5 seconds of happiness...

He was finally online yesterday night..for like 5 seconds...
And I was happy enough...even though he apparently forgot my birthday...
It was not important anymore...

***********************

I dun like this kind of dependency I have for him...
Makes me uncontrollably sad and happy....

I like my old peaceful self...not happy nor sad...
just contented and peaceful...
I want my old self back...

**********************


But I will keep trying....
Until I am myself again...

I will keep trying...

*************************

I wish...

Today...is my birthday...
which is going to be over soon...in 10 minutes time...

My only happiness for the day...a pair of silver earrings I bought from the night market which I knew was overpriced but I liked it since 3 weeks ago...
yet I was criticise by my brother(which I have expected him to do so...)for being stupid...

Today was yet another day...

And the thing that I really wished for...is to chat with him online...
regardless of whether he remembers my birthday....

One more minute....and this sad day will be over...

Since my wish is not going to come true anyway....

Maybe I should make another wish for the whole year...

I just wish to be happy.

Be happy.

Please....let me be happy.

Somebody...make me happy please.

Happy Birthday to Me...

One minute past 12am...
It is 26th Febuary 2006 now in Thailand...

I am glad that at least 4 people remembers my birthday...

As far as I remembers...my last birthday was my working day...and my ex-boss shares the same birthday....at least it was a happy day...

Today...I am not sad...but not particularly happy....

My birthday wish...

To be happy and fufilling...in love and be loved....

Have a nice day everybody.

Sick of being sick...

I am sick again...
This time...It's food posioning...
Giddy and nausea...Plus tummy ache...
Feels horrible and weak for the whole day...

And...again...the whole family is sick too...
Becos we ate the same food...

BAD...

My brother...

This brother of mine....

We chatted in the middle of the night from 3am till 9am the next morning....

And I was not surprised that we do share a lot of common undertsanding in life...although we live through a totally different life....

Life...there is just too much to share...

First time in my life...I have never been more agreeable with him than now...

By the way...this is the brother who calls me a bitch and i call him a bastard(check out my archive)....

Found...

He is online finally....

Happy.

oh where oh where....?

He is gone...
HAve not seen him online for days...

Cannot help but feeling low and disappointed...

That's all.

花儿.....让我的心开了

歌曲：我们能不能不分手
歌手：花儿乐队 专辑：花季王朝

我们能不能不分手
亲爱的别走
全世界都让你要爱我
难道你就不会心动
曾为你冷风中颤抖
曾为你泪水狂流
曾为你万事都低头
你怎么舍得开口
已为你爱到无所有
已为你心门紧扣
已为你多少次难受
曾经感觉我们的相守
像段传奇甜蜜而不朽
曾经你要我付出所有
现在却说只要自由
曾经是那样晶莹剔透
当爱变成爱过的时候
该怎么拯救怎么挽留
能不能不分手
laaaaa……


I love the childishness of this song...
the one-sided bitter-sweetness...
this love....so wishful thinking....
like me now...

and the melody....i can just sing and sing....all day long...

like a child....

the chorus sings..."can we not break up...dear please dun go....the whole world wants you to love me ...and aren't you touch by it......."

this song...is my song...Right now...this minute...this second...this life of mine.

lalalalalalala lalala lalalalala lalalala.....

Life is beautiful...always is...

The cycle begins...

Remember my theory of cycle of creativity...((check my blog archive)

It was how I started my blog...feeling bored.

and according to my theory...I shall experience depression soon...and then I will break depression by production...and feels happy....and slack...and back to boredom...

Boredom---> depression---> production----> joy----> boredom....


but but...a new cycle has develop...when I suddenly fall in love...and fall out of it...

depression struck me soon after happiness instead of boredom becos of the broken heart...healing process take place have to take place as I retire to boredom...while I was back at home....a twist of seqence in the cycle becos of the my love encounter.....hence...

the cycle become...

joy-----> depression---->boredom---->slight depression--->production------>joy

Of course this is not as simple as it looks...as I do experience minor depression at the peak of my boredom here(which still follows the original creativity cycle routine)just that the depression is not significant enough as the previous depression I have experenc from the broken heart is TOO great to compare...hence the minor depression is too weak to be accounted for...

hence if I am not worng....
the boredom stage(experiencing slight depression) shall quickly integrate to productivity....


