Smiling isn't suppose to be difficult...but to me...it is actually tedious to even move my face muscle to create a superficial curve on my face that looks like a smile....how pathetic.
280105
Friday, January 28, 2005
Something happy...
Yesterday...I met an unexpected friend...who is actually a friend's friend whom we had dinner together in a dinner party almost a year ago....i forget his name but i remember his face...he is the dentist guy who study in glasgow and i thoght he graduted and went back to singapore last year...which is why i am surprise to see him...he came to the restarant i worked in for dinner...ahh...this restarant i worked in seems to be a place where i meet a lot of friends...anyway...yah...this dentist friend...he is now working here in glasgow...after he graduate....and i like the thought of it...not as if we are very good friends...as we really hardly know each other really...just like the idea that someone is there....though i also met a lot of singaporean people in the restaurant i worked in....the rest are horrible.
So yah...quite happy to see him, really.
270105
So yah...quite happy to see him, really.
270105
Difficult Task
One.
Wake up in the morning. This is really difficult..and is not easy since I was kid which explains why i am always late for school. Recently, it has become more difficult when I have to work so late.
Two.
Sleep early...working late is already problematic...and yet..i cannot sleep the moment i reach home...I somehow need time to chilled out for a few hours before i can sleep...which will be 5am by the time i am ready for bed...not helpful when i have to wake up at 8.30am in the morning.
Three.
Do my art...extremely difficult. Without money and time...everything becomes almost impossible. I dun even want to talk about it. But had to face it. How can I find art making difficult...I never did.
270105
Wake up in the morning. This is really difficult..and is not easy since I was kid which explains why i am always late for school. Recently, it has become more difficult when I have to work so late.
Two.
Sleep early...working late is already problematic...and yet..i cannot sleep the moment i reach home...I somehow need time to chilled out for a few hours before i can sleep...which will be 5am by the time i am ready for bed...not helpful when i have to wake up at 8.30am in the morning.
Three.
Do my art...extremely difficult. Without money and time...everything becomes almost impossible. I dun even want to talk about it. But had to face it. How can I find art making difficult...I never did.
270105
This Time of the Year...
As i was walking home alone in the middle of the night at 12am yesterday....i suddenly stopped...becos my tears are falling...and then it started to stream...the warm tears chilled out as it slide down my face...and makes it neccessary to wipe away from my face becos it will make my face freeze when the wind blows on the wet skin....
This is the time fo the year where I will become very weak and weepy....the depression state..which is very normal in my working cycle...becos i sort of enjoy this despression occasionally....however it is not doing any good to solve my situation...and i hate this... only makes me feel useless anmd helpless which i dun like the tot of it.
Finally, I have made up my mind NOT TO STUDY MFA after my BA...as if i have a chance to get the offer...i cannot even be sure if my results are good enuff to do MFA in the first place...the studying part is really killing my passion for art practice...the more i spend my money on school fees...the more i hate myself for choosing this path. What am I doing.
270105
This is the time fo the year where I will become very weak and weepy....the depression state..which is very normal in my working cycle...becos i sort of enjoy this despression occasionally....however it is not doing any good to solve my situation...and i hate this... only makes me feel useless anmd helpless which i dun like the tot of it.
Finally, I have made up my mind NOT TO STUDY MFA after my BA...as if i have a chance to get the offer...i cannot even be sure if my results are good enuff to do MFA in the first place...the studying part is really killing my passion for art practice...the more i spend my money on school fees...the more i hate myself for choosing this path. What am I doing.
270105
The Truth About Being An Artist
This is all an illusion. The truth about being an artist is really not what people think. Especially when freedom is concern, a poor artist do not have any priviledge to the so called freedom everybody thought we have. Of course, we need to have the same definition of what freedom is...in this case freedom is not to worry about having a roof over the head, have no problems paying bills and do watever they like. I hope that is simple enough. But even this basic requirement is almost too hard to achieve... My only regret now is to study overseas....not that the experience is not beneficial....but the amount of time spend on earning school fees is ridiculous...and i wonder if i am really studying here....so what is the point...i really do not know. And after this...is probably a life of writing proposal...for fundings....making art is not a cheap hobby....maybe being an artist is really not what i want....i guess...if i dun want anything...life will be easy...easier i mean. But since i have started it...I got to finish it.
270105
270105
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Spilt personality....
yah...the two fo me is working hand in hand again...as the pissed off version of me is typing my frustration in my blog....the happy-natured version of me is chatting happily with liwei at the same time...it might sound freaky but...it just happen....i weep and type "haha"online..when neccessary....somehow...i manage to do it.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
I am not usually that weepy.
