Me...A cyborg?

I was amused by myself just now while I was testing my typing skill...i suspect I can type my words without looking at the key board...or maybe not...but I can type without looking at half of my keyboard....and imagine the position of some letters without actually seeing it. This is what I call the fusion of mechanical tools with human intelligent...or maybe not so much of intelligence but adaptability. While I am getting used to this way of expressing....I need to further fuse the position of the letters in my visual memory like I know where I keep all my vocab in my brian ....although my typing speed is nothing to be proud of compare to many...but is already something proud enuff...compare to myself one year ago. Last year, I remember I can only type with 2 fingers one at a time....now...with both hands...ten fingers...this is what Donna Haraway meant by...being a cyborg. I can feel myself cybrogizing with my new ability to hypertexting my thoughts and express them in letters.... As if I am NEO...in Matrix...I am beginning to see it....the zeros and ones...the binaries among the flesh and skin. Suddenly it all become scary....


141104

Green Tea overdose

I have never heard of Green tea-overdose...but here I am...feeding myself cups and cups of green tea to let myself stay awake. It was suppose to be one of my secret weapons to stay awake at night to do overnight work....but nowadays...I am losing my grip...and I am suffering from green tea overdose symdrome of feeling sleepy despite after drinking many cups of it...but whenever I have decided to go to sleep and wave my white flag ...I cant sleep...what is this?....is this some kind of joke....what is preventing me from working?...I know what...It got to do with the deadline...it was still one week away...not close enough to drive me crazy....but that is not the point....I dun want to do it sooo rush that I dun have time to make admendment...I want it to be done before the deadline...and make changes....! I hate this...but I just have to live with it....this is me...

141104

BAd situation...

Today, I was depressed for half an hour at work. Becos I did not handle a situation well enuff. 2 groups of people, a group of 6 and a group of 12....the 6s came in first and I gave them the big seats....but turn out that the 12 who came in din have the big seats.....the BAD situation occurs when first, was a miss communication. AH lan my colleague who doesn’t understand English do not understand what the 12s want unknowingly allows them to alter the restaurant sitting formation to join the tables....when realise something was not right, she runs to me and tell me....I step in and stop them....and look rather unhappy with them...that was when my colleague say she dun noe why they are moving the tables. And it was impolite to anyhow move restaurant formation without informing person in charge....but...the 12 says that they told my colleague and she say ok....I know it was all a miscommunication and nobody is at fault, becos she dun understand what they are saying. They apologise becos they say how cross I looked when I see they reshuffle all the tables and as we know it was a miscommunication....I told them I will try to find them somewhere to fit 12 of them in a line....meanwhile the big group of 6....I decided to request them to shift and “give way”....but then...it will be impolite to move people in the middle of their meal....which I am stuck.....I ask them politely...and they jokingly ask if they can get a discount....I told them I am not the boss and cannot decide on such things...but seriously I would give them a round of drinks if I am the boss. I told them the round of drinks is pay a day....and I cant do that....I apologise even though I know they are joking....and says forget it....and let they continue to stay on the big seats....while I was thinking of any possibilities of joining tables to make up a 12 seaters.....suddenly....the 6 guys pick up their plates and beer glasses....and started to change over to the other seats....I am touched.....I went to thank them but I apologise again saying I wont be able to give them any discount.....along the way...the guys ordered a few rounds of drinks and ask me the if they get rounds of free drinks and I rejected them politely. Especially when my boss is back...then....at the very end...their last round of drinks...I hold the order and put it in my pocket....I gave them a round of last drinks....which is about a 10% discount....WITHOUT MY BOSS KNOWING IT!..They paid without knowing that I gave them a free round and only left me a 40 pence tip.......I went to their table back facing my boss and whisper to the guys that the last round of drinks is on the house and sorry about moving them around.....they look confuse and ask me again as they thought I am buying them drinks....and I told them is ON THE HOUSE and NOT ON ME....which means I treat them free drink without my boss knowing....we gave one another smiles and nods....and they thank me........2 minutes later...a guy from the 6 come to me and gave me a £5 tip. They left and I smile and thank them and full of apology....

I am depress with this incident becos I feel bad when customers are not happy. Feel bad towards the 12 people...becos of the miscommunication....and I should have find out more before I look a bit angry with them and stop them.....I really feel bad and hope I did not spoil their celebration....and with that 6 guys...I hope I have more authorities in the future to gave customers rounds of drinks or discount when unpleasant situation occurs.....becos it is too silly to do things behind my boss back which is CORRECT!....and I hope I dun make their day feel weird, which they initially thought I am buying drinks for them with my own pay !.....and they probably feel bad....lol....

I like being a waitress....it makes me happy when people are happy....that is why I am depress when I din manage to handle the situation smooth enough in time...though rectify in the end...but CAN BE BETTER...definitely.

However, about this job....I am beginning to feel the pressure. That everybody is pinning on me to do things. And pinning on me to cover up for them when they made a mistake. This is the case nowadays in the restaurant. And everybody wants to learn everything but I can only teach one at a time. It is of course easier for me to do it alone but someone has to learn it...and do my job when I am not around....and this is the part I am in a dilemma...if I teach one and dun teach another...I will be unfair...but teaching all will be confusing and confuse the running of the restaurant. People should have specific duty.....so that things are not done repeatedly...or nobody do something,.....it is like a vacuum, becos 3 staff quit their job last week and create a vacuum for people to to rush in and fill up the space....and the impact is ON ME....becos I am like the tunnel for the rushing in...becos whoever rush in...have to first pass thru me.....I get angry with them occasionally nowadays which I never do in the past....and I dun like this.

081104-091105

The AuRa...

Today is the day which my aura for romance is slightly higher than usual..... It begins from the bus stop where I waited for my bus....this uncle...was waiting for bus 9 and had been waiting for ages...and we began to talk casually...oh...then I realise he is the same uncle I saw a few days ago....and at the same time in the same bus stop....waiting for the same bus....this is what I will call fate. And so to both our amusement we started to chat. He is a Pakistan Tandoori chef and work in an Indian restaurant just across the street....and I jokingly ask if the restaurant is hiring....anyway...i told him I am studying and working...and blah blah....and he ask for my name and numbers....which of cos....I did not gave him. He offer to gave me his number...but I rejected him...becos I told him I will not call. I am just being frank.....but he was friendly.....he asked if I could take a walk with him along the street to the next bus stop which is just very near but I rejected again...partly becos it is not safe obviously walking off with a strange man I met only twice though he dun look like a baddie, but mainly because it was drizzling and my shoes are torn and absorbs rain. And so....to my relieve my bus eventually came and I wave goodbye with a smile....On my way back....from the bus stop to my house....I pass by the usual few mama shops along the street....went into the one where I had been yesterday where I try to collect my lottery winning...yesterday’s winning ticket was rejected becos I went in too late so I try again today...that same guy who was in the shop yesterday with the uncle at the mama shop and know about my winning was smiling at me....and I told him I brought my ticket today....he tried to process but my claim was rejected by the machine which all of us are puzzled about...I tried 3 times and failed to collect my winning.....but then...maybe this guy find me silly becos I look too happy just becos I win a £10...and he ask for my name...and where I am from.....we smile to each other and he told me to come in the morning to try again while I wave goodbye....and say I WILL BE BACK to collect my winning!...and so on the same day...2 pakistani at 2 different places ask for my name. I am beginning to wonder why I attract people from this region....isst becos of my hair....I really dun know....maybe I will ask the guy in the mama shop next time....or maybe...they are just being friendly...and I too sensitive. By the way, did I ever tell you guys I have a Pakistan ICQ friend who always say I am his Chinese princess....LOL...

Fallen...

The guy ask me what song it was....I though he was referring to George Michael’s Careless whisper....but it turn out to be something else. I am not surprised that people like this song, because this is one of my favourite. Whenever I introduce this song to people, it becomes someone’s favourite. Wendy loves this...and Yahui too. I remember hearing this song once in a Taxi...I was lost in a dream listening to it....I remember hearing this song somewhere some place, it always put a smile on me. I am so glad, that they love it. That guy and his group of friends. They say, they are musicians and they perform in Glasgow for one night only. They say this is a wonderful song and lovely music. I fully agree. This song, ladies and gentlemen....Fallen, Lauren Wood. From Pretty Women soundtrack..... ‘you are the one whose led me to the sun....how could I know, I would lost without you....I can’t believe it...you’re the dream coming true, I can’t believe how I have fallen for you....’

Gambler's word

Occassionally, I am tempted. To become a professional gambler. I though gambling is fun, if money is not involve....er....or maybe, it will not be fun anymore if money is not involved ....ah whatever....for me and the rest of the gamblers in the world....it will be it’s best when money is involve and winning....in whatever case, people will lose. This is the biggest irony. The saddest. The pain. However, things like lottery is a little different. It involves a little more. That is, ANTICIPATION. To hope for something or to be wishful is a very enjoyable emotion. At least, it makes people happy. To buy lottery is not only to buy a luck, but also to buy a moment of happiness. The moment which started from the point when you buy the lottery ticket to the point when you know the results. Even if you did not win in the end, you earn that moment of happiness. It is like spending a pound buying a bar of chocolate will rise your euphoria content in your body to make you happy, spending a pound buying a chance should give you the same bliss or more. So, to conclude, I would rather spend a pound buying lottery then to buy a bar of chocolate because first thing first, I hate chocolate which is besides the point, but most importantly judging from the after effect, a lottery ticket could give you a chance to buy as many bar of chocolates as you can ever eat and even if you dun win in the end would only mean a wee bit of disappointment that is nothing compare to a bar of chocolate which can make you FAT!