This is HOPE for me....as it would mean...

joy will follow soon...

How exciting....

About my love...

We grow up day by day from experience...

Get lost to find our way...
Get hurt to be stronger...

Now that I can offically call the relationship between he and I as "friends"...doesn't mean I dun love him anymore...

But that...I have to love him in such a way that i will categorise it as "friends"...

Basically...my love has become timid...
become what it was used to be...
it was used to be secretly...without him knowing...

It happens with a simple friendship...becomes a secretly in love thingy...becomes love each other...then hate each other....then becomes love but hate each other....goes back to secretly in love so as not to hate.....finally...the secretly in love will reduce to only pure friendship after numerous unreciprocate disappointment of being secretly in love....

I would say...I am currently at the stage of secretly in love AGAIN...hoping that it will reduce to pure friendship like how it begins...

Having said that...

It means...I will have to experience numerous disappointment....
until...love shed...and friendship becomes pure...


Right now...
NO worriez...if you know me by now...you should know that I am a person very comfortable with secretly in love with someone...the only love I feel safe to be in...quietly feeling happy for him...about him...with him...

I am happy.

I am happy now...as in...the current status of my feelings for him...
I am happy that I no longer feel the pain...

With all the beautiful memories...

Honestly...

WHat a relief that I have finally break the DAily blogging routine....becos to blog-for-the-sake-of-blogging can KILL creativity and sensitivity...

Actually life here is more than sleep, eat and watcing TV....
just that I was so lazy...I dun even want to account for anything I did...

During these 30 odd days...
I have got to know more than I have ever did about my parents...day by day...


I teach my mum how to use a computer to run a CD-rom for her to learn thai...
I teach my dad how to surf net and download music online....

I help my mum wash the dishes and sweep the floor...
I help my dad made kimchi...

I go shopping with my mum in Carrafour....
I go street walking with my dad in weekend night markets....

I spend hours till dawn listening to my mum telling me about herself....
I spent hours till dawn watching DVD with my dad ...

My mum...she told me about her childhood love story...
My dad...he told me about how he was when he is a kid....

How interesting can life be....so interesting...

Isn't it.

day after day...31

woke up...online...watch TV....eat....sleep...eat...
watch TV....sleep...

30...It's V-day...

V-day....spend the day with my parents shopping...went out to have korean food...

Came back...watch TV...
watch DVD until 6am in the morning....

29...monday

was a lazy day....sleep eat...sleep...watch TV...
The end....

28...yet another lazy sunday...and the rest of many lazy days to come

Thaphae....the highlight for all the Chiang mailian on Sunday....
The 3rd time I visited Thaphae....
And today...it is also Yuan xiao....the chinese valentines' day...
plus...also the chiang mai's japanese cultural festive day....
The road is congested...no place to park my father's car...
had to drive around...and found a remote site...
walk thru the streets...and run into the fireworks display....
which is 10metres away...
a lot of japanese wearing their tradition kimono walking on the street...
my father and I were force to follow the crowd halfway...
after a few moments of frenzy...
That's it...directions are messed up...
we walked randomly...whichever and watever...

Items that caught my eye for the day....

1.A pair of nice earrings...
silver...after much bargaining
went back once....
580 baht reduced to 500 baht

VERDICT : DID NOT BUY!

2. A traditional looking blouse...
like it a lot...
3500 baht....reduced to 2800 baht...

Verdict : DID NOT BUY!

3. A pair of trousers...
Like it ...roughly 250 baht...
did not bargain as I intend to come back and buy later...
but lost our way and did not manage to get back to the store...

Verdict : DID NOT BUY!


Ate some bun...
bought a bottle of mineral water...

at the end of the day...
we lost our way...
as people pack up their stores...
we cannot recognise which is the street we start with...

took a few wrong lane before we finally found the car and got home...