I was in tears when i had the assessment feedback today, perhaps it is the not so good results i have for this term...which is not really the reason why...part of it definitely is the spark for the flooding of tears... it started with .... the part where my tutor remarks about the not sufficient evidence of research and critical awareness of contemporary art practice. There is a difference between you dun know and you dun show. Like doing problem sums in mathematics....you dun get marks for not showing your workings. that is my problem. ...while this problem leads me to another problem....producing the research evidence...which....leads to another topic....MONEY! A good research portfolio is backed up by money...printing of stuff in the library needs moeny....developing photos need money.....even buying a folder needs money. which i wonder how i should do it...given the fact that i cannot even afford tospent £1 on 4 rolls of toilet papers....i actually already spent £6.38 last week just to develop photos for docunmentation of my work....which is like 4 weeks of my daily expenses....i cannot imagine how much a research folder will cost me....i dun want to think....everything is in pounds and penny now in my head....like NEO in the matrix....zeros and ones....you start to see the codes of things....of cos...another problem is time....i have to work to pay for my fees...or else i cannot continue...but working will give me less ime to do my school stuff...and in terms harms my art practice...but then again...if i am going to work less...how on earth will i have money to even print a piece of paper from the library...everything cost money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!than all the problems start to flodd my head.....and the fustration of things get over me...especially when i talk about my phobia in technology....it is actually the frustartion for working in school within limited time....which is not very accomodative.....to my work time...money money money...it all goes down to one thing....money.
i just kept weeping and weeping and weeping as my lecturers continue to finish reading the comments on the assessemnt feedback....while i made some sobby weepy respond which i can hardly heard myself.....and i told them i am just frustrated with the technical disability i had with computers which i lied....i actually wanted to tell them...i dun have money to print things. They will not believe me if i say this. Then when my tutors ask me if i have got any other problem other school work....i just tell them frankly...financial problem....yah...i hope they get it.
The feedback session ended with a huge tension in the end...i know they tried to console me...but i just kept weeping and weeping...eyes and nose flooding....dun look nice though....i can't help it....
then i walk out of school thinking i should stop this since i have cried enough but i just kept on weeping non-stop...whioch at one point...a classmate spot me and say hi...without knowing i am in tears....i responded with a hi...and i guess he saw me crying...and i just hurriedly walk away.....i continued to cry and sob....on my way to the school library where i am now...and start to blog this.....just a while ago....i was on MSN with my brother and he told me that he can manage to send me my money by April...and i am really touch...and then....I weep again!
I can't stop crying since i started it.....i just kept crying.
By the way...i must have also scared liwei becos i was chatting with her "happily' while i am weeping and typing this post...scary...i know.
i just kept weeping and weeping and weeping as my lecturers continue to finish reading the comments on the assessemnt feedback....while i made some sobby weepy respond which i can hardly heard myself.....and i told them i am just frustrated with the technical disability i had with computers which i lied....i actually wanted to tell them...i dun have money to print things. They will not believe me if i say this. Then when my tutors ask me if i have got any other problem other school work....i just tell them frankly...financial problem....yah...i hope they get it.
The feedback session ended with a huge tension in the end...i know they tried to console me...but i just kept weeping and weeping...eyes and nose flooding....dun look nice though....i can't help it....
then i walk out of school thinking i should stop this since i have cried enough but i just kept on weeping non-stop...whioch at one point...a classmate spot me and say hi...without knowing i am in tears....i responded with a hi...and i guess he saw me crying...and i just hurriedly walk away.....i continued to cry and sob....on my way to the school library where i am now...and start to blog this.....just a while ago....i was on MSN with my brother and he told me that he can manage to send me my money by April...and i am really touch...and then....I weep again!
I can't stop crying since i started it.....i just kept crying.
By the way...i must have also scared liwei becos i was chatting with her "happily' while i am weeping and typing this post...scary...i know.
This guy.
Well folk!...this is probably what most of my friends out there are waiting for....some romantic happenings in my life...which is almost rare in my days here in Glasgow. The reason for it's inadequacy is unknown...athough i have sort of blame it on my unattractiveness...but then again....maybe it is just fate.
This guy I am going to talk about today...and like most of the other guy that i have talk about in my blog...which is...i have met him at least 3 times. Yeah....the trilogy thing....it seems to always happen in trilogies....just that...the sick thing is...it only has 3 part to it...and no more....like the Daniel guy i talk about with the flower sniffing incident if you have follow my posting...as well as the lightbulb guy who gave me a lightbulb....they just disappear somehow after i make a note about them...opps!...precisely what i am doing now....i just wonder how it is going ruin my fate by blogging it....like i care.
This guy, we met in EMA. EMA is the electronic media suite in my school. I was doing a video editing one afternoon and this guy....though he had been sitting right across me facing me....i din manage to notice him until...this...