I am tempted. And so I bought the lottery last Saturday. Wishing and hoping to win the 10Million Birthday draw. I could see a 10 in my mind...and I can feel it sooo strongly. Indeed, in the end, I win....£10. Better than nothing. And you know what, I am with all smiles when I know I win, £10 is not only better than nothing, it is a happy thing. Even the India uncle in the mama shop can feel my joy, he is smiling too when he saw how happy I was when he told me 3 number out of 6 means I win £10.

Glasgow fireworks

To watch the fireworks alone is weird. Not the part about watching fireworks but the part about watching it alone is weird. Despite the fact that I am in the middle of 92 000 people in Glasgow Green, I felt more alone among the crowds than I am at home. At least one out of one people in my own room knows me which is myself. But among 92 000 people....it is the loneliest thing I have choosen to do since I arrive in Glasgow. However, watching fireworks is another issue. It was at the very moment when the fireworks started, that I throw the world behind me. It was then that the world is left with me, the sky, the sound and the fireworks. It was then that I am not alone. But right after the very last sparkle disappear....I am alone again, naturally.
051104

Numb sensation...

To feel numb is actually not to feel anything. Hence, numbness is a realisation not a sensation. It is concluded and not felt. This is exactly what has been happening to me lately. I have concluded that I had been numb lately. I feel nothing. I hate this kind of feeling or rather I hate the feeling that I cannot feel a thing. It is as if I am no longer living. But then to a certain extend I am grateful to this numbness as it takes away any kind of sensation which includes pain. Pain in the mind not my skin. Maybe I am suffering at this very moment which I do not know because I am too numb now to realise that, and I am thankful to that. It is as if I can control my mental nerves to stop working and make them stop sending signals to my brain telling me that I may be mentally in pain. But then, sorry to repeat, I hate this feeling that I cannot feel a thing. Without the pain would also mean without joy. Simply because, I am numb, remember? To not feel a thing would include not feel the joy as well. However, no joy does not necessary mean sadness. No joy only means no joy. Numbness is just nothing. I am beginning to wonder if this is the so-called enlightenment one can achieve. If that is the case, I hope I am not that enlightened yet. As for numbness, I shall blame the miserable weather for it, while I know it will go away. Finally, I would rather cry and suffer because I know love and happiness comes with it.

Too numb to feel the heart beats....

I have been heartless lately....or maybe it is simply too cold and numb for me to feel that my heart is still beating. Sometimes...i suspect i am heartless...especially when i keep telling people i dun really miss home.One thing for sure, I dun call home. I never have the habit to...but occassional upon request...I will make a short phone call phone to tell everybody i am fine. Today, i call home. As usual, we talk about the same thing.....the same people, same problem. But today, something is different. My mum told me she sprain her waist and had problem walking properly. Suddenly her voice sound different. Not as if her pitch chamge or she speak in a different language....but it was me. Her voice sound different, becos i suddenly realise my mum is getting old....just one year away from home...and she is old suddenly...well maybe not suddenly but I only realise it now...and this realisation almost make me cry....perhaps i have been too heartless to notice anything nowadays... perhaps...I am just being too self-centred to notice anything...perhaps...I am just numb...numb becos of the cold and miserable weather here....too numb to even feel my own heart beats...

The guy like sunshine...

Yah...that guy like sunshine. Yesterday i did a stupid thing...he ask me to join him and his friends for dinner....I agree...then...change my mind last minute...because i felt too akward to be around....reason being...the group only consist of his girlfriend and 2 other of his personal friend....and not the school mates i know....akward...so I kindly find a stupid reason to change my mind...and say that that place is too far away....and i dun want to go....stupid reason...I know...and i also noe...i should avoid falling in love with him at all cost.

I can feel it...

I can feel it...that kind of feeling....that you lost contact with everybody....and some of them....just disapppear in your life...maybe this is life...people will not be forever by ur side....people come and go....or maybe it is just a balance....some people come....some people go....and yes...i can feel that some friends in life is gone.....just gone....while for some...i am the one who left them.

Autumn is missing!

I know it is getting cold...especially when my hands still feels cold even after I stuff them into my pockets....and I know it feels cold...when I need to wear more than a T-shirt at home...I know it is cold...when I see more leaves on the walk way than on the trees...where have autumn gone...it should be autumn now...but it feels like winter already...autumn only lasted a week....

I smile...

I smile when I hear nice song....I love it...

It makes me think...

Someone said this....

Reading a book means thinking through others mind instead of our own.

To me, I think this statement also applys to watching a TV drama or movie....or maybe reading a blog...
That kind of detachment of oneself to become somebody else is relieving...not as if my life is in agony...just that it can be boring to always only be ourself...yah something like this...

This is one of those days....

The wind howls and brollies struggle ...all I can see is ground covered with fallen autumn leaves...and then...the rain...
The rain is not the most irritating thing but irritates when it comes with the wind...
The wind is not irritating as well but becomes nasty when it is cold...
The cold is not so bad but gets miserable when it rains....
The 3 of them in Glasgow...likes to come hand in hand..which sometimes makes Glasgow...
An irritating, nasty and misreable place to be in.
Other than that....each on it's own....the rain, the wind and the cold are quite a nice thing.

This is one of those days....
where I am wet and cold....and my brollies tries to fly away....
This is one of those days...which gives me a weird feeling of tranquility.

In the mood for words....

Suddenly...when I was reading one of my conversation with Yahui.....I was reminded that I was actually a bit attracted to this guy half a year ago....a guy from some other department... I dun want to mention his name because I suspect the chances of him reading my blog is very high....becos I am announcing my blog to the public soon....the idea of him existing somewhere in my mind is very “slippery”....it’s not like I am crazily infatuated with him.....or secrectly in love with him.. he will be occupying my mind for an instance whenever I see a smile from him...and after that....that’s it...he will not be always on my mind and I will not miss him. I will not look out for him when I am in school or stare at him unconsciously if he is around.....anyway...just nothing...BUT....there is one thing....I feel comfortable whenever I talk to him....he is a nice guy. And I can feel that he is listening when I am talking....like in one presentation...I can sense him listening....I can see from the look in his eye that he is attentive .....and most importantly...I feel comfortable when he is around.
I felt quite alien even until now when I attend school function like openings and lectures....it’s like....even though I already know some of the people, I felt awkward to talk to them....I felt awakward...simply walking around...is like...very alien and unwelcome....but at least when he is around sometimes...I will feel slightly just slightly...at ease....seriously....I dun have any special feelings for this guy....but I like him. You know...like....as in....just like...saying....I like the rainbow....suddenly out of the blue...you see it...and you feel happy...but then it’s either you have to go....or the rainbow....or maybe rainbow is not appropriate enough....becos rainbow actually excites me....perhaps....is like.....the sun in glasgow.....YAH!...that’s it....the sun....becos I never really particularly like the sun usually especially when I was in Singapore....but then....when the sun comes out occasionally in Glasgow...it’s makes you feel warm and comfortable.....might not be there all the time...and I will not miss it....but once it comes out....I can feel it.....and have to like it...becos it’s warm and friendly....that kind kind of feeling.

15/10/2004
2am

I am a DAMN LUCKY girl....today is my final tutorial.....and I am supposed to meet my tutor for a FINAL “SHOWDOWN” for my essay....but I decide to fall asleep yesterday night and not continue what I have not finish....I have my reasons though....because I have just got hold of a new book which is quite crucial to my essay and I intend to make some serious reconstruction...while I am a bit worried on my way to school about how I am going to explain to my tutor about my situation....she throw a ball to me instead...by telling me....she haven read my essay becos I am the last on her list and she din have time to even start reading it....WHAT?.....what kind of ghost luck am I having....I was smiling to myself when she told me this.........heaven is always sooo good to me....so we arrange for a make up tutorial....which gave me another week....meanwhile I told her about my NEW PLAN...and she agree to assess the possibility of an extension for my essay...LIFE is beautiful.....and things happen nicely to you...when you are sincerely cherishing every bit of it!....meanwhile....thanks to my tutor...she has been very encouraging about my research....and patient with my work attitude...because I am a very last minute person...she had been very accommodating.....thanks...
15/10/2004
3am