Today...
is YET another vistory for me...apart from food...

as usual...

I BOUGHT NOTHING.


****************************

Isomia.
Have serious problem sleeping for the pass dun noe how many days....
Always cannot sleep at all thru the night...
Usually will fall aleep after 5am....

Which is BAD.

Days are too lazy...
Night becomes too hard to digest...

WHat has become of me...

I better start working...

27..

Aye...27 days have passed...
And I have done NOTHING....

ABSOLUTELY NOTHIN'...

By the way...today is the 28th day...ALREADY.

TIME FLYS...

Indeed...

I have not been VERY honest in my blog...
not as if I lie...
but there are things that i had hesitated to reveal...and share...

Maybe to let people know too much of me...
scares me...

26.....

Sick again...

Have to be careful what you wish for...

Even if you can lose a couple of weights...
there should be better ways to do it...

But i swear...I did not get sick on purpose...

I have tried my best...yet I am sick again...

sick again...

After my make-me-lose-2kg-stomache flu....
i miraculously gain back 1kg in NO tiME...

Now...I am sick again....
down with comman flu....
running noes...
bad tummy again....

when will my weak body ever recover...
perhaps it is a sign to tell me...
this is NOT the place...

however...if I am able to lose a couple of weight....
I dun really mind...

ha.

25...so many days...

The malicious..downloader.trojan....

is being detected by my anti-virus...
and I dun noe how to remove it....

even by following step by step...is a SUPER-DUPER challange to me...

ad last and most IMPORTANT STEP..
I was told...is to edit the registry....
Let's look at that particular phrase above....
first of all...I dun noe what registry in compuetr means...and therefore...how am I suppose to edit...???
Even by following the intruction....I do NOT know how to START to go into resgitry....WORST!...I was warned....any wrong edit will corrupt the files...and cause permanent demages...PLUS....I DUN NOE WHAT IN THE WORLD I AM DOING NOW.....

and I AM SUPPOSE TO BACKUP!?.....

YES.
They finally did mention that I have to back up...
ONLY ON THE LAST STEP...
why did they only tell me to do back up only at the last step?

I mean...should they warn me to back up before i start anything???

BAstard!

Now what?

My computer is in safe mode...and i dun now how to revert...and i dun dare to execute the last step...
and i dun noe what I am doing now...

ANYONE EXPERT IN COMPUTER?
Please tell me...

HOW TO REMOVE...

downloader.trojan


INDEED Malicious....but not as malicious as my own stupidity.

24 blah blah days...

It is a strange feeling...
Maybe it is just how things works...
After so long NOT at home...and finally back at home....

The next most natural thing in my mind now is to leave home AGAIN...

How ironic...


*****************************************


Went out for a long afternoon walk ith my parents today...
visit the pet shops....full of DOGS....
and went to Airport plaza to shop...

came back...
watch TV...
took a nap...
headache...
come online...

Going to bath soon...

sleep at the end of the day....what else..

23rd...watever days...

I have lose my patient finally...
I can't stand myself not doing anything....
I do enjoy holiday...

But...I have been doing nothing for more than 2 months...
not as if I literally sleep for 2 month...
I am busy on and off..meeting people...shopping....new year...

But NOTHING IS DONE!
NO INCOME!
NO PRODUCTION!

NOOOOOO!!!!!...

Have to start working...cannot stand seeing myself wasting my life like that...


Really felt like studying again...
If not...at least start working...

**************************************************


Suddenly felt very useless these few days....
live with my family like a retiree....
felt like I am living my parents retirement life....
like I am retiring with them....
SHIT!.....this is horrible....
If this goes on....
I will go crazy...


**************************************************


Yesterday.....I lay on the sofa and think really hard....
about him....
very very hard....
and I no longer felt sad...
no longer felt painful...

Maybe it was not painful anymore...
maybe it was too painful...until I am too numb to feel...
maybe I am just used to it...

watever the reason...

No more tears...

But I do miss him...sometimes....
Not all the time now....