The lab technician was telling some stupid joke while he was helping me save a file and ask for this guy's opinion and this guy just smile in repond probably out of politeness..while we exchange just a feel polite casual glances,,,and then,,,came a banch of people from the back door passing him a big hand-made paper hat saying "happy birthday"...and oh yah....it was his birthday, 21st january. The only think i notice about him for the whole event in the EMA was his checkered-shirt and olive green sweater....
Then i went to work....totally forget about the existence of this person.
While working in y restaurant....we have a telephone booking for 8 person tonight...and i wonder what crowd is coming....
then we met again....
i din recognise him....he says hi....
and i rememebr his green sweater.
It was the guy in EMA.
We had a pleasant smile at each other...and i told him not to tell anyone in school that i worked there....
he ask me what department i am in...
i serve him chinese tea.
before he left for the day....i ask him which department he is from....and end of part 2
This morning...wednesday...26th jan
we met again.
It was a website design workshop...and he was late.
I recognise him...and i heard the technician calling his name...oliver is his name.
he sat behind me.
we din talk...and left after the lecture....i was too shy to even say hi
End of story.
At this point....i regret not turning my head and say hi.
3 times we met and that is it....i promise if i met him again in school....i will say hi and smile at him!
This guy I am going to talk about today...and like most of the other guy that i have talk about in my blog...which is...i have met him at least 3 times. Yeah....the trilogy thing....it seems to always happen in trilogies....just that...the sick thing is...it only has 3 part to it...and no more....like the Daniel guy i talk about with the flower sniffing incident if you have follow my posting...as well as the lightbulb guy who gave me a lightbulb....they just disappear somehow after i make a note about them...opps!...precisely what i am doing now....i just wonder how it is going ruin my fate by blogging it....like i care.
This guy, we met in EMA. EMA is the electronic media suite in my school. I was doing a video editing one afternoon and this guy....though he had been sitting right across me facing me....i din manage to notice him until...this...
The lab technician was telling some stupid joke while he was helping me save a file and ask for this guy's opinion and this guy just smile in repond probably out of politeness..while we exchange just a feel polite casual glances,,,and then,,,came a banch of people from the back door passing him a big hand-made paper hat saying "happy birthday"...and oh yah....it was his birthday, 21st january. The only think i notice about him for the whole event in the EMA was his checkered-shirt and olive green sweater....
Then i went to work....totally forget about the existence of this person.
While working in y restaurant....we have a telephone booking for 8 person tonight...and i wonder what crowd is coming....
then we met again....
i din recognise him....he says hi....
and i rememebr his green sweater.
It was the guy in EMA.
We had a pleasant smile at each other...and i told him not to tell anyone in school that i worked there....
he ask me what department i am in...
i serve him chinese tea.
before he left for the day....i ask him which department he is from....and end of part 2
This morning...wednesday...26th jan
we met again.
It was a website design workshop...and he was late.
I recognise him...and i heard the technician calling his name...oliver is his name.
he sat behind me.
we din talk...and left after the lecture....i was too shy to even say hi
End of story.
At this point....i regret not turning my head and say hi.
3 times we met and that is it....i promise if i met him again in school....i will say hi and smile at him!
Monday, January 24, 2005
Thursday, January 20, 2005
SnoW!
Yes!...Snow...! Record breaking 10 cm thick of snow in Glasgow....very rare occasion even for the locals....enjoy that night partcularly when i made a lot of footprints on the snow-covered ground...and made snow balls out of snow from eveywhere....remind me of ice kacang....nice weather...
180105
180105
Canton-Style
Just imagine that kind of hong Kong style restaurant...selling roast pork and roast duck...yah...i worked in that kind of restaurant...cannot imagine.
I know I am not a very good waitress in many ways...but working in this restaurant shows all my flaws. The first problem is cantonese. I understand but i dun speak...only makes me a mute when I work with colleagues. Then I dun smile....I always smile...wherever i worked...but i din manage to smile here becos i can't talk much and dun blend in therefore...i dun felt like smiling....which is deadly in terms of my professional practice as a waitress....then...is my backgroud....i worked in too many kinds of restaurant before...too many styles in my head....japanese...western...hong kong style...???....while the westerners think that stacking up plate in front of them when you clear plates is rude...they do it here in chinese style...where they pour all the soups and sauce in front of you in the bigeest bowl....before they remove it from your sight....then....i dun usually talk to customers....unless very occassional chat....but they are very traditional hong kong style...they expect a bit of chatting...i can't...especially in cantonese....if you know what i mean. And then they want you to be fast....i can be fast if i know what i am going to do...but then...fast is not my style.
Very hard...a job that I feel I am not good enuff.