Today...I spend about less than a minute to decide to end my job in the Chinese buffet restaurant which I have been working for 10 months. This is actually already countless of times I attempt to quit....the last time...was when my boss unscrupulously try to cut my pay by changing her pay scheme from paying me £4/hour to paying me £35 a day. This is scheming because a full day job lasted 10.5 hours....x4 should be £42....but she only offer £35....come on....even a primary school kid can work this simple mathematical sum out....who is she trying to kid!...I am already considered seriously underpaid even when she pay me £4/hour....moreover....NO TIPS IS BEING SHARED AT ALL!!!!!! She keeps all the tips to herself...I really dun noe why I am still working for her until now....but I wont say there is no incentive at all working in her restaurant......becos working in a buffet restaurant entitle you to EAT ALL YOU CAN! Like the customers...that is one thing,..this job feeds me...and makes me fat....another thing is....this job is considered simple....for me now after working for so long...everything becomes mundane, easy, and boring....it was really torturing at first.....but I survive the torture yet ironically can’t stand the fact that I am being exploited....I would say apart from the pay and the boss....the job itself is nice and easy.....During that time when she suggested that stupid new pay scheme....i spend the whole night to figure the pros and cons and told her the next day that my minimum pay rate is £4/hour and NOT ANY LOWER!....she understand what I imply and she just reply that...she will call me when she need me....from then....she never call. About one or two months later....she call me out of the blue and ask me back to work. I just went back. I knew why she call....I know why becos my colleagues told me she is leaving even before my boss call....and my boss is shorthanded...I never say anything...I just went back to work....I thought my boss will be more appreciative in the future becos I din even ask for a pay rise....I went back as £4/hour. Now I am convinced she is hopeless. I told her I can’t work for her on Saturday. I told her frankly that I have other jobs and I am not willing give up my jobs to work for her ONLY. She actually tells me to cancelled my other jobs for her....EXCUSE ME!...on what ground?....my agent pays me £5/hour and that is excluding tips...which I sometimes can get as many as £30 a day of TIPS....and what can she offer?....SHE NEVER SAY A THING!...she actually tells me that I can only give my time to her!.....what her logic was....if I work for her WHOLE HEARTEDLY!....she will give me more hours to work....that will accumulate more pays....IF NOT....she is going to hire a full time...which I will have less hours to work in the future...I got her hint!...and I got her threat....and like I am scared.......WHAT AN ASSHOLE!....I can work less and get the same pay from my agents.....why should I work for her!....AS if she is going to pay me more....I got jobs offer from everywhere in Glasgow....I wont die even if she dun offer me jobs.....That is my limit.......That is why...I have decided...tomolo...I will be working my last shift for her....tomolo evening....I will tell her straight!....that...unless she is going to pay me £5/hour in the future.....or else she can hire whoever full time she wants to hire....none of my business. I am still available to work for her sure....I will never really quit a job...afterall I am just a part time......I will just wait and see when she is going to ask me back as £5/hour....which I doubt she ever will becos we all know her too well that she is a very stingy person...like me...so that is very unlikely that she will ever spend £5/hour on me....she would rather spend £2.50/hour to hire 2 waitress from china....than to spend £5/hour to hire me.....but the situation will be bad.....everytime when good staff are around.....4 is good enough to run the whole restaurant if everybody know what they are doing....but she rather hire 8 people to run around not knowing what to do.......for the whole day....and be paranoid becos everybody dun noe what is going on. Maybe her math is more powerful....you know...like spending the same amount to get more quantity.....but...no quality.....that is her logic. And so.....expressing my fullest sympathy...I hope those who are still working there to be happy. As for me....I don’t see any more reasons for me to stay on....afterall...to be frank...I work...becos I need money...not doing charity.

15/10/2004
4am


Today, I was at the CCA for a book launch. I like particularly a book call...er...i forget the title...something spaghetti...noodles or pasta...anyway...it was just a collections of scribbling on waste paper...about ah-ha! LAsagna...I think the tile is something like a pot of lasagne.....that thing Garfield likes to eat....yah...i like that book...becos...I also keep scribblings...especially notes left by people to tell me something....but I felt a bit sad...becos...the idea of someone is already doing it ...makes me feel like I am copying them which is ridiculous becos I have seen a lot of such things before...so I wont say it it very original...which is not impt...becos it is not about originality...but sincerity and genunity......I have already had this idea in mind to make a book long ago...but dun noe how to start and dun have the budget to do it.....SOB!...and someone else is already doing it....I am especially angry with myself for not doing something I want to do....I AM ANGRY WITH MYSELF actually....I dun noe what is stopping me....afterall I have already done a lot of things that are considered impossible to many people .....why am I hesitating...why am I still complaining...which I really should be doing something...DO SOMETHING!!!!DO SOMETHING!...YOU IDIOT!....STOP DREAMING....JUST DO IT!.GO DO IT!

15/10/2004
4.12am

By the way, at the CCA book launch...yah...that is one of those occasion which I feel very weird to be around....very weird....becos although everybody around me are familiar faces....I really dun noe them well.....I end up just saying bye to one of the artist which I know slightly better....but it still feels weird........weird weird weird....and uncomfortable.

15/10/2004
4.15am



Suddenly...something comes to my mind....another project....you know....the problem....I think I need a crew of people to help me realise my work....while I keep churning my ideas....to keep up the pace....or else my idea keeps accumulate and but not realising....it becomes mentally very unbalance and can be very psychotic....bad for health....oh yah...back to what my idea was....it was the feeling of familiar faces....in BARNES building.....familiar.....but dun noe who is who....very scary.......yet...I felt like telling them how I feel about them....I dun noe how......I have this idea to “stalk” everybody in Barnes building.....especially in EMA....and in the studio....and write something about them.......OHHH.....I like this idea....I LOVE IT!.....like a testimonial for everybody I know here.....YAH....so exciting!

15/10/2004
4.32am

well....time to sleep....shouldn’t be staying up late....but then...so happy that I am writing.....I like the idea that I am writing....I like it.

15/10/2004
4.33am

It is 5am now....and I dun noe why I am still wide awake....I am actually in my TIP TOP FORM and CONDITION to write and think.....usually...this will be the most productive time for me to do my essay but I choose to write diary entry....becos essay is for my degree but diary is for my life...simple logic.

Good night...and go to sleep...tomolo is going to be another hard day....

15/10/2004
5am

Unwilling...

This is a lesson for everybody.
Never help someone unwillingly...
for my case....I am extremely unwilling when I help my friends here.
They are from Malaysia...a couple and they need to rent a flat....so I let them use my name to rent that flat...and they pay for the rent themself....I regret TREMEMDOUSLY not becos they will run away or watever so....becos even if they do...their deposit is paid by themself and got nothing to do with me....but then...I dun like the idea that someone is using my name to do something....and I had to sign the rent agreement....I just dun like it....and I WILL NEVER DO THIs KIND OF THING AGAIN!...NEVER!...unless of cos..if there are other reasons for doing so...or else..NEVER!

Just wanted to tell everybody about this.

That's all.

Bad day...

I am feeling so and so and so miserable right NOW...this very moment and I suspect for the rest of my night....that I will feel VERY SICK!...because of the dinner I ate 4 hours ago....that stupid beef and cheese...I COOKED!....yes...it was my own fault...but it has got nothing to do with my culinary skill....it was the beef....it was in the fridge for weeks...and I have no time to cook them.....until today....I suspect it was bad already...but I just thought maybe if I cook them properly.....it should be ok....but...it turn out to be NOT OK at all....halfway thru my eating....I decided not to eat the beef anymore and throw all away.....they taste really funny....and 4 hours later....I felt like vomiting and my tummy felt horrible.....I tried to make myself vomit....stay at the sink and wait for myself to puke....drink a lot of water...hoping that it will help...but my tummy just bloated...and makes things worse....now I felt so miserable I felt like crying.....worse...I am having a headache induced by my food-poisoning.....SOMEBODY.....HELP ME!
But SHIT!....I am all alone and I am not connected...this blog will only be publish next Monday when I have access...hopefully by then I will be pink and healthy again...and will not be eating any beef probably for a long time until I get over it....
This reminds me of fishballs.....I remember when I was very young....I became very sick after eating some fishballs...and yah...I vomited....after that...I did not eat fishballs for a long long time....until one day....out of the blue...I start to eat them again....I actually crave for fishcakes nowadays....the Angmohs here will not understand what is fishcake....anyway...singaporean should noe .......

OUCH!....just 10 seconds ago...while I was typing in pain groaning about my food poisoning....and fishball phobia....I lost balance and slip off my bed.....luckily my laptop is still on the table....but my thigh hit the bench and my back hit the bedside.....and the pain on my thigh and back was sooo intense that.....I....no longer feel the tummy aching....I guess that is what people call.. “distraction”.....but just as I recover from that silly fall.....with very very minor fat injury(I got fatty thighs)...my tummy ache and vomitty sensation came back.....

What a day.....just not right for me.....
09/10/2004
1.37am

Somewhere over the rainbow..... 

Confession of a confused stalker...

Nothing happened since that night after I return him the bulb....
Absolutely nothing.

Oh...but I made another astonishing discovery!!!
There are 2 Johns in this apartment!!!!
I know becos I saw a new mail addressing to John C. Morrison a few days ago.
Whichever he is....I am too confuse to conclude...and whatever, he is still john.
However...it is not important now as nothing is going to happen until my next lightbulb blows off....
Which I suspect will take another 5 mth....till then....
Who knows who is going to live downstairs...or even best..next door!

Yah...perhaps I shall call an end to this beautiful love story which is still beautiful because it never happens.
Meanwhile...I look forward to someone knocking on my door the next time....anyone....EXCEPT my landlord!


04/10/04

Operation “Destroy”!

I have decided to be merciless this time.
As I have realise the true meaning of... “being kind to others is being cruel to myself”
This is applicable...when I am referring to my pest friends...xiao hei
the beetle cockroach family that populate my room like Chinese populate china!!!!
The only difference which makes it scarier...is that they have more than one child in a family!
Which I am not even sure how many family I am actually housing....