************************************************


Suddenly it is scary...
I am beginning to doubt my own ability....
I dun noe what I want to do...
Dun noe what I want...
Dun noe my future...
Dun noe where to go...
Dun noe who to love...

BUT there is one thing I know...

I MUST LEAVE THIS PLACE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE !!!!...

before I rot and die here....

*****************************************************

Today....woke up at 2pm...

sleep at 4am yesterday night....

Took 15 minutes to eat lunch....
hop onto my father's car...and head for the market
Did grocery for the week....

And came home...

watch TV....
eat dinner....

watch TV....

Online....

Going to sleep soon...

Yet another day...22nd day...

Today...went to the airport...sent my brother off...
came back...watch TV...
teach my father how to go online...
and now..waited and waited hoping to see him online...

What is wrong with me...
I should have gotten over him by now...

Or maybe I did...

I just still miss him as a friend...

who am I kidding...

21st day...

Today is sunday...
When for an evening walk along the walk street in Taepae..

came home...feeling satistfy....

and my brother suggested a second night's out...
"One night motorcycle tour"....

me and my eldest brother on his motorcycle; my father and my elder brother on his scooter...

4 of us...went around chiangmai...to see the scene after midnight..
weather is cool...
quiet street though...

While my brother is showing us possible land for his future business...
halfway...we stop for a bowl of porridge...

came home....

3.32am...
online blog...

alomost time for bed...

20th day...

Recovering from suspected stomache flu...
Surviving well....
However still has a bit of cold sweat...and weak stomach...

Should be fine...

But the rest of my family seem to be infected by me...

All are have similiar symptoms....

I hope evrybody is fine...

My virus are TOO strong...

By the way....went to the flower festival fair with my parents today....
bought some flowers...

Day ends...

Have a nice day everybody

19th day...

Feeling better after taking the thai medicated powder....(pagoda brand)...
only ate a few spoonful of rice porridge...for the whole day...

i have lost 2kg since yesterday....

18th day...

sick sick sick...

Down with tummy ache...body ache...cold feet...fever...

Couldn't sleep well...

and feeling miserable all night...

Until the next morning....i felt nausea...but nothing to vomit...as my stomache is already empty....

My worse day in Chiangmai...

17th day.......

Went to 2 chinese temple for chinese new year prayers...
Ask for 3 "lot"...."qiu qian"...
and the first one tells a story...

A sick horse went up the mountain...病马去登山
When will it come back...几时得回还
To move on with your future...欲进前程路
....

The last line is difficult to understand...

It says...

思量到难头...

The last line is the most important essence of the whole "lot"..
is the conclusion or the final advice...

思量...means "to think of"..."to miss"...

到难头...could mean "to a difficult point"...OR...it could also mean..."to shake one's head"....OR...the last two phrase can also be understood as....if you want a future....then you will have to think twice of it...OR...if you want a future...you will have to think hard....

Whatever the understanding....it seems that it is something really difficult....

And what I pray for advice and ask about...for the "lot" i got...
is Him.

Hmm...sad...

watever...we are still friends...maybe that is what we really are meant to be....

Second "lot" is good...

It says....

久旱几多时
晚来雨淋漓
风送舟得利
缘衣换紫衣

Roughly it means...after a long drought....the rain came...
The wind blows and the boat is given a good push ahead...
The clothing of affinity changes to the clothing of prosperity....

The last phrase is agin the difficult to understand part...and my translation could be wrong....

And for this lot....I ask about my future....

as for the third "lot"...

ah...I am too tired to type chinese..but it roughly says...people are quiet at night...stars are so few in the sky for the night...the fisherman wasted the night with it's hook empty....it is no point to hang out your clothes to dry at night....

on the surface...it seems sad and quiet...

What I ask for is my future love affinity...(yin yuan)...
but my father says...
It means...it is "night time for you now..."...
you have to wait till the sun rises....

well.....sounds like a goood interpretation too...

oh well...

Life...it is how you want to see it...how you want to live it...

Isn't it...

16th day...

A lazy day...
Life is back to normal...
Wake up...eat...sleep...eat...watch TV...sleep...

what else...

Have a nice day everybody...