190105
I know I am not a very good waitress in many ways...but working in this restaurant shows all my flaws. The first problem is cantonese. I understand but i dun speak...only makes me a mute when I work with colleagues. Then I dun smile....I always smile...wherever i worked...but i din manage to smile here becos i can't talk much and dun blend in therefore...i dun felt like smiling....which is deadly in terms of my professional practice as a waitress....then...is my backgroud....i worked in too many kinds of restaurant before...too many styles in my head....japanese...western...hong kong style...???....while the westerners think that stacking up plate in front of them when you clear plates is rude...they do it here in chinese style...where they pour all the soups and sauce in front of you in the bigeest bowl....before they remove it from your sight....then....i dun usually talk to customers....unless very occassional chat....but they are very traditional hong kong style...they expect a bit of chatting...i can't...especially in cantonese....if you know what i mean. And then they want you to be fast....i can be fast if i know what i am going to do...but then...fast is not my style.
Very hard...a job that I feel I am not good enuff.
190105
Friday, January 14, 2005
Scottish TV
Browsing thru the TV schedule for today is an absolute disappointment...
I remember a friend told me before...nobody stays at home to watch TV on friday...i think...there are reasons for this...anyway...if that is the case...i better find something to do tonight.
140105
I remember a friend told me before...nobody stays at home to watch TV on friday...i think...there are reasons for this...anyway...if that is the case...i better find something to do tonight.
140105
Inspiring....
The lectures that i am having for this 2 days is bloody inspiring i would say...too inspiring that i am changing plans about my future again....of cos as usual...i always change my mind....or to be exact...i never make up my mind in the first place....
Whichever....i am happy.
130105
Whichever....i am happy.
130105
Stiff neck
i have this weird stiff neck for the whole day....since this morning...i guess is the pillow....or the posistion i sleep in....irritating....felt like having some good massage....ahhh....but in this case...i can only afford to have a few medicated plaster (yahui send me) plastered on my shoulders and neck.....good enuff.
130105
130105
Weather reports two day after the storm....
Clear beautiful sky with the most graceful moon...sharp, curve and fine.
Totally mersmerising....
But...absolutely freezing.
131005
Totally mersmerising....
But...absolutely freezing.
131005
Weather reports...
Horrible strong winds...at the speed of 124mph swept across scotland just 2 days ago....
which i had to cling onto road railings to prevent myself from being blown away....
trash flying about at great speed..get hit a million times by tiny cubes of frozen raindrops....blown on my face..as i brave through the stormy weather to walk home...hands numb....and face numb after the million hits...
all this just becos i want to save 85 pence not to take a bus.
Of cos...if i know this is going to be so bad...i would have take a bus...
i wonder what is next at this rate...i was told, this is not the worst of the winter yet...
what can be worst...i dun want to imagine.
130105
which i had to cling onto road railings to prevent myself from being blown away....
trash flying about at great speed..get hit a million times by tiny cubes of frozen raindrops....blown on my face..as i brave through the stormy weather to walk home...hands numb....and face numb after the million hits...
all this just becos i want to save 85 pence not to take a bus.
Of cos...if i know this is going to be so bad...i would have take a bus...
i wonder what is next at this rate...i was told, this is not the worst of the winter yet...
what can be worst...i dun want to imagine.
130105
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Listen to my advice
Never ever do anything to help people if you are unwilling.
If you are unwilling....dun do it!
If you are unwilling....dun do it!
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Too miserable a weather....
Too miserable to do anything.
How can anyone live in this kind of weather.....
Kill me.
100105
How can anyone live in this kind of weather.....
Kill me.
100105
Saturday, January 08, 2005
Realise...
Always reject people when you are not willing.
Don't do something out of kindness as people will never appreciate that in the end.
080104
Don't do something out of kindness as people will never appreciate that in the end.
080104
lost connection....
I have been offline lately until today....it was...actually a relief though I lost connect with almost everybody....maybe I just need that kind of isolation occassionally.
Something not so nice...
I have been having a thought about something I thought is not very nice....
And this in turns cause me mishap....such as...being splash water by bus driving past and losing my purse....(which I found later)...and etc....but...I have decide to take action of what I have been thinking. Not something evil...just that I suspect I have been taken advantage of by a friend and I want her to pay back!...I dun see anything wrong to that though....just suspect I might lost a friend...if I want her to pay back the money....a friend whom has been taking advantage of my kindness and it is not worth it.
And this in turns cause me mishap....such as...being splash water by bus driving past and losing my purse....(which I found later)...and etc....but...I have decide to take action of what I have been thinking. Not something evil...just that I suspect I have been taken advantage of by a friend and I want her to pay back!...I dun see anything wrong to that though....just suspect I might lost a friend...if I want her to pay back the money....a friend whom has been taking advantage of my kindness and it is not worth it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)