I have decided to treat this “problem” seriously when I was casually sweeping off
2 or 3 visible ones with my broom off into my bin....and when I took a closer look.....
there are actually more than 2...but 5 or 6 smaller ones wriggling....EEEEEEE!!!!
I FREAK OUT!
That means I might be stepping on one anytime I walk around my room!
Though they are tiny.....BUT with my almost perfect eye-sight...
I CAN SEE THEM!!!!!
I decided that this is it.
It has reach my limit!
My policy is always as long as I dun see them...I am fine...
But since I can see them CLEARLY now...TOO LATE!

I have began to sweep very frequently everyday...
Whenever I reach home....first thing...I will sweep the floor...
The irritating thing is really the carpet...which I find it extremely unhygienic...
But the angmoh like it...becos it will be warm in the winter....but crap....
The carpet is the dirtiest thing you can put in ur room...I rather wear feel cold than to walk on dirty carpet.
And I swear I will never carpet my floor in my future home...maybe those small decorative ones...
But never the whole floor...stupid siah.....like if you spill something on the carpet...that’s it....
And you dun noe how many dust mites are growing...and for my case...beetle cockroach...
But I can be sure that it is not the fault that they breed here....but they are simply everywhere in this building.
They just exist.
Though I might not be able to eliminate them totally...
I am determine to sweep them up....as many as I could....
and throw them in bin bags and trash them out 100 metres away from my apartment across the road.
So far..I lost count how many I have actually sweep away...probably more than 20(larve form-wriggling and not crawling)
It is the most traumatising thing that is happening...
but everyday....the number is getting less...
but it still creeps a bit to think of it.

One more reason nowadays for me to move....
But not yet.......not yet.
04/10/04

Shhh...!

I seriously dun like guys who talks a lot.
Though I have interesting “talk-a lot” guy friends....
And I do enjoy arguing with them....
But I really do prefer guys to talk when necessary.

This conclusion was made when I work in a hotel function yesterday.
This guy that I had to work in pair with talk NON-STOP!
That worse thing is....he is extremely unprofessionally because we are actually working...
Though we are just standing around to wait for the people to finish their food before we clear and serve the next course....
We are suppose to be standing at the side and keep an eye on their needs...but this guy....he just keep talking....
And talking and talking......I din reply him and thought he might get the hint and SHUT UP!....instead he ask me why I am so quiet...
DUR!...I told him we are working.....and I dun like to talk when I am working......
Then he ask me what I am thinking when I am not talking...
I told him....I am not thinking of anything.
And he keep asking me question.....
Like where I live and who do I live with....
When I say I dun live with anyone he look as if I am bluffing him!!!!
I am sooo annoyed!
I ask myself if he happens to some cute guy trying to chat me up....will I be equally annoyed?
My answer should be still the same....simply becos
he choose the wrong time, wrong place and ask the wrong question!

Oh well....that is it....
At least I should be thankful to him that he did help me a lot when we are serving...after all we work in pairs...
we have to be professional...and he burn his hands while carrying some hot plates which I felt sorry for him...
oh oh...and he made great contribution to making me realise I dun like guys who are talkative!
For his case...talk without thinking!
Meanwhile...quiet guys always works for me....!


04/10/04

Recently...I dun see xiao fei flying around my room anymore...maybe he has found a new home....probably a place with more trash than my room...anyway...this was the picture last taken when he fell alsleep on top of my laptop...hope he is happy now...somewhere out there... 

That is my limit...

£"@ON+_"?:<{}*!%^!£OVW!$&.....I am swearing.
Because I HATE DOING ESSAY WITHOUT INTERNET ACCESS!!!!!
SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL ME!!!!
and the worst thing is...I have to keep this feeling for 4 days until today to get online and POST IT!
Ridiculous me!
I CAN'T STAND IT!
That guy living downstair better be worth me staying or else I AM MOVING!!!!!

28/09/04

Liberation of men and women in the new millennium.

Wah...bombastic title siah...like essay topic...whahahaha..well sorry I cant help it...

While doing all the research on cyberfeminism....I have come to realise that feminism in the first place not only liberalise women but also men. Simply because with the transformation we women are going thru...the men have to change as well. Afterall, we live in a society like an equation. We gain a little here we have to minus a bit from the other side to balance. Hence there is no way men can escape from this revolution. At this point, I feel sorry for the men because they are somehow more anonymous throughout the whole movement or rather I would categorise them as being victimise throughout the whole process with the fact that they are almost voiceless in most cases. Regardless, the fact is, men are being liberated. For example, men nowadays learn the importance of being emotional, they learn to cry and learn realise it is ok to be weak as well as learning to make themselves “pretty”. While the women go out to work and become stronger physically and mentally. However, I am not suggesting a change of role but rather a better balance in overall to be more human in the sense both strong and weak for both men and women. Afterall, I still expect to see man open doors and pay for dinner...while I am willing to act silly and pretend I am still weak...With this...let’s cheer for this progress and hope that the new situation makes this world a better place for both men and women to live in.


26/09/2004

UnLeaSH!

I had a realisation tonight....as I stare into the mirror looking at my long curly hair....
I realise I have been doing injustice to my hair for many years.
To be exact...more than 20 years...
To be more precise....since the day I was born.
In fact, they are given to me by my mother through her genes.
It may sound as if my hair is my disability as I describe them....they are actually a gift.
They are lovely...they are long and...
They are curly.
Despite that they can be quite tangled and messy at times I never despise them.
I never cut them because of reason such as I dun like them, or try to straighten them because people think I should. I usually cut them because I am sick of my old image and want a change or simply when I feel like it but never because they are curly.
However, I realise I have been doing the greatest injustice to me hair since I was born simply because I never let it be what it is, and worse still , I try to tame it.
As I remember when I was in primary school, if you were to ask any of my old classmates...they will tell you how neat and tidy my hair is...I suspect some of them might not even know my hair is curly.
In secondary school was worse, where I will wear a hair-net to school to tame my hair...because I gave up combing it.
Or when I finally decided to cut it, I will put a lot of oil or hair gel or mouse just to comb down and stop it from frizzing.
In my JC days which was perhaps slightly better.....as I slacken my control over my hair to let it “be messy” a bit....simply maybe becos I get used to it...but still I never let it down and let it flow freely.
Until I was in NAFA, when things starts to get even better.....yet, no matter how messy, I will still bun it up or whatever to keep it up where it is...never dare to show it publicly...maybe only among friends and family...as they get used to it....but still...I seldom let them down to curl on their own while walking on the street....only very ocassionally...when I am at home...only.
There are of course many reasons to why I did all I can to tame it....simply because people expect me to do so....like it is something unruly for them to accept.....and improper to let my curly hair down...they think it is scary....
In fact, most of my Chinese friends will advice me to cut or go rebonding....which none of them so far has actually say they love my natural curly hair...NONE OF THEM.....sadly...But things are different with the ang moh though....I always get very flattered when they like my hair....even before I came to Glasgow....I have friends from Australia and Germany who like my hair a lot....and classmates now in Glasgow who simply envy and feel jealous of my hair.....even my Greek friend and Nigeria friend loves them....only except all the my Chinese friends....regardless whether they are from Malaysia, Hong Kong or China....none of them like it.
It is sad, because I have been doing injustice to my hair simply because others dun like it....though I never despise it....It is bad enough to simply try to tame it.
My hair is just like me.
I should like it be what it is....since I am already courageous enough to let myself be what I want to be...why can’t I let my hair be so as well.... what an irony.
Perhaps I should free my hair from my own oppression and let it find it’s own freedom and identity like I did to my soul. I dun see why I shouldn’t let my hair be what it really is. Perhaps that is the key to why I always feel there is still something not right about myself....something not completely unleash.....

With this, I have made a whole new decision. I have decided to keep it.
Long and curly as it is.
Lovely.

Frillyobject.
23/09/04
2.28am

Confession of a stalker...

John Wilson AKA the lightbulb guy.

I hope he will never come across this blog...

NEVER EVER!

That is his name...which I just find out from all the mails on the mail-table in the hallway this morning....it just happen that I am checking for my own mails while i unintentionly (who am I kidding)chance across a big A4 size mail with the above name on it. This is new...becos I never see this name in other mails previously...so it must be him....and yes his name is John.

And the next thing I did was something I should never do....I put his mail againt the frosted door where the sunshine is bleaming thru to try to read what was on it...only for a few second that I feel guilty about what I had just done that I quickly put back the mail....on the table...

The only thing that makes me feel better is that I din really see what is on the letter....not becos it was not visible enough but becos I was too nervous and gulity that I din manage to see what the letter was trying to say...before i put it back..though I did see a chunk of words...I am just too distracted to really read it....distract becos i am afraid anyone might just open the door or come up from downstair and caught me....

And so...that is my horrible deed.

I reckon nothing will ever happen again becos I am simply too nervous to face him now...just like this morning when I was about to go to the toilet...I open the door and see someone coming and quickly close up...becos I am just too nervous to meet him.

If that was really him...I dun noe what he will think...

And the most horrible thing is.....I got a mail today...
Which address me as "MRS C. S***H"
Where we know the ang moh always have problem with chines name....but this is more problematic becos they call me "Mrs"...which I have spot the mistake long ago and din bother to change. However...I am worry that he might see that and tot I am married....OH NO!...what should I do now????

And why the hell should i worry when I dun even dare to face him...

Crazy....this is so crazy!

24/09/04

Let there be light...Part 3

Room 9.
And his name is John or Johnny...watever.

