspire me a lot...

It could be the next big thing I wanna do for my art...

After a proper documentation, I want to throw, recycle or give as many things as I could... away.

I want to let go.

I want to feel light.

It is time to let go...

Even my hair...

There will be a time...before I leave this place.

940 days ...

Suddenly, I was curious...

How many days am I away from the big day...

I did a rough calculation on my calculator...

940.

To what?..YOu may ask.

I am 940 days from being 30 years old.

I am not young anymore..

But NEVER TOO OLD TO DO THE THINGS I LOVE.

It just makes it more urgent to want to do certain things in life...

So much more urgent...

Feeling blue...

I was feeling rather blue these few days...

Blue as in...moody.

But...somehow...it was not a bad thing...

Blue...but I am enjoying it.

Because it makes me think.

It stir up words and emotions...

Colours and imageries...

I kind of like this feeling...

Sad but I enjoy it.

Lovely old trees...

In Singapore...it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to have a tree in your backyard that is old enough for you to hang ropes and put a swing to swing on...

Because you just can't for a few reasons...

1. You need to be filthy rich to have a backyard to your house in the first place...I mean...DAMN FILTHY RICH...

2. YOU need to be rich for a long long time...long enough for the tree in your backyard to grow strong enough for the branch to support your weight...

3. Finally, you need to have the authority to stop government from cutting down your tree if your tree is hazardess to road users....in case your tree is near the roadside...beside your house...

How sad...I love Singapore...but I hate how it has become.

Headache....a splitting one...

If you have never had a headache before...you will never know why "splitting" is used to describe headache...

Because it literally feels like the brain is being split up...and the image of a splitting cell will appear in my mind...to futher enhances and visuallise the splitting pain I am experiencing...

And why am I telling you this?

That was the kind of headache I had 2 days ago....
in the middle of the night while trying to sleep...

I was feeling out of breathe...and the headache was...yah...SPLITTING ...if you can imagine according to how i describe my pain...

That moment, so painful I thought I might die.

I freak out.

Not because I am afraid death...but because I wouldn't be able to finish what I wanted to do if I die that particular night...not now please.

In the end, here I am blogging.

I am SO GLAD I AM STILL ALIVE.

YOu should be tOO....

Thank you for reading my blog.

Raining...

Finally, it rains...crazily...
LOVE da rain...
I was sad on my previous posting because of the mental block I am suffering due to the horrible hot weather...
And now...

It is simply SHIOK!...

WOHOOOO~~~~~

RAIN!!!!

Nothing to write.

I have nothing to write.
No feelings to convey.
No one to hate.
No one to love.
No one to grumble about.
No one to miss.
No mood.
Nothing.

No...

Sad.

Love not in the way I love...

Love not in the way I love...

This is my dilemma recently.

My nanny is my second mum.
But we have heaven and earth kind of living habits, as in...very different lifestyle.


What I ask for now is just A PRIVATE SPACE, which is my room.

Yet, even if I lock up my room, my nanny will open my room with HER KEY.
EVen if I was only lying on the bed day dreaming, I really hope this moment is solely private.
I told her, there is a reason why I lock my door, it means I do not want to be interrupted.
I hope she understand. So far, she do not.

It pissed me off, even when I know she loved me and meant well when she open my door.
Mostly because it is time to eat dinner. And that will be another issue. I am NOT HUNGRY YET.

Ok...I sound like a spoilt child who doesn't know how to aprreciated the blissful life I am in....
Most of my friend envies my serviced apartment kind of lifestyle living with my nanny with laundries done, cleaning up and meals prepared occassionally...
But honestly, I miss my slump life in Glasgow, messy, hungry at times, BUT WITH ABSOLUTE FREEDOM.


My nanny loves me, and I love my nanny too...

And well...

That is the dilemma.

What I want...

Not many friends of mine would ask me in the face...
"WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT IN LIFE?"

But there are at least 2.

This is a question I start to ask myself since I was 17 years old.

Exactly 10 years ago, I start to ask myself what I want in life...
On and off, I though I found somthing...vaguely...
And while searchin for the answer, I learn more about what I want...
Like trial and error, I did some, hate some, love some....

And now, I still do not really know what I WANT EXActly.

But...I did draw some conclusion as to what I want in a fragmented way...

I want a space of my own which is my HOME.
I want to MAKE THINGS.
I want to share my musing in LIFE...in words and art.
I want to travel and see the world and share what I see.
I want to love and be loved.
And finally hope that i can do all the above mentioned as a way to EARN A LIVING.

Yah...that's about it...at the moment...that is all.

Things I learn this week...

1. Bus 111 is a loop service and will pass by the whole stretch of Tanglin Road. (Thanks to my student SB...she moves to a new apartment and i need to find my way there)

2. One end of Tanglin Road leads to Queenstown...the other end is orchard road.

3. Bus 111 will also stop by Marina Square.

4. Hugh Grant actually can sing. (YH is the one who told me about this and ask N to play the song for me)

5. The term "entropy", " is the measurement of the disorder or randomness of a system ."
Such an interesting term....makes me wonder.... (Introduce to me by KY during an interesting conversation one fine afternoon)

6. According to Moore's Law, it takes about every 18 months for the computer to become 2 times faster by halving the size of wire and logic gates from which they are constructed. Every time the size of the components of a computer goes down by a factor of two, twice as many will fit the same size chip.

7. How to count in binary. ( From the book I am currently read, "Programming the Universe"

8. The idea of "ZERO" , "0" means " empty thing"....a powerful abstract idea of nothingness yet so concretely exist. ( From the same book.)

9. Four ways to go up Fort Canning Hill. 1, From behind Substation. 2, From Park Mall near Douby Ghuat MRT. 3, Beside MICA building. 4, From Clark Quay.

10. There is a Kinokuniya in Liang Court. And Meidiya which sells Jap stuffs in Liang court is interesting. You can walk tO Liang Court from Clark Quay. And to ZOuk from Clark Quay.