Today, I make a second attempt to return the bulb.
Just as I open my door ...someone came home....before I even say anything...that guy say...it was not him.....oh...so it was that wrong person yesterday again...and he know I am looking for someone to return a bulb.
He must have thought I am crazy.
Anyway....he told me that the lightbulb guy’s name is Johnny....
And that Johnny will only be back after 9pm....

While yesterday....I sound out my landlord when he gave me the bulbs and gather that this guy lives in the room directly underneath the landlord’s room...which my landlord call him John....

As my investigation proceeds,...the only way to find out the truth....is to knock the door and find out if that lightbulb guy is called is really who he is....john or Johnny....watever.

Then...I waited.

Probably after an hour or two....I heard the door ....someone is back.
My third attempt coming.
I “dressed up”...and pick a bulb and went downstairs...it was a bit dark...
I remember seeing a lady staying in room 6...so was not him...and James mentioned that he is directly underneath....and I saw a corner room in a dark corner. 2 doors actually...but I only see one with light...I hesitate for 2 seconds and knock softly......

And the following is the silliest conversation I have ever engage in....


“ Who?”


“Erm......me.”


What the hell!....I mean...when he ask “who????”...how am I suppose to answer him...in the first place if I say I am who I am...I dun think he even knows my name....and instinctly...I choose to see.... “...me”....which is so funny....

Then I heard some walking and opening of door....and...

There he is....it was him.

Still cute....and I am glad my memory did not fail me...
Which this time...I try to take a closer look ......he is wearing a blue shirt today..it was white previously....


“Er...I come to return the bulb....thanks....”


“AhH....Oh...That’s great!”

As he took the bulb from me....and tossed it skillfully into mid air...before he catch it...a very friendly gesture as if getting something from a friend....very casually.......

And he end our conversation by saying

“Thanks a lot”...

“yah...thanks”...I said.

Which I am puzzled....Why did he thank me?

Anyway....I walk away as he close the door simultaneously...


That is all....nothing happen.

The feeling is...I really find him cute and attractive....but the strange thing is...I always can only remember my reponse to his looks....”cute and attractive”...but even after the second time....I still cannot remember how he actually look like...it’s like...twice we met and both happens in less than 20 seconds each time......under bad lighting condition...first time...my room is in darkness when he was on my door....and I cannot see him clearly....and second time...the corridor is dimly lit...and I still cannot see him clearly....but I can see him....I am sure....just that not brightly lit enough to see clearly...only vaguely....but twice...he is charming.

And so....yah....so far because it will make no sense for anything to happen after I return him the bulb.....unless something happen again....where he will come upstairs or I go down....or else...that’s it.

Right now....I just wonder what he is doing....

23/09/04
I tried to read this whole story again...and thought it looks like some very potential romance story....if nothing really happen in reality...I am highly tempted to write it like a romantic fantasy....first of all....I wonder how should we proceed...wait....let me think....

Let there be light...Part 2

I finally get to see my landlord today and ask for 2 spare bulbs....I took one happily and nervously downstair...in search of the lightbulb guy...I saw another guy instead....actually I wasn’t sure if he is the one...but he probably isn’t becos if he is....he should know why I am downstairs....but he ask me “can I help you” instead....so I reckon he must be the wrong person....so I just went upstairs feeling a bit embarrass....a while later....this wrong guy knock on my door and ask me did I have problem with my lights and I told him I am fine now becos I got it replace already.....with a smile...I close my door.

I am amused by the fact that the guys living downstairs are so far very friendly about lightbulbs.....or maybe all guys are...when it comes to electrical appliances...if it was a girl...she would probably ignore me....just as I made such an assumption.....my neighbour Miss Tan knock on my door and say she found her spare light bulb.....duh......now I have 3 spares on top of the one shining up there right now....

Nevertheless, I am grateful....even to my landlord becos he offers to help me put on the new one....which I rejected becos I have already done so.....and find it ironic to have so many lightbulbs now.....

What I hope now is to find that guy soon and return him the bulb....of cos that is not my true intention...if you know what I mean.

22/09/04

Let there be light...

SHIT!....My bulb blows off this afternoon before I left home....
din replaced it...until I reach home to realise it is getting dark and my landlord is not back yet.....and my nextdoor neighbour just used up their last spare bulb....

Meanwhile...back in my room I did everything I can to light up my room such as to switch on the TV...and open my fridge(lights up when I open it.)..silly things....reading newspaper beside the TV and eating a semi rotten banana beside my fridge in case I ate the rotten part.....quite fun for a while when I realise this can’t go on...I decide to stick a note in front of my landlord’s room to tell him I need a new bulb.....

So I did....and went back to darkness and wait.

Some minutes past as I hear someone coming home....hoping that it is my landlord....i open the door and is disappointed to see a backview of a downstair neighbour walking down the stair.....oh well....continue to wait.

Then, a few minutes later....I hear a soft unsure knock on my door.
My landlord?.....I hope...but I put a question mark because I din hear anyone coming home other then the anonymous downstair neighbour....and most importantly, my landlord, James, dun knock this way....I can tell ....he usually will knock VERY LOUDLY as if I am deaf....

Nevertheless I rush to open the door, becos it might be my next door neighbour who have found a new bulb or whatever...so I open the door.


A guy that I have never seen before.


Cute looking guy....I can see that becos he has light up the whole hallway before he knock on my door(the hallway is usually lightless unless you purposely switch on the lights..)....and wait a minute.....since when is there a cute guy living in this apartment...I have seen a few and dun remember seeing any cute guy....I know a few polish uncles lives downstairs but they dun speak english!!!!...while this one speaks!...must be a new guy.....!


And he gave me a lightbulb....


THAT IS STILL HOT!

And say....he saw my note to James on the door......

I really can feel the heat on the lightbulb...and ask him if he has spare for himself....he obviously has...i am just asking stupid question....I thank him and close the door....I can tell that I am nervous when I spoke to him...becos I am!

Then...I open my door again in less than 2 seconds again...calling out at him who is at the stairway which I can’t see him anymore.....and ask him which room he lives in...so that I can return him the lightbulb when James comes back...and that silly guy...told me “I live downstair”.....and his voice disappear........of cos I know he is from downstair....but which room?

Everything just happen.

While I am still in shock.....

I close the door again....this time wondering how am I going to change the lightbulb...I thought I should have ask him before he go...but anyway...I tried...and struggle for a while ...unscrewing and twisting and pulling...and could not get the stupid fused light bulb off the wire.......finally...I use my last bit of common sense to give it a push..and twist to get it off the hook....ahhh.....

DONE!....put the pipping hot new bulb on....and TA DA!.....

LIGHT!

It was when lights came that I start to thing about this guy....
2 things about this whole incident that I try to make sense of....

First of all, why did he know it is me who needs the bulb?

I only wrote my name on the note....and not my room number?....I never met him and I dun noe him and he dun noe me...how did he know it is me? Or know is room 3?

I reckon after he read the note on the hall way and hear me open my door to assume is my room.

Second, why did he have to unscrew his current lightbulb?...if he has a spare....he can just give me the spare....and I can give him a new one later....but he actually unscrew the one that he is using to give me...and use his new bulb?......ok...maybe he is smart to give me an old one and use a new one....or else I dun see any sense...

Finally....my room is filled with de-lights again.....
While I look at my lightfilled room....I can’t help but to rememeber my childhood fetish.....I used to have secret fantasy for guys who changes lightbulb....even though this guy din help me change one (I did it myself)....but he manage to spare me one...which is almost equivalent.....

Ahhh....watever....I am touched....becos how many people will make an effort to help strangers in the first place, some more he din even noe me or even noe who is living in room 3.....yet is willing to come to my resuce.....

Thanks.....

To the guy who brighten up my life tonight, tomolo night and every other nights...

That cute looking guy.

And...I sure look forward to return him the bulb....

Wait till I find out which room he lives in.....

Meanwhile....I change my mind about moving out...... ;)

21/09/04

My new friend..

I was watching FRIENDS ...this particular episode where Phoebe has this habit to name her house pest like Bob the rat and Susie the mouse....
Well, I name my house pest as well...
I used to name my house cockroach 小强...and lizard小明.....and 小强 is not小强only but小强 and family.....that was in my home in Sembawang in Singapore.
Meanwhile in Glasgow, I basically only have one major house pest(pet) which I call him or them..小黑...they are a kind of buggy looking bug......and liwei say is called German cockroach. And they are one happy family settling in my room ....you can’t imagine how at home they are when they like to come out and stroll along my carpet....the baby maggots are those that really freaks me out though....
The thing is, I just couldn’t bear to kill them...The only most cruel thing that I always do is ..if it is only one...I will scope it up with a piece of paper and throw it out of the window....and if it is more than one...like family outing and I happen to spot them....I will bring in the vacuum cleaner to SUCK THEM UP!

Tonight, I have a new pest friend.....I call him 小飞.( a name I always use to name flying insect)....It is actually a fly. Yes, I repeat, a fly.
Just one fly.
But manage to drive me crazy.
he has been hovering in my room for the whole day since this morning....I sort of ignore it at first but he becomes pesty...especially when he likes to fly past my laptop and parade its flying skill while I am concentrating....he also likes to fly past my ear to let me hear it’s humbling sound.....as if I am not annoyed enough.....there are a few times when I actually caught him resting on my book...once on my knee(no respect!)...looking at me as I look at him .....and sometimes right on top of the LCD screen of my laptop.....sleeping!!!!.....I know he fall asleep becos I tried to tap my laptop to drive him away...and it just stay there like none of his business.....



My friend Xiao fei...trying to read my book... 



I shall let him stay in my room for the night since it is cold outside right now and he probably have no where to go if I drive him away.....but that is it....only for tonight...

Anyway, he seem to have found a nice place to settle for the night at the moment , becos I have lost sight of him since I started writing....he must have been tired flying around the room for the whole night....probably felt miserable for not being able to find an exit.....poor thing...I shall forgive him....

19/09/04

One more miracle...please.

I wear spectacles.
This is a weird statement to start with for those who know me.
Most of them will not remember me with specs.
Because, in actual fact, I dun really need them.
But whenever I see my spec looking shabby and scratched, I will make an effort to upgrade or replace them.

To tell the truth, my spec is actually a very crucial prop to me when I am doing last minute work or when I need full concentration.
Though I always assume to be an almost perfect eyesight person...I will wear my spec when I need to mentally prepare myself to sit down and commit.

Like superman needs his tights and spiderman and batman who need their masks....I need my specs....maybe it is a mental thing....that whenever I put on my specs...I will be able to perform some sort of miracles.....always...

However, the specs trick can only be used in case of emergency....or else it will not work anymore...hence I would usually dump my spec somewhere until I need it....

Finally,....just recently...I found out the reason why the spec trick works...simply becos my eyesights are failing....and I need the specs to see clearly especially when I am working on my laptop.....with greater visual ability gives better concentration......and one most annoying thing to date is...my scratchy specs...I need a new pair please!!!!!!

Meanwhile...I am hoping my existing specs can do it’s usual trick one last time.....one more miracle before I graduate in peace.

19/09/04

Chaotic order...

I usually will need more than one pen when I am working on my essays in the middle of the night or whenever, as long as I am in the middle of deep concentration processing my work. I cannot afford to lose time looking for misplaced pen.

One(pen) will usually be among my hair(in most cases) where I will poke through to hold my bun of hair while another is probably lost in my pile of notes and in today’s case was camouflage among the columns of my keyboard.
So here I am writing with my 3rd pen which I suspect I might just left it somewhere later when I go and get a drink, but no worry.....becos I akways know where to get the 4th!


Ps/ most of my blogs are written on papers before I type them on computers mainly becos things dun always happen when I am using my laptop and I need to write things down immediately or else I might just forget...it is always difficult to just sit down in front of my laptop and start to recall things....I mean...there are sensations which only last a second....so pen and paper is still my best friend....
19/09/04

Red among the yellowish apple green...

I am biting my apple looking at my laptop screen, listening to the news on TV and at the same time writing this diary entry,....I am simply impressed by my ability to multitask, although I know I am better off doing one thing at a time.

Well, that is besides the point becos I am actually going to write something about my teeth. It bleeds.... While I bite my golden delicious apple and left a tint of blood stain on the apple....very nicely fused into the flesh of the apple and produce a tiny fizzy blot of red in the mids of light apple yellowish green flesh.
Very nice.
I like it.

18/09/04
23:30

I am in this terrible happy mood that I shouldn’t be becos I really should be all stressed up doing my essay and yet was too happy and relax to produce anything...
So terribly happy...
It was the songs that I am listening to. The love songs that made me so in love, yet no one to love, and still so happy...
Something must be wrong with me...
I hope I am not going to cry on the 23rd Sep...that is the day before my official deadline...

18/09/04

Jobs...

There are shity jobs that you hate and never what to do as well as nice cosy ones that i am doing right now!!! to guard an empty computer room with all the internet access I want....what a luxury...and they pay me £5.25 an hour for it....boi....I am lucky!...

A request...

Please please....anybody...
If you have read any of my blog or just visit the site to find out about my updates...please let me know your presence by dropping some comments...because I need to know if anybody is actually reading them.....
Or else, I feel like I am taking to nobody...

Sob...


Ok...I know I am pathetic...

I am.

21/09/04

Words from the wicked unbeliever....

CAUTION!
The following are not suitable for people who call themselves christian.
If you are and still wants to continue to read the following, please that note that I am not trying to be offensive, and forgive me for being truthful but I just can;t help it...

Bottom Line is....





READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!





At this point, I have made yet another realisation.
Yes, I am beginning to suspect that God may have exist.
However, this suspicion makes no difference to the fact that I

DO NOT believe in him/her or it.

I find it ridiculous when people wants to convince me into converting by trying to prove the existence of God....especially when I was always told “The fact that you dun see a moon does not mean that it dun exist.”..yeah right.....so.?...We dun prove the existence of something by proving the existence of something that we can’t see exist. Because eventually, we will see the moon shining happily in the sky looking differently almost every night.
Moreover, so what if (assuming God is a male) he does/do/did exist...
We dun believe in something with it existence.
We believe in something we believe.

There is one thing that have always bother me a bit.
That is the reading of bible.
Since I am a non-believer, I choose not to read it, in case I “get tempted”, judging from the responses from all the believer I have seen so far, I have to admit the bible might be in some way “attractive”.
However, I have change me mind recently.
I have decided to read it.
Simply becos, you have to know what something is before deciding to oppose it.
Or else I will be in no position to reject it if I dun even know what it preach.

So first thing first, I read a bible.
This can happen becos of a coincidence, my neighbour is leaving and she happen to leave me a book which titled “Holy Bible New Testament”. And so even if I dun believe in God, I believe in fate, so I decide to read it.

And I am so glad with my decision becos the first thing I flip upon in the book is...
“Do not be yoked with Unbeliever”
I shall copy the whole paragragh I read in order to illustrate my point later for those who are not familiar with the bible...

“ Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?...blah blah blah...”

Clearly, the person who wrote the bible is not sensitive enough to realise that the world do not exist only in black and white. There are apart from various tones of grey other colours like red, blue, yellow, green, pink...and so many so many others which I can’t even name. What rights did he have to dismiss unbeliever to be wicked?
I love peace. I dun like to differentiate people by their believe, afterall we are all sharing the same air on earth. why must there be such a differentiation and alienation in which to separate people into believer and non-believer...I think it is sad....If God really exist,..he should do something about his bible and his believer as to how they preach....this is so wrong...at least to me.

And yes, I can see that this person who wrote the bible(apparently under the influnce of God)is clearly unfamiliar with Albert Einstein’s theory of relativity, which is such a shame that I shall do him a favour of enlightening him with the following understanding

Light do not exist without Darkeness.

This is a simple way of life and you have to live it to know it. Apparently, this person havent learn enough in life to make such realisation...


I can feel my blood pressure heighten a bit as I was writing it...while I tell myself...I shall forgive all this...because I love peace...whahahaha....Meanwhile...yah...

WORLD PEACE.......

With this, I shall end my blog for the time being and continue my quest to read the bible. Though I can anticipate a few blood boiling moments that might be unpleasant, I look forward to the potential entertainment I can get from this book while criticising it....


20/09/04

The UltimATe TraSh!

Yes. The ultimate trash. I am refering to myself for the past two days. I sleep and eat and sleep and oh...watch TV and sleep and yah listen to music and sleep and eat and sleep....the only point where I am slightly humane is where I start to feel guilty about not writing my essay...for 10 seconds...and that's it....and so...my beautiful weekend is spent on breathing in oxygen in the air to produce carbon dioxide.....and whatever....I am guilty of cos...but I'm LOVING IT!

The fear...

I guess the most scary thing that could happen to a blogger...is not that someone is peeping into her secret or exposing her true identity...but the fact that no one reads it...*shiver*...

Life is beautiful....

Ah...life is beautiful when you can sleep without having to set your alarm for the next morning....and it happen to me yesterday...breath in...and breath out...I like the air today as well...keeps me alive...as if it din yesterday...
Ah...can't help feeling happy...lalala..lalala

090904

Toothache...

I got this toothache on the top left row of my inner teeth so bad that I need a dentist...but that was one week ago...it miraculously recover on it's own 2 days ago...so ...end of story.

The thing about beauty...or being beautiful...whatever

I won’t say it is unfair....after all I am not the one who is being at a disadvantage. This doesn’t mean I am beautiful, instead the following scenario clearly illustrate that I am being discriminated against becos I am not as 'beautiful'...what an irony...however this discrimination only means I get to SKIVE at work...and work less compared to my fellow colleagues...where both of them happen to be very pretty....double irony?.. The story starts 2 weeks ago where I register to a new agency for a special event job where typing skill is required...I work for the agency in a very large conference held in the SECC(something like SunTec or EXPO in Singapore)...as a registration lady..where my main job is to register new participant for the events that is available for the whole 5 days conference.....and make them pay...blah blah blah...so it happens...I was registration lady number 12...sandwiched between lady 11 and 13...where lady 11 is a very pretty Indian girl...with bushy eye lashes and very exotic make up...very pretty...and lady 13..was a Scottish Chinese...VERY PRETTY as well...BIG EYED...sweet smile , good complexion ,simple make up and all...then me...small eyed NO make up..frizzy hair...pimpled face.......the 3 of us doing On-site registration for doctors and researchers from all over the world......

At first, everything is under control and I felt very bored...then I was still very bored...and again very bored... slowly I realise desk 11 and desk 13 is always occupied....by enquiries...and registration...becos it is an open area...people just walk up to the desk themselves...so they have a choice who they want to be served...while I serve only 6 participant in 3 hours....my next door neighbour...lady 13 served 10......plus a lot of lost participant seeking help from her...while my desk is “patronless”....and she had to refer them to me...whom I happily take over.....nothing really struck my mind until when both my desk...(desk 12) and desk 13 is free...and a handsome Spainish doctor...walk towards the desk....lady 13 was not paying attention to him...while I smile at him...and was about to offer some help... he just walk pass me and register with lady 13....at this point...I understand the whole situation and what is actually going on for the whole day....people just walk towards these 2 ladies out of instinct and I am sadly...(in terms of personal pride) being ignored in a sense becos I DUN ATTRACT THEM...however is secretly happy and have nothing to complain about (in terms of personal advantage) becos in this way...I work less, get the same pay...and make less mistakes.....and frankly speaking I wont blame that spainish doctor...becos I will also choose to register with Karen (lady 13) instead of myself if I were him becos..she really is so pretty that even I will steal glance at her occasionally...and on top of that..very sweet and friendly...the prefect image of a customer service rep...

So...life is fair and square...like what my friend ah guan have said before...for my case today...even though my pride was a little hurt for the fact that the handsome doctor did not register with me eventually...I shouldn’t mind at all becos if this kind of scenario keep happening for the rest of the days....I am more than glad.. as long as I get paid!

030904

I am so impressed and yet so not.

I am so impressed by the fact that I can churn out 500 words in less than 5 minutes to write a blog entry...but couldn't get myself to write a 4000 words essay in 3 weeks...of cos I have a lot of excuses and I think they are very valid but still I am so not impressed by this fact. By the way....I WANT INTERNET ACCESS!!!!!!

I am such a fake!

This is something I can't stand myself lately...I am such a fake!..to my landlord...while usually I am a VERY SINCERE person to everybody.This is what happened...2 weeks ago I call up the broadband company to install broadband in my room...I told my landlord about it and he say "NO PROBLEM!"...but then in the end...he chase the technicians away and scold them for drailing holes in his flat...I won't blame him..becos is his property and he is right to protect it...few days later....he told my neighbours that he feels bad about it and ask them to tell me to go ahead and call up the company to do the installation again....but now the problem is...the NTL company has already CANCELLED my name and BLACKLISTED me for broadband installation...and....I am soooo busy now I dun have time slots to wait for installation....and the MOST FUSTRATING thing is...my essay is due this sunday..I NEED THE INTERNET FOR MY RESEARCH AND WRITE UP...but couldn't continue in the middle of my writing becos my offline links is cut off without internet accesss....I really BLOW UP!...Thanks to my landlord who chase the technicians away that morning....I am now stuck with an unfinish essay and a VERY TIGHT WORK SCHEDULE!.....and ON TOP OF THIS....he comes to knock on my door and ask me if I am OK....welll...I really wanted to tell him I am NOT!....thanks to him...i have to carry my 3kg laptop and walks to school....resulting in SEVERE backaches shoulder aches as well as thigh muscle cramp from walking with heavy object...especially when the laptop bag is actually not very carrier friendly when you have to sling it across your shoulders....that is when I finally have an off day from work and I had to go to school for the internet access...with the rest of days...trying to work offline at home...and get stuck in all the links I tried to bookmark but can't access becos I dun have connections at home!!!!...I am sooo FED UP!...and then....comes the FAKE part....I smile at my landlord and say I am ok, I just dun want people to feel bad about things...besides WHAt else can I say...ask him to F**K OFF?.....i really hates it when he knocks on my door on my precious off days...just to ask me if I am "happy"and won't go off and keep talking...I tried to be polite but sometimes i am soo sick of entertaining him..I told him I am busy...I am happier if he gives me a break and leave me alone!.....and finally...I am determined to MOVE as soon as I can find a cheaper flat or somewhere as cheap....I SWEAR!

About my scholarship...

This scholarship that I got...came as a weird surprise and accident.
I was told that I will know the results in July. And so...since I never hear from the school I already forget about it long ago...then...one day, I receive a letter telling me..."Thank you for applying....blah blah blah....sorry to inform you that your application is UNSUCCESSFUL..."...but 2 days later i receive another letter to say that the previous is an ERROR...and congrats me for getting the scholarship....

Back 2 mth ago when i hand in my application, I was told i can send in application for 2 scheme....one of the scheme i choose was actually outdated...it was on last year but this year that one is no longer offering a scholarship...so the welfare guy help me browse thru the info and search for another scholarship which is eligle for oversea student....and we just tigum and choose another one...

And so...the scholarship I got in the end...is that one he tigum...and we choose last minute....

So...I concluded...I have to thank him!

I have been thinking....

Maybe i think too much. But I can't help thinking.

Drama addict

Recently, I have a strange habit to go home and watch 2 episode of korean drama on my laptops before i go to sleep...it's like my life is not drama enuff and I had to live in other dramas to make my life more dramatic.....well...maybe I am just bored.....something should happen...i tell myself...like some kind of romance or drama.....or else i will have to live in someone elses romance and drama......on my laptop....this is so unhealthy!!!

Lastest update!

I was laughing on my way to work yesterday becos i receive a letter from my school to inform me of a scholarship I got!..YES! I got a scholarship AGAIN!...I always do....whahahahaha...I know i sound proud because I AM...maybe my results are not somethings to be proud of at the moment....but my will to continue this bizzare DREAM is going to go on....no matter how hard my life is......and finally...I am glad that the school sees an artist of me...more than a student by simply awarding me this scholarship based on my financial difficulty and not results......
And so...my struggle stops the moment i open the letter yesterday morning....however another struggle is about to come because i am suppose to hand in my essays next week...which i dun noe how i can do it because I am holding 3 jobs now...which i have promise to work last week without knowing i am going to be rich this week!

About the weather report....

Yahui says that rain, rain and rain....sounds so sad....indeed....however to me rain is more romantic than sad...or maybe the idea of being a litlle sad is quite romantic....ah watever...too confusing.....bottom line is....Glagsow is raining. That's a fact.
Perhaps a little sad...but so romantic.

Weather report...

Rain and rain and rain and rain.....

Mental Block

I have been having mental blocks for the past few days...trying to blog...not becos I have nothing to write but is having difficulties to express...it is either that my english has become worse or my thought has become too complex for my limited vocab and grammer to express...
I dun like this kind of feeling.

090804

Dream a little dream...

I dream that my relative send me an air ticket to go home...on the 17th August....I wonder if this dream got any special meaning.....

050804

Lady's fingers....

Yesterday...I was sooo lazy to get up of my bed that...I actually start to chew my fingers becos I am hungry...

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My food supply cabinet... 

Ohh...baby hotdogs....yummy! 

OOOuchh..!

I am suffering from serious muscle ache from my bums right down to toes...so serious I walk like some old lady with rheumatism....simply becos I played badminton yesterday...
It only shows that I have not been excercising....since..I dun noe when.....I guess I really need more exercise...and..I really crave for a swim by the way..... as for the muscle ache...according to past experience, I suspect I just have to suffer a few more days....

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ToP TeN WiSh LiSt...

ToP TeN WiSh LiSt...

Apart from the fact that a handsome rich boyfriend is always the number one choice in my wish list with a 10-star rating...there are actually a lot other things that my life is inadequate of at this moment...

* ---------------- Can survive without it..
** -------------- Think I Can survive without it...but not nice lor...
*** ----------- Better do something about it...
**** ---------Dun noe can tahan until when...
***** ------ Kill me please!

Black shoes...I have one which I bought 8 month ago...was so torn and tattered that my supervisor always take more than 2 glances at it...and the worse thing is...water gets into my left foot when it rains ...the right one is actually ok...
Rating : **

Waterproof windbreaker.....my orange windbreaker which is suppose to be waterproof ...prove me wrong by making me soak with rain one day when I wore it...I guess it is time this windbreaker retire and rest in peace....however no potential new jacket can replace it...
Rating : **½

Detergent...running out in 2 days time which I already have been imposing strict ration of using it in the most diluted version I can make it....have been living with oily cutleries, pots and glasses.....
Rating : **½

Shampoo...using up in one week time....this is really already a miracle...considering the length of my hair if you know me in person...however that big bottle of shampoo I brought with me from Singapore manage to last me until now...what can I say...
Rating : ***

Sugar...this might seem very unimportant...but it is running out in one week time...I actually need sugar in almost everything I eat....not those VERY SWEET type of sweetness...but that kind of vaguely sweet feeling in the food that keeps me going and feel happy...so yah...sugar please...
Rating : ***

Milk.....no amount of other things can replace the importance of drinking milk everyday...however...I have not been drinking milk since I quit my last job 3 weeks ago..that job allows me to drink milk for free...(not as a milkmaid in case you wonder....just a waitress)
Rating : ***½

Fruits...this is vital...becos I can feel my vitamin C draining off every second...and is tempted to chew on my Vitamin C pills to keep myself healthy since I cannot afford fruits in my shopping list....however...I shouldn’t becos those pills are really for my rainy days in case I fall sick...and ohh...those strawberry and apples in TESCO and Sainsbury....I really CRAVE for them...
Rating : ***½

One full time and one part time job...this one is just becos I need to pay rent and school fees...nothing interesting..I have already got a part time but it din manage to feed me becos it is low season and not job assignments to feed me...however my only dilemma is I am not available to work until August...although the fact that I am going to be broke in 2 weeks time makes this wish very important...however I am confident to find a job anytime....so that’s about it...
Rating : ****

Broadband Internet connection....One year ago I would laugh at this point because I dun used to think internet is essential...or maybe it is still not...but I simply need it because of the subject I am researching on for my essay as well as my project for my studio practice...Internet connectivity has somehow become a NEED!
Rating : ****½

TV....I still cannot get over the fact that my bed-sit doesn’t have a TV.....I really dun noe how I can survive until now though I manage to...Can you imagine I can watch TV 12 hours a day in Singapore...and now have to live with no TV in my room....KILL ME PLEASE!
Rating : *****

Nowadays, I dun believe in Fairy-God Mother (especially after watching Shrek2)...and this is not a posting for people to send me things please... ...I dun accept donations or sorts unless of course you are rich and handsome and want to offer yourself to me ....
I just want to share my sweet sour, bitter and spicy here.....other than that...I am just showing off that I am surviving!

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12.57am

A taste of heaven....

The blueberry muffin I ate this morning is sooo nice...I simply love it...

To live with someone....

Recently I have a visitor from home...my friend Liwei....stayed with me for a a couple of days....it was a funny feeling to live with someone...but I wont say it is bad....imagine the idea that someone cooks breakfast for you in the morning...and you just have to lie on the bed to wait for food to be serve...ahhh...so nice....and lazy...

And we meet again...

Nowadays, thing like to happen in trilogy...
like LOTR...

3 days ago...we meet again...
Yah..this Daniel guy...third time...I meet him on Sauchiehall street...
I am beginning to feel that we are too fated...or maybe
Glasgow city is just too small and thus everybody
keep meeting everybody...

But then again...
Nothing really happens actually...

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LoNG LoNg StoRy

Written on 20th July 2004

One minute past yesterday.
Yesterday was Bank Holiday.
Monday.
Was a beautiful day full of sunshine!(which summer should be)
Bloody good Day!

Anyway, so much about the weather reports...
yah...to tell my story about yesterday,
I need to tell another story that happened 3 days ago on Saturday...

Saturday, I went to watch Spider Man 2 with Bax ( a colleague)
and we meet Daniel(another colleague) along Buchanan street...
and so it happens...Daniel join us for the movie...

After the show...sorry side-track a bit..Spidey 2 is DAmN GoOd!!!..
er where was I..ok ok..after the show yah...we went on seperate ways to go home...
Bax was first to leave ...he run to catch a bus...
left me and Daniel...becos we sort of head for the same direction home...

So let me cut short my story and go straight to wat i want to say...
we walked pass a park and passed by a bush of white flowers...
He suddenly stop and asked me to wait...
he walked towards one flower and sniffed hard at it...
He smiled and ask me to smell it as well...
I did what I was told and...
ah...vaguely sweet...
which I suspect part of the actual fragrance was gone
becos he sniffed it before me...
anyway....
we continues to walk and he commented...
that he had a very sensitive sense of smell
(at that moment a dog comes to my mind and
 i dun dare to mention in case he blows fire at me)
and would smell the flowers to see if they are growing well...
WOW!...I was ImPreeessssed!..managed to tilt my eyebrows and say...
"hmmm...."
To think that such a statement comes from a guy...
*a round of applause please*
The reason why i am impressed is really becos
I though he is a very insensitive person in the first place...

And so..end of my background story of Saturday...

Back to yesterday...

I was actually really wanting to write about something that happened yesterday ..
I walked past that park again...and past by that bush of white flowers again...
and I stopped.
I was going to do something I thought was silly 3 days ago...
But before anything really happened...
I saw someone walking towards me at the corner of my eye...
It was HIM!!!
I mean...coincidence happen but this is too much of it...
we exchange some silly hi-bye conversation and he left...
I walk on...approaching the next bush of white flowers...
and look back to make sure he is no longer there....
and sniffed hard at one of the white flower which is blooming exarrgerately...

 
ahh...vaguely sweet...
I hope this flower is growing well ..but seriously..
I really can't tell by smelling it...

End Notes...

I was really amused by the fact that we meet again ...
And i thought this kind of things only happen in drama series...
but then drama is never too drama because things really do
happen dramatically in real life...
And so...this story adds a little spice to my boring life...
even though I dun have any special feelings for this Daniel guy...

I thought it brighten up my life a bit...

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MatTer of LiFe aND DeAth...

Yesterday...there was this moment
where I had to make life and death a decision
which everything happened in split second...
it was that decision which determine my existence today...
and whether this blog will be published....
It only shows that...
I made the decision that keeps me alive until today...

Anyway, the story goes like this...

I was walking along Sauchiehall Street( pronounced as ‘saw-kee-hor’ in case
 people from Singapore dun noe... is somewhere like Orchard Rd in Singapore..,),
Where I approach a traffic crossing....instead of stopping to wait for the “Green Man” to flash which I usually would...I simply walk across the road carelessly...

After exactly 3 steps onto the road...6 things happened in split second.

One,  I notice a bus approaching on my left...about 3 metres away

Two, I spot a car coming from my right...about 3 metres as well..

Three,  I looked in front to determine how many steps I was away from my intended destination...which I estimated was 7 Big steps...considering I have short legs...

Four, I made a decision to walk back 3 steps.

Five, I walked 3 BIG steps back while the bus and car ZOOOM! pass side by side on the narrow 2 way road without signs of slowing down...

Six, Open my eyes real big to see the car and bus drove past while holding on to my breathe...

And yes, they all happened in spit second...

I froze at my safety zone after that and tell myself...
I am so glad that I’m still alive!


 
ThE EnD.

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A sense of affinity...this boy and me... 

All wE Get fROm LovE is a lOVe SONg

Ah...recently have been listening to this song repeatly on my laptop...
Day and Night...
As soon as I reach home....
Because..It sound sooo painful and to a point...
tRue...

Like sailin' on a sailin' ship to nowhere,
Love took over my heart like an ocean breeze.
As season fly I knew that I was losing
Love was washed away with the driftin tide.


Oh it's a dirty old shame
that all you get from love is a love song
It's gotcha layin up nights waiting for the music to start.
It's such a dirty old shame
when you got to take the blame for a love song.
Because the best love song is writing with a broken heart.
(chorus)

Now the tears in my eyes are ever blindin'
The future that lies before me I cannot see
(future I cannot see...)
Although tomorrow I know the sun is rising
Lightin' up the world for everyone, but not for me.

By Carpenters...

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Vaguely sweet... 

Food will keep me alive!!!

Recently, I am always feeling hungry...
Perhaps I have been too harsh on myself lately...
Tonight, I cook myself a bowl of sweet potatoes soup...
Like that day I bake that half piece of Bak Kwa...
It was in the middle of the night ...2am...I think
I stood by the cooker and stare at the soup to boil....
And I was actually excited by the thought of it...
I must be hungry...
Add a little sugar...as usual..
I like my food to be slightly sweet...
Just slightly...
The idea of something vaguely sweet is intriguing...
Anyway, I finish the soup in minutes...
DAMN satisfied!
ANd so I conclude for the night...
Food will Keep me alive!!!!

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Regarding whether there is God....

Two days ago...after I made my confession...
I found an extra £10 in my cash box...
This extra is from nowhere
because I have just done my accounting very recently...
and have been keeping track of my money....
which in no way a £10 can creep into my cash box...
 
And so...
I have concluded that...
 
It was from GOD for my toilet rolls....
 
Maybe, there really is GOD...
 
 
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My confession...

I have been doing something lately 
That I thought would consider rather despicable
Which I see the need to make a serious confession...
 
That is,
 
I have been taking toilet papers home from the school library...
In another words...
I have been stealing toilet papers from the school library!
er well...maybe not steal...too harsh a word to use...
after all the toilet papers in the cubicles are free..
 
Well, I must say I am guilty, I really am.
But toilet rolls here are really too expensive...
Like £1.60 for 4 rolls...which is S$4.80 for 4 rolls...
This amount can buy me 2 dozens of toilet rolls in Singapore!!!!
I simply cannot allow myself to indulge in such a luxury
especially when £1.60 can buy me a lot of other things!!!!
 
However, I try to reduce my sin by not taking all the toilet rolls away...
but only a bit more everyday so that i have enough to use at home...
I will always make sure there are some left in the toilet so that other people can use...
 
If there really is GOD...
please dun send me to hell for stealing toilet papers,
as I really have my difficulties...
Best thing is...
If there really is GOD,
Send me some toilet rolls, please!
Thank You.
 
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Opps! I cut it again...

Yesterday, I dreamt that I cut my hair AGAIN!

YES! AGAIN!
Third time.

This time, I cut my hair shorter then shoulder length...
It felt so real that I really thought I cut it  but I couldn't remember when...
I am actually quite confuse with this recurring dream ...

Is it suppose to tell me...
It is time for me to cut my hair and has been mentally preparing me
to the emotion trauma that I am about to face...  
 
OR 
 
Is it balancing a mental state that
I actually wanted to cut my hair but couldn't bear to cut it in real life,
therefore have to cut it in my dream?

OR
 
Is it a warning to tell me..
"YOU BETTER DUN CUT UR HAIR OR YOU WILL BE SORRY!" 
you know...
something like showing me how devastated i will be if i really cut it!

So how now?
Wat's the verdict?
Jian hai shi bu Jian?
Somebody....vote please!
 
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Who should I marry?

Recently...I have a dilema....
I am stuck between the choice of marrying Spider man or wait for Harry Potter to grow up...
OHHH.....I must be dreaming....lol...